Clarity is so hard to find...

[MidnightBlue1980]

So true. I've been ignoring the writing on the wall for months now because it isn't what I want to read. (And because she has weeks when she really DOES put more effort and time in - the "pull" - and I've chosen to view that as her showing what she truly wants instead of her employing a control tactic. Again, it's part of my own series of choices that I have to own.

 

Like many cheating spouses, I think she's conflict-averse. She will absolutely quarrel with H, often in front of me or other folks. But I think that's how she approaches small things that annoy her. When it comes to big, important talks, she'd prefer to just sweep thugs under the rug and hope it works out. Not how I like to operate.

 

 

Assuming she still wants ego strokes and pleasure nibbles - you should trademark that phrase - is it just a matter of wait and she'll come knowing again? Is that how it usually works, or so they prefer to let the OW/OM exhaust ourselves pursuing them until they can pretend we've worn them down and absolve themselves of blame?

 

First of all, you are giving her too much credit for so much deep thought. Imagine people on different levels. The top level are totally shallow people, incapable of understanding more than their own basic needs. The bottom level are people who give up material possessions and go sit on a mountain and are happy. The rest of us are in between but we are at different levels.

 

Yes, she is conflict avoidant, a lot of us are though, its somewhat of a label. It took me a very long time to realize that xmm was just not capable of understanding how I felt or what he did to me. He is just very surface, he would answer deep texts with a LOL or "have a great day!". He did not know how to handle me or what to say. And that is okay. There are a lot of women and men who are really simple and we are looking at a puddle, pretending it is a lake, and disappointed when our oars do not get us anywhere. It's not the puddles fault it is not a lake, it is the person who gets in a boat and tries to row, refusing to see the reality of the situation.

 

Once you see the person you are really, truly dealing with, you will realize you would not even be happy with someone so shallow. The whole gay-straight issue adds a whole other level, obviously this woman is so not capable of dealing with the issues within herself and not only will you never fix that, do you really want to? Don't you want someone comfortable with their sexuality? People like you and I, we are not puddle people. We need a lake.

 

Recognize the difference.

[freengreen]

First of all, you are giving her too much credit for so much deep thought. Imagine people on different levels. The top level are totally shallow people, incapable of understanding more than their own basic needs. The bottom level are people who give up material possessions and go sit on a mountain and are happy. The rest of us are in between but we are at different levels.

 

Yes, she is conflict avoidant, a lot of us are though, its somewhat of a label. It took me a very long time to realize that xmm was just not capable of understanding how I felt or what he did to me. He is just very surface, he would answer deep texts with a LOL or "have a great day!". He did not know how to handle me or what to say. And that is okay. There are a lot of women and men who are really simple and we are looking at a puddle, pretending it is a lake, and disappointed when our oars do not get us anywhere. It's not the puddles fault it is not a lake, it is the person who gets in a boat and tries to row, refusing to see the reality of the situation.

 

Once you see the person you are really, truly dealing with, you will realize you would not even be happy with someone so shallow. The whole gay-straight issue adds a whole other level, obviously this woman is so not capable of dealing with the issues within herself and not only will you never fix that, do you really want to? Don't you want someone comfortable with their sexuality? People like you and I, we are not puddle people. We need a lake.

 

Recognize the difference.

Wow... I always wondered about it.

 

Well, I finally rationalised the indifference in two ways, either they are like that as a person ( not giving any significant &hit to anyone or anything as such) or that they chose not to give a &hit to us. They never intented to go any further than they planned, so anything outside THEIR plan for us, they just give a poker face.

 

BW, you are above all people who cant gather true love...you are capable of truly loving someone... its an asset, just dont throw it away. Give it to someone who knows its value.

Edited July 24, 2017 by freengreen

[MJJean]

So true. I've been ignoring the writing on the wall for months now because it isn't what I want to read. (And because she has weeks when she really DOES put more effort and time in - the "pull" - and I've chosen to view that as her showing what she truly wants instead of her employing a control tactic. Again, it's part of my own series of choices that I have to own.

 

Like many cheating spouses, I think she's conflict-averse. She will absolutely quarrel with H, often in front of me or other folks. But I think that's how she approaches small things that annoy her. When it comes to big, important talks, she'd prefer to just sweep thugs under the rug and hope it works out. Not how I like to operate.

 

 

Assuming she still wants ego strokes and pleasure nibbles - you should trademark that phrase - is it just a matter of wait and she'll come knowing again? Is that how it usually works, or so they prefer to let the OW/OM exhaust ourselves pursuing them until they can pretend we've worn them down and absolve themselves of blame?

 

It's good you recognize you have to own your series of choices. That means you are taking back control. This is good.

 

I'm actually not conflict adverse, but many WS are, yes. She rugsweeps, you don't operate that way. This is an incompatibility that would have caused you serious problems in a real relationship with her. Rugsweepers cause a lot of their own unhappiness by simply being unwilling or unable to communicate their unmet needs, their unhappiness, and their growing resentments until they reach critical mass and sometimes not eve then.

 

Part of the ego strokes and pleasure nibbles (totally TM) is being pursued by the AP, absolutely. And yes, being "worn down" both helps absolve of guilt and maximizes the ego kibbles.

 

I never told you how the J story ended, did I?

 

In 2001 he visited. I hadn't seen him since late 1998. By 2001, I'd left fallen in love with DH, left exH, and had a child with DH. J and I chatted. He was with a woman named E that he'd met shortly after I ended out affair the final time. They had a young daughter and were married, but on the rocks. I didn't talk to him after that chat.

 

A year later, DH and I were downtown for the auto show. J called my name from across the street and waved. I waved back and kept on walking.

 

In 2015, I get a FB message from him "Are you still my friend?" I immediately showed it to DH. He said it was ok to reply. I said I was still his friend and we started chatting online. He was in the hospital awaiting open heart surgery that was being delayed due to complications with his kidney function due to diabetes. After the heart surgery, he'd also have to have surgery on a clogged vein or artery in his neck, I can't remember now. Anyways, he really wanted to talk to me because he spent two years trying to get my ex to give him my new married name and location before he finally started working on getting the info from my adult daughters.

 

We talked on the phone for a few days and then he went into surgery. I went to visit him in the hospital after he'd recovered and stayed for about an hour. We talked for a few weeks and occasionally he'd say something that implied he still had feelings, how much he missed me, etc.

 

When he was out of the woods, safely home and not likely to die, I stopped talking to him. There was just no reason to continue on trying to be friends again. It's been too many years and we weren't the same people anymore.

 

Don't be J. Rip her out of you by the root and really move on.

Edited July 25, 2017 by MJJean

[BreakingWave]

Thanks everyone! The Bar is done, and I truly gave it my best. Now we wait for three months for the results.

 

MW is back in the picture, but acting like we're dear chums and that's all. I was purposely waiting til the Bar was behind me to devote much thought to it, and I am glad I did. I did see her, and it was the relaxing and fun time I needed. No idea what happens next but I finally realize we are never going to live happily ever after. She's always going to choose what she views as her "real" life.

[BreakingWave]

Just wondering what everyone else's "last straw" finally was?

 

Yesterday, I was heading out of town to celebrate my niece's birthday. MW knew that and mentioned she was doing happy hour with a mutual friend of ours at a restaurant on my way. The mutual friend is someone I used to work with who now works with MW. She invited me to stop by and say hello, have one drink before going on my way. I said sure.

 

Stopped by, and lo and behold... her H is there! He was in a better mood than I've seen him lately and all I could think was he probably got laid or something. Her daughter-in-law, who has become a good friend of mine, was also there. And while it was good to see the friend and her DIL, I just... I was stunned that she hadn't even mentioned he was coming. Either it didn't occur to her that I don't enjoy watching her parade her married life around or it DID occur but didn't matter. Either way, I wasn't happy. Nor was I happy with the several photos of the two of them (and of her sultry selfies) she posted to FB last night.

 

So last night I deleted Snapchat and unfollowed her on social media. I'm simply not interested in watching her show off the life she chose instead of me. It's damaging. Part of me is terrified about "cutting the cord." The other part of me feels almost empowered. I haven't blocked her number on text/phone and haven't officially blocked her on FB. We have so many mutual contacts that a big formal blocking would cause drama, and I've even considered adding Snapchat back in a few days. I don't *have* to respond if she contacts me (and lately it's been daily, though just to say hello, that sort of thing) but right now I don't trust myself not to, so I took it away. What I do want and need to do is let her know is that keeping me around as a buddy is not an option.

 

It's too difficult for me to think about going no contact forever. I'm also not sure that's practical. Right now I am focused on today. My goal is a week of no contact and then reassess. I also have to consider what I want to say to her if she asks me why she hasn't heard from me all week. It'll be the truth, I just have to decide how much of it I want to tell. She's had all the power all along and I'm ready for that to be over.

 

Even yesterday, MW, her H, and DIL were talking about throwing me a big party when I get the news that I've passed the Bar. That's what kills me. I don't want to cut the friends I've made in her family out of my life - not her H but her adult kids. This mess is just so entangled that I might have to. They'll never understand why I went from a close family friend to someone who just isn't around anymore - but I guess at the end of the day she can make up some lie about how I became interested and couldn't handle it when she told me no. She'll say whatever she has to say to make it easy for herself. I no longer kid myself that she feels any loyalty to me whatsoever.

 

Right now it's hard. I'm almost 39. No partner, no kids, all my friends are married and most have kids so they can rarely hang out. I'd rather get run over by a truck than contemplate dating anyone in the foreseeable future. My heart is broken, I've been through a lot, and I'm expecting my 99-year-old grandmother to pass away any day. We are close, but she's very old and fading fast. I am a financial disaster with zero savings and I have high anxiety because of that. Essentially I feel there's nothing to come home to and nothing to look forward to, either. I can't even watch television because my attention span is so shot that I can't get interested.

 

I am going to a friend's wedding tonight. And while I am quite happy for her, I am also terribly sad. Seeing happy couples celebrating and always being the odd single person out is a series of kicks to the psyche. Cognitively, I am aware that there are plenty of single people in their 30s and 40s out there... but that doesn't change the fact that I am basically the only one in my friends/family group. I have joined lesbian meetups but never met anyone I clicked with. I've gone on literally dozens of dates through OKCupid, Plenty of Fish, etc. and never really got excited about anyone. I've been in love exactly once and it was the most devastating experience of my life. I'm sort of soured on the idea forever and have vowed to never be truly vulnerable again. And yet I look at happy couples getting married, taking vacations, raising families, just *walking* together and my heart hurts for wanting it so badly.

 

Returning to work will eventually give me something to focus on, but right now it's just hard to be in the building where we once worked together and be reminded of her all the time.

 

Anyway, just venting. Anyone who's also felt hopeless and like there really wasn't anything on the horizon, what kept you going?

[BTDT2012]

((Hugs)) Just wanted to let you know that you've been heard.

[Serendipity55]

BW, I've read all of your posts with much admiration for your bravery and your eloquence.

 

It sounds like you're in a similar place. Feeling stuck. I tried to take back control and get out but I got sucked back in by tales of woe and because I'm too weak I went back to care for him and be there for him.

 

I too worry about ever meeting someone who I can share again all those moments with. As a now single parent my heart weighs heavy when I see all my married friends doing family things with their kids. I was a solicitor too, I had a good marriage and I have a beautiful child. So I am lucky but I also feel lost and like I'm missing something.

 

It also hurts to see my xMM with his W and family, doing family things. He says it's hard work (his M) but it looks from the outside that everything is lovely. I'm sure it's like any long term relationship, up and down, but fact he's having a long term A (or has been) suggests it's probably not as wonderful as he paints it to be.

 

I like you have plenty of friends and a support network, and I'm busy as a full time mum to an energetic child. But it still hurts and I feel your pain palpably through your words. It's especially hard when your MM/MW tell you partly what you want to hear...that they love you, that they'd be with you if they weren't married.

 

I'm sorry I'm not offering any light but I can empathise with you.

 

I try at the moment to put each foot in front of the other. I try to not lose my mind but I'm spiralling at the moment.

 

I try to plough everything into my daughter and my life that's not him. I try to stop obsessing over what he's thinking or trying to second guess him. His words are so confusing but the only person who can untangle his thoughts are him and he's not willing to do that. I try to do other things that might help me meet other people, who will eclipse him in my mind. I think it takes time and a resolve to get past it and also probably meeting someone else who does give you what you need. But that's so much easier said than done because I think the MM/MW's become such a big focus in our lives moving on is hard.

[BreakingWave]

Thanks, y'all. It means so much that people are out there reading my posts, offering hugs and what words they can to help me feel less alone.

 

I'm finally at the place where I recognize the futility of trying to guess what she is or isn't feeling or thinking. It took a long time, but thanks in large part to the caring people here, I got there. I know I have to focus on the only thing I can control, which is how I choose to respond to the situation. Whatever she thinks or feels doesn't matter if she isn't willing to share it. I've been more than open, more than vulnerable, and she chooses not to be. It doesn't matter what reasons lie behind that choice - it's still her choice.

 

I also finally recognize that I'll probably never "get over" her, but that it's possible for me to stop longing for her.. I see that limiting my contact with her, perhaps stopping it altogether for a long while, is one of the best ways to do that. I just wish I better understood why it is so hard to let go of someone who has hurt me so badly multiple times, who has constantly sent me the message that I am unimportant, etc.

 

I see all of her recent posts as vain and narcissistic. She's a 50-year-old woman who announces her every move on social media, posts selfies ad nauseum, and constantly talks about how fun and happy her life is. My general theory on people who behave like that is that they're desperately insecure and seeking validation from outside sources. It's worth mentioning that this behavior has increased since she started shutting me out. Based on what I've learned here, I would guess she's trying to replace the ego strokes she used to get from me. Whether it's working for her or not is something I will probably never find out. My goal is to get to where it doesn't matter. To attain true indifference. It's behavior I would generally find unattractive, and for me watching her do it is kind of sad (not sad in the "I sympathize with you' way, just... sad.)

[BreakingWave]

Sorry to bump yet again. Today is really hard. No contact for four days, a record for us in the last year or so. Killed me to be at work with so many people asking me how she's doing (they know us as best friends and she's quite missed at my workplace, which is where she worked until a few months ago.) People wanted to know when I would put together a happy hour and to make sure she and a couple of other people who used to work with us could come. I have always been the organizer of those things, but was non-committal today.

 

Killed me to know that today was her first day back at work, so she was about ten minutes from me, but hasn't even said hello. I'm not sure what's in her head but assume she's doing fine and not thinking about me or missing me at all. I know I shouldn't let anyone else change how I see my own worth but I feel totally worthless and without value. I won't let myself crumble and reach out to her but I feel so lonely and empty. I have another night of just NOTHING to make it through.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Sorry to bump yet again. Today is really hard. No contact for four days, a record for us in the last year or so. Killed me to be at work with so many people asking me how she's doing (they know us as best friends and she's quite missed at my workplace, which is where she worked until a few months ago.) People wanted to know when I would put together a happy hour and to make sure she and a couple of other people who used to work with us could come. I have always been the organizer of those things, but was non-committal today.

 

Killed me to know that today was her first day back at work, so she was about ten minutes from me, but hasn't even said hello. I'm not sure what's in her head but assume she's doing fine and not thinking about me or missing me at all. I know I shouldn't let anyone else change how I see my own worth but I feel totally worthless and without value. I won't let myself crumble and reach out to her but I feel so lonely and empty. I have another night of just NOTHING to make it through.

 

Post away. In fact, embrace the feeling of knowing she is not thinking about you or missing you. Eventually it will numb you and you won't care. What you resist, persists.

 

Freedom from those thoughts is beautiful and I promise you, it is around the corner. "When you are in hell, keep going."

[Birdies]

Midnight you messed the quote up! Haha. "When you're going through hell - keep going." That was my 2016 mantra.

 

BW - can you sign up for some activities or a meet up or make plans with a friend for some of those lonely evenings? It's so much easier not to feel that gaping absence if you're distracted.

 

I wouldn't assume she's not thinking about you or missing you at all. You have described how she puts on a "isn't my life so grand!" show for the world. Appearances and material things are very important to this woman. I'm sure she cares about you, but when things got too intense and you started wanting too much, she realized how much of that "Real Life" she was risking. She ran the cost-benefit analysis and realized she needed to pull away so as not to upend her life. It's the classic cake-eating. She likes you AND her married life and wants both. She hoped you were happy with that too. But if she had to choose, because it seemed like you weren't content with the arrangement - well, she's not going to upend the apple cart.

 

You're doing the right thing. The pain you are going through now will have had to happen at some point. You're getting it over with now so you can get through it sooner and on to a better, happier you.

[BreakingWave]

Thanks, y'all. I keep trying to believe it's going to be easier some day. Instead, right now it feels like it is getting harder every day. I feel strange not sharing our daily commentary as we both go back to work. It's hard coming home and knowing I definitely won't be seeing her. It's the fifth day without any contact from either side - well, sort of. She commented on a FB post of mine Saturday but that doesn't really count. Maybe she knows ambushing me with H at the drinks was a bridge too far. Maybe she's waiting to hear from me. Or, as Midnight pointed out, maybe she's not thinking about me or missing me, and I need to just get good and angry about that in hopes it'll fuel me to get over her.

 

I do see the wisdom in your posts. I want very much to believe things will get better. Honestly, right now I don't. I just see myself shrinking further and further into this depression and hopelessness. I miss her more and more every day. The friendship, the way we'd laugh, and of course the "limerance" of the early days - and the last month - of our romantic relationship. So weird it was bookended by such happy days with so much hurt in the middle. I thought we'd turned a corner only to have her devastate me a second time. Why even come back, just to suddenly break my heart again? It isn't like I put any new demands on her. If anything, I asked for less the second go-round because I didn't want her to feel pressured or overwhelmed and end it again.

 

There are a few other matters on my mind - my 99-year-old grandmother's rapidly declining mental and physical health, my own health (I had surgery about 6 years ago to remove benign tumors from behind my ear, and have been feeling remarkably similar symptoms lately and need to get that checked out, but again my insurance isn't great and I'm nervous about out of pocket costs) and just overwhelmed about everything.

 

Tonight's the night when she and a couple of other mutual friends and I would typically go out to have drinks and play trivia after work. Normally she'd be here, spending some time with me before we left and met everyone. This time... haven't heard from her since Friday, anticipating people asking me where/how she is, etc. Skipping isn't an option for me - I want to keep doing my thing and enjoying the people and things I've always enjoyed. I do not intend to give up any of our mutual friends other than her family members, and that makes me sad. Her daughter and I have talked about our shared "Game of Thrones" obsession this week, which is kind of a stab because I realize I'm probably eventually going to lose touch with all of them as well.

 

I feel so much resentment toward her... why start it? Why end it and then come back to me and make me believe? Why tell me "you're like part of my family, I can't imagine life without them but I can't imagine it without you either" if it was going to be so easy to throw me away?

 

How can I feel so much bitterness and anger toward her and yet want nothing more than for her to show up and tell me she's made a horrible mistake and wants me back? What's twisted inside me that I want a person who treats me like this, that the good times make me temporarily forget the bad times that've crushed me to my soul?

 

I feel empty and sad all the time. Last night I went to bed early, around 9:30, hoping to catch up on sleep. I ended up tossing and turning, slept about 3 hours total, was up and down, crying rivers of tears to the point that I made myself physically sick. Night after night, it's like this. I don't want to do this anymore.

[Jezebel4]

Please stay strong. This too shall pass

[jah526]

How can I feel so much bitterness and anger toward her and yet want nothing more than for her to show up and tell me she's made a horrible mistake and wants me back? What's twisted inside me that I want a person who treats me like this, that the good times make me temporarily forget the bad times that've crushed me to my soul?

 

That's the million dollar question isn't it? I have the same issue, wanting someone who was really horrible to me. The mind plays tricks on us, remembering the good things and forgetting the bad.

 

It helps me to compare it to a drug addiction. You know that when you give in it feels good, temporarily, until it comes around and knocks you down one way or another. I'm also keeping in mind the last heart-crushing knockdown I got, and I know I can never go back.

 

It does get easier. Remember that they are still trapped in whatever situation got them into an affair to begin with, whereas we have freedom to choose. My AP was extremely jealous of that freedom.

[BreakingWave]

Mine has never mentioned jealous of my freedom. If anything, I think she really loves the stability of being married, having a family, etc. I don't think it feels like a ball and chain to her at all. She's never done the whole "if I were free..." thing with me.

 

It's harder today. I feel pains all over my body. I keep waiting for it to get easier but every hour is worse. I am filled with dread at the thought of another day, week, month, year of this.

Edited August 3, 2017 by BreakingWave

[freengreen]

Mine has never mentioned jealous of my freedom. If anything, I think she really loves the stability of being married, having a family, etc. I don't think it feels like a ball and chain to her at all. She's never done the whole "if I were free..." thing with me.

 

It's harder today. I feel pains all over my body. I keep waiting for it to get easier but every hour is worse. I am filled with dread at the thought of another day, week, month, year of this.

(((BW)))

 

Easy.... it will pass, hang in there... promise.

[BreakingWave]

...and she texted tonight. Small talk. Couldn't bring myself to ignore her, but didn't volunteer too much. Absolutely didn't suggest seeing her or anything like that. Still kills me how she's able to pull me in every time, how I haven't gained any ground, how I don't want or long for her any less.

[rumblefish12]

...and she texted tonight. Small talk. Couldn't bring myself to ignore her, but didn't volunteer too much. Absolutely didn't suggest seeing her or anything like that. Still kills me how she's able to pull me in every time, how I haven't gained any ground, how I don't want or long for her any less.

You can clearly see why no contact is the only way to move on and heal. How could you expect to heal if you keep engaging, like she's picking at a wound?

[BreakingWave]

Rumblefish,

 

My problem is that NC wasn't making it easier, it was making it harder. I also had friends at work asking me how she was, when we're all getting together, etc., so the reminders are near-constant. Our lives are so intertwined. I know that NC isn't supposed to work its magic right away, that it gets harder before it gets better. My problem is that despite everything I still want her. I don't know how to get the message from my brain to my heart that it's over, that she's a coward, that she isn't worth it.

 

BW

[Birdies]

Rumblefish,

 

My problem is that NC wasn't making it easier, it was making it harder. I also had friends at work asking me how she was, when we're all getting together, etc., so the reminders are near-constant. Our lives are so intertwined. I know that NC isn't supposed to work its magic right away, that it gets harder before it gets better. My problem is that despite everything I still want her. I don't know how to get the message from my brain to my heart that it's over, that she's a coward, that she isn't worth it.

 

BW

 

Again - this is where NC comes in. Your heart won't forget about her until your brain does, and your brain won't until you stop reminding it about her by being in touch and talking about her with friends, etc.

 

NC feels harder, not easier, because it's doing the opposite of what your heart wants to do. That hardness is an essential part of the process. Weaning a drug addict off drugs doesn't feel good, it feels shltty, but it's the only way to get clean. Otherwise you stay an addict, which feels good in the moment but is clearly a detriment to your life.

 

Hugs to you BW

[MidnightBlue1980]

Rumblefish,

 

My problem is that NC wasn't making it easier, it was making it harder. I also had friends at work asking me how she was, when we're all getting together, etc., so the reminders are near-constant. Our lives are so intertwined. I know that NC isn't supposed to work its magic right away, that it gets harder before it gets better. My problem is that despite everything I still want her. I don't know how to get the message from my brain to my heart that it's over, that she's a coward, that she isn't worth it.

 

BW

 

What you are doing is called Limited Contact, trying to manage it, to wean off of it till you feel better. It doesn't work. It just keeps you stuck and you feel terrible. NC is forever and while that sounds really bad, its like the blue pill. You take it, see things for how they are and don't care anymore that you have NC. You move on and away.

 

We have all been where you are. I thought I've never get over him. NC works.

[BreakingWave]

For me, NC would mean not only losing her but also friends I've made through her. I'll just have to accept that. I'm sure eventually our mutual friends will figure out that we must've had a falling out and stop asking me about her. Sad, but ultimately not the end of the world.

 

Right now I'm still having trouble getting over the hurdle of *wanting* her in my life, and I think what's going to help the most with that is realizing the person she was in the first two months (and then, oddly, the last month) when things were good is not the person she is capable of being consistently. Right now her plan is to stay married, keep enjoying the good life with her husband in their world, and live "happily" ever after. At least as far as her image is concerned.

 

Short of her coming to me with, "I miss you, I'm getting a D, I want to be in an honest relationship with you" then there's nothing else that's going to make me happy. And yes, I would believe her if she said that, if for no other reason than it would be the first time she'd said it. If she had a history of future-faking it would be harder to believe.

 

Now, I do not honestly believe that is going to happen. I am more inclined to believe the advice I am getting here from men and women who've been through similar situations - that the only way out is through, and that the only way through is NC - is the advice I need to follow. I don't trust that I'm ready to walk that walk yet.

 

What I am currently trying to do is build up my own sense of worth and self-esteem so that gradually I can care a little less about the fact that she and I are not meant to be. To face the fact that I was wrong about that, and to focus on the things about her personality that I do find irritating or troubling (the emotional push and pull, the need for attention and validation, etc.) and remember that those are as much a part of her package as the things that I truly did love (the intelligence and humor, the physical chemistry, her beauty and sense of fun.) I have to convince myself that eventually I'd have been as unhappy with her as I now am without her. I don't really believe that now, but there's something to be said for faking it until I make it.

 

My problem is I still feel very, very attached to the woman she was at her best moments, to the way she made me feel in our happiest days (less than half the time we were "together.") I already thought about "if she wants me to be her casual buddy that she occasionally sleeps with once every couple of months, when she's bored or upset at home and it's easy and convenient for her" and decided that no, that isn't ever going to be enough for me, because I already have deep feelings for her and I'm not wired that way. Having FWBs has never appealed to me. Way too sappy for that, and I'm almost 39. I don't want to waste any more time I could be looking for someone who wants to always make me feel the way she used to.

 

My question is for those of you who've been OW/OM and come out the other side to be well-adjusted and content. How long before you were able to date without longing for your xMW/MM? Did you read any particularly helpful books/websites or listen to any particularly helpful speakers as you tried to build up your shattered sense of self?

 

I'm setting fitness and mental health goals that I hope to achieve on a weekly and monthly basis. I figure if I have something to work toward then I can focus on that, at least, and hope that it gradually matters less to me that this person who was such a central part of my daily life and virtually every waking thought is no longer there.

[BreakingWave]

And as much as I know this needs to matter less, too, I want to stop wondering all the time if she misses me, if she loves me, if she's still considering barking up my tree for a romantic relationship. I think about that all the time... but again, that's time I am wasting worrying about what she does or doesn't want instead of what I personally need to do. My brain is getting there. My heart is a moron!

[MidnightBlue1980]

 

My question is for those of you who've been OW/OM and come out the other side to be well-adjusted and content. How long before you were able to date without longing for your xMW/MM? Did you read any particularly helpful books/websites or listen to any particularly helpful speakers as you tried to build up your shattered sense of self?

 

I'm setting fitness and mental health goals that I hope to achieve on a weekly and monthly basis. I figure if I have something to work toward then I can focus on that, at least, and hope that it gradually matters less to me that this person who was such a central part of my daily life and virtually every waking thought is no longer there.

 

When I was single I was in a bad relationship for 3 years with someone who was separated (read: cake eater). It took me 3-4 months after I finally ended it to feel better. I had to make major changes though in my life and that involved literally moving and changing my job. He did not work at my job but in order to move on mentally, I needed to really shake things up for myself. I bought a condo, traveled, and did online dating after 3 months. Some bad short term relationships followed but eventually I met my now husband. I was totally over the guy by the time I met my husband.

 

For xmm, it was more difficult as I had to see him for a year. For two days each week I would cry and be very depressed. What helped (and I tried it all) was literally not talking to him at all. Not even a hello. I ignored emails and hellos. I also did hypnosis on how to stop thinking about someone. I bought the wav file online and would listen to it daily. Exercise helped, sleep and staying busy.

 

It was a band-aid though but it was all I had for that terrible year. I debated daily if I should leave. Once he was gone, I felt better in 6 months. It took me longer as I could not run and change up my life this time. I had to sit and deal with the mess I had created.

 

I hoped this helped.

[BreakingWave]

Thanks, MidnightBlue1980 - this post, like so many of your posts, truly is helpful. Just knowing there are people who've felt this intensely about someone, lost them, and been able to move on is a reassuring feeling. There is something magical about community, even when heartbreak is what bonds us. I am grateful to people who overcome this heartache and keep posting on the board to help other people through it. Hopefully one day I will be one of them. Right now I am very much in the thick of it, and the pain is crushing.

 

Today I went to spend time with my parents. My dad's 99-year-old mother is in rapid mental and physical decline, and talking about what we're going to do to prepare her (and ourselves) for what's coming took my mind off of MW for a little while. She even texted while I was over there and I didn't let it rock my world or draw my attention away from what truly mattered today.