Clarity is so hard to find...

[Eight]

I started meditating and made sure I kept up with my journaling. Journaling was and is still a saving grace. I can't recommend it to you enough. It lets you get all of your emotions out and also will help you down the road when you can read back and see how far you've come; how you feel much more centered and emotionally healthy.

 

Reading here; the stories; go back and read them. They helped me to see that others had done/been through/relapsed/felt the same/got on the road to recovery too. I didn't feel so alone and felt that I could also rebuild my life; even better than before.

 

I read a lot of books and articles online. Pema Chodron was the most influential to me. Books about codependency, self-esteem. I googled articles about marriage, limerance, affairs, human nature...I learned about my issues that led me to make the decisions I did that got me into the mess of my own creation. I stopped making bad choices in many areas of my life.

 

I have to say that journaling about my feelings and meditation have been key. I meditate once a day for 20 minutes. I write everyday. Sometimes multiple times. Of course, reading the stories here and the advice people have given have also been life savers. There are some truely wise people here.

 

Finally. Time. Lots and lots of time...you just have to go through it and little by little it gets better. Everyone says that; and there were days in the first few months that felt as raw as day one; where my heart actually hurt. Those days are in my past now. The scales have tipped to a deep regret and sorrow. It's been almost 8 months since the last time we saw each other and almost 7 since we last spoke.

[K.K.]

BreakingWave, I've read your thread and look forward to your updates. I'm sorry you're in so much pain. You seem like a very sweet and loving person.

 

She probably does love you. But so called normalcy of being married to a man is probably more along the lines of what she needs. It would take a hell of a lot of strength to completely let go of her life now to be with you. Some people don't have it in them. Perhaps she just wanted an experience with a woman and since she loves you whether it be for friendship of whatever, you were the one she did it with.

 

You're seeing a whole different picture than she is. Because women are what you think of when you think of life partners. Nothing wrong with that at all. You're giving her too much power. I don't see how it could work out given that she's probably heterosexual or bicurious at the most.

 

I know I'm rambling. Forgive me.

 

When I was younger, I had a dream that I was making love with a woman. Who knows why. But it was vivid and great. It was about a girl at work. She was strictly lesbian. And she was butch for lack of a better word. I've seen men who aren't as manly as this girl was. I loved it. She was so strong and beautiful. One day I made a move on her and she went for it.

 

For the next few months I thought I had fallen in love and would get physically sick if she couldn't come see me.

 

Wow what a disaster that turned out to be. She was angry that I wasn't completely gay. And she would push my buttons and treated me worse actually than any man could. With men ya know, sometimes they want the 'goodies' (oh lord) so much that they will act so sweet and get totally enamoured.

 

She had her own goodies. She gave not two sh*ts.

 

I drove to her house one day and she was sitting there with another girl. I almost wrecked my car leaving and said I would never do this again.

 

Point of story. Is that I loved her. But the lifestyle isn't one I would choose. It was a lot harsher than I thought it would be. I was bicurious I guess. But in the long run, I couldnt identify myself as gay. Cause I wasn't. I don't think she's gay. I think she's bicurious. I think you fulfilled her need. And you unfortunately got hurt in the process.

 

They'll be other girls. Hang in there. One day it won't hurt.

[BreakingWave]

K.K.,

 

Thank you for your kind words and for sharing your story. I want to believe that one day it won't hurt, but I don't. I believe one day it'll be easier to move on with my life and accept that she isn't in it - but right now I'm having a hard time even wanting to get there.

 

She's been texting, but it's been very friendly. She keeps saying "we need to get together and catch up" and variations on that theme, but never suggests a time or place. I'm not suggesting anything either, but I am responding in a tone that is equally friendly. I am torn about this - on the one hand, having an easy rapport with her makes the day easier for me, even if our conversations aren't what they once were. I think in a way it makes me feel like "well, let her see how much she misses talking to me, misses having me be a part of her daily life." On the other hand I'm irritated with myself if this is making her feel like "she isn't that upset, what I did wasn't all that bad."

 

I have been thinking about whether I really want to see her again. Well, let's get real. Of course I want to. But I've been thinking about what to say when she finally *does* suggest a definitive place and time.

 

Do I bring up that she has cancelled on me at the last minute three of the last four times we've made plans and therefore I won't really hold my breath? Do I ask "are you planning to bring (H) this time, too?"

 

And if I do see her... I'm asking myself whether I should tell her exactly how angry I am, how deeply she hurt me. How ****ty it was for her to not even dump me, but essentially just emotionally and physically abandon me three weeks before the bar exam at a time when I was also preparing to bury my grandmother? How her desertion doesn't simply make her the world's worst girlfriend, but it makes her an altogether lousy friend, too?

 

I've been going back and forth on this one. It all comes down to me not knowing my own motivations for saying it. I'm not convinced saying it will make me feel better. I'm also not convinced it'll change her behavior or make her a better friend. I don't suffer from the delusion that it'll cause her to say, "Oh, (BW) is such a wonderful person, I really screwed up, I need to change my ways and prove to her that I love her and suddenly be a much better girlfriend for her!"

 

Part of me feels like it's all a big test. Like she gave me a bunch of reasons to hate her in hopes I'd tell her there was no longer a chance in hell and end it for her. Part of me wishes I were strong enough to do exactly that.

 

The thing is, though, I love her. I do want her. Part of me wants to believe there's still hope - but I acknowledge that it is the irrational, stupid part of me that is ignoring mountains of evidence to the contrary.

 

Your story is a sad one, K.K., and I wonder what would have happened if your one-time girlfriend had not been such a jackass. I've never once hurt my xMW, it's always been the other way around. Indeed, she's often said things like, "You're far too patient and kind with me, I would never find the ability to be as understanding with someone as you are with me." And I know that it's as much of a problem as it is a virtue - my patience/understanding/kindness is rooted in a deep lack of self-worth and unwillingness to stand up for myself and risk losing her. But then, I also feel like I've already 'lost' her, so why not practice taking a stand.

 

I know there will be other women. There is one in particular who is very interested in me - the one I dated, briefly, during my first breakup with xMW. She's pretty, smart, fun, has a very bright future ahead, and is an actual lesbian. There's no reason I shouldn't pursue it with enthusiasm... except that she doesn't excite me, she doesn't rock my world the way xMW does. It isn't that I'm addicted to the drama, either - I was just as crazy about xMW in the early stages, before she started the push/pull dynamic. The fact is she's the only person in 38 years I've found to make me feel that way. I don't necessarily believe anyone else ever will.

 

I do wonder, though, if I wouldn't be better off doing what it appears everyone else does - settle for the person who may not excite me but who is a suitable partner in every other way, who "makes sense."

[BreakingWave]

Today is hard. Nothing to do with anything she's done or hasn't.

 

I just give up.

[K.K.]

Girl, I just had to come here real quick and tell you that I SO FEEL YOU. I am so angry today! It was a horribly rough one. And you know what? I know what you mean about them sitting there acting all friendly when inside you're screaming how could you do this to me!! They rip you to shreds and go on with their lives like nothing ever happened while you're laying there like roadkill! Arrrgggggghhhh!!!! You're not alone. I feel you. I feel your pain. I'm in it too. Wherever you are out there in the world, just know..that somebody else feels what you're feeling.

 

We're going to make it through this! We have to.

 

Have you heard Kesha's new song 'Praying'? Please listen to it. It's giving me strength. You'll know why when you hear it. I never thought much of Kesha musically but wow... This song. ... Wow.

 

((( BreakingWave))))

 

P.S I know you're a woman not a girl but I called you girl cause I'm from the south. If it offends I won't do that anymore.

 

Oh also the praying song is not religious to me. More like a from the guts metaphoric kind of thing. Eh I should stop while I'm ahead.

Edited August 10, 2017 by K.K.

[BreakingWave]

Thanks for the song, K.K. I listened to it and I like it. my xMW never said cruel things to me so fortunately I don't relate to that part - but it is a beautiful song. Thanks for sharing it. (And I'm in Georgia, so I get the Southern thing.)

 

I want so badly to reach out to her. To ask her how it's so easy to throw us away and move on like nothing happened. But I know that doesn't lead anywhere good so I'm not letting myself do that. It kills me to know she might think I am moving on and it isn't a big deal. It also kills me to think I'd once again be the one to reach out.

 

 

People survive much harder circumstances than a love affair not working out and go on with their lives to be happy, productive, and purpose-driven. Right now I just can't see that. I don't want to go on.

[K.K.]

Yes I guess mine didn't say cruel things either really. It was more the leading me on and promising one thing and doing something else and then acting all confused when I got hurt by it.

 

I tried the telling him how much it hurt thing and how could he do this. But I was met with a cold stare and more iciness than I could take.

 

They're not going to get it. Unfortunately, they just don't. Maybe they secretly love the fact that we're pining. Maybe it makes them feel big.

 

I know it hurts. And now I'm so angry I can't see straight which believe it or not feels better than the hurt.

 

But you're right. There's so many things worse than this. Not that it feels any less bad. But it is... less bad. Say than Hiroshima or starving children or car accidents that claim lives. I'm completely depressing aren't I? I was trying to make you feel better. Fail.

 

Wow Georgia! Been through there many times on my way to Daytona beach. Virginia here. I think your Georgia humidity even has ours beat.

[BTDT2012]

People survive much harder circumstances than a love affair not working out and go on with their lives to be happy, productive, and purpose-driven. Right now I just can't see that. I don't want to go on.

 

This is the time to turn to your higher power.

[BreakingWave]

The song "Say Something (I'm Giving up on You)" really fits my feelings for her. There are many, of course, but I heard that one today for the first time in a while and I just lost it.

 

A few minutes ago, I stopped myself mid-text to her. I won't let myself reach out again; as badly as I want to. If she doesn't think that I am, or what we had is, worth a conversation, I guess that speaks for itself.

[MidnightBlue1980]

K.K.,

 

I am torn about this - on the one hand, having an easy rapport with her makes the day easier for me, even if our conversations aren't what they once were. I think in a way it makes me feel like "well, let her see how much she misses talking to me, misses having me be a part of her daily life." On the other hand I'm irritated with myself if this is making her feel like "she isn't that upset, what I did wasn't all that bad."

 

 

The easy rapport makes the day easier because it is your fix, your hit. So even though it's not what you really want, it's still that rush which makes you feel better....for a while. Till the crash.

 

Here is the thing - you can stay for years in this state. Unless something happens, like a D day, which seems doubtful, she is content to keep you on the hook because frankly, it makes her day better and her world a little bit brighter.

 

While yours grows a little dimmer.

 

It's called a vampire and it's not like the movies with fangs and blood but it is just as deadly. They feed on your light. That is a quote from my husband to me about xmm. He fed on my light and my husband knew my feelings for him and worried about it. They are parasites. Vultures. Vampires.

 

I'm aware that you are far in the fog now but you can still get out. Each day which you wake up, you have the power and choice over your own life. It is up to you what you choose.

[honeytomb]

Hi again BreakingWave. I haven't posted in awhile but but I have been following your thread. You are right, there is no way out but to go through it and you are doing that. You may not feel it but from reading your posts, you are a world apart from where you were. It's great progress that you were able to pull yourself together for the bar exam and that you are managing your feelings when she contacts you.

 

Your MW may be able to let go and behave as though things are back to the way they were, but you have been hurt too much to be able to do that. Your feelings are still strong, but at this juncture the biggest issue seems to be that she has not been remorseful or taken any responsibility for the pain and disruption she caused. It will be very difficult for you to move on without being heard. She never lied or gave you false hope, but in any relationship, there should be a basic level of care and consideration given, and she didn't provide that. Whether she saw you as simply a FWB or not, she has been aware of your feelings and has been careless. As much as you may not want to, you may have to have that conversation with her to find peace, but only you can know when you are finally ready to go there. The only way for some of us to move on seems to be to allow ourselves to be driven to the breaking point. It is not healthy but it is what it is.

 

As for the woman who is interested in you, I don't know that you should settle. She sounds really into you so I don't think that would be fair to her and I think you will be dissatisfied. Certainly you could try being friends and see where it goes this time and I do think you should still work on cultivating friendships/relationships beyond MW. It may be hard to be invested now but that should improve with time.

[K.K.]

Hi BreakingWave, how was your day? I hope it was better. Even if only a little. Every bit helps. It's terrible you know, that they don't feel the heartbreak and pain too. It's like they're oblivious. Which makes it even worse. Makes me think of people I've kind of liked in the past but not as much as they liked me and I wonder if they felt the same kind of irritation and that certain sort of pain that comes from the other person not being as torn up about it. Somehow you'll have to program your brain into thinking this. Like hey I loved her more than she did me. God that hurts though. Hell, she may be struggling too and just doesn't want to show it so as not to give false hope. You never know.

 

I don't know about the no contact or limited contact. You need to do what's right for you. Maybe if you do stay 'friends' then you will eventually not love her as anything but a friend. Especially if you date other people. Not until you're ready though. That'll make you feel much worse I think. All the comparing.

 

Oh and yea that song 'say something'. That's a crushing tune. I remember it coming on the radio at work when him and I weren't talking again and it about killed me. If they don't say something. Meaningful. Everything just stands still.

[BreakingWave]

This is the time to turn to your higher power.

 

Hi BTDT2012 - Thanks for posting. Believe me, I have been praying and meditating and spending time trying to dial in to my faith. That's what's kept me putting one foot in front of the other. I've been through tough times before and always come out the other side, and I believe it is grace that sees all of us through. At the same time, I am frustrated with my inability to accept this, to stop wanting to turn back time, to look forward to anything.

[BreakingWave]

The easy rapport makes the day easier because it is your fix, your hit. So even though it's not what you really want, it's still that rush which makes you feel better....for a while. Till the crash.

 

Here is the thing - you can stay for years in this state. Unless something happens, like a D day, which seems doubtful, she is content to keep you on the hook because frankly, it makes her day better and her world a little bit brighter.

 

...

 

I'm aware that you are far in the fog now but you can still get out. Each day which you wake up, you have the power and choice over your own life. It is up to you what you choose.

 

Thanks, Midnight - I appreciate your insight, and I think you're absolutely right. It isn't the same fix I used to get, it isn't the same as her asking if we can see each other or being flirty... but it's something. Confirmation that I cross her mind, I guess? That's so sad, when I think about it.

 

Today I had the strong urge to just delete and block, to cut her off from me. It passed just as quickly. I'm tired of giving her so much power, of waiting and waiting to see what will happen and being disappointed when of course nothing does. And yet I can't help being foolish and naive and thinking maybe she's hurting, maybe she misses me, maybe she just needs time to come to her senses. Foolish, I know. She's already come to her senses and made the safest, most practical choice.

[BreakingWave]

Your MW may be able to let go and behave as though things are back to the way they were, but you have been hurt too much to be able to do that. Your feelings are still strong, but at this juncture the biggest issue seems to be that she has not been remorseful or taken any responsibility for the pain and disruption she caused. It will be very difficult for you to move on without being heard. She never lied or gave you false hope, but in any relationship, there should be a basic level of care and consideration given, and she didn't provide that. Whether she saw you as simply a FWB or not, she has been aware of your feelings and has been careless.

 

Thank you, Honeytomb, this post *really* helps me. You've articulated much of what I have been feeling but haven't been able to say nearly as succinctly, and I think that when/if I eventually have this conversation with her, this is absolutely the way I need to talk about it with her. Thanks for that.

[BreakingWave]

Hi K.K., I thought about you today and hoped things were easier for you, too. I had a good day at work, very busy, and the time went by quickly. But now I am looking ahead to a lonely weekend without much to do (I reached out to several friends to try to make plans but they all have stuff going on with spouses/families/partners) - and it seems that's when things get really difficult for me. I am going to try to make rituals for my mornings, afternoons, and evenings so that I always have something to do if downtime gets to be too much.

 

Honestly I don't feel any better today, time is continuing to make it harder as it gets less and less possible for me to think she misses me or feels hurt over the loss of our relationship. I was so convinced just two months ago she loved me - she told me she'd tried to walk away but she couldn't, she'd never be able to - and I believed her. Now she's just acting like it was *nothing* and I feel absolutely discarded.

[BreakingWave]

I watched this and it spoke to me on such a deep, profound level. I considered sharing it with xMW. I defnitely wanted to share it with all of you: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p1TYwVlqGP8&t=135s

[MidnightBlue1980]

I watched this and it spoke to me on such a deep, profound level. I considered sharing it with xMW. I defnitely wanted to share it with all of you: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p1TYwVlqGP8&t=135s

 

That was very intense and now I want to watch all the movies and cry. I am very familiar with what they talk about and I've definitely felt that pain tenfold. I am not sure if this helps you or not, but that feeling the video so perfectly describes, it goes away. I can remember it, but I do not feel it. And I never want to feel it again. I'm not sure it's love because love does not cause excruciating pain. Looking back, it's rare that it's both people feeling that way. Usually it's one-sided, hence the pain.

 

I would not share it with MW. She won't get it. You will get no response or a funny response because the intensity makes her feel uncomfortable.

 

But thank you for sharing.

[SolG]

Right now I'm still having trouble getting over the hurdle of *wanting* her in my life, and I think what's going to help the most with that is realizing the person she was in the first two months (and then, oddly, the last month) when things were good is not the person she is capable of being consistently. Right now her plan is to stay married, keep enjoying the good life with her husband in their world, and live "happily" ever after. At least as far as her image is concerned.

 

Short of her coming to me with, "I miss you, I'm getting a D, I want to be in an honest relationship with you" then there's nothing else that's going to make me happy. And yes, I would believe her if she said that, if for no other reason than it would be the first time she'd said it. If she had a history of future-faking it would be harder to believe.

 

Now, I do not honestly believe that is going to happen. I am more inclined to believe the advice I am getting here from men and women who've been through similar situations - that the only way out is through, and that the only way through is NC - is the advice I need to follow. I don't trust that I'm ready to walk that walk yet.

 

What I am currently trying to do is build up my own sense of worth and self-esteem so that gradually I can care a little less about the fact that she and I are not meant to be. To face the fact that I was wrong about that, and to focus on the things about her personality that I do find irritating or troubling (the emotional push and pull, the need for attention and validation, etc.) and remember that those are as much a part of her package as the things that I truly did love (the intelligence and humor, the physical chemistry, her beauty and sense of fun.) I have to convince myself that eventually I'd have been as unhappy with her as I now am without her. I don't really believe that now, but there's something to be said for faking it until I make it.

 

My problem is I still feel very, very attached to the woman she was at her best moments, to the way she made me feel in our happiest days (less than half the time we were "together.") I already thought about "if she wants me to be her casual buddy that she occasionally sleeps with once every couple of months, when she's bored or upset at home and it's easy and convenient for her" and decided that no, that isn't ever going to be enough for me, because I already have deep feelings for her and I'm not wired that way. Having FWBs has never appealed to me. Way too sappy for that, and I'm almost 39. I don't want to waste any more time I could be looking for someone who wants to always make me feel the way she used to.

 

My question is for those of you who've been OW/OM and come out the other side to be well-adjusted and content. How long before you were able to date without longing for your xMW/MM? Did you read any particularly helpful books/websites or listen to any particularly helpful speakers as you tried to build up your shattered sense of self?

 

BW, You have to delink your happiness with your MW. It's a delusional mindset that traps you. Your life and contentment is all about you. What do you want? A family, kids, professional satisfaction and success? Why have you wedded that vision to this one particular woman? When the world is full of millions of other women with which you have more of a chance of achieving these goals?

 

You have to understand you own your destiny. No one else does other than when you choose to give them that power.

 

I'm not saying it's easy to sever those mental and emotional bonds. Just that the first step is recognising that they are bonds of your own making. Step outside them and acknowledge there are other paths to where you want to be.

 

That's when you can put this to peace.

 

In the big scheme of things where do you want to be? Is this moving you towards or away from your mountain? If not, how can you move towards your goal?

 

YOU have the power.

[BreakingWave]

I reread my entire thread today, and wow. What an experience. I recommend it to everyone still in the "fog" or struggling to make sense of their own experience on either side of an affair.

 

I can't say it's any easier, but as I looked back and read so many true and insightful observations - and the good advice that almost always accompanied them - I do feel a little comfort. I'm currently keeping myself busy with activities that make me feel better. Today, for instance, I went to church and then a yoga class with an old friend. She's a mutual friend of me and MW but to my happy surprise she didn't ask about her at all. I know I have a full life outside of MW, and while I still can't think about love or dating, I know there is a lot to stick around for.

 

Haven't heard from MW at all today. I did post a quick comment on a photo she shared of herself and a grandchild on FB yesterday and she responded with a kiss emoji. Guess she finally found it, six weeks too late, huh? Not sure if that was supposed to mean something or nothing. I'm no longer going bat**** crazy trying to see into her thoughts, though. I'm much more focused on her actions, and this board has really helped her with that.

 

I would say we're now in LC, whether she's thinking in those terms or not. I'm letting her reach out and responding casually and in a friendly way. Eventually we're going to have to have a big talk, but I no longer feel like it has to happen Right Now Or My Life Will Be Over.

 

I feel like I'm slowly finding my strength. At the same time, I would be a liar if I said I didn't still want her or have any sort of hope she can once again be a more decent human being with me.

[What_Did_I_Do]

Aw BW, I want to give you a good shake then a big ((hug)) after. You are hurting so bad so this is meant in the kindest way...your xMW has friend-zoned you. The LC is keeping you hooked for some sign of her changing her mind but it won't happen. You know that, right? One day you won't want to touch that hot stove. Hurts too much.

 

Keep posting here. It is cathartic. I took on a big landscaping project this weekend and it made the daylight hours easier. The evenings...didn't go as well but hope soon I won't cry myself to sleep.

 

Work tomorrow. Blah. But at least it's a distraction.

[BreakingWave]

WDID,

 

You're probably right - she's likely friend-zoned me and is breathing a sigh of relief that her drama is over, while I sit over here pretending I still have some control over the situation, that some part of her still wants me and might come calling again. Joke's been on me all along, why wouldn't it be now?

 

Congrats on your new project. I know what you mean about it being easier when you're busy - my workdays are more manageable than my evenings, so I've been trying to keep really busy. I have a dog so I need to spend quality time at home after work, though, so going out all the time is not a real option. Also, budget. :-) What I'm working on is establishing some sort of ritual mindset so that I don't feel like I have tons of empty hours.

 

BW

[What_Did_I_Do]

But you DO have control over the situation - see? You have 100% control over where you direct your life from here (outside circumstances notwithstanding LOL).

 

You might be stuck in the "why"....why did she tell me those things or why didn't she be honest and say she couldn't do this or do that. We all want those answers...but will never get them. Not fully anyway. Think of it this way, have you ever been in a RL where you just needed out, with minimal damage, didn't want to hurt the other person but just hoped to fade away. If so, the last thing you probably wanted to do was issue a lengthy diatribe of reasons and emotions to answer all the questions put forward. Then that would only lead to bargaining from the dumpee who promises to change or do this differently etc. I suspect your xMW has done exactly this. Remaining 'friends' eases the situation and she doesn't have to provide any uncomfortable answers (aka lies) to you.

[K.K.]

BreakingWave how are you? It's been a horribly lonely weekend for me. I know now that it really doesn't matter how wrong someone is for you and how your rational side may clearly see that. I know that. I get that. But when your soul is completely consumed by another person, even if you're taking steps to move forward, the pain of never again being able to feel them in your arms is too much to take. The memories. The gut wrenching sadness of missing them. The future that will never be.

 

I think I know how you were feeling a few weeks back. Grief stricken. Sick with loneliness. I thought of you today because that's where I find myself now. The anger has given way to pure pain. I don't know which is worse. The anger or the pain.

 

I hope you're doing well. Have you made any progress in how you feel about things? Do you still miss her constantly or are you seeing her from time to time?

 

I get how just because you do have control over your situation, it doesn't always mean you have control over your emotions. You feel what you feel. We feel what we feel.

[K.K.]

P.S. I loved the video you posted above. I watched it twice when you posted it. Forgot to tell you that.

 

I've been listening to the song below over and over and over again. I know it's making me worse but I can't stop. I'm wallowing in my own misery. Sometimes it's unavoidable.