Clarity is so hard to find...

[BreakingWave]

Well, it's been a while since I updated. The relationship is over and I let her know I can't just be her friend and watch her live happily ever after with her H. She said she was sorry, wants to be friends, and believes that one day I will realize this is for the best.

 

Time doesn't heal all wounds. Some only get deeper. I tried so hard to fight the current but now I see. I want to walk into the ocean, swim until I am too tired to keep moving, and surrender. I'm done.

[lostgirl87]

Well, it's been a while since I updated. The relationship is over and I let her know I can't just be her friend and watch her live happily ever after with her H. She said she was sorry, wants to be friends, and believes that one day I will realize this is for the best.

 

Time doesn't heal all wounds. Some only get deeper. I tried so hard to fight the current but now I see. I want to walk into the ocean, swim until I am too tired to keep moving, and surrender. I'm done.

Eventually you'll be ok. Take pride and some comfort that you were strong enough to end it. That's not easy! You're stronger than you think. It's going to hurt like hell before it feels better but one day you'll wake up and go about your day. Then all of a sudden it's the afternoon and you realize she hasn't crossed your mind.

 

You'll get there one day. I know it. Don't underestimate what you've already accomplished. That's HUGE! I'm sorry you're hurting but nobody is ever worth it to stop swimming. We swim for ourselves. To accomplish bigger and better things for US. One day soon you'll find a partner who is worthy of you. Just gotta get through this first...one day at a time! You got this!

[BTDT2012]

You will get through this. Your whole life is ahead of you. Take the lessons that you have learned and live a good life. When do you get your bar results?

[K.K.]

Well, it's been a while since I updated. The relationship is over and I let her know I can't just be her friend and watch her live happily ever after with her H. She said she was sorry, wants to be friends, and believes that one day I will realize this is for the best.

 

Time doesn't heal all wounds. Some only get deeper. I tried so hard to fight the current but now I see. I want to walk into the ocean, swim until I am too tired to keep moving, and surrender. I'm done.

 

BreakingWave it's good to see you here. I was starting to think you jumped off a building. Was worried!

 

You know what? What she said about realizing the breakup being the best thing for you? It probably is. Honestly. She.cannot.give.you.what.you.need. Period. You need someone that's in it for you, with you, alll about YOU. You deserve that kind of love. She can't provide it.

 

Hell yea I know it hurts. But at least the last chapter is closed. You told her what you would and wouldn't accept. You don't want to be just friends.

 

I have a feeling one day than when you're healed, being just friends will be fine with you. I don't think she hurt you on purpose, not at all. She's just a straight woman who had a curiosity, a fantasy and saw that fulfilled in you. I do think she loves you. I just think she chose the husband and married life because that is what she knows. Path of least resistance and all.

 

And damnit time does heal. Maybe not all, maybe it leaves a scar. But I've been desperately in love and hurt enough times to know that it does. I can look at those people( that yes! I've wanted to die over )and not feel anything. I see the memories of them in my head but I don't feel the pain anymore. I'm not special. You can do this too. It takes time. How do you think I know that I'll get over my MM? Because I know. Experience. I know I will. So will you.

 

Hang in there! It's rock bottom now. There's absolutely no where to go but up.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Time does heal but only if you also do your part and that means never looking backwards, never opening that door. Why would you want to be friends with someone who would use someone for their own fun and curiosity without a care for the other person's regard? I say that not so much for you (as you did not say you wanted to be friends) but because people will post that one day it's possible. Life is too short to keep people around who only cause you pain.

 

I'm sorry, I do know your pain. I also lived it and thought I'd never recover. Keep no contact, don't look back and I promise you that you will get there. And then you move on forever, and never open that door again.

 

How did you do on the Bar?

[BreakingWave]

Thanks for the kind words, everyone. I doubt that this one will heal but I know I am not the first person to say that and mean it, and for some people it does heal. I fee embarrassed about how honest I was with her. I finally told her how deeply she had hurt me and mentioned wanting to die. If anything I probably just convinced her I'm weak and crazy and she was right to ditch me. She even told me I needed to establish better boundaries and protect my heart better.

 

The Bar results don't come out until the end of October. Honestly I don't even care about them. I had no intention of practing again but took it at her urging, thinking she wanted to start a life together and I would need more income. More income wouldn't hurt but it isn't like I particularly enjoyed practicing (I left it six years ago for good reasons.) Then studying gave me something to focus on during this really horrible summer.

[Birdies]

Thanks for the kind words, everyone. I doubt that this one will heal but I know I am not the first person to say that and mean it, and for some people it does heal. I fee embarrassed about how honest I was with her. I finally told her how deeply she had hurt me and mentioned wanting to die. If anything I probably just convinced her I'm weak and crazy and she was right to ditch me. She even told me I needed to establish better boundaries and protect my heart better.

 

The Bar results don't come out until the end of October. Honestly I don't even care about them. I had no intention of practing again but took it at her urging, thinking she wanted to start a life together and I would need more income. More income wouldn't hurt but it isn't like I particularly enjoyed practicing (I left it six years ago for good reasons.) Then studying gave me something to focus on during this really horrible summer.

 

Hey lady. Good for you for putting your future self first, at the expense of your present self. I know how hard that can be! *high five* You did the right thing for YOU, cutting it off.

 

As for time healing all wounds....it doesn't necessarily heal the wound back to the flawless previous iteration. I think of it more like a wound scabbing up and eventually scarring, so that the searing pain fades away but it always remains a bit of a sensitive spot that hurts a little when it's bumped.

 

And that's ok to have those reminders, that's how we learn from painful experiences. What have you learned from yours? Have you thought about seeing a counselor to work through that question? So far your conclusions seem to revolve around MW and her cruelty, and feeling sorry for yourself that you didn't see this all coming. Which is understandable! But there's got to be more to be learned from this, than just that. You can use this experience to improve your future life and your coping mechanisms, if you try. Just something to think about. Big hugs to you, hang in there.

[Vivir]

I fee embarrassed about how honest I was with her. I finally told her how deeply she had hurt me and mentioned wanting to die. If anything I probably just convinced her I'm weak and crazy and she was right to ditch me. She even told me I needed to establish better boundaries and protect my heart better.

 

BreakingWave, maybe you convinced her that you're weak and crazy and that she was right to ditch you. But maybe you taught her she needs to tighten her own boundaries; the sanctity of her marriage is her responsibility. She allowed a third person into it that could've (and still could) wreck her fancy world. She is responsible for protecting her husband's heart, and this tsunami into your romantic life and covert excursion from her marriage has been an EPIC FAIL. So, as for her advice to you, I agree with her, but really (and I hope you'll notice my sarcasm) she is one to talk: pot meet kettle.

 

It will take some time, maybe years, to become more objective about how you each taught the other life lessons (or were the catalyst that made those lessons plain): married people are not available for any other romantic-type relationship; single people should immediately shut down any person who is discovered to be unavailable. As for now, you have to be like a guard dog for BreakingWave, be about helping and healing you. As far as I am concerned, you might feel low, but she has not got off scot-free... she has lost a dear friend and could potentially lose her husband (and more) if he were to find out.

[BreakingWave]

Hi Birdies,

 

Yes, I definitely thought about seeing a counselor. I spent many hours looking for free or low-cost resources, and received some good advice here for where I might look. Unfortunately, my income is too high to qualify for most of those programs, or they were university-run and only open to members of that academic community. I'm in that lovely spot of making too much for qualify for price reductions but not enough to actually afford therapy, which is far too much for me to do on a weekly or even bi-weekly basis whether I use my insurance or go cash-basis.

 

So I've hit YouTube and the library for speakers who cover issues like heartbreak, intermittent reinforcement/attachment issues, suicidal ideation, building self-worth, boundaries, etc. I've found some incredible speakers, like Mel Robbins. And I think there's real value in that. I've also been praying a lot more than I have in years, and I think that's been and will continue to be very important to me as I try to learn and grow from this experience.

 

I've already caved. I had a long text talk with MW yesterday and she called today. After all that was said I believe she truly loved/loves me, but she did a cost/benefit analysis and in the end, she knew she'd never leave her family and truly felt is was better for me not to be strung along, whether she was doing that intentionally or not. She knew I was in love with her and wouldn't explore other options as long as I saw her as an option, so she took that option off the table for me. I appreciated the talk even though it was sometimes painful - for the first time she explained to me WHY she shut down, and I accept her explanations as true. I do not believe she meant to hurt me, but I do believe she was conscious that she was. I think she honestly believes this is best for everyone.

 

I had no desire, still have no desire, to break up a family. I cannot pretend I don't think she did the objectively "right" thing. I am aware people have survived these situations and gone on to live happy, productive lives. I'm aware people all over the world are facing life and death decisions and would love to be able to kick back and worry about nothing except that the person they love doesn't want to be romantically involved with them anymore.

 

Being aware of all that really doesn't make it hurt less. I know it'll be years, and I'll probably never really get over it. I think the best I can hope for is to be a stronger, wiser version of myself with a bit more scar tissue. But I'm already almost 40 and it's hard for me to consider that I've completely squandered years I should have been starting a family and building a life, just because my "person" didn't come along until now, and was already someone else's "person."

 

So I guess now I have to reinvent myself. I don't know who the hell I want to be though, I liked the me I was here, I just feel like she's dying/dead.

[BreakingWave]

Just wanted to post an update.

 

I passed the Bar examination - found out today. I am surprised in some ways - as many of you will remember, I had a really hard time studying in the midst of MW ending our relationship.

 

I have not posted in a while. I'm a little embarrassed by my lack of 'progress.' It's been over since late June/early July... there was never an official breakup. We stayed "friends" for a while through early October, despite a couple of long, serious conversations. I accept that she has feelings for me but they'll never be enough to change her decision to recommit to her marriage. I may think he's unworthy; that won't change her decision.

 

I did finally yell and cuss and let my feelings out during our last phone conversation about 10 days ago. It hasn't been the same since. I think she's pulling back and avoiding me, and I believe one day I can be okay with this. I am definitely not okay with it now, though, and today's news was bittersweet. She was the one who really encouraged me to take the exam and it was strange not celebrating it with her.

 

I am no less fixated on her, though part of me wants to be. There is still a big part of me that insists it will work out, give it time, etc., but now I realize that's foolish.

 

I am still battling severe depression and sometimes-scary mood swings, but I am truly working on overcoming it. I don't feel as hopeful as that may sound; there are plenty of days when I believe this affair will truly be the end of me, and she'll go on just fine.

 

I truly value the friends I have made here and the support I have received here.

[carhill]

Someday you'll look back on this and chuckle.

 

It'll get better. Congrats on passing the bar.

[Poppy47]

Well done!!

 

I am celebrating retiring from my profession after 40 years, my 70th birthday and the purchase of a new apartment.

 

All this without exMM. It is so much more enjoyable and SIMPLE !!!! He doesn't belong in my world.

 

Celebrate for yourself. What you have done is a might achievment. You are a very special woman.

 

Poppy.

[Vivir]

BreakingWave! You DID it!! I am so proud of you (I really like this bunny, too!)

 

As you know, you do not actually have to practice just because you passed the Bar... there are so many ways you can use your expertise and license to help others help themselves; you can carve out your own niche... you don't have to practice if you don't want to, but it is an option you now have and I think that is so cool

 

Also, you finally yelled and cussed at xMW. Yeah, I gotta say, I saw this one coming a mile off, basically because you were so unhappy in your lopsided situation but continued communication... I, too, yelled and threw accusations in xMM's direction, no cussing, but that was only because I tempered what I had to say to the best of my ability. Like you've experienced, the true anger spewing from my mouth changed things...

 

...I think he finally got it. She has backed away; maybe for your own good, maybe for hers... Your xMW cannot be the woman she "is" in her real life with you, because your view of her includes a world of hurt.

 

But it shouldn't be about her now. It should be about YOU! It should be about the real-time present and future you are creating for YOU. I am excited for you because of the possibilities! I mean, what are you gonna do?? You have some decisions to make, BreakingWave! It's a new beginning, after all!!!

 

But I agree with Poppy, you should start with a celebration - even a mini one that just includes yourself.

 

*Just want to add that the lull you are experiencing in your "progress" is typical, you know. The wisdom around here is that it takes at least six months of NC just to start to turn a corner - YIKES! My point is I think you definitely should show yourself some compassion and understanding and patience. You deserve that, right? (Yes, you do!)

 

Congratulations on passing the Bar!

Edited October 29, 2017 by Vivir

[MidnightBlue1980]

*Just want to add that the lull you are experiencing in your "progress" is typical, you know. The wisdom around here is that it takes at least six months of NC just to start to turn a corner - YIKES! My point is I think you definitely should show yourself some compassion and understanding and patience. You deserve that, right? (Yes, you do!)

 

Congratulations on passing the Bar!

 

Congrats!!!

 

Yes, 6 months to start feeling better and then a year after that. So make no big decisions now. But you know you need to do absolute NC. I think you deserve a fresh start with someone who deserves and respects you.

[BreakingWave]

Thanks, y'all. I saw my doctor today and gave her a *very* general description of what's happened this year - that I've gone through a really tough breakup, studied for and passed the Bar, am preparing for the death of a grandparent to whom I'm close, etc. She suggested that I start Lexapro, and I'm going to give it a shot. I'm looking at it as, "It's not forever, it's just for now."

 

I also found out that my church (it's large) has a spiritual counseling program. I'm a little wary (ask any gay person, we'll tell you exactly why the idea of 'Christian counseling' makes us nervous) but one of the directors of the program is, in fact, a lesbian. The church is a progressive one. So... I feel like it's worth exploring, because it is a free program and the only thing holding me back from IC so far has been the price.

 

There's a long road ahead of me, but I do feel like it's one I can travel. I don't have the same level of despair. I hope one day to be so successful that I can run into MW and she'll regret walking away from me, but I know that's petty. What I should wish for, instead, is that I'll run into her and just not care. I'm definitely nowhere near there yet, though.

[BTDT2012]

Congratulations on passing the bar! Wishing you peace and happiness.

[BreakingWave]

Five months post-dumping... and I’m still obsessed with xMW it’s really kind of pathetic - her life is moving on, I supoose, happy and complete. And I’m still devastated. I will feel myself making what seems like progress and then slip back into depression. I’ve been on anti-depresssnts for about a month, and have been meditating and praying daily. I’m working a lot and spending time with friends. She’s always in the back of my mind - my first thought in the morning and my last thought at night. It’s ridiculous and I’ve never developed this level of fixation on any person or thing before. I don’t think this will ever change, and it worries me that I’ll never truly move on or be happy again.

[Poppy47]

Five months post-dumping... and I’m still obsessed with xMW it’s really kind of pathetic - her life is moving on, I supoose, happy and complete. And I’m still devastated. I will feel myself making what seems like progress and then slip back into depression. I’ve been on anti-depresssnts for about a month, and have been meditating and praying daily. I’m working a lot and spending time with friends. She’s always in the back of my mind - my first thought in the morning and my last thought at night. It’s ridiculous and I’ve never developed this level of fixation on any person or thing before. I don’t think this will ever change, and it worries me that I’ll never truly move on or be happy again.

 

If you keep away from her, your thought patterns will gradually change. Your brain cannot keep that level of obsession with something that is no longer tangible.

 

Give it a year at least,

Poppy.

[Vivir]

Hi there BreakingWave!

 

The road is long; the journey arduous. But it can be done.

I'm sorry I didn't respond to what you wrote a lot sooner.

 

Did you ever try out the counseling program at your church?

 

I had been so happy to learn that you didn't have the same level of despair... even if it goes away slowly, I hope you can appreciate that the despair is going away.

 

The church is a progressive one. So... I feel like it's worth exploring, because it is a free program and the only thing holding me back from IC so far has been the price.

 

There's a long road ahead of me, but I do feel like it's one I can travel. I don't have the same level of despair. I hope one day to be so successful that I can run into MW and she'll regret walking away from me, but I know that's petty. What I should wish for, instead, is that I'll run into her and just not care. I'm definitely nowhere near there yet, though.

 

This future possibility of being able to run into her and just not care would be awesome, something to look forward to. It has happened to me a couple of times in the past. The thing is, when those feelings are gone, they are gone. At that point, you won't want her back at all. And it is highly likely that if she were free and came to you, you still would not want her at that point... even if you tried to change your own mind... Like I said, it would be awesome.

 

Five months post-dumping... and I’m still obsessed with xMW it’s really kind of pathetic - her life is moving on, I supoose, happy and complete. And I’m still devastated. I will feel myself making what seems like progress and then slip back into depression. I’ve been on anti-depresssnts for about a month, and have been meditating and praying daily. I’m working a lot and spending time with friends. She’s always in the back of my mind - my first thought in the morning and my last thought at night. It’s ridiculous and I’ve never developed this level of fixation on any person or thing before. I don’t think this will ever change, and it worries me that I’ll never truly move on or be happy again.

 

You may have to actively shut down your thoughts of this woman. Replace her images with some other image. As soon as she pops into your head, have some prearranged thing to do, something productive or someone else (like yourself) to think about. Have a list of things you need to get done. Have a list of people you can contact where you would need to focus entirely on that person (like your grandparent or a super active child or catching up with an old friend).

 

The thought in the morning: fine, allow yourself a few minutes, but then... you've got more important things to do! You know, like your awaiting breakfast meal!

 

The thought just before bed: for me, I have imagined my place, a sanctuary. I listen to "spa" music, light a candle, and imagine myself resting in a hammock near a private beach...

 

Just try it a couple of times and see how it works out for you.

Be active (you know, like the bunny!)

 

You can do this

[BreakingWave]

Hi all,

 

Taking advice and continuing to check in despite not being able to share "happy" news about how far I've come. The last few days should have been really happy ones for me - I was sworn in to the state bar, I have a few job prospects coming together for next year, and am ready to leave my current job whenever I can officially line something up. All of it feels pretty meaningless, though.

 

The holiday cards are coming in - all those happy, smiling couples and families. Yes, I know there's a lot behind the photos, and I know that no one's life is perfect. I accept that. It's still difficult to come home to an empty and lonely place every day.

 

I don't look forward to anything. I don't want to live the rest of my life alone, and yet the very idea of trying to date or make the effort to bring someone new into my life is completely unappealing to me. I don't feel like I really know myself anymore. I've always been a very goal-oriented, driven person (aside from occasional episodes of loneliness/depression that never got this deep and never lasted this long...) and now I just feel like I'm floating and don't care about anything.

 

Anyway. No real point to this so much as to say it's a dark hour of the soul over here and I'm struggling to make it. I know there are likely other people struggling during the holidays and I wish you strength during these days, too.

[Poppy47]

Good Morning Breaking Wave,

 

In the wisdom of my old age, I think you are trying to solve too many of life's problems all at once.

 

Try taking one thing at a time... prioritise your job and get that straight. You worked so hard to get there.

 

THEN look at the rest of your life. You have all your life ahead of you and I'll bet you won't spend it alone.

Season's Greetings to you from Australia.

 

I do admire your determination and your wonderful achievement. Those opportunities simply didn't exist when I was young.

 

Poppy.

[georgia girl]

Hi all,

 

Taking advice and continuing to check in despite not being able to share "happy" news about how far I've come. The last few days should have been really happy ones for me - I was sworn in to the state bar, I have a few job prospects coming together for next year, and am ready to leave my current job whenever I can officially line something up. All of it feels pretty meaningless, though.

 

The holiday cards are coming in - all those happy, smiling couples and families. Yes, I know there's a lot behind the photos, and I know that no one's life is perfect. I accept that. It's still difficult to come home to an empty and lonely place every day.

 

I don't look forward to anything. I don't want to live the rest of my life alone, and yet the very idea of trying to date or make the effort to bring someone new into my life is completely unappealing to me. I don't feel like I really know myself anymore. I've always been a very goal-oriented, driven person (aside from occasional episodes of loneliness/depression that never got this deep and never lasted this long...) and now I just feel like I'm floating and don't care about anything.

 

Anyway. No real point to this so much as to say it's a dark hour of the soul over here and I'm struggling to make it. I know there are likely other people struggling during the holidays and I wish you strength during these days, too.

 

Breaking Wave,

 

I'm sure other posters will disagree with me, but I think it's time you start dating again. Why? As much as you believe that you are never going to get over your xMW, the fact is that you don't actually longer for HER anymore. Instead, you're longing for an idealized, romanticized version of her and your relationship. Having been through many heartbreaks in my life, (I am now happily married), I can see now that this is when you are actually best ready to move on. It's not that you miss her. It's that you miss being in love and all of the possibilities that brings. It's time to have a date or two. You may develop a crush, you may not. But, it's time to start visioning yourself with someone else, even if it at first you only do it to lessen the pang of loneliness.

 

Get out there. Kiss some frogs. (And just kiss - no more. And only single ones. ) You may just fall in love again. I met my husband after one of my most serious breakups (we had been engaged), and I wasn't looking for love. I was convinced it was NEVER going to happen for me anyway. And somehow, without even wanting it to happen, my husband became the love of my life. You now face a crossroads: you can either sit on the bench spending the rest of your life mourning the "what ifs" or you can start to get back into the game.

 

Recovery is a time process, but it's also a process that - once enough time has passed - can become an active process. Take control. You are an attorney. You've got leads on a good job. I bet you're smart and funny and have a ton of interests that would appeal to a girl. Go find her.

[georgia girl]

And to give you a little more inspiration...

 

I met my husband on a dating site that I signed up for, you guessed it, in December! I had gotten tired of being sad and lonely and signed up for the dating site. At first, the most I could do was log in to see if I liked anyone or they liked me. It actually took a full month for us to even regularly email and another two months for me to meet my husband in person (I REALLY wasn't in the mood to fall in love). But, it was a ton of fun to just flirt again.

 

Give it a try. It breaks you out of the soul-destroying mourning to have a little something to look forward to, even if it's just your computerized "matches" for the day.

 

FYI: statistically, the biggest "signup period" for dating sites occurs in December and January. For December, you have to think it's people being lonely over the holidays and in January, all of those new year's resolutions.

Edited December 16, 2017 by georgia girl
One more thought...

[BreakingWave]

Thanks, Poppy and GeorgiaGirl. I appreciate your kindness and encouragement.

 

I did try dating for a while. I ended up excusing myself and having a breakdown in the bathroom because I was so miserable trying to get to know someone. I'm terrified of letting anyone in too close. After all, if my supposed "best friend" who claimed to be in love with me could do this to me... why trust anyone else? It took me 39 years to let anyone in to that degree. I'm just not interested in doing it again.

 

Also, I'm trying to get finances sorted. In the hetero world, men typically pick up the check (in the early stages, at least.) In my world, dutch is the norm. Dating is *expensive,* particularly if you're not really feeling the inclination.

 

I just keep asking myself why I'm here. So far all I've got is that I don't want to hurt my parents and friends. I realize that's not "supposed" to be why I'm staying alive, but right now it's all I have.

[Cullenbohannon]

I just keep asking myself why I'm here. So far all I've got is that I don't want to hurt my parents and friends. I realize that's not "supposed" to be why I'm staying alive, but right now it's all I have.

 

Why you are here is a active and ongoing question. The answer is not in your past. It will be answered today, tomorrow and next year. Your purpose in life may feel unknown for the moment, but you have a great foundation to make your mark in this world.

 

To fall so far, where one question their existence, is a place where I have been. The dead lows. The disappointments. I had my moment of "clarity" when I figured out that change is not something you wait for, but a decision you make. I don't have advice on the lost love and how to get over it, but I hope your outlook on who you are and why you are here changes for the better.

Edited December 17, 2017 by Cullenbohannon