Clarity is so hard to find...

[MJJean]

Date yourself. Go out and do new things, eat at strange restaurants, learn to knit or sew or how to make cabinets, get involved with lawyers groups and organizations, volunteer somewhere, get spiritual (whatever flavor you wish, it helps, trust me), take a class just for fun. Be more of the world so you have a reason to stay in it. Be open to love, but make a nice life as a solo traveler. If it happens, great. If not, great.

 

Also, might want to get a pet. I'm most partial to dogs and parrots, but plenty of other critters make fine friends. Give yourself something to love, that loves you unconditionally, and so that you don't come home to an empty house. I get excited to come home because I have a beautiful African Grey and a couple dogs I'll get to see when I walk through the door.

[SteadyPace77]

There's nothing to gain when you let someone occupy space in your mind and heart that does not want to be with you. Hanging out with friends, writing journal entries, Netflix binge watching are ways that can help cope when you miss someone. This seems to be working for me at the moment.

[Vivir]

(((BreakingWave)))

I know the feeling of numbness and the feeling of lack of motivation... the feeling of meh when things that are considered good happen and we just stare blankly and feign excitement ... but in that moment, they mean nothing at all. It is like being dead inside, merely existing. And it is one of the main symptoms of depression.

 

I just wanted to share the following words with you from Rachel Mary Stafford's Only Love Today: Reminders to Breathe More, Stress Less, and Choose Love:

 

"This is what my note to self said:

Maybe the best thing you could do right now is just sit with it a while.

Maybe the bravest thing you could do right now is just decide this will not defeat you.

Maybe the most productive thing you could do right now is just fold your hands in prayerful silence.

Maybe the most sensible thing you could do right now is just laugh...laugh in the face of it all.

Maybe the most powerful thing you could do right now is just close your eyes and envision a positive outcome.

Maybe the most loving thing you could do right now is just give yourself room to breathe.

Maybe the best thing to do right now looks like nothing at all.

But it's not.

Because when you're gathering hope, it's patient.

When you're gathering strength it's quiet.

When you're gathering resilience, it's unnoticeable.

In the face of challenge and uncertainty,

sometimes the best thing you can do right now is just hold on."

 

It simply takes time, BreakingWave. And unfortunately, there are no shortcuts. Please don't give up.

 

I date myself, as MJJean suggested. Usually, I sit at the bar and make myself ask people questions - at least one question. My most recent self-date was to a quaint place where my agenda was to try a drink mentioned on the show The Blacklist. I also ordered a dip that turned out to be both healthy AND disgusting My question was to the server; how was this (crappy) dip made?? It obviously needed more of the bad stuff to excite my taste buds, but that is neither here nor there...

 

I have also decided to try out MeetUp.com just to get out there. Groups, no one-on-one pressure. But I realize you may not be up to doing this... even I didn't do it until I felt ready.

 

You will do things in your own time. Just don't give up on you.

 

Also.... I had a date pretty much planned last night. The guy never showed up or called. Well, not yet anyway. I decided that I am not yet ready to date based on this; I am just not ready to deal with new hurts where romantic partners are concerned.

Edited December 17, 2017 by Vivir

[BreakingWave]

Thanks, y'all, for the great suggestions and taking the time to respond to my post.

 

I do have a pet - a wonderful 11-year-old Lab. Lately, she's been with my ex while I work a lot of extra hours, but I'll get her back this week. Having to take care of her does give me a sense of purpose, though I'm certain she'd be okay without me as well.

 

I've also joined MeetUp and have been to a local writer's group. I really enjoyed the people I met. Not at all open to dating right now - I just don't want to let anyone else near my heart, and I don't think it would be fair to date someone else while I'm still hung up on xMW. I also have no idea how I'm supposed to answer eventual questions about my last relationship. I'm sure many here can relate to feeling like damaged goods.

 

I feel like I'm doing the "right" things - they're just not clicking yet. The affair was, off and on, about eight months long. Only two really good months, followed by half a year of highs and lows, followed by me slowly figuring out that we were off for good because she never had the guts to tell me. Then followed by trying to be "just friends" and me realizing I couldn't, doing all the "right" things to get over it. We've been broken up now for about six months. I'm no closer to getting over her than I've ever been... which just kind of makes me feel pathetic, wasting time and energy on someone who clearly does not want to be with me.

[Cullenbohannon]

wasting time and energy on someone who clearly does not want to be with me.

 

This is life of the OW. Wasting time as if life goes on forever. Spending months and years of your life waiting and wishing for someone that will never make you truly happy. Draining you of the most precious thing in life......time. Not only are you spending your life treading water, but you are treading with a boulder tied to your leg, getting tired and giving up as the boulder drags you down slowly.

 

I am not some wise one, trying to dole out advice to save the world. Years ago, I decided to swim and save myself. My only regret is that it took me so long to make that decision.

 

We watched the Christmas movie last night. The one with the ghost of Christmas past, present and future. He wakes up and figures out it is still Christmas and he still has TIME to do the right thing. Make the decision to cut the cord and swim to shore.

 

I know it may look bleak, but we hope it is ok to wish you a Happy Holiday season.

 

C&C

[Veronica73]

Hi BreakingWave,

Your whole story has really resonated with me. I don’t know why, but I feel like you and I are in a very similar place, even though the relationships/loves we are trying to get over are very different. I think we are similar in age (don’t remember... because I read the beginning of your thread awhile ago) but I’m 44. And I’m straight. I got divorced a few years ago, and I am still trying to get over it. He was the love of my life and I seriously doubt I will ever be with anyone in a real, intimate way again. I still cry about him and I still love him. And I was the one who ended it. But I never thought I would get married in the first place. But I totally fell for him and thought this was the real deal and went all in. And I got burnt badly. And I have next to no interest in dating again. I don’t even know if it’s fair trying to date again when I’m not over my ex. But I feel like I’m reaching my expiration date. It is so much harder dating when you are older. I hear after menopause it’s even worse, and I think I’m approaching that. So part of me is like, my time is running out. But I’m not ready to let anyone in.

 

So often I think, what’s the point? I don’t have anybody. But I know it would devastate my family if I did something. And there is always a chance things could get better. I’m thinking after the holidays, maybe I’ll try volunteering. Maybe that would give me some purpose bigger than myself. It’s hard being alone during the holidays. Coming home to an empty home. Well, I have a dog and a cat thank god. I don’t know what I’d do without them. I’m kinda of telling myself that I’ll do my best to take care of myself... like how if I was a parent- take good care of myself like I would my child (if I had one) for the next half a year.... as an experiment and see where I’m at come June. And reevaluate.

 

Don’t beat yourself up for still being in the dumps. You have a good heart. You’re smart. She was your best friend and you love/loved her. It’s good to be sensitive and passionate. But it’s also hard. Be patient with yourself. I’m sorry I made this so much about myself. And I hope it’s not depressing. But I totally get where you are, and you’re not the only one there. I feel like I’m in the same place, and I’m rooting for you. Hang in there and do your best. That’s all you can do, right? I have to believe things will change and get better.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Hi Breaking Wave. Congrats on your professional success. I don't have any magical words of wisdom other than it does get better but it takes time and complete no contact. I think you have had some contact with her since it ended, no? For me, it ended Dec 22, 2015 (yes, I typed that right 2015) after only 5 months but its almost 2 years now and I finally feel mostly normal again. The entire year of 2016 was a complete waste as I saw him weekly, everyone told me here and I would not believe it, I thought I would be different, but you can't move on till you never, ever, ever see him or her again.

 

So don't feel like something is wrong because you feel numb or empty. It's totally normal and actually healthy, you are rebuilding yourself. Think of it as your cocoon.

 

Since you date women, I would say you are doing the right thing by waiting. Men are kind of clueless, you can just date them and they don't dive deep, but women pick up on things in a second and you will have endless convos about what are you feeling and why, it would be exhausting. Better to wait till you are feeling better.

 

Any chance you will move if you get a new job?

[BTDT2012]

Breaking Wave, when you get down, listen to Stand by Donnie McClurkin.

[CantTakeMySmile]

Hi all,

 

Taking advice and continuing to check in despite not being able to share "happy" news about how far I've come. The last few days should have been really happy ones for me - I was sworn in to the state bar, I have a few job prospects coming together for next year, and am ready to leave my current job whenever I can officially line something up. All of it feels pretty meaningless, though.

 

The holiday cards are coming in - all those happy, smiling couples and families. Yes, I know there's a lot behind the photos, and I know that no one's life is perfect. I accept that. It's still difficult to come home to an empty and lonely place every day.

 

I don't look forward to anything. I don't want to live the rest of my life alone, and yet the very idea of trying to date or make the effort to bring someone new into my life is completely unappealing to me. I don't feel like I really know myself anymore. I've always been a very goal-oriented, driven person (aside from occasional episodes of loneliness/depression that never got this deep and never lasted this long...) and now I just feel like I'm floating and don't care about anything.

 

Anyway. No real point to this so much as to say it's a dark hour of the soul over here and I'm struggling to make it. I know there are likely other people struggling during the holidays and I wish you strength during these days, too.

 

 

 

THIs, right here.... this is how I feel as well, breaking wave.

 

 

No interest in anything. I wait for the weekends, just to wait for the work week again. I wait for quitting time just to turn around to wait to come back to work. Feel likes I spend all this time waiting on something.. on nothing... when part of me feels like I am waiting on her....

 

 

And I "count".. which is the most annoying part of it all.. I count everything when I get like this. I count the seconds until I go home. I count the seconds since we have spoken. I count the stop lights. I count the number of times they say a word in a song. It is quite annoying though I guess it sounds really petty. The deal is I can't seem to stop myself. I didn't count when I was with her.

 

 

I am sorry you are hurting like you are. I know it really sucks. And I would love to give you some great advice. But... even though I know the things to "do"... it still just hurts....

 

 

Do you still see her or have you heard from her?

[PhillyLibertyBelle]

Hey Breaking Wave

 

How are you doing? Check in and let us know.

 

Maybe listen to “best thing I never had” by Beyoncé...

 

Can you get a massage? Buy a trashy novel? A lovely scented candle? Do something for you.

 

You can PM me if you want.

Chin up lady.

[BreakingWave]

It really is comforting to know I am not alone. Thank you.

 

Yes, we are still in contact. She has maintained strict boundaries and there’s been nothing romantic since June. We’ve had a few long conversations about our feelings but not since October.

 

She seems okay transitioning back to just being friends while she goes back to her life. That’s heartbreaking. The periods of NC have lasted a couple of weeks at a time and leave me wanting to jump off a building, so I don’t know what’s worse.

 

I know everyone who’s gotten better has gone completely NC. I’m not dismissing that advice - I just don’t know if I am strong enough. I’m close with her family; I have spent vacations and holidays with them, and losing them would be so difficult for me. Losing *her* scares me even if I have a hard time articulating just what it is I’m hanging on to.

 

I have an appointment with a psychologist in early January. My church is going to contribute a few hundred dollars and I will pay a bit of the fee as a sort of copay. It was a great offer they made and I want to take advantage of it. I don’t actually want to die but this depression is so dark and constant.

 

Oddly the only thing that’s had me feeling better is that her son is having some legal issues, and now I’ve been able to help him. He adores me and we’ve grown closer as a result. She really appreciates what I’ve been able to do for him. Invited me to her family’s Christmas Eve dinner, etc. I’ll be with my parents and I told her it would be really difficult for me to start doing family events with her again. She didn’t really respond to that.

 

I feel like I’m so broken and damaged from this that I might never really bounce back to the optimistic, happy person I was before.

[BreakingWave]

Midnight - yes, if I get a new job I may well need to move. That doesn’t excite me though. I like where I live even with the memories of us.

[Bluebelle38]

This thread makes me sad.

 

I will be blunt, l don't think the MW ever saw long term here. She has the good life, is not even sure she could ever admit she cares for a woman.

 

It sounds like she used you and gave you enough crumbs of affection to keep you hanging on.

 

The fact you have not had a healthy, great relationship is why you settled for this and have had her on such a pedestal.

 

It is clear as day you have to go no contact. Your affair is no more special than anyone else's. If it was, you'd have moved forward together. I'm so sorry you are hurting, a d yes, I've been there although not with a married man and it is truly horrendous.

 

But you have to take control here. The longer you hold onto this ill-fated fantasy, the longer you live a half life.

 

You need to set yourself free.

[Birdies]

Please ask the doctor (I hope it's a doctor?!) to prescribe you anti-depressants at your appointment in January. The dark, deep depression that you describe is dangerous and painful. Many, many people who go through traumatic events use anti-depressants to help lift them out of that dark time. You should definitely do this.

 

No contact isn't supposed to feel good. It's supposed to get you away from the person who is the association with all the pain, until you get to a place of indifference. If you never get away from her, you'll never get to that point.

 

Hugs to you Breaking Wave. I hope you have some good family time over the holidays.

[BreakingWave]

I've been on anti-depressants for about six weeks (my regular MD prescribed them.) Some days are better than others. I've built up routines, tried to get back into the things I used to really enjoy, etc. But it's still just existing, not really living.

 

I accept that she's made her decision and it isn't changing. I accept that NC is the smart thing to do - even if it means giving up essentially my entire social network.

 

I just have no idea who I'm supposed to be after that. I tried the whole motivational speeches all day long, sometimes I even convinced myself I had the energy and desire to start all over. But the truth is I don't. I don't really have the desire to wait out the depression for a year or two or three and then try to rebuild from the ground up. I admire those of you who have done that. I'm just... tired.

 

I'll be spending Christmas with my parents. Holidays are rough but I will try to focus on the positive aspects of my life. I have good friends, even if I'm about to lose a lot of them for reasons they'll never understand.

[BreakingWave]

Wanted to wish everyone good enough to check my thread the happiest possible holidays. I know I'm not alone in feeling really low during this supposedly happy season.

 

Ironically, called the suicide helpline yesterday. Was on hold 22 minutes and hung up. Have called twice before - once I hung up after about 8 or 9 minutes on hold and once I did get through to someone fairly quickly but it wasn't super helpful. I think those numbers exist for people who feel they have absolutely no one else to listen to them, so I'm not knocking them entirely. I'm sure they help a lot of people. Am wondering if anyone else had a similar/different experience when calling?

 

It's been a long year. I've tried a lot of different things - including, at one point, no contact. It only lasted about three and a half weeks. I realize most here would agree that isn't enough time to see real results, but it certainly was the darkest period of so-called "recovery" for me. But certainly, over the last six months I've had much less contact with xMW than in the last three years. I don't think about her any less; I don't hurt any less.

 

Part of me still wants to have hope; to believe all those motivational speeches and videos and books are right and that it'll hurt less one day. But I feel like a bigger, more honest part of me knows that this is it - and I'm only really at peace when I remember that there's an option of simply not fighting against the depression and the hurt any more. All that's keeping me here now is realizing the pain it would cause my parents and close friends if I were to go through with it. And so far, that's been reason enough. I know I'm supposed to look deep inside and find the motivation to live because I want to, but... when I look inside all I see is more pain. I'm trying hard not to look inside right now. I know when I start IC in a couple of weeks I'm going to have to do a lot of looking in, and that probably won't be pleasant, but we'll see if it's useful.

 

I'm trying to figure out my goals for the few weeks of IC I will be able to afford. I feel like I already understand my reasons for getting into the A and the reasons I'm having such a hard time letting go. So... "I want to stop fantasizing about killing myself" seems like a silly goal but I guess that's where I am. Only I'm not even sure about that - like I actually feel *better* when I consider that possibility. Ugh.

 

Merry, sane Christmas to all of you!

[lookingforclosure]

I feel your pain Breakingwave..I too am alone this Christmas and am trying my best to keep myself sane

 

Feel free to PM me anytime...i'm homebound until Thursday when i'm c]back to my so called normal life and am checking this site regularly to hopefully get through

[Poppy47]

Hello Breaking Wave and Season's Greetings to you.

 

I am alone on this Christmas Day as well. My family have all flown out to Europe for a month.

 

It will be a lonely day, but I am missing my own family.

 

I no long miss xMM or being in an A. You will feel the same in time, but it does take time for your mind to readjust and for feelings to subside.

 

YOu are a remarkable young woman and there is such a lot you can have in your future.

 

BEst Wishes,

Poppy.

[Vivir]

It's your story, Breaking Wave, and right now it's not happy or glamorous. But it's yours. And I hope you won't give up on you.

 

Hugs to you and wishes of a Merry Christmas.

[jenkins95]

Men are kind of clueless

 

Love you too midnight

 

Have a lovely holiday - and the same to Breaking Wave. Things WILL get better, even though it's almost impossible to believe right now. Like midnight, I'm over two years out and I am feeling much better...... but it took a loooong time to notice even the smallest improvement. You just need to rely on patience... And faith that your own biology will eventually work for you - rewiring your neural associations and restoring your hormone balance. Those biological tricks that keep us so trapped and make us so miserable - they don't last forever. Just stay the course. We are there with you. I know it's exhausting... and tempting to give up. But please don't. You are a priceless, unique person and the world needs you. Dig deep and you WILL get there. I speak from the experience not only of my affair, which caused devastation to many people, but also of suffering from depression for nearly a decade long before the affair. Even when things seem impossible and irreversible, they can be changed. The human brain has an amazing capacity to change - if we know how to encourage it to do so, and that is a huge skill in itself.

 

Horrible that you were kept waiting in a queue on a help line. Just shows its true what they say about depression and loneliness peaking at holiday time. I hope you're now feeling at least a little better than you were that day?

 

Thinking of you BW.

 

... and I do agree with the above quote, by the way

Edited December 26, 2017 by jenkins95

[BreakingWave]

I was invited to spend tonight with her family - to join them for a fancy dinner at a nice restaurant and go back to one of their homes to drink, sing, and spend the night. Even told me I could bring the dog to make it easy to say yes. Part of me really wanted to go - xMW is a close friend, of course, and I've become friends with her kids who are adults, etc.

 

But I said no, and I admitted that I found it impossible to put her back in the "just a friend" box like she'd asked me to. She said she understood.

 

So I'll be at home with the dog tonight, and that doesn't feel great. At the same time I feel like it was the right choice and I'm proud of myself for making it. The hard thing will be continuing to not talk to or see her until I feel better, because I know it'll be months. I feel she'll move on in that time until the memory of how much we meant to each other is gone. But if that's what happens, then I suppose it truly was meant to come to this end.

 

Just felt like expressing myself here. Cheers to anyone else spending their NYE in a way they hadn't seen coming!

[Dreamwalker17]

I was invited to spend tonight with her family - to join them for a fancy dinner at a nice restaurant and go back to one of their homes to drink, sing, and spend the night. Even told me I could bring the dog to make it easy to say yes. Part of me really wanted to go - xMW is a close friend, of course, and I've become friends with her kids who are adults, etc.

 

But I said no, and I admitted that I found it impossible to put her back in the "just a friend" box like she'd asked me to. She said she understood.

 

So I'll be at home with the dog tonight, and that doesn't feel great. At the same time I feel like it was the right choice and I'm proud of myself for making it. The hard thing will be continuing to not talk to or see her until I feel better, because I know it'll be months. I feel she'll move on in that time until the memory of how much we meant to each other is gone. But if that's what happens, then I suppose it truly was meant to come to this end.

 

Just felt like expressing myself here. Cheers to anyone else spending their NYE in a way they hadn't seen coming!

 

Sorry you feel down, but why staying home with a dog doesn't feel great? It should!

Get yourself something nice to eat, wear something nice if you're into dressing up, pour glass of wine if you drink, celebrate the ending of the 2017 where you've suffered so much. Look forward to a New Year, new beginning, your freedom - your happy life awaits.

 

You don't need her invites, her nice houses, hang outs, being friends and all other BS. She is who she is and who cares what she does - you chose you, you've made a right and dignified choice and yes, you should be proud.

 

You are strong and don't need her to throw you bones of friendship after she broke your heart.

Cheers and Happy 2018!

[BreakingWave]

Dreamwalker,

 

You're right - I have WONDERFUL dog and chilling out with her does feel pretty good!

 

BW

[Vivir]

BreakingWave!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

You did it! You stood up for YOU!

You made a decision in YOUR best interests.

I am so proud!!

Are you proud????

Did you feel your self-confidence grow any time after that conversation?

I bet you did!

 

(Get ready, the very happy bunny is coming along....)

 

 

(I really love this little, happy bunny... it makes my day every time I see it. I'm so proud of you!)

Edited January 1, 2018 by Vivir

[Poppy47]

that is exactly how I spent NYE with my two best doggie girls. I could not ask for better companions.

 

They allow me to eat when I like and drink as much as I want. They are happy to go to sleep when I do.

 

We had a great NYE and so did you. Congratulations.

 

Poppy.