Clarity is so hard to find...

[BigBlueSky]

Hi, BBS. Thanks for the check-in. I'm... up and down, honestly.

 

I have times when I am so angry I almost don't know what to do with it - today, on my morning jog, I actually started talking to her in my head and ended up angry-crying as I thought of all the *true* but harsh things I wanted, at the moment, to say to her. Then I remembered that I love her and my angry tears became sad ones. Then they became angry again, and I must have looked like such a mess to people driving by, but hey. It did put a little pep in my step, so that's good, right?

 

Then I have times when I am just so incredibly sad. Like, the world becomes so small and dark and I feel hopeless again. She's helping me out though, posting pictures of her idyllic life and making me remember the way I've felt throughout most of our "relationship."

 

She did text yesterday morning and ask if I would like to get together tomorrow. She acknowledged that we need to talk. I am... feeling basically every feeling under the sun. I'm anxious, mostly, because I don't know what the day is going to bring. I do know I'm going to say what I need to, which is essentially that I love her, she knows that, but my standard for remaining in this affair has always been that she has to stop it with the icing me out. She will have a dozen excuses. Most of them are perfectly legit for being too busy to see me - but none of them are legit for simply not talking to me for days on end.

 

I'm aware that tomorrow might be the real end. She may be planning to break up with me for a second time. I may have to tell her it's over if she can't stop with the hot and cold nonsense. Or... we might actually get somewhere and figure out a way forward. I don't know. I am resolved, though, not to spend another day waiting on someone who can't take ten minutes a day to make me feel valued.

 

I'm also really worried about my Bar Exam, which is in 22 days. I *have* to get my **** together and stop obsessing about her.

 

Hi BW, thanks for the update. I'm glad to see that you have resolve in demanding something better for yourself. I'll be thinking of you today and hope that your conversation goes well and that she can be upfront and honest with you. I know it must be hard to know that it might be the end. We will be here for you, whatever happens!

 

Good luck studying for your exam! It's probably so hard to focus with all that's been going on. I think what's been helpful for me is in having set times to think and be sad. I guess it's different because I really don't have too much time when I am alone, but when I am I'll allow 5 minutes or something like that. Sometimes I have tears to cry, but more often than not now I don't. I don't know if that would be helpful to you, but you could try it. It's trying to take control of your thoughts, pushing them away until your set time during the day.

 

Thinking of you today. Let me know how your conversation goes.

[BTDT2012]

Good luck with the bar exam. Take good care of yourself.

[Birdies]

Just remember that she has NO incentive to treat you fairly or to be honest with you. She wants to have her cake (life, husband, family, money, vacations) and eat it too (loving doting mistress providing ego boosts and hot sex). So it will be very easy for her to agree to your "terms" and then not really follow through. I worry that you are approaching this conversation by giving her all the power and that things won't change until YOU make a change.

 

I don't mean to just repeat myself. I'm sorry you're hurting. I know how hard it can be. Good luck on prepping for the bar, and please take care of yourself <3

[BreakingWave]

Thank you all for the support and good wishes.

 

At this stage I am aware you have all been right all along and I was foolish to ever believe otherwise. My emotions are all over the place but mostly between sorrow and anger. My concentration is shot and I'm crying most of the day. I don't know how in the hell I am going to pull it together for the exam in three weeks, but worse still, I almost don't care anymore.

 

 

My life feels pointless, directionless... and right now I just want to close my eyes and never open them again.

Edited July 5, 2017 by BreakingWave

[freengreen]

Thank you all for the support and good wishes.

 

At this stage I am aware you have all been right all along and I was foolish to ever believe otherwise. My emotions are all over the place but mostly between sorrow and anger. My concentration is shot and I'm crying most of the day. I don't know how in the hell I am going to pull it together for the exam in three weeks, but worse still, I almost don't care anymore.

 

 

My life feels pointless, directionless... and right now I just want to close my eyes and never open them again.

... oh Wave, hugs to you.

 

You seem to be a very mushy at heart. I can hear you struggle. One day at a time darl, do small things which will divert you, a funny movie or an icecream scoop..or just go to a lake to sit on a bench and stare...

 

The exam timing has been terrible, prepare when you can or how much ever you can.. dont stress, just keep trying to focus. Hope you feel better exponentially and surely... These affairs snatch a little part of us, something that we wont get back; but that dosnt mean we wont thrive again... its lessons and everyone got few in their account, hugs again (())

[BigBlueSky]

Thank you all for the support and good wishes.

 

At this stage I am aware you have all been right all along and I was foolish to ever believe otherwise. My emotions are all over the place but mostly between sorrow and anger. My concentration is shot and I'm crying most of the day. I don't know how in the hell I am going to pull it together for the exam in three weeks, but worse still, I almost don't care anymore.

 

 

My life feels pointless, directionless... and right now I just want to close my eyes and never open them again.

 

(((BW)))

I'm so sorry that you are hurting. I agree with fg, just take it one day at a time and be kind to yourself. It's good to let it out and cry. We are here for you.

 

Can you take break for a day or two from studying, just to give yourself permission to take care of you? Do something you enjoy to pamper yourself. Go out with a trusted friend. Connect with what speaks to your soul.

 

This isn't all in vain. You will learn from this and grow. Big hugs to you!

[BreakingWave]

The problem is right now nothing really makes me feel better. I jog, but end up crying for half the run or needing to leave the gym floor because tears will sneak up on me at the most unexpected moments. I still think it's worth it - it forces me to take care of my body, etc. I can't pay attention to television shows or movies. I get up and start pacing after about ten minutes, unable to follow or get invested in the plot line. I don't listen to music because the love songs make me sick, the sad songs make me even more depressed, the happy songs make me want to punch people in the face (where do they get off being happy, huh?) It's... ridiculous, I know it's ridiculous, but there it is. I've lost my appetite, my joints ache constantly, my eyes are swollen from all the damn crying. I can barely concentrate and try to make sense of what I'm learning for the exam.

 

Meanwhile I'm pretending to be just fine for most of the people I know. I'm lucky to have connected with great people here. I've said it before and will say it again - this place is a godsend for those of us who don't have people in our real lives to turn to with this. The LS community has been a life raft for me.

 

Right now I'm in a bit of denial that she would do this. That my "best friend" would hurt me over and over again, that she'd ice me out emotionally right now of all times. She and H are apparently looking at houses on the lake so they can enjoy their new boat more often.

 

My entire life is falling apart around me and she's going to live happily ever after. Figures. God help me but right now I just want to watch her life fall apart, too. I know I won't mean it for long, I know eventually I'll be a big person. I won't do/say anything I'll regret later. But right now? Yeah. I think she deserves to pay a big price for this.

 

I'm also torn because I really love the woman. I wouldn't have gone through all of this with her if I hadn't loved her; it wouldn't hurt so much now if I didn't still love her.

Edited July 5, 2017 by BreakingWave

[BigBlueSky]

The problem is right now nothing really makes me feel better. I jog, but end up crying for half the run or needing to leave the gym floor because tears will sneak up on me at the most unexpected moments. I still think it's worth it - it forces me to take care of my body, etc. I can't pay attention to television shows or movies. I get up and start pacing after about ten minutes, unable to follow or get invested in the plot line. I don't listen to music because the love songs make me sick, the sad songs make me even more depressed, the happy songs make me want to punch people in the face (where do they get off being happy, huh?) It's... ridiculous, I know it's ridiculous, but there it is. I've lost my appetite, my joints ache constantly, my eyes are swollen from all the damn crying. I can barely concentrate and try to make sense of what I'm learning for the exam.

 

Meanwhile I'm pretending to be just fine for most of the people I know. I'm lucky to have connected with great people here. I've said it before and will say it again - this place is a godsend for those of us who don't have people in our real lives to turn to with this. The LS community has been a life raft for me.

 

Right now I'm in a bit of denial that she would do this. That my "best friend" would hurt me over and over again, that she'd ice me out emotionally right now of all times. She and H are apparently looking at houses on the lake so they can enjoy their new boat more often.

 

My entire life is falling apart around me and she's going to live happily ever after. Figures. God help me but right now I just want to watch her life fall apart, too. I know I won't mean it for long, I know eventually I'll be a big person. I won't do/say anything I'll regret later. But right now? Yeah. I think she deserves to pay a big price for this.

 

I'm also torn because I really love the woman. I wouldn't have gone through all of this with her if I hadn't loved her; it wouldn't hurt so much now if I didn't still love her.

 

What you are feeling is completely normal. Crying, sadness, anger, lack of concentration.... All of that is normal. You should have seen me when mine ended. My kids were having year end farewells at their school and I could barely hold it together. Like you, I had to pretend everything was ok when it wasn't. But now that you know her intentions, you don't have to live in limbo. Waiting for her calls and texts, not knowing what she is thinking or when you would see her next, the uncertainty of it all, those are things you don't have to deal with anymore.

 

I think it's great that you are going to the gym and still getting out there. Keep talking, keep venting and working out your sadness and frustrations on here.

[BreakingWave]

Thanks, BBS. The worst part is that I still don't know them. She's never given me a clear answer. Just keeps saying she's "torn" and all that. Like I've really asked so much of her. She doesn't have the courage to just tell me it's over - she's going to let me figure it out on my own. Well, I finally have.

[BreakingWave]

By the way I'm not still asking - I'm not contacting her right now. I'm just absorbing the reality of how little I mean to her.

 

The worst part is how foolish I feel for every thinking it would be different. For believing I could compete with the vacations, the house, the boat, the shoes, the art... for believing anything I had to offer was anything stacked next to all her STUFF and the social acceptance, the history, the family.

 

This has triggered feelings of worthlessness and inadequacy that have plagued me since I was a child. I can't see a way out.

Edited July 6, 2017 by BreakingWave

[freengreen]

What you are feeling is completely normal. Crying, sadness, anger, lack of concentration.... All of that is normal. You should have seen me when mine ended. My kids were having year end farewells at their school and I could barely hold it together. Like you, I had to pretend everything was ok when it wasn't. But now that you know her intentions, you don't have to live in limbo. Waiting for her calls and texts, not knowing what she is thinking or when you would see her next, the uncertainty of it all, those are things you don't have to deal with anymore.

 

I think it's great that you are going to the gym and still getting out there. Keep talking, keep venting and working out your sadness and frustrations on here.

THIS ^

 

I cant explain how it stressed me..

apart from the usual uncertainity; he used to 'hint' of expensive things he wanted for his birthday and I used to be in such stress to make it happen. All that stress is gone.. poof!.

 

It still hurts a bit and I have to remind my heart how strssed I was when I was in the A.

 

Also that feeling when you contemplate if someone actually likes you or the benifits you give is a horrible one. I never really cared about my looks; I am not super duper attractive par se fall in the 'average classy look' but people usually get to know me from little qualities I got. The affair made me contemplate all this good feeling I had about myself, sometimes I felt I was just a vending machine for the things he wanted.. gross feeling.

 

It is taking a lot of strength to build the whole person I was. But I am adamant to make it.

 

Breaking wave, some people only take and take and take... and they leave taking. You are much much more than this episode, you are precious, remember that.

 

Takecare

Edited July 6, 2017 by freengreen

[Vivir]

I feel for you, Breaking Wave, I really do. I wish I could snap my fingers and make the hurt go away for you, for me, for all of us. This is a loss – a loss of romance and the possibilities of a romantic future… and a possible loss of friendship.

 

You are allowed to grieve. Hope dies a hard death. It isn’t easy, and it isn’t supposed to be.

 

Now, you feel weak, but you are pushing yourself despite this feeling of weakness. This is actually a sign of strength. But… You will have to fight your long held beliefs and negative self-talk for your worth. You will have to fight yourself for YOU, for what you deserve, for what you want and need. It is going to be hard, especially considering all of the years which you have stacked against you going in the other direction. I’m right there with you, sister.

 

I just admitted to myself this week that I learned to accept less than, made do with crumbs, and hid my true wants and needs while trying to gain backdoor entry to a romantic relationship all the way back in the SIXTH grade. Gosh, that was [insert large number] years ago! When did you learn to accept less than your worth? Where did you learn that it was OK for you to “make do” with very little while everyone else feasted off your efforts? This affair is a major catalyst for you to turn this around. You have the rest of your life to give you a second chance at real happiness, starting right this minute.

 

It won’t be easy, and I declare you are in the throes of the carnage now, as others have mentioned previously. It will down-right suck. On the 31st day of full-on NC, I was very sad, and I did not lie about how I was feeling – not to myself nor to a close friend. She asked me what I was going to do to move forward. I told her that I was "gonna just stay here [in my pain] for a while" and that is what I did.

 

The metaphor I used was one of imagining myself swirling in toilet water, like feces. Then someone flushed the toilet. I was utterly helpless while going down the pipes. I ended up in the sewer, floating and then drowning in muddy rubbish. I was just so tired, so angry, [still] so bitter. I had spent all of my efforts, my time and energy, my adoration. I had given much, I had told much. And I had been given very little of substance – if anything, in return. And I suppose that is as it should have been, because the one I lavished my everything on had someone else who laid claim to his everything, and he had obliged himself to appease her when he married her and promised that he would do just that. But that objectivity didn’t stop my vacillation between extreme anger (including violent imagery) and extreme sadness (including suicidal ideation). During these months, I have felt very little joy. But I digress.

 

Breaking Wave, you will have to fight for YOU. You may have to fight every second or every minute. Or every hour. Until this bad time passes.

 

It has helped me to see myself as a third party (i.e., talk/think about myself as a dependent or treat myself as a significant other), given that I put others ahead of myself. It has helped me to focus my attentions elsewhere (I tutor my young cousin) and to be busy when he was available. I am most triggered when my job is difficult. During those times, I just let myself break down in private. The break down doesn’t usually last too long, and I can pull myself out of it. And, without fail, focusing on something else – even when I hadn’t meant to focus on something else – helps tremendously.

 

My first suggestion to you is to consider rescheduling for the Bar exam. Real talk: if you need to study and cannot concentrate on the exam, which is in three weeks, you will need to take your time and try to study on your terms and take it later. Doesn’t it cost *hundreds* of dollars to sit for this exam?? Do yourself a favor. Don’t waste your money. Give yourself some time (this would be self-compassion, even).

 

We’re all rooting for you and sending you our hugs and well-wishes. You are not alone.

Edited July 6, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
formatting

[Vivir]

P.S. Breaking Wave, you said, "She's never given me a clear answer."

 

She has.

 

Inaction is itself an action.

 

Read [] for your new twice daily meditation.

Edited July 6, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
redacted spam ~6

[BreakingWave]

Thanks, y'all.

 

Re the Bar exam - I wish postponing it were that simple. Between the mandatory background check and associated costs such as fingerprinting and letters of verification, study materials, application fee, and laptop fee, I am in for over $3,000. Basically my entire savings and then some that I had to charge. The sting of it is, I signed up mostly at her urging. I am choosing to look at it as an investment in my future even if that future does not include her. But the truth is I had planned to put off taking it for a few years until I was in a better position and didn't have to use a credit card to help finance it. I hurried, thinking that if I could improve my income we could begin seriously talking about getting a place together, something we'd only mentioned in fleeting before. I read too much into her being a cheerleader for me to take it. I now recognize that was me believing what I wanted to believe instead of paying attention to what she was *not* saying directly.

 

The fees are non-refundable, but the good news is the background check is good for five years and the study materials will be just as helpful if I take it in February (which is the next time it is offered.) It would be more difficult then as that's the middle of the school year (I work as a teacher now) as opposed to the summer. My plan is to take it in a few weeks, hoping I can somehow squeak through, and if the news isn't good then I'll pay another $450 application fee and take it again in February.

 

I'm *trying* to view it as a blessing as it does give me something I must focus on all day. However, as you're all too well aware, sometimes the mind can be very uncooperative when we're going through this.

[BreakingWave]

I'm falling apart. I can't do this.

[What_Did_I_Do]

The problem is right now nothing really makes me feel better. I jog, but end up crying for half the run or needing to leave the gym floor because tears will sneak up on me at the most unexpected moments. I still think it's worth it - it forces me to take care of my body, etc. I can't pay attention to television shows or movies. I get up and start pacing after about ten minutes, unable to follow or get invested in the plot line. I don't listen to music because the love songs make me sick, the sad songs make me even more depressed, the happy songs make me want to punch people in the face (where do they get off being happy, huh?) It's... ridiculous, I know it's ridiculous, but there it is. I've lost my appetite, my joints ache constantly, my eyes are swollen from all the damn crying. I can barely concentrate and try to make sense of what I'm learning for the exam.

 

Meanwhile I'm pretending to be just fine for most of the people I know. I'm lucky to have connected with great people here. I've said it before and will say it again - this place is a godsend for those of us who don't have people in our real lives to turn to with this. The LS community has been a life raft for me.

 

Right now I'm in a bit of denial that she would do this. That my "best friend" would hurt me over and over again, that she'd ice me out emotionally right now of all times. She and H are apparently looking at houses on the lake so they can enjoy their new boat more often.

 

My entire life is falling apart around me and she's going to live happily ever after. Figures. God help me but right now I just want to watch her life fall apart, too. I know I won't mean it for long, I know eventually I'll be a big person. I won't do/say anything I'll regret later. But right now? Yeah. I think she deserves to pay a big price for this.

 

I'm also torn because I really love the woman. I wouldn't have gone through all of this with her if I hadn't loved her; it wouldn't hurt so much now if I didn't still love her.

 

Ditto for me. Can't concentrate, sleep, eat, laugh, work is suffering. It's taking everything I have to survive. Just want to go to sleep and not wake up.

 

BW - I'm here. We HAVE to do this girl. Hit rock bottom then find our way out. I got AD's today. Pray they work.

[BreakingWave]

WDID - I'm glad you're getting help. I hope the anti-depressants help to kick start you to a better day.

 

I feel myself spiraling and coming apart at the seams. I got next to zero studying done today, can't concentrate, and feel my sanity slipping away. Meanwhile she is living the high life with someone else and doesn't give a damn.

[BreakingWave]

Had a chat with a suicide crisis chat counselor tonight. I can't say I feel any better but it did help me feel less alone for an hour. If anyone else has thought about using the resource, I recommend it for that if nothing else.

[What_Did_I_Do]

I was thinking about your situation and mine this morning. How the xAP's skip off to the lake with their MP's (so they should I guess). All we were was a nice distraction from their everyday lives. Was never meant to be anything more than that for them. Then when the cards were down, they slowly backed away from the table and hoped to slip away unnoticed. But that happens in non-affair relationships too. One partner is too cowardly to say they want out and then starts blame shifting or acting out expecting the other to do the dirty work and end the R.

 

I'm trying to look at this as we got dumped, same as in a monogamous R. Promises are made in these R's too and not followed through.

[BigBlueSky]

Had a chat with a suicide crisis chat counselor tonight. I can't say I feel any better but it did help me feel less alone for an hour. If anyone else has thought about using the resource, I recommend it for that if nothing else.

 

Glad that resource is available to you and you were able to talk to someone. Did they have any suggestions for resources that might be helpful to you in your area?

 

How are you feeling today?

 

Affairs mess us up big time. I'll be messed up for a good while. You're not alone.

[BreakingWave]

Today is... okay. I'm able to read and retain information, which is a step forward. The Bar is in 18 days so I'm just trying to pull it together to get through that. My mind still wanders to her constantly and I'm trying to let my rational side win through - "stop thinking about someone who IS NOT thinking about you. Stop caring about someone who DOES NOT care for you. Stop risking your future for someone who won't risk being inconvenienced for you."

 

It's working so far. But it's also only 10:30 a.m. Thank you for checking in, BBS. I'm sorry you're still struggling but I know our struggles have, in many ways, just begun.

 

As far as resources, honestly no. She gave me some links to things you can do when your mind wanders (I mentioned obsessively thinking about my ex-romantic partner and thoughts of suicide - I don't plan to carry them out at all, so I don't want to worry anyone here, but I can't stop periodically having these visions of driving my car into a wall, shooting myself in the head, etc. They come out of nowhere and they're so disturbing.) It was odd because half the links she said told me to distract, distract, distract, and suggested everything from "centering" techniques and mindless video games to do that, while other pages insisted distraction was a bad idea and you have to let yourself grieve and really feel the emotions as part of the process.

 

In my case, I don't have time to do either the former or the latter, so I'm coping by studying and checking this page periodically for the reminder that I'm not the only one going through this nightmare. There truly is comfort in not being alone, though I hate it for y'all just as much as I hate it for myself.

[BTDT2012]

BreakingWave, wishing you much success with your studying. You can do this.

[OneLov]

BreakingWave,

 

I recommend immersing yourself in your Bar prep materials and try as best to forget everything else. The hardest part about the Bar exam is the not the material, but the immense amount of focus you need. Do whatever you can to box everything out. I guarantee you that you will pass if you keep your focus on studying. Plug away and push everything else out. Good luck, you will do fine!

[BreakingWave]

The first part of the day was fine. I was able to get a lot of preparing done.

 

She messaged me with a "Hi, studying?" Well. When you care enough to say the very least, right? I said "Doing my best." She responded with, "Okay. Just checking on you. Don't want to interrupt."

 

 

I swear - she emotionally withdraws only to dump me with less than three weeks before the Bar exam, and now this? Does it really make her feel like a good friend or less of a ****ty person that she pretends to care how my day is going?

 

 

Tonight she and H had dinner at a restaurant less than a mile from my place. More than 30 minutes from theirs. Of course she has to post their happy effing faces all over FB.

 

 

I removed all social media from my phone. I don't need or want to see that crap. I am consumed by the urge to make her hurt, and then disgusted because I still want to protect her despite how callous she is to me. It isn't fair for her to do this and pay absolutely no price while I'm feeling like this at this stage of exam prep. Or after she dumped me in March and I took her back, believing she must be sure this time.

 

 

I accept my responsibility for this. But I really am starting to hate her, too.

[ClassyTaste]

BreakingWaves, block her from your life. Put everything into your exam. Passing your bar exam is important. The fact she intentionally texts you knowing you are studying and then goes on to she did not intend to interrupt your studies is totally bull. She is toxic.

 

I have no idea what your personality and looks are, but once you become a lawyer, you are going to have many successful and beautiful women to choose from. I have a feeling this toxic woman will be the one to sabotage these relationships stemming from jealousy with the added bonus of a manipulative entitled personality.