seattlemystery Posted August 1, 2005 Share Posted August 1, 2005 Long time listener, first time caller. Well here I am. I'm trying to figure out the best possible relationship advice and see if anyone has had similiar issues. I've been dating the same girl for 10-12 months and she recently told me that she wanted to stop being sexual and to return to being good friends. She confessed that the primary reason she was having difficulty is that she has a fear of successful or strong relationships. The problem is - she realized that she still had feelings for her X and is now wanting to date him again while trying to keep a very intimate relationship with me, minus being sexual (but with highly sexual tension). In every way except physical- I still maintain a higher level of intimacy than he does. She talks to me freely about anything and she is unwilling to tell her X that she has deep feelings for two different people. She is in college and I recommended that she either choose one, or dated neither or both of us, that it wasn't okay to hide either one of us from the other. I told her that there was nothing wrong with dating more than one person, but to hide things was wrong. She confesses to be in love with me still, but that she doesn't want to hurt the other guy because he's incredibly jealous/insecure and because she has had feelings for him for a long time too. I don't know whether I should stand my ground and wait for him to drop the ball, if I should encourage the level of intimacy to continue to build between us, or if I should walk away so that the other guy has an actual chance. Suggestions? Link to post Share on other sites
A Fly onThe Wall Posted August 1, 2005 Share Posted August 1, 2005 Originally posted by seattlemystery She confessed that the primary reason she was having difficulty is that she has a fear of successful or strong relationships. The problem is - she realized that she still had feelings for her X and is now wanting to date him again while trying to keep a very intimate relationship with me, minus being sexual (but with highly sexual tension). In every way except physical- I still maintain a higher level of intimacy than he does. She talks to me freely about anything and she is unwilling to tell her X that she has deep feelings for two different people. It's not her fear of relationships....That is the line she pulled to excuse her behavior A year is a fairly long time so I won't think that you aren't attached to her . Start NC immediately .. Why would you want to waste your time and wait around to be her second choice ? Save your self respect. At this point you still have it.. The guy isn't gonna drop the ball.. She won't let him NC NC NC and more NC Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted August 1, 2005 Share Posted August 1, 2005 Well, you had your chance at the type of relationship you want with her, so to speak and she wasted it by being so "afraid" that she hooked up with some other guy and has bumped you down in the priority list to the "other man." Not only that, but she is going to great lengths to make sure that this other guy isn't going anywhere - she doesn't want to jeopardize what she has with him. If that is the type of relationship you want with her, then you can continue but I think she already peaked with you and at most you'll find that you may waver somewhat below that peak with her, without ever really reaching it again. It may be better to let her know that you understand she has a lot going on right now, but that you have more to offer than she's looking for, and therefore you need to take some time off away from her to get your head and heart straight. Link to post Share on other sites
d'Arthez Posted August 1, 2005 Share Posted August 1, 2005 Let her choose: either you or him. If she is hiding things, from either one of you, how can either of you trust her? And even if she were open, it is hard to deal with. And if she is stopping with you, it does not mean that she is not sexual with her ex. It even becomes harder to deal with when she becomes sexual active with the other guy. Considering the fact that she wants to hide as much as possible from the two of you, doubts are bound to rise. If she is not over her ex, let her pursue her ex if she wants to. But that does not mean, that you have to tie yourself down, and let yourself be punched in the face and gut. Which is what you would be doing, if you just return to friends for convenience sake. It is almost like saying: "Hey I am going to get an escort girl tonight. So for tonight we are friends, and after that we are in a relationship again!" Force the decision. If it is not in your favor, forget about the girl permanently. You don't want to be in a relationship with someone who has ever considered you second-best. In all likelihood, thoughts, doubts, jealousy would consume you. After all, she pulled the stunt on you once. Why not again, or more discreet (hiding an affair from you)? Not forcing, by making a big statement, but by going away from her. Let her choose freely. Link to post Share on other sites
upsetnhurt Posted August 2, 2005 Share Posted August 2, 2005 I believe the only person you should be thinking about concerning this situation should be YOURSELF. The damage has been done here and she has ultimately showed you that you are not and currently will not be her main priority and be given the respect you deserve. Why would she change if you are giving her all of the benefits of a relationship without her having to show some commitment to you? Ever hear the saying, why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? The problem here is that your heart will eventually get trampled on as you will continue to invest your feelings in her without her doing the same. Stop now and alert her that you can not play the role of second fiddle. Take some time away from her and let her figure out her own issues. Link to post Share on other sites
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