Feeling more lost than before

[Nedmed]

Hello all,

 

About 6 weeks ago, I broke up with my GF of 1.5 years. It was my first relationship and something that was truly wonderful when it was at it's prime.

 

I posted about here, but its really too long of a post

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/620254-post-break-up-aftermath-need-some#post7278795

 

TLDR : We're both doctors in training, like minded, loved each other, but I slowly felt taken for granted, felt like the only one trying, grew disappointed and unhappy, acted childishly from frustration then we broke up semi-mutually.

 

Since the break up , we never stopped talking to each other. Even meeting with each other to talk. Initially it was just friendly chat, my guess it we both wanted to dampen the blow. But then we actually started to talk about our problems and it felt great. We were, for the first time, having an open conversation about our problems, something that was greatly missing in our relationship. We were holding hands and there was def a lot of connection left between us.

 

This was eye opening. I started seeing all the mistakes We did and it was primarily communication. I felt very hopeful and really started to want her back. But not until we continue to talk about our problems.

 

We met a few times and I suggested we start talking more extensively and see if we can rekindle things. She was apprehensive. I gave her time. We met 5 days ago now and she said she is busy and feels that trying to rekindle things would be unfair to me since she doesn't know how long it will take. I told her that I dont think that's a good reason and that I am willing to work with her as long as we talk. We agreed we would.

 

She had to leave town for a conference for a few days. During which the texts became more sluggish and she no longer had time to talk. Understandable since those things can be brutally busy. Now she has been back for 2 days. She took down a lot of our pictures off her facebook. She is still not very responsive to text and isn't picking up my calls even though I can see her active on social media.

 

I am lost right now. it seemed like we were both interested in finding out the outcome of talking. It seemed like we're both wanting to try and rekindle things. But now I know something changed. She is totally different from before for no obvious reason to me.

 

I don't know what to think and feel devastated again.

[castell]

It seems like you both have not had any chance to be experience what life is really like for you both without the other person in it.

 

I went through a similar situation with my ex of 5 years, just meeting up and texting the odd time gradually rebuilding what we thought was a new start to have him gradually start losing momentum and giving me breadcrumbs.

 

From a female perspective, I feel that because she knows you are willing to work things out and because neither of you have taken a proper break, she is taking you for granted.

 

Now, I don't mean that she does not care about you or is leading you on, she probably just feels comfortable in what is happening and feels you are there if and when she needs you.

 

It may seem like the hardest thing to do, but you should stop contacting her. Right now, she views you as available and wanting her, but I guarantee once she looses that feeling she will begin to panic. Just little things like replying short answers to her texts and not asking any questions, and not being the one to contact her is what needs to happen. It may seem ridiculous but if she never has experienced life without you, how will she ever completely value you? Try 30 days no contact and take each day as it comes. She won't forget about you, she will just have time to think and realise that you are not coming back again and again.

[Nedmed]

UPDATE :

 

After running into her at work a few times and having brief small talk, We talked on the phone last night. She was way less enthusiastic to speak to me than other times. we had a pleasant conversation as two friends would then I brought up the fact that she seems more hesitant to talk to me than the last time we spoke. She told me she wasn't sure she wanted to try and talk and that our talks felt like the right thing initially but then she isn't sure anymore if it actually is. I told her that if we talk , it would have to be different than before, and that way we have a chance at resolving our issues. I told her that I recognize my role now in our problems, which I totally didn't see during the relationship. I also told her that I made a mistake by giving up on us and breaking up. She still said she wasn't sure and we left it at that.

 

I am not sure if I should wait until she makes a decision. It's understandable to feel a bit unsure in a situation like this. But at the same time, I also think that if she believed in us she would be trying to get things fixed just like I am.

 

Anyone have any input ?

[metrognome]

UPDATE :

 

After running into her at work a few times and having brief small talk, We talked on the phone last night. She was way less enthusiastic to speak to me than other times. we had a pleasant conversation as two friends would then I brought up the fact that she seems more hesitant to talk to me than the last time we spoke. She told me she wasn't sure she wanted to try and talk and that our talks felt like the right thing initially but then she isn't sure anymore if it actually is. I told her that if we talk , it would have to be different than before, and that way we have a chance at resolving our issues. I told her that I recognize my role now in our problems, which I totally didn't see during the relationship. I also told her that I made a mistake by giving up on us and breaking up. She still said she wasn't sure and we left it at that.

 

I am not sure if I should wait until she makes a decision. It's understandable to feel a bit unsure in a situation like this. But at the same time, I also think that if she believed in us she would be trying to get things fixed just like I am.

 

Anyone have any input ?

 

I haven't read the original but a possibility is that she was initially happy and positive about talking because she loves you and didn't want the relationship to end when it did, so it probably felt like she was getting what she wanted. But then maybe as she's realising there is a possibility of you actually coming back she is apprehensive because she's worried about getting back together with someone that was able to hurt her like that (not an insult to you but could be how she's thinking). In which case you would probably need to slow down and work on re-establishing trust before you go back in with talk of reconciliation. She would probably be worried about re-entering the relationship at the point where it left off without anything changing and be worried you might do it again.

 

Just a thought.

[Titanll]

UPDATE :

 

After running into her at work a few times and having brief small talk, We talked on the phone last night. She was way less enthusiastic to speak to me than other times. we had a pleasant conversation as two friends would then I brought up the fact that she seems more hesitant to talk to me than the last time we spoke. She told me she wasn't sure she wanted to try and talk and that our talks felt like the right thing initially but then she isn't sure anymore if it actually is. I told her that if we talk , it would have to be different than before, and that way we have a chance at resolving our issues. I told her that I recognize my role now in our problems, which I totally didn't see during the relationship. I also told her that I made a mistake by giving up on us and breaking up. She still said she wasn't sure and we left it at that.

 

I am not sure if I should wait until she makes a decision. It's understandable to feel a bit unsure in a situation like this. But at the same time, I also think that if she believed in us she would be trying to get things fixed just like I am.

 

Anyone have any input ?

 

Not even sure what the bolded part means.

 

She's ending it and you're clinging to hope. I always believe the saying about women checking out of the relationship before you even hear about it.

 

I also believe the one about guys that can't get the message.

 

The "I'm not sure" usually means "I have never been more sure of anything in my life".

[Nedmed]

I haven't read the original but a possibility is that she was initially happy and positive about talking because she loves you and didn't want the relationship to end when it did, so it probably felt like she was getting what she wanted. But then maybe as she's realising there is a possibility of you actually coming back she is apprehensive because she's worried about getting back together with someone that was able to hurt her like that (not an insult to you but could be how she's thinking). In which case you would probably need to slow down and work on re-establishing trust before you go back in with talk of reconciliation. She would probably be worried about re-entering the relationship at the point where it left off without anything changing and be worried you might do it again.

 

Just a thought.

 

Knowing her, I think this is the most likely scenario. It's also what's I thought was going on as well. Hence why I wasn't sure if I should hang around while she decide or just try to deal with the pain and move on ...

[springy]

I read your back story. Things started changing for her somewhere around that trip. It may have started before you even went. That's why she didn't seem to care to make time for you, communicate with you or care to address your concerns.

 

Any time you have to try to convince someone to work on things, or they come back with excuses for why they don't want to, take that as a lack of interest. They are trying their best not to hurt you any further with words so they hope you will get the picture of the lack of interest by withdrawing. As they become increasingly uncomfortable with the push to reconcile the calls and texts stop coming, or give very impersonal/brief/close ended responses.

 

I do not see interest on her part and really think you should stop reaching out. I am sorry but I think it's time to accept and move forward.

[Nedmed]

Thank you for reading my post , and for my other super long one.

 

I hear what everyone is saying. I think I feel it too. She isn't interested in rekindling things. I however , can't think of anything else ! I feel like I made a huge mistake with her. I shouldn't have given up on the relationship and should have tried to fix it instead. We still had a ton of wonderful times together , even during the downhill portions. I honestly feel like an idiot who only realized how good they had it once they lost it.

 

Not sure why I can't let go of holding onto hope.