Which relationship model lasts longer?

[Mysterio]

In your lifetime. Which modal last longer. Marriage or Cohabs.

 

For me. I say Marriage. Everyone that I know that Cohabs. Except for one couple. They all look like they are going to break up. The Married couples around my age seem to me to be rock solid for the most part.

 

I also think that without delegent construction. Most Romantic relationships will break apart. Married or not.

 

Like for me. In my mind. If I meet a woman. Get involved with her pretty fast. We get pregnant or live together within less than a year. We will break up. As opposed to meeting a woman. Taking our time. Not living together before marriage or having kids. The latter part seems to work better.

[d0nnivain]

I lived with a guy for 10 years. I always felt unsettled. I knew we loved each other but it never felt like enough.

 

 

I have been married for almost 9 years. I has always felt solid & permanent.

[mikeylo]

Living together, co habitating etc vs marriage -- marriages last longer. There is more security and a higher level of committment. Its not easy to leave.Both make an extra effort to make it work.

 

( I'm the older generation guy , so my views differ from the milleniums. )

[Mysterio]

None of my parents friends are couple that are cohabs. They are either married/divorced/widowed.

 

I am not advocating a quick marriage as well. I am just saying Relationship modal that lasts is the Marriage modal. With the exception of one couple. Everyone I know that cohabed were not together in sprit. When my friend MK married his wife JK. I did notice that she was and is a lot more relaxed being his wife than GF and thats them not living together. They married after 2yrs and 3 months.

 

My friend DT and his gf-CH. Every time I see them. They looked semi stressed. We all went the other day and CH bio child with her ex, whom she is still not divorced her. She challenged her mother by saying her marriage did not last to her father.

 

My buddy TD is in a cohab with his lady and they have a son. He always sounds rushed and stressed on the phone, as he lives in another town. Only my friend GB seems happy and the reason he is not married, is cause his lady won't take his last name. They are 12 yrs in with 3 kids.

 

If you can transition from Cohab to marriage I think thats great. To me. Its all about tempermemts and timelines.

 

For me. The only way for marriage to work with me is this. 2 yrs dating evolving into a couple. yr 3 bring Engaged and yr 4 getting married. Thats reasonable. No way am I getting hitched any sooner than that. May be YR 3 and the seems to be to soon.

Edited May 14, 2017 by Mysterio

[d0nnivain]

I think age may be a factor in how quickly things progress. I was 39 when I met DH. We got engaged around 1.5 years. We married around 2 years 2 months. He moved in to a house I owned about 3 months before the marriage; that part I recommend -- cohabitating before marriage but after engagement. It made coming home from the HM easier. We didn't have anything else to do other then be married which was challenge enough.

[Mysterio]

I agree that moving in 3 to 6 months is a good idea before the marriage, after the engagement. Age does play a factor.

[Popsicle]

I vote marriage.

 

And I have never and would never cohabitate with a man before marriage.

[BettyDraper]

I think cohabitation is fine as long as the couple shares the same goals.

Trouble starts when one partner thinks that shacking up is a step towards marriage and the other just wants to live together for life.

 

My husband and I moved in together before engagement but he proposed less than a month after I moved in.

We agreed that cohabitation was a definite step towards marriage.

Edited May 14, 2017 by BettyDraper

[somanymistakes]

It's really about what people want in their lives and whether they understand each other's needs and plans.

 

I know non-married couples who've been together twenty years. because they don't believe in the institution of marriage so they will never get married unless forced to for legal reasons. They're very happy and solid. I know people who've moved in together, discovered they couldn't tolerate each other, and broke up pretty quickly. Which is probably for the best and better than them getting married! If you're using it as a test period and it goes badly, the cohabitation didn't fail, it did exactly what it was supposed to do.

 

But it's important that both people know what their plans are and what they are trying to do together so that one isn't left constantly wanting more while the other is perfectly happy as they are

[Mysterio]

SomanyMistakes.

 

Which one of the couple that is cohabing with each other for 20 yrs do you think is all about avoiding the legality of marriage. The Man or the Woman? I see it as the Man avoiding marriage. Its usually the man that wants to avoid the marriage. If it goes south. Its not like the man in the relationship is going to get off scott free. The woman will come out better when it comes to the court.

 

From my observation. I only know one couple that cohabs that are rock solid. Everyone else in that situation they seem shaky.

 

For me I feel like if do the following the foundation will be better.

 

Meet and Date for 3 months.

BF/GF for 2 yrs.

engagment for 6 months with living together thrown in after wards. No bio kids between us. I don't want to be moving in the week of the wedding and structuring the household around that time period.

Marry end of yr 3 going into yr 4.

Kids may be yr 5 or 6. Thats from my age of 46 or so.

 

If I meet a woman. I date her. We allow ourselves to become pregnant and move in together. We will collapse weather we get married or not.

 

Add to the fact that that our Ex's if we have been married before. All out past business has to be wrapped up. So if she is separated. She needs to be divorced before any bio kids happen to us or even living together, which will not happen before an engagement. I will give one yr of grace to get the Divorce finished. There is no point in talking about marriage/bio kids between us , unless that is warped up to finality.

 

I may revise the timeline like this for me.

Yr 1

Date 3 months

BF/GF for 2 yrs living apart.

 

Yr 3

Cohab one yr.

 

Yr 4

Engage/Cohab 1 yr

 

Yr 5 Married.

 

No kids at all until Marriage if possible.

 

I could shorten everything by a yr other than that. I think what I have stated is reasonable. Now if I am 60. Its a different story. One always has to adjust for age.

Edited May 15, 2017 by Mysterio

[somanymistakes]

SomanyMistakes.

 

Which one of the couple that is cohabing with each other for 20 yrs do you think is all about avoiding the legality of marriage. The Man or the Woman? I see it as the Man avoiding marriage. Its usually the man that wants to avoid the marriage. If it goes south. Its not like the man in the relationship is going to get off scott free. The woman will come out better when it comes to the court.

 

It's hard to say since in all the long-term cohabiting couples that I know of who are like this they are BOTH very outspoken about not approving of marriage.

 

They are not 'avoiding the marriage', they do not WANT to be married. If one of them wanted to be married and the other didn't, I doubt they'd be happy together for so long.

 

The reasons I usually hear include:

 

- they're not religious, so they don't see the need to have anyone but themselves 'bless' their relationship

- they don't think it's any of the government's business who they are or aren't sleeping with so they don't want to officially register the relationship

- they're child-free by choice and think marriage is not necessary if you're not raising kids

- the woman is an outspoken feminist who does not want to be thought of as a Wife or otherwise lose her identity and independence

- solidarity with gay friends. a lot of heterosexual couples in some communities refused to marry because their gay friends couldn't. now gay marriage is legal in a lot more places but some of these couples are used to being not-married by now.

- solidarity with poly friends, who still can't get their triads married

- they're generally weird people who don't like conforming to cultural standards, so they don't want to get married because that's what normal people do

 

 

Of course if any man in my circle of friends said he was avoiding marriage because he was afraid of losing money, he wouldn't be in my circle of friends after that, he'd be shunned by everyone for being a jerk.

[Mysterio]

Men come out the looser in Divorce court. My friends that got divorced between them and their ex wives. The Ex's get money from them and don't have to work. Or at least one of them does.

[somanymistakes]

Men come out the loser in Divorce court. My friends that got divorced between them and their ex wives. The Ex's get money from them and don't have to work. Or at least one of them does.

 

Alimoney, you mean? This subject is super-complicated and varies drastically based on where you live, it's very hard to make general statements.

 

In general, when a couple splits, the higher earner has to give up a good share of money to the lower earner. It's not always to the woman, but since in our society most commonly the man is the higher earner, it is most OFTEN to the woman.

 

How much they receive and for how long is hugely, hugely variable, and depends on things like how long they were married, whether they were a stay-at-home-partner, whether the richer partner committed adultery, what state/country they live in, whether there are kids involved, etc.

 

In the US at least this is not just super-complicated but also changing quite a lot over the decades as culture changes and the image of the "abandoned housewife" who needs support for life looks increasingly out of touch with the way modern women live.

 

In other locations it doesn't matter if you're married or not because a cohabitor (common-law spouse) is treated exactly the same way and entitled to the same support if you split up.

[Overtaxed]

It's hard to say since in all the long-term cohabiting couples that I know of who are like this they are BOTH very outspoken about not approving of marriage.

 

They are not 'avoiding the marriage', they do not WANT to be married. If one of them wanted to be married and the other didn't, I doubt they'd be happy together for so long.

 

The reasons I usually hear include:

 

- they're not religious, so they don't see the need to have anyone but themselves 'bless' their relationship

- they don't think it's any of the government's business who they are or aren't sleeping with so they don't want to officially register the relationship

- they're child-free by choice and think marriage is not necessary if you're not raising kids

- the woman is an outspoken feminist who does not want to be thought of as a Wife or otherwise lose her identity and independence

- solidarity with gay friends. a lot of heterosexual couples in some communities refused to marry because their gay friends couldn't. now gay marriage is legal in a lot more places but some of these couples are used to being not-married by now.

- solidarity with poly friends, who still can't get their triads married

- they're generally weird people who don't like conforming to cultural standards, so they don't want to get married because that's what normal people do

 

 

Of course if any man in my circle of friends said he was avoiding marriage because he was afraid of losing money, he wouldn't be in my circle of friends after that, he'd be shunned by everyone for being a jerk.

 

Or they want to skirt tax law (something my W and I did for years) by filing 2 single returns vs a joint return. We saved 10's of thousands of dollars that way because she could qualify for credits that, filing married, we cannot anymore. Just wanted to add one more.

[xenawarriorprincess]

In your lifetime. Which modal last longer. Marriage or Cohabs.

 

For me. I say Marriage. Everyone that I know that Cohabs. Except for one couple. They all look like they are going to break up. The Married couples around my age seem to me to be rock solid for the most part.

 

I also think that without delegent construction. Most Romantic relationships will break apart. Married or not.

 

Like for me. In my mind. If I meet a woman. Get involved with her pretty fast. We get pregnant or live together within less than a year. We will break up. As opposed to meeting a woman. Taking our time. Not living together before marriage or having kids. The latter part seems to work better.

 

I would say that there is always a bell curve. IMO, while the marriage rate is declining and the duration of marriages are shortening; the very meaning and symbolism of marriage can alter ones perception of their relationship. Marriage is intended to be a commitment in which a couple cements the foundation for their future (we are in it until the end). Whereas the very idea of cohabitation leaves us feeling that at any time we can just pack up and leave if it doesn’t work out because we are not married (i.e.: stuck). There are of course many couples who cohabitate that last a lifetime and are filled with love, and many marriages that end in 2-3 years, however as with most things I believe there is always a bell curve and IMO Marriage seems to be the best modal for a committed relationship.

 

I would also add that the best modal for a relationship depends on whether you ask a male or a female. In the States marriage/divorce/custody/ laws greatly favor the female (bell curve & statistical fact) and thus a male might want to avoid getting married and just cohabitating to avoid any devastating legal aftermath in the event of a separation. But again the modal for cohabitation implies separation……so that answers the question I suppose.