Husband suddenly left me & is living with the other woman. ?

[sarahssarah]

I have a situation going on with my husband of 5 years (together for 10 years).

 

Basically.. everything between us seemed fine.. He always told me he would never cheat on me & he'd never want to risk his family.. I've trusted him for 10 years. Then he started being more busy & next thing I know he leaves the house after an argument & decides not to come back.

 

We live with my family so he left & told me he'd be staying at families house.

i believed him..

He told me he was having doubts about our relationship because he feels like I can do better than him..

Everytime I asked him to make a decision about us.. he'd make an excuse to get off the phone.

 

a few weeks later I found out that he'd been cheating on me & staying with the other woman for a few weeks.

I was & still am devastated , feeling betrayed and just dumbfounded.

 

After a few days he basically says he'd go to counseling & seemed like he'd try to fix things... i told him he'd have to move out of her home asap. so a few days later we went to counseling...After counseling he says he is still saying he has to find a place to stay bc he doesnt want to live with family or my family. He says he will move but how will i know when or if he is staying with them if he cheated on me but is not acting like 100% invested in fixing things?!

 

So then the next day I call him & i tell him that I want him to get his things & come home & try to fix this. He agreed that he would come the next day.

 

the next day he comes to my house with none of his stuff! we go out to eat with our daughter & that's when he tells me that he doesnt feel comfortable moving back in. I felt so hurt & betrayed all over again. He has his stuff at this girls house still & i told him im ready to try & heal.

 

After finding out that he didnt plan on staying.. I went off on him for about 30 minutes about how if he cant pick me .then he can leave me alone until he is ready to come back to his family.

 

He has showed me little hints of wanting to work it out..but at the same time he is obviously dragging his feet! You cheated on me & u live with the woman! I dont want to be sharing a guy! he has barely showed remorse.. He says he loves me & that the girl isnt his girl friend but of course he is probably lying to me & lying to her.

I told him that he needs to act like he's 100% in this .. I told him that I would do my own thing in life now.. I also expressed every horrible feeling i had about what he did to me. I didnt hold back. i bitched & I just let it loose.

 

At the end of the rant he sat in the car for a sec and left.

 

I love this man with all of my heart.. I feel like in the course of one month he has become a person I dont even recognize.

 

I feel like I want to call him and say "i still want to fix this..lets fix this"

 

but I also do not want him to string me along anymore and I don't want to be taken advantage of.

 

I believe in God and all things are possible through him...

 

he's done so many horrible things to me this month I just dont want to call him..but it is going to hurt so badly if he never calls me and falls in love with this other woman.

[unicorn_with_baggage]

You deserve better whether you love him or not. What he's doing is really low and you're letting him get away with it. Dump his ass. You're absolutely right you shouldn't have to share. Especially not when he's your husband. Let him have his freedom but don't let him have you. You're better than that.

[ahhope4u]

The choice is yours alone- but I don't believe God intends us to be miserable but it does take two people to make a good relationship- if he doesn't seem interested you cannot force any any thing more. Trust in God and trust yourself. Many Blessing

[BaileyB]

It does take two people to have a marriage. Sadly, there is only one person invested in your marriage right now.

 

I'm sorry that this has happened to you. It's easy for me to say, but I wouldn't wait around for him to decide that he doesn't want the other woman and come home. He has made his choice, sad as it is. You deserve so much more as a loving wife and mother than to wait around with the hope that he will come to his senses and come back to you...

 

I would encourage you to be strong for your daughter and remember that she is watching everything. What are you teaching her about how a woman and a wife should be treated by a man? Do you want to teach her that disrespectful and hurtful behavior (ie having and affair and leaving your family for another woman) should be tolerated or even rewarded (should he ever leave this woman and come home). Or, do you want to teach her what is required for a healthy marriage, how to have self respect, and how strong we women and mothers can be in the face of adversity?

 

Best wishes.

[whatnot]

How did you find out about the affair?

 

How old is your daughter? Is he the biological father? Is he the legal father? You say you live with your family. Does he work?

 

Is there anyone outside of your family that you can go to for more direction? You say you trust in God. Do you go to church? Is there a minister there that you can confide in....giving him the exact same information you just gave us?

 

Print that post and give it to the counselor you two went to see.

 

See a lawyer. This isn't the same as filing for divorce. It serves more than one purpose. It gives you information (kind of like being sick...you go to a doctor and he tells you what your options are for what's wrong). Doesn't mean you have to take the medicine. But, you know what you're up against. You're smarter. Do not wait for him. Go and do these things now. Don't wait. You need to know what his legal responsibilities are. It also serves to let him know this is real.

 

Tell your husband just what you told us. That you do not want the marriage to end. But that you will not be used either.

 

Stop trying to change his mind. Tell him what you want while pursuing what would be in your you and your daughter's best interest just as if him being in the picture will never be an option again.

[whatnot]

Do not let anything he says keep you from doing this. You want to be more in control of what you can control.

[sarahssarah]

Thanks for all of the kind words and advice..

 

2 days after giving my husband a serious ultimatum and unloading

My feelings on to him.. he calls and says he wants to come home.. then an hour later he says he's not sure because he doesn't know if it can be fixed .

 

I told him to come home and try. He did

 

On the 3rd night he stayed out late with his brothers

We talked on the phone bc i told him if he doesn't come home then it's a problem.

He said he was on his way and seemed to understand all that we discussed.

He never came home last night and is making up some excuse as to why.

 

 

Starting to feel like this is just hopeless. I don't want to nag him and cry anymore but he is disrespecting me and I know he's still lying.

It's like I'm stuck... he says he's trying but he literally did not come home last night and expects me to believe that. Another thing is he goes through phases where he is defensive about the lies.& says stuff like "I don't want to argue" & he will act like he's ending the call. Next moment he will be opposite.

I want to have the power here.

Should I just tell him to stay away or what?!

Edited May 18, 2017 by sarahssarah

[stillafool]

No don't tell him anything. Stop begging him to come home. It's obvious every time you ask him to come home something happens between him and the other girl to make him stay. I would back off if I were you and let him pursue you.

[PegNosePete]

No don't tell him anything.

Yep I agree with this. Telling him anything at this point is counter productive.

 

I don't think you should let him pursue you, though. When we calls just say you're not interested and he'll be getting the divorce papers in the post soon and hang up.

[sarahssarah]

Thanks for more advice!

 

I told him that I know we had a rough conversation

But I'd still love it if he could come home and try to fix our marriage

He said "yeah" but he probably won't show up.

 

I'm taking the advice given above.. if he doesn't call me I'm going back to no contact .. no more nagging, explaining .. I'm just gonna try to practice what I preach and lead by example... showing action . Begging and pleading ,explaining doesn't get us anywhere at all.

[stillafool]

Thanks for more advice!

 

I told him that I know we had a rough conversation

But I'd still love it if he could come home and try to fix our marriage

He said "yeah" but he probably won't show up.

 

I'm taking the advice given above.. if he doesn't call me I'm going back to no contact .. no more nagging, explaining .. I'm just gonna try to practice what I preach and lead by example... showing action . Begging and pleading ,explaining doesn't get us anywhere at all.

 

You are correct and when you stop begging and pleading, without sulking; you will create a certain amount of mystery around yourself which is attractive and will cause confusion.

[sarahssarah]

It's 10:45.. he's still not here and didn't answer my call.. he's not coming .

I thought he would really come bc we talked and I had hope that he'd understood everything and just come home.

 

It is just so horrible that someone you've spent years with could throw you away like you don't matter.. I've been lead on.. lied to constantly .. left in tears for weeks.

 

At this point he doesn't deserve anything from me. I'm starting to

Get angry again and it feels better to be angry than it feels to be sad.

I just can't believe that this is my life. I'm pregnant and the man I thought was the

Love of my life has threw me away once more.

 

When he calls (which I know he will)I just want to ignore it so badly. The only thing that makes it tough to not answer is bc

I'm always curious to hear what he will say. Not anymore. If he calls before Sunday I won't answer. If he calls on Sunday I will let our daughter pickup the phone. I've been hurt too many times now. If he does want to reconcile he will have to do more than call & talk nonsense.

 

Moving on with life..

[stillafool]

I think you knew in your heart he wasn't going to come home to discuss your failing marriage. He is showing you where his priorities are and it is with this OW. You should have him served with divorce papers even if you do not go through with it. Don't answer his call if he has something to say let him come home and say it.

[FBCoach23]

After reading your post I can't help but say, what the hell. I know i'm in no situation to really tell anyone what to do because i'm really struggling myself on to stay or go. Though, I think me being on this site is telling me I need validation to put my second foot out the door. Now, back to your post. YOu deserve better than this. I'm a dude and I can speak guy code. He's done, and he is just stringing you along. The term wants his cake and ice cream? That's him. He's indecisive and he will string you along at all cost because you're there and begging. Put your foot down and tell him to get packing. I asked my wife last night a question that really put some things into perspective.

 

Would you want our children to pick someone and have a marriage like us? She said no.

[sarahssarah]

After reading your post I can't help but say, what the hell. I know i'm in no situation to really tell anyone what to do because i'm really struggling myself on to stay or go. Though, I think me being on this site is telling me I need validation to put my second foot out the door. Now, back to your post. YOu deserve better than this. I'm a dude and I can speak guy code. He's done, and he is just stringing you along. The term wants his cake and ice cream? That's him. He's indecisive and he will string you along at all cost because you're there and begging. Put your foot down and tell him to get packing. I asked my wife last night a question that really put some things into perspective.

 

Would you want our children to pick someone and have a marriage like us? She said no.

 

Your reply made me feel emotional.

I always feel like there is hope because he called me saying

That I could ask him anything about the affair & how he was getting his things

But you're right ... turns out he's still just stringing me along and lying soooo much and I will not allow him to come in and out of my life like this. I told him yesterday and everyday.. I'm not sharing a man. If u can't make your family number one then just leave.

 

He's not serious about this.

I told him that it seems as though he's in no rush to get his things because he wants to have her to go back to .I guess it's fine that his stuff isn't here .. bc now I don't have to see his face.

 

This hurts so bad :'( I never would have thought that this would be us.

 

I wish I could fast forward past all of this hurt.

[FBCoach23]

I'm sorry for making you emotional. I'm in an emotional mood myself this morning. Booooo!! We hold on to the word "hope" for so long. We all have this vision of a perfect life an marriage to be happy.. Sadly, for me anyways i have this vision but I know it's not with my wife. We're so dysfunctional when we're together.

You don't deserve to share a man. You deserve to be happy and healthy. Physically and emotionally.

 

Sometimes you have to really cry and let it out. Letting go and setting them free they say is the hardset thing to do. And thats what I have to do as well.

[stillafool]

Do you have family living near you that can come over to support you?

[sarahssarah]

Do you have family living near you that can come over to support you?

 

Yes I do, thanks for asking.. if it weren't for all of

My family and friends I really don't know how I would be surviving right now.

[sarahssarah]

I'm sorry for making you emotional. I'm in an emotional mood myself this morning. Booooo!! We hold on to the word "hope" for so long. We all have this vision of a perfect life an marriage to be happy.. Sadly, for me anyways i have this vision but I know it's not with my wife. We're so dysfunctional when we're together.

You don't deserve to share a man. You deserve to be happy and healthy. Physically and emotionally.

 

Sometimes you have to really cry and let it out. Letting go and setting them free they say is the hardset thing to do. And thats what I have to do as well.

 

You're right.. it's going to be so hard.

Especially when the person constantly leads you on

And tells lies .. he's told me every single

Lie. How him and the OW don't have any feelings for

Each other .. blah blah.. lies .

He has a million reasons why he is confused ..

he never blames the other woman and I know that's

The main reason. Any other reason that he has was always worked through in the past.

He doesn't want to give us a real

Chance and that was never his intention when he came back early this week.

I have to keep it strictly business now... kids only

& I feel like he will try to say something to lead me on. If I continue to see no actions then he will continue to get the same result from me: nothing.

[FBCoach23]

I agree. Straight Business!! Same here! It is so hard I agree.

[whichwayisup]

This isn't the man you married, right now he's a selfish person and isn't thinking. He's just doing (and the doing is not good).

 

File for divorce and let him know you're doing this, (even if you don't divorce in the future) allowing him to think you're done with him and the marriage might wake him up and realize what he's about to really lose. Right now he's in total control and can lead you on, manipulate you and give you hope yet he has no desire to do anything except do as he pleases.

[Mr. Lucky]

I want to have the power here.

 

You're finding out the first difficult rule of relationships - the person that cares the least, has the most power. Think about it, he has (in his eyes) nothing to lose. He can test drive this new relationship knowing you're waiting at home and will take him back in a second. It might cost you a few tears but he seems perfectly willing to have you pay that price and more.

 

If you want at least equal footing, take away his options. Tell him he's obviously made his choice and his stuff is piled in the driveway, you suggest he come pick it up. Until you stop making yourself available as Plan B, he has no reason to choose.

 

The 180 is a great resource for people in your situation, check it out here:

 

https://beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/

 

Keep posting, lots of support here...

 

Mr. Lucky

[sarahssarah]

You're finding out the first difficult rule of relationships - the person that cares the least, has the most power. Think about it, he has (in his eyes) nothing to lose. He can test drive this new relationship knowing you're waiting at home and will take him back in a second. It might cost you a few tears but he seems perfectly willing to have you pay that price and more.

 

If you want at least equal footing, take away his options. Tell him he's obviously made his choice and his stuff is piled in the driveway, you suggest he come pick it up. Until you stop making yourself available as Plan B, he has no reason to choose.

 

The 180 is a great resource for people in your situation, check it out here:

 

https://beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/

 

Keep posting, lots of support here...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Thanks .. it's obvious he's stuck between me and the OW

I can't believe he can seriously say he has no feelings for her and he's

Only there bc it is right by his job. I let him come back bc he said he wanted

to.. 2 days later he doesn't

Come home. Lies about it.. we are back to being separated .. I haven't contacted him.. he hasn't slept here in 2 days. I'm done and I am doing the 180 list. I need to move on bc he doesn't want me or our life anymore.

[sarahssarah]

This isn't the man you married, right now he's a selfish person and isn't thinking. He's just doing (and the doing is not good).

 

File for divorce and let him know you're doing this, (even if you don't divorce in the future) allowing him to think you're done with him and the marriage might wake him up and realize what he's about to really lose. Right now he's in total control and can lead you on, manipulate you and give you hope yet he has no desire to do anything except do as he pleases.

 

You're right! He's lying and manipulating ..

I never knew him to be this way . It's like a totally different man. He ignores me with ease and he just doesn't care .

I was planning on waiting a couple months to file .. I'm pregnant

& I just feel like life is crazy right now.

[Mr. Lucky]

I can't believe he can seriously say he has no feelings for her and he's

Only there bc it is right by his job. I let him come back bc he said he wanted

to.. 2 days later he doesn't

Come home. Lies about it.. we are back to being separated .. I haven't contacted him.. he hasn't slept here in 2 days.

 

sarahssarah, he'll be back, you can count on it. And it's very likely he'll leave again, you can probably count on that also.

 

The person that needs to make a decision is you, he obviously is happy eating cake. This must be confusing for your kids also, time to stop the madness...

 

Mr. Lucky