Partner threatening to leave and saying they don't mean it breaks trust

[KatPrince]

My partner and I are in our 40's and been dating a year and planning marriage and a baby. When ever we disagree over small things he always says 'he's done'. Recently he yelled at me and said 'in the morning when I drop my son off to school, I am moving out, we're over'. I cam home and he hadn't move out and he said he didn't really mean it he was just angry. I don't get why you would say this in a relationship that is planning marriage and children, even if you are angry. I am really struggling to get past it and i think it breaks trust and I don't feel like I have a solid relationship anymore. I tried to tell him how I was feeling this morning and he said 'well if you weren't being such a bitch to me then I wouldn't have had to say it'. So blaming me for his actions? Really need advise as I'm miserable. My little life that we were planning now feels all torn away.

[somanymistakes]

Sounds like he has temper problems and is kind of immature. And yes, blaming you for it is not a good sign.

[Whodatdog]

And you want to marry this guy and have a kid with him?

 

really?

[KatPrince]

I definitely did before these comments were made. Now I don't feel like this is a stable environment to bring a baby into nor consider marriage.

[KatPrince]

He thinks I am overreacting and it was something that was said in a fight so therefore shouldn't matter. I see it as a HUGE breach of trust and our relationship that I felt safe in no longer feels safe. I don't know how you get trust back after this.

[Gr8fuln2020]

My partner and I are in our 40's and been dating a year and planning marriage and a baby. When ever we disagree over small things he always says 'he's done'. Recently he yelled at me and said 'in the morning when I drop my son off to school, I am moving out, we're over'. I cam home and he hadn't move out and he said he didn't really mean it he was just angry. I don't get why you would say this in a relationship that is planning marriage and children, even if you are angry. I am really struggling to get past it and i think it breaks trust and I don't feel like I have a solid relationship anymore. I tried to tell him how I was feeling this morning and he said 'well if you weren't being such a bitch to me then I wouldn't have had to say it'. So blaming me for his actions? Really need advise as I'm miserable. My little life that we were planning now feels all torn away.

 

So this type of behavior has been happening since the very first argument? You say 'when eve we disagree....' If so, he is not so ready to be a husband and father. No way. Has he been married before? Divorced?

 

You are correct in feeling down and uncertain. You should not pull the trigger until you have seen a lengthy return to civility on his part.

[Gemma1]

This is a huge problem. You just can't say these things in a marriage. If he is capable of voicing these "I'm done" thoughts so easily, he is simply not capable of the commitment that is marriage. You can't think this way and expect to remain married for long. I expect you will marry him anyway and learn the hard way that he doesn't have what it takes to sustain a 60+ year relationship.

[KatPrince]

SimplenFit - yes he has been married before and divorced and has children. His previous wife was very emotionally abusive but I don't think that should excuse his behaviour towards me. I find it an incredibly destructive thing to say and would never consider it unless I was actually leaving - even in that case I would respect my partner enough to sit them down and discuss leaving and not yell it out in an argument.

 

Gemma - I'm old enough to have had many life lessons so definitely won't be getting married and learning the hard way - if my inner voice says something ain't right then I honour that. I feel with his comment he doesn't have my back in hard times, and life ain't even begin to get hard so to me that isn't a solid foundation for marriage.

[basil67]

This behaviour would be a straight up dealbreaker for me. If someone said "we're done!" I'd grant their wish.

 

Add the fact that he's blaming you and has no remorse for his behaviour, you'd be crazy to continue your relationship with him. There's a good reason he was single when you met him - no woman with self respect would tolerate this kind of behaviour.

 

And for argument's sake, let's say you were behaving badly prior to his outburst. And appropriate response would be to call you on your behaviour in a civil manner. If you don't listen when he's being civil, he should end it. But staying around, blaming you and threatening to leave is not appropriate in any way, shape or form.

[KatPrince]

Thank you Basil - that makes complete sense to me. I have stated that I won't enter into a discussion when he is yelling at me and have discussed with him previously his 'I'm done' comments yet he continues to do them. When he said he was moving out and he hadn't I actually asked him when he was going and could he please not do it when my children was home and he was genuinely shocked that I thought he meant it.

[16run17]

Wow, your post resonates with me. I'm a lot younger but I just dumped my girlfriend who exhibited some of the same behavior. She threatened to leave, move out, etc and would be packing her bags and calling me all kinds of names when she was upset, then turn around and say that I should have known that she didn't really mean those things and blamed me for having done something minor to trigger the outburst.

 

Do you know firsthand that his ex was emotionally abusive, or is that just the story as he tells it? At the least it sounds like he may have been emotionally abusive whether or not she was. Threatening you, calling you names, and then blaming you for both of those things is simply not OK.

 

You can read through my history if you're curious but I reiterate the advice given to me, rather than continue to invest your time and heart in this person you should run before you have the chance to continue to be hurt. He sounds like a toxic person and it is unlikely that his behavior will ever change

[Whodatdog]

SimplenFit - yes he has been married before and divorced and has children. His previous wife was very emotionally abusive but I don't think that should excuse his behaviour towards me. I find it an incredibly destructive thing to say and would never consider it unless I was actually leaving - even in that case I would respect my partner enough to sit them down and discuss leaving and not yell it out in an argument.

 

Gemma - I'm old enough to have had many life lessons so definitely won't be getting married and learning the hard way - if my inner voice says something ain't right then I honour that. I feel with his comment he doesn't have my back in hard times, and life ain't even begin to get hard so to me that isn't a solid foundation for marriage.

 

Unless you were there and actually witnessed it, Id be very leary of believing this. It sounds like he was the one emotionally abusive. There is no place in a marriage for someone to say they are leaving everytime theres an argument.

[beatcuff]

been dating a year and planning marriage and a baby. When ever we disagree over small things he always says 'he's done'.

 

WOW, seriously, his 'go to' line is that. And has it planned out. So he skipped over: going silent, yelling, calling you names, taking a walk, 'i hate you'... You have been dating a year, you should still be in the honeymoon phase (and frankly not living together yet --- especially with other children involved). OP, go read some other threads with this in mind: the other partner was NOT marriage material. Because yours is absolutely not.

[PegNosePete]

His previous wife was very emotionally abusive

That's what he says, right? He would probably say the same about you. He is already blaming you for his temper tantrum, rather than manning up and saying sorry. Nothing is ever his fault...?

 

I feel with his comment he doesn't have my back in hard times, and life ain't even begin to get hard so to me that isn't a solid foundation for marriage.

I definitely agree. Since this seems to have happened many/multiple times before I would simply tell him that you don't feel you can trust him, you don't feel as though he is committed to you, and you don't want to be in the relationship any more. He will probably either get angry or upset, but he really only has himself to blame, he has acted like a spoilt child.

[Davey L]

Threats to leave are extremely damaging. If you are planning a baby you absolutely need to know that he is not going to abandon you. I really don't see how can proceed on this basis - I'd at the very least postpone marriage and baby and possibly just call time on the relationship.

[FoundMyStrength]

Sometimes threats like those come from a history of family dysfunction/attachment issues. I used to do that in my relationships because I had history of abandonment and emotional abuse from my parents. It was a defense mechanism: when times get tough, I get frightened it will all fall apart, so I'd rather leave you now (or say I will), than have you abandon me later.

 

Not to say your partner has that particular issue, but sometimes interpersonal patterns like that are rooted in something deeper. That said, it's up to the person who's doing it to change. My last LT partner was the first to clue me in to how damaging and hurtful it was when I said that, even though he knew it was said out of fear. But it was up to me to change it. Same for your partner.

[usernameisvalid]

Sometimes threats like those come from a history of family dysfunction/attachment issues. I used to do that in my relationships because I had history of abandonment and emotional abuse from my parents. It was a defense mechanism: when times get tough, I get frightened it will all fall apart, so I'd rather leave you now (or say I will), than have you abandon me later.

 

Not to say your partner has that particular issue, but sometimes interpersonal patterns like that are rooted in something deeper. That said, it's up to the person who's doing it to change. My last LT partner was the first to clue me in to how damaging and hurtful it was when I said that, even though he knew it was said out of fear. But it was up to me to change it. Same for your partner.

 

 

I really appreciate this point of view. Sometimes people learn destructive behaviors because they were the only way of coping / protecting themselves at a certain point in their lives. It doesn't excuse a person's behavior, but neither is behavior like that something a person is condemned to carry out for the rest of one's life. There's the possibility that this guy wasn't emotionally abused by his wife or anyone else and is actually an abusive person who won't ever change, but it's equally possible that he has been in abusive or otherwise unhealthy relationships or even family situations and that he simply can't see his behavior for what it is at the moment. It seems crazy to outsiders looking in, but sometimes people really can't see what they're doing the same way others can.

 

He thinks I am overreacting and it was something that was said in a fight so therefore shouldn't matter. I see it as a HUGE breach of trust and our relationship that I felt safe in no longer feels safe. I don't know how you get trust back after this.

 

 

I'm really put off by his telling you he thinks you're overreacting. Everyone is entitled to an opinion, but no one gets to tell anyone else their feelings are wrong.

[Unforseen]

Yeah this used to be my go to line when the fight wasn't going my way or I felt I wasn't being heard. Using a threat like that turned everything back to me and then made me the focus instead of the issues of the fight. It was manipulative and caused my W to drop everything to keep me from leaving. All in all a rather cheap and passive aggressive thing to do when I needed attention or reassurance. That all changed since my wife's affair. Now that phrase triggers her as she has a real fear that I may decide to leave her. I don't say that anymore.

 

The biggest fix for us was learning how to both talk and listen to eachother. How to put up emotional boundaries to realize that the other person is only speaking of their feelings. With those barriers up we can still listen to eachother and express to eachother but we do a much better job of not taking it personally. That I'm turn bypasses the need for defensiveness and having an argument escalate to a fight and me throwing my little tantrum with those hurtful words of "well I'm just going to leave you then."

Edited May 15, 2017 by Unforseen
Boundaries, not barriers!!

[Woggle]

Tell him next time he really will be done.

[KatPrince]

Sometimes threats like those come from a history of family dysfunction/attachment issues. I used to do that in my relationships because I had history of abandonment and emotional abuse from my parents. It was a defense mechanism: when times get tough, I get frightened it will all fall apart, so I'd rather leave you now (or say I will), than have you abandon me later.

 

Not to say your partner has that particular issue, but sometimes interpersonal patterns like that are rooted in something deeper. That said, it's up to the person who's doing it to change. My last LT partner was the first to clue me in to how damaging and hurtful it was when I said that, even though he knew it was said out of fear. But it was up to me to change it. Same for your partner.

 

Thank you so much for that. He has just started seeing a counsellor about his dyfunctional behaviour and started reading some self help books so it is a step in the right direction. I've postponed wedding and baby until I see some positive changes as I don't want this sort of life. I have let him know that I won't stand for those threats next time we argue and if they are said again then he is to leave. He had an abusive father as well but again this is no excuse. I do hope he grows from this but I am not getting my hopes up.

[mightycpa]

SimplenFit - yes he has been married before and divorced and has children. His previous wife was very emotionally abusive

yeah, she probably threw him out after she'd had enough of his threats to leave. Quite abusive indeed!