How can one have NC when kids are involved

[bananaz3]

Hi there, a little background. I have been separated from my spouse for 8 months. He is the one who initiated it saying that after 19 years together he just doesn't have the same feelings anymore. I suspect that there is someone else. On our cell phone records there is a number belonging to a girl who he met while out of town for work. He calls her all the time, morning and night and now she is living in the same city as us.

 

So he says that he doesn't feel the same about me. I am devastated. He has been my best friend and lover for soo many years. He wants to try to just keep being friends but I know that won't work for me because I am still in love with him. And I know from past betrayals that once someone hurts me I don't keep being friends with them.

 

The issue is that we have 3 kids together, 18, 15 and 9. I don't drive so I rely on him to get them to their activities and things. He also says he doesn't have a place that he can take the kids to when he wants to see them. So he has to come here.

 

I know the only way to get pass all my hurt and anger is to have no contact but how do you do that with kids involved? I also secretly hope he will change his mind and come back though I am starting to realize that probably isn't going to happen.

 

One last thing I have to add is I am either so angry at him because I feel like I have lost everything. Him (who I love and thought I would spend the rest of my life with), my home (cause I can't keep living here on my own) and my part time job that I love because I need to find a full time job to keep finances afloat. Or I am so sad and depressed because of the former reasons.

 

So for the rambling. My mind is just every where right now.

[bananaz3]

One last thing that I wanted to add is that sometimes when he comes over he just sits with me or does things around the house like he is still part of the every day stuff that happens here. I tried telling him not to but it hurts just as much to not see him or talk to him as it does to see him and talk to him.

[amurb]

I am sorry you are going through this. I was in a similar situation not too long ago, wasn't married nearly as long but I moved from my hometown in California to marry someone I thought loved me out on the east coast and a few years into the marriage and one child later and he wants out bc he never loved me. I was heartbroken. It took some time for me to get back on my feet since I was a stay at home mom, but my friends from church helped me out and encouraged me. If you have someone like a friend or family who can be around you often right now, that will be the best medicine, maybe someone you can vent to, or cry on the shoulder of. Int time the hurt gets better, but if you can't distance yourself, like both your and my situation, since we have kids with them, it isn't as easy to move forward. Just try to keep the contact to a minimum, only talk about things relating to the kids and keep it short. Good luck to you.

Hi there, a little background. I have been separated from my spouse for 8 months. He is the one who initiated it saying that after 19 years together he just doesn't have the same feelings anymore. I suspect that there is someone else. On our cell phone records there is a number belonging to a girl who he met while out of town for work. He calls her all the time, morning and night and now she is living in the same city as us.

 

So he says that he doesn't feel the same about me. I am devastated. He has been my best friend and lover for soo many years. He wants to try to just keep being friends but I know that won't work for me because I am still in love with him. And I know from past betrayals that once someone hurts me I don't keep being friends with them.

 

The issue is that we have 3 kids together, 18, 15 and 9. I don't drive so I rely on him to get them to their activities and things. He also says he doesn't have a place that he can take the kids to when he wants to see them. So he has to come here.

 

I know the only way to get pass all my hurt and anger is to have no contact but how do you do that with kids involved? I also secretly hope he will change his mind and come back though I am starting to realize that probably isn't going to happen.

 

One last thing I have to add is I am either so angry at him because I feel like I have lost everything. Him (who I love and thought I would spend the rest of my life with), my home (cause I can't keep living here on my own) and my part time job that I love because I need to find a full time job to keep finances afloat. Or I am so sad and depressed because of the former reasons.

 

So for the rambling. My mind is just every where right now.

[Vivir]

Hey Bananaz3, Natalie Lue has a book/audiobook called "The No Contact Rule" and in it is a chapter on the type of no contact one would require when children are involved. It is basically LC - or limited contact. You might also find info on this topic on her blog.

[d0nnivain]

If you share kids you don't get the luxury of full NC. You do limit all interactions to the well being of the kids.

[preraph]

Once you legally settle custody, you can use a mediator and never have to see him if you want to bad enough.

[bananaz3]

Well I initiated limited contact with him today. Told him he could only come to see the kids and that's it. I am already regretting it and want to take it back. It makes me feel so weak to miss him so much. But I honestly think that he was just coasting by and not really thinking of what type of relationship he wants to have with me by still coming over all the time. I know it's what I had to do for my own sanity and to stop my heart from breaking all the time. But oh man why is it so hard!

[jjgitties]

Well I initiated limited contact with him today. Told him he could only come to see the kids and that's it. I am already regretting it and want to take it back. It makes me feel so weak to miss him so much. But I honestly think that he was just coasting by and not really thinking of what type of relationship he wants to have with me by still coming over all the time. I know it's what I had to do for my own sanity and to stop my heart from breaking all the time. But oh man why is it so hard!

 

Be aware that you are in a really rough spot in your life. Separating and divorce is really hard. It makes it even worse that your husband seems to want to "hang out", so to speak. Just stay strong. And even be honest with him and tell him, "hanging out" is really hard for you emotionally because you are going through separation and divorce. You can't just "hang out" anymore. It doesn't work that way.

[todreaminblue]

there has to be contact the welfare of children takes precedence........limited and defined with set boundaries .says me.....i have friendshipsp with both my exes where choldren are involved....and i have to really stress boundaries.....oen i dotn see its a phone relationship........limited is the best no contact with kids......preferrable its better to have a form a form of courteous friendship...that takes time...and a whole lot of give...from both.....deb

[Chilli]

4 and 1/2 yrs for us.

the problem is yeah , your parents and the kids come firt in this mess , it is so so hard on them no matter what they tell you.

thing is , keeping things good with ex make a massive difference for the kids and , not that we need a study to tell us but every study shows that the kids that go through this with the parents still talking and on good terms , come out miles and miles ahead during the rest of their childhood and through into life.

 

so believe it , as much as it hurts your doing the best thing you can do for your kids. But yeah ,t's hard ,really hard, sickening ,l know it.

me , l wasn't gonna be be one of those idiot hateful parents, spite and hating, l didn't want that for my daughter , she'll go through enough in all this. so from day one , l kept things open with ex , we'd even chit chat when l'd go over for d , she even cooked for me , always offered coffee, and we always kept in touch for anything my d and supported each other but it was hard , really hard , hardest thing l've ever had to do, left in tears many a time. But it was worth it.

over time it got less and less and l wanted to see my own daughter at her new home to , not only at mine , l wanted to be there and share that with her not just stand at the door of my own daughters home. But in time l went in less and less and spent less and less chit chat with ex and these days l hardly see or talk to her at all but if she's there when l'm grabbing d we'll still have little chit chats and it's still hard , she's remarried too, rebound l'm sure, so you could imagine.

 

You gotta do it for your kids though ,somehow, try to find a formula you can cope with that hurts the least.

Even him hanging out there , that's great for the kids in ways , but so hard for you, so l dunno .

But for them it's one of those things we just have to find what can work for us. So sorry your going through it.

Edited May 17, 2017 by Chilli