coolbabe843 Posted May 15, 2017 Share Posted May 15, 2017 I have never done this forum thing before but I really need advice. My husband and I have been together for 15 years and married for 8, we have 3 beautiful children together. Lately, I just feel like something is off and I mentioned it to him and he agrees that he thinks we arent connected anymore but dont want to end our marriage instead wants to repair it. How do we do that? We have no sitter to do things alone and cant afford to hire one. We have a rocky past due to his infidelity. We pretty much feel like we just live together anymore. He sits outside all weekend on his phone or messing with his truck while I am inside with the baby, we barely talk, and sure dont have sex as much as we should as I am just wore out and dont feel sexy anymore. Any advice is appreciated Link to post Share on other sites
NTV Posted May 15, 2017 Share Posted May 15, 2017 You said what he wants. What do you want? Link to post Share on other sites
GunslingerRoland Posted May 15, 2017 Share Posted May 15, 2017 that? We have no sitter to do things alone and cant afford to hire one. I personally find this sentence interesting as I think it has a lot behind it. If you are in that tight of a situation financially that is obviously a huge strain on the marriage. That also tells me that you are lacking family and close friends that you can rely on. I don't know anything about your marriage, but life can't just be your immediate family vs. the world. You need to build a support structure into your life. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
mikeylo Posted May 15, 2017 Share Posted May 15, 2017 I have never done this forum thing before but I really need advice. My husband and I have been together for 15 years and married for 8, we have 3 beautiful children together. Lately, I just feel like something is off and I mentioned it to him and he agrees that he thinks we arent connected anymore but dont want to end our marriage instead wants to repair it. How do we do that? We have no sitter to do things alone and cant afford to hire one. We have a rocky past due to his infidelity. We pretty much feel like we just live together anymore. He sits outside all weekend on his phone or messing with his truck while I am inside with the baby, we barely talk, and sure dont have sex as much as we should as I am just wore out and dont feel sexy anymore. Any advice is appreciated Maybe back to his old ways. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted May 15, 2017 Share Posted May 15, 2017 Maybe back to his old ways. Sadly, that's exactly what I was wondering. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted May 15, 2017 Share Posted May 15, 2017 I have never done this forum thing before but I really need advice. My husband and I have been together for 15 years and married for 8, we have 3 beautiful children together. Lately, I just feel like something is off and I mentioned it to him and he agrees that he thinks we arent connected anymore but dont want to end our marriage instead wants to repair it. How do we do that? We have no sitter to do things alone and cant afford to hire one. We have a rocky past due to his infidelity. We pretty much feel like we just live together anymore. He sits outside all weekend on his phone or messing with his truck while I am inside with the baby, we barely talk, and sure dont have sex as much as we should as I am just wore out and dont feel sexy anymore. Any advice is appreciated When my husband and i were a young couple ...we had little money. We also could not afford a sitter and we did not live near our friends and family. We learned there were many things we could do as a family that were inexpensive. It really isn't about the things you do...it's that you are sharing time together. Communication is the greatest thing between people...and usually if we are talking....we feel like ...sex as well. Talking a walk, going to the park or the zoo, things that the kids will like...but you and your husband can TALK and PARENT together. Even if you are TALKING about your KIDS...lol Make a conscience effort to tell him you miss him...you miss sharing time with him. If he is working on the truck ...go outside with him and sit in a lawn chair and hold the baby...but TALK to him. If he sits outside talking on his phone...go sit beside him. I dont want to jump to conclusions that he is cheating again. It is a possibility yes...but clearly you want to stay with him. By the way....sexy is a mindset. You are tired....and you are sad....and nothing is exciting. You need a little motivation. Sometimes a new hairstyle...or a new pair of shoes....even if you get them at a resale shop...a new lipstick....something that makes you feel better about your self. Do you have a church nearby that offers a mom's day out? or a neighbor or relative or friend that will trade babysitting? Sometimes moms at school who are in the same situation as you...will trade babysitting. There are many ways to get a little me time or couple time...and it doesn't have to be expensive. Make the decision that today...you are going to reach out to him...a hug a smile a kind word. Let him know you still want him. Good luck to you and I truly hope you are just in a slump....everyone has those times. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 15, 2017 Share Posted May 15, 2017 He needs to get off the phone & come inside once in a while. What can you do to find some money so you two can reconnect as adults? Can you have a garage sale? Can you tweek the budget? What about at night when the kids are asleep? A candle lit bath for two may be just what you need. You need to talk to each other & find low cost ways to put the romance back. Getting out from under the financial strain will also help. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted May 15, 2017 Share Posted May 15, 2017 He needs to get off the phone & come inside once in a while. What can you do to find some money so you two can reconnect as adults? Can you have a garage sale? Can you tweek the budget? What about at night when the kids are asleep? A candle lit bath for two may be just what you need. You need to talk to each other & find low cost ways to put the romance back. Getting out from under the financial strain will also help. Great ideas! One thing I will remind the op....You can only contol you. Your husband is not contributing to the relationship like he should be...but you can't make him. You can however make yourself...and if you tell him how imprtant it is for you to reconnect...hopefully he too will do his part. sometimes...We have to make the first move toward our spouse....too often we are afraid to make that move and we both end up moving away from each other instead of toward each other. don't be afraid to reach out to him....dont be afraid to make the first move....dont be afraid to show him how much he means to you... We all just want to be loved for who we are. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Madame_Noire Posted May 15, 2017 Share Posted May 15, 2017 I have never done this forum thing before but I really need advice. My husband and I have been together for 15 years and married for 8, we have 3 beautiful children together. Lately, I just feel like something is off and I mentioned it to him and he agrees that he thinks we arent connected anymore but dont want to end our marriage instead wants to repair it. How do we do that? We have no sitter to do things alone and cant afford to hire one. We have a rocky past due to his infidelity. We pretty much feel like we just live together anymore. He sits outside all weekend on his phone or messing with his truck while I am inside with the baby, we barely talk, and sure dont have sex as much as we should as I am just wore out and dont feel sexy anymore. Any advice is appreciated What I have underlined screams out to me that he could be up to his old tricks again. He has literally left you holding the baby and you have set the precedent that you are tolerable of his infidelity because you took him back. Ultimately, it is up to you what you do, but you have to what is in the best interest of the children as well. Link to post Share on other sites
Unforseen Posted May 15, 2017 Share Posted May 15, 2017 This kind of treat is both hurtful and naturally unhelpful. It was the kind of thing I would say as a form of passive aggressiveness and manipulation. Whatever the fight was about saying that magic phrase would then make it completely about me. Whatever the issues were that we were fighting about got to fade away into the background because now the focus was on keeping me happy so I wouldn't storm out...again. It was my way of getting the focus back onto me and away from whatever it was about the fight that was making me uncomfortable. It was a selfish and lame cry for attention and reassurance and validation to make sure that I was being heard. In your case, just like in mine, it sounds like a symptom of some deeper issues affecting you guys. Add that to your H not wanting to spend time with you and the romance being gone and it really sounds like you guys are stuck. There's no quick and easy solution. MC can be a big help but only if you are both willing and actively participating. One thing that helped snap me out, okay two things: 1) my wife had an A. I finally understood that something was wrong between us. I'm sorry to hear that you guys already went through that. 2) a book called Love and Respect. https://www.amazon.com/Love-Respect-Desires-Desperately-Needs/dp/1511368926 Yes there are many Christian themes in the book and basis for some of the lessons in the Bible, but it will still give you a great insight into what you both need even if you skip through the quotes verses. I read that book in my desire to fix my marriage and it helped me a great deal in understanding not only what my W needed bit in what I needed also from our marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
j2415p44 Posted May 17, 2017 Share Posted May 17, 2017 I’m sorry that you are going through this. In my 21 years of marriage, I have learned the importance of communication to have a successful marriage. I found this article that says good communication is the life blood of successful marriage, so when spouses stop talking at a deep level, their marriages slowly begin to die. I would like to encourage you to sit with your husband and tell all your concerns. I saw my parent’s marriage, it was difficult for my mother because of my father’s infidelity. They stopped talking to each other. It breaks my heart whenever I saw my mother crying. God strengthened my mother to forgive my father. At the end, they’re still together. Forgiving is hard but we need to, only in that way that marriage will be restored. Praying for you that you will be comforted as you go through this and God will guide you to have a successful marriage as you trust Him. Thank you for sharing. Link to post Share on other sites
Betrayed&Stayed Posted May 17, 2017 Share Posted May 17, 2017 We have no sitter to do things alone and cant afford to hire one. You don't need to hire a baby-sitter. Find another couple that can watch your kids while you go out, and you watch their kids so they can go out. A Quid Pro Quo arrangement. Link to post Share on other sites
Author coolbabe843 Posted May 19, 2017 Author Share Posted May 19, 2017 (edited) Sorry I havent been on lately...me and the husband spoke the other day and he said he believes the problem is trust and that he knows that is his fault because of the past, he dont want to walk away from our marriage but I dont know how to build the trust back. The babysitter thing stems from my family moving back up North so I have no help, his mom will keep them for me to go to a doctors appointment and such but if her boyfriend is home you can just hang that up. Its hard for me to trust anyone with my kids as I was abused as a child by my moms boyfriend so its hard to think anyone will care for them. I know i have issues and wish I could talk to someone but again I just can not afford it. I do not think as of right now hes back to his old ways but I believe if something dont get fixed it will happen and I have always been the one to put our family back together and fight for it but I just dont have the strength to do it anymore alone. Thanks everyone! Edited May 19, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs Link to post Share on other sites
Cephalopod Posted May 19, 2017 Share Posted May 19, 2017 I would lay it on the line with your husband. He can either step up and start acting like a husband and father or you will ask him to leave. It really is that simple. Your unwillingness to confront him and hold him accountable is the problem. This has nothing to do with connection. He can connect with you easily, without the aid of a therapist. You are there, waiting and willing. He just doesn't want to, or he's too damn lazy and self-centered. Some people are just not mature enough for marriage and family, and your husband sounds like one of them. I think it may be time for you to trade him in for a more dependable model. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted May 19, 2017 Share Posted May 19, 2017 The babysitter thing stems from my family moving back up North so I have no help, his mom will keep them for me to go to a doctors appointment and such but if her boyfriend is home you can just hang that up. Its hard for me to trust anyone with my kids as I was abused as a child by my moms boyfriend so its hard to think anyone will care for them. I know i have issues and wish I could talk to someone but again I just can not afford it. I do not think as of right now hes back to his old ways but I believe if something dont get fixed it will happen and I have always been the one to put our family back together and fight for it but I just dont have the strength to do it anymore alone. coolbabe843, all you've done is restate your problems. You were given several good suggestions by posters - did you even read them? Folks can't help you unless you're willing to help yourself - at least a little bit ... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Gemma1 Posted May 20, 2017 Share Posted May 20, 2017 Do you guys do anything fun together? Have exciting plans in the works for your future? Have any hobbies or future experiences to look forward to? How old are you two and do you work or stay at home? You can't expect a relationship to stay good if you are just living together without actually experiencing anything together. ANY relationship (whether between spouses, friends, or family) will stagnate if you don't do things together. What do you expect him to talk to you about or do with you if he does come inside away from his truck? I take it you're from the South. Me too. I know how it is. But babysitters are cheap there. You've got to be willing to sacrifice some things for the sake of your marriage. And there are also plenty of things you can do as a family that are cheap. Humans in general are just not happy without things to look forward to. You've got to be progressing/making plans/setting goals. Doing those things as a couple is what keeps a lot of marriages synchronized and cohesive. I'm betting that it's not just your marriage that is suffering, it's your general happiness that is going downhill too. Link to post Share on other sites
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