Being too angry at your parents to connect again (ever)

[shizzle_84]

I'm just wondering if anyone here has ever felt they had too good a reason to be so pissed off with their parents to the point where they don't talk to them. Ever.

 

I feel I have to some degree always been neglected by my family. But there was a crisis that came about in my mid 20's, which magnified that hole in our relationship because I was left pretty much alone to cope with. No one was there for me, especially my parents. 4 years later, I guess I'm out of the hell hole, but no thanks to the 2 idiots that brought me into this world.

 

Anyways, I don't think I can ever forgive them. Even now if I get a hint of their old neglectful behaviour I just feel like I want to punch them in the face. It sounds bad but I'm angry cause I did all I can and made it easy for them to reach out to me. But they wouldn't cause they know they'd need to shed some of their old behaviour to be able to get to their son.

 

Instead all I got from my family that whole time was lies and evasion. I guess that is just too much for some people...

 

I don't think I'd even have the heart to do that to my own siblings, let alone my own child.

 

How does someone leave their own family and home they grew up in... without messing yourself up even more?

[mikeylo]

Its normal in many homes.Its just that people dont air it. Every family has there own set of issues.

 

Keep contact to the bare minimum if you have to but dont feel guilty if you dont.

[somanymistakes]

A lot of people are estranged from their birth families.

 

In many cases, unless the issue was direct abuse, people decide to make an effort to be vaguely polite twenty or thirty years later when the pain isn't so fresh and the family members are no longer in a position to actually damage your life/esteem. Sometimes it's less wasted energy for your life to be able to accept "yep, my dad is a racist idiot drunk" and send him a card at christmas and otherwise not worry about it too much. But don't feel pressured to get to that point either.

 

You can't choose who you're born to, but you can choose the friends you make later. You can find new support structures.

[preraph]

I have been just about that mad at my parents before and did stop contact once, but it was my mother who reached out, and she began treating me more as an adult.

 

Not knowing your situation and whether or not you were responsible for it or they were, I can't be real specific, but I will say that it's a big deal when you feel like divorcing your parents, and sometimes it needs to be done, if they are that heinous or toxic or dangerous. But they aren't obligated to enable us to run ourselves into the ground and stick around to watch us killing ourselves with our own actions. Again, no idea the situation here.

 

But either way, it's a situation that has you very angry, and some counseling would be beneficial to you to vent all that anger and try to find some peace. If you feel this is not so much a mental health issue but a situation issue, then a lot of different counselors could help, but if you feel there are mental issues on either your parents' side or your side, then of course a psychologist would have more insight into their behavior. If any of it involves addiction on any side, then even just AA or NA might be of tremendous benefit.

 

Anyway, I hope things work out for you. I don't believe in keeping toxic people in my life, but be sure you know what you're dealing with so you don't burden yourself with guilt if one of them drops dead next week.

[Satu]

I ditched my parents when I was 17.

 

Never regretted it and never looked back.

 

My reason for doing so were good enough for me.

 

QED.

[shizzle_84]

Surprisingly it's not uncommon for people to hate and ditch their parents?

 

I don't feel guilty about it by the way. My **** head parents ****ing lied to me and prolonged my suffering. It's too messy a situation and I'd be lieing too if I said that non of it was my fault. But as imperfect human as I am - I know for sure I did all I could to meet them at the ****ing bridge. So much for "Honor thy parents"

 

I have also seen a counselor about this. My psychologist even said that it seemed very likely that I would be living a very separate life from my family's.

 

Picking up the pieces of my life has just been so hard though. It's been 4+6 years (depending on how you look at it), and only now I've come to accept the situation that nothing's going to change for them. So I guess my leaving is final.

[preraph]

When it's really bad, breaking the cycle is the best you can do.

[Gillys]

Lots of people leave their families....I know plenty of people who treat their friends like family. Do whats best for you, if you find more love and acceptance in your friends make them your "family" in a sense.

I didn't talk to my dad for years and essentially an older male friend became the person I would turn to for fatherly advice when I was in my early 20s

[Frostedflake]

I moved out at 16. I lived overseas and then far to the other coast, solely, to be away from my parents. I wanted nothing to do with them and holding grudgings was EASY. They had given me years of material. To the point that if I felt any confrontation I would just shut them out again. I thought it wasn't worth the stress.

 

They're old now. Mom can't remember yesterday, much less, all those years ago. Dad's temper retired with him. They're the same shell of the people that hurt me but strangely different. It almost makes you angry again because once you grow up you want to confront those who hurt you and set the record straight/defend your younger self. But what's the use?

 

Point blank. The further I lived from my parents- the easier it was to have a relationship with them. Because I could control communication and Holiday's were few and far in-between. But every time I saw them they were a little smaller, a little grayer, more frail. And then you have to decide to hold onto your grudges or free your hands in the last few years of your parents lives.

They aren't staying with you forever. You'll have plenty of time without them. So if it's going to be a regret you'll have later, let the anger go.

[Mr. Lucky]

But there was a crisis that came about in my mid 20's, which magnified that hole in our relationship because I was left pretty much alone to cope with. [

 

Most folks in their mid 20's are at a point in life where they're responsible for themselves, not up to Mom or Dad to bail us out of trouble or solve our crises.

 

Perhaps this was their own poorly communicated version of tough love?

 

Mr. Lucky

[shizzle_84]

Most folks in their mid 20's are at a point in life where they're responsible for themselves, not up to Mom or Dad to bail us out of trouble or solve our crises.

 

Perhaps this was their own poorly communicated version of tough love?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I wish Mr Lucky what you say is true... Maybe I'm too angry to see it now.

 

But this "crisis" actually happened when I was 22 ... which then bled on to till I was 26 years old.

 

Poor communication is a constant in my family though. I'm not sure how you picked that up...

 

I wish I wasn't born into this.

[shizzle_84]

I moved out at 16. I lived overseas and then far to the other coast, solely, to be away from my parents. I wanted nothing to do with them and holding grudgings was EASY. They had given me years of material. To the point that if I felt any confrontation I would just shut them out again. I thought it wasn't worth the stress.

 

They're old now. Mom can't remember yesterday, much less, all those years ago. Dad's temper retired with him. They're the same shell of the people that hurt me but strangely different. It almost makes you angry again because once you grow up you want to confront those who hurt you and set the record straight/defend your younger self. But what's the use?

 

Point blank. The further I lived from my parents- the easier it was to have a relationship with them. Because I could control communication and Holiday's were few and far in-between. But every time I saw them they were a little smaller, a little grayer, more frail. And then you have to decide to hold onto your grudges or free your hands in the last few years of your parents lives.

They aren't staying with you forever. You'll have plenty of time without them. So if it's going to be a regret you'll have later, let the anger go.

 

Thanks for the advice... I'm still too ****ing mad though, but I appreciate what you said here.

[Mr. Lucky]

I wish Mr Lucky what you say is true... Maybe I'm too angry to see it now.

 

But this "crisis" actually happened when I was 22 ... which then bled on to till I was 26 years old.

 

shizzle_84, plenty of 22-yr olds have houses, families and circles of responsibility. Others depend on them so they deal with their own crises. Generations of 22-yr olds have fought - and died - in wars. No parents nearby for help under those circumstances.

 

I wish I wasn't born into this.

 

The circumstances of your birth aside, at age 26 you are what you make of yourself. If you want to tally up credit or blame, look in the mirror...

 

Mr. Lucky

[shizzle_84]

shizzle_84, plenty of 22-yr olds have houses, families and circles of responsibility. Others depend on them so they deal with their own crises. Generations of 22-yr olds have fought - and died - in wars. No parents nearby for help under those circumstances.

 

 

 

The circumstances of your birth aside, at age 26 you are what you make of yourself. If you want to tally up credit or blame, look in the mirror...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

"Generations of 22-yr olds have fought - and died - in wars."

 

Wtf?

[Mr. Lucky]

"Generations of 22-yr olds have fought - and died - in wars."

 

Wtf?

 

Are you always this petulant and difficult? I'm just trying to suggest some of your anger might be misdirected, make of that feedback what you will. Hope things go better for you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[SameMistakes]

I agree with some of the other posters here that resolving your anger seems to be first and foremost. I'm not saying it's unwarranted, but until you can face it, explore it and forgive or move on from the resentment, cutting off your parents is not likely to to put you at peace or fix the true issues.

 

At the same time, if your relationship with your parents is truly toxic and they are preventing you from moving on, maybe cutting them off, or at the very least creating some distance is what you need to be healthy. What can you live with? What's important to you? Only you can answer those questions and determine if severing your relationship is the real path to moving forward.

[BettyDraper]

I rarely speak to my mother. I see her when she's in the country. I refuse to stay at her home or let her stay with us. My mother is just too rude, cruel and entitled for us to spend more than a few hours with her. I grew up being physically and emotionally abused by my mother. I've let go of most of the anger but it flares up when she tells me that she loves me and wants to be friends. I manage not to rant at her like I did when I was in my early 20s so I just smile and seethe. I do have some pity towards my mother because she is old and she clearly struggles with a tremendous amount of guilt.

 

Therapy could be very helpful but only if you choose to take responsibility for your life and how you want it to look. It's not your fault that you have certain issues because of how you were raised but you are to blame if you do not work on becoming a functional adult. You cannot keep holding your parents accountable for your shortcomings because you are no longer a child. I was out of my parents' house long before age 26 because I was tired of my mother's abuse.

[NotASkunk]

Feeling angry is the worst. It's important to feel your emotions, process, observe and release them. Therapy is a great tool, I would look into that.

 

Also, there isn't nothing wrong with setting your boundaries , even if they are your parents. I was raised in a emotionally abusive household where I was neglected by my mom and abandoned by my dad (death). I get the pain. I've put the distance I've needed that worked for me with my elderly mom. She is 92 and was recently diagnosed with breast cancer. I'm processing a lot of emotions with that right now so I thought to look here.

 

Good luck. Feel your feelings, they are valid. Anger is a tough one.