Should we live in separate apartments?

[Torn2015]

Hello I have been married for five years and the past three have been very unstable. . My wife is very nice but I have not been 100 percent in the marriage and have been conflicted and wanting to leave for the past three years. My wife loves me very much she is 39 and wants kids and I feel a lot of guilt because i am leaning out of the marriage but have not had the guts to get a divorce. When I see her I feel so bad for the heart break she has been through with me. Neither one of us has cheated and there is no physical abuse. At the worst at times I called her stupid and retarded which may be verbal abuse and I am not proud of it. . I am hard on her because she is not the smartest person in the world and only has high school education after getting G.E.D. a couple years ago witch I am proud of her. I have more life experience i was in the military I have bachelors in psychology and sociology. But left career three years ago due to depression mainly about relationship and health issues with me and wife. So now I am 37 working for uber sometimes to depressed to even work and my wife works in a care giving role for 16 years. She is not happy with her job wants to go to school but some of her goals may not be realistic.

Last year I moved out of our apartment and got a studio for four months I did not date and I reflected and ended up moving back in because i felt I missed her and when I came back i felt I was back in the same train of thought and doubt that made me leave.

 

Our lease is up in one month should we each get out of this situation and get our own studios and decide while we are apt if we want to work on things? Should we stay and sign another lease and one leave if things are not going well?

 

I feel signing leases traps us and we should just live separate in cheaper studios and have a break.

 

One of the major issues I have is my wife has no confidence she is shy and timid and when I see stronger women it makes me want to give up and find someone else.

 

The thing that keeps me staying is the guilt and the terror of leaving my wife who is 39 without children and it being my fault. I am 37. I did not want to be the husband that leaves wife for someone younger I am not sure how I can gather the strength to leave and break her heart but I feel staying is worse she just does not know it.

 

 

I sleep in separate room I feel more like roommates one reason I am in separate room is snoring but we have not been intimate. She gets mad if I fart but she can fart because her farts do not stink. We do not have a lot in common I am a foodie she hates eating out we are both loners. I am thinking that we each need a partner that is more outgoing.

 

 

Should I stay or should I go.

[d0nnivain]

If you want to fix the relationship, stay together. If you are splitting up live apart. It depends on what you want.

 

 

Perhaps ask the landlord for a month to month lease so you aren't trapped for a year.

[Torn2015]

I have a strong feeling I have not asked but its hard to get a month to month is summer because thats when everyone rents. We may be able to get a one moth extension.

 

I think its the fact that we have been mulling over this for three years that makes me think I would be doing my wife a favor by moving separate and figuring out what I need to do and she can just live her life.

 

I am going to therapist but he wont tell me what to do mainly because a therapist is not suppose to tell you.

 

me and my wife just go in circles about this neither one of use has made a strong decision.

[d0nnivain]

You can't bring a child into this. That would make everything worse.

 

What if anything have you two done to improve your marriage? If you are both willing to work on things & you actually work, stay. If you are just going to sit there & complain, end it already so you have the chance to meet somebody who will make you happy.

[Torn2015]

I feel that is good advice me and my wife want to couples therapy for a couple months a year ago but the therapist was more focused on me and my problems with my mental health I felt the therapist did not help.

 

I feel my wife lacks the communication skills it would take to work through this when I try and get in a deep conversation with my wife she just not help to work towards a solution there is some type of barrier. She is from another country will just say in Europe but she has been here for 17 years so I am not sure it is a cultural thing but maybe an intellectual thing.

 

Sometimes I think I need to leave now if there is any chance for her to meet another man and have children but she makes me feel guilty because she will say things like if you leave I dont think I ever want to date again and that she is done. But then she will discuss once in awhile how she is 39 and upset because she is in a situation where she may not have kids. I do not think she is trying to make me feel guilty but it breaks my heart and makes me think of ways to try and fix things .

 

Sometimes when I talk to an american and we can talk about nostalgic things like the nineties and music and movies i miss that and wonder if I just totally married the wrong person. When me and my spouse were dating after a year I expressed some issues to my sister and she said she thought I would be happier with an american and she did not say it in a mean way our father is an immigrant she just thought me personally would be happier with an american at that time.

 

my gut says to go my heart says to stay when I look at her I almost want to cry sometimes she is in such pain. but I also do not think she sees the pain I am in.

[Torn2015]

my spouse never comes up with creative ways to fix relationship she may be burned out from me and work.

 

I was always the one asking to go to therapy and trying but Then I lose patients and say something mean and tell her I give up

[skywriter]

There are two sides to every relationship. It seems from what you post that you are critical of your wife and imply a lack of intelligence and ability to verbally express herself in therapy.

 

Maybe some patience and appreciation for what your wife brings to the household and the relationship, instead of the negativity.Then again you have to truly want to make it work and then put in the effort necessary.

 

Life is hard enough without the one you are supposed to love calling you names and your home is supposed to be your sanctuary. Caregiving can be difficult and requires someone with compassion and patience. So without ever knowing your wife I can appreciate her.

[Torn2015]

i guess a huge problem is my indecisiveness I know my wife deserves better So I am wondering if at this age I just need to move.

 

Wouldn't moving and being happy be better than 6 months or a year of possibly being miserable.

 

I wonder if we live apart and then decide to work on relationship if it would be easier.

 

plus instead of cheating what if I move out and four months down the road go on some dates. If i feel I made a mistake let my spouse know fully knowing she may not take me back.

[Torn2015]

there is just so much going on that may be shallow and inmature. Another thing is I do not feel attracted to my spouse she was never my type I married her because she was such a great person she is attractive just not my type.

[skywriter]

Only your wife and you together can decide the future of your relationship. It should be something decided by the both of you, and discussed respectfully, with both opinions and feelings expressed.

[Torn2015]

on the other side it breaks my heart to leave but I have never cheated on my life and I am always checking out other women and daydreaming what it would belike to be with someone else or just move away to another life.

 

Are these normal thoughts or thoughts that I need to work on in therapy or are they signs I am not in love with my wife and need to move.

[Torn2015]

you are right I will get off of here only we can make the decision. i thing that is the best advice

[Torn2015]

my wife is amazing and caring and deserves the best if I could figure out how to control my patience for things she cannot help and stop fantasizing about being with other women then everything would be fine. But the fantasizing is reaaly bad i almost am scared to go back to working in social services because I am scared if I meet someone attractive that I have a lot in common I could have an affair and I never had an affair.

 

If i could stop these thoughts things would be ok.

[jjgitties]

#1 - why are you calling your wife stupid? So you have a BA is Psych and Sociology. (BTW those are not majors to brag about). There are a gazillion people out there who have a undergrad BA in those subjects. They are far from qualified to be sociologists or psychologists. It's just a BA. Don't call her names or be derogatory towards her.

 

#2 - It sounds like you are not "in love" with your wife. You are just "with her" because you have been dating for a long time and wound up getting married. BTW, that is perfectly fine. Not everyone gets to marry and hook up with their "soul mate". I have heard that in some marriages you learn to become the "soul mate" of the other person.

 

Anyways, dont have children. Children are not going to magically fix what is going on in your head. If you want the marriage to work out, what you could do is focus on the bright things and the good things in your life. i.e. You are not alone. You have a wife. You don't take on all the financial burdens of adult life on your own, you split it with another person. yadda yadda.

 

You could also just say,**** it, and tell her you don't want to be married anymore and move on and try to find something or someone else that makes you happy.

 

Bottom line, its your life. You get to do what you want with it. You are also responsible for finding your own happiness. Don't expect other people to made you happy. It all comes from within.

[SaveYourHeart]

^^^ Everything that jjgitties said

 

You need to make up your mind, it's not fair to her for you to keep wasting her life.

[Quiet Storms]

My wife loves me very much she is 39 and wants kids and I feel a lot of guilt because i am leaning out of the marriage but have not had the guts to get a divorce.

 

Find the guts to get a divorce, because she is running out of time while staying with you. And she deserves to have children and have a happy marriage which she doesn't have with you. Be a man and let her go.

 

I suspect the truth is that it's really not about her. It's more about you fearing to leave her rather than you staying out of concern for her.

 

At the worst at times I called her stupid and retarded which may be verbal abuse and I am not proud of it.

 

Not "MAY be verbal abuse". It IS verbal abuse, and it is inexcusable.

 

BTW, a lot of times this kind of name-calling is merely projection (meaning that you feel you are actually the stupid and retarded one but you don't have the ability to deal with it, so you project it onto her).

 

I am hard on her because she is not the smartest person in the world and only has high school education after getting G.E.D. a couple years ago witch I am proud of her.

 

Level of education frequently has nothing to do with intelligence. I also am not sure why you said you are hard on her and proud of her in the same sentence. And BTW, it's "which" not "witch". Just making your point for you...

 

I have more life experience i was in the military I have bachelors in psychology and sociology.

 

As was pointed out before, having a BA in those subjects doesn't make you highly educated. Not insulting you; it's just a fact that you should realize. Most anyone can get a BA in those subjects. I think you should re-evaluate your thinking because you are not 'better' than your wife.

 

But left career three years ago due to depression mainly about relationship and health issues with me and wife. So now I am 37 working for uber sometimes to depressed to even work and my wife works in a care giving role for 16 years. She is not happy with her job wants to go to school but some of her goals may not be realistic.

 

It sounds like your wife has a great job. Caregiver for 16 years? She has earned an incredible amount of experience and has learned empathy for others in that role. Something that you might learn from her!

 

She should go for her goals. I am sure that, if she puts her mind to it, she can achieve them.

 

Last year I moved out of our apartment and got a studio for four months I did not date and I reflected and ended up moving back in because i felt I missed her and when I came back i felt I was back in the same train of thought and doubt that made me leave.

 

I'm sorry, but for her sake it's too bad that you decided to come back. You both would have been better off to go your separate ways and pursue your separate goals/dreams.

 

I One of the major issues I have is my wife has no confidence she is shy and timid and when I see stronger women it makes me want to give up and find someone else.

 

Perhaps she has no confidence because you have eroded it over the years by calling her 'stupid' and 'retarded'.

 

The thing that keeps me staying is the guilt and the terror of leaving my wife who is 39 without children and it being my fault. I am 37. I did not want to be the husband that leaves wife for someone younger I am not sure how I can gather the strength to leave and break her heart but I feel staying is worse she just does not know it.

 

I doubt that you would break her heart, at least not for long. Overall I am sure she would do better if you leave her. Give her a chance to live her life, which she isn't doing now.

 

I am not sure why you think you can get someone younger. Maybe you will, but maybe you won't. I'm 52 and I wouldn't date you. Just stating a fact - something to think about. What qualities do you have that you think you can get someone "better"? Maybe you do; they aren't coming out in your posts, though, so it might be worth pondering.

 

Should I stay or should I go.

 

My vote: You should go.

[Torn2015]

i have really bad anxiety I am diagnosed with it, may have OCD and I am diagnosed with a mood disorder ao I am not sure if that is why I have trouble making up my mind. I had a very chaotic life and my wife is the first normal person I was ever with that was truly king and has a heart of gold. I am not sure if I miss the chaos in my life my chaotic childhood and partying twenties.

 

I am very stupid for getting a degree in psychology and sociology I am an artist but I am to dumb to do what I really wanted which was art teacher or architect and I was to dumb to pass college algebra. I am of average intelligence my wife says some dumb things I want to get over it. She needs a lot of help like advocating I am her advocate a lot when it comes to talking to doctors and insurance companies because she does not understand how some things work although she learned a lot from me and is becoming more independent in doing things on her own like applying for medical insurance.

 

sometimes when i cant make up my mind I wish she would leave but I am not sure she will.

 

I feel the good thing to do is be happy with what I got and enjoy life but it feels like we are stuck.

 

We do not drink but maybe if I got really drunk I would make a better decision.

[Torn2015]

quiet storms thank you for your honesty there is more to me than these post but I did not spend the time I should have in explaining everything.

 

I plan on doing whats best for my spouse and that my be leaving her.

 

I am truly broken hearted things ended up like this and I may not meet anyone as nice as my spouse I also remember being called stupid when I was younger and it made me try harder maybe I was trying to help my spouse but I came about it the wrong way.

 

I know I have to make up my mind very soon and I do feel I am doing it for my wife now and for me in the long run.

 

I wish we could figure out but it is not looking good.

[BaileyB]

My wife loves me very much she is 39 and wants kids.

 

Neither one of us has cheated and there is no physical abuse. At the worst at times I called her stupid and retarded which may be verbal abuse and I am not proud of it. . I am hard on her because she is not the smartest person in the world and only has high school education. I have more life experience i was in the military I have bachelors in psychology and sociology.

 

One of the major issues I have is my wife has no confidence she is shy and timid and when I see stronger women it makes me want to give up and find someone else.

 

The thing that keeps me staying is the guilt and the terror of leaving my wife who is 39 without children and it being my fault. I am 37. I did not want to be the husband that leaves wife for someone younger I am not sure how I can gather the strength to leave.

 

Should I stay or should I go.

 

A few thoughts... I haven't even read the other responses because I felt so strongly about replying to your post. Fair warning, this will be tough love.

 

First, calling your wife "stupid," or a "retard," or "not the smartest person in the world" is absolutely emotional abuse. Make no doubt about that. And, if you have a bachelors degree in psychology and sociology, you should definitely know that.

 

Maybe the reason why she is shy, timid, and "not strong" is because her husband, the man who is supposed to love and support her above all else, is calling her names and telling her that she is stupid?

 

Then, saying that neither of you have cheated and there is no physical abuse in your home is setting a very low bar.

 

You have waited so long to have children that you have probably taken the option away from your wife. Even if you did separate and she was to meet someone else, it's unlikely at her age that she will have a child and if she does, it will be a very high risk pregnancy.

 

You don't want to be with this woman, but you don't have the courage or strength of character to make a decision and tell her. If you don't want to be married to this woman anymore, if you want to live separately, you owe it to her at the very least to be honest.

 

Your marriage sounds very unhappy. My vote - I think you should separate - only because your wife deserves someone who will treat her with respect and kindness, and love her the way she deserves to be loved.

Edited May 16, 2017 by BaileyB

[whichwayisup]

Are you on meds? And doing one on one counseling?

 

At the worst at times I called her stupid and retarded which may be verbal abuse and I am not proud of it. . I am hard on her because she is not the smartest person in the world and only has high school education after getting G.E.D. a couple years ago witch I am proud of her.

 

Which. Just sayin'...

 

You and your wife are very different people and it seems like neither of you are happy in this marriage. Especially you. I don't think you're in love with your wife (anymore) and you two need to have a real honest conversation.

 

Please don't stay out of obligation or try to bring a child in this marriage. It won't help, if anything it'll bring more stress and problems.

[BaileyB]

sometimes when i cant make up my mind I wish she would leave but I am not sure she will.

 

We do not drink but maybe if I got really drunk I would make a better decision.

 

Truly, I'm very sorry that you are struggling with some mental health issues and unhappy in your marriage. But seriously, this is some REALLY BAD decision making.

 

If you are unhappy and you want to leave your marriage, then make the decision. Don't flip flop and string her along with the thought, the hope, that she will make the decision for you. That's just not fair to her.

 

And, drinking and getting drunk isn't going to help you to make a decision. It will just create a world of new problems in your marriage.

 

You are looking to find the easy way out of making this decision. There is no easy way. You have a responsibility and an obligation to yourself and this woman to make a decision. Own that.

 

But whatever you decide, don't bring a child into an unhealthy marriage when you have one foot out the door. That's not fair to the child.

[Torn2015]

thank you for your comments I am glad you guys are being blunt. I do not call my wife those names all the time but I did a couple times when I was upset and there is no excuse. My wife was shy when I met her it did not bother me especial because I talk a lot and kept the conversation going. Bothers me now after I ran out of stuff to talk about.

 

I understand I did not make things better but i also am very caring for my wife and do a lot of kind actions.

 

I am very sleepy and falling asleep but I plan to have spouse come to therapy with me to work through why we are having trouble separating. And I am going to be strong and make the best decision for spouse so she is successful and I can worry about me later.

[jjgitties]

Based on what you have written. It seems to be you have two separate issues. A medical issue. And it might be affecting your relationship with your wife. The good thing about medical issues is they can be treated with the right medicine(s). Try to get the medical issues sorted out. I think it will help your marriage.

[Torn2015]

thank you again I really need to get off of here I am falling asleep but I would never have a child in this situation.

 

Also we have not had sex in one year. One main reason is my wife does not want to sleep with me after how I treated her and I respect that so no worrys of bringing a child into this world.

 

I just started therapy again because if the indecisiveness and I plan on making a move in a couple weeks and I talk about all this stuff I am talking on here with my wife we have mulled it all over for to long and we are close to making a decision.

[Torn2015]

i have been on meds for 12 years and seen a psychiatrist every three months for the past 12 years to check meds and how I am doing. I see therapist once in awhile but a good therapist is hard to find.

 

Do you think its better to move out while I am fixing myself and if me and wife decide to keep trying we can go to couples therapy while living separate and take it very slow and maybe not move back together for a year until we were 100 percent certian. Also both knowing we may never get back together.

 

thanks for help and I am sorry if my post do not have much substance I am tired and was busy all day so I did not give my undivided attention to these post they sound crazy but maybe thats good because our relationship has been disfunctional. Its mostly my fault I am not the manliest man I want my wife to be empowered I want things to be 50 50 I am not in charge but I do not want to be. Maybe my wife is more traditional and wants a traditional husband to fill the husbands role.