Should we live in separate apartments?

[Torn2015]

I am not sure I put enough information on here for people to be able to make a good decision on my situation. I put some of the worse things like my verbal abuse towards wife that I know is bad but also I feel it was in a grey area I know it hurt her but I can count the number of times I called her those words in 6 years less than ten fingers. Just explaining its not a daily or weekly thing. Other times I may have been mean or harsh I was trying to push her to be stronger and may have taken the wrong approach and I should have been more caring numerous times.

 

The thing is my wife is a wonderful person and that is why I am torn. My wife has zero family in this country her only family member in this country passed away after we met and it crushed her. I am the only person she has had for the past four years. Plus I am not close with my family I am close to my grandparents and they live a couple of states away so we are kind of isolated. A lot of her good friends that have been in this country have slowly been going back to Europe because type of career they have in this country pays 50 percent less than it did 15 years ago.

 

Has anyone ever had to leave someone that would be so alone ? Leave a women alone in a big city by herself. I feel obligated even if I do leave to help her as much as I can with boundaries.

 

But that being said I still dont know how I can leave her I care for her I wish things were better but this relationship may be broke. I was never stringing her along I was always open she did not want to end relationship she only recently started to see that maybe its not working.

 

The only thing I can think of is to keep talking to her she said she would come with me to talk to a new therapist I started seeing on Wed. and maybe I can extend our lease one month to give us more time our lease is up June 30th. And we need to give one month notice.

[Torn2015]

Then, saying that neither of you have cheated and there is no physical abuse in your home is setting a very low bar.

 

 

I was trying to say that in couples therapy or any therapist they are not suppose to say you should leave your spouse unless there is physical abuse. Sometimes when I wish a professional would be like someone on here or a friend which I do not have many at this time in my life, I wish a therapist would just say you need to break up but they stop right before that because they are afraid to say that and it may be against protocol.

 

This is a hard situation me and my wife are good people we are not like the people you see on jerry springer we live healthy lifestyles the only problem ONLY is our relationship maybe I am the type that does not want to give up. The biggest thing that is making me think I need to leave is how I have treated her, and our age to give her one more chance to meet a nice guy. But we both keep thinking what if we can fix it even talking last night we just do not get anywhere its like one of us needs to pull the bandaid off and I guess it will be me but in all actuality I am the weaker person but I will do it if I have to.

[Torn2015]

well for the people telling me to find the guts to move out I love the straight forward advice but I wish it was coming from a friend or family member.

 

I dont want to leave my wife because someone on the internet told me to leave. I have to make the decision myself and I am not sure this site can help therefore I am going to try and stop checking this thread but thank you everyone for advice. I am not going to be on here anymore. maybe once but thats it.

 

I feel you need to be careful about the advice you take online I am a critical thinker but i am afraid someone here might take the wrong advice. I cant let a thread on here dictate my decision but I will let it help me think harder about some things.

 

ciao

[Quiet Storms]

well for the people telling me to find the guts to move out I love the straight forward advice but I wish it was coming from a friend or family member.

 

Then ask a friend or family member.

 

Frankly, I think that you just don't like the answers that you have heard here, so your tendency is to kill the messenger. Just my opinion, right or wrong.

 

I dont want to leave my wife because someone on the internet told me to leave.

 

And you shouldn't. Of course, people who don't know you except for a single, by-definition one-sided post on an internet forum should not be your deciding factor. But some people want or need objective opinions to add to everything else they have accumulated in terms of information about what they should do - so they may value a somewhat objective opinion from a site like this from people who have been through similar situations. In that case, it can be beneficial.

 

Best of luck.

[Torn2015]

 

You don't want to be with this woman, but you don't have the courage or strength of character to make a decision and tell her. If you don't want to be married to this woman anymore, if you want to live separately, you owe it to her at the very least to be honest.

 

 

I told her about three years ago I was having trouble in or marriage and I have been honest ever since. I am not sure why my wife has not left me she cares for me and maybe she thinks this is because of my severe general anxiety and a mood disorder that I have. Maybe she thinks I will change but I told her I am not even sure if the reason I think about getting a divorce and think there is something else out there for me is due to my mental illness. I truly am not sure and therapist have not been able to help.

 

I have always been on the go I joined the navy without much thought when I was 18 after the navy I cam home was bored joined the coast guard. I liked the adventure and now i am stuck. 3 years ago I had a problem where a bone in my foot died and I cannot stand for long and this has made me depressed I am not sure what effect that had on my marriage because we can not go hiking together like we use to or bike riding, I am well aware if I leave my wife no one will want to be with a hot mess like me. Sometimes I feel like I am choosing my wife or a life alone.

 

Now sometimes I just have thoughts about moving to another county and starting a new life. is that normal is it my mental illness or is it because of my personality and not liking to know my future. Maybe I was not meant for marriage but can I cognitively change the way I have been thinking and save my marriage? I go back and forth back and forth I am not intentionally trying to hurt my wife i am in pain also.

[stillafool]

my spouse never comes up with creative ways to fix relationship she may be burned out from me and work.

 

 

What creative ways have you come up with the fix the relationship?

 

Also don't assume if you leave your wife that is the end of her life. It may just be the beginning. 39 is not that old and the people she works with will probably befriend her and introduce her to other people.

[BaileyB]

What creative ways have you come up with the fix the relationship?

 

Also don't assume if you leave your wife that is the end of her life. It may just be the beginning. 39 is not that old and the people she works with will probably befriend her and introduce her to other people.

 

There are plenty of divorced men out there who have left stale and sexless marriages - they would be very happy to find a loving, caring, and devoted woman hoping to find a new partner. Trust me, I speak from experience.

 

She will be unhappy when you separate, but don't think that her life will end without you. She may well move on to find happiness in another relationship. Perhaps, you will too.

Edited May 16, 2017 by BaileyB