Lovemy3kids Posted May 15, 2017 Posted May 15, 2017 Hello everyone...I'm so grateful to have this space to read and learn from others experiences. We have been married 25 years. I am 47, he is 16 years older. We tried to have children when we were first married, had fertility treatments but nothing worked. We decided to become foster parents in 2006. By 2007 had a newborn placement that we eventually adopted when he was 5 along with his younger sister. We also adopted another little girl 2 years ago. So our children are 9,8, and 4 years old. I have had some health issues including premature menopause and thyroid cancer which was fortunately caught early. I am a stay at home mom as my kids have some special needs. I also have hearing loss which resulted in tinnitus and really sent me into a bout of anxiety and depression about 2 years ago. I did find a med that helped with that and have been taking it for over a year. We purchased a house in Feb. Last month he informed me that if I did not change right away he was "out". He said I needed to show him more "affection" and I needed to cook more. Admittedly I do not like to cook. It is what he does for a living and he had been bringing dinner home with him forever or cooking when he got home at 3 everyday. It seemed to not be an issue... Affection...well that's an issue. We hadn't had "affection " in a long time. Partly because my desire is greatly reduced. Partly because with 3 kids and him going to bed at 7pm every night and me staying up late with one child who does not like to go to sleep, well not a good recipe. I get it. So, exactly one week after his ultimatum, right before Easter I was sick as a dog with bronchitis, two kids were sick also, and he tells me That's it, I've had it, I'm out of here, I'm done! Ok... I cried, I tried to talk to him, he just would yell at me how I've been so awful to him for years and he's not taking it anymore. He said when he's leaving I would be the first to know. He would come home from work, not talk to me, and constantly be checking his texts. Hmmm... Last week I had had it. When everyone was asleep I snuck his phone and read his texts. He is involved with someone else. He had drained our accounts and given her money. She has children also and it seems does not have a place to stay. He talked about helping her move. He took my youngest daughter to meet them one day. He got her a job where he works. He made a plan to get himself a diff job within the dept to make more money to be able to leave me. He caught me when I went to put the phone back and was furious. All about how I'm a sicko and invaded his privacy and he should have left me years ago when he wanted to (last time was in 2001). Left the house. Surprisingly he came back the next day after work and acted like I never read what I saw. But still hardly talking to me and started sleeping on couch. Two days later I sent him a text that said if he is involved with someone else he cannot stay here. He never replied. That night I made him read it in front of me and he threw stuff into bags and left in front of kids telling them I was kicking him out. He came back an hour later. Told the kids he was not leaving them . Basically just sleeping here and that's it. I got a letter from his lawyer stating he wants a separation. I saw an attorney myself and will be paying the retainer tomorrow. He worked literally all weekend (his job is M-F) and only came here to sleep on couch. Kids are of course very much affected by his disappearing act and my oldest is sleeping in my bed while my middle sleeps on the couch with him. I do not believe he is working all those hours of course . He told my son he is not leaving because this is his house (?) It is OUR house. I stay in my room when he is here and do not talk to him. I email him if I have something to communicate regarding kids . He just finally responded today by only saying he's working til 9 tonight (lie I'm sure) . I have the woman's phone number and really want to say something to her. Not sure if that's wise though. Would love to also tell his boss since they now work together. I did tell some of his family. Anyway, any words of wisdom for me? I don't want to lose the house but not sure if that's even possible. I'm not devastated, just worried about my kids and finances and very , very angry right now. Thanks if you have gotten this far!
d0nnivain Posted May 15, 2017 Posted May 15, 2017 Get a good lawyer & do not drag your personal drama to his boss. It will only make you look unhinged.
SaveYourHeart Posted May 16, 2017 Posted May 16, 2017 You're keeping it together really well, you should be proud of yourself. Good job getting a lawyer. I'd go ahead and pull the phone records to see how long this affair has been going on, keep the mistress's number so that when the time comes, she can be deposed and testify in court (this may help with child support and alimony). Focus on finding yourself again. This transition will be hard. I thought this quote might speak to you : "Some women fear the fire, some women simply become it" - R.H. Sin Become the fire darling. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers. 4
BaileyB Posted May 16, 2017 Posted May 16, 2017 Get a good lawyer. Do not leave the house. Get some counselling for you and your children. I'm so sorry for your pain. It doesn't seem that the relationship will be repaired. He has made his choice and now, he will deal with the consequences of his decisions. It's time to be the mama bear and take care of yourself and your children. Best wishes. 2
Mrs. John Adams Posted May 16, 2017 Posted May 16, 2017 I agree with the others. Get a lawyer...stay in the home and ask him to leave. Dont contact his boss....and dont contact the other woman. Simply kick him out and tell him he will hear from your lawyer. Be sure you get all of your financial records to take with you to the lawyer. Especially since he has given much of your money to the ow. I am really sorry about this. But listen....you have not had a good marriage for a long time....and your life seems to be your children. I dont think he has contributed to you emotionally for a long time...and with all of your health issues he should be supportive not combative. Good luck 2
deadsoul Posted May 16, 2017 Posted May 16, 2017 I'm sorry you're going through this, but I agree with the others. I don't have anything new to add... 2
understand50 Posted May 16, 2017 Posted May 16, 2017 There are times, when the best and really only thing to do is divorce. There just is not anything there. You will get though this, things will get better. I wish you luck.. 3
whichwayisup Posted May 16, 2017 Posted May 16, 2017 File for divorce and document everything! Your husband is selfish and cruel. You and your children deserve better. 2
somanymistakes Posted May 16, 2017 Posted May 16, 2017 Protect yourself and your kids, focus on that right now. You need a lawyer looking after your assets and defending them and your future. Don't expend your energy talking to his boss, don't even waste it on him if you can help it. I'm sorry this is happening to you. 3
Author Lovemy3kids Posted May 17, 2017 Author Posted May 17, 2017 My husband of 25 years is wanting to separate. He's involved with someone else. We have three children. He "works" every day and only comes here to sleep on the couch or to go to my sons games. We both have lawyers. How do you manage NC when the spouse who desires the separation won't leave? I told him 2 weeks ago that if he was involved with someone else he had to leave. He was gone for maybe 2 hours and came back telling my kids he's not leaving them and has slept on the couch ever since.
PegNosePete Posted May 17, 2017 Posted May 17, 2017 You can't force someone to leave the marital house against their will. He has a legal right to live there just as much as you do. Cheating does not affect this legal right. His lawyer has probably told him this, and also told him that it's a bad idea for him to leave. Unfortunately the only thing you can do is to proceed with the divorce as quickly as possible and get a financial ruling made as soon as possible, that deals with the house and all other marital property. Then you will be able to get him out (or he will be able to get you out, depending how the ruling goes). In the meantime it's pretty much impossible to do total NC. But then it's pretty impossible to do NC when there's a kid involved anyway. You will ALWAYS have to have contact with him regarding child arrangements. The best thing to do is to ONLY talk about child arrangements. Don't engage in conversation, chit chat, or arguments. It is tempting to just say "talk to my lawyer" whenever he opens his mouth but if you can resolve some financial issues yourself then you will save on lawyer fees. This isn't always possible though, it depends on you both being pragmatic and having common sense, which is often lacking in these situations... 1
preraph Posted May 17, 2017 Posted May 17, 2017 You get the house with the kids one week (same house) and he lives there the next and then you have another apartment where the other stays. The kids stay stable and aren't having to be carted around. Once one of you gets a new spouse, then decisions have to be made but this will work while you're both single. 2
alsudduth Posted May 17, 2017 Posted May 17, 2017 You get the house with the kids one week (same house) and he lives there the next and then you have another apartment where the other stays. The kids stay stable and aren't having to be carted around. Once one of you gets a new spouse, then decisions have to be made but this will work while you're both single. This is what my H and I have discussed doing if ever we decide to divorce. Recommended by our counselor...it makes so much sense that the kids not have to leave their home every other week.
Titanll Posted May 17, 2017 Posted May 17, 2017 Retain your lawyer. File for divorce if that's what you want. The grounds can be adultery. It's very hard to prove adultery but reasonableness comes into play here. Courts will strongly favor your side for many reasons. Your lawyer will be, of course, the one to talk to about custody and property distribution.
Mrs. John Adams Posted May 17, 2017 Posted May 17, 2017 You get the house with the kids one week (same house) and he lives there the next and then you have another apartment where the other stays. The kids stay stable and aren't having to be carted around. Once one of you gets a new spouse, then decisions have to be made but this will work while you're both single. What a great idea! 1
aliveagain Posted May 17, 2017 Posted May 17, 2017 Is there a reason you don't just file, separations we all know are about trying out the affair partner without the guilt of cheating while you wait in the back up position if things don't work out. Read up on the "180" and make it your new mantra. Get the best lawyer you can afford, listen to him. The reason he's not pushing for divorce is he's probably been told by his lawyer how poor he will be supporting you, your children, the other woman and two households. 2
wmacbride Posted May 17, 2017 Posted May 17, 2017 Hello everyone...I'm so grateful to have this space to read and learn from others experiences. We have been married 25 years. I am 47, he is 16 years older. We tried to have children when we were first married, had fertility treatments but nothing worked. We decided to become foster parents in 2006. By 2007 had a newborn placement that we eventually adopted when he was 5 along with his younger sister. We also adopted another little girl 2 years ago. So our children are 9,8, and 4 years old. I have had some health issues including premature menopause and thyroid cancer which was fortunately caught early. I am a stay at home mom as my kids have some special needs. I also have hearing loss which resulted in tinnitus and really sent me into a bout of anxiety and depression about 2 years ago. I did find a med that helped with that and have been taking it for over a year. We purchased a house in Feb. Last month he informed me that if I did not change right away he was "out". He said I needed to show him more "affection" and I needed to cook more. Admittedly I do not like to cook. It is what he does for a living and he had been bringing dinner home with him forever or cooking when he got home at 3 everyday. It seemed to not be an issue... Affection...well that's an issue. We hadn't had "affection " in a long time. Partly because my desire is greatly reduced. Partly because with 3 kids and him going to bed at 7pm every night and me staying up late with one child who does not like to go to sleep, well not a good recipe. I get it. So, exactly one week after his ultimatum, right before Easter I was sick as a dog with bronchitis, two kids were sick also, and he tells me That's it, I've had it, I'm out of here, I'm done! Ok... I cried, I tried to talk to him, he just would yell at me how I've been so awful to him for years and he's not taking it anymore. He said when he's leaving I would be the first to know. He would come home from work, not talk to me, and constantly be checking his texts. Hmmm... Last week I had had it. When everyone was asleep I snuck his phone and read his texts. He is involved with someone else. He had drained our accounts and given her money. She has children also and it seems does not have a place to stay. He talked about helping her move. He took my youngest daughter to meet them one day. He got her a job where he works. He made a plan to get himself a diff job within the dept to make more money to be able to leave me. He caught me when I went to put the phone back and was furious. All about how I'm a sicko and invaded his privacy and he should have left me years ago when he wanted to (last time was in 2001). Left the house. Surprisingly he came back the next day after work and acted like I never read what I saw. But still hardly talking to me and started sleeping on couch. Two days later I sent him a text that said if he is involved with someone else he cannot stay here. He never replied. That night I made him read it in front of me and he threw stuff into bags and left in front of kids telling them I was kicking him out. He came back an hour later. Told the kids he was not leaving them . Basically just sleeping here and that's it. I got a letter from his lawyer stating he wants a separation. I saw an attorney myself and will be paying the retainer tomorrow. He worked literally all weekend (his job is M-F) and only came here to sleep on couch. Kids are of course very much affected by his disappearing act and my oldest is sleeping in my bed while my middle sleeps on the couch with him. I do not believe he is working all those hours of course . He told my son he is not leaving because this is his house (?) It is OUR house. I stay in my room when he is here and do not talk to him. I email him if I have something to communicate regarding kids . He just finally responded today by only saying he's working til 9 tonight (lie I'm sure) . I have the woman's phone number and really want to say something to her. Not sure if that's wise though. Would love to also tell his boss since they now work together. I did tell some of his family. Anyway, any words of wisdom for me? I don't want to lose the house but not sure if that's even possible. I'm not devastated, just worried about my kids and finances and very , very angry right now. Thanks if you have gotten this far! I'm so sorry to hear about the issues you've been having. Sounds like your husband is following the typical cheater script, full of crappy cheater speak. Don't pay any attention to him I am glad to see you are seeking legal representation. I would ask him about suing his ow to have the money he gave her returned to your family, as she had zero business asking him for it, and he had even less giving it to her. Right now you can not trust this man to put your children's best interests at heart. I'm a mom of three too, and all of mine are special needs. They thrive on continuity and structure, and right now, your husband can't give them that. Whatever else you do, DO NOT blame yourself for this. Just cause he can't keep mr. johnston in his pants doesn't mean you did anything wrong. His complaints now are just to salve his conscience. Also, don't contact his ow. She simply doesn't give a flying fig about you, and nothing you say or do will change that. She sounds like a gold digger, and one has to wonder what she is doing in return for the money he's giving her. I hope it's that and not that it's not him taking advantage of a woman in crisis ( you indicate she's homeless) as that would make him even lower a worm than he is now. 1
wmacbride Posted May 17, 2017 Posted May 17, 2017 My husband of 25 years is wanting to separate. He's involved with someone else. We have three children. He "works" every day and only comes here to sleep on the couch or to go to my sons games. We both have lawyers. How do you manage NC when the spouse who desires the separation won't leave? I told him 2 weeks ago that if he was involved with someone else he had to leave. He was gone for maybe 2 hours and came back telling my kids he's not leaving them and has slept on the couch ever since. What does your lawyer say about this?
Author Lovemy3kids Posted May 18, 2017 Author Posted May 18, 2017 My lawyer says right now it is his house also and because finances are tight it's financially the most responsible thing for us both to be in the house and be civil to one another.
Mrs. John Adams Posted May 18, 2017 Posted May 18, 2017 It is possible to live in the same house together seperately. People do it all the time. It is certainly complicated. If he is only coming home to sleep on the sofa and attend your sons games...it doesn't sound like he is trying to really be a part of your life. It sounds to me like he is still trying to be a good father. I will agree that it would be easier for you if he left....but You need to follow your lawyers instructions...thats what you are paying him for. By the way...NC is not for married husbands and wives....NC is for waywards and their AP. You dont need to maintain NC...so I am not sure what you are even searching for. You may WANT to have no contact...but with three children...this man will always be a part of your life...like it or not. I wish he would leave....for your sake....but it doesn't sound like he will.
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