Saw Ex-wife after a year and a half, mixed messages?

[Legalised]

After almost 8 years of marriage (14 years together), my wife and I separated due to what I think was lack of communication, it was not an easy separation as I was under severe depression and it seemed at the time she didn't want to commit to someone in that situation, but I don't wan't to get too much into that, bottom line is, we both did things that bothered each other and failed to discussed them at the appropriate time.

 

The separation was really rough, I loved her very much, and I'm sure she loved me back, but it seemed that we weren't on the right page emotionally and were we wanted to go as a couple. Eventually I asked for divorce after she left the house one morning, waking me up saying that she wished the best for me, she contacted me that same day to work things our but a huge fight enused that sent me to the hospital. That was the breaking point.

 

Initially she told me that she did not want to divorce, but after 3 months separated, we met up again to try and work things out, she seemed really happy and we both started imposing conditions for getting back together, ath which point we decided we were better off with the divorce.

 

I had no contact with her after that except for the divorce filings, she contacted me about 8 months ago but I wasn't in a mental state to see her again, so I acted very cold and distant.

 

After a year and a half, I reflected a lot on our marriage, on what we both did right and wrong, and couldn't stand the though of not reaching out to her to see if there was any hope for getting back together (i still love her, very much). I'd rather cope with rejection than not acting on what I felt.

 

So I contacted her about three weeks ago via mail, we had a great conversation, she seemed very happy to hear from me again. I suggested we meet for coffee and we did, and it was great.

 

After that we spent a week exchanging messages and flirting, then I decided to ask her out again, she agreed but immediately the exchange in communication dropped, although she still agreed to go out.

 

Last Sunday I took her to an art gallery and then lunch, we had a great time.

 

I always though being direct is better for everyone, so after we finished lunch she invited me to her apartment so I could call a cab from there, I told her that I've thought about what happened with us, and that i'd tried to be as obvious as I could when I contacted her and that I though we had something really great.

 

She replied by saying that she though that we had something really really great, she isn't seeing anyone but she's very happy right now and has no intention of getting into a relationship, but that doesn't mean we couldn't get together in the future, that she'd like us to remain friends, I told her that It was very difficult for me to see her as a friend after 15 years, and she understood.

 

I took that as the last nail in the coffin for any hope of getting back together, I honestly don't know if she said that not to be rude and make me feel bad, or if she really thinks we may have another go at a later time.

 

I felt devastated regardless.

 

That same day at night she texted me literally "Hey, I had an incredible time with you today, thank you for your straighforwardness I really appreciate it... I love you very much".

 

I know that I should probably be on my way and forget about her, but that last interaction left me with all kind of doubts about what she wants, was it just courtesy? does she want something else?

 

I'm losing my mind

[somuchfortheone]

After almost 8 years of marriage (14 years together), my wife and I separated due to what I think was lack of communication, it was not an easy separation as I was under severe depression and it seemed at the time she didn't want to commit to someone in that situation, but I don't wan't to get too much into that, bottom line is, we both did things that bothered each other and failed to discussed them at the appropriate time.

 

The separation was really rough, I loved her very much, and I'm sure she loved me back, but it seemed that we weren't on the right page emotionally and were we wanted to go as a couple. Eventually I asked for divorce after she left the house one morning, waking me up saying that she wished the best for me, she contacted me that same day to work things our but a huge fight enused that sent me to the hospital. That was the breaking point.

 

Initially she told me that she did not want to divorce, but after 3 months separated, we met up again to try and work things out, she seemed really happy and we both started imposing conditions for getting back together, ath which point we decided we were better off with the divorce.

 

I had no contact with her after that except for the divorce filings, she contacted me about 8 months ago but I wasn't in a mental state to see her again, so I acted very cold and distant.

 

After a year and a half, I reflected a lot on our marriage, on what we both did right and wrong, and couldn't stand the though of not reaching out to her to see if there was any hope for getting back together (i still love her, very much). I'd rather cope with rejection than not acting on what I felt.

 

So I contacted her about three weeks ago via mail, we had a great conversation, she seemed very happy to hear from me again. I suggested we meet for coffee and we did, and it was great.

 

After that we spent a week exchanging messages and flirting, then I decided to ask her out again, she agreed but immediately the exchange in communication dropped, although she still agreed to go out.

 

Last Sunday I took her to an art gallery and then lunch, we had a great time.

 

I always though being direct is better for everyone, so after we finished lunch she invited me to her apartment so I could call a cab from there, I told her that I've thought about what happened with us, and that i'd tried to be as obvious as I could when I contacted her and that I though we had something really great.

 

She replied by saying that she though that we had something really really great, she isn't seeing anyone but she's very happy right now and has no intention of getting into a relationship, but that doesn't mean we couldn't get together in the future, that she'd like us to remain friends, I told her that It was very difficult for me to see her as a friend after 15 years, and she understood.

 

I took that as the last nail in the coffin for any hope of getting back together, I honestly don't know if she said that not to be rude and make me feel bad, or if she really thinks we may have another go at a later time.

 

I felt devastated regardless.

 

That same day at night she texted me literally "Hey, I had an incredible time with you today, thank you for your straighforwardness I really appreciate it... I love you very much".

 

I know that I should probably be on my way and forget about her, but that last interaction left me with all kind of doubts about what she wants, was it just courtesy? does she want something else?

 

I'm losing my mind

 

 

My advice is to look at it as your conversation was planting a seed. I think she's being honest... I wouldn't get into your head so much. She'll replay that memory in her mind and consider it and when she sees you, if you're strong, happy, and y'all do have an amazing connection each time.. maybe one day she'll want your marriage again and think it could be better now that y'all can communicate. Or you can get in your head about it and get depressed again (which was a major problem in the marriage) and with her being your exwfie you can't hide that from her... and that will make her remember the bad times. I would just suggest keeping it light...happy... you planted the seed, told her how you felt.... just be friends... work on you and building a new connection with her. She may come back.. if not, you will attract someone. Don't get into the mind cycle... I know it all too well...I pray y'all reconcile...

[Harry_30]

My advice might seem a bit old fashioned but here it goes for what its worth...

 

Like you my divorce had a few similarities:

- we were together a decent period (7yrs)

- married for a stint

- no kids

- still very much love(d) my ex

- no adultery (well from my side at least)..

 

I am almost 1.5yrs NC and I would say this...

 

- don't go back to a well that won't quench your thirst! I am stereotyping here a little but I feel that if you're anything like me, the idea of something defeating you despite all your best efforts, is crushing to your self worth as well as your heart. I often think about how much I want it to work with my ex, but in truth, every day you aren't together is more pain you will have to overcome if you did get back together. Imagine being a couple again, and finding out how she has spent the time apart, you may be hurt to hear how she handled the breakup, you may not....

 

- the best way to mend a broken heart is.... SUCCESS! Ensuring all other aspects of your life are firing on all cylinders is the best way to deal with a failed relationship. It also means that when you do meet someone else you click with, you'll be in the best position to benefit from that opportunity. Leave the old relationship in the past, force yourself not to dwell on it, and if possible remove all traces of it from your life. As close as you were to this person, you hinder your ability to progress with your new life whilst they remain in it, however small their influence. The best thing you can both do for each other, is to let yourselves be truly free. When i married my ex i had decided when we got engaged that I wanted to be this woman's husband. I cannot go back to being her friend, because if I were to see her, I would only think about how it was her husband I wished to be. I'm fortunate to have a lot of friends, and not having her as one is tiny tiny loss compared to the opportunity of having a successful relationship with someone new.

 

I hope that challenges your thoughts on this ex partner, and I wish you well in your continued recovery!

 

All the best,

H