Me and GF are on a break [UPDATE We broke up]

[Marc878]

No one wants to be overwhelmed/smothered. Learn that for your next relationship

[d0nnivain]

Do NOTHING. I know that is really hard. But she has exams. They have to come first.

 

 

 

 

The day of her next exam send 1 text something like this

 

 

Hi beautiful. I know you have your ___ exam today. Fortunately you are as smart as you are gorgeous, inside & out. You don't need luck but I'

m

sending it to you anyway. Can't wait 'til your exams are over

so

we can spend some quality time together. [heart or kissy emoji]

 

Hopefully she will reach out for you in the interim.

Meanwhile make yourself a promise that you will limit your texting to 2 in the future. After her exams when you talk to her, tell her you will be dialing it back & make an effort to do so.

 

 

You are her BF, not her jailer. She has a life. It's wrong for you to text her 12 times in a row. It's also immature. In all seriousness, I sent my husband 7 texts & several voice messages in a row once, in the space of about 2 hours because my father had just been rushed to the emergency room with a brain aneurysm. Even then I felt guilty bugging DH in the middle of his work day while he was away at a conference but my world was falling apart because my dad was dying right in front of me. Short of that there is no need for multiple texts. She will get back to you. She likes you, remember? Stop trying to force it. If you can manage to sit back & let her come to you, it will be so much sweeter.

[SethDamien]

Thanks! you guys decoded my situation beautifully seeing it from her perspective.

 

But i do hope all is not lost.

 

As i said earlier:

 

She didn't say anything close to a break. All she asked was that I don't interrupt her at this moment. Yesterday was her exam, but another one is due next week. And their business has been needing a lot of quotations lately, and she's helping her mother do just that.

 

I just want to call her and apologize, then, step back for a while and evaluate myself.

 

If it doesn't end well, then i wont deny i deserve it.

[d0nnivain]

You have a shot at pulling this out if you simply calm down & back off. Do some soul searching to figure out why you are so insistent with her. It's not warranted. Are you afraid you will lose her if you're not all over 24/7? If so, learn to trust. Get some self confidence. But stop with the demands.

[SethDamien]

@d0nnivain, Good idea for a text, i'll just rephrase it as to not sound too mushy ...

 

And with what happened to your father, i still think 12 or more texts is justifiable! But in all seriousness, how's your father btw?

[SethDamien]

You have a shot at pulling this out if you simply calm down & back off. Do some soul searching to figure out why you are so insistent with her. It's not warranted. Are you afraid you will lose her if you're not all over 24/7? If so, learn to trust. Get some self confidence. But stop with the demands.

 

Yes, if you've read my posts and the reason i joined this forum in the first place was because my ex of 3 years dumped me, and it was a very ugly sight and lasted for about two years, i begged, wailed and everything i could imagine to keep her. After which i dated several girls to break the loneliness but i knew i was a wreck and only did it because i didn't have confidence in myself. Now, I finally met someone who I'm very keen to keep, and now i risk doing it all over again.

[d0nnivain]

And with what happened to your father, i still think 12 or more texts is justifiable! But in all seriousness, how's your father btw?

 

 

Thank you for your concern. Unfortunately my father died 5 days later from complications with the aneurysm.

 

 

I told you that story to illustrate what a life & death emergency really looks like. You wanting to talk to your GF before bed does not qualify.

 

 

What's wrong with mushy? If things are going well, a little mush might help. You do have to put the text into your own words but remember the point of that communique is to wish her well on her exams & show that you are a thoughtful BF.

[SethDamien]

Thank you for your concern. Unfortunately my father died 5 days later from complications with the aneurysm.

 

 

I told you that story to illustrate what a life & death emergency really looks like. You wanting to talk to your GF before bed does not qualify.

 

 

What's wrong with mushy? If things are going well, a little mush might help. You do have to put the text into your own words but remember the point of that communique is to wish her well on her exams & show that you are a thoughtful BF.

 

Sorry to hear that, but yes, i do get the gist of what you're saying.

 

not intending to blow my own horn, but i do express my care for her in helping her study sometimes as we have the same major. Its stinks knowing i cant help her this time because i'll just be a hindrance to her. But i'm sure sending her well wishes is just as good.

[doyathinkso]

Seth boy, you need to splash some cold water in your face.

 

You are not on a break .... she dumped you!

 

Dollars to doughnuts she spent last night riding the baloney-pony and it wasn't yours.

[SethDamien]

Seth boy, you need to splash some cold water in your face.

 

You are not on a break .... she dumped you!

 

Dollars to doughnuts she spent last night riding the baloney-pony and it wasn't yours.

 

Yeah, we're not on a break, she just asked me to lay low for a while.

 

Im not discrediting your assumptions though, only she could know what she did last night I like the way you mix words though!

[Redhead14]

We've been together for about 8 months now. But just this week, she's doesn't seem to respond to my calls anymore, so i began to worry. When confronted, she just says 'i dont want to talk' or 'im not in the mood', which just bothers me more.

 

Last night, she finally told me why she's been acting up; she felt she has no freedom with me - which is why she didn't want to answer my calls. I wondered because we only see each other about once or twice a week, and we only talk before going to bed. There's no third party, i can guarantee, but she did have problems at home where she also felt having no freedom from her parents.

 

I admit i have been controlling in our first two months because I've been trying to change her into someone she's not, probably as a knee-jerk reaction from my previous break-up whom i admit i still placed on a pedestal then. Now, i am no longer trying to change her as i see her as someone i love more than my Ex.

 

We've been really happy since then, but out of nowhere - this. She's 50/50 on breaking up... I want to tell her i don't care anymore since i haven't done anything to make her feel 'imprisoned' in our relationship.

 

what do you guys think?

 

Clearly, your insecurity is killing/has killed this relationship. You've been sabotaging it for some time. This thought process --break up with her before she breaks up with you, demonstrates it. This is an effort to control the situation rather than accept that you are not prepared to be in a relationship with anyone -- at least yet.

 

i haven't done anything to make her feel 'imprisoned' in our relationship. -- On the contrary - I admit i have been controlling in our first two months because I've been trying to change her into someone she's not.

 

You planted that seed very early in the relationship. And, it's not about how often you see each other or talk on the phone, it's your attitude, demeanor, general vibe, that comes across. YOU haven't changed. She knows it and feels it.

 

I want to tell her i don't care anymore since i haven't done anything to make her feel 'imprisoned' in our relationship. -- This is also a controlling and manipulative thought process. And, you have done something to make her feel "imprisoned" or she wouldn't be feeling that way. It's not for you to tell her how she feels and telling her that will solidify the fact that you are trying to control her. The first step to change is acknowledging and accepting that there's a problem. You gave it lip service up above, but evidence from her behavior indicates you really haven't embraced the need for change on your part.

 

Give her a ton of space and let her make the decision she wants/needs to make. You can break up with her first if you need to have control over the situation, which is another indicator that you haven't changed. Either way, this needs to end.

[SethDamien]

Yes, i overwhelmingly agree. I posted this thread out of desperation that i might lose her when in fact, i already knew what i was doing wrong. My pride made it look like i was the victim when in fact, i was the one acting like a d*ck.

 

Thanks Redhead, I texted her yesterday and i apologized about how i was being unfair, selfish, and controlling, and asked if we could meet after class. She said yes, so I picked her up after class and drove her home.

 

We had a normal conversation with some catching up. We acted same as usual, the only thing that differed is when i leaned towards her to give her a kiss goodnight, she just said "not now", smiled at me, and got off the car.

 

I'd say its a pretty good evening, but i know i still have some work to do to win her back.

 

Edit: I also said i wont interrupt her at this time as she's still thinking things through... but halfway along the ride, she invited me to join her family's picnic later this month, which should be a good sign.

Edited May 18, 2017 by SethDamien

[ExpatInItaly]

You're not on break and still technically her boyfriend but she won't permit you to give her a goodnight kiss - yet wants you to come to a family event?

 

That doesn't make sense. Be careful that she's not dangling that carrot just so that she doesn't have to show up solo at a family function.

 

This doesn't bode well, OP. I think you should mentally prepare for this to end.

[doyathinkso]

So who kisses their free Uber driver?

[Ronnys93]

You're not on break and still technically her boyfriend but she won't permit you to give her a goodnight kiss - yet wants you to come to a family event?

 

That doesn't make sense. Be careful that she's not dangling that carrot just so that she doesn't have to show up solo at a family function.

 

This doesn't bode well, OP. I think you should mentally prepare for this to end.

 

I would actually decline the invitation simply because she asked for space. Like who does that?

[d0nnivain]

If they normally kissed hello & goodbye once she allowed him to drive her home, it was not a good sign that she declined the kiss.

 

If things are normal again, there should be kissing. She may be playing with you Seth. Be careful but really back off until her exams are done.

[SethDamien]

You're not on break and still technically her boyfriend but she won't permit you to give her a goodnight kiss - yet wants you to come to a family event?

 

That doesn't make sense. Be careful that she's not dangling that carrot just so that she doesn't have to show up solo at a family function.

 

This doesn't bode well, OP. I think you should mentally prepare for this to end.

 

Why would showing up solo to a family event be a problem for her?

She's had 3 boyfriends btw and never once gave them the chance to meet her family. I'm the first she formally introduced.

 

And isn't it normal not to want to receive a kiss sometimes?

 

But I'm with you on the mental preparation bit. Well and good if she stays, otherwise, i should be prepared for the worst.

[Chi townD]

I did ask her what she wanted to happen. She just said she's still mulling over it... she said she doesn't want to make a decision she might regret later. All she asked was that i don't make contact with her for a while.

 

My spidey senses are going off. Sorry dude, but I think there''s another guy in the picture. But, I think she's unsure if this guy likes her the way that she likes him. Could explain why she doesn't want you to contact her. Hard to pursue this other guy if you're looking over her shoulder. Hard to explain getting a text from you while she's out on a date Therefore, she's keeping you on the hook and not completely ending it. If things work out with this other dude, she'll kick you to the curb in a minute. If things don't work out, well....she still has you. All of the sudden "Okay, breaks over! I love you again!"

 

And you can't get mad if you find out about this other dude because, "We were on a break! It's not my fault you didn't date while we were on a break!" Don't you love technicalities!!!!

[SpiralOut]

Also a valid point, what would you do?

 

How do i let her know i care for her without making her think that I'm desperate in keeping her, thus turning her off?

 

I know im in pain about this, but one cant help but laugh at that question.

 

What I would do (since you asked) is accept that the relationship is probably over and start focusing on other things in my life. I wouldn't have the patience to sit around waiting while someone decides if they want to be with me or not. I've been through that before, and I'll never do that again. I deserve better than being put on hold.

 

As for what you should do, ask yourself why you want to keep this relationship.

[ExpatInItaly]

Why would showing up solo to a family event be a problem for her?

She's had 3 boyfriends btw and never once gave them the chance to meet her family. I'm the first she formally introduced.

 

And isn't it normal not to want to receive a kiss sometimes?

But I'm with you on the mental preparation bit. Well and good if she stays, otherwise, i should be prepared for the worst.

 

From your own boyfriend, just to say goodnight? Not really, no. Especially when you two apparently aren't on a break.

 

And showing up solo to this family event would mean that she has to explain what happened to you, and sometimes people don't want to deal with questions from nosy relatives.

 

I hate to say it, but I tend to agree with others who are speculating that she may be testing out a new guy.

[SethDamien]

I posted a thread about http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/624253-me-gf-break. Well, just this night, she ended it.

 

She told me friendship is all that she could offer me. She told me she was no longer happy with me. So, i guess it's back to square one... but sh*t it hurts like hell.

 

She told me i was too dependent, not just on her but on everything else... that i didn't have a decision of my own, and i'm mostly feeling agitated.

 

Everything she said was right though. To be frank, i have had financial problems since the start of the year and I've been pretty much pinned down and relying on my parents for a while. My home-based consulting business isn't doing well these days. I basically used her as emotional support, and my social life's been in the dumps so she's the only one i could talk to.

 

She noticed i always look agitated, or conscious of my actions...

 

I want to show her a better version of myself, but I'm too distracted or depressed to do anything.

Edited May 25, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Threads merged ~6

[mightycpa]

Pass on the friendship for now. Sounds like you could stand to use your extra time to either find yourself a salesman, or someone who can fulfill your engagements. That's why God created partners.

 

It's tough to wear every hat unless you charge a boatload of money.

 

Also, it's a lot easier to be calm, decisive and independent when your butt hurts because of the big wad of cash you're sitting on.

[SethDamien]

Thanks mightycpa. I never had this kind of problem when i was still employed. But i never knew how a lack of money can affect one's mental state.

 

I was clearly depressed, and i brought her down with me, which made her unhappy too.

 

Im just saddened though, and sort of relieved to know that she didn't have the willpower to ride out the storm with me.

[SethDamien]

She said i always bring up problems to her. I admit, i havent been positive lately, i've been drained most of the time, and i was being unfair to her. I was supposed to be a boyfriend, instead, she became my support.

 

I always bring up problems like "my client isnt paying up" or, "let's eat at this fast food store as i dont have any money to take us on fancy dates" or, even mundane things like asking her what to do, where to meet, (i always look at my wallet before making a decision)...

I've become a baggage to her.

 

I have so much aspirations for my business, but now, my family's implying that i get a job instead.

 

There's so much going on in my life right now, i don't know what to think of anymore, or where to start, and now, the girl i love has just abandoned me.

Edited May 24, 2017 by SethDamien

[doyathinkso]

Yeah, so, what did you think we were all trying to tell you.

 

What did she have to do, tattoo it on your forehead??