Trying to understand wife's [past] affair

[Texashunter]

<Link to content update and discussion>

 

I knew the day it started but didn't want to believe it..so I fooled myself to believe she would ever do this to me. But in Oct 26 it was all confirmed and this is what I wrote that week. I found out my wife had been having an affair for the last 18 months. She only knew this guy 3 days before She had oral sex in our family van at a event, then meet him for sex 2 days later.

 

A couple of months later she fly out to Arizona for one day saying she had a work convention but it was to be with him and got them a room to have sex for the day. They spent the rest of the time emailing each other dirty messages, pics and videos. She even let him make a 6 sex tapes of them while they we together in Arizona and keep it for awhile to enjoy herself in bed while we were not in the house. In august of 2015 she had another convention in Vegas and they were planing on meet there but he got caught again and it ended up not happening.

 

I have been talking with his wife the whole time the last 5 days trying to help each other out why..both of them have said it wasn't love and that is was just for the excitement and that they didn't even enjoy the sex and had wished that part had not happened.. they just liked each other and nothing more. I confronted her back in march and she swore she wasn't cheating and would never do anything like this and broke down..but that was because she already knew what she had done it. However she and him didn't even quit after that. The wife and confronted her shortly after the first time and begged her.

 

She told her that she would stop but that he contacted her and convinced her to keep going to which he admitted. She just didn't care enough because she was on this kind of high..she later wanted it to be over but he wouldn't let go and she tried to distance herself..but he keep going and she did it just to appease him and slowly pushed him away. She was hoping that he would just go away and this could just be put in the past and get on with her life. Till I found the message from the wife and contacted her. She said in way way she was glad because that she wanted it to be done but didn't know how to get out of it. That me finally finding out now was her only final escape from it but didn't fully realize what she had done to me.

 

I was ready to fly the and kill him on Friday..had my bags pack and ready to go late into the night..I stopped because of his wife and his 3 boys..I don't know what's going to happen..we went to a marriage counselor back on Friday to see if there is even anything he could do to save us...

 

This was almost 4 months ago and we have been going to marriage counseling trying to understand all of it and to see if this marriage is worth saving..we have been married for 12 yrs as of June 26 of 2016..we have 3 boys 10, 6 and 5..they are devastated..at this point I don't know who I am, what I'm doing or even if I'm a man anymore...she says now that she sees everything she has to lose and that she now understands how much she does love me, the boys and our family.

 

That she want to make things right and prove to use how much she regrets her choices and how sorry she is..but I just don't believe any of it because during the affair she didn't give a crap about us at all...I'm confused to what I am doing and why I am even trying..some insight would be great as I can't seem to focus on anything but hating her for what she has done and all for now real reason..

Edited May 17, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Edit title and link to content update

[NTV]

Dude I've been there where you are. I know exactly how you feel. I didn't kill my ww ap for same reason.

 

The three things that helped me the most were 1. not drinking. My internal mechanism that says when to stop is still broken. 2. A journal. ..kept somewhere safe she can't read like work. A quick visit to the divorced dad's forum will show why. 3. A surviving infidelity forum kinda like this one.

 

There is really so much I could tell you about my experience in the hopes it would help but there is no road map to this crapshow. Why don't you tell me what the biggest thing you're struggling with right now is and I'll see if I can help?

[Texashunter]

I think the hardest thing is knowing she shared herself with another man for 18 months I ways she never did with me and I had asked for. How I tried so hard to re enforce how much I cared and loved her but it was like she wasn't listening. Only now does she see how much I did care and love her. Only now I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. She felt as long as she never got caught that she wasn't hurting anyone..that it had become too easy.

[gettingstronger]

So sorry you've joined our club. It's hell! What I can say, is that once they're exposed and see themselves as you see them it's a gut punch to them. The fog lifts and what was once fun and sexy is now humiliating and disgusting. I have no idea why they didn't see it for what it was while it was going on. Only you can decide if you can get past it. I wish you luck and peace.

[NTV]

Also, I used my kids as my motivation not to fall apart--even though on the inside I was a puddle. I had to hold it together to show them how one handles it when the crap hits the fan in their life.

[Texashunter]

The one thing she keeps saying is that she never thought about anything she was doing, that she just acted with out thought and was enjoying the excitement of doing something wrong. That she wanted him and he wanted her..with that it was a feeling she haddent had in a long time. But yet I was trying so hard and in every way to make thing right.

[Marc878]

I knew the day it started but didn't want to believe it..so I fooled myself to believe she would ever do this to me. But in Oct 26 it was all confirmed and this is what I wrote that week. I found out my wife had been having an affair for the last 18 months.

 

This is/was a long term affair

 

She only knew this guy 3 days before She had oral sex in our family van at a event, then meet him for sex 2 days later. A couple of months later she fly out to Arizona for one day saying she had a work convention but it was to be with him and got them a room to have sex for the day. They spent the rest of the time emailing each other dirty messages, pics and videos. She even let him make a 6 sex tapes of them while they we together in Arizona and keep it for awhile to enjoy herself in bed while we were not in the house. In august of 2015 she had another convention in Vegas and they were planing on meet there but he got caught again and it ended up not happening.

 

Your wife put a lot of time/effort and planning into this.

 

I have been talking with his wife the whole time the last 5 days trying to help each other out why..both of them have said it wasn't love and that is was just for the excitement and that they didn't even enjoy the sex and had wished that part had not happened..they just liked each other and nothing more.

 

Sorry man but the lying hasn't stopped

 

I confronted her back in march and she swore she wasn't cheating and would never do anything like this and broke down..but that was because she already knew what she had done it. However she and him didn't even quit after that. The wife and confronted her shortly after the first time and begged her. She told her that she would stop but that he contacted her and convinced her to keep going to which he admitted. She just didn't care enough because she was on this kind of high..she later wanted it to be over but he wouldn't let go and she tried to distance herself..but he keep going and she did it just to appease him and slowly pushed him away. She was hoping that he would just go away and this could just be put in the past and get on with her life.

 

Not a chance. Cheaters lie a lot and that is all you're getting

 

Till I found the message from the wife and contacted her. She said in way way she was glad because that she wanted it to be done but didn't know how to get out of it. That me finally finding out now was her only final escape from it but didn't fully realize what she had done to me.

 

She just trying her best to cover up and protect herself. She didn't care about you or the kids. For a year and a half.

 

I was ready to fly the and kill him on Friday..had my bags pack and ready to go late into the night..I stopped because of his wife and his 3 boys..I don't know what's going to happen..we went to a marriage counselor back on Friday to see if there is even anything he could do to save us...

 

The other man was only taking what your wife was giving him. He wouldn't have been a problem without your wife's consent. You are focusing on other man who is part of the problem but the biggest part was your wife

 

This was almost 4 months ago and we have been going to marriage counseling trying to understand all of it and to see if this marriage is worth saving..we have been married for 12 yrs as of June 26 of 2016..we have 3 boys 10, 6 and 5..they are devastated..at this point I don't know who I am, what I'm doing or even if I'm a man anymore...she says now that she sees everything she has to lose and that she now understands how much she does love me, the boys and our family. That she want to make things right and prove to use how much she regrets her choices and how sorry she is..but I just don't believe any of it because during the affair she didn't give a crap about us at all...I'm confused to what I am doing and why I am even trying..some insight would be great as I can't seem to focus on anything but hating her for what she has done and all for now real reason..

 

She didn't confess. She was caught once and never stopped. She was content on keeping the lies going and you in limbo hell.

 

 

You need some time away from her so you can decide what YOU want. She took herself out of the equation. Her wants don't count now. This is on your timeline. Figure out what you want. The depth of betrayal is great and infidelity never goes away. If you can't accept this in your life and if you stay you will have to accept it don't waste time and effort on something that can never be.

[NTV]

I think the hardest thing is knowing she shared herself with another man for 18 months I ways she never did with me and I had asked for. How I tried so hard to re enforce how much I cared and loved her but it was like she wasn't listening. Only now does she see how much I did care and love her. Only now I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. She felt as long as she never got caught that she wasn't hurting anyone..that it had become too easy.

 

My wife did the same magic mind tricks after the same insults. It's an anger that fades in time... but never really went away even 3 years later. One thing that I did do was stop all the little things I did for my wife to show love. Getting her little candies she loved putting the toilet seat down... All that stopped. If none of those things stopped her from cheating then the must not be that important.

[Marc878]

The one thing she keeps saying is that she never thought about anything she was doing, that she just acted with out thought and was enjoying the excitement of doing something wrong. That she wanted him and he wanted her..with that it was a feeling she haddent had in a long time. But yet I was trying so hard and in every way to make thing right.

 

Nicing them back never works. Actually it makes you look weak and unnattractive.

 

Crying, begging or pleading does the same thing. As you've found being a Mr Nice Guy in these situations just gets you walked on harder.

 

Her affair trumped everything.

 

Remember, no marriage is perfect but you didn't cause or deserve this at all.

[WilyWill]

Cancel the Marriage Counseling. Spend the money instead on Individual Counseling. She needs to figure out why she did this in the first place. Marriage Counseling implies that you're at fault somehow. You're not. You were a good husband, as she's already admitted. You didn't cheat on your wife.

 

You might want to get Individual Counseling for yourself, just so you can work through the horrible damage that she's done to you.

 

You should also meet with a lawyer to better understand your rights.

 

Buy a DNA testing kit, and perform a paternity test on your boys in front of your wife. She can even help swab the inside of their cheeks. They are probably your children and look just like you, but it's a good way for her to understand the amount of damage she's done, and the fact that you'll never be able to trust her again.

 

Personally, if I were you, I'd file for divorce. It can be stopped at any time, but it sends a message about the seriousness of her offense. Honestly, though, in your case I think I'd go through with the divorce. The idea that she was giving herself to another man in a way that she couldn't be bothered to do with you would eat away at me forever. Does she have any explanation for this?

 

Find a decent woman who recognizes you as a man and treats you as such. There are plenty of them out there. Let her become the single spinster she should have been. She's treating you like a king now because she's just looking for a safe landing. Once she has that, she'll probably be looking for her next affair. This might not have been her first.

Edited February 23, 2017 by WilyWill

[Marc878]

If you haven't. STD testing, you have no idea where this guy has been.

 

Better thing long and hard on your future. Take some time with friends, family etc. you need as much support as you can get right now.

 

MC at this time is worthless. Do not rush into reconciliation, etc.

 

IC for you both.

[BuddyX]

Your story is identical to mine-save for the kids. She looked me in the eye and said NO, when asked if there was someone else. I was dumb enough to believe it, then.

 

Guess what? Convention as well. It was for "her job".

 

I feel for you. Hang in there. I bailed because I think people like that will never change. Have no regrets so far. But again, we had no kids.

 

My best go out to you.

Edited February 23, 2017 by BuddyX
grammar

[Bryanp]

It is almost funny how the wayward spouse follows a general script. Your wife sounds like she is in total damage control. 18 months is a long time to be in an affair behind your back. You sound like a nice guy and I have a hunch your wife did this because she did not fear any consequences from her actions from you. She may of thought if she eventually got caught all she had to do was cry and you would forgive her immediately which it sounds like you have.

 

If the roles were reversed would she be so forgiving and accepting as you have been? Letting herself be filmed again shows she had no fear of consequences from you and showed also how little respect she has for you and your marriage.

 

If you do not respect yourself then who will since your wife has shown she clearly does not. You need to see things how they are and not how you would wish it to be. She has made it so she is somehow the victim. Telling you she never really enjoyed the sex is ludicrous and you know it. I know you have children but you really need to see an attorney to understand your options.

What is the old saying: There is no one who is as blind as one who will not see. Good luck.

[anika99]

One problem I see is that your wife is still not being truly authentic and radically honest with you. She is trying to be a victim by putting more than the fair share of responsibility on her affair partner. She wanted to stop but he convinced her to keep it going. Then she wanted to stop but he wouldn't let her go. What was he going to do if she stopped? Kill her? I doubt it, she is just trying to blame others for her own choices.

 

Then she says she didn't have feeling for him and didn't even enjoy the sex. She is lying. She had video tapes of herself having sex with him that she enjoyed watching when she was alone. Of course she enjoyed the sex and after messing around with him for 18 entire months it's very likely that she had feelings for him too.

 

Either she needs to get real about fixing this marriage, being honest and digging deeper for her reasons or you are going to need to consider divorce. I don't see how you will ever be happy in this marriage as long as your wife continues to blame shift and outright lie.

[Marc878]

Your problem right now is you still want to believe her. In your mind she just couldn't do this. You love the fantasy of that woman you had on a pedestal.

 

You'll look for anything to justify this somehow that way you don't have to deal with the reality of where you are and who she really is.

 

Better wake up!!! Don't wake up years from now regretting wasting your life.

 

You can't trust anything that comes out of her mouth. Watch her actions for a period of time.

 

Read this "No More Mr Nice Guy" free PDF download. It'll help

[oldshirt]

Have you ever tried to "convince" a woman to go to bed with you that wasn't attracted to you and didn't want to get it on with you????

 

 

Yeah, that didn't work did it.

 

It didn't work that way for the OM either. She was all-in the whole time and is probably finding a way to keep in contact with him now.

 

 

She is BSing you and blameshifting to everyone, including you, but herself.

 

The reason she is shedding crocodile tears and making promises is because the OM won't take her fulltime and if you divorce her she will be out of the house and won't have fulltime access to the kids. She is simply keeping you around to help with the house payments, bills and access to the kids..... oh and to be the babysitter while she sees the OM or whatever other dudes she is involved with.

 

You are being played here and you are falling for it.

 

My suggestion is to tell your story to "Chumplady" over at her website. Those people will have you seeing what is really taking place real fast.

 

You are kind of blinded by love and are high on 'Hopium' at the moment. Once your rose colored glasses come off and you see her for who and what she really is and you get your spine back, you won't be able to send her packing fast enough.

[bubbaganoosh]

If it was me. There would be no counseling. It's one thing and bad enough she had an affair but then not being satisfied with that she has to record the sex for further enjoyment. Add the lies she told and by her own admission the excitement should tell you that she didn;t give a tinkers damn about you or the kids.

 

So ask yourself if you really want that woman in your life. She's not who you thought she was. Yeah now she realizes the mistake she made but rather than take responsibility for her actions, she's throwing the other guy under the bus with those feeble excuses.

 

Yeah she feels remorse..................now and that because she knows she has on foot on a banana peel and the other in the grave so being cornered and scared, she's going to say and do anything to get herself out of the mess she created.

 

If it was me, I would let her know that as far as your concerned, she can go back to Arizona, make her homemade porn with her other guy and tell her that the sooner she's gone the better off you and your kids will be. Bet the house that if it was you doing the cheating, you would be writing on this forum from either a motel room or your back seat of your car but rest assure it wouldn't be in your house.

 

Find yourself a good lawyer and end this before anymore damage is done.

[Mr. Lucky]

She only knew this guy 3 days before She had oral sex in our family van at a event, then meet him for sex 2 days later.

 

A couple of months later she fly out to Arizona for one day saying she had a work convention but it was to be with him and got them a room to have sex for the day. They spent the rest of the time emailing each other dirty messages, pics and videos. She even let him make a 6 sex tapes of them while they we together in Arizona and keep it for awhile to enjoy herself in bed while we were not in the house.

 

Texashunter, what would scare me is this - when all the dust settles from MC, IC, etc., you're still going to be married to the person that bl*w a guy she'd known for 3 days in the back of your family van. Ask yourself - is that what you want?

 

This isn't about some emotional high from an affair, your wife is a broken person with no boundaries and dangerously poor impulse control. Unless you're going to sleep the rest of your life with one eye open, divorce seems like the only answer. Keep posting, lots of great support here...

 

Mr. Lucky

[GoldenR]

"The sex wasn't good" --- page 2, paragraph 12 of the Cheaters Handbook

 

I feel for you, brother. I really do. She destroyed your world and you had no say in it. She plotted, schemed and did all kinds of things behind your back for a very long time. She badmouthed you to her AP every chance she got in an effort to justify the affair to herself. And she'd still be doing it if she wasn't caught.

 

And now she loves you. Again. And like never before. And you're devastated, bc the wife you knew is effectively dead, and this lookalike in her place is telling you how great things could be if you would just forgive her. Her A wasn't about you. She never chose him over you. But can you ever really see it that way? Probably not...

 

If you can get past all that, I admire you. I tried (halfheartedly) twice. Failed both times.

 

Good luck....I'll follow your thread along and hope for the best for you.

[aliveagain]

I think the hardest thing is knowing she shared herself with another man for 18 months I ways she never did with me and I had asked for. How I tried so hard to re enforce how much I cared and loved her but it was like she wasn't listening. Only now does she see how much I did care and love her. Only now I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. She felt as long as she never got caught that she wasn't hurting anyone..that it had become too easy.

 

There are 6 children between your two families that are being affected. That wasn't enough to stop her from having sex with a guy she met at an event and then continued to for almost 20% of your marriage. She spent your money flying out to meet him. 18 month affairs take huge amounts of planning and it takes a special kind of person to carry out that much deception, like she said it got too easy. She even continued her affair after his wife busted them, again, that takes a special kind of person, most would panic and stop(6 children, two marriages, two homes at risk).

 

Who flies out to meet another man to have bad sex? No one friend. She does things for him that she won't do for you, shamelessly allows him to record the event for each others future enjoyment, again, why record the sex if it was bad? That fact alone should tell you all you need to know. She didn't care that a permanent record of their sex acts was created, acts that totally disrespected you and your marriage. Didn't stop her. What's different now that didn't exist two years ago, she got caught, other man didn't leave his wife for her otherwise they'd still be humping like little bunny rabbits. She now realizes that being a divorced mother with 3 children isn't that appealing.

 

Talk to a lawyer, understand your rights, protect your children. Make her have the full screening for STD's, they always lie about using protection. You too need to be tested. The testing is a real reality check for them. Some of us have a hard time getting over the imbalance a long term affair causes, you can't make things the way they were again. Decide what is the best for you, your plans for the future together have been thermally affected. Listen to very little of what she says, watch her actions, actions rarely lie, remember, lying was very easy for her and she got really good at it. She needs independent counselling to find out why she gave herself the approval to cheat. Sorry this has happened to you.

[ShatteredLady]

I'm so sorry that she has done this to you, I really am. I know there aren't words to express how utterly shattering it is on every, single level. Ugh! What's wrong with people?!?!

 

Something that seemed to help me a little was reading things like the sticky posts at the top of this forum. Read it slow & ask yourself if she did those things would it help a little. As yourself if she is doing those things. Once it's sunk-in print them off & ask her to read them. If she isn't interested ask her to leave!!! If it doesn't change her, tell her to leave!!!

 

Do you have a family member who can come support you & help with the boys? Oh your poor boys

DO NOT LEAVE YOUR HOME!

 

A thought that helped, once I believed it, was...You have all the time in the world. You are NOT stuck with reconciling because you haven't divorced yet. This kind of agony takes a very long time to mourn & process.

 

Don't be hard on yourself. Something in her is extremely broken. You did nothing to deserve this. IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.

 

Please take care of yourself & your boys, they need their Daddy.

[drifter777]

I think the hardest thing is knowing she shared herself with another man for 18 months I ways she never did with me and I had asked for. How I tried so hard to re enforce how much I cared and loved her but it was like she wasn't listening. Only now does she see how much I did care and love her. Only now I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. She felt as long as she never got caught that she wasn't hurting anyone..that it had become too easy.

 

You are the kind of man that is devastated by the sexual component of her affair and nothing will ever change this fact. Divorce is your only path to healing. Yes, it's hard to break out of the family life you had but remember that it is already broken and will never be the same. You deserve a fresh start and your kids deserve a happy, well-adjusted father so screw up your courage and divorce.

 

Also know that your wife is still lying, minimizing, and gas-lighting you. The bull$hit she's handing you about how the sex wasn't important and it wasn't good is right out if the WW handbook. If she didn't like it she wouldn't have done it. You will never know the extent of her depravity - she'll take the really nasty stuff to her grave.

[Mr. Lucky]

If you can get past all that, I admire you. I tried (halfheartedly) twice. Failed both times.

 

I'll see your two tries and raise you five failed reconciliations after my ex-wife cheated (guess I'm a slow learner ). And hers was a short A with one partner. A nearly impossible ask...

 

Mr. Lucky

[merrmeade]

I really don't know how I'd forgive this in a man or a woman. Even by the double standard for men, who are given a much more forgiving margin for promiscuity, her complete and immediate abandon to this affair based solely on sexual gratification was just too easy. Moreover, it went on so long. How do you explain, much less forgive and reconcile, such complete abandon so quickly and cheaply? I mean, giving a guy a bj in a van 3 days after meeting him? I'd almost feel better about it I think if there'd been forethought, planning and attempted restraint - more than 3 days anyway. This just too tawdry. How can you believe her remorse? The devil made her do it?

[merrmeade]

Take that back. I do understand and my husband's indiscretions were far more shocking, self-serving and cruel on a human level, considering the people involved and circimstances. I guess I'm feeling censure for the stranger with stranger (initially) aspect in OP's case, but there's another kind of depravity when it's familiars that's even more sickening - and I forgave and reconciled. But then I am sure I wouldn't have even ten years earlier.

 

Whatever. It all sucks. I don't blame you, OP, or me. Just go into whatever future you accept knowingly and put you and your family first. So sorry for your pain.