Trying to understand wife's [past] affair

[understand50]

Went to the shooting range a lot.

[Mr. Lucky]

Any tricks to help that?

 

Exercise. I kept going until I literally fell into bed. It keeps the mind occupied and the body out of trouble...

 

Mr. Lucky

[fenix]

Controlling the anger one moment and then down to depression the next wears me out..it's like never knowing how your day is going to be and has felt crippling at times. Any tricks to help that?

 

Never been cheated on but when I had serious problems and I wanted to forget I did a lot of running and kickboxing. It really helps and drains any negative energy you have inside.

 

Good luck!

[Cephalopod]

Controlling the anger one moment and then down to depression the next wears me out..it's like never knowing how your day is going to be and has felt crippling at times. Any tricks to help that?

 

Working out...lifting weights and getting healthier.

[merrmeade]

Any of the suggestions that appeal to you. The journal helps some because it helps you organize your thoughts and process your feelings. The advice to get so busy so you don't feel is terrible. Put off acknowledging your feelings and they just pop up in some other form later, usually depression. For me, it was journaling and therapy that finally helped because therapy is the same but with expert feedback. Nothing before that, including marriage counseling, made a dent in the constant anxiety and pain. Not even posting on LS.

[sandylee1]

OP,

I just wanted to say do what you need to do. Many of the posters here have been betrayed and not divorced their spouse.

 

Some are divorced, but tried to reconcile first.

 

It seems it was primarily an emotional affair, with 3 incidents of sex because of the distance.

 

I'm far from saying it's a good situation, but the truth is as your wife said, we don't know either of you, so we can only go on the information we have here.

I find the sex tapes really bad, but I would tend to agree with her comment, regarding the OM pushing for pics. Men do tend to push for these things and especially when there is a physical distance.

 

I barely hear of women requesting dic pics, but men love to receive pics. So she may well have sent them to keep him giving her the ego strokes.

 

The issue you have, is going forward. How to rebuild trust. What consequences is she going to face? Because it can't just be business as usual.

 

Take time to think about it. It's your marriage and of course you'll be thinking of your children. It would be wrong not to think about them.

 

Your wife has a lot of work to do. What has she been doing to find out why she did this?

What will make her not do it again, when another man shows her attention?

 

If you had the affair, what would she expect you to do to try and repair or try and make amends? Whatever those things are, she needs to start doing them. And being quick about it.

 

She needs to fight for your marriage. Because if it were me, I'd want to see it in every single action, every day, that my husband was grateful I hadn't left him.

 

Does she behave grateful?

[Texashunter]

So lately I've found myself in the trap of compairing myself to my wife's AP..he was in better shape than me and had a larger penis..it's began to eat at me and has really taken me into a dark place where I no longer feel like I can satisfy her the way he did. She claims that I am way better then him..that he was all prick to skill..but if that was the case why keep the affair going? I'm guessing this must be pretty common after an affair but what does one do to fight it

[BluesPower]

Listen...

 

This is the stuff that you have to deal with. And it is something that you have to decide if you can live with.

 

As a practical matter, I am completely average in size and I have never had any trouble pleasing any woman that I was with. And I have been with quite a few. So it is not something that you should be insecure about.

 

But at least she was honest, that is kind of a good sign.

 

So, how is everything over all, where are you guys at?

[drifter777]

So lately I've found myself in the trap of compairing myself to my wife's AP..he was in better shape than me and had a larger penis..it's began to eat at me and has really taken me into a dark place where I no longer feel like I can satisfy her the way he did. She claims that I am way better then him..that he was all prick to skill..but if that was the case why keep the affair going? I'm guessing this must be pretty common after an affair but what does one do to fight it

 

This is the path you chose. This is only the first big issue about the sex that is going to eat you up. There is, literally, one million more that you will discover if you continue to say & try to reconcile.

[Texashunter]

She is being a lot more open and I don't yell or scream near as much..comes in waves of sort. Weekends tend to be good but go to crap during the week off and on. I'm like you, I'm just a little over average and have been with a good share of women. Never had any problems in that department. I was the first guy to figure out how to give her an orgasm. The thing is why keep wanting him if he couldn't give her one..she said that at the time she thought the sex was better but looking at it it was just ok. Due to her not having an orgasm or them actually doing anything they talked about. I believe she is being honest about that. She claims that all the talk they had during it was what hyped her up. When it actually happened it was just plain ole vanilla. But she enjoyed the feeling or a larger one even when it did hurt. I'm trying to block these thoughts but it plagues me. We had a great last weekend. Went out for a nice dinner and drinks. Got to talk about other stuff besides the affair. But again come Monday morning I get foooded with thoughts and questions. It's like tug a war with my emotions..one day I'm fine and the next a mess

[harrybrown]

Sorry, the mind games keep going on and on.

 

Has she written a complete timeline of the A?

 

Has she been tested for stds?

 

It helps to start the D proceeding. Makes you feel a little in control over the sh** situation.

 

Will she pay for you to go to affair-recovery .com? Actions speak louder than words, because she can say anything, but most of the time it is a lie.

 

Easy for her to lie. What would she do if you had an A? Is she trying to make things better by her actions?

 

So what is she doing to make you think she will not do this again? She did this so easy this time. She will hide it better the next time.

 

Send her to the OM. She can just leave like she did during the A.

 

Leave and never come back.

 

Good luck to you.

[Cephalopod]

Are you in any kind of individual counseling? You need PTSD counseling, because you are traumatized.

[Texashunter]

I am getting counseling for both. We have both been tested for STD and she has been talking about us need to go on one of the Affair Recovery couples weekend workshops. She seems to want to fix this and has from what it seems come clean with everything. I talk with the AP's wife and she has verified a lot of what she has said as she saw all the emails and the extras. For me it's a lot with coming to grips with the reasons why and for so long. She didn't love him nor had any desire to leave us for him. She was using it for a distraction from her life. Which we all know you just can't escape it. I'm trying to be some what positive about a few things but not everything.

[road]

Listen...

 

This is the stuff that you have to deal with. And it is something that you have to decide if you can live with.

 

As a practical matter, I am completely average in size and I have never had any trouble pleasing any woman that I was with. And I have been with quite a few. So it is not something that you should be insecure about.

 

But at least she was honest, that is kind of a good sign.

 

So, how is everything over all, where are you guys at?

 

Being honest or doing damage control?

 

 

WW could be doing both.

[Poutrew]

So lately I've found myself in the trap of compairing myself to my wife's AP..he was in better shape than me and had a larger penis..it's began to eat at me and has really taken me into a dark place where I no longer feel like I can satisfy her the way he did. She claims that I am way better then him..that he was all prick to skill..but if that was the case why keep the affair going? I'm guessing this must be pretty common after an affair but what does one do to fight it

 

Yeah... I don't think I could get over this. She had a larger penis inside her, and now claims "meh... it wasn't very good." So, she kept going back for a poking because.... why? Maybe tell her that being a man, you can't understand why having a larger penis wouldn't be so thrilling so you want to find a woman with larger boobs than her, and a squirting vag that shoots to the ceiling during orgasm, and after comparing her to the OW you will be able to finally understand... I'm sure she wont like that idea very much, but at least she will know you have seen through her BS.

[bigman1]

tex, Dude, don't get caught up with the porn images. Sex feels good. Hell, it feels great. It felt great to her. Big dick, little dick, tongue, finger or feather. Just a fact. Get porn images out of your head. That huge dick feels great is bull. Lesbians don't have penises and they have great sex. They are not using extra huge strap ons either. It was big, it was new, it was forbidden. New and forbidden felt great. Big felt painful. Lack of orgasms prove that.

 

I can tell you from experience, I cheated with a girl in college. Not proud, but its true. Her boyfriend was 6'9", built like a god, and hung like a horse. Me...not. Shorter, a bit chubby, packing above average but well below this dude. She could not get enough of me. I got in her head and she gave me her body. I worked her body as well as I could. In my mind, I could not compete. Still, she kept coming and cumming.

 

Bottom line, she liked it. She loved it. Why? New and forbidden. Size...novel, new feeling, but not the driving factor. heck, his wife was not like the most sexually satisfied in the world. Remember, not being a woman, you can''t begin to comprehend how sex is for them. So stop.

[Cephalopod]

I am getting counseling for both. We have both been tested for STD and she has been talking about us need to go on one of the Affair Recovery couples weekend workshops. She seems to want to fix this and has from what it seems come clean with everything. I talk with the AP's wife and she has verified a lot of what she has said as she saw all the emails and the extras. For me it's a lot with coming to grips with the reasons why and for so long. She didn't love him nor had any desire to leave us for him. She was using it for a distraction from her life. Which we all know you just can't escape it. I'm trying to be some what positive about a few things but not everything.

 

Let her see to her own issues and you see to your healing. Right now you need to work on healing the wounds and stopping the blood flow. Give yourself time. This reconciliation should be totally on your terms, not hers. Watch her and watch her actions. Never take her words for face value, and don't dwell on whether or not her OM was a better lover. Attention and ego gratification is what she craved, and having sex with him was the price of admission.

[road]

Let her see to her own issues and you see to your healing. Right now you need to work on healing the wounds and stopping the blood flow. Give yourself time. This reconciliation should be totally on your terms, not hers. Watch her and watch her actions. Never take her words for face value, and don't dwell on whether or not her OM was a better lover. Attention and ego gratification is what she craved, and having sex with him was the price of admission.

 

 

 

It has been said by and of WW's that the OM was meeting emotional

needs that WW wanted met.

 

 

To keep those EN's being met the WW kept putting out sex to keep

the OM meeting those needs for her.

 

 

They stated the quality of the sex even when only being average or

even below average they pull to have those needs met kept the WW

in the affair.

 

 

Thing is how does the BH know what the WW say is the truth. Did the

WW throwing out the truth that the OM was well hung as calculated

lie to get the BH to believe that the sex with the OM was bad.

 

 

The BH's problem.

[redbaron007]

Controlling the anger one moment and then down to depression the next wears me out..it's like never knowing how your day is going to be and has felt crippling at times. Any tricks to help that?

 

Yea, here's what worked for me:

- rented my own place (left the toxic environment)

- started working out every day

- stopped alcohol

- took up street photography

- learnt German (that was the only foreign lang course at the local adult college that suited my time)

- starting casually chatting with everyone - toddlers and pensioners, baristas, person standing behind me at checkout, just everybody

- practiced mindfulness

[aliveagain]

So lately I've found myself in the trap of compairing myself to my wife's AP..he was in better shape than me and had a larger penis..it's began to eat at me and has really taken me into a dark place where I no longer feel like I can satisfy her the way he did. She claims that I am way better then him..that he was all prick to skill..but if that was the case why keep the affair going? I'm guessing this must be pretty common after an affair but what does one do to fight it

 

This and knowing that if the right opportunity came along again and she thought she could get away with it, your wife is one of the one in three(statistics for women in committed relationships depending on who's stats you use)that will act on it. This is part of the imbalance a betrayed spouse has to live with if reconciliation is your ultimate goal. You can't undo what has been done but with professional help and equal commitment from both of you, you can learn to live with it. Yes new and strange is always exciting, it never lasts because it is just that, sex. In loving relationships other things happen as the relationship matures that you will never have with a shallow sexual relationship.

 

Sometimes the working environment plays into it too. Decide which is more important to you, the money or the relationship. Bottom line is an affair will never happen if she didn't want it to. When she can make you feel safe you will think less about the other man, he was never the problem. Your issue is that you don't feel safe yet and she hasn't done enough as of today to get you there. It is important that you realize that you can't spend the rest of your life policing her and the onus is on her to prove to you that you don't have to.

[Texashunter]

So update...well seems I just can't stop getting my ass handed to me. Been trying to work through a lot of this and have been going to counseling to deal with my anger and depression. After counseling last night my wife came outside and dropped a pregnancy test on the table next to me and yep you can guess right..she is now about 4 weeks pregnant..I was laughing like a crazy man and then crying at the same time..I feel like I've hit crazy town..it is definitely my kid but dang..talk about stacking it on..and not that she did it on purpose..I knew it could happen but now feel like I just allowed thing to possibly get worse..not to mention I also went out and got a tattoo which I would never had done..could all of this just jump started some kind of mid life crisis?? What the hell is wrong with me now...the worse thing is I kind of enjoy bowing it because her AP and his wife have had major issues with having another child and they have been trying for some time. The AP wife had told me all about it and she believes it is him that can't get her prego for some reason now..is it wrong to get some sick enjoyment knowing that this ahole can't do the deed right and I can...I seriously think I have lost a few cards from my deck at this point

[GorillaTheater]

I've never been able to sort out who God is, other than the fact that He has a sick-ass sense of humor. I don't know whether to offer sympathy or congratulations.

 

 

I understand the degree of complication this adds to your life, but looking at this as dispassionately as I can, I'm not sure this should impact your decision as to reconcile or divorce. You can be an active, involved dad whichever route you take. But one thing seems to be pretty clear reading this thread: this marriage has you all kinds of f*cked up. Ending it might just give you the clarity and mental/emotional healthiness you seem to desperately need.

[BluesPower]

OMG, man how old are you guys?

 

More importantly, how are you doing with everything. We have all wanted to hear from you.

 

What is the final decision? How is your wife acting. How is it going?

 

Congrats on the new baby. You might as well enjoy it, what else are you going to do???

[Texashunter]

OMG, man how old are you guys?

 

More importantly, how are you doing with everything. We have all wanted to hear from you.

 

What is the final decision? How is your wife acting. How is it going?

 

Congrats on the new baby. You might as well enjoy it, what else are you going to do???

 

I'm 41 and she is 38.

 

I have my moments with anger issues and some depression. It's gotten a bit better but the images of what they did still hit me from time to time. We have gone from week long anger and yelling to maybe like 2 to 3 times a week..weekends tend to be better then the week days.

 

She has changed a good bit. I believe between us talking a lot more and the therapy pretty much everything has come out. Even with knowing all the details there has been some new light shed on the issue. She's been almost over board with attention and concern for me and our kids. She has to be sleeping almost right on me each night and we try to spend at least a few hrs each day with out thinking or talking about the affair which has helped some..just to give it a break for short periods. We still discuss thing about it. She is trying to reassure me of the guilt and sorrow of what's she's done. She is trying with therapy to figure out who she just went along with it because she doesn't fully understand why. Therapist has discussed this with me and says that this can be common with some affairs and after 4 months of dealing with us he believes this is the case. She has diffently has taken full responsibility for the affair and for her actions. Which to be honest really caught me off guard as I read a lot of times they never do. Was it a one time thing where she lost herself and couldn't figure out how bad it was? Seems likely..not defending her but I do try to read and get as much information about affairs as I can. The last six to 7 months of the affair seems to be done out of habit then wanting the actual affair. From the therapy session it was if she couldn't take herself out of the fairy tail because of how it would make her feel. The sex part was not something she desired to make happen any more it was just the excitement of the emails and reactions from the request pictures.

 

She has showed a lot more interest in me and what I do which I do make difficult for her due to my feeling and she understands. She doesn't pressure me on things and lets me vent without question or becoming defensive. She says she feels the need to let me say and express myself about what she's done to me and our family. She says she truest regrets he choices and wishes she could go back and stop it before it happened. That she was so blinded with the little things she couldn't see the big picture. That she couldn't see how much I did for her and how much I truest cared/loved her. She states that she can never forgive herself for what she has done and all because she just blinded herself to what she says was truly the best thing she's ever had in her life. She claims that she won't give up on me and the boys now because getting caught has opened her eyes for the first time in her life to what she knew she wanted and truly had but allowed herself to fall for the bs of life. She even went so far as to get the same tattoo on her shoulder that I got..grant it the softened it up to be more female like.. but stated she wanted to show me with the tattoo how serious she is about all this now...she is literally now branded with a tatto that was special to me..even if we divorced there is no way of her getting away from it..she will have to see it everyday of her life knowing what it means.

 

Maybe...just maybe she is as serious as she says and does now..time will tell..but I know it will be a long road for me and she knows/has accepted that it won't ever be the same again..that if we stay married there will be a lack in all departments...there won't be the same intensity we once had..I guess time will tell at this point and things could very well chance...I don't have much hope for things but what else do I have to lose at this point...because from what I've seen and heard from other people..even if we divorce..the grass I have may be burnt but the grass on the other side has a good chance at being even worse..for the time being I will watch and keep close attention..I need to work on myself more and let the rest just fall where it may..need to start doing for me and my happiness..one of my biggest problems was I focus everything into her and let myself fall by the waist side. I can now see how that hurt me in more ways than I thought. How can I take care of others if I can't even take care of myself..I lost sight of that just like she lost sight of what she had all this time..don't get me wrong..I'm not letting her get away with what she's done. Just don't have the effort to spend the rest of my time fully focused on her..I have 3 boys who still need their father to set them on the right road for their lives to be better than what I have...I do appreciate some of the advice from people and have used it to try to look at things differently and to try to get my head right..this may not be the right choice...but I hope for my kids sake I'm doing what's right for them in the end..

[harrybrown]

hope she stays NC with the OM.

 

Has she told his family? Has she started protecting you and not the OM?

 

Will she pay to go to affair-recovery.com? to help you heal?

 

What would she do if you had an A?