Trying to understand wife's [past] affair

[Texashunter]

Love isn't something I have for this new person..I loved my wife but this woman she is now I don't..I care for her because she is the mother of my children. If it wasn't for them yes, I would have left and divorced her. I don't confuse loving someone and caring for someone. I can't ever love someone who could do this and the way she did it. I can care for her and have her to help raise my kids the best way I can. I'm trying hard to control my anger and emotions for my kids sake. I wish I could be in love with someone again but to be honest I feel love is over rated and really has no place in my life anymore..I just want to live my life for myself and my kids..doesn't matter if she is with us or not..she's a grown woman and it's obvious she can make her own choices. I tried to help her make the right choice and I wasn't good enough for her to listen to anything I had to say. So she can do for her and I'll do for me..for now this is how I see things...I may be wrong for it right now but I want to be selfish with myself and kids.. is that wrong? I don't know but then I don't know a lot of things anymore

[ruined_my_love]

Well, I had typed up this big post, and now I don't know what happened to it....

I am the WS. TexasHunter asked me to post here and address some of the things said, thinking that someone here may see something in me and provide some clarity....I will have to type up a new post, since mine seems to have gone missing.

 

 

Also, for what it's worth - which I realize is not much coming from a lying, cheating whore - this was my first and only indiscretion. I had never cheated before, not a kiss, not a love note, not a thing. And our 3 boys definitely belong to TexasHunter. I am willing to get them tested, but only if it could be done without them knowing what was going on and why. I agree that it could be traumatizing for them, and I don't want to subject them to any more harm that I already have. I admit that I have not been a wonderful mother, but I am not a monster and I do love my children and want the best for them, despite my mistakes and poor choices.

Edited April 10, 2017 by ruined_my_love
left things out

[ruined_my_love]

I am the WS. TexasHunter asked me to post here, thinking that maybe someone would see something in what I say that would offer him some clarity. I told him it was probably not a good idea, as in this forum, I am (understandably) the enemy. I lied to, cheated on and betrayed my husband, a man who loved me more than anything and nothing I can say or do willever fix it or make it right. There is no explanation or reason for what I have done that will ever be sufficient oreven make sense. Even to me. What I do know is that I regret what I’ve done and how I’ve hurt not only my husband and our children, but myself as well as everyone that knows us. I am truly sorry for what I’ve done.

 

 

I wish I had answers to why and how I could do what I did. I convinced myself that I was unhappy because I felt taken for granted and I felt that I had a husband who talked rude to me and that I spent so much time trying to make sure that everyone else was being taken care of and happy...but it's all crap. there is no excuse for what I did. And if I truly wanted to fix our marriage, why didn't I stop? I should have - I wish I had! But I didn't. I was caught up in it and this other person made me feel good and desirable, and I didn't feel like I was getting that....again, crap!

 

 

I hardly recognize myself, but I do take full responsibility for what I have done.

 

 

Since my original post vanished, I am trying to recreate it as best I can, but am not having much luck.

 

 

I do want to thank so many of you here for being a listening ear and offering advice and encouragement, both to him and to me. So many times, I have pleaded for time – time will heal, time will allow me to prove that he is the man I want to be with, the person I want to partner with to raise our family and the man I am fully invested in re-committing my life to. I realize it may be too late, but that will not stop me from doing what I know is right. I deserve all the hatred and harsh words that he can throw at me, and I know that because of the anger and despite it – it’s because he does love me and I will not take that for granted again.

Edited April 10, 2017 by ruined_my_love

[Heathen]

I am the WS.

 

time will heal, time will allow me to prove that he is the man I want to be with, the person I want to partner with to raise our family and the man I am fully invested in re-committing my life to. I realize it may be too late, but that will not stop me from doing what I know is right. I deserve all the hatred and harsh words that he can throw at me, and I know that because of the anger and despite it – it’s because he does love me and I will not take that for granted again.

 

You will do what is right for whom? What you feel is right and what he feels is right may be 2 different things. What feels right for you is to save your marriage and not hurt your children any further. It is understandable to not want to pay the consequences for a 18 month affair. However the price for your "right thing to do" may be a slow boiling torture for your "husband".

 

What may be right for him is a divorce.

 

Unfortunately time does not always heal. BHs who write this way about their WS, usually don't get over it. Do you really think he loves you, as a wife?

 

Did you read this?

 

"Love isn't something I have for this new person..I loved my wife but this woman she is now I don't..I care for her because she is the mother of my children. If it wasn't for them yes, I would have left and divorced her. I don't confuse loving someone and caring for someone. I can't ever love someone who could do this and the way she did it"

 

If what is best for him, is to grant him a fair divorce and maybe work on starting another relationship in the future, would you be willing to do that?

[aliveagain]

Ruined my life, he is a beautiful man, he is still with you, how are you ever going to make him feel safe again? Telling him you will never do it again means sh*t to a man that never thought you would betray him so brutally in the first place. This man would give his life to protect you. No man should ever be put in a position that he has to compete with a predator for the love of his wife. What is so special about a POS that will fu*k another man's wife anyway? You allowed a player to video tape you cheating on your husband and children. Players make video's for one reason, to show their bar friends. The greatest form of disrespect one spouse can have for another is to cheat on them. Why should he have someone that disrespected him the way you did in his life?

Edited April 10, 2017 by aliveagain

[ruined_my_love]

 

If what is best for him, is to grant him a fair divorce and maybe work on starting another relationship in the future, would you be willing to do that?

 

If that is truly what he wants, I will do it, and I have told him that. He has total control, not me. As much as I do not want to leave him or our children, if that's what he wants, that's what I'll do. I just want him to be happy....as happy as possible I realize how selfish it sounds for me to say that I will "do what is right" especially after doing something so wrong for so long.....and yes, in some ways that phrase does mean "what is right for me" but more than that it is "what is right for US."

[magnesium]

Players make video's for one reason, to show their bar friends.

 

True words.

[Imajerk17]

If that is truly what he wants, I will do it, and I have told him that. He has total control, not me. As much as I do not want to leave him or our children, if that's what he wants, that's what I'll do. I just want him to be happy....as happy as possible I realize how selfish it sounds for me to say that I will "do what is right" especially after doing something so wrong for so long.....and yes, in some ways that phrase does mean "what is right for me" but more than that it is "what is right for US."

 

These are some very nice words, except, you stopped only after your husband found out about your affair. Suppose he had not, would you have continued? You went on with this **for 18 months**. I'm not convinced you are truly sorry you had the affair, only sorry **you got caught**.

 

At the very least, you could start by repaying your husband for your travel expenses to see OM. The money you paid in airfare (and perhaps hotel) was money that directly or indirectly was paid for by your husband or joint account.

Edited April 10, 2017 by Imajerk17

[DKT3]

If that is truly what he wants, I will do it, and I have told him that. He has total control, not me. As much as I do not want to leave him or our children, if that's what he wants, that's what I'll do. I just want him to be happy....as happy as possible I realize how selfish it sounds for me to say that I will "do what is right" especially after doing something so wrong for so long.....and yes, in some ways that phrase does mean "what is right for me" but more than that it is "what is right for US."

 

When in your husband's position the one thing I couldn't grasp was "why now? Why now do you want to be here?" He has also indicated it's huge for him. I'm a decade out and I grasp if not completely understand my wife's reasons. Here is were you can gain some ground. Help him understand why now when you should have the whole time.

 

Something else I picked up on when talking about the kids being his....I'm not sure their has even been a woman who's walked the earth who can truly understand that doubt creeps into every man's head about paternity even without confirmation of an affair. Many won't admit it but it's there every time at some point. Maybe a fleeting moment. However, the once there is confirmation of an affair, all bets are off concerning each and every child concieved within the marriage. Why? You've taken away his ability to trust you. Love and pride will force one to outwardly proclaim the child is mine no doubt. Inwardly it rips you apart until you can silence any and all doubts. You can control that much, couple qtips and a stamp.

[Mr. Lucky]

You can control that much, couple qtips and a stamp.

 

And with the rise of websites like 23andme.com, the testing can be done under the guise of determining ethnic background, heath screening, etc...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BluesPower]

It does take a lot of guts to post here for/with your husband.

 

There are just so many things that I want to say to you. The first thing you should know is that I am a BS and a WS, so I hurt from my wife and I understand how much she hurt.

 

Several things you should understand:

 

1) You had an 18 month affair, it stopped because you got caught. While your husband was busting his a** putting a roof over your head and caring for your children. You were out banging this loser, because you were not getting enough attention. BS, Total BS.

 

You did it because you felt entitled to a little wild sex on the side. You did it because you have and have had ZERO respect for your husband, your children, and your marriage.

 

2) If you had not got caught, you would still be in the affair. You need to realize how important that is to your H.

 

3) You performed sex acts with OM the you refused your husband. Wow, that is actually about as bad as it gets. How could you ever, ever do that?

 

4) Is the new baby his?

 

5) You are lucky that he even talks to you at all much less has not left yet.

 

6) You have destroyed your H and he will never be the same. Ever.

 

7) If you had any balls, which you do not, you would walk away and give him all of the marital assets and his children. You could keep the new baby.

 

8) The one man, that put up with all of your S*** and loved you more that any other person in the world, you took a huge crap on his head and laughed about it.

 

9) The videos, I mean come on, this player had you taking videos. I correct my earlier comment, this is about as bad as it get.

 

10) OM gets the wild crazy sex and your poor, unattractive, boring H get a pity F*** every now and then.

 

That is about all for now.

 

But Please understand I am not saying any of this to be mean in any way. I have been there and you need to know that THIS is how your husband feels.

 

And he probably has a million other things to say. What you need to know is that you destroyed your family and your husband. How do you ever hope to fix that?

 

Have you been reading about affairs? Have you been in counseling to understand what is wrong with you and guess what it was not your husband or marriage.

 

If you were not sexually satisfied or wanted to explore, you know your husband would have been up for it, but instead you chose to betray him.

 

You, at this point, are just staring to understand what you have done. You maybe see and understand about 1/100 of what is going on in his head.

 

I got to tell you that if he can come back from this, he is a far better man than I ever will be or could ever hope to be.

 

I wish you luck...

[Texashunter]

Looking into the postnuptial thing, I will need to protect my kids and my future from her. Need to make sure we are safe from her and her actions.

[ruined_my_love]

Looking into the postnuptial thing, I will need to protect my kids and my future from her. Need to make sure we are safe from her and her actions.

 

That is fair, and I have told you before that I am willing to sign a post nup. I messed up, so so badly, and I will do whatever it takes to make you comfortable with me if you are willing to give me the chance.

[Bufo]

TH--- you may forgive her, you may reconcile with her. But you will never forget what she chose for do to you and your kids.

 

In another forum, a poster's tag line is to this effect. You know its time to divorce when the pain of being with your kids only part time is less than the pain of being with your WW full time.

 

And it's not just to display the tape to his bar buddies. There are many internet porn sites that cater to voyeurs, exhibitionists and cheaters. Find out whether his face appeared in the tape. If it didn't then be prepared for eventual discovery and disclosure.

[Texashunter]

TH--- you may forgive her, you may reconcile with her. But you will never forget what she chose for do to you and your kids.

 

In another forum, a poster's tag line is to this effect. You know its time to divorce when the pain of being with your kids only part time is less than the pain of being with your WW full time.

 

And it's not just to display the tape to his bar buddies. There are many internet porn sites that cater to voyeurs, exhibitionists and cheaters. Find out whether his face appeared in the tape. If it didn't then be prepared for eventual discovery and disclosure.

 

 

I'm sure this ahole has posted them somewhere..I'm waiting for them to surface one day..she was such a moron that she gave him plenty to play with.

[aliveagain]

I'm sure this ahole has posted them somewhere..I'm waiting for them to surface one day..she was such a moron that she gave him plenty to play with.

 

There is nothing like knowing that your children googled a video of their mom with her legs wrapped around another mans a$$.

[QuietDan]

In this day and age, just one tree in the forest. The odds of them stumbling across any of those video are probably fairly low.

[Texashunter]

For his sake he better hope he didn't post anything...I don't care if she took the pics and he made the videos...i can sometimes have a problem with telling the difference between a deer and a ahole..

[Heathen]

That is fair, and I have told you before that I am willing to sign a post nup. I messed up, so so badly, and I will do whatever it takes to make you comfortable with me if you are willing to give me the chance.

 

Why should this man stay with you? What value do you have as a wife?. What exactly is your definition of "love" for your Husband?. I am not speaking of the love as the father of your children, confidant and "friend", but as a Man.

 

Why should this man go thru the dirt, the rage , the mind movies, the effort to reconcile, for you?

 

What you write may be seen as manipulative, and perhaps you have said it a hundred times, but since you both decide to post, hit us with your best pitch. Your response may get torn to shreds, and he may not believe you, but for once, be honest and lay it out there.

[Heathen]

For his sake he better hope he didn't post anything...I don't care if she took the pics and he made the videos...i can sometimes have a problem with telling the difference between a deer and a ahole..

 

With all that you have done, he would still kill to protect your honor.

 

You cheated on the wrong kind of guy.

Edited April 11, 2017 by Heathen

[road]

Well, I had typed up this big post, and now I don't know what happened to it....

I am the WS. TexasHunter asked me to post here and address some of the things said, thinking that someone here may see something in me and provide some clarity....I will have to type up a new post, since mine seems to have gone missing.

 

 

Also, for what it's worth - which I realize is not much coming from a lying, cheating whore - this was my first and only indiscretion. I had never cheated before, not a kiss, not a love note, not a thing. And our 3 boys definitely belong to TexasHunter. I am willing to get them tested, but only if it could be done without them knowing what was going on and why. I agree that it could be traumatizing for them, and I don't want to subject them to any more harm that I already have. I admit that I have not been a wonderful mother, but I am not a monster and I do love my children and want the best for them, despite my mistakes and poor choices.

 

First do not call yourself names.

Second stay off of your BH's thread and for the time being he should

stay off of yours. So start your own thread ASAP. For the way your BH

is getting help here you will get the help you need on your own thread.

[Texashunter]

I asked her to read my thread so she can understand where I have been coming from and so she can see that I'm not the only one who sees the things the way I do..I don't have a problem with it, I still andnwill always not hide anything. Not what I say or how I feel..she needs to know it and see it..for 17 months she lived her own life and separately for me and our family...

[aliveagain]

Your both in the same marriage, she chose poorly, one of you has to be strong for the sake of your children. You know her choices, yours should be made with regards to what is best for you. Your children will always be your children.

[QuietDan]

I asked her to read my thread so she can understand where I have been coming from and so she can see that I'm not the only one who sees the things the way I do..I don't have a problem with it, I still andnwill always not hide anything. Not what I say or how I feel..she needs to know it and see it..for 17 months she lived her own life and separately for me and our family...

 

The old relationship is dead and gone.

The people you once were, forever changed in some very dramatic ways.

The original oaths are broken and shattered.

Neither one of you is bound by the original marriage vows.

Time for two different people to sit down and figure out if they want to begin a new relationship and figure what if anything they have in common and can it work. Can the two of you live with and work around the differences.

Will this relationship be built on truth or lies?

For... the broken wayward.... may be too soon to even know who they are and what they really want in life. Just because she is scrambling now to try to repair, reclaim, recover the relationship.

Why???? Does she even really know why?

What is she going to try to build a new relationship on?

Who she is now?

I am not too sure she even really knows who she is enough to get into a committed relationship with.

She is anxious now. Fear, embarrassment, shame, the unknown, uncertainty, loss of security, all this can generate a great deal of mixed emotions that feel like regret and remorse. But, really, regret and remorse for what?

A lot of waywards want another chance.

They cling and scramble.

Like a drowning victim in the swimming pool.

In the end, the spouse they latch onto as they go under also ends up drowning as well.

Is this a short term fix to resolve anxiety?

This needs to be done with a long term view.

Building a new relationship from the ground up starting with basic fundamentals.

Not to sure that this wayward is even remotely ready to be able go through that process yet.

End the end, where is this ultimately going to end up?

What is the end goal here?

I think, due to the nature of all of this, substantial lengthy counselling may be required here.

 

Actually, in many ways, this has the feeling of an exit affair.

 

This type of extensive, lengthy, careless, repeated, totally uninhibited behavior, points to wanting to be caught. Like she is trying to do something so bad, the loyal betrayed spouse will terminate the relationship. In a somewhat twisted way, the wayward then, doesn't have to feel guilty about ending the relationship. The betrayed spouse was the one that made the final decision. In effect, the final act of manipulation, is to manipulate the betrayed spouse into being the bad guy and end the relationship

Edited April 11, 2017 by QuietDan
Delayed browser response, double copied, clean up to single response.

[Texashunter]

I'm trying but it's hard when your as worn out as I am.