Trying to understand wife's [past] affair

[aliveagain]

That she want to make things right and prove to use how much she regrets her choices and how sorry she is..but I just don't believe any of it because during the affair she didn't give a crap about us at all...I'm confused to what I am doing and why I am even trying..some insight would be great as I can't seem to focus on anything but hating her for what she has done and all for now real reason..

 

TH. this is why you need the help of a professional. I don't think your ready for marriage counselling just yet, you both need independent counselling first. It might just be that what your looking for from your wife she isn't capable of giving to you. There are certain personality types that are just not capable of feeling empathy, she may be one of these. Take the meds or get some distance from her until your able to get control of your thoughts but make sure you talk to a lawyer first. There are things far worse then divorce, sharing your wife with other men is one of them.

 

Drop the self medicating with alcohol, it only takes you deeper into depression. No matter what you feel now please understand that you will get through this and you are young enough to have the life you want.

[NTV]

When my wife cheated on my my first few months were spent in a bottle. It took time to see that really it only made the pain worse.

 

What helped me figure out all the emotional destruction and begin putting myself back together was a journal.

[Mr Blunt]

Originally Posted by merrmeade

I also do not agree with Mr. Blunt that you can just will yourself not to think about it any more. You NEED your own counselor, TH!

 

 

 

By Blunt

Your post above seems to insinuate that I think that TH should just go it alone without third party help. If that is your position then was that an oversight on your part?

Did you read the part of my post that stated….. “you need help from every source then you have to take that advice and DO IT!!!

 

Quote of Blunt

What help have you got besides the MC? You need help from every source then you have to take that advice and DO IT!! You need to get built back up so that you can stop having those destructive thoughts and emotions for hours every day! Get the help that will help you get away from your bitterness and anger.

 

 

 

 

My last post was not the only time I have encouraged TH to get help. Below is a quote from an earlier post that said the same thing. You even put a like on that post of mine.

 

Quote of Blunt

Get all the help that you can and be patient and determined. Know that you can get a lot better with time, help, and effort.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

To Texas Hunter

If you are writing to this forum to get advice from those that have been a BS then you can plainly see that many are encouraging you to get as much help as you can. ARE YOU DOING THAT?

[mercy]

Originally Posted by merrmeade

I also do not agree with Mr. Blunt that you can just will yourself not to think about it any more. You NEED your own counselor, TH!

 

 

 

By Blunt

Your post above seems to insinuate that I think that TH should just go it alone without third party help. If that is your position then was that an oversight on your part?

Did you read the part of my post that stated….. “you need help from every source then you have to take that advice and DO IT!!!

 

Quote of Blunt

What help have you got besides the MC? You need help from every source then you have to take that advice and DO IT!! You need to get built back up so that you can stop having those destructive thoughts and emotions for hours every day! Get the help that will help you get away from your bitterness and anger.

 

 

 

 

My last post was not the only time I have encouraged TH to get help. Below is a quote from an earlier post that said the same thing. You even put a like on that post of mine.

 

Quote of Blunt

Get all the help that you can and be patient and determined. Know that you can get a lot better with time, help, and effort.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

That's why I quoted your post previously, Mr. Blunt, so it would allow him to hopefully see some truths about himself, that he needs professional help.

 

And to his wife, the name calling is inappropriate. I wish you had a safe place to post without judgement. I feel you are hurting too and also need someone to talk to. PM me anytime. xxx

[GoldenR]

And to his wife, the name calling is inappropriate. I wish you had a safe place to post without judgement. I feel you are hurting too and also need someone to talk to. PM me anytime. xxx

 

SHE'S hurting? Huh? Telling him "now isn't the time to talk about it" isn't indicative of someone that's hurting alongside the man she betrayed.

[somanymistakes]

She probably is hurting to at least some degree, but this is not the place for her to get support since any sympathy for her would come across like a slap at him.

 

Which is why divorces destroy so many friendships - people have to take sides, it's extremely difficult to be supportive of both of them.

[Just a Guy]

Hi TH, you have had a lot of time since your D Day to decide on what you want to do and what course of action is best for you. You have been given excellent advice by a number of people who have been in your shoes and know exactly what it is that is causing you pain. You are consistently choosing to ignore this advice and are continuing to wallow in in your own self inflicted misery by doing nothing to improve your situation. If your wife is causing you so much pain and discomfort then distance yourself from her. Start taking positive action to improve your situation rather than doing nothing and simmering in your misery. The fact is that in any situation which is not conducive or healthy for you, you have to start doing something positive to make yourself feel better. By doing nothing proactive you are immersing yourself in the same miserable conditions and mindset that has been plaguing you for so long. For this you can blame no one, not even your WW.

 

Break the mould and set yourself free. Go out and have some fun, join a gym or some other fun activity which will help you take your mind off your WW's betrayal. You can choose to ignore your WW even if she is living in your home and make a friends circle for yourself which will take you away from her. A lot of people have advised you to get into individual counselling. That is sound advice and you should do so as of yesterday. You can choose to better your situation by being proactive and you should do so. Give it a thought. Warm wishes.

[CommittedToThis]

Hi TH,

 

My heart goes out to you, my friend.

 

I also highly recommend individual therapy, and don't expect the first therapist to be perfect. Some of those people are freaks, make sure you shop around until you're certain (you'll know it in your gut) you've found a therapist who is right for you. It might be a hassle but in the long run it can save your sanity.

Edited April 19, 2017 by CommittedToThis

[merrmeade]

Originally Posted by merrmeade

I also do not agree with Mr. Blunt that you can just will yourself not to think about it any more. You NEED your own counselor, TH!

 

By Blunt

Your post above seems to insinuate that I think that TH should just go it alone without third party help. If that is your position then was that an oversight on your part?

 

To Texas Hunter

If you are writing to this forum to get advice from those that have been a BS then you can plainly see that many are encouraging you to get as much help as you can. ARE YOU DOING THAT?

No, it wasn't an oversight and we don't disagree, Mr. Blunt. Indeed, you did advise repeatedly to get professional help beyond MC. No need to post examples. In fact, virtually all posters are encouraging this.

 

But you went one step further and listed things he must do in all caps. It's a subtle but important wording change you make to the imperative - e.g.: "STOP" [doing x, y, z] - that communicates more than a change in verb tense. These are things that he might work on in IC. They are obsessive. That IS the point. Examples:

1. STOP feeding your anger with how much she has hurt you and how unfair she was ...
   
2. ... you just have to accept that you were shyt on and find ways for you make the best of your life.
   
3. ... take the action of forcing yourself to have thoughts ...
   
4. STOP berating your wife for hours every day because that only fuels your rage and vengeance.
   
5. Think with your head and not your bitterness!

The difference between what he should do and what he really can do is NOT small. He can try not to have certain thoughts but he may not be able to on his own.

 

I wouldn't bother to point this out because I think the overall message we are all giving is that it's time for professional support, but I think that you should have stopped there with what he should and shouldn't do. Let the professional decide with him when and how they work on stopping certain thoughts and behavior. Not many people have the ability to control thoughts, especially when they're obsessive. I know this. My son had OCD and went through behavior training that worked. Obsessive thinking is not necessarily OCD and can happen to anyone, but getting out of it is still hard.

 

Anyway, TexasHunter, we're all pretty much saying the same thing. I think you see that. It can happen but maybe not by 'willing' it to happen. These kinds of obsessive thoughts and maybe behavior have a way of sticking, especially the more you do it. We have a consensus I think you see, that you should get help with it. Wish you the best... merrmeade

Edited April 19, 2017 by merrmeade
redundancy

[Texashunter]

I'm focusing on mellowing out..not a damn thing I can do..I won't leave her now with a new child on its way..going back to the gym and hanging out at this little bar I found. Just a couple of drink but the people are real friendly and ones you can talk with. Been getting a lot of support from some of these new friends...this whole thing is just so damn hard but I'm going to focus on building myself back up..I see what's happening to me..there's nothing I can do about her but I need to fix myself for my kids..I want this new child to have the father they need..plain and simple.

[Cephalopod]

Time is on your side TH. Remember you are not under any obligation to hurry your healing; not for your wife, not for anyone. Take each day as it comes, and until you get your head together, don't make any promises to your WW. You cannot at this point be sure of any of her motives, especially while she is in the fog. Don't promise to R, don't promise to D, don't promise anything. Only make promises to yourself.

[mercy]

I'm focusing on mellowing out..not a damn thing I can do..I won't leave her now with a new child on its way..going back to the gym and hanging out at this little bar I found. Just a couple of drink but the people are real friendly and ones you can talk with. Been getting a lot of support from some of these new friends...this whole thing is just so damn hard but I'm going to focus on building myself back up..I see what's happening to me..there's nothing I can do about her but I need to fix myself for my kids..I want this new child to have the father they need..plain and simple.

 

I think I can help you with that {the embolden} just give it a chance. I understand you are a tough Texas man but my h is a military sharp shooter and he believes in me so you can too. When you are feeling out of control I want you to breath and be aware of your breathing only.

 

Deep breath in...... long... slow... breath out. The exhale breath should be slowly releasing and relaxing your chest, shoulders and your neck. Deep. calming, releasing. Deep breath in slowly using the breath to release the tension. Only concentrate on the breathing, in out in out. If your mind wanders bring it back to the breathing think of nothing but the healing powers of the breath. Best to do outside so you can be one with nature.

 

Think of a favorite place of yours, fishing hole maybe. Just a place that is only water earth or sky. Close your eyes, you are there, calming, relaxing, only you, no one else around. Breath in deeply, breath out releasing the tension calming the muscles. Anytime your mind seems to wander bring it back to your peaceful place. If your mind begins to chatter and you can't quiet it choose two words. One for inhale one for exhale.

 

Examples - inhale say 'just' exhale say 'breathe' You can choose your two words whatever brings you comfort.

 

Any time you feel out of control breathe. Honestly it works. Peace is what you need, and mindfulness, for you to be whole again. One in body and spirit that is my hope for you.

Edited April 28, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fix quote

[SydCar]

TH I just read your whole thread and am very sorry that you are in this position. Those around you need to know that what you are feeling is very normal and that this will not just go away and it could take years for it to even start to lessen.

 

I have a feeling that you need to know the full truth from her and I don't think you have it - she may be trying to protect you or even out of shame but she has not revealed why she did this in full honesty.

 

I believe she needs to be completely honest for you to even start to heal. She needs to say - YES I ENJOYED IT. IT WAS PRETTY GREAT AND EXCITING. THE MAN'S PENIS WAS ATTRACTIVE or whatever - instead of it wasn't that great or I didn't really orgasm etc because this makes the whole situation worse. It means that she did this for no real reason which is not credible or acceptable.

 

I wish you well and speedy healing and I hope you take whatever time you need to get through this.

 

And you do not need to stay with her just because you have new baby on the way. You can still divorce but be a decent father (which you are).

 

I would not trust her until she really opens up and shows you she truly cares about you.

[Texashunter]

So been in a somewhat better place last few days. Going to my lil dive bar and chatting with the older crowd that hangs there has helped me get my mind off things. When in there I don't even really think about her or her affair at all..the people are either my age or older and some have the same problems I have or have been there at some point in their lives..I don't go get drunk or anything..just a couple of drinks to help unwind some with a lot of talking, laughing and bar popcorn. I end up going home in a better mood and can be a little more positive with my kids and talk with my wife without so much hate..talk about the affair but with a little more self control and allow her to talk openly.

[Cephalopod]

So been in a somewhat better place last few days. Going to my lil dive bar and chatting with the older crowd that hangs there has helped me get my mind off things. When in there I don't even really think about her or her affair at all..the people are either my age or older and some have the same problems I have or have been there at some point in their lives..I don't go get drunk or anything..just a couple of drinks to help unwind some with a lot of talking, laughing and bar popcorn. I end up going home in a better mood and can be a little more positive with my kids and talk with my wife without so much hate..talk about the affair but with a little more self control and allow her to talk openly.

 

That is good. It is best to get with the herd and not stew by alone yourself.

[Texashunter]

One of the things I've noticed lately is this..why is it if a man cheat people are always" wow what a pos..how could he do that to her blah blah blah"...but when a woman cheats they are oh my..poor thing..can't beleieve she did that..he must have drove her to it or he wasn't taking care of her and she needed to go out and feel something"...???? Why does it seem a woman gets all the sympathy no matter what..it's always something they guy did for it to happen..I've been sitting here trying to understand some thing and I keep hearing this. I was devoted like no other..I loved her more than anyone ever has and I was willing to do anything to make her happy..but yet this stranger was so much better than me..she keeps saying how I am more than he ever was and better looking etc etc etc..but yet there was nothing about me that could win her back or stop her from doing it...only now am I those things..that I should believe her now when she says it..that now this guy could never compete with me..I'm so much better than him in every way possible...why is it only after me finally calling her out and having all the proof of her affair does she now want me in the way I wanted her...like I'm sorry I went and gave this guy everything you wanted and more without question or hesitation..but now after getting caught I want you and what we had but better..I wasn't good enough or good looking enough to keep you befor but now!!! Oh now your more than that guy was..WTF!!!

Edited April 28, 2017 by Texashunter

[kgcolonel]

From one Texan to another...some times people can be very self destructive. She also sounds like there was some GIGS involved here and found out that the grass isn't greener and is figuring out how to get back to the other side of the fence so to speak.

 

She may really feel the way she is telling you but only you can decide whether or not to accept it for what it is. She f'd up and it is up to you to either let her go or take her back....I'm not sure I could take her back but that's me....do what your heart leads you to do though and do it 100%.

Edited April 28, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Redact full quote of immediately preceding post

[Life lessons]

One of the things I've noticed lately is this..why is it if a man cheat people are always" wow what a pos..how could he do that to her blah blah blah"...but when a woman cheats they are oh my..poor thing..can't beleieve she did that..<snip>

 

TH...I can't answer your question in regards to why men seem to get the more difficult end of things, when an affair occurs, although I can completely see where your wife is coming from.

 

I had an affair as well and I love my husband dearly. An affair is about the excitement....the fantasy.....the addiction that it brings. They suck us in and yes, although we dearly want our husbands and want futures with our husbands, we find it difficult to fight the addiction and excitement that the affair brings!

 

So, I have to say, as a WW, that I understand how your WW can say and truly mean the things said.....because I also feel that way!

Edited April 28, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Truncate quote

[Overtaxed]

One of the things I've noticed lately is this..why is it if a man cheat people are always" wow what a pos..how could he do that to her blah blah blah"...but when a woman cheats they are oh my..poor thing..can't beleieve she did that..he must have drove her to it or he wasn't taking care of her and she needed to go out and feel something"...???? Why does it seem a woman gets all the sympathy no matter what..it's always something they guy did for it to happen..I've been sitting here trying to understand some thing and I keep hearing this. I was devoted like no other..I loved her more than anyone ever has and I was willing to do anything to make her happy..but yet this stranger was so much better than me..she keeps saying how I am more than he ever was and better looking etc etc etc..but yet there was nothing about me that could win her back or stop her from doing it...only now am I those things..that I should believe her now when she says it..that now this guy could never compete with me..I'm so much better than him in every way possible...why is it only after me finally calling her out and having all the proof of her affair does she now want me in the way I wanted her...like I'm sorry I went and gave this guy everything you wanted and more without question or hesitation..but now after getting caught I want you and what we had but better..I wasn't good enough or good looking enough to keep you befor but now!!! Oh now your more than that guy was..WTF!!!

 

Wow, does this hit home. Exactly the situation with my wife and I. I know the AP, and without being a complete a**, he really doesn't hold a candle to me, physically, financially or intelligence. And, he was married and playing my wife for a fool. And yet, here I sit, thinking about the things she gave him sexually that we've never done together. The way our relationship was falling apart around us, the things she said to her family members about me during the A, just wondering to myself, "How did you let yourself believe that"? And yes, I'm in R, and we now have the "what we had but better" and, if this is where we were today without the A, I'd be thrilled. But, man, does it sting, thinking about the things they did together wrapped up in a total fantasy world; a world that I can't seem to inhabit in her mind.

 

As to the first part of your post, running the risk of the ban hammer, that's just society today. "He cheats, his fault, she cheats, his fault". It's a lack of agency assigned to women, and it's probably a big part of the reason we're seeing more female cheaters today; they know, much like it was back 50-100 years ago, that cheating is kind of "accepted" for women now. There are actually some "You go girl" sites out there for women stepping out on their husbands; yes, they exist for guys as well, but it's not about being "in the right" or "she deserved it" for guys, it's all about getting more/better sex (the cheater sites, not every A, but, IMHO, most of them for men). Women have a unique situation right now of being equal with men legally, but not being held to the same standard as men morally. And this is the result, a double standard that's terribly damaging to both men and women. Male teacher sleeps with student in high school, sex offender, living under a bridge for the rest of his life. Female teacher does the same thing, a slap on the wrist. Male complains about lack of sex in a relationship, "Suck it up, you're lucky you're getting any" (which, BTW, is not so much on display here at LS, but in society in general). Woman complains about lack of sex "He's a loser; he must be cheating, he doesn't deserve you anyway, you should have an A". Female falls in "love" with an AP; "You should D your husband and take what's yours in the process (take him to the cleaner being the implied message) and restart your life", male falls in "love" with their AP; "You should divorce your wife and give her everything including full custody of the kids and prepare to pay as much child support as she asks for".

 

Yes, it's a shocking double standard and it's on display here. I've been following your story, and, from what I can see, you've been a great man to this woman, and even if you weren't, YOU DON'T DESERVE WHAT SHE DID. At worst, you might deserve a divorce (and I don't see that at all from what you posted), but, not this. Nobody deserves this. If your (or my) W wants out of the marriage, tell your partner and get a D. Don't blow things up and hope they will change (which it appears perhaps both of our wives did).

[GoldenR]

So, I have to say, as a WW, that I understand how your WW can say and truly mean the things said.....because I also feel that way!

 

But your H has no clue that you were giving yourself to another man. And you're not telling him how much you love him and want only him to convince him otherwise bc of him knowing about your A, bc again, he doesn't know. The situations are nothing alike.

[QuietDan]

TH...I can't answer your question in regards to why men seem to get the more difficult end of things, when an affair occurs, although I can completely see where your wife is coming from.

 

I had an affair as well and I love my husband dearly. An affair is about the excitement....the fantasy.....the addiction that it brings. They suck us in and yes, although we dearly want our husbands and want futures with our husbands, we find it difficult to fight the addiction and excitement that the affair brings!

 

So, I have to say, as a WW, that I understand how your WW can say and truly mean the things said.....because I also feel that way!

 

I see that you used present tense for "feel". Revelation usually brings those feelings to an end. Then one is usually left with a bad hangover.

[BluesPower]

One of the things I've noticed lately is this..why is it if a man cheat people are always" wow what a pos..how could he do that to her blah blah blah"...but when a woman cheats they are oh my..poor thing..can't beleieve she did that..he must have drove her to it or he wasn't taking care of her and she needed to go out and feel something"...???? Why does it seem a woman gets all the sympathy no matter what..it's always something they guy did for it to happen..I've been sitting here trying to understand some thing and I keep hearing this. I was devoted like no other..I loved her more than anyone ever has and I was willing to do anything to make her happy..but yet this stranger was so much better than me..she keeps saying how I am more than he ever was and better looking etc etc etc..but yet there was nothing about me that could win her back or stop her from doing it...only now am I those things..that I should believe her now when she says it..that now this guy could never compete with me..I'm so much better than him in every way possible...why is it only after me finally calling her out and having all the proof of her affair does she now want me in the way I wanted her...like I'm sorry I went and gave this guy everything you wanted and more without question or hesitation..but now after getting caught I want you and what we had but better..I wasn't good enough or good looking enough to keep you befor but now!!! Oh now your more than that guy was..WTF!!!

 

Yeah, how about that... Isn't that funny how that works.

 

First thing is...in life...It is always the guys fault. These little delicate flowers must have been treated wrong somehow in order for them to have done that. Yeah, Right...

 

Second thing is, you are the bee knees now that she is caught.

 

All of that is complete BS in every way.

 

We are always great after the fact because we are stupid enough to take them back and keep their standard of living up.

 

The whole thing sucks...

Edited April 28, 2017 by BluesPower

[mercy]

 

 

 

We are always great after the fact because we are stupid enough to take them back and keep their standard of living up.

 

The whole thing sucks...

 

I don't think forgiveness is stupid. Reconciliation is not for the faint-hearted.

 

Infidelity knocks you to your knees. The true character is what you do when you rise.

[BluesPower]

I don't think forgiveness is stupid. Reconciliation is not for the faint-hearted.

 

Infidelity knocks you to your knees. The true character is what you do when you rise.

 

That is a nice sentiment...

 

But hon the truth is that men are stupid for taking some women back, I sure was and her affairs were not the worst thing she did to me.

 

I was in love, I had kids to raise, and I was a complete fool.

 

Not everyone is a stupid as I was, but the key word there is was. No more.

 

Hell, I am not even sure I knew what is was like to be truly loved until I went though the first few GF's.

 

So yes ma'am, some of us men are really stupid. The good news is that when we get hit in the head with a 2x4 a few times, our brains start to work better. Who knew...

[Life lessons]

I see that you used present tense for "feel". Revelation usually brings those feelings to an end. Then one is usually left with a bad hangover.

 

Yes present tense as in I understand how his wife feels when she says she loves Texas, etc. I'm not referring to the OM here....I'm referring to husband.