Trying to understand wife's [past] affair

[merrmeade]

Listen, fellow Texan: You're breakin' my heart here. I hear the awful, undeserved self-doubt beneath your last two posts and it's killing me. You need to realize it's not that you're not all the things you've said about yourself — which is leagues better than he is in every way.

 

I think he did the usual: He flattered and lied about himself to create a mutual admiration society. That's first and foremost. He made the forbidden seem desirable just because it was forbidden.

 

I felt the same as you. Shocked that he would cheat on me with "someone like that." In my case, it was more than once and I thought that about each one. Heck, I'd won those stupid beauty contests at two colleges (someone else's idea) and couldn't understand why he'd rather have someone barely pretty. It felt like rejection no matter what anyone said for months. My husband assured me there was nothing wrong with me, that it had nothing to do with my attractiveness. I finally accepted that he was the flawed one.

 

You have to stop beating yourself up in this way. It is an irrational act that you're trying to make rational. You just can't. You have to accept that your wife has a huge problem that is all hers. Then you have to decide whether you want to live with her and HER flaws.

 

When you go over all those ways that you think you're better than the ex-AP, try to turn it around. Instead, use it as a truth talk to yourself that you are more than worth it.

Edited April 14, 2017 by merrmeade

[WilyWill]

If there's anything to polygraph about, it's to determine what her real feelings were for him. It sounds like the only reason the affair stopped is because the other man got caught.

 

It's likely that your wife was hoping for a bright future with him but had to fall back on you as "plan B" when things didn't work out. This is a question she can answer in a polygraph.

 

But I were in this situation, I'd already be on my way to a divorce.

[aliveagain]

Texashunter, you will always be the better man. Women that are broken tend to look for affair partners that mirror themselves, he matches her present level of behaviour and maturity. Moral men wouldn't knowingly date a married woman so she isn't going to find a willing affair partner who has the same morals as you, he will lack morals just like her. Her affair is a walk on the wild side, an affair partner who is too much like you would make her think of you and thinking of you would cause her to feel guilt. She didn't choose the other man because he is better then you or because you somehow failed her, she chose him because he was willing and morally available.

 

She let him do whatever he wanted, she allowed him to live out his fantasies as long as she got her kibbles and control. She gets validation from him from the knowledge that she has a useful purpose in his life as sick as that sounds. The high she was getting eventually gets replaced with the low that comes from being the other woman, the home wrecker, you have to lower yourself for that position. The real fantasy in all of this mess is as bad as felt about herself before it doesn't come close to where she is now. No, the other man will never be anywhere near your caliber of man.

[road]

Texashunter, for all those screaming divorce they ignore two things.

 

You have four kids, nothing supplies motivation to recovery a marriage

as good as that.

 

You have a WW willing to start doing the work.

 

I have seen many marriages where the WW's story was way worse

then yours and they saved their marriage.

 

Now it is for you to decide what course you want to take. The important

thing is your brain is so messed up it is not the best time to make life

changing decisions. It will take your brain six months to process all that

has happened since D day before you will be able to think clear enough

to make a sound decision. Use time as your ally.

[Cephalopod]

But that's the thing, when I meet the guy the first time I knew he was a douche. He was overly cocky and thought he was a billy bad ass because he was in the army. He was a punk pvt..he told her he was ranger..which was also false as sht..she said she like him because she thought was was very confident. That's she found him attractive. But if you saw they guy you'd go horse sht..he looks like a scum bag. Ya so he was a little bit more fit..but wormy..not muscled or really cut looking..I have way larger muscle mass then him and she chose him to screw me over with..what's that say about me and my looks?? I would have at least given her credit if she had upgraded to a hot guy..but this lil bith was anything special at all..and that's being nice.. so it tells me I'm not attractive to her and not good looking at all to mess with him and want him so badly she would fly..not to mention cheat for 17 months..and then to do anything he desired without hesitation...you want to kill someone's self image...she killed it, burnt it and threw i in the trash..

 

My exWW's boyfriends were all inferior to me, except maybe in cock-size. Again, its not so much about the quality of the person they are dating but more about the ego kibble transactions that take place. My exWW has a pathological need to be doted on and paid attention to by as many men as possible. There is not one single man on this earth that can satisfy her craving for attention and external validation.

 

Your wife was craving validation from another man. Doesn't necessarily mean she fell out of love with you, but her need to be groomed and seduced by a man other than you was too much of a temptation. The OM knew what buttons to push and she willingly went with it. The porno sex was the cost of admission. She bartered her body for the fantasy she was experiencing with him. That fantasy was addictive and all consuming. THAT is why she kept going back. Not because the sex was necessarily better.

 

You need to get this through your head, because her affair had nothing to do with your quality as a man and lover.

[Cephalopod]

If there's anything to polygraph about, it's to determine what her real feelings were for him. It sounds like the only reason the affair stopped is because the other man got caught.

 

It's likely that your wife was hoping for a bright future with him but had to fall back on you as "plan B" when things didn't work out. This is a question she can answer in a polygraph.

 

But I were in this situation, I'd already be on my way to a divorce.

 

I don't agree with this.

 

I think she just had the OM as a side-piece. She wasn't planning any kind of future with him. He was a bozo to be toyed with and used, and she knew that. If she loved him or desired him over her husband she would not have dumped him so quickly once they got caught. She used him as an escape from the humdrum.

[Cephalopod]

He got sex with her at least twice and got to do what ever he wanted with her, he got to make sex videos of the 2 of them..he got as many sex picture and I mean a lot when ever he ask..and she would do it no matter where she was, home and around us. She sent him video of her playing with herself and he got to face time with her and watch her play with herself live while she got to watch him jerk off..plus she boosted his ego by telling him how great he was in bed and how bad she wanted him..

 

It hurts, and this right here is enough to divorce her and never look back. But this behavior is not uncommon with female waywards. Again, she was willing to do these things because he was giving her attention and ego-boosting in return.

 

I also think she had a lot of resentment built up against you for having to be the main breadwinner while you finished school. Women are programmed by thousands of years of social evolution to be taken care of by their husbands. Even today, as much as women have found equality in the home and workplace, they still look to the husband to bring in as much or more financially to the marriage than they do. Feminists do not want to admit this but it is true.

 

From a practical mindset, your wife knew that you would eventually get a good job and basically pay her back for all her sacrifices by taking over as the main breadwinner. In her mind it was a logical transaction. But her reptile brain was screaming "NO FAIR!" because you, as the male, were supposed to be supporting her.

 

Women are screwed up. They are the victims of a war between their logical minds and their evolutionary drives.

[HereNorThere]

It is true that there are studies by legitimate researchers (Harvard University) that show the biggest predictor of divorce is the Husband's employment status. Being a stay at home Dad is a super dangerous position for a man to be in when it comes to his marriage. Not saying that happened to you but it is certainly a possibility.

 

Women hate being viewed as sex objects but for some reason it's okay to still view us success objects.

 

https://www.bloomberg.com/news/articles/2016-07-28/don-t-blame-divorce-on-money-ask-did-the-husband-have-a-job?utm_content=business&utm_campaign=socialflow-organic&utm_source=twitter&utm_medium=social&cmpid%253D=socialflow-twitter-business

 

The Husband?s Job Is the Best Predictor of Divorce -- Science of Us

 

Don't shoot the messenger, folks. We should all be working together to end injustice regardless of the gender of the victim.

[aliveagain]

Friend you are in a lot of pain and the only way to release it is to go through it, take all the time you need to get yourself to a place that you feel in control enough to make such a life changing decision. There is no right or wrong choice but there is a choice that is best for you and your four children. Both Road and Cephalopod are giving you good advice.

 

Every husband trusts their wife, fidelity is part of your marriage agreement, it's only natural that you trusted your wife. It's normal to want the woman you married to be different then all the others in the statistics you read about. Confirming an affair is devastating but give the shock time to work itself out. An affair is not the end of the world and may or may not be the end of your marriage, that decision is up to you. My policy is zero tolerance but I am not you. Take the information you get from here and use only what you feel is helpful to you and your situation. Nothing has to happen today but a decision will have to be made. Watch her actions as her words will mean very little to you at this time.

[aliveagain]

Right now I'm trying just to focus on the kids and the baby on the way..the postnatal thing I am really looking into and going to go through with that for sure if this goes any further.

 

The postnuptial and it's financial consequence works when you have a spouse that doesn't honour boundaries, they may not keep their word but they certainly don't want to be broke and living on the street. It's a strong deterrent against a future infidelity.

 

Just one more point I need to make and that is please don't let her bad choices mar the beauty that should be associated with the miracle of bringing a new life into the world. Do not associate the affair with the birth of your child, it's an easy thing to do if you let it. Get all the help you need from the best professionals you can afford because this child deserves all your love. I hate bringing sh*t like that up but you need to plan for that because you can never know what will be a trigger until it happens.

[Ahurtgirl]

It sounds like emotions are running very high for both sides. Take time apart for awhile from each other. Picture what life would be like without the other person, as families who lose a spouse to cancer, accidents, sudden illnesses do every single day. If your wife died tomorrow, would that bring you peace? If your husband died tomorrow, would that bring you peace? Stop focusing on what happened in the past if you care at all about your kids. God isn't going to judge you on what you did but by how you reacted and how you either helped to heal your family or did you choose to destroy it with your anger. Maybe ask your kids what they want to happen. Kids are usually pretty intuitive and can tell you if they want mom and dad to stay together.

[GoldenR]

God isn't going to judge you on what you did but by how you reacted and how you either helped to heal your family or did you choose to destroy it with your anger.

 

His anger destroyed the family?

[drifter777]

It sounds like emotions are running very high for both sides. Take time apart for awhile from each other. Picture what life would be like without the other person, as families who lose a spouse to cancer, accidents, sudden illnesses do every single day. If your wife died tomorrow, would that bring you peace? If your husband died tomorrow, would that bring you peace? Stop focusing on what happened in the past if you care at all about your kids. God isn't going to judge you on what you did but by how you reacted and how you either helped to heal your family or did you choose to destroy it with your anger. Maybe ask your kids what they want to happen. Kids are usually pretty intuitive and can tell you if they want mom and dad to stay together.

Advising BH's to sweep it under the rug and tough it out to "save" the family is maybe the worst advice ever. This is a man's natural inclination and it usually leads to depression over the fact that he knows he allowed his wife to emasculate him and all he did was say "that's ok - we'll get through this" - crushing his male ego and self-esteem.

 

If a man is ok - for the most part - with the sexual component of her cheating than he has a chance to reconcile. In general, men can work through the emotional aspects of an affair - it's the sex that kills them.

[drifter777]

Tex - I really don't understand your reluctance to divorce this woman. Those video's you saw where the absolute death-knell of your relationship. They will haunt you forever and, if you stay with her, you will never heal because each time you see her face or try to have sex with her or even hear her voice it will be a trigger for those video's to start playing in your head. Frankly, I don't know how you stayed with her for a single second after viewing them. You have tried hard to swallow this $hit sandwich and you know that it is not possible.

 

You are not destroying your family. Your children will be better off with a father who is happy, confident and emotionally available to them than they will be with a broken man who is simply trying to hold himself together. Shared custody is common and I would bet you will actually see & spend more time with your kids in that arrangement than you are able to know. Your WW will be better off as well. She needs a fresh start with someone she hasn't betrayed in the worst possible way who very likely holds a seething hatred for her just under the surface. You both deserve a chance to start over.

 

Those videos are the trump card in this whole thing - they erase any argument for trying to reconcile. Don't destroy the best years of your life out of fear of the unknown. I would venture to say that anything is better than what you are going to have to live with if you stay.

[HereNorThere]

It sounds like emotions are running very high for both sides. Take time apart for awhile from each other. Picture what life would be like without the other person, as families who lose a spouse to cancer, accidents, sudden illnesses do every single day. If your wife died tomorrow, would that bring you peace? If your husband died tomorrow, would that bring you peace? Stop focusing on what happened in the past if you care at all about your kids. God isn't going to judge you on what you did but by how you reacted and how you either helped to heal your family or did you choose to destroy it with your anger. Maybe ask your kids what they want to happen. Kids are usually pretty intuitive and can tell you if they want mom and dad to stay together.

 

Whaaaat?

 

Asking the kids to decide the fate of their marriage, really? Yeah, great idea. Let them live with the guilt of knowing they caused their parent's divorce or forced their father to stay in an abusive relationship. What in the world would a 10 year old know about whether or not they should stay together?

 

"Kids, what you do you think Mommy and Daddy should do?"

 

"BUY US A NEW XBOX AND PONY!!"

[Mr Blunt]

Texas Hunter

You have only two issue, at this time, to give 100% of your thoughts and actions to and they are:

 

1 YOU getting stronger and better. If you do not get better then you will be no good to anyone including your children

 

2 Protecting and helping your children

 

Any diversion from giving 100% to the above will be to your detriment

 

 

Get all the help that you can and be patient and determined. Know that you can get a lot better with time, help, and effort.

[Life lessons]

I am the WS. TexasHunter asked me to create a profile and post here because he thinks that maybe someone here will see something in what I write that will make things clearer for him. That maybe if I address some of the questions here, things will make sense. I explained that that won't happen...to you all, I am (rightfully so) the woman who betrayed her husband, cheated on him for nearly 18 months and quite clearly broke his heart. I am the enemy here.

I do want to say thank you to many of you reading this, because so many of you have given good insight and advice, both to me and to him. I keep saying to him that no explanation or reason why from me will ever make sense....and time will prove how serious I am about recommitting to our life and our marriage. The thing is, and yes, I have told him this - there is absolutely nothing I can do or say to fix what I've done, to take back the hurt or to make it right. There is no reason for cheating. Ever. And I knew that. So then how could I do what I did?? I wish I had an explanation. I was selfish and felt that I had spent so much of my life taking care of others and making sure everyone else was happy....I made myself believe that just because I felt like by husband ignored me and talked rude to me and was depressed, that I was unhappy. That is absolutely no reason to do what I did!!! And why, if I wanted to fix my marriage, didn't I stop? Again, no good reason! I was caught up in it and I wasn't thinking - not about how much I was breaking myself, my husband, our relationship. And I am typically the planner, the over-analyzer, the one to thinks through all possible scenarios....and in this case I did none of that. That is what makes it so unbelievable, because I don't even recognize myself. But I do take full responsibility and ownership of what I have done and how it has hurt not only my husband and our children, but everyone that I know. And I fully regret what I have done. I know that I will never ever choose to lie and cheat and betray this wonderful man you all know as TexasHunter again. I am so very thankful that he has not kicked me out and that he is willing to give us a chance. I am trying in every way I can think of to show him how much I care about him, how much I want to be with him and how sorry I am. Some days are better than others and I am willing to go through the ups and downs with him, no matter how difficult it is.

 

 

Hi! I recently started reading your husbands thread and just now have seen your post. I want to say I am also a WW. Only I haven't confessed to my h, nor was there a d-day.

 

Anyways, to my point of replying, I want to say I understand what you're expressing in regards to not knowing the reasons "why"! Like you, I have a fantastic husband whom I love dearly and I chose to betray him in such a disguisting way. So I do understand how you're unable to answer the questions of ..... "how could I do something like this knowing I love my husband so much".... I too, feel the same way....have the same thought.

 

I do believe it's the excitement and the addiction the A brings. Unfortunately, we don't think of our husband when in the A. Sad but true! We don't think of the life we could lose. For whatever reason, those are not thoughts that cross the mind during that time.

 

But I wanted to let you know that I do understand how you can't answer the difficult questions.....neither can I.

 

You are very lucky that your husband is giving you another chance! Very lucky!

 

Congratulations on the baby and good luck with your marriage!

 

May I ask...it may have been previously asked and answered....as I'm not finished reading this thread yet, but when were you planning on ending the A, if you had not been caught? I saw you kept trying to end it but that you were unsuccessful, so what would you have done to successfully end the A? Would you have confessed, if you weren't caught?

[Imajerk17]

As far as I know, texashunter did not say for sure whether or not he will take ruined_my_love back. And truly, my feelings reading this whole thread with all the details, is that I hope he does NOT take her back.

 

It's like when you read of someone doing a truly heinous crime and then, after they are caught, during their day in court, they start going on a crying jag saying how they are oh so so so so sorry and can they please have lenience. No, it doesn't work like that, instead you hope the sentencing is tough. Here, the time for being oh so so so sorry surely came BEFORE the affair was 17 months old and ruined_my_love got caught. So, no sympathy from me. Ruined did the crime now she has got to pay the consequences.

Edited April 14, 2017 by Imajerk17

[drifter777]

Texashunter, for all those screaming divorce they ignore two things.

 

You have four kids, nothing supplies motivation to recovery a marriage

as good as that.

 

You have a WW willing to start doing the work.

 

I have seen many marriages where the WW's story was way worse

then yours and they saved their marriage.

 

Now it is for you to decide what course you want to take. The important

thing is your brain is so messed up it is not the best time to make life

changing decisions. It will take your brain six months to process all that

has happened since D day before you will be able to think clear enough

to make a sound decision. Use time as your ally.

 

And you ignore the biggest impediment to reconciliation ever.

 

He has seen the homemade porno movies that she made with OM (...drops mic)

Edited April 14, 2017 by drifter777

[Imajerk17]

Advising BH's to sweep it under the rug and tough it out to "save" the family is maybe the worst advice ever. This is a man's natural inclination and it usually leads to depression over the fact that he knows he allowed his wife to emasculate him and all he did was say "that's ok - we'll get through this" - crushing his male ego and self-esteem.

 

If a man is ok - for the most part - with the sexual component of her cheating than he has a chance to reconcile. In general, men can work through the emotional aspects of an affair - it's the sex that kills them.

 

I agree. Also, kids are pretty perceptive. Yes, their 10-year-old probably has a pretty good idea of what is going on, but maybe the 6- and 5-year-old understand a decent amount too. They are forming their expectations of future romantic relationships from watching their parents' current relationship and how Dad handles things.

 

Do you really think it does these boys good to watch their dad eat such a huge **** sandwich?

Edited April 14, 2017 by Imajerk17

[Life lessons]

The length of the affair still confuses me..there was no love and want to leave for the AP but yet it just keep going even without having any more physical contact..maybe that's just me..why continue something for that long

 

We're they carrying on an EA....with the daily talks, texts, etc.? With mine, we also were only intimate a few times but we talked daily.

[GoldenR]

 

You are very lucky that your husband is giving you another chance! Very lucky!

 

Congratulations on the baby and good luck with your marriage!

 

I'm not quite sure if we're reading the same thread, as this is as far as Vahn possibly be from a happy ending.

[Life lessons]

I'm not quite sure if we're reading the same thread, as this is as far as Vahn possibly be from a happy ending.

 

Correct...we are reading the same thread.

 

I posted the question to the post before I finished the thread in its entirety.

 

I now see that the OP may not be reconciling with his wife.

 

I was congratulating the pregnancy news.

 

Also, to the OP, if my memory serves me correct, I recall you stating that the videos were destroyed and you did NOT view them. Is this correct? I couldn't imagine watching recordings of my husband with another female. I would never be able to get the images out of my mind.

 

I wish you well....no matter the path you take.

[Texashunter]

I only know about the videos and what was on them. I never got to see those actually..just a couple they sent to each other playing with their selfs and some of the pics they sent. I think had I seen the sex videos they made together there would be no way I could even try with her in the least bit.

[Texashunter]

We're they carrying on an EA....with the daily talks, texts, etc.? With mine, we also were only intimate a few times but we talked daily.

 

I don't what to call it but majority was a EA..physical 3 times but the rest was emails, pics, short videos, FaceTimes, texts and phone calls..the sex stuff happened very early on. Within the first 2 months of the affair and that was it. He lived in Arizona so there was no easy access.