Trying to understand wife's [past] affair

[Texashunter]

The affair ended by him at the end of September 2016..she says she was happy he stopped emailing her..that was was ready for it all to be over with him..to me I feel she grew tired of him and the same requests day in day out..she finally started to see him for what he was and what she thought he was..she said she wanted to end it but didn't really know how too..she was afraid he would get mad and try to contact me..to which I said would only increased my need to hurt him badly..but non the less she just wanted him to disappear.

[HereNorThere]

The inconsistencies in her stories versus what actually happened would be enough to drive anyone mad.

 

Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't his wife catch them and they still continued? If so, wouldn't that have been the best time to stop? Also, wouldn't his wife be the biggest threat to keeping her secret? His betrayed spouse would be more likely to tell you than the affair partner.

 

Sounds fishy. I'm not saying she's lying but at the very least she's minimizing and trying to paint herself in the best light possible. You know, she didn't really enjoy the sex (despite her text to him saying the opposite or her actions continuing to be sexual with him.) She was trying to protect you, etc. She was glad HE stopped emailing (which tells me she never stopped, she was dumped when he got tired of her.) Maybe she truly believes all that now but I would be really cautious of a spouse that can so easily rewrite history.

[Life lessons]

I would be a little skeptical to believe that she wanted to end it as well. I was in a similar situation....only mine was less than a year and my OM was single and I ended it, when I was ready to end it.

 

I know every situation is different, although there are many similarities and I don't think I'd be so quick to accept that she wanted to end it. I do believe she would've ended the A., if she were really tired of it.

 

i also have a difficult time believing the sex was not great with the OM. Affair sex is new--forbidden and there is an excitement there. Even if he weren't larger than you, I'm sure most, if not all, in an A enjoy the sex.

 

It's your marriage and I'm honestly not in much of a position to give advice considering I've not confessed about my A., but it does seem like you're going to take her word on most of the things she has stated and you're giving her the benefit of the doubt.....please, do be careful! If she didn't enjoy the A., she wouldn't have stayed in it for 18 months. Whether it was sex or not, there was something there that she enjoyed or else she wouldn't have face timed him, sent photos, etc., for a year and a half. She could have easily said she was busy with family, went days in between, etc. ....in all honesty, there's many things she could've done to avoid contact....trust me on that...I know because I did many.

Edited April 15, 2017 by Life lessons

[HereNorThere]

I can tell you're hitting a phase in your grief that the majority of posters here go through. It's basically a form of bargaining. We see it time and time again on threads. It's like a lawyer going through the evidence looking for some sort of technicality or way to frame the defendants actions in a more positive light. Typically it's some sort of boundary the spouse didn't cross but if they had, the betrayed spouse would be gone. Examples I've seen are: If they had sex our marital bed I'd be gone, if they had been a physical instead of emotional, emotional instead of physical, if they brought the AP around the kids, if they sent pictures, if they didn't send pictures, etc. Then some new evidence comes to light and BS moves goal post. Well, they did it in our bed but at least she washed the sheets. Oh she didn't wash the sheets? At least they didn't do it in the kid's bed.

 

The thing is - nearly all of us did it and nearly all of us regret every single moment we spent doing it. There's no reason to keep torturing yourself. You're wallowing around in the mud but brother, that's not your mud! Don't get her stinch all over you because it's not your burden to bare. When you walk away from this, make sure you're clean. It's her mess because she created it.

 

If you're going to stay, by all means keep searching for the truth. If you aren't, there's no reason keep digging up corpses. You woke up today, you're still breathing, the sun is still shining and you have something a lot of people don't have - A CHANCE. A chance to live life, meet new people, get in shape, improve yourself and rebuild! I know it's possible because I did it.

 

Like you, I ended up here which led me to end up in a crappy therapist's office. Man, he was awful. Dude was like "how about golf, you like golf?" Dr. Phil looking mf'r telling me I should try playing golf when I look like a skeleton, not eating, sleeping, about to lose my job, etc. The thing is, I didn't quit therapy, I quit that therapist. I did my research and found a better one. I decided I deserved better and went out and found it. This year marks 5 years since I started my current therapist and I wish you could see a before and after of my life. It's like someone took my soul to the laundromat. I regret the woman, I regret the time spent wallowing, but I'd still do the whole thing over again if that's what it took to get me here.

 

Don't get mad, get better. Bury your dead, haul away the wreckage and build something bigger and better for yourself. There is no alternative that doesn't involve you sacrificing your life for nothing. This isn't about her her, it's about YOU. And when the time comes, I hope to see you on the dating forum. Don't worry, we'll get you up to speed in no time!

[understand50]

TexasHunter,

 

I wanted to post on you and your wife moving forward. You both have gone over in this thread on what was done, and I think you have a good idea of just what she did. I would caution you if chasing the "whole" truth, or the truth in such fine detail. At some point you will be chasing that last 5%, and she just may not remember, or can tell you. The same can be said of why. The why of her actions will always be like a onion. Many layers, from "I was mad and unhappy with you", to "I just wanted the sex", and everything in between. She may not really know the "why". I can relate from experience, that the best you can know is mostly know the "why", but in the end the only thing there is for "why" is "because I wanted to and could".

 

From your posting and hers, I believe that you want to stay together. I am going to write about some practicable things, my wife and I did to get get over our issues. Now, this is what is working for us. It may not for you and you wife. There are others here that have reconciled and can share their stories. Mr & Mrs Adams comes to mind. Betrayed&stayed, and others. From all of what they did you may find the path to go forward with your marriage. Take what you need and leave what does not work. Remember, you and your wife, were not born knowing how to do this. You must learn as you go along. One thing you may notice, is that each couple tried many things until they hit on what worked for them. Maybe that is the key, a willingness to keep working at it and trying things until, low and behold, something works.

 

So there are good resources for what a wondering spouse needs to do. Hopefully you have read and you wife as well the following:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/365269-things-every-wayward-spouse-needs-know

 

Linda McDonald's book, " How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair:"

 

http://www.lindajmacdonald.com/HOW_T...FINAL_pdf-.pdf

 

You may have read them already, do so again. There is much good information, and both of you talking about it may help. Again, if it does not, move on to something else. BTW, this would apply to MC and IC. If it is not working for you, or just too expensive and that causes issues, try someone else, or try something else. Point is what is the goal? The best possible marriage and relationship that can be had.

 

Anther thing that will be talked about is remorse. You wife needs to show remorse. Just what is remorse? You will find that it is many things to many people. Here is a thread, that discusses, and has many good posts that may help. May be your wife and you can add your take, so as to help the next couple understand and reach their goal. Writing about this may help you both.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/609550-guilt-vs-remorse-vs-shame-relates-affairs

 

My take is as follows:

 

"Here is what I think, Remorse, true remorse, in the context of infidelity, or any action(s) that you have done to grievously wound your spouse, child or other family members, is the ability to look beyond yourself, your well being, and your own interests and feel the pain and hurt caused by your actions, and in so doing, begin to try and make things right to restore trust in an relationship. It is allowing the injured person to select what they need to heal, from you, and for you to supply it to the best of your understanding and ability. At it core, you place their needs above your own, and take on any discomfort, embarrassment, shame, security and loss of secrecy, that is needed to repair your and theirs relationship. You must lastly become an open book, and live mutually transparent with them.

 

Of course, there are limits. I would say, physical harm, or loss of human dignity should not be offered, or accepted, but the one who has trespassed, must be willing to put the other ahead of them in the relationship."

 

Texashunter, There is things you need to do. I started this thread, because we have lots of information on how and what a WS should do but not much on what a BS should do assuming they want to reconcile. Again there maybe something there for you.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/576217-there-responsibilities-bs-reconciliation

 

BTW, if you come up with your own take, I will get this reopened so you can add to it. My last part of this post will be what my wife and I did to have a reconciliation and work on our marriage. This is working for us. Take what you can, if anything.

 

Date night:

 

we started date night. Every Friday, we went and did something. At first, most free things, and later cheap things. If we missed a Friday, we made sure to make it up. We worked to come up with things we would both enjoy, and have fun at. Rule was no arguing at date night. If all we could talk about was the weather, so be it. It never was that bad, we usually found things to talk about. Most times it was planning on how we were going to get by, and our plains for the future. I did start asking and insisting about being open and honest, but we avoid any hard conversation, as we were together to have fun. This was reconnecting, and getting to know each other again. Did us a world of good, and we still do this.

 

Communication:

 

I had read about having a weekly talk, and doing this to place all the hard stuff in one place and allowing each to a safe place to talk things out and also, to cool off the conversation. As we only bring up hard stuff here, it allows the other to “think” about it with out having the thing thrown at them when they are not ready or at a time where it is inappropriate. Also we wanted the conversation to be between us, and not with our family, so we did need privacy. The main rule, is that we both can bring up and talk about anything, and we expect the other to be as honest as they can be, but thing brought up at our talk stay there and we do not fling, and hit the other outside of the talk. This tends to make us really think about our responses, and also allows us both not to walk on eggshells the rest of the time. Both must work to make this a safe place to talk about hard things, and it does build trust between you both. Trust she is telling you the truth, and trust from her she can tell you anything. It does take time, but it does stop you both from always being "at war" with each other.

 

 

I am going to end this because it is long, but I do not want you to think that what I am giving is a magic key, it not, it is only what worked and is working for us. This is also just me and my opinion, and it is worth nothing, unless you find value in it. Time does help, and you are just starting. Things will get better if you both want it to, and most importantly work at it. In my opinion, the best thing to do is to communicate on how to move forward. You both seem to be stuck here. What can you both do to make it better, even a little. Little steps forward do add up, and soon you are in a better place. Take positive action, do not sit and wallow here. It does you both not good, and as well as hurt your kids. If one is stuck, let the other lead for a while. Remember you goal, the best marriage, relationship that can be had as this moment in time, while building for the future.

 

I wish you luck.....

[merrmeade]

Texas Hunter

You have only two issue, at this time, to give 100% of your thoughts and actions to and they are:

 

1 YOU getting stronger and better. If you do not get better then you will be no good to anyone including your children

 

2 Protecting and helping your children

 

Any diversion from giving 100% to the above will be to your detriment

 

 

Get all the help that you can and be patient and determined. Know that you can get a lot better with time, help, and effort.

I think the wife is right that they are both getting incredible advice and insight in this thread. However, I don't like the focus of the last some odd pages. It reads like we are all jurors deliberating on an outcome that must be decided before we leave the room. In fact, I think Mr. Blunt's advice abOve would probably be a relief to Texas Hunter.

 

There's no pressure to decide that the videos are going to haunt you forever and therefore you must divorce, or that she is telling the truth about everything, is absolutely remorseful and, therefore, you must reconcile. To me, she sounds as sincere as you can be when you've been caught and exposed (which is pretty damn repentant). That process - confession, remorse (true, sincere, or just beginning), compensation, change - has just begun for her. If she's lucky, he will stay and help her with it. Either way that is hers.

 

For him, I just read so much pain, confusion and indecision in his posts that I agree with Mr. Blunt for the same reasons. Also I just don't think Texas Hunter can or should make final, long-term decisions right now. I think, TH, that you should put it on hold, but make sure she knows it's on hold and things going on as usual for a while does not mean a cotton picking thing. It's not rug-sweeping and it's not a commitment.

 

Get some solace for yourself. Get some counseling. Love your children. But most of all love yourself, dear TH. You can deal with Mrs. TH when and if you feel like it.

 

And so there really is no jury or decision-making power given to us. It shouldn't be implied or TH shouldn't feel that he has to answer to us. It's all his and it's too soon. But no doubt whatsoever that all of these probing, direct, even commanding opinions are keeping everyone honest (well, let's hope everyone).

Edited April 15, 2017 by merrmeade

[drifter777]

I only know about the videos and what was on them. I never got to see those actually..just a couple they sent to each other playing with their selfs and some of the pics they sent. I think had I seen the sex videos they made together there would be no way I could even try with her in the least bit.

 

Sex videos destroyed. Hmmm... I think the chances that he still has the videos is very high. Guys don't destroy stuff like that. I'm sure your wife will deny that & tell you there was only 1 copy and she destroyed it and all that and maybe she even believes that to be true. But the fact is, if he ever had them in his possession he made copies and he still has them. I hope to God you never see them.

 

Public service announcement to all women: never let your nude pix or sex vid's out of your possession for a second unless you WANT them to show up everywhere on the Internet.

[aliveagain]

The affair ended by him at the end of September 2016..she says she was happy he stopped emailing her..that was was ready for it all to be over with him..to me I feel she grew tired of him and the same requests day in day out..she finally started to see him for what he was and what she thought he was..she said she wanted to end it but didn't really know how too..she was afraid he would get mad and try to contact me..to which I said would only increased my need to hurt him badly..but non the less she just wanted him to disappear.

 

Did they not continue the affair even after his wife caught them? This is why we always recommend you always tell the other betrayed spouse so two sets of eyes are watching them, cheaters are selfish and liars. There are several things that she has said that contradict what she has told you , she wanted out but getting busted by his wife and the fear of his wife contacting you wasn't enough to stop her from taking the affair underground and continuing a relationship with her husband(that makes no sense at all). She first thought that sex with O/M was better then with you but then decided that it was just ok. The O/M had a bigger penis yet she did things with him that she wouldn't do with you even though it caused her more pain. Recording their affair even though she knew it would destroy both families if discovered.

 

These, along with the real "why" that justified her betraying you for so long will have to be explained to your satisfaction before real reconciliation can begin. Were there professional photographs take of the two of them at the race meet? I recall another situation years back where the betrayed spouse saw the finish line video of his wife and the O/M running across the finish line holding hands after no contact was to have taken place. The race had a link to the finish line so every participant could view themselves crossing. They keep every race recorded indefinitely, anyone can access the information including their children. Have you informed the racing organization that the other man is a predator so other husbands can be warned? Sponsors do not want to associate themselves with organizations that allow employees that have affairs with volunteers go unpunished.

Edited April 16, 2017 by aliveagain

[Texashunter]

I couldn't answer you on that one..that would be questions only she could answer..I was no body to her. Just a husband and father..which meant nothing to her..I wasn't a man to her so she could only do those things with a man..not a husband or father..that's disgusting to do that to a husband/father..

[DKT3]

I couldn't answer you on that one..that would be questions only she could answer..I was no body to her. Just a husband and father..which meant nothing to her..I wasn't a man to her so she could only do those things with a man..not a husband or father..that's disgusting to do that to a husband/father..

 

The more you write the more it sounds like you're on the way out of the marriage..

 

I would suggest that you take some time away from your wife, a week or two were you don't have to see her or talk about what she has done.

[Texashunter]

No, I've just given up and detached myself from her..don't treat her as wife anymore..she's a roommate in my eyes right now..I need to work on me and what I want..she can do what she wants..to be honest keeping her is cheaper and easier..at least I know who she is, what she will do to me and how far she will go..I don't have effort to meet someone knew and risk learning all this again the hard way..stay or go...she can go figure out things for herself...I need to work, take care of my kids and do what ever makes me happy without concern of how she feels..I didn't matter to her then so don't care how she feels about me now.

[Texashunter]

Best way to sum me up right now..was a good read

 

https://www.google.com/amp/s/marriagemissions.com/why-some-spouses-give-up/amp/

[Cephalopod]

At least go see a couple of lawyers. Find out what your rights are. If she decides to pull the plug and file for D you need to be prepared.

[Texashunter]

Couldn't sleep again lastnight..images of her affair just wouldn't stop running in my mind..then my mind started just playing movies of catching them or being able to stop them before it happened keep playing..me catching them at one of their 2 hotel meeting and what I would have done. Ended up sleeping on the couch or should I say laying smoking cigs and wondering around till this morning..I hate these day and hate my life. Feel so out of control and nothing seems to help...what I'd give for just one full day of not thinking of anything..just to have a break from my life and her..

[BluesPower]

Listen TH...

 

You have got to get on some meds ASAP. Have you seen a doc? You cannot continue like this. Many of us are worried about you.

 

You have to see a doc if you have not yet, and if you are on meds you have to see the doc to get them changed.

 

There is no reason to live like this when some medication would take the edge off so that you can get some rest and start to think more clearly.

 

Come on man, don't let this ruin you. Every one of us BS spouses have been were you are at. I got on meds to cool me out and help me think.

 

Is your wife understanding what you are going through? Are you even talking to her at all?

 

Ruined, you could also reply to us and tell us how TH is doing. If you have the courage. Has he gone to a doc yet?

[ruined_my_love]

I am sorry for what I've done and for how I've hurt you. I I'll never be able to forgive myself. I know it may not be possible, but I wish and hope and pray that you can begin to heal, and that I can help you heal, and that you'll be able to see that I am here for you and that I love you. I am willing to face the consequences of my actions but I do not want to cause you further pain. You are an amazing man and father and husband and I have been a fool. Please let me show you what you mean to me. Thank you for giving me the chance.

[ruined_my_love]

Yes, he has been to a doctor, but he will not take meds. I've tried to convince him, but he won't. I am here for him and I have been listening to him every single day. It's nearly all we talk about. True, there are times I feel worn out from it. But I am there. I love this man so much, and I have broken him. He is much stronger than he sounds on these forums.

 

I just sent him this:

I feel like you need to go to counseling. Not for or with me. But for yourself. And medication would not be a bad idea. I feel like you are sinking lower and lower....I love you and I don't want something bad to happen to you now. I know I have caused this in you, that I have caused all of your pain, but I also feel that you have the strength in you to pull up and move forward. With or without me. I pray that it is with me, but I truly want what is best for you. I can't stand the thought of continuing to hurt you like this. I know it's your personality to dwell and to hold on to things, that's just who you are. But this does not have to ruin you. Be strong for your boys if nothing else.

Edited April 17, 2017 by ruined_my_love
Added

[QuietDan]

Couldn't sleep again lastnight..images of her affair just wouldn't stop running in my mind..then my mind started just playing movies of catching them or being able to stop them before it happened keep playing..me catching them at one of their 2 hotel meeting and what I would have done. Ended up sleeping on the couch or should I say laying smoking cigs and wondering around till this morning..I hate these day and hate my life. Feel so out of control and nothing seems to help...what I'd give for just one full day of not thinking of anything..just to have a break from my life and her..

Take a letter Maria....R.B Greaves.

Not all women are like this.

Find a healthy hobby you enjoy that gets the hands and body busy. You will be surprised to find that at times your thoughts and focus will directed into that and you will begin to find some peace to build on.

[ruined_my_love]

I've also encouraged him to stay busy, go do something...but he won't. He's fielding some phone calls and emails during the day for work, but not much else. He talks about wanting to get into shape, so I've encouraged him to go to the gym, but he's been keeping our youngest home from daycare instead. I cannot force him to do anything. He says I don't fight for him, but I just don't see how someone can be pulled out of their depression by anyone other than themselves. Someone please help me understand what I need to do because I will do it. I love his man and I don't want him to hurt.

[merrmeade]

I've also encouraged him to stay busy, go do something...but he won't. He's fielding some phone calls and emails during the day for work, but not much else. He talks about wanting to get into shape, so I've encouraged him to go to the gym, but he's been keeping our youngest home from daycare instead. I cannot force him to do anything. He says I don't fight for him, but I just don't see how someone can be pulled out of their depression by anyone other than themselves. Someone please help me understand what I need to do because I will do it. I love his man and I don't want him to hurt.

I think you should veer on the side of not telling him anything to do at the moment. Just my opinion as a betrayed spouse myself. When my husband said stuff like this - what I should do to take care of myself and insisted he was concerned for my sake, it felt like just one more discouraging thing, like criticism, like he's healthy and I'm not. and so how does that feel coming from the person that created the problem in the first place?

 

You don't really know what he needs right now frankly. If you read closely what do you said above, you should probably just lay low with the advice (in my humble opinion)

[Cephalopod]

I've also encouraged him to stay busy, go do something...but he won't. He's fielding some phone calls and emails during the day for work, but not much else. He talks about wanting to get into shape, so I've encouraged him to go to the gym, but he's been keeping our youngest home from daycare instead. I cannot force him to do anything. He says I don't fight for him, but I just don't see how someone can be pulled out of their depression by anyone other than themselves. Someone please help me understand what I need to do because I will do it. I love his man and I don't want him to hurt.

 

Give him space and let him process everything. When he wants to talk he will talk. Just let him know you will be available, and then leave him alone. He is in a great deal of pain, and evry BS processes that pain differently.

 

Insomnia, depression, lethargy, crying, outbursts of anger, isolation...all of these behaviors are normal.

 

All you need to do is keep addressing your issues, read the books, journal, keep going to IC, keep being transparent, stay off your cell phone unless it is perfectly necessary, and be there for him and available when he wants to talk or vent.

 

As the rollercoaster goes up and down, he's going to need different things ta different times. Sometimes he will just want to be left alone. Sometimes he will want sex. Sometimes he will want to talk. Sometimes he will want to argue and rant. You just have to stay flexible and go with it, without becoming defensive, bossy or defiant.

[GoldenR]

I had ppl telling me to get on ADs after I caught my wife cheating and kicked her out. But I wouldn't....why would I want to lessen what I'm feeling? That way I'd not feel as badly about it and take her back?

 

F. That.

 

Wasn't gonna happen. I needed the anger and pain to protect myself.

[drifter777]

Couldn't sleep again lastnight..images of her affair just wouldn't stop running in my mind..then my mind started just playing movies of catching them or being able to stop them before it happened keep playing..me catching them at one of their 2 hotel meeting and what I would have done. Ended up sleeping on the couch or should I say laying smoking cigs and wondering around till this morning..I hate these day and hate my life. Feel so out of control and nothing seems to help...what I'd give for just one full day of not thinking of anything..just to have a break from my life and her..

 

You really want to get on the path to healing? Leave. Begin detaching from her now. It's no more difficult than what you are doing now except you actually begin to feel better because you are finally taking responsibility for yourself and DOING something about all of this. End all contact with her other than logistical stuff regarding the kids like "I'll pick them up outside at noon - have them ready" - that kind of thing. After a week you will notice that you are feeling better. After 2 weeks you will be surprised at how little you think of her and then it just gets better every day. After a month or more you will realize what a fool you were for staying even a single day after you busted her.

 

This is a recipe for healing. The most difficult part is deciding to do it and maybe the first couple days. After that you'll figure out a good way to stay involved with your kids. You'll realize that you don't have to live with their mother in order to be a great dad.

 

Drugs? Only if a shrink prescribes them for you. You are not suffering from clinical depression - you are depressed for a very real and very understandable reason. The chances are that once you begin focusing on yourself and your personal healing you will begin to feel much better very quickly.

[BluesPower]

Give him space and let him process everything. When he wants to talk he will talk. Just let him know you will be available, and then leave him alone. He is in a great deal of pain, and evry BS processes that pain differently.

 

Insomnia, depression, lethargy, crying, outbursts of anger, isolation...all of these behaviors are normal.

 

All you need to do is keep addressing your issues, read the books, journal, keep going to IC, keep being transparent, stay off your cell phone unless it is perfectly necessary, and be there for him and available when he wants to talk or vent.

 

As the rollercoaster goes up and down, he's going to need different things ta different times. Sometimes he will just want to be left alone. Sometimes he will want sex. Sometimes he will want to talk. Sometimes he will want to argue and rant. You just have to stay flexible and go with it, without becoming defensive, bossy or defiant.

 

Ruined, this is really good advice.

 

But, guys he is in a really bad place.

 

TH, dude you have got to take your meds. I am begging for you to do that. All it has to do is take the edge off a little and help you think. Please do that...

[Texashunter]

I had ppl telling me to get on ADs after I caught my wife cheating and kicked her out. But I wouldn't....why would I want to lessen what I'm feeling? That way I'd not feel as badly about it and take her back?

 

F. That.

 

Wasn't gonna happen. I needed the anger and pain to protect myself.

 

I feel the same way..I don't want to dull the pain..why should I dull the pain she has cause while she got her jollies and only after getting caught wants to save everything..I deserve to feel what I haven't in so long..she deserves all my rage, pain and gathered for what she's done...it's not fair she can do what she did and not really have to suffer anywhere close to what I'm having to..