Trying to understand wife's [past] affair

[merrmeade]

What's intolerable about all her observations is the implied judgment - eg, not 'doing anything' all day or he has to help himself. I can only think what a smug, superficial, judgmental and the B word (and I'm a feminist). Why doesn't her reaction go back on herself? Why is she so detached, together and unscathed to stand back and complain he won't get help? Why does he have to continue suffering while she takes notes?

[Texashunter]

She doesn't really understand the gravity of her actions..it's like saying to someone who has been shot and run over by a tank that it's just a scratch..don't worry I can fix it mentality..but no one is fixing it..she has alway just let things go with the hopes of it fixing itself..hell she was doing that during the affair..she thought our marriage would just fix itself while she had the affair and then she felt well if it does well I can have the best of both worlds because I haven't been caught..even after the affair ended she did nothing to try to fix our marraige..she said like during the affair she didn't know how to fix it..it was only after being caught has she had any feeling or any atemnt to try to fix the marraige but it is all half assed trying..I am all alone and to be honest the only reason she is still here is because of my efforts..we went to the doctors for the first ultra sound and I started to talk to her about stuff a bit while we were waiting..she proceeded to snap at me and get posed because I talked about it..to which I got pissed because she even had the balls to snap at me..I got up and left..went to a bar and had drinkings while she got to see our child for the first time...bitter..no me being bitter is an nderstatment...did she try to make me stop and stay..no..when I went to my truck did she text me and say please done go..please come back and calm down so we can do this..we can talk more later..no..she says I can't make you stay or change your mind..basically go if your gonna go..but she wants me to stay married to her..why? She doesn't even chase me like she chased him..if she really cared she wouldn't have let me leave this deal..

Edited April 17, 2017 by Texashunter

[QuietDan]

What's intolerable about all her observations is the implied judgment - eg, not 'doing anything' all day or he has to help himself. I can only think what a smug, superficial, judgmental and the B word (and I'm a feminist). Why doesn't her reaction go back on herself? Why is she so detached, together and unscathed to stand back and complain he won't get help? Why does he have to continue suffering while she takes notes?

The unfortunate side effect of a long term affair, or one hidden by decption for a long time. The wayward has had lots of time to process it burn through a lot of the angst and anxiety, get to the point of being somewhat emotional ly depleted on the subject. Some of the memories might even are starting to fade.

In these type of situations, I am starting to see that they are at a bit of a disadvantage in being able to react in an appropriate matter with an appropriate level of emotional and empathetic energy that the hurting betrayed spouse may need or want to see in order to make a serious attempt that is needed for successful reconciliation. It almost appears that the reconciliation and recovery process is somewhat hampered and or limited.

It appears to somewhat slow things down and prolong and worsen the emotional turmoil and pain that the loyal spouse suffers through.

[Imajerk17]

I've also encouraged him to stay busy, go do something...but he won't. He's fielding some phone calls and emails during the day for work, but not much else. He talks about wanting to get into shape, so I've encouraged him to go to the gym, but he's been keeping our youngest home from daycare instead. I cannot force him to do anything. He says I don't fight for him, but I just don't see how someone can be pulled out of their depression by anyone other than themselves. Someone please help me understand what I need to do because I will do it. I love his man and I don't want him to hurt.

 

You know how it is when you are upset about something someone did and that someone tells you "Oh don't be upset go do something instead"....how does that work? Yeah, exactly, only this is 1000x worse.

 

RE the bolded, that sentence annoys me. So you thoughtlessly betrayed TH for 17 months and now you are telling him what you think he should be doing to heal?? I really think you should just stop with the suggestions for now.

Edited April 17, 2017 by Imajerk17

[Texashunter]

The unfortunate side effect of a long term affair, or one hidden by decption for a long time. The wayward has had lots of time to process it burn through a lot of the angst and anxiety, get to the point of being somewhat emotional ly depleted on the subject. Some of the memories might even are starting to fade.

In these type of situations, I am starting to see that they are at a bit of a disadvantage in being able to react in an appropriate matter with an appropriate level of emotional and empathetic energy that the hurting betrayed spouse may need or want to see in order to make a serious attempt that is needed for successful reconciliation. It almost appears that the reconciliation and recovery process is somewhat hampered and or limited.

It appears to somewhat slow things down and prolong and worsen the emotional turmoil and pain that the loyal spouse suffers through.

 

I feel you are correct..because to be honest she seems a bit less emotional than I would think of someone who has done what she has done..I sometime feel that makes me even more frustrated and mad that she seems to just be ok with everything. But that's just me..I know I would be a wreck and you would know it if the shoe was on the other foot..to say you love someone so much now after d-day and hate what you've done/ashamed/sad and disgusted I would think one would also be an emotional wreck..

[drifter777]

She doesn't really understand the gravity of her actions..it's like saying to someone who has been shot and run over by a tank that it's just a scratch..don't worry I can fix it mentality..but no one is fixing it..she has alway just let things go with the hopes of it fixing itself..hell she was doing that during the affair..she thought our marriage would just fix itself while she had the affair and then she felt well if it does well I can have the best of both worlds because I haven't been caught..even after the affair ended she did nothing to try to fix our marraige..she said like during the affair she didn't know how to fix it..it was only after being caught has she had any feeling or any atemnt to try to fix the marraige but it is all half assed trying..I am all alone and to be honest the only reason she is still here is because of my efforts..we went to the doctors for the first ultra sound and I started to talk to her about stuff a bit while we were waiting..she proceeded to snap at me and get posed because I talked about it..to which I got pissed because she even had the balls to snap at me..I got up and left..went to a bar and had drinkings while she got to see our child for the first time...bitter..no me being bitter is an nderstatment...did she try to make me stop and stay..no..when I went to my truck did she text me and say please done go..please come back and calm down so we can do this..we can talk more later..no..she says I can't make you stay or change your mind..basically go if your gonna go..but she wants me to stay married to her..why? She doesn't even chase me like she chased him..if she really cared she wouldn't have let me leave this deal..

 

Lot's of WW's don't understand why their BH just can't let it go & leave the past alone. The sex was just sex - what's the big deal? She thinks "I chose you & I'm here now so stop living in the past". I think they are just so narcissistic and self-entitled that it is impossible for them to really sympathize with you. They seem to be remorseful but it's an act. They watch your reaction to the things they say and try to read which ones seem to help and which ones make things worse. They are trying to learn what they are supposed to say to help you feel better. Pure manipulation. The reason they don't feel true remorse is simple: they are not sorry. They believe they were entitled to cheat because you didn't give them what they needed.

 

You really want to get on the path to healing? Leave...this is how you detach. It's no more difficult than what you are doing now except you actually begin to feel better because you are finally taking responsibility for yourself and DOING something about all of this. End all contact with her other than logistical stuff regarding the kids like "I'll pick them up outside at noon - have them ready" - that kind of thing. After a week you will notice that you are feeling better. After 2 weeks you will be surprised at how little you think of her and then it just gets better every day. After a month or more you will realize what a fool you were for staying even a single day after you busted her.

[Texashunter]

Lot's of WW's don't understand why their BH just can't let it go & leave the past alone. The sex was just sex - what's the big deal? She thinks "I chose you & I'm here now so stop living in the past". I think they are just so narcissistic and self-entitled that it is impossible for them to really sympathize with you. They seem to be remorseful but it's an act. They watch your reaction to the things they say and try to read which ones seem to help and which ones make things worse. They are trying to learn what they are supposed to say to help you feel better. Pure manipulation. The reason they don't feel true remorse is simple: they are not sorry. They believe they were entitled to cheat because you didn't give them what they needed..

 

As much as I don't want to believe this I am start to feel that this is exactly how it is and being treated..

[drifter777]

The unfortunate side effect of a long term affair, or one hidden by decption for a long time. The wayward has had lots of time to process it burn through a lot of the angst and anxiety, get to the point of being somewhat emotional ly depleted on the subject. Some of the memories might even are starting to fade.

In these type of situations, I am starting to see that they are at a bit of a disadvantage in being able to react in an appropriate matter with an appropriate level of emotional and empathetic energy that the hurting betrayed spouse may need or want to see in order to make a serious attempt that is needed for successful reconciliation. It almost appears that the reconciliation and recovery process is somewhat hampered and or limited.

It appears to somewhat slow things down and prolong and worsen the emotional turmoil and pain that the loyal spouse suffers through.

 

This might be the case for an affair that is discovered many years later but this all ended a few short months ago. Her less-than-overwhelming emotional reaction is simply what it appears to be: she is less than overwhelmed by it. She doesn't care as much as Tex does because, well, she doesn't care all that much.

 

Look, she knows Tex is not going to leave her. She knows his family is too important to him and she just needs to keep working on him to chill him out. Her fear of losing him and her family left when he didn't leave right away. She knew she had him right there.

 

I need to quickly add that I don't believe she's correct in her thinking he will never leave - just that this IS what she's thinking.

[drifter777]

As much as I don't want to believe this I am start to feel that this is exactly how it is and being treated..

 

None of us wants to believe this! That's why nearly all men stay and try to work things out. We are trapped by our own sense of loyalty and need for family. It's an irrational fear but it is so powerful we let it cloud out all other thoughts.

 

I wish I had someone who could have pointed this out to me all those years ago. I stayed caught in my own trap. People say that it takes strength to stay and that I'm a good man for putting my family first but that's a bunch of horse $hit. I didn't leave because I was afraid I couldn't survive without my family. I was so paralyzed by that fear I didn't even question it until many, many years later. Now I see that trap was just a mirage - it didn't exist in reality. I could have - and would have - continued to be a great father to my children. I would have still flourished in my chosen profession. I didn't have to live with my WW to have a family.

 

One thing I'll never know is how much better everything would have been with my male ego & self-esteem restored.

[GoldenR]

we went to the doctors for the first ultra sound and I started to talk to her about stuff a bit while we were waiting..she proceeded to snap at me and get posed because I talked about it..to which I got pissed because she even had the balls to snap at me..I got up and left..went to a bar and had drinkings while she got to see our child for the first time...bitter..no me being bitter is an nderstatment...did she try to make me stop and stay..no..when I went to my truck did she text me and say please done go..please come back and calm down so we can do this..we can talk more later..no..she says I can't make you stay or change your mind..basically go if your gonna go..but she wants me to stay married to her..why? She doesn't even chase me like she chased him..if she really cared she wouldn't have let me leave this deal..

 

Ruined....after my one attempt to talk to you went ignored by you, I've pretty much ignored you right back. But now, after reading this,I'm calling you out on your BS. You come on here, begging and pleading with TH for the gift of R, but when he goes with you to the ultrasound shot appt, you snap at him when he wants to talk about things? You really have no clue...the BS talking about things with the WS is a HUGE part of healing. You don't want true reconciliation, you want rug-sweeping.

[Friskyone4u]

Originally Posted by drifter777 View Post

Lot's of WW's don't understand why their BH just can't let it go & leave the past alone. The sex was just sex - what's the big deal? She thinks "I chose you & I'm here now so stop living in the past". I think they are just so narcissistic and self-entitled that it is impossible for them to really sympathize with you. They seem to be remorseful but it's an act. They watch your reaction to the things they say and try to read which ones seem to help and which ones make things worse. They are trying to learn what they are supposed to say to help you feel better. Pure manipulation. The reason they don't feel true remorse is simple: they are not sorry. They believe they were entitled to cheat because you didn't give them what they needed..

 

Texas,

 

If you read the literature, I believe you will find that women generally are more devastated when the WH tells another woman the love them than they are from the sex. For men, its just the opposite. most of us would find it easier to move on if she kept his penis out of her regardless of what she said to OM>

 

That plus the narrative that is out there today,. Any woman who is literate and reads knows that MOST men do not leave. Whether they truly reconcile or not is another story but despite probably 95% of men saying infidelity is a deal breaker, most do not. And she knows that.

 

And lastly is that every TV shos and book they read glorifies affairs and I would be willing to bet you that if 10 of her friends knew everything at least half of them would tell her you need to just get over it.

 

Maybe that explains for you her attitude, which is horse **** but exists.

[Texashunter]

Her sister was appalled that after 3 months I was still pissed..I'm sure there have been others. Seems they feel more sorry for her than what's she's done to me and our boys for 17 months..like it wasn't that big of a deal..had I not loved her and our family..sure..I wouldn't give a sh** and would just move on to let it go..but for goodness sake...I'm devastated...I did everything for her and she just pushed me away and let me fall into a deep depression for over a year..she used that as well as time to communicate with him...it's like I'm the bad person and she just made a boo boo..like spilled milk that can be easily cleaned up..and to be honest again she acts like it as well..she sleeps and eats a lot better than me that's for sure..I'm just dumb founded by her emotions and how she goes about everything...and now that we are having another child on the way it has made things even more difficult...I think I would have gone through with the divorce thing up until I found that out..I can't have he leave and loss my kids because they won't let me keep them when she is carrying another child and also I would rather die than let her have full custody of all my kids..I couldn't life without them..only seeing them when the court has said I can see them or when she says I can see them..that's not fair to me..I'd rather suffer than not have my kids with me 24/7...

[ruined_my_love]

GoldenR, I am sorry you feel I ignored you, but that is not the case....after our doctors appointment and posts on Thursday, I put my phone away intentionally in order to focus on my family. This may seem to be an excuse to you, but I felt like this was an action o could perform to show my commitment to be with family and not focused on replying to forum posts.

 

I didn't mean to snap at TH in the waiting room at the doctors office. We had been texting back and forth all day and it had gotten ugly. I was feeling defeated and broken and I didn't feel that the waiting room was the appropriate time or place to talk about what others were saying about what I had done. Especially with another family only feet away from us. I did tell him that we would talk more about it later, but that was not the right time. He was furious and walked out and I didnt want to cause a scene. I told him repeatedly that he didn't have to go, I didn't want him to leave. I did not tell him directly to come back in. Like many of you have already said, it is not my place to tell him what he should do.

[bigman1]

TH,

 

As to her attitude, well, THAT is who she is. PERIOD. She can cowtow, act all demure, and basically blow female scented smoke up you a*% and perhaps that will make you feel better, but it will be a false sense of security. Basically, she can lie to you and help you regain your self esteem, but in the end, its just a lie. She can "poor baby" and "I'm so sorry", etc., until the cows come home, but in the end, who she is and what she did is not going to change. Maybe she won't do it again, but it is who she is.

 

She IS the woman who cheated on you. She IS the woman who lied to you. She IS the woman who is acting like you are describing, simply because that is who she WAS and IS, and in all likelihood, WILL BE.

 

Your wife cheated and there is no changing that. She has done a half ass job since then, according to you. She is pregnant with your kid. Stop hoping for this great change or this magical show of "Remorse" that some talk about. Stop thinking that it is gonna get better. You will just get used to it, or not.

This is who she is. If you want to stay married to her and raise a family, accept this. If not, you can still raise a child with her, but not as husband and wife.

[ruined_my_love]

Talking about the affair and TH's feelings and anger is all we talk about. Everyday, for hours and hours. I feel like we are neglecting our boys in a way because we are only focusing on what I've done. Thankfully, they are pretty self sufficient. I fully expect to talk and continue talking about what I've done and how I've made TH feel. I'm sorry, but there are times that the berating becomes so brutal that it is hard to take. I am trying tinge string. I deserve to feel the wrath and hate and anger and pain. I do feel like I understand it in some ways, but of course I cannot fully comprehend the devastation I have caused, I can only witness it.

[GoldenR]

Her sister was appalled that after 3 months I was still pissed

 

She's blood and only wants what's best for her sister, which is you. Take everything like this that comes from her family with a giant grain of salt.

[QuietDan]

I feel you are correct..because to be honest she seems a bit less emotional than I would think of someone who has done what she has done..I sometime feel that makes me even more frustrated and mad that she seems to just be ok with everything. But that's just me..I know I would be a wreck and you would know it if the shoe was on the other foot..to say you love someone so much now after d-day and hate what you've done/ashamed/sad and disgusted I would think one would also be an emotional wreck..

 

Maintaining love, desire, sexual satisfaction, and empathy for a husband is usually not compatible with having an affair. These emotions for the husband are often discarded during the affair and transferred to the affair partner. Even if she wanted to rekindle those feelings, from what I have read, it may often take up to a couple of years for a wayward to regain those feelings to that is even close to what she had for her husband before the affair started.

There are a number of articles, blogs, pages, and threads that discuss some of the frustration and angst that waywards experience when trying under go the reconciliation when these feelings are slow to return.

[BluesPower]

Talking about the affair and TH's feelings and anger is all we talk about. Everyday, for hours and hours. I feel like we are neglecting our boys in a way because we are only focusing on what I've done. Thankfully, they are pretty self sufficient. I fully expect to talk and continue talking about what I've done and how I've made TH feel. I'm sorry, but there are times that the berating becomes so brutal that it is hard to take. I am trying tinge string. I deserve to feel the wrath and hate and anger and pain. I do feel like I understand it in some ways, but of course I cannot fully comprehend the devastation I have caused, I can only witness it.

 

 

Well Boo hoo, you see how you sound...

 

 

This THIS THIS THIS is the MAIN problem right here. And please do not say you misspoke. This is how you feel.

 

 

Girlfriend, the berating has just started, it could go on for years, this is what trying to work it out is like. This how my F****** Ex wife sounded about her affairs and her 20 year hidden drug addiction. This is exactly how she sounded. THAT IS WHY SHE IS AN EX WIFE.

[BluesPower]

Listen to both of you.

 

Ruined, girl you are out of line in every way. If you cannot stand the heat that you caused get out of the kitchen and go back to OM.

 

You still have no concept of what you have done to your husband. Do you understand that he is almost crazy with grief and anger. He did not cause this, you did. He did not get board and want some strange you did. You wanted the big cock experience not him.

 

How dare you feel this way!!!!

 

Listen, have some compassion. If you do not love TH, and girl I mean with every fiber of your being, for gods sake let him go. Yes your family will break up, yes your living standard will decrease, but good god why torture the man if you really do not love him.

 

If you do, then you have not even began to suffer his wrath in the slightest. His rage will come out at the doctors office, at the PTA, even when you are having sex, if it has not already.

 

Here is what may happen, you guys will be going at it and he is just going to get up and walk away. He may go throw up in the toilet. How is that going to make you feel?

 

If you are in it, pregnant or not btw, you need to get yourself together. If you want your family this is what it takes.

 

And TH, I understand that taking meds makes you feel weak and you want her to see the pain that she has caused, but it is not worth going crazy over all of this.

 

Taking the meds will give you a little breathing room to think. To think if you can handle this. To think about if you really love her anymore. To really think about R or D.

 

And understand that D is not a scary as you think it is right now. There is nothing that says you have to stay married to her.

 

Please don't think that taking meds makes you weak of stupid. There will be plenty of time to feel all of the pain that she has caused you. Plenty of time for that. But right now, you need to get your head together and you cannot do that without meds for a while. It is not forever.

 

Both of you please hang in there...

[Horton]

Her sister was appalled that after 3 months I was still pissed..I'm sure there have been others. Seems they feel more sorry for her than what's she's done to me and our boys for 17 months..like it wasn't that big of a deal..had I not loved her and our family..sure..I wouldn't give a sh** and would just move on to let it go..but for goodness sake...I'm devastated...

 

Her family may have been good to you in the past, but they will always be her family and their loyalty(if they have any) is always gonna be to her before you and likely even her own children. It's sad, but that's how most people operate.

[Mr Blunt]

By Texas Hunter

I stayed faithful and she bailed on me and our kids. the pain is overwhelming at times…death would be better than this

 

bitter….no me being bitter is an understatement

 

..I have not control of my emotions and the PTSD complicates it at times.

 

 

 

 

 

 

By Blunt

TH, you are at almost 6 months post-D-day and based upon your quotes above it is time for you to make some decisions!...decide that you are going to get more help so that you can stop your very destructive cycle as you have described in your posts and above. Your very destructive emotions including your bitterness and other sufferings are going make things worse for you. STOP feeding your anger with how much she has hurt you and how unfair she was and start taking actions that will keep you from being so consumed with bitterness. When you have betrayal there is no fairness to it you just have to accept that you were shyt on and find ways for you make the best of your life.

 

What actions? You can take the action of forcing yourself to have thoughts and actions to help you get better and actions that can help your children. STOP berating your wife for hours every day because that only fuels your rage and vengeance. You have been doing that for over 5 months and look at what it has got you; you are not any better are you? I am not taking up for your wife but even if she is as bad as you say you berating her for another 6 months is not going to do anything but make every one worse including you. I know that you are hurt to the bone but you need to do what is best for you right now. Feeding your hurt will eventually destroy you. Think with your head and not your bitterness!

 

What help have you got besides the MC? You need help from every source then you have to take that advice end DO IT!! You need to get built back up so that you can stop having those destructive thoughts and emotions for hours every day! Get the help that will help you get away from your bitterness and anger.

 

So you now have a choice. Are you going to continue to feed your bitterness and berate your wife or are you going to take actions to get better?

[merrmeade]

First, TH, your wife makes me wonder what I might've heard were my husband more of a talker. In his case, from the little he did say I know that his little bouts of empathy were either disingenuous or too short-lived to actually do any good. He did admit that he could not grasp what I felt, which helped a little. At least it was honest. The worst was that not only was he okay watching me suffer but I had to watch his health and vigor, unhampered by pangs of supposed remorse, while I was still mourning. If he'd actually expressed annoyance at my continued depression, however, things might've turned out differently. Not that it's okay, but I can see why he might have felt that expressing such intolerance aloud would've been unwise.

 

But when a WS has the courage to post here on her own initiative, she's usually accepted responsibility for the spouse's pain and probable criticism she'll get here. A few have even touched me at their transparency and expression of genuine sorrow. Some start out that way but later on get defensive. The main observation I've made is that their spouses' recovery was directly proportionate to the empathy and understanding they were able to express to them.

 

This is not your wife. She talked the talk for barely one or two pages before she felt entitled to express her true feelings - criticism and impatience with your progress, which virtually everyone posting called her on. Also, I find her opinionated posts just a tad too chatty and slick to believe she's all that affected and her barely suppressed impatience with your recovery, downright appalling. I am NOT impressed with her protestations and think you deserve better.

 

And that brings us to the subject of YOU. Listen, TH, this is really important: I believe that the reason you are still down and messed up is that she is not really and truly understanding. If she had really dug deep into your feelings, you would have seen and felt her empathy and THAT would have gone a long way to make you feel validated. The fact that you're still down for the count says to me that she did not and could not.

 

I also do not agree with Mr. Blunt that you can just will yourself not to think about it any more. You NEED your own counselor, TH! And maybe you need another way to think about it. Try this: Look at the person as someone who's paid, yes, to listen but their training and experience helps them call your attention to certain things you're saying and to give you information about what's normal and why something else might not be. Most of all for me it was an opportunity to finally process and express my rage and my sorrow uncensored and unconcerned with another's judgment. Once I'd done that - and with the help of a mild anti-depressant - I began to come back. That was at 2-1/2 years, and I only went for nine months, but it would have been better to start sooner.

 

I hope you'll open yourself to this option withOUT considering your wife's ANNOYING insistence that it's what you need. I can understand not wanting to do anything your cheating spouse is goading you to do, but this is really something you should consider doing on your own. Just leave her out of it completely. Yuck. I'd go nuts, too, if someone were giving me that garbage with the excuse that they care about me. I'd want to do anything BUT that, as well. But, please, just forget about her and do it because you need to get better and I promise that talking to the right person really will help you do that.

 

Please just consider it...

[sandylee1]

Ruined

 

TH fears limited access to the children in the event of divorce. Surely you can assure him that it would be joint and equal custody, with flexibility given your betrayal?

 

He shouldn't have to fear not being able to see his children after what you've done.

 

Regarding the incident in the waiting room, I agree that wasn't the best place to discuss this affair. Perhaps a more appropriate response from you could have been something along these lines (in a calm and gentle tone)

"I'm really sorry I did this to us. I'm regret that I've hurt you so badly, but could we please talk about it when we get home, so we don't have to whisper and where we can have some privacy?"

 

When you've fuc**d up like this, you have to humble yourself and be prepared to take the backlash.

 

If you want, in your mind you can think and feel it's too much, but that thinking isn't going to help your marriage.

 

I think there's much you need to learn about the magnitude of your betrayal. I'm not here to flame or hurl insults... I honestly have a genuine desire to help andsupport you both.

 

Once you have the ability to send PMs, feel free to message me. Or I'll try and message you and you can reply if that works.

 

If you are really truly sincere about wanting to help your husband heal, you have to show that.. and it needs to be genuine from your heart.

 

Refrain from saying things like **he doesn't want to help himself** or **He refuses to take medication**.

 

If he doesn't want to take medication, that's up to him.

 

And tell your family to stay out of it and not express their opinions to his hearing. If he had the affair with would your sister expect you to get over it after 3 months?

 

I think your sister actually owes him an apology for saying what she did. He should be respected at this time.

[mercy]

What actions? You can take the action of forcing yourself to have thoughts and actions to help you get better and actions that can help your children. STOP berating your wife for hours every day because that only fuels your rage and vengeance. You have been doing that for over 5 months and look at what it has got you; you are not any better are you?you. Think with your head and not your bitterness!

 

So you now have a choice. Are you going to continue to feed your bitterness and berate your wife or are you going to take actions to get better?

 

 

Pain {whether physical or emotional} is inevitable; Suffering is optional

 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/some-assembly-required/201401/pain-is-inevitable-suffering-is-optional

 

Please seek a therapist TexasHunter.

Edited May 17, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fix quote

[understand50]

Texas Hunter, Ruined my love,

 

I posted several days back with some practicable suggestions. I, after reading both of you, think they may be of help. At this time you both need to take positive actions to make this better.

 

As Mr Blunt posted

 

"So you now have a choice. Are you going to continue to feed your bitterness and berate your wife or are you going to take actions to get better?"

 

There are many things you can do to make this better, and at this point Texashunter, I have to ask, "Do you want too?" Because this is up to you. You will decide to leave and divorce, or really give you wife the gift of a second chance. It is not fair to pissed off and mistreat your wife 24/7. No matter what she has done, she does not deserve this. You need to come up with a way of being civil towards her. This does not take away what she has done, nor the hard work on her part to try and make it better, but you have your part too Texashunter, are you doing it?

 

Have you both read and discussed the top thread here?

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/roma...use-needs-know

 

[see] Linda McDonald's book, " How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair"

 

Things a BS should do:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/roma...reconciliation

 

Lastly, just what is remorse:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/roma...elates-affairs

 

You both can move forward to a better place. Yes it will not be the same, but it has to better then where you are NOW.

 

I wish you both luck......

Edited April 18, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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