Trying to understand wife's [past] affair

[Life lessons]

But your H has no clue that you were giving yourself to another man. And you're not telling him how much you love him and want only him to convince him otherwise bc of him knowing about your A, bc again, he doesn't know. The situations are nothing alike.

 

Right, he doesn't! I'm simply stating that the WW can and probably does very well love her husband. Yes the MW made a huge, life changing mistake, but that doesn't mean she doesn't love and doesn't want to spend her life with her husband!!

 

People make mistakes!! Yes some mistakes are much larger than others but we're human. Sometimes we obviously don't think things throughly, before doing them! That doesn't mean that we love less!

 

Also, I don't think the women all of a sudden drop their feelings for Om....they may not contact them but many still have some feelings....so I disagree that feelings come to a halt with revelation.

Edited April 28, 2017 by Life lessons
Additional text

[Buckeye2]

I loved her more than anyone ever has and I was willing to do anything to make her happy..but yet this stranger was so much better than me..she keeps saying how I am more than he ever was and better looking etc etc etc.

 

only now am I those things..that I should believe her now when she says it..that now this guy could never compete with me..I'm so much better than him in every way possible...

 

like I'm sorry I went and gave this guy everything you wanted and more without question or hesitation..but now after getting caught I want you and what we had but better..I wasn't good enough or good looking enough to keep you before but now!!! Oh now your more than that guy was..WTF!!!

 

Why is it only after me finally calling her out and having all the proof of her affair does she now want me in the way I wanted her...

 

Ironically good behavior can be a negative. You were her stable rock so she was able to take you for granted. You were her dad and she was your teenage daughter that wanted to date a boy you didn’t approve of. So she snuck out of her bedroom window to see him.

 

Dad caught her and may kick her out of the house. The boy has no place for her to live. So now daddy is wonderful. She realizes all that he did for her. How could she have been so blind? Daddy was the best man that ever lived.

 

A fish doesn’t know that it live in water. It doesn’t appreciate it until you take the water away. That’s the key. You need to make it clear that you are free to divorce her at any point. If she thinks that you love her so much that daddy will let her keep her room no matter want she does, then you are lost.

 

I would treat her like a business partner that you caught embezzling. She has valuable skills useful for the business so you will keep her for now. But you can never blindly trust her again. See a lawyer and set up your finances so she can’t do as much damage again. When the youngest kid is out of the house you may want to close the business.

Edited April 28, 2017 by Buckeye2

[QuietDan]

Right, he doesn't! I'm simply stating that the WW can and probably does very well love her husband. Yes the MW made a huge, life changing mistake, but that doesn't mean she doesn't love and doesn't want to spend her life with her husband!!

 

People make mistakes!! Yes some mistakes are much larger than others but we're human. Sometimes we obviously don't think things throughly, before doing them! That doesn't mean that we love less!

 

Also, I don't think the women all of a sudden drop their feelings for Om....they may not contact them but many still have some feelings....so I disagree that feelings come to a halt with revelation.

 

So, any observation about TH's pain and frustration regarding his wayward sudden remakable change towards her sex life with him regarding before and after discovery? Is the fear of discovery a major deterrent to creatively improving the sexual relationship with the betrayed spouse, which in turns leads to a sex life that suffers from stagnation? Since you are still an undiscovered wayward, you should have some valuable insite for TH. The holding back and not being available, transparent, receptive, creative, basically, uninhibited sex versus highly inhibited sex, seems to really cause substantial frustration, anxiety, emotional pain.

[Buckeye2]

I'm simply stating that the WW can and probably does very well love her husband. Yes the MW made a huge, life changing mistake, but that doesn't mean she doesn't love and doesn't want to spend her life with her husband!!

 

I’ve seen this attitude many times in good marriages where the wife has an affair. Women and men value marriage for the same reasons but have different priorities . Women tend to valve the relationship more while men tend to put a greater value on sexual faithfulness. This is very primitive and based on biology. Women know that the child they give birth to is theirs. Men have to trust their mate.

 

The basic deal was that the male promised to provide for the children his mate gave birth to and his mate promised that they would be his. Of course having her children provided for (relationship) was paramount for the woman.

 

My point is that from the woman’s perspective she was faithful to her husband in what matters most (i.e. the relationship, she never intended to leave him and the stability he provided). The man typically has a different point of view. His wife gave away what is most special to him for free.

 

A WH telling his BW that is was only sex is a usually positive thing. The relationship was always secure.

 

A WW telling her BH the same thing can be a negative. The guy meant nothing. She gave it away for free and wants her BH to continue providing stability as if nothing happened. Isn’t that nice of WW to let the BH keep supplying her with what she values most? She wants to grow old with her BH.

 

From the TV show House:

 

Wilson’s ex wife cheated on him and now wants him back

 

Wilson: People change, House.

 

House: Sure. They get older, ovaries start drying up, and nice guys like you look attractive again.

[Life lessons]

So, any observation about TH's pain and frustration regarding his wayward sudden remakable change towards her sex life with him regarding before and after discovery? Is the fear of discovery a major deterrent to creatively improving the sexual relationship with the betrayed spouse, which in turns leads to a sex life that suffers from stagnation? Since you are still an undiscovered wayward, you should have some valuable insite for TH. The holding back and not being available, transparent, receptive, creative, basically, uninhibited sex versus highly inhibited sex, seems to really cause substantial frustration, anxiety, emotional pain.

 

From what I've read, his situation is/would probably be a little more difficult, mainly due to the fact that the affair went on for 18 months and wasn't stopped on her own accord.

 

I can only imagine the pain of having the OM inform the H, of the affair. This definitely seems like one of the worse case scenarios. And that's why I think it would be more difficult to reconcile considering this knowledge!

 

As I've stated previously, in my opinion, if his wife actually wanted out of the affair, she would've made it happen! So again, another strike considering this didn't happen-----she didn't stop it! The OM had to stop it and apparently she didn't want to accept that so he had to go to Texas.....to insure it would end! That makes this entire situation so much worse! Texas, I'm so sorry to say, but it does seem like you were plan b, in your wife's case!

 

In reference to what I stated in my last couple of posts, I was simply referring to the spouse, in general, could certainly still love and want a life, with her husband, although she had an affair. But with that said, there's also several factors that have to be taken into consideration and the above aforementioned are a couple!

 

I only know the way I felt during my affair and I know I was extremely selfish. I never once thought about the what-ifs....what if my h found out--what if I get caught, etc. it was pure selfish months, on my part. I only thought about myself and the enjoyment and excitement that I was getting from the affair....the excitement--the addiction it brought!! I had someone there that I could talk to, that was completely different than my husband...me and exOM would sext a lot and I never could or would do that with my h. For some crazy reason, I don't feel I can show that side of me to my husband! Which may very well be the case in your wife's situation!?

 

I'm not saying that as an excuse for an affair because I know there is no excuse but I also know that affairs are addictions! They're difficult to end--to get out of....but if you don't want to be in it....then you walk away....plain and simple. They're only addictive because you're enjoying it!! So yeah, I definitely call bs on her wanting to end it. I definitely think she would've ended the a if she truly wanted too! She obviously didn't because there was still excitement there....she was still addicted to OM.

 

Of course the sex was good in the A. It's bs for anyone to state the sex isn't good. An affair is physical most times.....and that's because of sex....no brainer that she enjoyed it. Now I can honestly say that, myself, I didn't have the wild affair sex nor act out fantasies....but I still enjoyed the sex! It was different! It was forbidden! That brought excitement!

[drifter777]

Right, he doesn't! I'm simply stating that the WW can and probably does very well love her husband. Yes the MW made a huge, life changing mistake, but that doesn't mean she doesn't love and doesn't want to spend her life with her husband!!

Actually, it does mean she doesn't love her husband. Just like you do not love your husband. No spouse can cheat on their SO if they truly love them. Whatever it is that you & TH's wife "feel" for your husbands is probably a lot more like need than love. You need him for lots of reasons like to be a father or help with providing for the family - maybe even so you can claim to "have" a man. But don't insult all of the spouses who truly love their SO by claiming you love your BH. It should be embarrassing for you to even suggest such an outrageous thing.

 

TH - I know what you are going through and how hard everything is for you right now. I wish I could tell you that it gets better but that would be a lie. It may get better someday but it's going to be a long, painful road. Raising those kids will provide a welcome distraction from all of this so no matter if you stay or go remember that you need those kids as much as they need you.

[harrybrown]

Right, he doesn't! I'm simply stating that the WW can and probably does very well love her husband. Yes the MW made a huge, life changing mistake, but that doesn't mean she doesn't love and doesn't want to spend her life with her husband!!

 

People make mistakes!! Yes some mistakes are much larger than others but we're human. Sometimes we obviously don't think things throughly, before doing them! That doesn't mean that we love less!

 

Also, I don't think the women all of a sudden drop their feelings for Om....they may not contact them but many still have some feelings....so I disagree that feelings come to a halt with revelation.

 

Some actions are not "mistakes".

 

I hit my thumb with a hammer. Mistake.

 

Cheating over and over and lying and actively deceiving are not mistakes.

 

If your H had an affair and the OW had a child would that be a mistake in your view?

[QuietDan]

I had someone there that I could talk to, that was completely different than my husband...me and ex OM would sext a lot and I never could or would do that with my h. For some crazy reason, I don't feel I can show that side of me to my husband! Which may very well be the case in your wife's situation!?

....and that's because of sex....no brainer that she enjoyed it. Now I can honestly say that, myself, I didn't have the wild affair sex nor act out fantasies....but I still enjoyed the sex! It was different! It was forbidden! That brought excitement!

 

The pain of the loyal spouse...

Don't they deserve a chance to have this with someone?

Who then?

The wayward going through the motions pretending to be interested and forcing spontaneous novelty after discovery?

When do the loyal spouse get there turn to have something exciting, interesting, fun, uninhibited?

Do loyal spouses only get to experience second hand novelty from the waywards?

It sort of spoils it for them doesn't it?

TH's wayward wife...sort of maybe starting to understand just how contaminated the whole situation becomes for the loyal spouse. It was corrupted, contaminated, short changed, counter fit sex before, D-Day...

Life's Lesson.... sounds like your husband is also experiencing a

counterfeit sex life as well with you... filled with inhibition, and perhaps even forced vanilla sex in order to avoid discovery...

It seems like... waywards just don't really appreciate, understand, or care about the injustice that they commit.

Seems like... discovery...usually ends up blasting through a lot of the inhibitions here. Isn't it interesting how the wayward has enough fear now to attempt to at least pretend to be uninhibited and interested in her betrayed spouses sexual desires...

yet... all that seems to add to the overall pain and apparent perception of injustice... TH pondering why not before D-Day....

Life's Lesson answer here sounds like... the husband just doesn't do it for her... same as TH's wife general attitude...

The waywards... seem to say a lot of things... all sorts of things about this and that...

What are they all talking around and trying to say everything other than what they really mean to say....

Too many talking points available for waywards these days....

They all know the right things to say and do when the S%#t hits the fan...

But, is it the truth?

[signpost]

The pain of the loyal spouse...

Don't they deserve a chance to have this with someone?

Who then?

The wayward going through the motions pretending to be interested and forcing spontaneous novelty after discovery?

When do the loyal spouse get there turn to have something exciting, interesting, fun, uninhibited?

Do loyal spouses only get to experience second hand novelty from the waywards?

It sort of spoils it for them doesn't it?

TH's wayward wife...sort of maybe starting to understand just how contaminated the whole situation becomes for the loyal spouse. It was corrupted, contaminated, short changed, counter fit sex before, D-Day...

Life's Lesson.... sounds like your husband is also experiencing a

counterfeit sex life as well with you... filled with inhibition, and perhaps even forced vanilla sex in order to avoid discovery...

It seems like... waywards just don't really appreciate, understand, or care about the injustice that they commit.

Seems like... discovery...usually ends up blasting through a lot of the inhibitions here. Isn't it interesting how the wayward has enough fear now to attempt to at least pretend to be uninhibited and interested in her betrayed spouses sexual desires...

yet... all that seems to add to the overall pain and apparent perception of injustice... TH pondering why not before D-Day....

Life's Lesson answer here sounds like... the husband just doesn't do it for her... same as TH's wife general attitude...

The waywards... seem to say a lot of things... all sorts of things about this and that...

What are they all talking around and trying to say everything other than what they really mean to say....

Too many talking points available for waywards these days....

They all know the right things to say and do when the S%#t hits the fan...

But, is it the truth?

 

This is a great insightful post! This is why I always feel pity for the BH who's in R with a WW and this one sentence from QuietDan's post summarizes the point: just how contaminated the whole situation becomes for the loyal spouse. Enough said.

[William]

Moderation received a post report on this thread and the moderator on duty processed that report but I'm also taking a look at the thread given its length, 362 posts over two months, and that the reported post and a quick scan of the latest content finds it to have moved more into general discussion not relevant to the member's marriage. Also, it appears there is no affair currently, and wasn't when the thread was posted, rather a marriage continuing and in recovery.

 

Hence, I'm going to give this thread a break over the weekend while being reviewed and will move it for the time being to MLP since the focus is on the marriage and no affair ever existed during the time of the thread's existence. Perhaps that decision will change. For the time being, the thread starter has a lot of input to consider and we thank the members for their insight and advice.

 

ETA, content on a similar topic was merged into this thread, starting after this post, and the thread re-opened.

Edited May 17, 2017 by William
Reviewed, moved to MLP and closed; later reopened

[Texashunter]

I don't understand still how if all she wanted was what they did and nothing more..just the sex, videos,texts and emails..why the same stuff for 17 months..no love or increased emotions for him. She sent me this email to questions she found online. What's your thoughts?

 

I have shared this with you before....I thought it might be good to read through it again.

J.. I am so very sorry for what I have done. I regret hurting you. You are an amazing man, and I am a fool for betraying you. I am grateful for the time I get with you now, and I will not waste it. Even though you may not feel the same way as I do, I will not stop loving you and I will not stop trying to get you to see that.

 

Finding Meaning in the Affair

What did the affair mean to you?

The affair was my turn to be completely selfish. Right or wrong, I felt like I had always done what everyone else wanted, always taken care of everyone else’s needs, as best I could, and ignored my own. I was selfish and I was 100% wrong. The affair also sparked a light that lit the bomb that blew my sexuality out of that bottle I had placed it in. I had not felt horny and that kind of want in a long time.

 

 

Did the affair provide something that you felt you needed?

In the end, no, it did not. But at the time, the affair was an escape from my day to day life. It’s not that I was bored, necessarily, but I felt that I was always trying to make everyone else happy, and I was not happy in the end. I felt like nothing I ever did was good enough for everybody. The affair gave me a break from that. I did not share a life or children or a household with him. There were no expectations. There was no day to day life stuff that came up between us.

 

What did you get out of it that you weren’t getting in our relationship?

I feel like what I got out of it was sexual validation without expectation or judgment. He wanted me, for me, or what little he knew of me, and there was no expectation to go along with it. That is not really a relationship, though. That is not gratifying in the long run.

 

Where you getting some need met from this other person that you were afraid to ask me to provide?

I feel like I answered this question already

 

Did you feel guilty?

Yes, I felt guilty. But unfortunately, I did not act on that guilt like I should have. I should have stopped what I was doing.

 

Did you find anything new out about yourself?

Yes. I found out that I CAN be a sexual being and still be a mother and a caregiver. I found out that I have the capability of being a horrific person, and that I do not like that about myself. I found out that avoiding things is the absolute worst way to try to deal with life.

 

Why do you think it happened when it did? Was there anything else going on in your life that influenced your decision?

I was not looking for it. It was not something I even thought was possible for me to do. The buildup of the years prior, the miscarriages, the babies back to back, bringing Logan into our family and then losing him, your depression, my inability to find a way to reach you – all these things led me to the place I was when this started. Having friends - or one friend in particular - who was not supportive and who didn’t truly understand me didn’t help. There were times I dreaded being at home because I felt trapped somehow. That’s why I started drinking more and wanting to go out more. Instead of spending time with you, I pushed away from you. I do feel like some time to ourselves is a good thing – go have a beer with a friend or go hunting – but I needed to have focused on you and me and us.

 

I hear you blame the other person for the affair, is it difficult for you to take full responsibility?

I take responsibility for my actions. I also know that I felt like I was more of a follower in this situation. Yes, there were things I suggested, but in the very beginning I did not make the first move. I wish I had been stronger and given more thought to what I was doing. Unfortunately, I did not. I will not make that mistake again.

 

What does it mean to you if you were to take full responsibility for the affair?

I do take full responsibility. I did this, I made the choices, I was weak and selfish and I cheated. It means that I have to work extra hard to earn your trust and prove that I care about you and our relationship. It means that I think about you and your feelings before mine.

 

What made it difficult to stop?

I was addicted to the way having the secret relationship made me feel. The sexy messages and pictures were addicting. When he would reach out to me – I felt wanted and desired, like he couldn’t stay away from me and that made me feel powerful. At the very end, when I did want to call it quits, but didn’t – I did have some thoughts that if I did cut him off then what would he do? Would he try to reach out to you, to tell on me and ruin me?

 

Did the affair have anything to do with something you felt was missing from our sex life?

The thing that had always been missing from our sex life was MY sexual desire. I could not separate having wants and needs from being a mother and providing care. I bottled it all up and could not let it out. I knew you were always way more sexual than I thought I was. It’s not that I didn’t WANT you….it was that I needed to take care of you, and it was hard to separate that. Then when we started having other problems in the bedroom, it just got worse.

 

Why didn’t you tell me about the affair?

This question has already been answered

 

 

What drew you to this person?

He reminded me of you in some ways – dark hair, dark eyes. He told jokes, elaborate stories. But he was also in pretty good shape because of what he did for a living.

 

Were you ever worried about losing me?

I was, but I wouldn’t allow myself to think about it. If I thought about it, I would have to face the stark reality of what the hell I was doing, and I couldn’t handle that.

 

What do you want me to know about the affair?

I want you to know everything. I have told you everything that I have been able to remember. I want you to know that I am not and never will intentionally hold anything back. Please believe me when I tell you that you know all of the events and most of what was talked about. There are details I cannot recall, but I am not holding back any detail that is pertinent to the story.

 

How did you feel when I found out about the affair?

I was in total shock. The affair was over, and I thought I was safe. Deep down, I think I knew I would have to confess at some point, but I was not ready yet. Our relationship was already too rocky.

 

Did you want me to find out about your affair?

No, I didn’t because I knew it would hurt you. Maybe I didn’t realize it would hurt you as bad as it has, but I knew it would be devastating.

 

Did you think I would never find out?

I did think you would not find out. To be honest, it was easy to email him, even from home, because you hardly paid any attention to me. When you did start paying more attention, I stopped emailing him from home.

 

What was it like to keep the affair a secret?

It was nerve wracking at times. I did not want you to find out. But honestly, you never really came close to catching me, as far as I knew. We spent so much time apart, even sitting at home. I remember at one point being a little upset because it was like you never paid any attention to me or to what I was doing, and that’s why I was able to get away with it. Now, I feel remorse for keeping secrets from you. I used to share everything with you, and I don’t know exactly when that changed, but I do want it back.

 

What was it like for you to have the two relationships?

I had it all so separated in my head. I didn’t really think about what I was doing as a relationship, but it was. Not a romantic one, but still, a relationship.

 

What was it like to come home to me?

Confusing. I felt guilt and I had to push it away. I knew what I was doing was wrong, but I justified it to myself. There were times I dreaded being at home because I never knew what kind of mood you’d be in. And there were other times that we had a great time together. I wanted to be near you, but I pushed away from you at the same time.

 

Did you see a future with this other person?

No, I knew there was no real future.

 

Did you ever think of leaving me?

Yes, I had thoughts of leaving you. Brief thoughts.

 

Did you ever want to leave me?

No, deep down I never really wanted to leave you.

 

Are you staying for me or are you staying for the children and our life together?

My answer is all of the above. For you, because I do sincerely love you and care for you, and I hurt you and I want to make it right. I need to make it right. We need each other. For our life together, because we have so much history and there have been so many good times. We have a great time together. We balance each other out when we are working together. And for our boys, because they deserve to have a mother who loves them and cares for them and I want to be that mother to them. I want them to grow up in a happy home, with both of their parents. I want them to see us struggle but work things out. I want them to see us care for each other and take care of each other. I want them to learn from our mistakes and to see that people can make bad choices, but that does not have to define their entire life. Forgiveness can happen.

 

Do you think it will happen again?

Absolutely not. I see what led me to this point, and I will absolutely not allow it to get that way again. We will talk, we will spend time together, both as a couple and as a family. I will not allow myself to stray again.

 

Were you trying to get my attention?

Yes, I think I was….I felt like I had tried to talk to you and reach but in the end I gave up because I was scared of confrontation. I was afraid that I would push you too hard, too many harsh things would be said and that would end us. I know that I was wrong about all of that.

 

 

 

Questions for Both Partners to ask

 

Do you think we can repair our relationship?

Yes, I truly do. I know we have enough love for each other. It will be difficult. It will be work. But I believe if we choose US and choose to love each other, then we will make it through.

 

Do you think the affair has brought with it any good attributes?

Only opening up that bottled sexuality. I wish I had been able to do that before. I could have kept you happy. I would never have been tempted. But I can’t undo what is done – I can only go on, day by day, choosing to be honest and faithful to you.

 

Do you think you can move past this?

I absolutely can. I want to so badly.

 

Do you still want me in your life?

Yes, I want you and need you in my life.

 

If we were to walk away from our relationship what would you consider the biggest loss?

The friendship that we had, that I know we can rebuild. You are I are so very different, but we have always been able to talk about nothing, hang out, and have a good time. I want our boys to witness that and to learn to be a good man like their father.

 

Are you staying for me or our family?

You are my family. Our boys are our family. I want to stay for both.

 

What do you see as the most challenging thing about rebuilding our relationship?

Your ability to let it go will be most challenging – I know you are a grudge-holder. I know I have hurt you beyond imagination. I know forgiving me will be the hardest thing for you to do.

 

What do you consider our relationship’s areas of growth and strength?

I think we both have a lot of work to do in the area of communication, but me probably more than you. Also trust is a huge growth area. I think our biggest strength is that we love each other more than we care to admit.

 

What do you value most in our relationship?

Your honesty, as brutal as it can be.

 

Do you think you could ever trust me again?

I trust you, but I am also scared. We’ve talked quite a bit about the possibility of you having an affair, and it scares me and makes it hard to trust knowing that it will always be something you are thinking of doing. Also, it’s hard to trust that you won’t go into a tirade on any given day and start calling me all of the hurtful and nasty things you’ve been calling me over the last 2 months. I thought it was bad before, but I was wrong. I don’t want to push it out of my mind and forget about it, but it is very difficult to hear those words and know you mean every bit of it and still continue to try to be a better person than that. I know I can, just know it is hard.

 

 

Questions for the hurt partner to ask partner who had the affair

 

Do you understand how I feel?

I feel that I do understand how you feel. I can see the hurt in your eyes. You have expressed in so many different ways how you feel, and I have listened intently.

 

Are you willing to be patient as I learn how to forgive you?

Yes – I will be patient with you. I know there will be times when you will push and push and push, and I might snap a bit. And I am sorry for that. It is hard to hear over and over and over that you do not have any faith in us or in what I say, knowing that I can’t change that, but still wanting to try.

 

What would it be like if I had an affair?

I would be devastated. If you had had an affair and not me, and I had found out or you had come to me, and you were sincerely sorry and told me you wanted to stay together, I would give you that chance. I really really would. But if it happened a second time – no deal.

Edited May 17, 2017 by Texashunter

[saddad44]

How long did this go on?

[RecentChange]

Boy Texashunter, I could have written some of the exact same words your wife has.

 

For ME, yes it was about the sex, well, and the attention, and the sex. And how alive again it made me feel, and how I for once wanted to be the selfish one.

 

And like her, there was no love, as for emotion, over time we developed a closeness, but I didn't care for him, I wasn't emotionally tied to him, honestly if he went *poof* one day (which come D Day is what happened) I knew I wouldn't miss HIM. I missed the excitement, the way he made me feel about myself - but not him.

 

I know I compartmentalize sex from emotion fairly easily though. We even made a verbal agreement before anything happened to NOT get emotionally involved.

 

Feel free to PM me if you want to talk at all - I feel like I understand where she is coming from, having been there myself.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I do think she is trying to be transparent to you...and she is trying to rebuild trust.

 

I beleive her.

 

I found the questions and answers interesting...thank you for sharing this.

 

But how do you feel?

[lolablue17]

I'm sorry to ruin the "lovey dovey honesty" party.

 

I have read carefully all her replies to your questions, and i'll give you my gut impression. I see a very smart woman, who knows her husband very well. She knows that her husband is very smart too, so she knows that if she lies, you will probably sense it and wouldn't accept it.

 

So she has chosen the "honesty routine" but with some little touch ups and some Photoshop to make the picture to be prettier. She knows that when someone (espesially someone we love) admits her crimes we turn to like her more. Any criminal knows it.

 

So basically what can we learn from all of it? She selfishly would willing to sacrifice your feelings, her family, and her marriage to you, for her affair. I'm sorry but almost any married human being secretly wishes to eat the cake while keeping it full. All of us have animal desires. The very basic agreement in marriage is "for the sake of my love ones and my family i agree and commit to control my animal desires". She made you making that vow and you kept it, while she didn't.

 

A short affair or a one night stand can be explained with "I made a mistake." A 17 months affair is a lifestyle. According to her, the only thing that will keep her from having more affairs, is that she knows how much it hurts you. But according to her statement she knew it already while the affair was going on.

 

She will need sexual validation in the future, I can assure you. All the reasons you hope will prevent her next affair, were valid before this affair. There isn't any new one. And i don't buy the "I know what led to the affair so I will know how to avoid it". She also knows how did you find out so she could avoid making previous mistakes by not leaving evidence.

 

This is a simple case of a woman who couldn't keep her underpants on, because it was sexy and exciting, but was selfish enough not to be honest with you and letting you do the same, or decides for yourself. It's really not a big deal to be honest after being caught. Sorry...

[Texashunter]

I feel like sh.t..I don't see her as a wife anymore..to make things worse she is pregnant with our 4th child now..12 weeks into it..thing is I'm not that excited like I feel I should be. Yes it is my kids and I know that for sure..

 

Her affair lasted 17 months before he dumped her in the middle of emails one day..he closed his email account and disappeared. She said she was actually glad it came back undeliverable..she wanted to end it for some time but was afraid he would get mad and contact me..which I call bs but that's what she adamant about. Tomorrow is the 18th which was the date of their first sexual encounter and this Saturday is the first time them meet up at a hotel before he left town to go back to Arizona to have sex with him..the next 3 months are going to be hell for me.

[lolablue17]

..she wanted to end it for some time but was afraid he would get mad and contact me..

 

I have just said that she has chosen the "honesty play" with some touch ups... Well this is no touch up. This is a clear lie! Another crack in her "honesty theatre".

[alsudduth]

I have just said that she has chosen the "honesty play" with some touch ups... Well this is no touch up. This is a clear lie! Another crack in her "honesty theatre".

 

I disagree. I wanted to be done with my affair for a long time before it actually ended. It is absolutely like an addiction. I believe that she did want to end it, but didn't know how to because she was in too deep.

 

There IS such thing as true remorse. Her responses in my opinion sound honest.

[Texashunter]

I have just said that she has chosen the "honesty play" with some touch ups... Well this is no touch up. This is a clear lie! Another crack in her "honesty theatre".

 

Trust me I don't believe it either but she sticks to it..she claims that she wanted it over but that she hoped he would end it or disappear so she didn't have to do it herself. There are many thing about her story I refuse to believe because it smells of BS from what others have told me and from what I have been reading. She has become very good at covering her ass to protect herself. Even if she wanted to change she can't because these ways are so much easier..she like the easy ways in life..which for us normal people are the harder ways..which is why she had an affair..she lied to herself about why and thought it was easier than trying to fix her marriage. Even after the affair ended she just went back to a crappy person she was before and not lift a finger to fix the marriage at all..only getting caught did she "see the light and what she had to lose".

[alsudduth]

Trust me I don't believe it either but she sticks to it..she claims that she wanted it over but that she hoped he would end it or disappear so she didn't have to do it herself. There are many thing about her story I refuse to believe because it smells of BS from what others have told me and from what I have been reading. She has become very good at covering her ass to protect herself. Even if she wanted to change she can't because these ways are so much easier..she like the easy ways in life..which for us normal people are the harder ways..which is why she had an affair..she lied to herself about why and thought it was easier than trying to fix her marriage. Even after the affair ended she just went back to a crappy person she was before and not lift a finger to fix the marriage at all..only getting caught did she "see the light and what she had to lose".

 

Can I ask WHY you are still in the marriage? You sound like you A. don't believe her and B. weren't happy with her pre-affair.

 

Just leave if you can't forgive her. Rip off the band-aid and move on so that you guys can focus on co parenting your kids.

[Texashunter]

I disagree. I wanted to be done with my affair for a long time before it actually ended. It is absolutely like an addiction. I believe that she did want to end it, but didn't know how to because she was in too deep.

 

There IS such thing as true remorse. Her responses in my opinion sound honest.

 

She had no remorse or guilt for what she did..had she..she would have done something to improve our marriage once it was over. Instead she stood there and just let it keep crumbling. If someone feels guilt or remorse that would take some kind of action to take their situation and make it better for their spouse..guilt makes people do thing to make up for what they have done..she could care less about me and our boys..just went back to business as usual..remorse/guilt..na she didn't have anything till I finally had enough of it and got in contact with her boyfriends wife...then she felt remorse..but for getting caught..

[RecentChange]

Curious, now first let me say that there are reasons and then there are excuses.

 

While I have no excuses in my situation, I did have reasons.

 

What steps have been taken to manage your depression?

 

While I do not have children and the other difficulties she described, a husband that suffers from depression, and my position as care taker in many aspects of life contributed to my "F' it, I am going to be selfish as hell for a change" break in character.

 

It's not my husband's fault, and I don't blame him for a moment, but I know his illness contributed to my feelings of desperation and entitlement.

 

Unlike your wife, I have worked really really hard to make right. It's not business as usual, over a year after D Day and it's still a daily duty.

Edited May 17, 2017 by RecentChange

[Texashunter]

Can I ask WHY you are still in the marriage? You sound like you A. don't believe her and B. weren't happy with her pre-affair.

 

Just leave if you can't forgive her. Rip off the band-aid and move on so that you guys can focus on co parenting your kids.

 

I'm still lost..I don't know what I'm doing..just kind of in this fog and can't find my way out..I want to figure out things before having to break my family apart because of her actions..I don't want to make dissions when I'm like this..I have 3 boys futures at stake..and how do you leave someone when they are pregnant with another one of your children..I can't do it in good conscience..I hate her and am disgusted with her..but that's my baby in her..it deserves my care..I do for my children..not her..I'm still a man and a father who prizes his children beyond my happiness and pain..as long as they are mine I will not let them down. Even this new one that is due in Nov..they don't deserve to have a mother like her..but they do deserve their father keeping them together.

[RecentChange]

If you hate her - why did you two choose to bring another child into the world?

 

Yeah... Perhaps reconciliation isn't in the cards.

 

Both my husband and I have cheated in our 15 years together. There was pain, sorrow, guilt, hurt - but HATE? We have never held hate in our hearts, I don't know that hate could be recovered from.

[Texashunter]

Curious, now first let me say that there are reasons and then there are excuses.

 

While I have no excuses in my situation, I did have reasons.

 

What steps have been taken to manage your depression?

 

While I do not have children and the other difficulties she described, a husband that suffers from depression, and my position as care taker in many aspects of life contributed to my "F' it, I am going to be selfish as hell for a change" break in character.

 

It's not my husband's fault, and I don't blame him for a moment, but I know his illness contributed to my feelings of desperation and entitlement.

 

Unlike your wife, I have worked really really hard to make right. It's not business as usual, over a year after D Day and it's still a daily duty.

 

Actually I spoiled her..she had everything a woman could want..other were jealous of her because of how I treated her..yes we had some of the regular arguments most couple have that are just silly..but she took them as a sign I didn't lover her, respect her or even care for her..that being said was actually the opposite..she just didn't want to hear or see it from me. Now she's had to look back and see it all and is in pain for being so blind to how much I did care, love and respect her..and how much I sacrificed for her and our children..my problem was..I loved her to much...I cared for her not only as a wife but as a person to much and I respected her to much to let her become a fool..but nothing was going to stop her..she didn't want to be a mother or wife anymore..she wanted to be that single woman again..she didn't want to take the very things she had and try to fix or spice them up...I was just a father and her a mother..we were not supposed to behave that way in her eyes..she could only allow that kind of pleasure with a stranger...marriage to her was a joke and meant nothing..