Trying to understand wife's [past] affair

[Texashunter]

While not excuses, affairs happen for reasons.

 

So, if she didn't feel desired by her husband (umm been there done that - practically begging for sex while guys are chasing you), is she then never allowed to say that's how she felt? Should that never be addressed as part of the reconciliation so that both can understand fully what lead to bad choices?

 

I begged like a dog for sex or any kind of affection of the sort..I had a woman who was beautiful chasing me and even know of the affair I said no! So feeling not desired by me?? Well that would be a load of horse crap..I only desired her and tried to show her I did and then some...she was not lacking from me trying and showing..she just didn't want it from me..

 

I am more than willing to take any blame had I done something truly to make her feel this way..but holy crap I did everything I could possibly do to prove to her my love and desire for her...only now has she admitted that she does see how much I tried NOW..I would have given anything to this woman..I gave her my life and everything about me..

 

I didn't want to live the life my parents had with cheating and not loving each other..I wanted to show that I could and would be 100% commuted to her and do everything in my power to do so..but to be honest..there was never going to be enough for her..no matter what I did..I failed no matter what in her eyes..I didn't love enough, care enough or do enough to please her..

Edited May 18, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Texashunter]

Alright.... skimmed through the latest stuff here.

Recently, one of the few phone conversations that I had with my Mother was illuminating about marriage and miscarriages...

My niece, recently had a miscarriage this last year.

The miscarriage ended up destroying the relationship and the marriage is over now.

My mother... found some interesting statistics and related them to me....

The loss of an infant child and a late term miscarriage, usually ends up destroying a marriage with about... I believe something like....90% divorce rate??? Far beyond they typical divorce rate of infidelity.

You two, are probable in serious relationship crisis from this issue alone.

If the affair occurred after the miscarriage.... It sounds like it did.... the relationship challenges from the miscarriage alone... may have been a serious contributing factor in the thinking process, and the relationship problems that contributed to the waywards misguided thinking process.

You two probable need some sort of specialized counseling from the miscarriage alone.

 

Way too many issues to address in any one post.

Reconciliation, lengthy, messy things... I keep typing up lengthy... pontifications... on all sorts of things I see and realize, and want to convey to you two... So easy to see... the trouble that other face... so difficult to recognize and deal with your own...

 

 

The miscarriages happened 7 yrs ago and we had 2 more children after that.

[deadsoul]

I do not HATE you....I was unhappy, and frustrated and angry and hurt. And these were all things that I brought upon myself. Just like most WW, there really is NO GOOD REASON for what I did. I was not being abused, I was not being locked away - you are right - you were the perfect husband and we had a perfect life. But still, I was unhappy. And I know that it was my fault - my fault that you were depressed and that I didn't know how to handle it, my fault that I felt like I needed to take care of everyone else but then didn't take care of you the way you needed me. I take full responsibility for what I have done and how I have hurt you and our family. I am truly sorry. I beg for a chance to "make it right" and I know that I can never achieve that, but I will die trying. I love you and I love our boys and I don't want to continue hurting you or them.

 

He wasn't the perfect husband. Nor should he be.

 

You commented above that you will "never do it again." Did you ever feel you would do it in the first place? I know I didn't. I don't feel like I can say, "I'll never do it again." But I do feel I can say, "If I ever get into this situation again, I will tell you first." I can also say, "I will wake up each day and choose not to cheat again." It's like an alcoholic saying they will never drink again.

 

Other than that, I related to so many of your answers.

 

I had a very low self-esteem. I had it for years. I am not making excuses for my actions. But I realize now that I want to be a better person and I want to love myself. And I'm working on doing those things.

 

I do not think it's okay, OP, if you are calling her names. I wasn't clear if you were doing that or not, so if not, please disregard. It's okay to be angry and mad and express those feelings to her. But it is not okay to call [] her names.

 

For both of you: take a day at a time. Talk to each other. Express how you're feeling. I've started asking my BH, on a scale of 0-10, with 10 being 100%, how angry are you with me today? Last week it was a 7. Today it was a 3. Tomorrow it might be a 9. Or maybe a 2. Acknowledging that the feelings go up and down like a roller coaster might help. Asking, what made it a 7 today? What made it a 3? allows you guys to talk and get your feelings out.

Edited May 18, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[road]

I don't understand still how if all she wanted was what they did and nothing more..just the sex, videos,texts and emails..why the same stuff for 17 months..no love or increased emotions for him. She sent me this email to questions she found online. What's your thoughts?

 

I have shared this with you before....I thought it might be good to read through it again.<snip>

What would it be like if I had an affair?

I would be devastated. If you had had an affair and not me, and I had found out or you had come to me, and you were sincerely sorry and told me you wanted to stay together, I would give you that chance. I really really would. But if it happened a second time – no deal.

 

 

All I see in this post is a WW doing damage control, putting a spin on things

using carefully worded justifications to justify her affair.

 

A first rate piece of blame shifting work. Admitting just enough truth

to make it appear she is only confessing her transgressions.

Edited May 18, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[SoulStorm]

I have to say..your wife really did a number on you TH. She was so much into her affair she painted you as the depressed neglectful husband to justify it. She couldn't see that SHE was driving the depression. Too wrapped up in some other man. I think she did too much damage to you. Too many pieces of your heart missing that she blew up out of your chest and dragged through a virtual hell.

 

I don't think a child is going to help you out of this. You need a miracle and there is only one Being I know capable of granting those.

 

If any atheists are reading this then you don't want to read the next part

 

Prayer can change things

Edited May 18, 2017 by SoulStorm

[Texashunter]

No one here is calling her names..That's all me and only to her face..but the way I see it that my dang right..she took away my rights as a husband..so when I get really pissed I call her for how I see her..I'm not forcing her to stay..if she doesn't like it she know where the door is..I'm doing good to control my rage and ptsd..

 

I could have been a lot worse..could be beating her like I've heard about other people handling affairs..but I'm a grown man and don't believe in hitting a woman..men..I'll tear them apart..but never a woman..but I will call them the way I see them..why should I have to respect her for how she treated me..oh it's ok for you to have an affair and abandon her family for another man but god forbid I call her for what she became..[]..she paid for the flight and the hotel when she went to meet him for sex for the day..he gave her nothing..not a flower or even a candy bar for her time..

 

She made it all happen for him and he just sat back and enjoy her stupidity..makes me sick just thinking about how low she was willing to go for this guy..it would have been a cold day in hell to ever treat me like she treated him..for him everything was available and she would make possible..for me..well she did plan my 40th bday party becaus she loved me..(sarcasm)

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[Texashunter]

I used to believe in "god" and I used to praise him for being her into my life and making me a better man for it...but now..I have no need for religion..it's done nothing but fail me..I'm good now..one less thing to have to believe in but gets let down by every time..much like my wife..it's easier just to deal with myself.

[mercy]

.....but god forbid I call her for what she became.[]

 

Are you able to control your rage in front of your children?

Edited May 18, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Texashunter]

Are you able to control your rage in front of your children?

 

Yes, I don't want them to see that side of me...I try to change face and show them I'm ok..I try to contain myself..

 

Now this all being said I have gotten better with the outbreaks and name calling..it was a lot worse and is taking time..but may 18th is when the affair started and first sexual act..then the 20th is the first full on sexual meeting at his hotel out of town instead of going to work..that they planned on the 19th and she suggested..so I'm really trying to control myself which I don't know if I can.

Edited May 18, 2017 by Texashunter

[mercy]

..so I'm really trying to control myself which I don't know if I can.

 

You can. You're a good man and a good dad.

 

I knew dates of things that happened, time has been kind to me and moved me past the unbearable pain. But when you're in the pain it feels as if time has stopped. I get it.

 

Take your kids fishing tomorrow, make a new memory. You are allowing them to steal your joy, don't let them.

[deadsoul]

No one here is calling her names..That's all me and only to her face..but the way I see it that my dang right..she took away my rights as a husband..so when I get really pissed I call her for how I see her..I'm not forcing her to stay..if she doesn't like it she know where the door is..I'm doing good to control my rage and ptsd..

 

<snip>

 

Verbal abuse is still abuse. You may not be hurting her physically, but you are verbally abusing her. You have a right to do that because she had an affair? No. It isn't okay that she had an affair. But that doesn't give you the right to be verbally abusive. You call her [names] and you claim to hate her.

 

Affairs do not make these behaviors acceptable or okay.

 

You can hate what she did. But she is still the mother of your children and while she hasn't behaved in a respectful way, you need to rise above and still treat her with respect.

Edited May 18, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[mercy]

Verbal abuse is still abuse.

 

No, it isn't right.

 

Sadly, some men are conditioned to believe that anger is the only acceptable emotion they can feel, all others show weakness.

[SoulStorm]

But she is still the mother of your children and while she hasn't behaved in a respectful way, you need to rise above and still treat her with respect.

 

Yes.She's the same mother that left those children with her husband to make 6 sex tapes with a man in an Arizona hotel. Does that deserve respect? I can agree that he shouldn't call her names, but respect is earned

[deadsoul]

Yes.She's the same mother that left those children with her husband to make 6 sex tapes with a man in an Arizona hotel. Does that deserve respect? I can agree that he shouldn't call her names, but respect is earned

 

Agreed. Respect is earned. She hasn't behaved in a respectful way. But that does not mean he earns the right to call her names. That's why I said, rise above and treat her with respect. No, she may not have earned it. But if he loves her and wants to work things out, it's the right thing to do. That's all I'm saying. He can still treat her with respect, even if he doesn't respect her. Does that make sense?

[OneLov]

I used to believe in "god" and I used to praise him for being her into my life and making me a better man for it...but now..I have no need for religion..it's done nothing but fail me..I'm good now..one less thing to have to believe in but gets let down by every time..much like my wife..it's easier just to deal with myself.

 

I'm not going to comment on the wrongfulness of the affair since that has been covered at length.

 

However, this comment struck me. When someone has x, y, and z (priorities, interests, goals, NOT romantic interests) going on in their lives but chooses to spend the majority of their somewhat limited free time you; it makes you feel special. When someone has only you, you, and you going on in their lives and has no interest in anything else; it makes you feel suffocated.

 

People want to feel desired not needed. It's a lot of pressure for someone to feel responsible for your well-being, emotional state, spirituality, etc.. I'm only suggesting that you start to make some decisions in your relationship and life. If you always punt, you put a lot of pressure on the other person. Saying that you will stay no matter what and she can leave at anytime is another example of this. A lot of people find it incredibly attractive when you take control of your own life and not put all of it on them.

[GoldenR]

Verbal abuse is still abuse. You may not be hurting her physically, but you are verbally abusing her. You have a right to do that because she had an affair? No. It isn't okay that she had an affair. But that doesn't give you the right to be verbally abusive. You call her [names] and you claim to hate her.

 

Affairs do not make these behaviors acceptable or okay.

 

You can hate what she did. But she is still the mother of your children and while she hasn't behaved in a respectful way, you need to rise above and still treat her with respect.

 

She needs to EARN his respect. She spent 17 months in an affair, financing every aspect of the affair with family money, and she'd still be in the affair if OM hadn't dumped her. It's been 7 months....and all that she's shown us here that she does is blame shift and justify her A. But let's not forget the part he should be happy about.....the OM was actually a blessing in disguise, bc he awakened her sexually, and now she wants to do the things with her H that she did with her OM....things she'd still be doing with the OM if she had her way 7 months ago and he didn't dump her.

 

No.....she hasn't earned his respect. Not yet....

Edited May 18, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Quiet Storms]

Verbal abuse is still abuse. You may not be hurting her physically, but you are verbally abusing her. You have a right to do that because she had an affair? No.

 

She hasn't behaved in a respectful way. But that does not mean he earns the right to call her names.

 

Agreed, 110 percent.

 

Calling someone [] names is verbal abuse, and it is horrible and inexcusable, just like having an affair is horrible and inexcusable. One never justifies the other - never.

 

This thread is enlightening, because here we have a husband and wife posting on the same thread revealing their views on the same topic when normally we have just one. So we usually just get one side of the story. After reading this, and seeing the disparate nature of what was being posted by each of them, it becomes clear how much is lost on a routine basis by never hearing the other side.

 

Perhaps the [] name-calling by TH to his wife should not be referred to as "disrespect" and instead should be called "lack of human decency".

Edited May 18, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[William]

OK folks, we've had an announcement on language running on every forum here for nearly two years so there's no excuse for the mess I had to clean up regarding the pejorative for prostitute. Link to announcement

 

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/announcement-site-wide-individual-group-berating-policy-78.html

 

Moving forward, I'll expect no further problems in this area lest instant moderation be the consequences. Thanks!

[BluesPower]

Now look, I have been where these men are and let me tell you guys.

 

You ladies still have no idea what it is like for a man to be cheated on by his wife. The rage is unbearable, do you guys understand. You love a woman and she slept with another man.

 

For a man, that is all that matters. And he is going to be verbally abusive for a while, that is just the way that it is. It is your job to bear that rage unless he becomes physically abusive. You just have to deal with the names.

 

You know what my wife's first question to me was when she caught me cheating??? Did you love her???? That was all she wanted to know.

 

I said no, I was just banging her... Women, I think all women, are only concerned with whether or not you loved the other woman.

 

For men, all we care about is did you have sex with him and was her better than me....

 

All you ladies that are in R need to understand this FACT...

[mercy]

 

 

 

.

I know that he wants it as much as I do .

 

Yes you do.

 

But you do know his rage, right? We here only read it, you feel it. It is frightening, So what are you doing about that? To get it under control?

[oldlion]

Texashunter, I see a couple of traits in you that I have experienced. Depression for one. First let me say that that I had 2 careers in 45 years. Both were filled with violence and danger. About 10 years into my second career my anger got to the point my wife wanted me to see a doctor. Like you, I said no, I don't need a doctor. I need for things to start going the way I want them. What convinced me was the day I verbally jumped all over a man who I really liked. I was ready for a physical confrontation. All because of coffee. After I got home I realized that my wife was right. I was being a raging, self destructive moron. I went to see my doctor. She checked me out. I was depressed, which I had had depression since my 20's. She said that depression was anger turned inward. Some depressed people exhibit their depression by becoming withdrawn, quite, and melancholy. And some, like you and I, exhibit it with anger, rage, and hostility. She said that because of the continuous stress I had been under for so long, due to my careers, (and I did my best work under stress) I had probably used up the serotonin in my brain and this could cause severe depression. She put me on a drug call Wellbutrin. I couldn't tell any difference myself but everyone around me could. The depression, the rage, the anger went away. I slept better and felt like my old self. My wife went to see my doctor and thanked her for giving her back her husband. Take you wife's and my advice and see a doctor. What do you have to lose except your depression and anger.

 

You also, appear to me, that your anger is causing you to hold on tightly to the grudge you have against your wife for her infidelity. I understand the grudge but I also understand the longer you hold on to it, without trying to heal, the longer you hurt. I am one of those people that believes in second chances. I don't believe in third chances. If it wasn't for second chances my wife and I would not be together today. We had so much working against us. A husband who was gone about half the time; a wife with the major responsibility of raising three children; one of the children with very special needs; a false friend (married with two children) who decided that he could fulfill my wife's emotional needs while I was gone. It lasted around 10 years off and on. It was over when I found out so I never ask her if he took care of any physical needs. I didn't want to know. At that time I was a career Special Forces soldier and if I had ask and she said yes then I would probably have needed someone to help me bury his body. It was better for all for me not to know; What ended her EA was me having an 6 month EA and 2 time PA with lady we both knew . I found out about her after she started suspecting me and I confessed. Believe it or not, it didn't take us but a month to purge ourselves of the hurt and misery. That was because we truly loved each other. We stayed joined at the hip 24/7 for 30 days and talked and loved it out. I wish I could tell the whole story of how we did it but it would turn into a book. Did it work out for us? Well, that was over 35 years ago and we just had our 51st anniversary. It's where she and I learned that if you really love each other and can't image a happy life without each other, then you can forgive and make it work. She is my wife, my lover, my best friend, and the love of my life. Everyone talks about their children and taking care of them, and you should but not all your time. A lesson I learned is that time with your spouse is just as important as time with your children. My wife and I made time for each other and in turn it made a better life for our children. Another lesson I learned was communication between husband and wife. And I mean open, honest communication. My wife and I sit down everyday and just talk. It may be a hour or so over coffee or a couple hours at night. I completely believe that you can't have a good marriage without open, honest communication. I have also learned, long ago, good people can make bad decisions and do very bad things and that they can learn, and not do those things again. Mark Twain said that "Good decisions come from experience and experience comes from bad decisions." I think your wife is really trying but your anger is keeping you from seeing that. Do something to help yourself. Go to the gym, buy some new clothes, and wear them when you go see the doctor. Sorry, I didn't mean for this to be so long. I truly do wish you well.

[SoulStorm]

I am somewhat dumbfounded by women not expecting a man to be upset and say hurtful things. I question whether they can look back and see if a former boyfriend or current companion has been unfaithful and they didn't call him a few choice words.

 

Now I'm not saying what TH is doing is right. I think he can make a decision to scream those words when he is alone. Some women have been known to hit the companion after finding out

[Texashunter]

The fact that I am being fussed at and told I'm just as bad for calling her names is laughable..what?? She cheats and sleeps with another man..video, pics, emails, phone calls, FaceTime and much more..abandoning her children, husband and her marriage for this man..and me calling her some name out of anger and pain is bad?? Please...it could be so much worse..I will take name calling and words over what she has done in a heart beat...words are words...actions are way more powerful..compared to what she has done to our life and world pales in comparison to her actions..sonwith that my care factor is zero...you can sit and tell me how I am now verbally abusing her and she doesn't deserve it..really..what does a person deserve after doing everything she has done...compassion?? For what..I love the phrase mistake...this was no mistake but a choice..she knew what she was doing..but calling a person out for what they turned into is bad and abusive..why does the truth hurt? What someone can't handle what the dish out..wow..all I can say is wow.. let be nice then..Happy 2 yr anniversary to her and her AP..it's been 2 yrs today you decided your family and marriage was a joke to you and wasn't worth your time..hope all of it was worth it...openthe excitment and joy y'all shared carries on and brings you smiles...there..was that nice enough?

Edited May 18, 2017 by Texashunter

[mercy]

The fact that I am being fussed at and told I'm just as bad for calling her names is laughable..what??

 

 

Did you read oldlion's post?

 

Your rage is unhealthy, for you, for everyone around you. Yes be outraged at what your wife did. But this rage you have goes deeper than that.

 

Read oldloin's post, please.

[carhill]

OP, in your process of working through this, you might find the threads/posts of an old timer, no longer active here, one who successfully reconciled with his WW, to be of help.

 

Here's a sample:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/246946-question-loss-trust

 

If you have a trusted male friend in life, get together, have a few adult beverages of your choice and vent a little. No man is an island. Our family is job #1. Whatever it takes, that's what we do. Sometimes we need some help or someone to vent to. Perfectly normal.

 

The guy in the linked thread, Owl, was ex-mil, a Marine IIRC.

 

Good luck.