Trying to understand wife's [past] affair

[mercy]

The fact that I am being fussed at and told I'm just as bad for calling her names is laughable..what??

 

 

Did you read oldlion's post?

 

Your rage is unhealthy, for you, for everyone around you. Yes be outraged at what your wife did. But this rage you have goes deeper than that.

 

Read oldloin's post, please.

[carhill]

OP, in your process of working through this, you might find the threads/posts of an old timer, no longer active here, one who successfully reconciled with his WW, to be of help.

 

Here's a sample:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/246946-question-loss-trust

 

If you have a trusted male friend in life, get together, have a few adult beverages of your choice and vent a little. No man is an island. Our family is job #1. Whatever it takes, that's what we do. Sometimes we need some help or someone to vent to. Perfectly normal.

 

The guy in the linked thread, Owl, was ex-mil, a Marine IIRC.

 

Good luck.

[Texashunter]

Agreed, 110 percent.

 

Calling someone [] names is verbal abuse, and it is horrible and inexcusable, just like having an affair is horrible and inexcusable. One never justifies the other - never.

 

This thread is enlightening, because here we have a husband and wife posting on the same thread revealing their views on the same topic when normally we have just one. So we usually just get one side of the story. After reading this, and seeing the disparate nature of what was being posted by each of them, it becomes clear how much is lost on a routine basis by never hearing the other side.

 

Perhaps the [] name-calling by TH to his wife should not be referred to as "disrespect" and instead should be called "lack of human decency".

 

Did you read oldlion's post?

 

Your rage is unhealthy, for you, for everyone around you. Yes be outraged at what your wife did. But this rage you have goes deeper than that.

 

Read oldloin's post, please.

 

I did read it and I understand..but everyone deals with things differently. I have talked with my Doctor and explained my feeling and discussed what I should do. I am slowly getting past the rage but there are times I have to let things out no matter how it is..I've bottled up too much because of her and letting it out is starting to work..just not as fast as people believe I should...look this person was once my world..I can't just simply let the loss of this person go without being able to express myself..I have a lot to express with the loss of my friend, partner and wife whom I gave my very life to and she used it as toilet paper..I am working with my doc and therapist to do so..if I can do it without debugging myself in order to deal with life then I consider it a win win..if I find myself not being able to let it all out and need that help then my doc said he would make the call to have me on extra help. He doesn't believe I am at that point yet..I can appreciate that from him..I have suppressed my feeling for the last 4 yrs with her and her treatment of me..I don't care how she feels anymore..I need to release my feelings so I can feel again..she got her release with him..I will do mine the way I've needed to..sad part is yes I have become harden and harsh..but what do you expect..I am not one of these modern men..I'm old school and am trying to be open minded with clearing my thoughts..I'm not locking myself up in my room or trying to hurt myself or anyone else. I'm past that phase and had I held on to these feelings I wouldn't be talking on here from home but instead jail..I chose my children and have keep doing the responsible adult thing unlike my wife..I'm trying to hold myself together each and every day but I am not perfect..never was and never have claimed to be..but with her I gave 150% towards trying to be that for her..I never gave half butt effort..I gave it my all..for people I know they can't believe all of this of because how much they saw me trying and how much hard work I was putting into my family and her..I don't take thing lightly when it comes to my family..it was the only thing in my life that gives me meaning..and I treated it as so..I cherished my family and I cherished my wife more than anything I have ever had in my life..today 2 yrs again I learned that I was the only one who cherished this family and would give everything for it..I thought that we felt the same at one time and she did a very good job acting as if she did as well...what a fool I have become..what a waste of my effort for her..

[Texashunter]

OP, in your process of working through this, you might find the threads/posts of an old timer, no longer active here, one who successfully reconciled with his WW, to be of help.

 

Here's a sample:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/246946-question-loss-trust

 

If you have a trusted male friend in life, get together, have a few adult beverages of your choice and vent a little. No man is an island. Our family is job #1. Whatever it takes, that's what we do. Sometimes we need some help or someone to vent to. Perfectly normal.

 

The guy in the linked thread, Owl, was ex-mil, a Marine IIRC.

 

Good luck.

 

I have been doing that the last month now..I found a cool

Little bar with a older military crowd whom I talk with and enjoy drinks with..I am going out and meeting people for the first time on my own in 12 yrs since I've been married..I had no friends or outside life really because my wife at the time was my best friend and all I needed..I was happy even when times were rough because she was mine and I was hers..that's all I ever needed to keep me going..but I've lost that..it's gone and I can never have that again..I'm lost and have been lost since I lost her years ago because she shut me out of her life that way..I am doing the best I can with the current situation..and some days are worse then others..but the next 3 months will be my living hell now that everything is out..I have to live the story I now fully know..it's crushing..but I know I will survive just not the way I wish I could..

[deadsoul]

Now look, I have been where these men are and let me tell you guys.

 

You ladies still have no idea what it is like for a man to be cheated on by his wife. The rage is unbearable, do you guys understand. You love a woman and she slept with another man.

 

 

I agree with this. We really have no idea.

 

For a man, that is all that matters. And he is going to be verbally abusive for a while, that is just the way that it is. It is your job to bear that rage unless he becomes physically abusive. You just have to deal with the names.

 

 

Disagree with this. It's okay to have feelings. It's okay to express that you are angry. But how is calling names and being verbally abusive helpful for R? It just isn't. Obviously TH calling his spouse names isn't working because he's still pissed off at the world. And rightfully so. But having an A does not give

Another person a right to be verbally abusive. There's a difference between expressing your feelings and being a jerk.

 

 

You know what my wife's first question to me was when she caught me cheating??? Did you love her???? That was all she wanted to know.

 

I said no, I was just banging her... Women, I think all women, are only concerned with whether or not you loved the other woman.

 

For men, all we care about is did you have sex with him and was her better than me....

 

All you ladies that are in R need to understand this FACT...

 

My BH has not asked about the sex. He doesn't want details. That doesn't mean he won't in the future and I'm prepared to give him what he needs. Does TH need to respect his wife and her actions? Nope. Does he have the right to be pissed ft and angry? Yep. Does that give him the right to call her awful names? Nope. Sorry. I guess I'll have to bow out of this thread because I just don't see the justification that just because someone did something really f-ed up that the BH has the right to call her derogatory names.

 

OP, your anger bleeds through on this thread. I feel it when I read it. You have a right to that anger. I am not saying you don't. I don't even think you are "hearing" what I'm trying to tell you. I hope you are able to find healthy ways to deal with your anger that doesn't involve hurting someone else. Because guess what? Words hurt too. And your WW probably has a low self-esteem so she will take it. But that's not helping either of you heal and move forward. Good luck. Peace out.

[deadsoul]

Sorry. That's supposed to say "pissed off." I'm typing on my phone.

[carhill]

I recall Owl talking about the two year plan and the five year plan and how long and tedious the recovery process was. I've seen this mirrored in real life with MW's, in some cases ten years down the road before the remnants fade away. It's kinda like a pain that's there, day after day and, one morning, we wake up and it's gone.

 

Probably already covered since I'm late to this but the process can often feel like death and the stages of grief. No person died but we grieve the loss of the marriage that is irretrievably lost. A new marriage might take its place, a reconciled marriage, but the old one is gone forever and all those stages, anger among them, get processed. At some point, if things work, one reaches acceptance that the old is gone and, if healthy, a new partnership has emerged.

 

I think your new-found social group and focus on widening it will become a great asset to your recovery, especially with those who get it, who know the look in your eyes. Brothers. It'll work out.

[mercy]

..just not as fast as people believe I should...

 

There is no measure of time when grieving.

 

I hope you aren't feeling judged by me.

 

I get that men and women are very different in their reactions and healing. For you it is the sex, for me it was the talking. Bet that makes no sense to you, right?

 

Has your therapist talked to you about reacting/responding? I'm going to post a link for you to read.

 

I have faith in you Texashunter.

 

https://zenhabits.net/respond/

[Betrayed&Stayed]

Verbal abuse is still abuse. You may not be hurting her physically, but you are verbally abusing her. You have a right to do that because she had an affair? No. It isn't okay that she had an affair. But that doesn't give you the right to be verbally abusive. You call her [names] and you claim to hate her.

 

Affairs do not make these behaviors acceptable or okay.

 

You can hate what she did. But she is still the mother of your children and while she hasn't behaved in a respectful way, you need to rise above and still treat her with respect.

 

In the context of an affair venting is not verbal abuse. Having an affair is abuse. Destroying a marriage is abuse. Breaking up families is abuse. Emasculating your husband is abuse. Exposing your spouse to the risk of STDs is abuse. Placing TH in this volatile emotional state is abuse. Putting TH in a situation where he has to decide between staying married to a cheater or being a part-time dad is abuse.

 

One of my biggest pet peeves is when the BS is told to take the high road after being run over by a Mack truck. Not only does the BS get handed a steamy sht sandwich, some expect them to smile while eating it.

 

I yelled, screamed, and called my wife names. I lost my cool more times than I can remember. I don't apologize for it. It is a natural, and expected, response. If she had a problem with, then she should've thought about that before screwing her co-worker. If she had a problem with it, then she should've kept her dirty secret to herself. If she had a problem with it, then she could've moved out and filed for divorce. To my wife's credit, she faced the storm of my anger because she knew that she alone created the storm.

 

If TH's wife can't take the heat, then she should move out. She can stay at an extended-stay motel on the cheap for a few weeks.

 

TH has now entered in the Anger phase of his grief/trauma. It's a very dark place for many BHs.

[understand50]

Texashunter,

 

I going to try and say this as best I can. There no reason what so ever for abusing your wife. You may not think you are, but you are. Her evil, does not give you the right to abuse, and just because you have not been physical does not mean you are heading that way. IF she was to haul you into court, and let them know, you would have your A$$ handed to you, and a restringing order to boot. Is this what you want? Will this be helpful to your kids, yourself?

 

Find a way to be civil to her. I am not saying be OK with what she did, I am not saying she should get off the hook, but there are lines and you are crossing them. This is making your healing harder, and putting you in a position that if you do divorce you will get the shaft. I bring this up for your protection.

 

Look, and I am not saying what happen to me is even close to what happened to you, but when my wife spent us in to oblivion, I decide that I could not be angry with her 24/7. I had to take a break, and it was not fair to just meet her every time so pissed off. Now after 8 year, I am still pissed off, I just do not allow this to control my life, nor do I allow it to completely poison my relationship with her. You need to find a way to do this, even if you divorce, as you will then have to co parent. We are not saying you cannot be angry, nor the you do not have a good reason to be so. We are saying that you need to try and be civil , and also that you need to work in putting your anger to good and productive use. What are you doing to make things better? Just being angry all the time and lashing out does not let you do this.

 

Your wife is on a journey as well. You will need to give her time to figure out what you need, and also find her and your version of remorse. As long as she is moving forward, you should try and support her. If she slips, help get back up, but just deciding that she is only faking and not accepting she may be really be trying does you and her no good. Key on her actions, not what you think she is thinking or will do. What is she doing now?

 

I wish you luck.....

[understand50]

In the context of an affair venting is not verbal abuse. Having an affair is abuse. Destroying a marriage is abuse. Breaking up families is abuse. Emasculating your husband is abuse. Exposing your spouse to the risk of STDs is abuse. Placing TH in this volatile emotional state is abuse. Putting TH in a situation where he has to decide between staying married to a cheater or being a part-time dad is abuse.

 

One of my biggest pet peeves is when the BS is told to take the high road after being run over by a Mack truck. Not only does the BS get handed a steamy sht sandwich, some expect them to smile while eating it.

 

I yelled, screamed, and called my wife names. I lost my cool more times than I can remember. I don't apologize for it. It is a natural, and expected, response. If she had a problem with, then she should've thought about that before screwing her co-worker. If she had a problem with it, then she should've kept her dirty secret to herself. If she had a problem with it, then she could've moved out and filed for divorce. To my wife's credit, she faced the storm of my anger because she knew that she alone created the storm.

 

If TH's wife can't take the heat, then she should move out. She can stay at an extended-stay motel on the cheap for a few weeks.

 

TH has now entered in the Anger phase of his grief/trauma. It's a very dark place for many BHs.

 

I get it, but there is a line and I think TH is crossing it. Also with all your yelling and such, did it really help past keeping things tense? If your wife had filed for divorce, and brought you into court would things have gone well for you? You two stayed together, and thank god, because if she had filed, I do not think the court would have been "nice" to you. It does suck in today's legal system where a spouse can cheat, and that has no baring, but any yelling and abuse is given extra wight. especially by the man. Not fair, but it is so. She is also with child. I can just see the lawyers craving TH up into small bite size pieces. Luckily, your wife and you were able not to go that rout, but I think you need to realize just how at risk you were during this time. Yes, I understand the anger, but at some point you need to dial it back and try and work forward.

 

I wish you luck....

[Betrayed&Stayed]

I am working with my doc and therapist to do so..if I can do it without debugging myself in order to deal with life then I consider it a win win..if I find myself not being able to let it all out and need that help then my doc said he would make the call to have me on extra help. He doesn't believe I am at that point yet..I can appreciate that from him..

 

You might want to seriously consider ADs. I took them for 18 months because I felt that there was a constant rage boiling underneath the surface that could erupt at any time by any trigger. I even got into a fist fight in front of my wife and kids because some ahole set me off. At any other time in my life that would have never happened. Soon after that incident I went on ADs. AD's help me get through that Anger phase of recovery. Give it more thought. I hated the idea of taken meds, but I'm glad I did.

[alsudduth]

My BH has not asked about the sex. He doesn't want details. That doesn't mean he won't in the future and I'm prepared to give him what he needs. Does TH need to respect his wife and her actions? Nope. Does he have the right to be pissed ft and angry? Yep. Does that give him the right to call her awful names? Nope. Sorry. I guess I'll have to bow out of this thread because I just don't see the justification that just because someone did something really f-ed up that the BH has the right to call her derogatory names.

 

OP, your anger bleeds through on this thread. I feel it when I read it. You have a right to that anger. I am not saying you don't. I don't even think you are "hearing" what I'm trying to tell you. I hope you are able to find healthy ways to deal with your anger that doesn't involve hurting someone else. Because guess what? Words hurt too. And your WW probably has a low self-esteem so she will take it. But that's not helping either of you heal and move forward. Good luck. Peace out.

 

I'm just going to quote this, because it mimics my thoughts....OP no one is saying you don't have a right to be angry, or even to express your anger....what we are saying is the manner in which you are doing so is unhealthy for you, for your kids and for your wife....She is still your wife..You have not chosen to leave her yet.

That is a healthy choice you could make until you have the anger under control. If you continue verbally abusing your wife, your children WILL eventually see that, and they will think you no better than her and will see you both as immature people who need to grow up.

 

We all understand and sympathize with your anger and hurt, no one is saying to get over it right this instant. we are saying to stop verbally abusing your wife. Just because you think it's your right because she abused you by cheating, I guarantee courts and lawyers won't buy that excuse...so for your sake if nothing else, I'd watch that.

[frigginlost]

TH,

 

The amount of sympathy I have for you is enormous. Reading your replies takes me back to a very, very, bad time in my life but one that I did recover from. The road you are on is going to be miserable and it is not going to be easy to travel. It's been years since I was cheated on and I still feel a pang or two of pain at times. Yes, these are now few and far between, but they do still happen. Folks who cheat really have no clue what it does to a person. Women who can remove emotion from the act of sex absolutely do not understand that that action does not compute with a male who gives everything he has to her only to be obliterated. Our women our or other halves, our partners, the other half of our being. When they selfishly decide that "they are getting what they want" and put that focus on another man, it destroys us. Literally. They cant understand that because they are not wired like a male.

 

Sadly, they also cannot understand that our only defense outside of violence is lashing out. Badly. Name calling being one of our "go to" defenses. For the first 2 months after I found out I was absolutely brutal to my ex. To her credit, she took it. I then realized within myself that name calling although relieving me of pressure was doing absolutely nothing in healing. What is was doing was causing my ex more reasons to clam up or find fault in me. How screwed up is that? But, women are not wired like us, so we as males have to understand that as we communicate our anger toward the situation we have to remove the hateful anger toward them They already know what they have done, and if they have an ounce of dignity in themselves they are going to hate themselves more than we ever could.

 

When I used to feel the rage building in me, I would just grab my keys, tell my ex I loved her, but I need time to myself, and just leave. Sometimes I'd go see a buddy, sometimes a drive, sometimes to the local watering hole. I understand completely that you want to call her every name in the book and yes, you earned that right. But, for your own benefit you should try to taper off. Bitterness is a silent killer that will creep into your life. Don't allow it.

 

I've re-read this thread a couple times, and the hardest thing I think you will have to come to terms with, is that she would still be with the OM if he did not end it (unless of course I'm reading it wrong). Knowing that is going to be very hard on you. I was in the same boat, and it is not easy. At all.

 

Best to you.

[Texashunter]

In the context of an affair venting is not verbal abuse. Having an affair is abuse. Destroying a marriage is abuse. Breaking up families is abuse. Emasculating your husband is abuse. Exposing your spouse to the risk of STDs is abuse. Placing TH in this volatile emotional state is abuse. Putting TH in a situation where he has to decide between staying married to a cheater or being a part-time dad is abuse.

 

One of my biggest pet peeves is when the BS is told to take the high road after being run over by a Mack truck. Not only does the BS get handed a steamy sht sandwich, some expect them to smile while eating it.

 

I yelled, screamed, and called my wife names. I lost my cool more times than I can remember. I don't apologize for it. It is a natural, and expected, response. If she had a problem with, then she should've thought about that before screwing her co-worker. If she had a problem with it, then she should've kept her dirty secret to herself. If she had a problem with it, then she could've moved out and filed for divorce. To my wife's credit, she faced the storm of my anger because she knew that she alone created the storm.

 

If TH's wife can't take the heat, then she should move out. She can stay at an extended-stay motel on the cheap for a few weeks.

 

TH has now entered in the Anger phase of his grief/trauma. It's a very dark place for many BHs.

 

I agree with this 100%...I feel I have every right compared to how much abuse I took from her and her actions..but yet I'm worse because I call her names and she doesn't deserve it?? Thats the same as saying I deserved what she did and should just accept it and move on..I have no rights but she can take all hers and mine having as much fun as possible..again if she can't handle name calling she knows where the door is..I say and took her crap for years and because I loved her and wanted to make us happy..but god forbid I give her crap..again I'm sorry if you feel like I'm abusing her but you get what you ask for..I will not show mercy to someone who had none for me and our 3 kids..I will not bow down and swallow all my pride so she can be handle with fur mittens..if she didn't want this to happen then maybe she should have used her head for just a moment..if your not willing to do the time don't do the dang crime..

[alsudduth]

You might want to seriously consider ADs. I took them for 18 months because I felt that there was a constant rage boiling underneath the surface that could erupt at any time by any trigger. I even got into a fist fight in front of my wife and kids because some ahole set me off. At any other time in my life that would have never happened. Soon after that incident I went on ADs. AD's help me get through that Anger phase of recovery. Give it more thought. I hated the idea of taken meds, but I'm glad I did.

 

I also took AD's during the time my H was having an affair, and after he found out about my own affair. I'm off them now, it's ok to ask for help in even the lightest of times, so it should be almost expected that you need some help in the darkest of times.

[Texashunter]

TH,

 

The amount of sympathy I have for you is enormous. Reading your replies takes me back to a very, very, bad time in my life but one that I did recover from. The road you are on is going to be miserable and it is not going to be easy to travel. It's been years since I was cheated on and I still feel a pang or two of pain at times. Yes, these are now few and far between, but they do still happen. Folks who cheat really have no clue what it does to a person. Women who can remove emotion from the act of sex absolutely do not understand that that action does not compute with a male who gives everything he has to her only to be obliterated. Our women our or other halves, our partners, the other half of our being. When they selfishly decide that "they are getting what they want" and put that focus on another man, it destroys us. Literally. They cant understand that because they are not wired like a male.

 

Sadly, they also cannot understand that our only defense outside of violence is lashing out. Badly. Name calling being one of our "go to" defenses. For the first 2 months after I found out I was absolutely brutal to my ex. To her credit, she took it. I then realized within myself that name calling although relieving me of pressure was doing absolutely nothing in healing. What is was doing was causing my ex more reasons to clam up or find fault in me. How screwed up is that? But, women are not wired like us, so we as males have to understand that as we communicate our anger toward the situation we have to remove the hateful anger toward them They already know what they have done, and if they have an ounce of dignity in themselves they are going to hate themselves more than we ever could.

 

When I used to feel the rage building in me, I would just grab my keys, tell my ex I loved her, but I need time to myself, and just leave. Sometimes I'd go see a buddy, sometimes a drive, sometimes to the local watering hole. I understand completely that you want to call her every name in the book and yes, you earned that right. But, for your own benefit you should try to taper off. Bitterness is a silent killer that will creep into your life. Don't allow it.

 

I've re-read this thread a couple times, and the hardest thing I think you will have to come to terms with, is that she would still be with the OM if he did not end it (unless of course I'm reading it wrong). Knowing that is going to be very hard on you. I was in the same boat, and it is not easy. At all.

 

Best to you.

 

I have eased it a lot since the first few months..I'm not as bad as I had been..it's taking me some time but I am slowly easing off..there are Day where bite my tongue..but then there are days I just can't help it..

 

The fact she didn't end it and he just dumped her is very hard..had he not dumped her she would just have continued and that makes it all worse..that usually amps me up at times and blows things up..

[Texashunter]

I also took AD's during the time my H was having an affair, and after he found out about my own affair. I'm off them now, it's ok to ask for help in even the lightest of times, so it should be almost expected that you need some help in the darkest of times.

 

 

My doc is ex military and that helps me because he doesn't talk with me like a regular person..he understands me and what I'm going through..I trust him with making sure I don't get to close to the edge and if I did he would make the right choice for me to help pull me back..I did get lucky with finding him.

[DKT3]

Sometimes calling a WS names is what you feel and believe.

 

I'm a very analytical person, and never called my wife any names, however, if I'm being honest I felt she was a whore. One conversation has kinda stuck with me, she asked what I felt and thought of her.....my response was I feel your a good mother...she asked is that all...yep. now the thoughts in my head were vastly different, but the words never came out.

 

Point being, I wasn't honest with her about my true feelings. I could have expressed it without using nasty words or names but that's just simantic. Feeling and thinking those things about her was a direct result of her behavior and actions, not voicing them is not being authentic in a time we're it's very important to be open and honest.

 

Let's be honest, is there really a difference in the words? If it's how you feel and/or believe does it make it better to say it without using nasty words? I don't think so.

 

Your actions define you, you are what you do it's that simple. People calling you on it isn't the problem, you doing them is.

[frigginlost]

I have eased it a lot since the first few months..I'm not as bad as I had been..it's taking me some time but I am slowly easing off..there are Day where bite my tongue..but then there are days I just can't help it..

 

The fact she didn't end it and he just dumped her is very hard..had he not dumped her she would just have continued and that makes it all worse..that usually amps me up at times and blows things up..

 

Yup. I was in that same exact boat. The OM stopped it with my ex as well. That single fact was my catalyst to losing my cool many, many, times. The crappy thing is that my ex could not understand that. She would fire back with "but it is over, can't we just put it behind us? I screwed up. I know this". She could not grasp the fact that in the back of my mind, I was the second choice after giving her everything. Everything. And now she wanted to put it behind us because she got dumped on her ass. In reality she was sinking and I was the life boat. It took everything I had in me to extend the hand she needed. It was not easy. At all. The things my mind went through were so brutal I will carry the scars until the day I die.

 

Now, having said that, would I still be with her if she didn't cheat again? Yeah, probably so. I put so much work into myself, and she put so much work into fixing things that I would probably have stayed. Sometimes, during the worst of times you find the best in someone, and sometimes they show who they truly are at the core. My ex was not a good person at her core, and that will never change. It's up to you if you want to see what is at her core. Nobody would blame you for just telling her to f-off and walking, but I gather there is still fight in you.

 

Good job on toning down the name calling. It's a tough thing to do!

[mercy]

If you could predict the outcome of your marriage what would it be?

[Texashunter]

Sometimes calling a WS names is what you feel and believe.

 

I'm a very analytical person, and never called my wife any names, however, if I'm being honest I felt she was a whore. One conversation has kinda stuck with me, she asked what I felt and thought of her.....my response was I feel your a good mother...she asked is that all...yep. now the thoughts in my head were vastly different, but the words never came out.

 

Point being, I wasn't honest with her about my true feelings. I could have expressed it without using nasty words or names but that's just simantic. Feeling and thinking those things about her was a direct result of her behavior and actions, not voicing them is not being authentic in a time we're it's very important to be open and honest.

 

Let's be honest, is there really a difference in the words? If it's how you feel and/or believe does it make it better to say it without using nasty words? I don't think so.

 

Your actions define you, you are what you do it's that simple. People calling you on it isn't the problem, you doing them is.

 

I refuse to not speak my mind no matter how harsh it is..I call it like I see it..I never lied to her before and I won't start now my hold my tongue..that's all I'm saying..yes there are times I go over board and I know it..I've been working on that but I won't stop saying what I need to say about her and the situation she put me in..she made it this way and asked for this kind of treatment because she knew what would happen and still continued..if a person doesn't want to be called for their actions and what they changed themselves into them don't do something that makes you it..

[mercy]

Sometimes, during the worst of times you find the best in someone, and sometimes they show who they truly are at the core.

 

And when they do, then you have your defining moment. Never ignore the truths you discover about a person.

 

Do you know who your wife is at her core, Texashunter?

[Texashunter]

I have no idea who she is anymore..I don't see my wife..I see an imposter..don't think I'm at that point where I can see her as anything yet..all I see is blackness, cold and calculated..

[BluesPower]

In the context of an affair venting is not verbal abuse. Having an affair is abuse. Destroying a marriage is abuse. Breaking up families is abuse. Emasculating your husband is abuse. Exposing your spouse to the risk of STDs is abuse. Placing TH in this volatile emotional state is abuse. Putting TH in a situation where he has to decide between staying married to a cheater or being a part-time dad is abuse.

 

One of my biggest pet peeves is when the BS is told to take the high road after being run over by a Mack truck. Not only does the BS get handed a steamy sht sandwich, some expect them to smile while eating it.

 

I yelled, screamed, and called my wife names. I lost my cool more times than I can remember. I don't apologize for it. It is a natural, and expected, response. If she had a problem with, then she should've thought about that before screwing her co-worker. If she had a problem with it, then she should've kept her dirty secret to herself. If she had a problem with it, then she could've moved out and filed for divorce. To my wife's credit, she faced the storm of my anger because she knew that she alone created the storm.

 

If TH's wife can't take the heat, then she should move out. She can stay at an extended-stay motel on the cheap for a few weeks.

 

TH has now entered in the Anger phase of his grief/trauma. It's a very dark place for many BHs.

 

BandS has just put to ball out of the park. This is reality...

 

DS, understand that you feel this way. But you should understand that almost every BH in the world disagrees with you, including your husband.

 

I don't know where you two are at right now, but if you shut him down while he was "verbally abusing" you, i can assure you that you are closer to divorce now or later than you know.

 

Without a man being able to express his rage, with out physical abuse, their is really no way for them to cope. They have to be able to yell and scream about their feelings to the person that betrayed them. And you would be you and Ruined.

 

I know that it is hurtful, i have been on both sides of this so i have taken it as well as given it.

 

This is one of the things that WW's don't get sometimes. I guess that they are too proud to accept the pain comming out of their husbands mouth that they caused. To entitled to feel some of the abuse, if you want to call it that, that they have heapped on their husbands by having an affair.

 

If they really feel this way, they should leave that marrige and give all of the marital assets to the husband in order to prove their remorse and asuage some of their husbands pain. Again, pain that they did nothing to cause.