Trying to understand wife's [past] affair

[OneLov]

My depression start to show some when my nephew who we took in at age 9 was taken away without notice by my parents..I was devastated...but it got worse when she keep pushing me away and I felt alone..like my friend and partner was gone..I tried to get out of it by starting these Spartan races for the two of us to have some time to bond and work together as we raced. I didn't know she was just going to us it to end up finding her AP while working there. He was an employee and we volunteered to help so we did pay the race fees.

 

Once they had there first meeting in her van she came home and I could see the change and knew something had happened..as the months went by she became worse and worse with her treatment. I tried and tried to rekindle things but she just keep pushing me away..I sunk into further depression..the worse she became the most I feel into the depression and tried to pull myself out by trying harder to win her back...but she proved I failed time and time again..

 

I hired a divorce attorney because I suspected everything and caught onto things she was doing. They sent a PI out and began tracking emails and suck..in mid January they called me in and spilled the beans on her..I read emails and saw photos..they explained the video of them solo and then the videos of the two having sex..I confronted her in March to see if she would tell the truth and she lied again and even made it out that I was crazy..which she had said before when I hinted to her cheating..

 

I was just being crazy and she would never do that because she loved me more than anything and no guys ever hit on her..how ever sex had gotten better and by better I mean we atleast had a lot more..our sex was lame as she didn't want to spice any part of it..when I got more information I contacted the attorney and was planning to hit her with it on May 18th which was the day she started her affair...but I kissed it and my depression kicked in hard again and I just lived with it..he dumped her on sept 23rd and in the mist of them emailing..she sent him an email and it came back undeliverable..she says she was actually glad..but yet she did nothing but go back to how she was with me..

 

So again I planned to file and give her the papers on Christmas as my last gift to her privately..but then I saw the Facebook message for her AP's wife and contacted her..and well the rest is history and here we are now..

 

TH,

 

I'm a bit confused on the timelines. You recently wrote that you found irrefutable evidence of her affair in mid-January, was that January of 2016? You confronted her in March of 2016, and she gaslighted you until Oct. 26, 2016? If so, I think I have a better idea of your intense anger.

 

I understand the magnitude of this betrayal more. There's a lot of anger not only at her but perhaps some directed inward. That's normal. Do not feel ashamed for wanting to believe the unfortunate reality of this situation. There's nothing you wrong with you. I think that can be something you discuss in IC. In time, I believe you will understand you need to forgive yourself.

 

Ruined,

 

I really think you need to be absolutely honest with TH. Even if the truth would be devasting. I'm not judging you or criticizing you but it's hard to believe all of this was the result of a 17-month brain fart. The gaslighting makes it very difficult for TH to believe you are really "all in." If my SO had an affair that lasted 17 months and was gaslighting me for months, then when caught, professed an undying love for me, I would feel like that person was insulting my intelligence. In that case, I can understand the boiling anger and the inability to move forward with the relationship and/or ever feeling safe in it.

 

Again, there is no excuse for further emotional or verbal abuse. But if really want to help TH move forward in healing, you really need to take inventory. You need to disclose the good, the bad, and the downright ugly whether or not those feelings are objectively perceived as being valid.

 

The truth will set you free.

[Texashunter]

TH,

 

I'm a bit confused on the timelines. You recently wrote that you found irrefutable evidence of her affair in mid-January, was that January of 2016? You confronted her in March of 2016, and she gaslighted you until Oct. 26, 2016? If so, I think I have a better idea of your intense anger.

 

I understand the magnitude of this betrayal more. There's a lot of anger not only at her but perhaps some directed inward. That's normal. Do not feel ashamed for wanting to believe the unfortunate reality of this situation. There's nothing you wrong with you. I think that can be something you discuss in IC. In time, I believe you will understand you need to forgive yourself..

 

Yes, I had had my fill of her disconnect and abuse so I hired an attorney to file for divorce. I mentioned I felt she was having an affair but couldn't get the evidence. They hired a PI to get her information. This started towards the end of December. They called my in to go over thing in January..in march I confronted her and she denied everything..I believe I was in shock for months because I couldn't believe she would just keep lying about it..

 

I am mad at myself for not being more forward but I was told not to inform her that I had documents,pics, videos and such..I wish I would have just slammed her with it. It would have been over then or I would have been divorced.

[beatcuff]

I have no idea who she is anymore..I don't see my wife..I see an imposter..don't think I'm at that point where I can see her as anything yet..all I see is blackness, cold and calculated..

you are having difficulty reconciling your PERCEPTION of her v what she is. frankly you will not accept this. i didn't when my W wanted a separation. i 'wasted' my initial energy on why what when who how where... later it became clear my real challenge to moving forward IN ANY DIRECTION was realizing what i thought she was, was not reality.

 

a couple of other thoughts: knock off the abusive name calling. you may not say it in front of the children but they are aware of it. more importantly if you D and especially if you live in a blue state the judge will eviscerate you (a/k/a limited supervised children visits).

 

i must of missed this --- all this hate, all this rage --- why get her pregnant. seriously what were YOU thinking?

[Texashunter]

I'm not worried at all..I live in Texas and with all the emails, pics, the sex videos and such my attorney has plus being in a very conservative county she doesn't have a leg to stand on. Here in Texas flying to another state for an affair is from what my attorney said is considered child abandonment..me calling her some name doesn't bother me at all..

[Just a Guy]

Hi Texas, after having read the back and forth discussion of your case it seems to me that you would be well served if you had a legal separation from your wife for a while. It will help you heal better if she is not there in front of your eyes to remind you constantly just by her presence that she cheated on you in the most horrible way. Just think about it. I think this anger and rage which you feel, although justified, is not doing you any good. Once your anger has subsided substantially you can move back in with her if that is what you want. Warm wishes.

[Cephalopod]

I begged like a dog for sex or any kind of affection of the sort..I had a woman who was beautiful chasing me and even know of the affair I said no! So feeling not desired by me?? Well that would be a load of horse crap..I only desired her and tried to show her I did and then some...she was not lacking from me trying and showing..she just didn't want it from me..

 

I am more than willing to take any blame had I done something truly to make her feel this way..but holy crap I did everything I could possibly do to prove to her my love and desire for her...only now has she admitted that she does see how much I tried NOW..I would have given anything to this woman..I gave her my life and everything about me..

 

I didn't want to live the life my parents had with cheating and not loving each other..I wanted to show that I could and would be 100% commuted to her and do everything in my power to do so..but to be honest..there was never going to be enough for her..no matter what I did..I failed no matter what in her eyes..I didn't love enough, care enough or do enough to please her..

 

When I read your account of what happened in the relationship, and then I read your WW's account...it is literally like I am reading posts from two people married to two other people. It is like you and your WW have not even been in the same marriage.

 

This goes way beyond differing points of view. There is a complete and total marital disconnect here. OR one of you is either a blatant liar or is pathologically living ion a fantasy world.

 

But let's not forget the part he should be happy about.....the OM was actually a blessing in disguise, bc he awakened her sexually, and now she wants to do the things with her H that she did with her OM....things she'd still be doing with the OM if she had her way 7 months ago and he didn't dump her.

 

This is why I would not R with her if she had been my WW. My exWW did the same kind of withholding to me...and that's one of the main reasons she is no longer my wife. I couldn't get over that knowledge, and I don't think TH will be able to digest this either.

 

I think this will be his deal-breaker.

Edited May 18, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Merge

[Cephalopod]

I have been doing that the last month now..I found a cool

Little bar with a older military crowd whom I talk with and enjoy drinks with..I am going out and meeting people for the first time on my own in 12 yrs since I've been married..I had no friends or outside life really because my wife at the time was my best friend and all I needed..I was happy even when times were rough because she was mine and I was hers..that's all I ever needed to keep me going..but I've lost that..it's gone and I can never have that again..I'm lost and have been lost since I lost her years ago because she shut me out of her life that way..I am doing the best I can with the current situation..and some days are worse then others..but the next 3 months will be my living hell now that everything is out..I have to live the story I now fully know..it's crushing..but I know I will survive just not the way I wish I could..

 

Can I be blunt? You need to get a life my man. I think you answered much of your questions as to why she shut you out right there.

 

Women don't like to be responsible for the emotional well-being of their husbands. The husband is there to be the woman's emotional support, not the other way around. It's a double standard and a one-way deal, and its not fair but it is what it is. Your WW probably got tired of being your only support. And if you had tendencies towards depression then it made it all that much worse.

 

It is good that you are making friends, but doing it at a bar may not be the healthiest approach, given that it could result in you abusing alcohol. I'm not saying don't go, but just make sure you do it within reason.

 

Here is what I recommend you need to do to start feeling better about yourself and feeling better physically. These are things I did to help me get over my exWW's betrayal, and they do work:

 

Exercise daily and lift weights daily. Join a gym and hit it for a good hour a day every other day at first and then work your way up to two hours every other day. Work your large muscle groups first and follow with the secondary muscles to finish off. Squats, bench press, leg curls...working those big muscle groups will produce testosterone, which in turn will give you an energy boost and lift your spirits. Lifting weights is probably the best way to blow off all that built-up stress and anger you are feeling, except you will be channeling it in a productive manner.

 

Between days that you go to the gym, get out and walk or jog. Slowly and for only a mile or so at first, then increase it as you build up your wind. Once you get your legs and lungs broken in, do a few 40 yard wind sprints at the end of your walk/jog. You will lose weight and get a lot of energy.

 

Get your testosterone checked. Get a full blood screen for everything. If your T levels are low, that is one reason you may be depressed. Low T levels are the culprit in many a male's health problems. So get it checked out and get on T therapy if your doctor prescribes it.

 

Eat right. Sounds to me, by the way your wife talks about the OM, you have let yourself go a bit. Poor diet is often the cause. Cut out the sugars and carbs and center on protein and vegetables. Just cutting out sugar was a huge help to me. That solved probably half of my health problems.

 

Get a hobby, one that you can really sink your teeth into and feel passionate about. You need a passion in your life other than your wife and kids. Music, motorcycles, collecting...things that get you out and interacting with other people. If you dig hunting, then join a local sportsmen's club, or maybe start volunteering doing environmental/conservation work...helping establish bird sanctuaries, building watering stations, planting trees... There are so many things that you as a hunter and outdoorsman could do to promote conservation and hunting, and it would be a great way to meet people and make friends.

 

Just some ideas....

[Texashunter]

When I read your account of what happened in the relationship, and then I read your WW's account...it is literally like I am reading posts from two people married to two other people. It is like you and your WW have not even been in the same marriage.

 

This goes way beyond differing points of view. There is a complete and total marital disconnect here. OR one of you is either a blatant liar or is pathologically living ion a fantasy world.

 

 

 

This is why I would not R with her if she had been my WW. My exWW did the same kind of withholding to me...and that's one of the main reasons she is no longer my wife. I couldn't get over that knowledge, and I don't think TH will be able to digest this either.

 

I think this will be his deal-breaker.

 

I have said the same thing..I felt more like a dang roommate/babysitter then a husband..she was so detached from everything about our marriage and any problem that came up was going to magically solved given enough time..which we all know it never does if only one person is working for it and really wants it..

[Cephalopod]

I have said the same thing..I felt more like a dang roommate/babysitter then a husband..she was so detached from everything about our marriage and any problem that came up was going to magically solved given enough time..which we all know it never does if only one person is working for it and really wants it..

 

You know her better than anyone. Only you can determine if she is truly wanting to save the marriage for the right reasons. The ONLY reason she should want to save it is to be with you.

 

This cannot be about staying together just for the kids. Staying together in a loveless marriage, where you hate her guts and treat her like a houseplant, will do more damage to them than divorcing will.

 

If what you say is true, and she disconnected from you two years ago, you and her have already done damage to your children just from having a loveless existence.

[deadsoul]

Ugh. I was bowing out of this thread... and I really just need to. Here's the thing: my self-esteem was so low that I felt I DESERVED to be called all those things. Having an A was abuse too, as another poster said. I do not feel so entitled that I should not get that abuse.

 

You guys aren't hearing me: Betrayed spouses have every right to be angry, yell, and express their feelings. You guys have the right to think those words that won't be named here or I'll get in trouble.

 

Betrayeds will feel that way for a long time. That's how it goes. There are so many consequences we as waywards have to just take. That's part of it. But that does not make it okay to call us horrible names. Even if that's what you're thinking.

 

And absolutely, you, OP (or any other betrayed) did NOT deserve to be cheated on and I'm not sure how me saying that being verbally abusive was not okay indicated that.

 

Being angry, mad, emotional = okay.

Calling derogatory names = not okay.

 

You can express all of those feelings without calling someone names. And from reading TH's posts, calling her names has not helped him any. He's still angry. He's still pissed off.

 

I think we have to agree to disagree on this. I will say this, both of my counselors said that calling each other names was not okay and not conducive to R. So if you want to tell me they are full of crap, fine.

 

I won't take it. I'm finally learning to love myself and I will not take being called those things. Was I those things in the affair? Absolutely. But that's not who I am now. I acted like a W word (except I didn't get paid). But I am not one. There's a difference. And yes. Semantics matter.

 

Especially if you are trying to rebuild a relationship based on trust and honesty.

 

I want to R more than anything. But I will not be his verbal punching bag, nor has he done that. He's been plenty mad, angry and hurt. He will be for a long time. I have dealt with so many consequences from this and I will deal with many more because that's how it will go.

 

Okay, officially signing out of this thread now for good.

 

OP, I hope you learn to manage your anger. You seem to feel it's okay to say those things to your W and I can't change that. You have a right to be angry and mad and you will be for a long time. But your children are watching and listening and you may think they don't know, but they do. Good luck and I hope it all works out for you in a way you can all be happy.

 

BandS has just put to ball out of the park. This is reality...

 

DS, understand that you feel this way. But you should understand that almost every BH in the world disagrees with you, including your husband.

 

I don't know where you two are at right now, but if you shut him down while he was "verbally abusing" you, i can assure you that you are closer to divorce now or later than you know.

 

Without a man being able to express his rage, with out physical abuse, their is really no way for them to cope. They have to be able to yell and scream about their feelings to the person that betrayed them. And you would be you and Ruined.

 

I know that it is hurtful, i have been on both sides of this so i have taken it as well as given it.

 

This is one of the things that WW's don't get sometimes. I guess that they are too proud to accept the pain comming out of their husbands mouth that they caused. To entitled to feel some of the abuse, if you want to call it that, that they have heapped on their husbands by having an affair.

 

If they really feel this way, they should leave that marrige and give all of the marital assets to the husband in order to prove their remorse and asuage some of their husbands pain. Again, pain that they did nothing to cause.

[Texashunter]

I don't even know where to start with this one..but one thing I do know is I can never give sympathy to a WW...they gave none to me..they go out and have their fun and expect us to accept their actions and show them sympathy..ill leave that there..because all it will do is cause me to blow up...next please

Edited May 18, 2017 by Texashunter

[GoldenR]

Betrayeds will feel that way for a long time. That's how it goes. There are so many consequences we as waywards have to just take. That's part of it. But that does not make it okay to call us horrible names. Even if that's what you're thinking.

 

And absolutely, you, OP (or any other betrayed) did NOT deserve to be cheated on and I'm not sure how me saying that being verbally abusive was not okay indicated that.

 

Being angry, mad, emotional = okay.

Calling derogatory names = not okay.

 

You can express all of those feelings without calling someone names. And from reading TH's posts, calling her names has not helped him any. He's still angry. He's still pissed off.

 

So let me ask you this, deadsoul, what's worse, having an A or calling someone derogatory names?

[alsudduth]

So let me ask you this, deadsoul, what's worse, having an A or calling someone derogatory names?

 

Obviously having an affair is worse, no one is saying it isn't....what some of us are saying, is that it does not give the green light for the BS to begin abusing their spouse...If they are that unhappy leave...just like they say they wished their WS would have done if they were so unhappy.

 

No one is saying that TH shouldn't be upset, or that he isn't entitled to be angry. But if he can't keep the verbal abuse under control, then one or the other needs to remove themselves from the situation until he can. It's great that TH can for the time being keep it in around the children...but that is not a guarantee forever based on how angry he is.

 

My opinion on this is that they should divorce or at the very least separate and learn to co parent, I don't see TH being able to forgive his WW....and that's OKAY, no one is saying he should if he can't....we are saying don't spend the energy on something that isn't helping the situation.

[DKT3]

So let me ask you this, deadsoul, what's worse, having an A or calling someone derogatory names?

 

That's just it, a commonality in more waywards, is this sense Thier feelings being more important. Yes I cheated, I disrespected​ you, didn't value you, but how dare you call me names​that reflect my behavior, I won't stand for it, now sit and have another serving of this crap sandwich.

 

As I said I thought tons of nasty things, not saying is semantics, unless of course my wife not hearing them is more important than the fact she created an environment where I felt them.

[Heathen]

Picture a man being shot 72 times. (The disrespect)

 

Then picture her setting off a bomb in his heart (The affair).

 

And the coup de grace, a mortar thru his head, when he actually watched her have sex with another man...and enjoyed it... and was "sexually freed" by it.

 

Thru the pain he reaches out, in defense, and stabs the person whose shot him, blew up his heart and fired a rocket in his head.

 

And people look at him, bloody, with holes all thru his body and say "oh my god, you are a abuser!!!!!

 

I wonder if most of you had watched a video like that, what names would you have called your WS? None? Really? What awesome control!!!

 

Identical story. Been there, done that, had the t-shirt and then i burned it.

 

Honestly, based on his words, and the reaction to the recent barrage, the anger phase may be receding and the WS may soon hear something more painful then words.

 

Silence.

[GoldenR]

Obviously having an affair is worse, no one is saying it isn't....what some of us are saying, is that it does not give the green light for the BS to begin abusing their spouse...If they are that unhappy leave...just like they say they wished their WS would have done if they were so unhappy.

 

No one is saying that TH shouldn't be upset, or that he isn't entitled to be angry. But if he can't keep the verbal abuse under control, then one or the other needs to remove themselves from the situation until he can. It's great that TH can for the time being keep it in around the children...but that is not a guarantee forever based on how angry he is.

 

My opinion on this is that they should divorce or at the very least separate and learn to co parent, I don't see TH being able to forgive his WW....and that's OKAY, no one is saying he should if he can't....we are saying don't spend the energy on something that isn't helping the situation.

 

 

This is the line of thinking that I'll never understand...that the BS needs to behave and control their emotions and not be mean to their WS. That the BS just needs to forget and get over the WS's affair if they are trying to R. Forget the fact that the WS spent months/years disrespecting the WS, flipping bird after bird to the BS, over and over and over again. And with all this in mind, the BS has to control their anger or they're being abusive.

 

Sorry...that's just not reality. The A was/is abusive first. You choose to have an A and then to R, then you deal with the repercussions. Or leave.

[alsudduth]

This is the line of thinking that I'll never understand...that the BS needs to behave and control their emotions and not be mean to their WS. That the BS just needs to forget and get over the WS's affair if they are trying to R. Forget the fact that the WS spent months/years disrespecting the WS, flipping bird after bird to the BS, over and over and over again. And with all this in mind, the BS has to control their anger or they're being abusive.

 

Sorry...that's just not reality. The A was/is abusive first. You choose to have an A and then to R, then you deal with the repercussions. Or leave.

 

You are misinterpreting my line of thinking(I don't know about anyone else, but I can speak for me).........none of these things do I say as a way to protect the WS, I say them as a way to protect the children, and the BS.

 

I have never said that TH should just get over it and forget it, even if they are trying to R.

 

The fact is that in the eyes of a court, they would find the behavior abusive. Regardless of what she did to him. Just because someone murders my brother, doesn't mean I have the right to kick the **** of the murderer.....I would go to jail regardless of whether everyone sympathized with me and thought it was deserved.....being abused does not give someone a pass to turn around and be abusive.

 

Perhaps in TH's case, his wife is fine with this behavior - but she's known to be sneaky, who knows - what if she is recording it all as a way to give him one more kick while he's down....we don't know.

 

TH says his main focus is making sure his kids are cared for BY HIM. In that case I would strongly encourage him to fly straight as hard as it is so that if it comes to that she has ZERO against him.

 

And in the case that he DOES choose to try and R with his WW, well then that behavior is not healthy or aiding a reconciliation, in which case he is not ready to reconcile and they should instead focus on learning to co-parent.

[Cephalopod]

I'm not one of those who usually advocates separation, mainly because in most cases a couple need to be together to work the problem. But I think I have to agree that in TH's case it might be a good idea for his wife to go and stay somewhere for a while, maybe a couple of months, to allow TH some space to process his anger and to be somewhat free of the triggers that she is causing him to suffer.

 

or maybe he leaves for a while....if she is the primary caregiver. As it stands now the environment is toxic, and I do agree that it is damaging the children. His flying off the handle, while I have no problem with in and of itself, is eroding his children's sense of safety and security. The yelling and name calling may be happening behind closed doors, but children are perceptive and they can feel the negative vibes emanating from TH towards their mom.

 

One of them needs to be the adult and do something...for the kids' sakes.

[mercy]

I am getting a better understanding of the rage, reading the previous couple of posts. Much better understanding reading, Heathen. His post really spoke to me.

 

 

 

Texashunter is your intent to intimidate or express your pain?

 

I imagined myself pregnant and my h screaming at me. He can be very intimidating, not to me, but his line of work calls for it. He has always been kind to me so I wondered how it would feel. You Texashunter, can be very intimidating too.

 

So, are you trying to cut her with your words or are you releasing your rage.

 

And by the way silence cuts like a knife. Wouldn't want that at all.

 

It just goes to show how different men and women really are.

 

And oh by the way. There are only words to call women, none to call men, just saying.

[GoldenR]

TH lives in an at fault state that severely holds As against the WS in cases of D. I don't think he needs to worry too much.

[Unforseen]

This is the line of thinking that I'll never understand...that the BS needs to behave and control their emotions and not be mean to their WS. That the BS just needs to forget and get over the WS's affair if they are trying to R. Forget the fact that the WS spent months/years disrespecting the WS, flipping bird after bird to the BS, over and over and over again. And with all this in mind, the BS has to control their anger or they're being abusive.

 

Sorry...that's just not reality. The A was/is abusive first. You choose to have an A and then to R, then you deal with the repercussions. Or leave.

 

 

Yes, the WS did an awful thing. As a result the BS will have a tremendous amount of anger. And finally, yes, it is about the most unfair thing that anyone can ask of themselves: To show compassion for the one that did the most harm. There is nothing fair about it. There is no easy way to get over it. And yet by offering the gift of R a person is signing up to accept that it is not fair and will never be fair and the WS does not deserve this gift and will NEVER be able to make up for it or pay for it. But that is why it is a gift. Because there is no payment expected. Only a hope that the WS will accept and live out their days in gratitude doing their honest best to be the best Spouse they can be from there on our.

 

The abuse and name calling destroys that gift. It is no longer a gift. it becomes a burden and an affliction to the one it was offered to. If a BS cannot freely offer that as a gift without the strings of verbal, emotional, physical abuse attached or with only a heart to cause harm and pain because they were hurt then perhaps it would be better to take that gift back or never offer it at all. Perhaps that is why making a quick decision for R is not typically a good idea. It takes time to get to that point where forgiveness is even a distant possibility.

 

Mistakes will happen. Words will be spoken in anger and hurtful things will be said but they will be mistakes and with lessening frequency rather than something that the WS is due.

 

Like most things posted on this forum. This is not any kind of end all wisdom. It is only my view. I have seen my WW blossom and flourish as my compassion and love has helped inspire her to be the respectful and caring woman that I truly know her to be.

 

No it hasn't been easy. Yes the feeling of unfairness burns through my soul at times. But as we grow together and heal the breach that she caused the pain slowly lessens and, well hell, no one ever said life would be fair.

[Texashunter]

I think the silence is the best idea now..my yelling and scream has grown exhausting to me and does nothing for me..best thing is just to close my mouth , pull back into myself and move on leaving her with no acknowledgement..really to just treat her the way she treated me. It won't hurt her because she was more than fine with it all this time doing it to me. How does one effect someone who has no heart..you can't..so it's just better one to just stop trying to understand her..I can't understand people who don't even understand themselves..it's a lost cause..

[GoldenR]

That sounds like a good plan, TH. It may actually help you keep your peace of mind.

Edited May 19, 2017 by GoldenR

[Texashunter]

That sounds like a good plan, TH. It may actually help you keep your peace of mind.

 

I hope so..I've run out of other options..nothing else seems to work for me..I'll give it a shot and see how I feel.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

At the risk of further threadjacking, I do think my response can be helpful to TH and to others.

 

Also with all your yelling and such, did it really help past keeping things tense?

 

I see where you're coming from, but in reality it was the complete opposite for me. My yelling/screaming etc was necessary for me to heal. It was part of the process. Without it, I would not have made it.

 

Think of it like this: A BH is like a hot water heater. The affair is a bonfire lit underneath it. A hot water heater has a release valve to prevent the water heater from overheating and blowing up - shooting up through the roof. Some might see the yelling/screaming as the big blow up. It's not, it's the release valve. I didn't call her any derogatory names even though I was thinking it. I did talk about her affair in explicit terms; no sugar-coating the sexual aspects of it. Was this helpful for her? No; but in context of her affair and years of lying by omission, I didn't care.

 

Once I moved past the Anger phase I was able to dial back the release valve. However, about every few months the pressure would build back up and I would have to open up the release valve full-throttle. My wife called this release as "emotionally throwing up" on her. It was ugly, but necessary for R to continue forward. She realized this. I also viewed this as her penitence. She probably thought the same thing.

 

A WW has no idea what they have done to their man when they cheat. They understand to a certain extent, but not even close to grasping the depth of pain and humiliation. Emasculating a man is about the worst you can ever do; and it's by the one person that is suppose to love and protect him. It's emasculation plus betrayal that's the 1-2 punch. The anger and rage is something that can't be fully described. Only those who have experienced it can fully understand. Same goes for the depression that follows.

 

If your wife had filed for divorce, and brought you into court would things have gone well for you? You two stayed together, and thank god, because if she had filed, I do not think the court would have been "nice" to you. It does suck in today's legal system where a spouse can cheat, and that has no baring, but any yelling and abuse is given extra wight. especially by the man. Not fair, but it is so.

 

Knowing how much mudslinging that goes on between spouses during a divorce, I'm sure the judge would've taken any statement from her with a grain of salt. Plus, there was no record of any "abuse". I know of women who called 911 on their STBxH just to get something on public record to use in court. Even if they drop the charges, it's still on public record for the court to see.