Trying to understand wife's [past] affair

[alsudduth]

I think the silence is the best idea now..my yelling and scream has grown exhausting to me and does nothing for me..best thing is just to close my mouth , pull back into myself and move on leaving her with no acknowledgement..really to just treat her the way she treated me. It won't hurt her because she was more than fine with it all this time doing it to me. How does one effect someone who has no heart..you can't..so it's just better one to just stop trying to understand her..I can't understand people who don't even understand themselves..it's a lost cause..

 

I hope you find an outlet that both heals you and puts you at peace, TH.

[frigginlost]

Ugh. I was bowing out of this thread... and I really just need to. Here's the thing: my self-esteem was so low that I felt I DESERVED to be called all those things. Having an A was abuse too, as another poster said. I do not feel so entitled that I should not get that abuse.

 

You guys aren't hearing me: Betrayed spouses have every right to be angry, yell, and express their feelings. You guys have the right to think those words that won't be named here or I'll get in trouble.

 

Betrayeds will feel that way for a long time. That's how it goes. There are so many consequences we as waywards have to just take. That's part of it. But that does not make it okay to call us horrible names. Even if that's what you're thinking.

 

And absolutely, you, OP (or any other betrayed) did NOT deserve to be cheated on and I'm not sure how me saying that being verbally abusive was not okay indicated that.

 

Being angry, mad, emotional = okay.

Calling derogatory names = not okay.

 

You can express all of those feelings without calling someone names. And from reading TH's posts, calling her names has not helped him any. He's still angry. He's still pissed off.

 

I think we have to agree to disagree on this. I will say this, both of my counselors said that calling each other names was not okay and not conducive to R. So if you want to tell me they are full of crap, fine.

 

I won't take it. I'm finally learning to love myself and I will not take being called those things. Was I those things in the affair? Absolutely. But that's not who I am now. I acted like a W word (except I didn't get paid). But I am not one. There's a difference. And yes. Semantics matter.

 

Especially if you are trying to rebuild a relationship based on trust and honesty.

 

I want to R more than anything. But I will not be his verbal punching bag, nor has he done that. He's been plenty mad, angry and hurt. He will be for a long time. I have dealt with so many consequences from this and I will deal with many more because that's how it will go.

 

Okay, officially signing out of this thread now for good.

 

OP, I hope you learn to manage your anger. You seem to feel it's okay to say those things to your W and I can't change that. You have a right to be angry and mad and you will be for a long time. But your children are watching and listening and you may think they don't know, but they do. Good luck and I hope it all works out for you in a way you can all be happy.

 

Those single two lines right there scream to me that you do not deserve R. Sorry. If my cheating partner flashed that attitude at me while I was working through the pain *she* caused me, I'd be gone so quick she would not know what hit her.

 

That same arrogance is what a person cheated on is worried about seeing from a WW.

 

While I do agree that in time the name calling should start to taper off, having a black and white attitude regarding it such as you have is dangerous.

Edited May 19, 2017 by frigginlost

[Cephalopod]

I think the silence is the best idea now..my yelling and scream has grown exhausting to me and does nothing for me..best thing is just to close my mouth , pull back into myself and move on leaving her with no acknowledgement..really to just treat her the way she treated me. It won't hurt her because she was more than fine with it all this time doing it to me. How does one effect someone who has no heart..you can't..so it's just better one to just stop trying to understand her..I can't understand people who don't even understand themselves..it's a lost cause..

 

This is okay for the short term, but it won't last. She won't like you freezing her out and she'll eventually confront you, and then the fighting will start all over again.

 

It is hard for us to reconcile the things your WW has written to us when we weigh it against what you told us about her shutting you out and checking out of the marriage.

 

I'm beginning to think that what she had was maybe an exit affair. I don't think she loved or planned to stay with the OM, but I do think, based on her own words, that she was thinking of leaving you. When it all blew up, the foggy glasses came off and she saw her future as a single mom... divorcee... with a reputation for cheating...and that future was no longer alluring to her. She saw she was going to lose her meal ticket, and now she wants to resurrect the marriage she destroyed.

 

I think that's the core of your anger towards her: her words now don't reconcile with her actions then, and that is making you boil over.

 

I don't see where this is savable. I think you need to divorce her... for her sake and yours. She can't be damned to a future with a husband who despises her, regardless of the crappy things she has done. She needs to make her own way, fix what is broken in herself and hopefully she won't do this to the next poor hapless sap she marries.

[Texashunter]

I'm starting to believe this is the case..it makes it even harder with another child coming..and that's my fault for letting it happen..I fooled myself about everything including who she is.

[Cephalopod]

I'm starting to believe this is the case..it makes it even harder with another child coming..and that's my fault for letting it happen..I fooled myself about everything including who she is.

 

I don't think your wife is an evil or rotten person. I think she's a person who really has never known what she wants out of life. She probably thought she wanted a husband and kids, but after ten years, that got boring and predictable.

 

Some people are just like that. They get bored with things very quickly, even when those things are good and they have nothing much to complain about. Losing your foster child had to have been heartbreaking, but that wasn't a result of anything wrong with your marriage. It was a misfortune...the kind of misfortune that tests people and tests marriages. You reacted by slipping into a depression that probably became clinical...it happens, and it is understandable. Your wife reacted by checking out and deciding the heat was too great for her.

 

Marriage requires two people who are emotionally capable of carrying each other through the hard times. Your wife has shown she's not able to do that. Say another tragedy happens? What if with the stress of this whole affair situations causes her to miscarry? Or say down the road, you two reconcile, and something else bad happens? A parent dies or one of your children gets hurt or seriously sick...what will she do then? How will she cope? She has already demonstrated that her coping skills aren't worth a hoot, and neither are yours for that matter...

 

I think the two of you need to separate and get intensive counseling...years of it. You both need a lot of work before either of you can be good for anyone.

[harrybrown]

Texashunter-

 

she only stopped because her first choice became unavailable.

 

You are her current backup plan, until the next one comes along.

 

She will cheat again. They all say that they won't, but they do, they just get better at hiding it.

 

Go back to your attorney and file. It will hurt too much when she cheats again. Do not put yourself in more pain. End it and find someone that will not cheat on her husband and her kids.

 

That is a special kind of selfishness. The cheaters are addicts and they need their fix. They can not beat the addiction.

 

some of the supposed remorseful stop the A, because they are dumped by the affair partner. They would still be in the A if they were not dumped.

 

Do not believe the words. They lied and betrayed in the past. they continue to lie. there are several examples in the pages of loveshack.

 

They ended the A because they got dumped. Now they want their spouse.

 

does not matter which sex is the cheater. yes, some have low self -esteem.

But they did not end the A. they were dumped and if that did not happen, they would still be with the one they wanted. (and it does not make sense, because they have a good spouse, not perfect, but good) and the trade for someone that would cheat on them if they married their AP.

 

 

So end your pain, and avoid further future pain. File for D.

[BluesPower]

I am not sure on the divorce yet...

 

Maybe, maybe not and coming from me that is kind of saying something.

 

TH, you may never believe it, but the things she wrote from the last few posts really does make me think she might love you.

 

I am not saying that she does not have a ton of work to do, and I mean a huge amount. She might be able to get the job done or she may give up at some point, and who really knows.

 

You see, my Ex W had two affairs that I know about and that was bad enough. But being young and stupid at the time, I forgave her. She was never remorseful in any way and she never was.

 

But, the worst thing that she ever did was hide her drug addiction from me for 20 years. That was even worse. And guess what she was not remorseful about that even still today.

 

But what it really was, was the fact that she never loved me the proper way. Never. She is just not capable. That was the end, over, final last insult to me.

 

And just like a lot of men here, I loved her with all my heart. And you know she still wants the marriage back, because she has seen the stream of wonderful, beautiful women that I have been with the last year of so when I could be open.

 

That is when she started to freak out and want me again. Not when I stood by her side when she was "Sick", not when I stood by her side when she was caught in her affairs and the whole church shunned her, not when her mom and dad died, not because I raised 3 wonderful children alone because of her drug use, not the face that I am better than average in the sack and she never went without attention or sex.... No none of that made her want to really be with me. When she realize how many other women wanted me and got to have me, yeah that made her want me back...

 

But I really am starting to feel like your wife may love you and want to make it right.

 

If you can get through it, you really may have the makings of a great marriage once you get to a better place...

 

Who knows...

[ruined_my_love]

I do love him and I do want our marriage to work....but I think that between last night and today, things have just gotten too ugly. He is packing my clothes up as we speak....the most horrific things have come out of him. I don't wish this upon anyone, cheater or not. And you can say that I am weak, that I should take it, that I deserve it - and you are correct. But I don't know how any person could come back from what he has said to me. In a rage, I understand, and I still believe that he could not be so full of rage if he didn't still love me...but still.

I can't keep being the cause of his anger and hurt. I wanted to be the cure, but he will not allow that. I pray that some time apart may help....I guess we will see. I don't want to leave my boys....I don't want to leave my husband now, but I can't stay like this. Please pray for us, or whatever it is you do. Thank you all for your advice and opinions.

[Cephalopod]

I do love him and I do want our marriage to work....but I think that between last night and today, things have just gotten too ugly. He is packing my clothes up as we speak....the most horrific things have come out of him. I don't wish this upon anyone, cheater or not. And you can say that I am weak, that I should take it, that I deserve it - and you are correct. But I don't know how any person could come back from what he has said to me. In a rage, I understand, and I still believe that he could not be so full of rage if he didn't still love me...but still.

I can't keep being the cause of his anger and hurt. I wanted to be the cure, but he will not allow that. I pray that some time apart may help....I guess we will see. I don't want to leave my boys....I don't want to leave my husband now, but I can't stay like this. Please pray for us, or whatever it is you do. Thank you all for your advice and opinions.

 

Good luck to you RML. I will definitely pray for you and TH. Get into some individual counseling and really work on yourself. Make sure you have a counselor who is holding you accountable and who makes you dig deep for answers. Somewhere along the line you lost your coping skills and you lost your sense of priorities. You can get those back, and become even stronger. Your kids need a mom who is fully engaged and who has integrity.

 

This time apart might be good for you and TH. It will give him time to process his anger and it will alleviate the toxic environment between the two of you. There is always hope. I have spent alot of time on other marriage sites and I have read threads from husbands like TH who were furious and full of rage towards their WWs, but when they had WWs who showed true remorse, empathy and a non-stop effort to make things right, those women were almost always able to win their husband's back. They were patient. persistent and they took their husbands' anger in stride.

 

Don't stop hoping, praying and working on yourself. The future will be what it will be. You cannot control it. Let go of the outcome and just work on being the best person you can be.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I do love him and I do want our marriage to work....but I think that between last night and today, things have just gotten too ugly. He is packing my clothes up as we speak....the most horrific things have come out of him. I don't wish this upon anyone, cheater or not. And you can say that I am weak, that I should take it, that I deserve it - and you are correct. But I don't know how any person could come back from what he has said to me. In a rage, I understand, and I still believe that he could not be so full of rage if he didn't still love me...but still.

I can't keep being the cause of his anger and hurt. I wanted to be the cure, but he will not allow that. I pray that some time apart may help....I guess we will see. I don't want to leave my boys....I don't want to leave my husband now, but I can't stay like this. Please pray for us, or whatever it is you do. Thank you all for your advice and opinions.

 

RML, you need your own thread first of all. You are on your husband's thread and getting a lot of comments from other BS who are mostly men. Other WS who are women are probably reluctant to post on it and WS who are men, other than Blues, I am not sure any are here at all.

 

You've gotten much feedback on your husband's pain and your marriage, so I will only speak to you personally. I am also a fWS, like Dead Soul, only I am further along so I am more objective.

 

First, no one has commented on this aspect - as a woman, I do not believe it is natural to want a guy you barely know to have sex videos of you. I see it as a huge sign that something was really wrong in your mind. It screams a lack of self worth and self respect to let some guy do that to you. So what was going on with you? 3 kids, you were the primary breadwinner for years, did you feel like you were drowning? Making sex tapes with a stranger is a cry for help.

 

Second, there is no way that you had no reaction to the OM suddenly ghosting you. Having someone disappear is devastating. You are in deep denial and probably brushed the whole thing under the rug to avoid feeling the pain. Plus of course your husband was trying to figure out the truth so you went into survival mode, and have yet to even begin dealing with the fall out from having an affair - and an affair which including allowing a guy to have sex videos of you. And I am not even talking about the fall out in your marriage - I'm referring to the HUGE lose of self that one feels after an affair, when you come face to face with who you are and what you did. Unless a WS is a sociopath, we all go through this and it can take years to pass.

 

So instead of dealing with those things, you got pregnant, the ultimate distraction for a woman I suppose, to supposedly make your husband happy and prove something to him. And now by your post, you are allowing yourself to be thrown out of your house - pregnant- and leaving your 3 sons.

 

I do agree you both need time apart but as woman to woman, WS to WS, mom to mom - it is time to stop hiding from yourself; be an adult. Stop with the poor me, please love me, I will grovel and do anything posts. Chin up. You did it. It's done. Time to stop running and hiding. You have a 4th child on the way now. You made some bad choices, as did I, now you must figure out WHY you did them or else you will do it all over again.

 

The typical woman does not have an affair in a happy marriage. It's written here time and time again. Men have affairs to add; women to replace. Now maybe you did not want this particular guy long term but there was something missing in your life for you to do this stuff. What was it? And do you really, actually want your marriage or are you just scared?

 

You must grow up now and be a Woman. You are not a little girl anymore. Here is the thing. Even if by some miracle your husband does not divorce you (and with all the guys here telling him to divorce you, good luck), what is the point if you do not figure out what is wrong and fix it? You will either have another affair or be miserable the rest of your life. Now of course most here and maybe your husband will say your reasons don't matter and so on, and of course there is no excuse for having an affair, they do matter if you want to have a decent marriage and both be happy in it.

 

You can read all about me from my posts but when my H wanted to rebuild, I asked him, why? I wanted to divorce because I had trashed the marriage and so on. He said that if I was so broken a person that I fell so low and did the things I did, of course part of it was my doing and my choices but as my husband, that meant that he had a hand in my emotional state as well and so he felt I deserved a second chance. He said if he was the best husband he could be and it happened again, then it was all on me. But the only way he knew the difference between who he was before the affair and what I wanted was because I told him. Men are not mind readers. And yes, you run the risk of them telling you to go pound sand, they are fine, they don't need to change, its all on you. But if you don't try, you will never know. And since you are being tossed out of your house anyway, what have you got to lose by being honest?

 

And as I said the next step will be your own self discovery, which is mandatory whether or not your marriage is to survive. I spent many a night deciding whether or not to kill myself out of self loathing and shame. A good year. But I didn't. Obviously. While I felt worthless, my husband loved me and my kids needed me. That was more important than my own self pity. So I had to work through it.

 

And so shall you.

[mercy]

. Please pray for us, or whatever it is you do. Thank you all for your advice and opinions.

 

I'm praying for you.

 

Please do as MidnightBlue1980 says and start your own thread. There are some really great women here that can help you but don't feel comfortable posting in this thread.

[Overtaxed]

When she realize how many other women wanted me and got to have me, yeah that made her want me back...

 

Like a punch in the gut, because it's so true. Stand by them all you want, be a good man all you want. End of the day, this is the only way to wake up many WW's. I have no idea why. But I wanted to quote it because, time and time again, I've seen it in my personal life and read about it on here and other sites.

 

This is why, TH, the 180 is so effective, especially with WW's. Showing weakness/empathy, even though it feels like the right thing to do, it's what we'd want them to do (women) if the situation were reversed, it's NOT the right way to proceed with the vast majority of women if you really want to win the relationship back. I could go into a 20 page discourse on why; however, I enjoy not being banned from LS.

[aliveagain]

[]Most men see their wives cheating as a direct assault on their masculinity and on the identify that took them a lifetime building and strived so hard to maintain. Men are notorious for not being able to let go and have a very hard time moving on from their spouses infidelity. We have a hard time stopping the recurring images of our wives with the other man. Unfortunately this causes us great pain keeping us in a constant state of anger resulting in our lashing out at our wives. This will end very badly whether we decide to stay or end our relationship.

 

For most men anger is an emotion they can trust and from early childhood it was our only weapon against feeling powerless against danger, trauma, shaming and pain. It is our default option to make dangerous people back away. ruined_my_love he still see's you as dangerous, you have not made him feel safe enough yet.

 

Texashunter, you need to find a safe place so you can process your emotions. One of you should leave for a while and you both should take the time apart to consider the seriousness of your situation. You should both talk to a lawyer so you understand your worst case scenario, sometimes knowing what it is and what you have to do to deal with it can give you some relief. Decide if reconciliation is on the table then commit yourselves equally. You can not do this alone, find the best professional help you can afford, someone experienced with infidelity. Get help or get out, you don't have to be with someone that doesn't want to be with you.

Edited May 20, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Comments on moderation redacted

[GoldenR]

I hope that today is a calmer day for the both of you. I've been keeping you guys in my prayers.

 

TH....I sent you a pm.

[Cephalopod]

TH I hope you are doing okay.

[GoldenR]

How're things going, TH?

[Texashunter]

Well I didn't throw her out like she said..but non the less she is still here with us. I could never throw her out while she is carrying my child..I'm not like her who is willing to hurt children to take care of her needs..I am still a man with principles not matter how out of hand I can get or angry..

 

I am trying to get a handle on myself again but I do keep slipping and letting my pain take control..may , June and July will be very bad months..tow of the first sexual encounter anniversary days have past..but June 26th would have been our 13 year anniversary..which I will not celebrate because during our anniversary she was also having fun with him..on the actual anniversary day..then July 31 would be the last annivery but the worst as it will be the one where she flew to Arizona, paid for the flight and hotel to have sex for the day. As well as made the 7 sex videos that she keep for her pleasure.

 

Today, well I'm just mad..been texting with her and I just can't stop myself..but I'm trying to just stop talking to her for the rest of the day..I've been sitting here trying to work but just start crying..no reason just crying..I just have this over welling of feeling just taken over..tried to take a nap but now playing some video games to try to take things off my mind...

[Cephalopod]

Well I didn't throw her out like she said..but non the less she is still here with us. I could never throw her out while she is carrying my child..I'm not like her who is willing to hurt children to take care of her needs..I am still a man with principles not matter how out of hand I can get or angry..

 

I am trying to get a handle on myself again but I do keep slipping and letting my pain take control..may , June and July will be very bad months..tow of the first sexual encounter anniversary days have past..but June 26th would have been our 13 year anniversary..which I will not celebrate because during our anniversary she was also having fun with him..on the actual anniversary day..then July 31 would be the last annivery but the worst as it will be the one where she flew to Arizona, paid for the flight and hotel to have sex for the day. As well as made the 7 sex videos that she keep for her pleasure.

 

Today, well I'm just mad..been texting with her and I just can't stop myself..but I'm trying to just stop talking to her for the rest of the day..I've been sitting here trying to work but just start crying..no reason just crying..I just have this over welling of feeling just taken over..tried to take a nap but now playing some video games to try to take things off my mind...

 

 

 

Is she in counseling? How is that coming along?

 

 

Try to get out of the house and do something physical to burn off some of that anxiety.

[Texashunter]

She is but only like once a month..not coming along at all..I've given up on all of it..talking with her is like talking with a wall..I could go on and on about her lack of effort..I'm just gonna live for me and let her ruin what's left of her life on her own since she started it in that manner..done trying to help her or hold her had..I can't help her and no one else can because she doesn't think it's really that big of a deal it seems..she's got better stuff to do..

[GoldenR]

Sorry to hear that, TH. Are her posts on here just the opposite of how she acts in real life?

[road]

Sorry to hear that, TH. Are her posts on here just the opposite of how she acts in real life?

 

Who is the WW and does she have her own threads?

[Texashunter]

I don't know anymore..I don't understand this person anymore..she is a way different person since her affair started. She gets upset when I keep asking questions about the affair and says I keep asking the same stuff..but it is what it is..there is no changing her..she has decided she's ready to move on and that I should too..like I just can turn off everything she's done and just give her a new life where this didn't happen almost. I mean why have to talk about the affair..it is in the past and we are in the now..

[SoulStorm]

I don't know anymore..I don't understand this person anymore..she is a way different person since her affair started. She gets upset when I keep asking questions about the affair and says I keep asking the same stuff..but it is what it is..there is no changing her..she has decided she's ready to move on and that I should too..like I just can turn off everything she's done and just give her a new life where this didn't happen almost. I mean why have to talk about the affair..it is in the past and we are in the now..

 

Well so much for all that love she says she has for you if she can't handle the consequences of her affair. Move on? Really.? There is your answer right there

[Krtk]

I don't know anymore..I don't understand this person anymore..she is a way different person since her affair started. She gets upset when I keep asking questions about the affair and says I keep asking the same stuff..but it is what it is..there is no changing her..she has decided she's ready to move on and that I should too..like I just can turn off everything she's done and just give her a new life where this didn't happen almost. I mean why have to talk about the affair..it is in the past and we are in the now..

 

This is my first post in this thread but following it to the most part

I think your wife lacks some qualities of matured adult like starting from the affair to now she's acting like a kid I did one wrong why can't you forgive me. She's not getting the depth of what's she's done and what it means to you. And the promise she made and I don't know maybe it all because to run out of situation and protect herself from consequences.

[DKT3]

I don't know anymore..I don't understand this person anymore..she is a way different person since her affair started. She gets upset when I keep asking questions about the affair and says I keep asking the same stuff..but it is what it is..there is no changing her..she has decided she's ready to move on and that I should too..like I just can turn off everything she's done and just give her a new life where this didn't happen almost. I mean why have to talk about the affair..it is in the past and we are in the now..

 

TH, your wife is exactly who she has always been. Two things have happened, where you were blind now you can see. 1) she can no longer hide it 2) she know you want accept it. One of the best quotes I've ever heard goes "the very things that end relationships we're present at the start, we choose not to see them, ignore them or flat out deny they are there.....until we are face down fully exposed and exploited"

 

I would love to say I'm shocked, but it's clear in her posts she has no intention on accepting responsibility or truly holding herself accountable. I do believe she loves you, but not enough to truly expose herself and risk you rejecting who she is at her core.