Trying to understand wife's [past] affair

[Mrs. John Adams]

ah....congratulations!!!!

[mercy]

On another note we just found out we are having another boy..super excited now..hopefully the high will last

 

 

Congrats to both of you!!

 

Texashunter, love yourself like you'll love this boy.

 

Ruined, please get IC, it is the best gift I have ever given myself. It's also the best gift you can give your h.

 

Praying for you both of you.

[Unforseen]

Are you talking about accepting results that are less than desired or the give and take that is part of any healthy relationship? Uncompromising but fair…can you even have a semblance of fairness without the willingness to compromise? Does it make you a man to never waver on any decision...even if you are wrong? Do you want your children to learn that it’s your way or the highway? If they do not live up to your exacting standards you are done with them? Will that make a good lesson for your children? Will knowing that she walks the edge between divorce and reconciliation, knowing that there is no room for any further error or compromise or grace, make you more attractive to your wife? Is that the kind of ‘strength’ you want your children to learn: Disappoint me and we are finished.

 

 

Obviously, I’m taking this to the other extreme. To be a man you do need to have a set of principles that you will accept no compromise on; a point of stability in an ever fluid world demanding who you should be and how you should behave. So, let’s add one more: If reconciliation is what you want then there will be compromises between you and you WS to make that happen. Making those compromises will not make you less of a man or make you less attractive to your WS. They are simply part of the dynamic that makes a relationship as opposed to a dictatorship.

 

 

To be uncompromising in your system of values, morals, ethics, and treatment of others makes sense. For a man, it can be what defines your masculinity. It shows your strength that you will not waver from what you know to be right when you are tempted or tested. However, to be uncompromising with a spouse or significant other, as half of that relationship, is unfair to your partner. Essentially what that stance indicates is that you will get what you want to at the expense of the other person.

 

 

And that is the unfairness you are experiencing. Your WS compromised your marriage at your expense to get what she wanted. Yet if salvaging the marriage is what you want, you will have to make many compromises with her to get that happen. But what the hell? She did that to you! Why do you have to compromise? Why should you back down on anything that you demand or need? Because that is part of the beautiful dance that makes up a healthy relationship. Does that mean being a door mat? Or letting her walk all over you and not expressing the importance of your needs? No, it means eventually you will have to work with her to develop the best solution for both of you for any given problem.

 

 

 

Are there parts of your marriage that you should be uncompromising about should things move towards reconciliation? Yes, there are. Some of these things that you may decide are unacceptable could be her breaking NC without your knowledge and permission, ever being unfaithful again, or maybe stopping all progress completely in helping you to feel safe with her again. Those are your boundaries that you will set and establish as things develop and may evolve as the situation changes. But what if she misses an IC appointment or makes some other mistake? Will you be able to offer her some mercy in these disappointments as these actions or inactions may push at your boundaries? I realize this is asking a great deal of you right now, but it is something to consider and even discuss with your WW. Knowing where your boundaries are, especially if they are fair and logical, will help her feel more comfortable and secure with you. Even as I say that I realize that her comfort and security probably don’t matter too much to you, but from that foundation will grow peace and happiness and contentment and many other positive emotions that form the basis of love and attraction for a woman.

 

 

 

I wish you the best TexasHunter. And congratulations to you and Ruined for the upcoming addition to your family!

[road]

TH, good news and pulling for your recovery.

 

Though I would be so paranoid I would be doing a paternity test. Even

though you have been able to verify NC. I just would not be able to

sleep nights without a Dr confirming paternity.

 

Consequences of having an affair.

[Cephalopod]

I agree with Road. Once the fetus is far enough along, TH should demand that his wife submit to a prenatal DNA test to confirm he is the father. I wouldn't sign a birth certificate unless I knew for sure I was the father.

[Texashunter]

I know 100% that my boys are mine..sorry but they are spitting imagines of me..would be easy to notice..but that being said I did bring it up and she has said she is 100% fine with that. She said she doesn't fear the results because she knows their mine as well..I believe this was a one time thing and talking with her AP wife there was only 2 full on sexual encounters and the time he went down on her in our van..the rest was just emails and such..as far as contact with anyone other than me the last 7 months..well let's say I know every move she makes..I've left her with no time for anything..but just knowing she is willing to have DNA test and even take a polygraph is a lil reassuring..little being a key word but it's something.

[Cephalopod]

I know 100% that my boys are mine..sorry but they are spitting imagines of me..would be easy to notice..but that being said I did bring it up and she has said she is 100% fine with that. She said she doesn't fear the results because she knows their mine as well..I believe this was a one time thing and talking with her AP wife there was only 2 full on sexual encounters and the time he went down on her in our van..the rest was just emails and such..as far as contact with anyone other than me the last 7 months..well let's say I know every move she makes..I've left her with no time for anything..but just knowing she is willing to have DNA test and even take a polygraph is a lil reassuring..little being a key word but it's something.

 

You gotta take the small victories as they come.

 

How are you doing otherwise? Are you taking care of yourself?

[Texashunter]

Kids are out for the summer and slow time of the year for me for work so I'm just hanging with my kids and having fun with them. Doing some work around the house and trying to relax some. Going to start back at the gym as well

[mercy]

Fun summer with dad. Boy bonding!!! YAY!

 

Wishing you, TH, a great summer.

 

Don't forget your son in the 'oven'. And the mother carrying him for you. That growing baby feels everything. Try to show him peace and love, and maybe a few songs. Yes, sing to him.

 

Talk to him tell him how much he's loved. happy mothers make happy babies. It is doable TH you are an honorable man, Rise above and be the authentic you. Man above men, yes go there. I believe in you.

[Texashunter]

One thing I have been questioning is how she had no emotion towards me or our kids while doing what she did..how does one block out everything they have built for years for a stranger and feel now guilt or remorse after their acts during the affair and still claim they loved you? How can you stay with someone who is capable of doing that with full knowledge of their actions and come home each night like nothing ever happened and go to sleep so easily..

[Mrs. John Adams]

One thing I have been questioning is how she had no emotion towards me or our kids while doing what she did..how does one block out everything they have built for years for a stranger and feel now guilt or remorse after their acts during the affair and still claim they loved you? How can you stay with someone who is capable of doing that with full knowledge of their actions and come home each night like nothing ever happened and go to sleep so easily..

 

You are the only person that can answer your own question. I might be able to stay even in those circumstances... but you may not.

 

Only you can determine what you can live with.

[alsudduth]

One thing I have been questioning is how she had no emotion towards me or our kids while doing what she did..how does one block out everything they have built for years for a stranger and feel now guilt or remorse after their acts during the affair and still claim they loved you? How can you stay with someone who is capable of doing that with full knowledge of their actions and come home each night like nothing ever happened and go to sleep so easily..

 

When in an affair, a lot of justification is told to oneself to not let all the guilty emotions surface. At the time of the A, I'm sure she had some valid (in her mind) reasoning that this was her right to be selfish.

 

Your question made me reflect, I went through periods of extreme guilt feelings, but my justification was that my H was an awful H for a long time, that I loved someone with all my heart only to find out he didn't reciprocate as much love for me as I once had for him. I wanted and felt like I deserved for someone to love me like I had loved my H. So all it took was for me to come home and have my H ignore me (in my mind), and I was happy to get a message from my AP.

 

No justification excuses the CHOICE to cheat. I should have been a stronger person and left my H after repeatedly hurting me through ignoring me, cheating on me, planning a life with another woman, coming back when I started finally moving on......but in the end, as much as I don't believe in religion, I believe in fate. and fate wants my H and I together, and in the last year we have made more progress on our marriage than we have in our entire 20 years together.

 

I make a choice everyday to love my husband and be the best wife I can be. Some days are easier than others, and some days are so hard. The love isn't the same as it was in my younger years, when I thought all you needed was love......but I love him all the same, and I don't want anyone else but him.

[Unforseen]

One thing I have been questioning is how she had no emotion towards me or our kids while doing what she did..how does one block out everything they have built for years for a stranger and feel now guilt or remorse after their acts during the affair and still claim they loved you? How can you stay with someone who is capable of doing that with full knowledge of their actions and come home each night like nothing ever happened and go to sleep so easily..

 

My wife described it as feeling dead inside. She said that something broke inside her and she suddenly found herself feeling dead and empty. In the real world she went through the motions getting dressed, eating, showering, even talking and texting me, but it was all just a show or memorized reactions. She only cared about satisfying her needs for affection and attention in her online or chat based virtual world that was free from the difficulties of everyday life and the difficulties of being real and authentic. All she has to do was out on her fantasy personality and enter into her fantasy relationships where nothing hurt and she could get all she wanted with a few typed words or a couple of pictures. Feeling dead inside let her shrug of any thought about how meeting her desires in her affairs would affect her real life and the people that really cared about her. "They don't matter, I'm getting everything I want right here".

 

My ultimatum that I was leaving her unless she stopped snapped her back alive and welcomed her back to the real world with the shock of the pain that her actions had caused me and the reality of what she was about to lose. It took a few months from that point to the beginnings of true remorse, but once she started to also feel my pain I saw there could be hope for us and R.

 

It has been a rough road since then and the only answer I can give is you decide to do it. You hold up what they have done and how they have treated you to what they are doing now and how thet are treating you now. Some days you can see the improvement and some days not. But if there is a constant trend towards improvement then you find that you are at a point where you can say "I love her more than I hate what she did".

 

It takes time and effort by both people. There will be tears and words of anger. Eventually you may start to see that there is a line of separation between who she was and who she is becoming and from there a new realationship can truly begin. The old one will still be there with some good memories and many bad ones, but the new one can be a fresh start at treating eachother with all the love and respect that is deserved in a marriage.

[Cephalopod]

One thing I have been questioning is how she had no emotion towards me or our kids while doing what she did..how does one block out everything they have built for years for a stranger and feel now guilt or remorse after their acts during the affair and still claim they loved you? How can you stay with someone who is capable of doing that with full knowledge of their actions and come home each night like nothing ever happened and go to sleep so easily..

 

 

 

Its called compartmentalization. All cheaters do it to a degree. Some are better at it than others.

[QuietDan]

My wife described it as feeling dead inside. She said that something broke inside her and she suddenly found herself feeling dead and empty. In the real world she went through the motions getting dressed, eating, showering, even talking and texting me, but it was all just a show or memorized reactions. She only cared about satisfying her needs for affection and attention in her online or chat based virtual world that was free from the difficulties of everyday life and the difficulties of being real and authentic. All she has to do was out on her fantasy personality and enter into her fantasy relationships where nothing hurt and she could get all she wanted with a few typed words or a couple of pictures. Feeling dead inside let her shrug of any thought about how meeting her desires in her affairs would affect her real life and the people that really cared about her. "They don't matter, I'm getting everything I want right here".

 

My ultimatum that I was leaving her unless she stopped snapped her back alive and welcomed her back to the real world with the shock of the pain that her actions had caused me and the reality of what she was about to lose. It took a few months from that point to the beginnings of true remorse, but once she started to also feel my pain I saw there could be hope for us and R.

 

It has been a rough road since then and the only answer I can give is you decide to do it. You hold up what they have done and how they have treated you to what they are doing now and how thet are treating you now. Some days you can see the improvement and some days not. But if there is a constant trend towards improvement then you find that you are at a point where you can say "I love her more than I hate what she did".

 

It takes time and effort by both people. There will be tears and words of anger. Eventually you may start to see that there is a line of separation between who she was and who she is becoming and from there a new realationship can truly begin. The old one will still be there with some good memories and many bad ones, but the new one can be a fresh start at treating eachother with all the love and respect that is deserved in a marriage.

 

I never thought of it as being broken or dead inside. It seemed more like disconnected, like your watching someone else go through the motions of your everyday life. The plane was on autopilot, while the pilot was completely obcessed, focused, thinking about the other.... Real life sort of goes on hold, what you see and hear was the background music that was playing to keep the person on hold from noticing.... I had sorta forgotten about that... After I really returned back to reality about 2 or so years later... I looked around and noticed my entire life outside of the affair was on hold. Tools I had been working with on projects I had been working on, hadn't moved, dust had literally settled on everything. What a waste of of time it was. One of the many things I really regret and loathe about my past. I can't believe just how I was so stupid about everything during all of it.

[usa1ah]

One thing I have been questioning is how she had no emotion towards me or our kids while doing what she did..how does one block out everything they have built for years for a stranger and feel now guilt or remorse after their acts during the affair and still claim they loved you? How can you stay with someone who is capable of doing that with full knowledge of their actions and come home each night like nothing ever happened and go to sleep so easily..

 

Because she believes she did nothing wrong.

[Mrs. John Adams]

There is a difference in knowing that you did somrthing wrong and understanding remorse.

 

In my opinion...she certainly knows she did something wrong

 

Lets be honest...you are the one who stayed...you are the one who knocked her up...you are the one who has indicated that you are in it to stay

 

Thers comes a time when we ALL have to take responsibility for our actions.

 

You indicated to her you were in it for the long haul

 

She got pregnant with your son...she has given birth to that son...that is at least 9 months later.

 

you are either ok with this or you or not....you should have thought about this and evaluated this before you inpregnanted her again.

 

Move on my friend...

 

it is done....

 

you have a new life to raise...get your head out of your ass and stop this drama...if she gives you ANY reason to doubt her...divorce and be done with it

[SummerDreams]

After having read the whole thread during the last days I am under the impression that this story is not that real and it may be a great material for a book. The OP and his seemingly wife seems to not reply to people who ask logical and to the point questions. I have also noticed that the OP presents things how they suit him, given that this thread is for real. For example he never said that he wanted to get his wife pregnant after discovering her affair to make her prove that she loves him, she was the one who told us that and the OP just yada yada'd it. Anyway, I just see a story being dragged and the OP "pinging" it with the same ideas after he sees the thread getting dead only to get some responses he never replies to. I get this is a free forum and anyone can say whatever story they want, but I don't find it fair to make people worry about you over a fake story.

[Texashunter]

There is a difference in knowing that you did somrthing wrong and understanding remorse.

 

In my opinion...she certainly knows she did something wrong

 

Lets be honest...you are the one who stayed...you are the one who knocked her up...you are the one who has indicated that you are in it to stay

 

Thers comes a time when we ALL have to take responsibility for our actions.

 

You indicated to her you were in it for the long haul

 

She got pregnant with your son...she has given birth to that son...that is at least 9 months later.

 

you are either ok with this or you or not....you should have thought about this and evaluated this before you inpregnanted her again.

 

Move on my friend...

 

it is done....

 

you have a new life to raise...get your head out of your ass and stop this drama...if she gives you ANY reason to doubt her...divorce and be done with it

 

I never said I was in it for the long haul. She's only 15 weeks pregnant at this point. All this has only been out since oct 26th 2016. The problem is that she still is t being truly honest. Even lastnight she dropped a bomb on me and then tried to say she had said it before but just another way. Which I must say the first way is a little more sugar coated the. What she told me lastnight. Yes we are having another child which is bitter sweet for sure. I'm sticking because of that for sure because that child doesn't deserve me and his brothers leaving him before he is even born. Yes it my fault for letting it happen and I see it as I just can't stop messing up my life by letting this happen when all this is going on at the same time. My head isn't up my butt nor do I like the drama. This isn't the life I was looking for nor been working for over the last 14 yrs. I was in therapy the other day and they asked how I feel..I said to be honest I feel numb, lost and like I can't make clear decisions. That I fear how my decisions I make with her now will make things worse for my boys. Each time I feel like I'm taking a step forward she has a way of making me take 3 steps back. I don't feel like I'm processing all of this because of her reason and why give no clarity but maybe that's my problem. I'm looking for clarity where there is none to be had. I can't even figure out what I want anymore. I keep trying to figure a way to make a move to something but then question the hell out of the results..maybe I'm just one of those few who just can't figure things out and make a move. For me this is the hardest thing I've ever faced in my life and I've been through some stuff that most people would say would be worse than this. But I've never loved or dedicated myself to anyone as hard as I had with her. I just can't process somemuch in such a little time. I had someone tell me that 7 months is way to long to still be processing this..how can you life be processed that quickly? I know the sht or get off the pot motto but I'm trying to look at everything clearly and am having problems with doing that..I want to jump ship but don't want to trade one mistake with another. I just don't think I cloud live with it knowing my decision will destroy my kids as well. Bad enough she did it willingly and with no thought to them. I just don't want them to look at me and say your no better than her.

 

But it seems maybe I should stop adding to this thread. Maybe there just isn't anymore advice to be given on this issue. I was looking for insight and some advice and I wished it had worked for me. I have taken some of the advice and tried working with it only for it to blow up in my face. Probably best at this point to just give up. Maybe it's me living in some kind of twisted fantasy now and I've lost all grip on reality by not being able to make a decision. My mind is in this constant tug-a-war. Which I'm starting to see is my problem and may never fix itself.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Well I owe you an apology... I thought she had already had the baby boy .... so I do humbly apologize

 

Look this trip you are on is tough... and it stays tough for a really long time ... maybe even forever ...

 

And it takes time to get it all sorted out... if you ever get it all sorted out.

 

I feel like the two of you are in a power struggle... and the truth is.. you gotta do this together.

 

You can't keep stabbing each other with the knife.

 

And I am talking to her as well.. you are a team

 

This is not you against him or him against you

 

You either both want this marriage or you don't

 

And you have to work together... you have to both be honest and both be transparent and both put the other one first

 

And if you can't do that... for gods sake pull the plug

 

Because this power struggle you are involved in is not going to help anyone

 

The first question you have to answer is do you love each other

 

Because if you don't... you are wasting your time

 

Mercy shared this one day and I thought man... that is it!!!

 

You have to love her more than you hate what she did. It is really quite profound.

 

If you have love ... and treat each other respectfully which means telling the truth.... all of the truth....not some of the truth...then you have a foundation to rebuild on

 

But you have to have a foundation ...

 

Anyway again I am really sorry I had my information wrong and came down hard on you. I feel terrible about it and I hope you can forgive me.

[Texashunter]

After having read the whole thread during the last days I am under the impression that this story is not that real and it may be a great material for a book. The OP and his seemingly wife seems to not reply to people who ask logical and to the point questions. I have also noticed that the OP presents things how they suit him, given that this thread is for real. For example he never said that he wanted to get his wife pregnant after discovering her affair to make her prove that she loves him, she was the one who told us that and the OP just yada yada'd it. Anyway, I just see a story being dragged and the OP "pinging" it with the same ideas after he sees the thread getting dead only to get some responses he never replies to. I get this is a free forum and anyone can say whatever story they want, but I don't find it fair to make people worry about you over a fake story.

 

May not be real to you but is very fing real for me and not material in a book I would think anyone would want to read.

 

If you've read the threat then you would have seen me replying back and trying out advice some have shared with me.

 

Dragging out the thread..wow like this is something I wanted to be spending time doing just to see what people said. I came to this forum because it seemed a place where I could talk, vent some of my feelings as well as seek some advice from other in my position. It seems that you see me taking my life and what's happened as a joke and enjoy watching people spend there time commenting to me. I could care f lease if the thread died. I don't think it's required to read everyone's thread. I think some people start a thread just to get it out..my pain is so very real.

 

Making people worry about me..never my intent at all..never even started this with the idea that people would give a crap..I just wanted to be able to talk and maybe get some help sorting things out. But what the hell do I know..I must be just some pos attention hound..reality my friend isn't that I need attention..just a voice for once..but my bad..should have keep my damn mouth shut and moved on with my sht life right..asking questions and venting ones life issue should be kept to themselves right. Stop making my problems others because that not what this site is for..again my bad..

 

I'm sorry to all those who wasted their time on my thread and worried about me. Was never my intent to do that to y'all..I need to get my butt back to taking care of my kids and just live with the crap sandwhiches im served And keep eating. I'll just hang my head and trudge on..about only one thing can do right..what does 14 yrs of ones life mean in the grand scheme anyway..just a bunk of the eye and then it's over..I will stop posting..I apologize

[Texashunter]

Well I owe you an apology... I thought she had already had the baby boy .... so I do humbly apologize

 

Look this trip you are on is tough... and it stays tough for a really long time ... maybe even forever ...

 

And it takes time to get it all sorted out... if you ever get it all sorted out.

 

I feel like the two of you are in a power struggle... and the truth is.. you gotta do this together.

 

You can't keep stabbing each other with the knife.

 

And I am talking to her as well.. you are a team

 

This is not you against him or him against you

 

You either both want this marriage or you don't

 

And you have to work together... you have to both be honest and both be transparent and both put the other one first

 

And if you can't do that... for gods sake pull the plug

 

Because this power struggle you are involved in is not going to help anyone

 

The first question you have to answer is do you love each other

 

Because if you don't... you are wasting your time

 

Mercy shared this one day and I thought man... that is it!!!

 

You have to love her more than you hate what she did. It is really quite profound.

 

If you have love ... and treat each other respectfully which means telling the truth.... all of the truth....not some of the truth...then you have a foundation to rebuild on

 

But you have to have a foundation ...

 

Anyway again I am really sorry I had my information wrong and came down hard on you. I feel terrible about it and I hope you can forgive me.

 

Today is one of those rough days..I really am trying..I really am..I think now I really need IC..I can't stop the crying, anger and sadness. Last nights conversation with her..well it tore my wounds even deeper..it's like constantly get the reset button hit over and over again..all I wanted from her is to be transparent and tell me the truth..to be honest even if it rips me apart even more..to make me hit rock bottom so I can at least feel the bottom. So that maybe once there I can stand and make a move somewhere..is that to much to ask for?

[Texashunter]

 

Anyway again I am really sorry I had my information wrong and came down hard on you. I feel terrible about it and I hope you can forgive me.

 

It's ok, I have a tuff hide with other people..it's just with her I have always been soft..this pain is something I have never felt before..I would rather be shot again, stabbed or beaten then feel this..this pain isn't going away like the others..I've lost the only dream I ever had..I just wanted to be a good husband, a great father and my wife's best friend..the rest of the world around me could have burned down and falling apart I would would be more than happy as long as I had my wife and kids..but guess it just wasn't meant to be

[Texashunter]

How does respond when their wife of almost 13 yrs says her affair partner made her the horniest she's ever felt in her life? I mean at least she was honest about it finally but what does that say about me from the get go...could she please make me feel anymore inadequate as a man...1 step forward and then torn back 10

[S2B]

How does respond when their wife of almost 13 yrs says her affair partner made her the horniest she's ever felt in her life? I mean at least she was honest about it finally but what does that say about me from the get go...could she please make me feel anymore inadequate as a man...1 step forward and then torn back 10

 

It's not realistic to compete sexually with a fantasy world.

 

Any affair is based on secrecy, fantasy, lies and trickery. This makes the affair very exciting.

 

On the other side (any marriage) you have the daily realistic workings of bills, obligations, laundry, cleaning and family issues...

 

If you think you can fairly compete with that fantasy world you are delusional.

 

Stop trying to understand how it was exciting.

 

You either decide to work on the marriage by asking how you can make it different (IF she's willing to carry most of the load to repair the damage she has caused) or you decide you can't forgive her and end it.