Trying to understand wife's [past] affair

[BluesPower]

How to reply to a comment like this..." you don't understand how it feels to desire, love and want someone who says they don't want you?"

 

This was told to me last night as if I have no ideas what that's like or even worse..these are the things I constantly get hit with..is it me or am I just fing crazy..

 

 

TH, Give us some context...

 

Your wife is saying this to you from her to you?

 

Your wife is saying this to you from her to her AP?

 

If she said this to you from her to you, wow, how could you not. Her affair and behavior before during and after is absolutely enough for make you feel unloved.

 

If it was the latter you need to kick her out and file for divorce pregnant or not...

[Mrs. John Adams]

How to reply to a comment like this..." you don't understand how it feels to desire, love and want someone who says they don't want you?"

 

This was told to me last night as if I have no ideas what that's like or even worse..these are the things I constantly get hit with..is it me or am I just fing crazy..

 

STOP trying to analyze it. When she says something like this ask her what she means instead of YOU trying to figure it out.

 

She may have felt this way about YOU....she may feel this way about BOTH of you

 

I said to my mom before i ever confessed to john....i have two men in my life and neither one wants me.

 

Thats how i felt at the time. Perhaps ruined feels the same way.

[Texashunter]

TH, Give us some context...

 

Your wife is saying this to you from her to you?

 

Your wife is saying this to you from her to her AP?

 

If she said this to you from her to you, wow, how could you not. Her affair and behavior before during and after is absolutely enough for make you feel unloved.

 

If it was the latter you need to kick her out and file for divorce pregnant or not...

 

We were talking about thing and she started crying. She then says that I don't understand how it feels to love someone, desire and wants someone who says they don't want them..yet here I have been living that for years now..but I don't understand that feeling. She wasn't talking about her AP but about me. That she wants these things now from me but I don't understand how it feels to be rejected..talking about me rejecting her now.

[Texashunter]

STOP trying to analyze it. When she says something like this ask her what she means instead of YOU trying to figure it out.

 

She may have felt this way about YOU....she may feel this way about BOTH of you

 

I said to my mom before i ever confessed to john....i have two men in my life and neither one wants me.

 

Thats how i felt at the time. Perhaps ruined feels the same way.

 

My point is how the hell she can say that when that's exactly what she did to me. Saying I can't understand the very thing she did to me doesn't make any sense..as if she's the only one who has been treated this way..and it's only now she is having to feel this...maybe she does feel this way about him now as well since he is the one who dumped her..but I will ever know because she claims she didn't want him anymore and wished it had never happened..but that could just be something she's said to try to make me feel better.

[Texashunter]

And so the story goes...

 

Seriously you can stop reading this thread. If you don't like the conversation then stop reading it..

[Mrs. John Adams]

My point is how the hell she can say that when that's exactly what she did to me. Saying I can't understand the very thing she did to me doesn't make any sense..as if she's the only one who has been treated this way..and it's only now she is having to feel this...maybe she does feel this way about him now as well since he is the one who dumped her..but I will ever know because she claims she didn't want him anymore and wished it had never happened..but that could just be something she's said to try to make me feel better.

 

because she is still in her own head

 

Let me ask you this...was she kindof unsensitive BEFORE her affair? Did she kindof say what she thinks? Did she lack having a filter on her mouth?

 

And were you as sensitive to everything she used to say as you are now?

 

You see...you take absolutley everything she says and try to analyze it....and she is just saying what pops in her head.

 

I am telling you...I did the same thing. I am a talker...i just said what i thought. I did not realize that everything i said was gong to be picked apart and documented.

[Texashunter]

 

I said to my mom before i ever confessed to john....i have two men in my life and neither one wants me.

 

Thats how i felt at the time. Perhaps ruined feels the same way.

 

Of course the AP never really wanted her..she was just his sex toy to him and she knew this. She fully excepted her role with him..she knew there was no future with him and according to her she never wanted any kind of future with him other than the bs they were doing

[ruined_my_love]

He says he wants me to want and desire him more than I ever did the AP. He says he wants me to pursue him like never before. My point was only HOW does one do this this the man they love has told them they are disgusting. Has called them all sorts of names and says that he has not agreed to reconciliation and that he doesn't want me. I do love this man. I want a relationship with him. He says there never will be any relationship. How do you prove your love and devotion to someone who every day point blank tells you that you are not good enough, nothing you do is enough, they were NEVER happy with you?

I'm sorry that I say the wrong things. I'm sorry that I get frustrated and flustered and enrage him even more. I love him and I choose him. Not because I was dumped by AP. Not just because I got caught. Not because I don't want to lose "my lifestyle". Even through all of the anger and hate, I care for this man and I can't forgive myself for hurting him in this way. He wants to argue the philosophy of it and there is no good reason for what I've done. But I am here. I won't give up. I love him and I love my family. This is what I want. Not the turmoil of now, but the promise and hope of a happy future. I know it's there.

[SummerDreams]

How is it that both people from the happy couple post the exact same times?

[ruined_my_love]

Mrs John Adams - I am not a talker. I always say the wrong thing. And I didnt feel like I could talk to TH before the affair and I think this is what led to it. My feelings don't matter. I am stupid and selfish.

I see my past mistakes and I am determined not to repeat them. But still. I say the wrong thing. He takes everything I say and twists it. That's how I feel. I am here. I am trying. I have been honest. He still questions. He gets mad when I give the same answer. The truth. So I have to find another way to say it. Then it feels new to him. I don't want to keep hurting him. I only want to love him.

I would not still be here after all of the horrific things he's said to me if I did not love him, and if I didn't believe that deep down, he loves me too. This is why he is SO ANGRY. I love him for his passion. I won't give up on him. If he wants to live as "roommates" for now - so be it. I will not give up. A relationship vampy last of it is one sided and I know that. But for now, that's what it has to be.

[Texashunter]

because she is still in her own head

 

Let me ask you this...was she kindof unsensitive BEFORE her affair? Did she kindof say what she thinks? Did she lack having a filter on her mouth?

 

And were you as sensitive to everything she used to say as you are now?

 

You see...you take absolutley everything she says and try to analyze it....and she is just saying what pops in her head.

 

I am telling you...I did the same thing. I am a talker...i just said what i thought. I did not realize that everything i said was gong to be picked apart and documented.

 

She would say things and act like I shouldn't have a response. All I would do is point out the obvious. She wouldbthen say that that what she said wasn't what she meant and I was taking it out of context. But let be real..I wasn't reading into it more than how she said it..saying you don't help me but when I point out the things I do to help she would say..I didn't say you don't help me that I'm taking it the wrong way..if I just said everything that pops in my head I'd never have anyone close to me. I think before I react so I'm not just saying bs and seeing what sticks. I want what I say to mean what I say and it just something that could be hurtful and ignorant.

 

I'm a talker as well but when I talk I make sure what I'm saying is factual and not just random words that have no meaning. Saying things just to say it and then having to back petal shows a lack of caring about the other person. That you are incapable of thinking. I do analyze certain aspects of a conversation when they have no point. But at the same time look at what people say for the what they say..I don't analyze a conversation when they say..hey your just not something that makes me happy..it is what it is..I don't make them happy so I move on. So if they come back and say hey that's not what I meant or your taking it the wrong way..how is that over analyzing..it was simple. I don't make her happy and then she didn't get the reaction she wanted. I just call things for what they are.

[ruined_my_love]

How is it that both people from the happy couple post the exact same times?

 

There is no current happiness, thank you for your concern.

I am working on that. Right now I'm giving him a little space.

He is upstairs in bed. And I have been downstairs cleaning up because we have family coming over to see our boys. I just sat down and decided to check in here.

[Texashunter]

Mrs John Adams - I am not a talker. I always say the wrong thing. And I didnt feel like I could talk to TH before the affair and I think this is what led to it. My feelings don't matter. I am stupid and selfish.

 

Point in question..I never say and tried to make them feel like they didn't matter or that she was stupid. I would listen and in like all normal conversations reply and explain my side of things so she could at least hear my point and allow for us to make adjustments to what was going on. But how can someone Work on things if they don't allow there to be a conversation? Just only wanting people to see their point of view and that be it. How is wanting to talk about things be ignoring another's feeling or or saying what they felt didn't matter? Is one just to sit there and let them have their feelings and not be allowed to express their own?

[DKT3]

There is no current happiness, thank you for your concern.

I am working on that. Right now I'm giving him a little space.

He is upstairs in bed. And I have been downstairs cleaning up because we have family coming over to see our boys. I just sat down and decided to check in here.

 

I know I've been harsh toward you in my indirect comments. A bit of advice, you can easily defuse your husband, but it takes courage, the courage to let go of the outcome and focus on what's best for him. That requires humility, that is what appears to be lacking. You can't seem to humble yourself enough to be honest, and then expect that he would be distrustful of you, you did that BTW. Of course he doesn't believe you. Do you really think he should? If so why? What is it based on. You're husband doesn't see the woman he fell in love with, he sees in you the monster that has lied and betrayed him for years.

 

Like I said, he doesn't believe anything you say, and he shouldn't. Understanding this will make this journey slightly more tolerable for you...you know what he will believe? Actions. If you show through actions with time your words will carry some weight.

 

This isn't any easy, he is fighting with you to make him feel better for even being there when everything is telling him to run.

 

When my wife was finally open honest and humble I was gone, anything short of a time machine would have been useless in keeping me married to her. I didn't care at that point. No anger, no emotions nothing, just the desire to get her away from me and out of my Life as much as I could while co-parenting..

 

I don't see him there yet, close but not there.

[Mrs. John Adams]

You cannot treat her disrespectfully. I mean it. I understand your anger...I understand your pain...I understand your frustration. I even understand why you want to lash out at her. But you have to stop it. Because it accomplishes nothing. It simply causes more hurt and anger.

 

Every time you lash out at her ...you drive the wedge between you in deeper.

 

You have to learn to communicate rationally...

 

I will tell you honestly...neither of you is trying very hard to listen to the other. You are both licking your wounds....harboring resentment....lashing out at each other...and spinning in circles.

 

If you dont start listening not only with your heads but your hearts...I dont think this marriage has a snowballs chance in hell of making it.

 

YOu cannot MAKE her do things you think she should do. She is who she is....if she says things and you lash out at her...she will simply shutup and shut you out.

 

Maybe she's right. MAybe this is the root of the problem that got you here. You neither one have ever listened to the other one. Maybe it is time for you to both start listening.

 

Maybe you need to start putting the feelings of the other one first. Maybe if you stop dwelling on your own pain and think abput the pain of the other one...you might actually be civil to each other.

 

You are both hurting...if you were both bleeding...wouldn't you reach out to each other to stop the bleeding? Or would you stand there and defiantly watch the other one bleed to death?

 

Ruined....you must be patient with him. You have nobody to blame but you for this. He should not treat you disrespectfully...but you need to weigh your words. You know he is dessecting everything you say....so be careful how you say things. Be sensitive to how your words cut him. He is already hurting....dont hurt him even more by being insensitive with what you say.

 

YOu both should be doing your best to help each other...not tearing each other apart.

[BluesPower]

He says he wants me to want and desire him more than I ever did the AP. He says he wants me to pursue him like never before. My point was only HOW does one do this this the man they love has told them they are disgusting. Has called them all sorts of names and says that he has not agreed to reconciliation and that he doesn't want me. I do love this man. I want a relationship with him. He says there never will be any relationship. How do you prove your love and devotion to someone who every day point blank tells you that you are not good enough, nothing you do is enough, they were NEVER happy with you?

I'm sorry that I say the wrong things. I'm sorry that I get frustrated and flustered and enrage him even more. I love him and I choose him. Not because I was dumped by AP. Not just because I got caught. Not because I don't want to lose "my lifestyle". Even through all of the anger and hate, I care for this man and I can't forgive myself for hurting him in this way. He wants to argue the philosophy of it and there is no good reason for what I've done. But I am here. I won't give up. I love him and I love my family. This is what I want. Not the turmoil of now, but the promise and hope of a happy future. I know it's there.

 

Ruined, girl you still do not get it... and I am thinking that you maybe never will. I am going to try to help you understand...

 

First off, how could a seemingly otherwise intelligent beautiful woman say some of the stupid, stupid things that you have said. And you keep saying them. Why can't you understand how hurt and pissed off your husband is, why is that?

 

Listen, the horniest you have ever been comment was about as bad as anything that I have heard of, really bad. I guess you were being honest.

 

But for you to whine about trying to love someone that hates you and calls you names. What is it that you think you deserve.

 

Could you tell us that? I will tell you what I think you deserve after what you did in your affair, and if your husband, right or wrong, did not love you as much as he does, then he would have done this as well. What you deserve is for your butt to be kicked out of the house without a penny to your name. And you deserve for your husband and children to never speak to you again. That is what you deserve.

 

Do you get any of that? Is anything starting to register in your head yet. I anything starting to sink in at all?????

 

You had a long affair, and if you had been local with each other you would have been screwing like rabbits. You would have performed every kinky act that your AP and you could come up with that you never wanted with your husband, ever. You would still be in the affair and having monkey sex with him if you had not been caught and then you lied to TH about everything you could until he figured it all out.

 

Are you some kind of special snow flake that deserves NOT to be called names and screamed at? Are you that special. I that thing of yours mink lined or something.

 

FOR THE LOVE OF EVERYTHING HOLY WOULD YOU WAKE UP.

Edited June 10, 2017 by BluesPower

[BluesPower]

He says he wants me to want and desire him more than I ever did the AP. He says he wants me to pursue him like never before. My point was only HOW does one do this this the man they love has told them they are disgusting. Has called them all sorts of names and says that he has not agreed to reconciliation and that he doesn't want me. I do love this man. I want a relationship with him. He says there never will be any relationship. How do you prove your love and devotion to someone who every day point blank tells you that you are not good enough, nothing you do is enough, they were NEVER happy with you?

I'm sorry that I say the wrong things. I'm sorry that I get frustrated and flustered and enrage him even more. I love him and I choose him. Not because I was dumped by AP. Not just because I got caught. Not because I don't want to lose "my lifestyle". Even through all of the anger and hate, I care for this man and I can't forgive myself for hurting him in this way. He wants to argue the philosophy of it and there is no good reason for what I've done. But I am here. I won't give up. I love him and I love my family. This is what I want. Not the turmoil of now, but the promise and hope of a happy future. I know it's there.

 

Ruined, girl you still do not get it... and I am thinking that you maybe never will. I am going to try to help you understand...

 

First off, how could a seemingly otherwise intelligent beautiful woman say some of the stupid, stupid things that you have said. And you keep saying them. Why can't you understand how hurt and pissed off your husband is, why is that?

 

Listen, the horniest you have ever been comment was about as bad as anything that I have heard of, really bad. I guess you were being honest.

 

But for you to whine about trying to love someone that hates you and calls you names. What is it that you think you deserve.

 

Could you tell us that? I will tell you what I think you deserve after what you did in your affair, and if your husband, right or wrong, did not love you as much as he does, then he would have done this as well. What you deserve is for your butt to be kicked out of the house without a penny to your name. And you deserve for your husband and children to never speak to you again. That is what you deserve.

 

Do you get any of that? Is anything starting to register in your head yet. Is anything starting to sink in at all?????

 

You had a long affair, and if you had been local with each other you would have been screwing like rabbits. You would have performed every kinky act that your AP and you could come up with that you never wanted with your husband, ever. You would still be in the affair and having monkey sex with him if you had not been caught and then you lied to TH about everything you could until he figured it all out.

 

Are you some kind of special snow flake that deserve NOT to be called names and screamed at? Are you that special. Is that thing of yours mink lined or something?

 

FOR THE LOVE OF EVERYTHING HOLY WOULD YOU WAKE UP.

 

Every moment of your life that you are allowed to spend with your family from now until you die is a gift from the man that you betrayed in the worst way you can betray a man.

 

A man that gave you a comfortable life and a family. A man that loved you above all others. And this is how you repay him for that gift.

 

You repay him now by whining about the names that he calls you and the fact that he thinks you are disgusting some of the time?

 

Would you please get over yourself and stop being selfish and self centered. Or are you just not capable of that?

[Texashunter]

You cannot treat her disrespectfully. I mean it. I understand your anger...I understand your pain...I understand your frustration. I even understand why you want to lash out at her. But you have to stop it. Because it accomplishes nothing. It simply causes more hurt and anger..

 

 

Never have I ever gone out of my way to disrespect my wife in anyway. But if someone is going to continually disrespect me every day for years and think I will just suck it up no is crazy. Even now she disrespects me with the way she handled it once the affair was over and even currently. But I'm the one treating her with disrespect???? How in the fing world does she deserve any dang respect from me?? what has she done to deserve it?? What, because she's a human?...If so where was mine?? Why does she continually get to keep disrespecting me with the lack of truth and action?? To tell me one thing but do another?? At least I've tried...but what credit does that deserve right.

 

Every time you lash out at her ...you drive the wedge between you in deeper..

 

 

Or is it I am simply pointing out the gigantic one she has driven in already? I'm the one living with the reality of what she has done. Its like she still lives in this fantasy world. She doesn't choose to come out even now and therefor continues to treat me the same as then. Even when she does try something its like if I don't dope on what a good try it was then I'm a bad person cause she tried. I am trying to communicate rationally with a person who lives their life irrationally..That's the problem..

 

You have to learn to communicate rationally....

 

I will tell you honestly...neither of you is trying very hard to listen to the other. You are both licking your wounds....harboring resentment....lashing out at each other...and spinning in circles.

 

If you dont start listening not only with your heads but your hearts...I dont think this marriage has a snowballs chance in hell of making it..

 

 

You are correct 100% on that.. bad part is.. I'm the one trying to listen..as always..while I licking these huge wounds that she enjoyed giving me shes rubbing her bruises and telling me touch sht..cant take it back so youll just have to move on so I can have a future...

 

YOu cannot MAKE her do things you think she should do. She is who she is....if she says things and you lash out at her...she will simply shutup and shut you out..

 

 

I again have never made her do anything! I not even trying to get her to stay.. She's asks me what she should do (because she doesn't have time to think for herself and needs instructions) and all ive even done is say..If it had been me these are the things I would have done if I did the exact same things you've done. Plan and simple..But MAKING HER do a damn thing..na I don't have that kind of want from her. Either she wants it more than she wanted him or not..I will not except less..I don't think any man who has been done this way would expect or take less.

 

Maybe she's right. MAybe this is the root of the problem that got you here. You neither one have ever listened to the other one. Maybe it is time for you to both start listening.

 

 

Again, cant do anything when there is always only one person wanting to listen. Cant make her listen to me because when I do its always the same. She claims I always twist things around but the problem with this statement is totally incorrect. Once cant simply spill out feelings and then not expect the other to share there feelings either..Its a two way street and both have to listen and work on a solution..NOT hey..I feel this way and now that you know please shut up and do what ive told you to do about my problem. I don't have time to listen to yours..

 

Maybe you need to start putting the feelings of the other one first. Maybe if you stop dwelling on your own pain and think abput the pain of the other one...you might actually be civil to each other.

 

 

 

 

 

You are both hurting...if you were both bleeding...wouldn't you reach out to each other to stop the bleeding? Or would you stand there and defiantly watch the other one bleed to death?

 

Ruined....you must be patient with him. You have nobody to blame but you for this. He should not treat you disrespectfully...but you need to weigh your words. You know he is dessecting everything you say....so be careful how you say things. Be sensitive to how your words cut him. He is already hurting....dont hurt him even more by being insensitive with what you say.

 

YOu both should be doing your best to help each other...not tearing each other apart.

 

I could pick this apart piece by piece but look, you obviously see me as a person who pushed her with a lack of something.. The truth is its totally incorrect and even she has sat down and looked back at everything and admitted that. She has admitted that she caused the problems because of her views and refused to acknowledge what I was doing and trying for her. I have never at anytime in our marriage not been willing to take responsibility for anything I may have done wrong. Even when I did I would make sure to let her know that I was sorry for doing something wrong and make amends for it then.. I feel like I keep getting my butt handed to me for all this. That I had it coming sort to speak..I didn't listen, I didn't let her express her feelings..ect ect ect..But damn it..I DID!! every damn day..and even when I struggled each and every day I still held tight..What I feel now is that this is a lost cause..nothing Ive ever done with her was good enough even now..Im all out of trying with someone who half arses everything and thinks they can have their family back by doing so..Today Ive seen ive run out of patience for a person like that..I think maybe its my turn to get a break from reality like her and get some happiness for once..just let the wind take me where it goes and let her handle reality for awhile..see how that goes..bet not a single person would agree to me getting to do that..I have to sit and help her work on this crap sandwhich she's served me and like it..I'm such a lucky man...get the crap beating and kicked out of me and then expect to dress my own wounds because well I had it coming..

Edited June 10, 2017 by Texashunter

[Mrs. John Adams]

Never have I ever gone out of my way to disrespect my wife in anyway. But if someone is going to continually disrespect me every day for years and think I will just suck it up no is crazy. Even now she disrespects me with the way she handled it once the affair was over and even currently. But I'm the one treating her with disrespect???? How in the fing world does she deserve any dang respect from me?? what has she done to deserve it?? What, because she's a human?...If so where was mine?? Why does she continually get to keep disrespecting me with the lack of truth and action?? To tell me one thing but do another?? At least I've tried...but what credit does that deserve right.

 

 

 

 

Or is it I am simply pointing out the gigantic one she has driven in already? I'm the one living with the reality of what she has done. Its like she still lives in this fantasy world. She doesn't choose to come out even now and therefor continues to treat me the same as then. Even when she does try something its like if I don't dope on what a good try it was then I'm a bad person cause she tried. I am trying to communicate rationally with a person who lives their life irrationally..That's the problem..

 

You have to learn to communicate rationally....

 

 

 

 

You are correct 100% on that.. bad part is.. I'm the one trying to listen..as always..while I licking these huge wounds that she enjoyed giving me shes rubbing her bruises and telling me touch sht..cant take it back so youll just have to move on so I can have a future...

 

 

 

 

I again have never made her do anything! I not even trying to get her to stay.. She's asks me what she should do (because she doesn't have time to think for herself and needs instructions) and all ive even done is say..If it had been me these are the things I would have done if I did the exact same things you've done. Plan and simple..But MAKING HER do a damn thing..na I don't have that kind of want from her. Either she wants it more than she wanted him or not..I will not except less..I don't think any man who has been done this way would expect or take less.

 

 

 

 

Again, cant do anything when there is always only one person wanting to listen. Cant make her listen to me because when I do its always the same. She claims I always twist things around but the problem with this statement is totally incorrect. Once cant simply spill out feelings and then not expect the other to share there feelings either..Its a two way street and both have to listen and work on a solution..NOT hey..I feel this way and now that you know please shut up and do what ive told you to do about my problem. I don't have time to listen to yours..

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I could pick this apart piece by piece but look, you obviously see me as a person who pushed her with a lack of something.. The truth is its totally incorrect and even she has sat down and looked back at everything and admitted that. She has admitted that she caused the problems because of her views and refused to acknowledge what I was doing and trying for her. I have never at anytime in our marriage not been willing to take responsibility for anything I may have done wrong. Even when I did I would make sure to let her know that I was sorry for doing something wrong and make amends for it then.. I feel like I keep getting my butt handed to me for all this. That I had it coming sort to speak..I didn't listen, I didn't let her express her feelings..ect ect ect..But damn it..I DID!! every damn day..and even when I struggled each and every day I still held tight..What I feel now is that this is a lost cause..nothing Ive ever done with her was good enough even now..Im all out of trying with someone who half arses everything and thinks they can have their family back by doing so..Today Ive seen ive run out of patience for a person like that..I think maybe its my turn to get a break from reality like her and get some happiness for once..just let the wind take me where it goes and let her handle reality for awhile..see how that goes..bet not a single person would agree to me getting to do that..I have to sit and help her work on this crap sandwhich she's served me and like it..I'm such a lucky man...get the crap beating and kicked out of me and then expect to dress my own wounds because well I had it coming..

 

TH....now why did you twist this that i am saying you are the bad guy?

 

Damn...guy....Why do I even try? You have a chip on your shoulder the size of Texas....I aint your enemy for God's sake. I am trying to help you see where she is coming from and her to see where you are coming from and the two of you stop this stupid bickering.

 

When you yell and cuss at her...you most certainly are disrespecting her. Does she deserve it? YES..but is it going to help you guys? NO

 

Do you understand that?

 

I know she has killed you bud....I know it. But she hurts too...and what the two of you are doing to each other is nasty...just nasty.

 

If john and i had treated each other the way you two are...there would be no JOHN AND ABIGAIL.....

 

Look....I dont know if i am helping or not...but i sure wish the two of you would kiss and makeup...becasue i sure feel bad for your sweet little family. I probably want the two of you to stay together more than anyyone else on the forum right now. I just keep thinking about that little baby coming and i want him to come home to a mom and dad who love each other...not to a war zone.

 

You truly twisted what i said...and i kindof feel ruined's frustration here. You got your mind made up already...so nothing i can say will change it.

 

I wish you guys the best.....and i will keep you and your family in my prayers. You are going to need them. I am over and out.

[QuietDan]

There are a lot of long term relationship problems snd issues here... So many.... Pull on one string and you get a birds nest knot... Seems like you both are making comments and hinting at the sex problems and issue.

It sounds like the Erotic injury both of you two and the relationship is a very significant problem. Unfortunately, I am not sure there is anything that RML will ever be able to say or do that will ever be able to convince TH that any sexual desire or pleasure is honest, true, legitimate. Ruined my Love ... You pretty much proved in word, action, deeds, that you consider TH to be sexually inadequate for you as a woman.

At the very least, a sex therapist might be able to find a way to salvage any potential for a sex life that will work for both of you in the long run.

Tackle one problem at a time.

Stay focus on one problem at a time.

Take the knot apart one thread at a time.

[JS84]

I think the length of the affair, the trickle truth, the lies and the damage to OP's ego has done too much damage.

 

And just because she's pregnant doesn't mean you have to stay together. Honestly I think the child would be better off being born with two separated parents who co-parent responsibly, than two married parents in the same house filled with resentment, anger, and poor communication solely for the sake of the kids (disclaimer: I'm very against staying married just for the sake of the children). Especially if you just end up divorcing anyway down the road when the child is old enough to remember and have to deal with it.

 

As for your other children, I don't mean to sound cold, but they'll adjust if you guys split up. Eventually it will just become normal. What will affect them is how you guys handle splitting up. If you act like jackasses than that will damage them. But two parents in the same home doesn't automatically equal a happy and stable childhood.

 

And I say this as someone who would have been devastated at a younger age if my parents split, but by 17 was damn near trying to force my mother to file for divorce from my cheating father. While they got along well enough and still do my sister and I weren't stupid. They're still married though. And even now while I'm 32, if they got divorced I wouldn't discourage it.

 

I think it's been about 9 months since D-day for the OP. I'd recommend at this point trying to figure out whether you are willing to put forth all your efforts into reconciliation or start planning an exit strategy. Because right now it just sounds like you're both spinning your wheels and going absolutely nowhere healthy. And if you do bring a child into the world in that environment, you most likely won't be doing him/her any favors either.

[alsudduth]

I think the length of the affair, the trickle truth, the lies and the damage to OP's ego has done too much damage.

 

And just because she's pregnant doesn't mean you have to stay together. Honestly I think the child would be better off being born with two separated parents who co-parent responsibly, than two married parents in the same house filled with resentment, anger, and poor communication solely for the sake of the kids (disclaimer: I'm very against staying married just for the sake of the children). Especially if you just end up divorcing anyway down the road when the child is old enough to remember and have to deal with it.

 

As for your other children, I don't mean to sound cold, but they'll adjust if you guys split up. Eventually it will just become normal. What will affect them is how you guys handle splitting up. If you act like jackasses than that will damage them. But two parents in the same home doesn't automatically equal a happy and stable childhood.

 

And I say this as someone who would have been devastated at a younger age if my parents split, but by 17 was damn near trying to force my mother to file for divorce from my cheating father. While they got along well enough and still do my sister and I weren't stupid. They're still married though. And even now while I'm 32, if they got divorced I wouldn't discourage it.

 

I think it's been about 9 months since D-day for the OP. I'd recommend at this point trying to figure out whether you are willing to put forth all your efforts into reconciliation or start planning an exit strategy. Because right now it just sounds like you're both spinning your wheels and going absolutely nowhere healthy. And if you do bring a child into the world in that environment, you most likely won't be doing him/her any favors either.

 

Had to sign in just to like this. I honestly don't think this relationship can be salvaged.

[georgia girl]

I have stayed away from this thread because I didn't see any input doing any good. I doubt, therefore, what I have to say will do any good either.

 

Unfortunately, I don't think this relationship can be saved. There's too much anger and bitterness for reconciliation to work and I think a lot of the responses to both ruined and TH have only stoked TH's anger. The bashing of ruined and the "never forgive" messages from so many posters have not served this couple well. From what he writes, TH is engaging in emotional abuse. From what she writes, Ruined is near the end and I suspect will eventually walk away. No person can take that kind of barrage. Eventually, being called names, told you're not worthy and threatened with the security of your family is going to kill any remaining love for TH. There will be a point where it's just gone. And the sad part is, TH will be even more hurt and angry and will believe that this was bound to happen all along - that she just didn't love him enough. From what I read, she loves him a great deal to put up with what she's been putting up with, especially while pregnant.

 

All of this is to say that it's not like I'm whitewashing that she had an affair. She did and that was wrong. But, at this point, her husband is now just as wrong. My take on what she did was that she was completely emotionally overwhelmed and she escaped into the ultimate sexual fantasy of subjugation. The poster who said they would be doing it like rabbits had it been closer? My bet is that if he had lived closer there would be no affair. She was totally escaping, doing most of it over the phone so it wasn't real. She wasn't looking for love - she was trying to escape.

 

TH, I know that this feels like I attacked you and I'm sorry. I didn't do it to be mean. Instead, I did it to counteract all of the advice I see you getting which essentially validates all of your bitterness and anger. I really think the two of you are good people and could love each other well. But you BOTH need counselling individually. I'm not sure if marriage counselling could work yet. And you need to start moving on past this hurt. You need to start having good days. You need to start making some good memories and be kind to each other. Otherwise, please walk away. TH, I can't think you like yourself very much when you berate your wife; Ruined, I can't think you like yourself for what you did. Is this really worth it, guys?

 

If it is, listen to Mrs. John Adams.

[DKT3]

I have stayed away from this thread because I didn't see any input doing any good. I doubt, therefore, what I have to say will do any good either.

 

Unfortunately, I don't think this relationship can be saved. There's too much anger and bitterness for reconciliation to work and I think a lot of the responses to both ruined and TH have only stoked TH's anger. The bashing of ruined and the "never forgive" messages from so many posters have not served this couple well. From what he writes, TH is engaging in emotional abuse. From what she writes, Ruined is near the end and I suspect will eventually walk away. No person can take that kind of barrage. Eventually, being called names, told you're not worthy and threatened with the security of your family is going to kill any remaining love for TH. There will be a point where it's just gone. And the sad part is, TH will be even more hurt and angry and will believe that this was bound to happen all along - that she just didn't love him enough. From what I read, she loves him a great deal to put up with what she's been putting up with, especially while pregnant.

 

All of this is to say that it's not like I'm whitewashing that she had an affair. She did and that was wrong. But, at this point, her husband is now just as wrong. My take on what she did was that she was completely emotionally overwhelmed and she escaped into the ultimate sexual fantasy of subjugation. The poster who said they would be doing it like rabbits had it been closer? My bet is that if he had lived closer there would be no affair. She was totally escaping, doing most of it over the phone so it wasn't real. She wasn't looking for love - she was trying to escape.

 

TH, I know that this feels like I attacked you and I'm sorry. I didn't do it to be mean. Instead, I did it to counteract all of the advice I see you getting which essentially validates all of your bitterness and anger. I really think the two of you are good people and could love each other well. But you BOTH need counselling individually. I'm not sure if marriage counselling could work yet. And you need to start moving on past this hurt. You need to start having good days. You need to start making some good memories and be kind to each other. Otherwise, please walk away. TH, I can't think you like yourself very much when you berate your wife; Ruined, I can't think you like yourself for what you did. Is this really worth it, guys?

 

If it is, listen to Mrs. John Adams.

 

Maybe, but she still hasn't truly shown any remorse or genuinely​ done anything proactive. I can identify with TH. I was also very angry, I didn't have the verbal outburst but does that really matter? I felt what he feels....so I guess the message you're sending is hide your emotions and kiss your wayward wife's backside.

[BluesPower]

Folks I just don't get it...

 

These ladies (and maybe some men) the are bashing TH, and yes it is bashing, about his name calling and anger, could any of you just get real.

 

I know some women also freak out when they find out their husband has had and affair.

 

Ruined on the other hand sounds overall like a selfish spoilt brat. She is so upset because she is being called names.

 

And yes ladies, if they were local they would have been screwing like rabbits every single time they could time to meet somewhere. This affair was real even if some of it or most of it was online. And you can bet your bottom dollar that if she had not been caught it would still be continuing.

 

What about that makes her some kind of special snowflake? What man in his right mind would consider taking back a woman that did that for 18 months until caught? She has so far, been completely unremorseful and apparently she expects TH to just move on and live happily ever after.

 

I am frankly stunned with some of the things that mostly the females are saying. And to an extent even Mrs. JA.

 

Listen, it does not work that way, and it never will. This man provided his wife as much as anyone could want. She got bored, unappreciative, and checked out of the marriage, but she forgot to tell TH. I am not saying that men never do this, but it seems a lot more common that women, get bored and restless and pull this kind of stuff.

 

I think TH has, and still has because of her ambivalence toward him, her affair, and the damage that she has done, every right to be completely angry and pissed off.

 

Good grief...