Trying to understand wife's [past] affair

[Texashunter]

I've appreciated a lot of the methods given..been a very hit miss kind of thing. My belief in her is and will always be a major obstacle..there have been some suggestions that have changed the way I've been thinking some. Just hard accepting because of how brutal she was to me.

[Texashunter]

But I know at some point I will have to make a move

[Mrs. John Adams]

no, trying to figure it all out and see if and how I can work past things while keeping my children's world some what normal. If things go south at least I can make the move with a little less stress. I do need to get my anger under control but the way she talks at times makes it very difficult.

 

tell me...what is it you are hoping is going to change? What are you hoping is going to get better?

 

You know that the only person you can control is YOU....so the changes you want to see...either have to come from you...or you walk.

 

You seem to want some kind of miracle...that tomorrow everything is going to be ok.

 

It isn't. This is your life forever. You will always be reminded...she will always say stupid things...you will always get mad....becaseu this is who the two of you are.

 

So tell me TH...what is it you are expecting to change?

 

John still triggers....I still say stupid things. This is our life. The affair is forever a part of our dynamics as a couple.

 

So I guess I am still just trying to figure out what you think is going to change and how it is going to change.

 

Yes things get better...yes things calm down. But she is not changing and neither are you. So can you live with that?

[Texashunter]

I'm just trying to ease the anger at this point..I don't look to the future anymore...there isn't much of one or at least one a care for. Just wanna focus on the baby. Change..there will be no change just less anger.

[Mrs. John Adams]

So you have resolved yourself to work on you....which is the RIGHT thing to do...and i am happy to see that you have made this decision.

 

Ruined has to make this same kind of committment. She has to work on herself. She has to learn to filter the thoughtless and insensitive things she says that set you off. She needs to help you feel safe.

 

If you work on yourselves...ultimately you are also working on the relationship.

[BluesPower]

TH and everyone, help me understand...

 

I am going to go with the group and tacitly agree that TH has to get his anger under control. And he needs to get a handle on his depression even if it requires meds, whether he likes it or not. So OK.

 

What I just cannot understand is where is Ruined in all of this. Her posts, while brave, reek of selfishness, entitlement, lack of anything approaching remorse, and a general lack of understanding about what she is done and how she should be feeling and acting.

 

Pregnant or not, she has to do the heavy lifting and I am just not seeing it.

 

Am I missing something or not understanding something???

 

I am just asking...

[DKT3]

TH and everyone, help me understand...

 

I am going to go with the group and tacitly agree that TH has to get his anger under control. And he needs to get a handle on his depression even if it requires meds, whether he likes it or not. So OK.

 

What I just cannot understand is where is Ruined in all of this. Her posts, while brave, reek of selfishness, entitlement, lack of anything approaching remorse, and a general lack of understanding about what she is done and how she should be feeling and acting.

 

Pregnant or not, she has to do the heavy lifting and I am just not seeing it.

 

Am I missing something or not understanding something???

 

I am just asking...

Nope, that's how I see it as well. Here is the thing, I thought TH was done, then well maybe not, but after his last few posts yeah it's cooked. In a matter of weeks or few months he will be comfortable with the idea of her being gone. Judging from his posts, he will hang around while she is pregnant. Ruined isn't being proactive, I'm guessing she is still not letting go of the other guy still not sure she really wants to deal with the damage. Even with that, TH appears to not have it in him to get past it.....can't knock him for that, it's a deal breaker for him he just hasn't admitted it to himself yet.

[ruined_my_love]

I am here. I am done with AP and have been. I know that what I did was worse than wrong and I am more than sorry for all of it. I am sorry that I have hurt my husband and my family. I am here, every day, listening and talking with my husband. Answering his questions. Of course he doesn't like the answers. He fights me and argues with me on all points. After days and days, yes, I get frustrated. But I am being patient. I am trying so hard. I don't mean to complain. I really don't. I'm only trying to get across that I am trying, I am apologizing every day, I am feeling and showing remorse. How do you convey these things on a forum like this. You are not sitting with us in our backyard every day. You are not reading the text messages going back and forth all day. I love this man and I hate what I've done to him. I know I can't expect my apologies to get a positive response. It's all negative because that's how I've made him feel. That's what I've done to him. Can someone help me understand though - what can I do? What is it you want to see? From what I have read, I was already showing must of the signs of true remorse, even before I read about it. What do you do when the other person will not see it? I think I should be patient, be consistent, be loving and caring. And that is what I have been doing. If that is wrong, someone please correct me. TH writes on here to get his feelings out. And his feelings are of pain, anger, confusion and hurt. I hate what I've done to him and I wish I could take it back. Unfortunate I can't. And so here we are, facing it head on every day.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I am here. I am done with AP and have been. I know that what I did was worse than wrong and I am more than sorry for all of it. I am sorry that I have hurt my husband and my family. I am here, every day, listening and talking with my husband. Answering his questions. Of course he doesn't like the answers. He fights me and argues with me on all points. After days and days, yes, I get frustrated. But I am being patient. I am trying so hard. I don't mean to complain. I really don't. I'm only trying to get across that I am trying, I am apologizing every day, I am feeling and showing remorse. How do you convey these things on a forum like this. You are not sitting with us in our backyard every day. You are not reading the text messages going back and forth all day. I love this man and I hate what I've done to him. I know I can't expect my apologies to get a positive response. It's all negative because that's how I've made him feel. That's what I've done to him. Can someone help me understand though - what can I do? What is it you want to see? From what I have read, I was already showing must of the signs of true remorse, even before I read about it. What do you do when the other person will not see it? I think I should be patient, be consistent, be loving and caring. And that is what I have been doing. If that is wrong, someone please correct me. TH writes on here to get his feelings out. And his feelings are of pain, anger, confusion and hurt. I hate what I've done to him and I wish I could take it back. Unfortunate I can't. And so here we are, facing it head on every day.

 

Ruined...you are not showing remorse. You are showing you are sorry....you are showing you are regretful and sad.

 

As long as you are concentrating on your hurt and pain...you cannot begin to understand his. You are not even close to that yet. Dont despair....it takes a long time.

 

You are still thinking about you....and until you can completely and totally focus on him...you are not there. You probably wont even understand what i am talking about.

 

You have to think about the things you say...you have to help him when he triggers. You have to be completely and totally honest. You have to be patient.You have to move toward him and help him instead of fighting with him and argueing with him...

 

It is up to you to make him feel safe. It is up to you to make him feel loved. It is up to you to alleviate any reason for him to doubt your honesty, your boundaries, your transparency....

 

This is hard work...and you have to give it 100% ...and stop complaining about it. You are the one who created this mess...it is up to you to fix it.

 

You whine and complain and are combative....you are still thinking about poor pitiful you instead of dear god what have i done to yout TH and how can I help you feel better.

 

It is VERY obvious to all of us who are reading that you do not get it.

[Cephalopod]

I give Remorse credit for the little sorrow and sadness she has shown because, for me personally, I never got even that much with my xWW.

 

If you want to talk about a remorseless, cold-hearted, snake of a wayward, I offer my xWW as an example. She wasn't sorry one bit for cheating on me with multiple partners. Ten years later I have yet to get anything resembling an apology from her.

 

If my xWW had shown a quarter of what Remorse has shown, I probably would have given R a chance.

[DKT3]

I agree 100% with Mrs JA.

 

Another thing, it seems you have an expectation that TH should believe you...it's the whole yesterday I was lying but today I'm telling the truth logic. Problem is yesterday is all he has to go on.

 

I told you earlier in the thread what you can do. TH does not know what he needs, it's his first time on this ride. But once he gets caught it from you he will.

 

Those of us that rode the ride have an idea what he needs from you. Safety, comfort and reassurance that he is making the right decision by staying. You are not getting it done. Like Mrs JA said, your focus is still mostly on how this is impacting your feeling and emotions. As long as you are there he can't accept the few small things you've done.

 

I love you...what does that mean to him? Nothing, think of how many times you said that after or before you had sex with another man.

 

I want to be here, what's his proof? I'm sure your behavior has made him feel like " will I guess I still have my husband".

 

You have a shot and you're blowing. Stop with the words they mean nothing, start with something tangible.

[QuietDan]

Ruined, I suppose one issue that comes to mind is are you looking at how it changed you? Do you recognize all of the things it revealed about you? How do you incorporate those changes into something that can be good and positive?

Are you working on finding and creating unique experiences with TH that are unique and special to the two of you in the here and now? How do you get to that point? What obstacles do you bring to the situation that is getting in the way? Remember small acts of kindness...

[S2B]

What can you do? Ruined, why not write us out a list of things you COUKD consider doing to repair the damage you've caused?

 

Just start a list here...a brainstorming exercise you may consider taking action on to change things...?

[Overtaxed]

Stop with the words they mean nothing, start with something tangible.

 

Big snip, not because the OP wasn't good, it was very good, but this is the part that needs to be repeated. Over and over and over again. Ruined, nothing you say will mean anything to this man. I know; I'm right there with him, my dday was very close to his. And this is generally true for men in general, words are very cheap to us, even more so when we've learned that the other person is willing to use them to twist/manipulate.

 

Actions. Your actions are what matters. Read that, absorb it, and live it if you want to fix this marriage (which, happy note, does appear to be fixable). I'll pull out some specific examples from what I've seen, but, most recently my W's AP reached out to a close friend, likely to try to get a message to my W. I had NO WAY to know this, the communication was totally outside any lines that I'd ever be able to see. My wife told me 30 seconds after she got off the phone with her friend (who was the person the AP contacted). 30 seconds. She didn't hesitate. She didn't sugar coat it. She didn't spend the night to think it over. She hung up the phone, we finished paying at the store, and she told me. That's an action. That's a HUGE action, that's the stuff that we (guys) look at and say "this person wants me to feel safe again, they want the AP out of their lives, they want to build something new". The big (very big) action you've taken is coming here and posting. That's huge, it's a big step, and I commend you for it. But keep it up. Everything TH does, do more of it. If he's a reader and been tearing through books to fix the A, read all the books he does and another one or two for good measure. If he's gotten himself to an IC and goes weekly, ask for MC, and get yourself an IC going twice a week. If he's not being nice to you, show him how nice you can be to him, let him walk on you if need be to fix the pain. If he's like me and wants to discuss what happened, don't wait for him to bring it up, talk to him; tell him you want to feel his pain, and let him get it out. Be an open book with him, work harder than he does, and stop thinking that any portion of the A was justified, good, or in any way the other guy's fault. Might he have pursued you? Yeah, he probably did. It's still 100% your fault. What you did to TH is on you, the OM had no reason to love and cherish the bond you have with him, or to even have a shred of respect for TH. It's on you, it was not his fault, it wasn't the OM's fault, it was yours. When you start to internalize that message, and you start to work harder than he is to fix things, I'm pretty confident that TH will be back here saying "Things are going well, having some hiccups, worried about XYZ, still in pain over X". But you know what he's not going to say? Ruined has to go, she's a bad wife and I can't see myself living with her.

 

He wants to love you. It screams out in his posts. He's terrified of the person you've shown him you can be, and you need to do a TON of work to fix that. But, just speaking from what I've seen here, and what I've personally experienced, men who come here looking for help aren't typically here to find a divorce lawyer. They are here to figure out why, how, and once they know that, to see if they can process it, accept it and still love their wives (same, I'm sure, is true for women, I just can't speak to that personally).

 

You don't want to read? You don't want to post? You don't want to build a timeline? You don't want to make him feel safe (whatever that means to him)? Then you don't want this marriage as much as he does, and you really should move on. Note, that list above is very variable, some BS's want some things, some want others. But if he wants it, and it's really going to help him heal, it's not something ridiculous, what is stopping you? Do what he asks, help the man heal, and, if things are truly unreasonable or he's asking too much, bow out of the marriage gracefully. I don't think that he's going to do that, I really don't, as I said above, what I read from his posts are 100% clear; the man loves you to death, you shattered his world, and he's not sure how to put it back together. Help him and I can almost promise you, the pieces will start to fall into place. But blame shifting, justifying, downplaying your actions in the A? None of that is helping, not even a little bit. Making yourself the victim, the reason people jumped all over you is because, you are NOT the victim here. I think you're starting to get that, I do, and I don't want to harp on it, but this man, from what he said and you've said, didn't do anything to deserve this. And you did a lot of things to deserve him walking out the door and yet, he's still there. His actions are telling you perhaps what his words aren't, but, end of the day, take it for what it is; a man who loves you and wants to take you back, wants to fix things and wants to live a happy life together with this behind him/you.

[Texashunter]

Problem is your asking something from someone who doesn't try to fix anything. Before the affair she talked about us working in things but she didn't really put any effort into it. Much so if the results were not to her expectations. This went on for years. Then like everything else the affair came and so now she really didn't have a reason to try because well she was getting everything she wanted. When he dumped her she once again found herself in a marriage she didn't want or even work for. So she remained the same thinking it would just magically work itself out. Which she had been saying and doing for years. Now, now that she was confronted with everything she changed just like someone hitting a switch..which to me is total BS but what do I know. I'm just the idiot who didn't know anything..so she thought..that well he didn't know so all is good in her life. To me and I've been saying this all this time is it's like she wants me to fix it..to guide her..and is that her really doing the work? Why does all of it lay on my shoulders? Why should I be the one trying to figure out ways to fix this? I did nothing to cause this..I was the one trying and putting forth the effort to try to save a failed marriage that was masterminded by her hands..So I'm tired..tired of trying only to get paid for my efforts like this. She didn't hold our marriage, our history, love or our children as anything special or even worth to work for. Her inability to use her mind to try to figure out ways to fix us and truly bust her butt for once to work for this marriage is pathetic. But I'm the one who is told that I just don't understand and blah blah blah..

 

I worked..I worked hard for this marriage and tried many ways to try to get to her and show her how much she and this marriage meant to me. But it always falls on deaf ears..when is enough enough? When can I lay down to catch my breath and take a break..I'm not greedy like her..I wanted this marriage to mean something true and real..but guess I was the only one who felt the need to stay focused and but her and my children first..

[Texashunter]

Ive given more than my fair share and then some to this marriage. I did this all because I believed her and felt it was worth it to me. But now I've received my just rewards for all my hard work and sacrifices..I can't offer anything more to her that she hasn't either used up or given away to the other man. All I have are my children and instead of focusing my efforts into to her I choose my kids. Give what she didn't want or care for all to them only. If she wants it so badly now, well she's going to have to do the work for once and prove that this is truly what she wants and loves more than anything else.

[Overtaxed]

Problem is your asking something from someone who doesn't try to fix anything. Before the affair she talked about us working in things but she didn't really put any effort into it. Much so if the results were not to her expectations. This went on for years. Then like everything else the affair came and so now she really didn't have a reason to try because well she was getting everything she wanted. When he dumped her she once again found herself in a marriage she didn't want or even work for. So she remained the same thinking it would just magically work itself out. Which she had been saying and doing for years. Now, now that she was confronted with everything she changed just like someone hitting a switch..which to me is total BS but what do I know. I'm just the idiot who didn't know anything..so she thought..that well he didn't know so all is good in her life. To me and I've been saying this all this time is it's like she wants me to fix it..to guide her..and is that her really doing the work? Why does all of it lay on my shoulders? Why should I be the one trying to figure out ways to fix this? I did nothing to cause this..I was the one trying and putting forth the effort to try to save a failed marriage that was masterminded by her hands..So I'm tired..tired of trying only to get paid for my efforts like this. She didn't hold our marriage, our history, love or our children as anything special or even worth to work for. Her inability to use her mind to try to figure out ways to fix us and truly bust her butt for once to work for this marriage is pathetic. But I'm the one who is told that I just don't understand and blah blah blah..

 

I worked..I worked hard for this marriage and tried many ways to try to get to her and show her how much she and this marriage meant to me. But it always falls on deaf ears..when is enough enough? When can I lay down to catch my breath and take a break..I'm not greedy like her..I wanted this marriage to mean something true and real..but guess I was the only one who felt the need to stay focused and but her and my children first..

 

I hear you TH, more so than you will probably ever know, because, I was right there. I sat awake at night right after dday reading books, blog posts, asking for help here, looking at timelines, trying to figure things out. And, asked myself, over and over, WTF am I doing? Why am I reading so much? Why am I trying to see what she needs? Why am I working on this so hard? The answer, of course, for both of us is the same; "I love her". Problem is, coming out of the A, the wife is really in a fog. I know this is a ridiculous excuse, but, in some ways, it's not an excuse, it's the truth. They might even really want to do whatever your asking, but they just can't get their head screwed on straight. Think of the guy who can't put down the bottle. He wakes up every morning thinking "I'm not going to get drunk today" and then, yup, goes to bed drunk. Is it fair that everyone around that person has to clean up the mess that his drunken antics bring on them? Nope, not at all. Is it reasonable to expect them to clean up their own mess? Not while they are drinking, and not while they are fresh in recovery, sadly, it's still on all the sober people around them to fix things for them. Yes, it's enabling. But we all do it, we do it for people we love, even when they are blackout drunk and screaming at us at 4AM.

 

So, that said, it's clear that she needs to do more. She does, I'm not saying that your asking too much, not at all. My W is very similar, let things drift, don't confront them directly, they will pass. Thing is, you and I both know, this WON'T just pass. If you don't confront it directly, it will just be another day of pain for you. Are we asking too much? Probably. But they have to do "too much" to help us heal. I think it was in this thread, but think of the effort they had to go through to plan and execute the A. The time spent talking to the AP, the time spent planning meetings, the actual time of the meeting. All that time, they were happy to spend on the other person; I can almost promise you, it's a lot more time than your asking from her to help you fix the A.

 

Here's what I think. She'll get there in time. A lot of people, when they are less active partner in a marriage, are really stunned when suddenly something so important becomes entirely their responsibility. I suspect your wife is like this, you handled everything, now, suddenly, her entire life is in her hands; everything valuable to her is up in the air based on her actions. I suspect it's a very uncomfortable position for her to be in; she's waiting for you to tell her what to do, but, of course, that's not what you want. You want her to figure it out for herself, you want her to seek out the answers and the things you need. And that's probably completely opposite how your relationship has worked to date. Does it mean your wrong in wanting it? No, it doesn't, because, as a WS, they've shown they can do it, A's don't just happen, the WS has to plan, decide how to do it, and then execute on that plan. But, absent that period, I suspect this is new territory for her in many ways.

[Texashunter]

I appreciate your time and thoughts..last few days there have been some post that have spoken to me and seems like I'm not the only one who feels and sees things this way..Mever in my life have I been so lost and unsure of absolute everything..my meaning, my thoughts and heart seem so damn lost to be honest. Like I feel numb and incapable of making any clear choices or to even really even know what I want anymore..it's like when I think about itnmymmind draws a blank..it's crazy to believe that I once loved someone so much that I could be reduced into absolute nothing and void of feeling anything other than the most pain I've ever felt in my life..I lay at night and watch her sleep thinking what was it about me that was never going to be enough to make her happy..what didn't I try..I know one can't blame their self but I question everything..even myself..the biggest failure in my life was what I held dear to me and was what drove me everyday..my marriage..but her giving herself to another man the way she did and without question is something I believe I can never get over..and will be the very thing that ends me as I know it.

Edited June 13, 2017 by Texashunter
Word correction

[DKT3]

I appreciate your time and thoughts..last few days there have been some post that have spoken to me and seems like I'm not the only one who feels and sees things this way..Mever in my life have I been so lost and unsure of absolute everything..my meaning, my thoughts and heart seem so damn lost to be honest. Like I feel numb and incapable of making any clear choices or to even really even know what I want anymore..it's like when I think about itnmymmind draws a blank..it's crazy to believe that I once loved someone so much that I could be reduced into absolute nothing and void of feeling anything other than the most pain I've ever felt in my life..I lay at night and watch her sleep thinking what was it about me that was never going to be enough to make her happy..what didn't I try..I know one can't blame their self but I question everything..even myself..the biggest failure in my life was what I held dear to me and was what drove me everyday..my marriage..but her giving herself to another man the way she did and without question is something I believe I can never get over..and will be the very thing that ends me as I know it.

 

The confusion is because you're fighting what's best for you in this moment for what you believe can be...been there brother. Everything​in you is saying fly, but you stay, stay in the hopes that she will give you the magic answer that would make it worth it.

 

From what I've seen so far it's not there.

 

She speaks about us here not knowing what is going on in your marriage, what you two talk about in the backyard....but we do, you are here in a great deal of pain so whatever she is doing.....it's not working.

 

With that being said, you have to work towards getting to a place where you are willing to accept progress, it won't be fast, she was in deep and I'm guessing with the right circumstances she would have been long gone with the other guy.

 

Like it or not, she will have to come to terms with what she has done first. The problem is she has no real incentives too. Your still there fighting for the marriage. Forget that, focus your efforts on your kids your self the dog, anything but her. Like I've said to her words mean nothing right now, both of you are blowing smoke up the others backside and running in place. You for fear of the unknown, her because she is buying time. Waiting for you to no be angry so you can to back to being the cuckolded babysitting wallet with legs.

 

Harsh? Absolutely, define insanity...

[Texashunter]

I do like she is on my thread because she can see that my feels are real and that I don't just express myself this way. That other know where I'm at and how I feel because they have been through it as well. I also like that she can read and explain herself and her actions. That maybe she will what she is doing and what's she's done to correct it. I wish she was more active and respond to items that I feel she is better at addressing. In ways I'd hoped she would open up and take things a little more serious if she saw people reactions to what she did and how she is handling it. I wait to see action and movement by her. But even I have a limit on my time..I've wasted so much on her and really don't want to throw away anymore.

[Sparta]

Cannot wait to see her respond to your last three post.? He is telling it like it is... I mean I don't think she can backpedal on this one she claimed she wanted this marriage just as much as he does. As most of us knows when dealing with wayward's you can't even trust one word they're telling you.! their actions speaks so loudly we can't even hear what you're saying.! What she seems to be staying doesn't match up with her actions. This is unfortunate, I truly feel sorry for you TH...

[honeytomb]

I have wanted to comment a few times but your thread is what finally made me sign up for LS.

 

It sounds like you know what you need to do, but you are afraid to move forward.

 

You have every right to be angry, but one of you has to be the bigger person, and frankly it doesn't seem like that is going to be your wife considering she lied to you continuously and didn't admit to the affair. The fact is, the reasons behind her actions will not change her actions or what they did to you. You can question all day, but as another poster said, there is no "magic answer". Her cheating was not really about you at all. This seems to upset you but there is a strange comfort in that if you can find it.

 

If you are truly going to try to continue building a marriage with her, then you need to do that for you and her. Start seeing the affair as something she did, not who she is. You don't have to pretend it never happened, but you do need to forgive, stop punishing her, and work on letting go if you wish to move forward in a healthy way. That means listening and speaking to each other in a respectful way. No name calling and frankly I would take yelling off the table as it may feel good in the moment but, as you have found, it is not constructive. Take your anger out on a punching bag. Put words to paper through poetry or stream-of-consciousness style writing. (Write down everything you are angry about until you can't come up with anything else. Right now you probably couldn't physically write it all out without your hand going numb. To start, you can simply set a timer for 15-20 minutes a day and write with abandon. I know it seems impossible, but one day in the very distant future you will have trouble filling up the time.)

 

If you can't or won't forgive her, that is okay. You are the only one here who sees her and interacts with her to know if she is truly remorseful. It is your call as to whether she is deserving. If not, don't stay married to her. You will continue to struggle back and forth as you have in this thread and you will not be saving yourselves or your children any grief in the long run, you will just be prolonging it. Children listen when you think they cannot hear and are extremely perceptive. This is not a good example of marriage or how men and women (or human beings) should treat each other. From many of your posts, it seems as though you stand a much better chance at being successful co-parents living separately than trying to make your marriage work to the detriment of everyone involved.

 

Your posts from June 11th are the first in which I have seen even a glimmer of love or peace (and I read every one.) Regardless of whether you decide to stay together, you and she need to do individual work as other posters have suggested. She should be in IC and hopefully she is being honest with herself and her counselor, but that is not something you can know or control.

 

For you, you have stated that you have PTSD and difficulty controlling your emotions, and it shows. I don't necessarily think you have to be on meds, but you do need to work on balancing yourself. Eat healthy (I recommend doing some cleanses as this can help a lot with emotions/hormones) and keep going to the gym. Also, meditation and zen. It can fill a spiritual void while still allowing you to focus on you and helps with acceptance and letting go. Short meditations and the book "Everyday Zen" is a good, easy way to start.

 

Best of luck, TH. I hope you will find something tangible to use from my post. You sound strong and I think if you get your mind in the right place, you can overcome these hurdles and move forward in whichever way you choose.

[Unforseen]

There are those times and days that come up. Every thought that passes through your head tears at your soul and pulls yet another piece of it away until you are empty and dead inside. All hope fades into the ashes of what the marriage once was, the trust and love and compassion you once believed in. The dream that you thought you were living turns out to be a nightmare that you cannot escape. Every damn thing that meant something to you about your wife has turned out to be meaningless lies. The vows you took so deeply to heart turned out to be meaningless to her. The trust that was built up over the years shattered into nothingness where even the most innocent action that she might make causes you to question her and even not believe her answers. It is a bleak and desolate place, sir.

 

Nothing feels right. Nothing ever feels like it will be right again. She so desperately wants to just move on and go forward and forget that every part of your life was shattered. And yet there is a small seed of truth in that. Nothing will ever be the same. Yet here is a chance, a slim possibility that it doesn't mean the end for you two. If you can still see that the chance exists and are able to believe that there could be a future where all of your pain and misery can become less and slowly fade into the background then there is still some hope remaining. All of this will take time, years even. And there will be few things in life more difficult or stressful for you. It is a risky investment of your time and energy. There's no question about it. But the potential gains may make that risk worth it. You two have built a life together and have been working to raise a wonderful family. Yes, she tore that relationship and the closeness apart for her own desires and selfishness. She can also help to rebuild it though.

 

If Ruined has any bit of humanity in her then she is suffering immensely and is scared and confused and ashamed. None of us are there to see her actions or hear her word to you but I would like to think that she is putting forth effort to help you heal and desperately wants to help you move forwards from your place of pain. Right now it may only be because that would make her pain less. I hope that in time that will shift into only a desire to help you heal because she feels your pain so acutely. But right now she is very likely stuck in her shame and feels like her actions have marked her as a horrible person who is completely unworthy of love or acceptance or that she has no chance to belong as your wife ever again. That is a devastating place for her to be and she might feel like there is nothing that she could possibly do to help you because she is unfit and not good enough.

 

As loving and compassionate a man as it sounds like you are, it probably hurts you a little to see her suffering. That feeling is probably buried deep below all the anger and pain and loss that she has caused in your life. That is okay right now. What you are struggling to deal with is ridiculously overwhelming and affects every single aspect of your life. But keep a hold of that thought: She is hurting too. At first it feels good to know that. It's what she deserves. But as your pain and anger slowly let up, your knowledge that she is suffering also will come closer to the surface. That is also okay. As she moves from guilt towards remorse and starts showing you that she is putting everything into reconciliation you will need to draw on that knowledge that she is hurting to be able to reach out to her and help lift her from her shame. To help her see that while she did horrible things, she is not a horrible person. Reaching out to her to help her and empathize with her pain will show her how loving you are and that you see the chance to rebuild your marriage with her and that will inspire her to respect you for being the husband and father that you are.

[Texashunter]

Let add my fathers stroke he's had today to the mix..can life get any better than this..

[aileD]

I'm sorry to hear about your father. Everything seems to happen all at once doesn't it? Just try to deal with one thing at a time. Prayers to you.