Trying to understand wife's [past] affair

[BuddyX]

Two numbers that stick out; 3 and 18. It only took her 3 days for sex and 18 months for the affair to continue.

 

In regards to the first number. It's either your marriage dynamic was off and she needed some lovin. Or she's really messed up in the head. Wives/moms don't jeopardize their relationships like this. Something deeper is at work here. Find out.

 

18. Hmm. That's a long time to say it was a "fling" and "I was in a fog". Remember, trips, hotels, meetups. All these things take time and effort.

[merrmeade]

I am trying to make decision with a clear mind..not for her but for me and for my kids..don't get me wrong..

... way too clear, or rather, too intellectual - in my opinion.

 

Texas, you've used almost every post to explain, explain, explain why your wife did this and that. Almost every post has been about her. You have an almost clinical objectivity about what she did and that, honey, (sorry - also from Texas) is going to be your undoing. Lot of us have been on here some years and it's universally agreed that you HAVE to give your emotions their time. So the fact that you're so all-fired rational and clear-headed has me fearful for your mental health. That military self-discipline is not a strength here. You need to try not to control your feelings. Anger doesn't have to be taken out on somebody, but if you don't let it out - and the grief - now, I promise it will NOT go away until you do. And when that happens, it will be harder to express it in acceptable ways.

 

There are SO many feelings in the beginning that you have to just watch as they express themselves. Don't try to bury and move on. Don't try to do anything. Just feel them.

[magnesium]

OP,

 

I am truly sorry for what you are going through right now.

 

Right now, listen to EVERYONE on this thread, because your brain/mind is still processing everything; you cant think clearly yet about the enormity of this betrayal, let alone think about what next steps to take to protect yourself and your children.

 

Given enough time, you will see it all very clearly, you will see the truth of everything. You will learn to trust yourself again eventually, and you will agree with what everyone in this thread is recommending to you.

[BluesPower]

Yes what magnesium said and of course what everyone else said.

 

Now first off, you could, possibly, be right about everything that you are thinking and posting. Not a very strong possibility of it, but it is a possibility.

 

With all of your military training, you deal with the strategic and the tactical issues of a war situation. Not very emotional in the thinking until it happens for real. And in some ways you are taught to put your emotions aside because of what you have to do as a soldier.

 

But this entire situation is emotional, it is about emotions that no one ever wants to have.

 

You seem to believe everything that you wife is telling you. Why? She lied to you for 18 months while she was having sex with another man. Does logic dictate that she would not lie to you to keep her marriage and family together?

 

Why wouldn't she. I mean what has she go to lose. You really have no rational reason to believe anything that she says. She is a proven betrayer.

 

I believe that you are in a VERY long period of denial about everything that your wife has done. I really don't think that you know the full extent of the betrayal that has been perpetrated on you.

 

Somehow, maybe over time, you need to get to a different mind set than where you are now. I am not sure how to get you there, but I can tell you that you are not where you think you are in your own mind.

 

Be ready for that switch to go off and your head be in a really hard place where you cannot avoid the actual emotions that will inevitably hit you like a ton of bricks.

 

Stay strong...

[Just a Guy]

Hi Texas, since you were in the Military I want to ask you a question. Would you want to have your wife by your side assuming she was a soldier, while going into battle knowing that she could ditch you under enemy fire? If you think you could then I guess you can remain married to her and have her in your life with no regrets. Just think about it. Warm wishes.

Edited February 27, 2017 by Just a Guy

[Jersey born raised]

What are you doing about your PTSD? I recently read a thread by a poster who served in the first gulf war. He realized that it had effected a great deal of his life, both for the better and worse. Note the part of "better". Yet it had left his marriage vulnerable to adultery by his wife which occurred a year or so ago. He never confused the adultery with the issue though and this is critical. The adultery was solely on the wife, not him. The PTSD was his on his side of the street. He is dealing with it, and his family is helpful.

[merrmeade]

You seem to believe everything that you wife is telling you. Why? She lied to you for 18 months while she was having sex with another man. Does logic dictate that she would not lie to you to keep her marriage and family together?

 

Why wouldn't she. I mean what has she go to lose. You really have no rational reason to believe anything that she says. She is a proven betrayer.

 

I believe that you are in a VERY long period of denial about everything that your wife has done. I really don't think that you know the full extent of the betrayal that has been perpetrated on you.

 

Somehow, maybe over time, you need to get to a different mind set than where you are now. I am not sure how to get you there, but I can tell you that you are not where you think you are in your own mind.

 

Be ready for that switch to go off and your head be in a really hard place where you cannot avoid the actual emotions that will inevitably hit you like a ton of bricks.

 

Stay strong...

Very important point about the wife. The reason you come across this way, TH, is that you report everything she did - which is, in fact, only what she SAID she did - as information, true history. You ditched your skeptical mindset that should look for corroboration for reported events and timelines and remain questioning until that'd done.

 

Pardon me if you already did that and just didn't bother to explain. Reasonable but you can surely see what we're saying is also reasonable. Verify the things that matter even if it's just logical sequence of events within the chronology. This is so when you say you know, you really do. Or if you're going to accept her timeline because you feel she's proven her credibility (although many believe that only a polygraph can do that if for no other reason than it often gets them to confess in advance).

[Giacomo67]

your WW reminds me of my EXWW...... once i caught her she suddendly was full of regret. even to this day is trying to win me back- no luck!

 

I think that you should do a mind-reset..... 180 for you and nc on her. Its not easy with 3 kid's (i have 2) but for now you need to find a new balance with yourself and with your kids, and start doing things for yourself (hobby's, sports or gym) and them (parks, cinema, games, etc)

You need to detatch completly from your WW also in order to feel that even if you D. all will be ok.

If I was you, besides doing the above, i would also start the D. process. It could always be blocked if you wish, but it certainly help gaining back some self respect at the least.....

[fenix]

Your wife expended the 1.5 years banging the OM... she can't tell you that it was only excitement...

 

When you get served a $hit sandwich you have two choices, you eat it or your throw it away... I can't imagine why are you eating yours.

 

The idea of the wife that you had doesn't exist, it was a facade, that same woman was the one that was cheating on you without any kind of remorse. If you would have not caught her she probably would be still banging the OM.

 

And by they way, if I would be you I would not believe one word of what she says, she is in damage control mode and she is (as you have already learned) a very good lair!

 

Good luck with what ever you decide to do but man you have to have stomach to eat this sandwich...

[Texashunter]

I have been talking with the OM wife and she has confirmed a lot of things. She saw the pics and read the bulk of the emails. Sex wise there was only 3 instances of actual contact with them as he did live in another stat and the first two instance only happened because he was close by. The trip to Arizona she did on her own to see if the sex could be better..the fact that after the Arizona trip that she still wanted to have sex with him but no longer was going to put effort to make it happen still sucks hard. I believe had he lived closer there would have been a lot more. I also have let her read the forums as a lot of thing some have said are exactly how I've felt and keep questioning her about. Seeing that I'm not the only person who says this seems to ring true in her ear. After reading the forums today she texted me this.

 

I recognize that what some of these people are saying is true - I am a proven liar and I have betrayed you in the worst way possible. You should be skeptical and not just believe everything that comes out of my mouth. And I don't feel that you do. I understand that. But these people do it know us. I am not lying to you. I do it want to hurt you again. You are an amazing man, father and husband and I hate myself for what I've done. I fully regret it. I want with my entire being to be able to make it up to you, somehow. I was so wrong about you, about us and about myself.

 

Reading you all comments does help me stay grounded and question everything she has to say. That part I have not changed but I've even stepped up the pressure to have her address this things. I guess what I'm saying is that I'm not simply just taking her word or rolling over. That's far from it...to put it this way..there is no free pass for her and certainly people have to pay for their action..I continue to look forward to you all advise and responses and appreciate that support.

[fenix]

I have been talking with the OM wife and she has confirmed a lot of things. She saw the pics and read the bulk of the emails. Sex wise there was only 3 instances of actual contact with them as he did live in another stat and the first two instance only happened because he was close by. The trip to Arizona she did on her own to see if the sex could be better..the fact that after the Arizona trip that she still wanted to have sex with him but no longer was going to put effort to make it happen still sucks hard. I believe had he lived closer there would have been a lot more. I also have let her read the forums as a lot of thing some have said are exactly how I've felt and keep questioning her about. Seeing that I'm not the only person who says this seems to ring true in her ear. After reading the forums today she texted me this.

 

I recognize that what some of these people are saying is true - I am a proven liar and I have betrayed you in the worst way possible. You should be skeptical and not just believe everything that comes out of my mouth. And I don't feel that you do. I understand that. But these people do it know us. I am not lying to you. I do it want to hurt you again. You are an amazing man, father and husband and I hate myself for what I've done. I fully regret it. I want with my entire being to be able to make it up to you, somehow. I was so wrong about you, about us and about myself.

 

Reading you all comments does help me stay grounded and question everything she has to say. That part I have not changed but I've even stepped up the pressure to have her address this things. I guess what I'm saying is that I'm not simply just taking her word or rolling over. That's far from it...to put it this way..there is no free pass for her and certainly people have to pay for their action..I continue to look forward to you all advise and responses and appreciate that support.

 

If I would get a dollar for each time I have read in this forums Betrayed spouses saying that they know it all about their spouse affair... till they find out they actually knew nothing about what really happened I would be rich....

 

I will explain you how this works. When they get caught they always enter in damage control mode where they acknowledge everything that you can proof and then tell you there is nothing else hidden under the bed... They try to convince you using the fallacy that given that the first half is true the second half has to be true too....

 

Well... at this moment the only truth you can trust is what you can proof... At this moment all you can proof is 3 times sex in 18 months... It is strange that they kept into the affair 18 months without constant contact, these affairs usually die out without the excitement and danger that comes from frequent contact but lets go with it (for now).

 

There are two parts of your wife's text that have stricken me the most... she is telling you that we (people in this forum) don't know you (as you both together and what you have), but the truth is painfully obvious... neither of you knew "YOU" too well either... you never expected her to do this to you and she actually recognize that she doesn't know you, herself or what you have in her last sentence. Quoting :"I was so wrong about you, about us and about myself. "

 

She is telling you she loves you, and she is sorry... how much value have her words when her actions said totally something different?.

If she had stopped the affair and confessed I would be a bit more positive but the fact is that if you would have not caught her she would have been still cheating on you. Do not forget this hard fact because for me is the key in your discussions with her, how it is that she is now so sorry and remorseful when she didn't even stop with the affair? What is what makes her feel sorry? That you caught her? If she doesn't realize that there is something very important broken in her then it can't be fixed.

 

Did she loved you when she cheated on you? How did she feel about you when she did it? If she loved you then, is that the best love she can give?

 

I am not trying to make this more difficult for you but like any addiction one needs to go to the darkest part of oneself before being able to stand up again... I don't think your wife is even close to that at the moment.

Edited February 27, 2017 by fenix

[merrmeade]

I have been talking with the OM wife and she has confirmed a lot of things. She saw the pics and read the bulk of the emails. Sex wise there was only 3 instances of actual contact with them as he did live in another stat and the first two instance only happened because he was close by. The trip to Arizona she did on her own to see if the sex could be better..the fact that after the Arizona trip that she still wanted to have sex with him but no longer was going to put effort to make it happen still sucks hard. I believe had he lived closer there would have been a lot more. I also have let her read the forums as a lot of thing some have said are exactly how I've felt and keep questioning her about. Seeing that I'm not the only person who says this seems to ring true in her ear. After reading the forums today she texted me this.

 

I recognize that what some of these people are saying is true - I am a proven liar and I have betrayed you in the worst way possible. You should be skeptical and not just believe everything that comes out of my mouth. And I don't feel that you do. I understand that. But these people do it know us. I am not lying to you. I do it want to hurt you again. You are an amazing man, father and husband and I hate myself for what I've done. I fully regret it. I want with my entire being to be able to make it up to you, somehow. I was so wrong about you, about us and about myself.

 

Reading you all comments does help me stay grounded and question everything she has to say. That part I have not changed but I've even stepped up the pressure to have her address this things. I guess what I'm saying is that I'm not simply just taking her word or rolling over. That's far from it...to put it this way..there is no free pass for her and certainly people have to pay for their action..I continue to look forward to you all advise and responses and appreciate that support.

nope, we don't know her or you all as a couple, but neither of you knows how many times we've read, heard and felt the same remonstrances and protestations. I'd like to say to her -

 

Whether you've got what it takes as an individual or as a couple is yet to be seen, but you only have to prove it to one person. BUT If that person believes everything you say, he's no better than the fool you made him into when you started exploring your sexuality with someone new. Perhaps you realize you're the fool (agreed). Even then, if you think that for everything to be different all you have to do is feel terrible about what you did and convince him that you do, then you're still the fool.

 

It takes continuous talking, self-examination and action to make real change. Individual therapy for you can make it go faster. Read the guides for wayward spouses pinned at the top of this forum and know that if he doesn't insist on verification and continue to doubt your honesty, you won't change. Maybe you won't repeat this mistake, but in five, ten or more years you'll get a different itch that needs scratching. No, it's more than words, but the words need to be there and you need help integrating all these thoughts, feelings and actions.

 

Sincere remorse requires humility. It doesn't insist on anything and accepts that you need help. If you're so all fired unique and capable of fixing yourself and your relationship by will, then why didnt you? Why did you have to be found out? No, the fact is you can't promise a damn thing. And if you don't admit you really don't know yourself and you need help to change, you won't. Put up or shut up.

Edited February 27, 2017 by merrmeade

[Giacomo67]

Tex. my post was omly for you, your WW in this moment is able to say and do whatever to win you back, mine did, and your WW is also doing. I was even told how cruel and evil I was for not forgiving and move pasted, But what my ex never understood was that my decision was made for MY ONLY well being, I would have lashed out at the first occasion even after decades, so today I am the most happiest person on earth.

What i mean is that you need to figure if R. is what you are thinking, will this be something that you can live with for the rest of your life, without honestly bringing it out again in a few years... 18 months of cheating (not only phisical) is a long time to just get over it.

[Mr. Lucky]

Even then, if you think that for everything to be different all you have to do is feel terrible about what you did and convince him that you do, then you're still the fool.

 

Well said. Unless they're sociopathic monsters, every WS feels regret for the hurt they've caused.

 

Don't confuse that with true remorse or a willingness to do the hard work and heavy lifting required to put your marriage back together. As I - and many others here - can tell you from personal experience, two very different things...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BluesPower]

I have been talking with the OM wife and she has confirmed a lot of things. She saw the pics and read the bulk of the emails. Sex wise there was only 3 instances of actual contact with them as he did live in another stat and the first two instance only happened because he was close by. The trip to Arizona she did on her own to see if the sex could be better..the fact that after the Arizona trip that she still wanted to have sex with him but no longer was going to put effort to make it happen still sucks hard. I believe had he lived closer there would have been a lot more. I also have let her read the forums as a lot of thing some have said are exactly how I've felt and keep questioning her about. Seeing that I'm not the only person who says this seems to ring true in her ear. After reading the forums today she texted me this.

 

I recognize that what some of these people are saying is true - I am a proven liar and I have betrayed you in the worst way possible. You should be skeptical and not just believe everything that comes out of my mouth. And I don't feel that you do. I understand that. But these people do it know us. I am not lying to you. I do it want to hurt you again. You are an amazing man, father and husband and I hate myself for what I've done. I fully regret it. I want with my entire being to be able to make it up to you, somehow. I was so wrong about you, about us and about myself.

 

Reading you all comments does help me stay grounded and question everything she has to say. That part I have not changed but I've even stepped up the pressure to have her address this things. I guess what I'm saying is that I'm not simply just taking her word or rolling over. That's far from it...to put it this way..there is no free pass for her and certainly people have to pay for their action..I continue to look forward to you all advise and responses and appreciate that support.

 

You know TH this is a basically good thing.

 

Here is where it gets tricky. And by all means let her read this...

 

She is saying all the right things, but from where we sit on LS, the fact that she is "SAYING ALL THE RIGHT THINGS" is the issue.

 

You see WW and TH, you can say all the right things but you have to understand that your husband (TH) cannot believe a word that comes out of your mouth. Who is to say that you and your AP did not collude together and get your stories straight when you knew you were caught, he told his wife the same story that you told your husband???

 

How does TH know that this is not what happened? Because he does not.

 

And lets talk about flirting with a guy for 3 days and letting him perform Oral on you in the family van? And we are supposed to think that you did not perform oral on him? OK, I also have a bridge for sale...

 

So I guess the fact the WW and AP only had sex 3 times really makes things ok, sure I get that. WW, you know as well as your husband that if this guy was around locally that you would have been screwing like rabbits in high school, mixed metaphor intended.

 

What you have to understand is that regardless of what you (WW) say, you wanted to have an affair, you wanted to strange for whatever reason. How does TH know that you have not screwed other guys? Or won't in the future? Of course you won't because you said you would not, oh, but I forgot that you are a proven lair so he really does not know, does he.

 

18 months is a very long time for a woman to keep this type of affair going. This is something that is going to take your husband a long time to get over, even if he wants to rug sweep the whole situation. It will actually hurt him for the rest of his life, regardless of what he says. The pain will lesson over time but it will always be there, and nothing you can do now will be able to take it away, ever. He may or may not mention it in a few years but it will always be in his mind. Every time you hug a male friend he will wonder if you screwed him too. Every time. Think how that must feel to a man that was a good husband and father and what you did to him.

 

He actually is too early in the process to really understand what is going on in his mind. He wants to be strong but inside in the places that you are afraid to go, he is broken in a way the he does not understand yet, and you never will.

 

You say (WW) that you regret what you did. Of course you do, your husband may still divorce you and end your comfortable life with a man that you "love" so much!!!

 

What every WW needs to do is to actually be REMORESFUL about the affair and the REAL level of pain that the WW will never feel. You (WW) are not there yet. When you get to be actually remorseful, and you are not even close yet, you will start to feel some of the pain that your husband feels.

 

Be aware, that you can never really understand the full level of his pain, but if you get to remorse, if you have the courage, you will feel some of his pain. It will hurt worse than you can imagine, and you will realize that this is maybe 10% of the pain that your husband feels, it that much.

 

You both have such a long way to go, but I for one wish you luck...

[Cephalopod]

Well said. Unless they're sociopathic monsters, every WS feels regret for the hurt they've caused.

 

Don't confuse that with true remorse or a willingness to do the hard work and heavy lifting required to put your marriage back together. As I - and many others here - can tell you from personal experience, two very different things...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

My ex serial cheating wife acknowledged, on an intellectual level, that what she had done to me and our marriage was wrong. But she was never sorry that she did me wrong. She never apologized for doing wrong.

 

It is one thing to know, from a moral and intellectual stance, that you are doing wrong and being remorseful for doing wrong.

 

Some cheaters just simply do not care.

[Texashunter]

But there lays the question..for even those who decided to work things out and try to rebuild..I don't believe even those who manage to stay and make a some what happy life truly ever let it go or never talk about it. It has to be a scare that even years after hurt. And that they will remind their partner that it's still there and there are days it still hurts..Even if I just give up and say F it and walk out with my boys..Am I truly happy...in many ways yes..I've stopped the bleeding...but what about the 12 yrs of my life that's now gone..the haunting of my failed marriage that even though it wasn't my fault it still happened..I have a million questions in my head and no answers..it's to say F it..there was never no hope in life..just move on to the next pile of crap..that the one person who made you a better man and father was just a waste of time..she cheated on me, our kids and **** all over our marriage..I see my pain..I see what she is done..I'm not blinded to her lies and what's she's done..how she saw me and our kids..how we were not ever good enough to even try to stop..that's she's a world class POS...that only getting caught opened her eyes, made her feel guilt and made her remorseful..but now since I can believe her..well I should just walk away..it would be easier..I've seen some people in the forums who have had their spouse do thing even worse than mine..not that what she did is any worse..cheating is cheating no matter how it is played out..but is that it? Is it truly once a cheater always a cheater? If so then why ever get married again, date, love or heck what's worth one living for if this is just how people are and will be.

 

.yes, my wife cheated on me for 18 month and I have to accept that because it's true..yes my wife didn't care for me or our 3 boys..her actions proved that for dang sure. Yes my wife had unprotected sex with him twice and let him go down on her after only knowing him 2 1/2 days..there is nothing about her that resembles the woman I married..she looks the same but that's it..just looks..as a person she's become nothing more than a heartless monster who only cared for herself..

 

So the big question for me is..is this who she will always be or is it possible for a person to really F up this bad and then realize it and want to change to be what they really wanted to be all the time but lost themselves? Or am I really just a complete dumbass who wants to believe that someone can F up their life, get their arse kicked and have a life awakening moment where they would give what ever is left of their soul to make things right...people have been telling me hey you need to do what you gotta do to make your self happy..they shot thing is I could care less about me..I gave that up once I had my boys..that's what makes me happy..not my wife, friends or even my family..to raise my boys and make sure they become proper gentlemen with honor and pride is my only goal in life. So that when they find a woman they know exactly how they should treat them..I don't want them scared to give themselves to a woman completely and love the way I had once loved their mother..we all take that chance when we do..now they are scared too..because their mother did something so bad to their daddy why risk it..why risk it when even mom didn't try to fix it and dad left...again a million questions with little answers and when they are answers they are all the same.. I am in pain like I've never felt before..I'd rather be shot again then to feel this..at least a bullets let you know why you hurt and why your in pain..at least you know I'm most case a bullet wound can be fixed and healed over time..but that's about all that can be right..or am I too blind with hate, anger, sorrow and a feeling of death in my life that I can't see any more of some one is finally being honest or just more lies..that no therapy or priest or friend can tell me how to see honesty again..you could drop me in the middle of know where and I can find my way home..but right now I can't even find my boots.

[Texashunter]

Well said. Unless they're sociopathic monsters, every WS feels regret for the hurt they've caused.

 

Don't confuse that with true remorse or a willingness to do the hard work and heavy lifting required to put your marriage back together. As I - and many others here - can tell you from personal experience, two very different things...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I have said the same thing to her..yesterday is mont 4 since DDay. I think most people believe there is some kind of time line to this kind of stuff. I've read a lot of articles and such that give a rough idea. But does time truly tell or is it just one spinning their wheels because they want to beleieve that maybe just maybe their WW might finally being truthful?

[Texashunter]

My ex serial cheating wife acknowledged, on an intellectual level, that what she had done to me and our marriage was wrong. But she was never sorry that she did me wrong. She never apologized for doing wrong.

 

It is one thing to know, from a moral and intellectual stance, that you are doing wrong and being remorseful for doing wrong.

 

Some cheaters just simply do not care.

 

She has apologized for the affair and has for the last few months..but being that she is a known lier it's hard me to see honesty in anything. We have spent many evenings outside talking with a lot of her crying and getting on her knees begging for me to please give her a chance to prove things to me. It would take me forever to type out the conversation we have had..my problem know is I can't tell the difference between her lies and truths. I've at least gotten to see the letter she wrote him after DDay on Facebook messagner. They were both brutal with each other in how they talked of each other..which blows my mind how the 2 found each other so important they would abandon their families for their fun for 18 months. The end of the letters were very clear that the affair was truly over. The thing I find the hardest is they both said to each other that they never wanted anything more than what was happening and that the were both poor distraction from their real lives..

Edited February 27, 2017 by Texashunter
Adding

[GoldenR]

The thing I find the hardest is they both said to each other that they never wanted anything more than what was happening and that the were both poor distraction from their real lives..

 

She's a very selfish person who really doesn't need to be married.

 

The hardest thing to get past is this: if they hadn't been caught, would it still be going on? Yes, yes it would. For 18 months she chose this OM over you, and if she had her way , she's still be seeing him. That's a hard pill to swallow.

[Texashunter]

So I should ignore texts like this?

 

I love you so very much. I regret that I've wasted the last couple years thinking I was unhappy. How stupid was I??! You tried so hard and I did nothing. I felt like I couldn't make you happy, but all along I wouldn't let you make me happy. I am an idiot. I am ashamed. Please, James. I will not throw away a second chance with you. You are far to special to risk again. I have admitted my faults and wrongdoings. Please please let me be the person I once was, and want to be again. I know it will take time to heal but I love you.

 

This is common for cheaters is what I gather

[BluesPower]

You know TH, first off, you are only 4 months from D-Day. That is not very long at all.

 

You have several options that you can choose and you don't have to choose any. And for the record, let her say on her knees begging you to not divorce her and get her another chance. That is exactly where she needs to be, on her knees begging you for forgiveness.

 

Some may think that is just really harsh, well screw them. Frankly all affairs are all unforgivable not that you cannot learn to live with it in some ways.

 

The pain that you feel right now is really the pain of the initial wound and the shock, unfortunately the real pain has not really started yet, sorry to say but it is true.

 

But as for your choices:

 

1) You could get her to agree to a divorce. In that divorce you get full custody of your kids and all marital assets. She agrees to this and signs it and you let her stay in the house and prove her love for you over the next few years. You don't let her up off her knees until you are sure that a) she is truly remorseful and b) you feel you can begin to trust her.

 

If she is willing to do something like this, she might be worthy of a second chance. Later you can remarry if you want to.

 

2) Just divorce and move on, raise your boys and be rig of her.

 

3) Continue working on it in the context of your current marriage and see where it goes. It will be a long road no matter what eventually happens.

 

Now understand this, it is possible to recover from this. It does happen, but most if not all of it is dependent on your wife and how she works to help you heal and build trust again. If she is not willing to do this level of hard work for years, because that is what is will take, you might as well call in the dogs now.

 

But it is possible.

 

I will relate one story to you though. My lead singer for a lot of years and also my best friend, is about the most wonderful person that you would ever want to know. But I swear to god he had the worst luck with women of any man I have ever known, I mean ever.

 

He went through 2 marriages and a host of crazy, crazy women for about 20 or so years. Then one day he met the woman that he is married to now. Funny enough a 6' Japanese/American woman with one daughter and a ninja mother that lives with her. I kid you not. She is beautiful, warm, sexy and she loves him with all of her heart. I love her as well because she loves my best friend who I love like no other man in the world. She takes care of him and makes him happier than he has ever been in his life.

 

So for him things eventually worked out even for him.

 

It can happen for you, as well. Take your time and watch your wife's actions and YOU decide what you want out of your life. A life that you actually did nothing to screw up, your wife took care of that.

 

And know one thing, I understand living for your children, I have done it all my life. They will be better off in the long run seeing you happy. If that is with your wife, great. If that is divorced, still great.

 

You have to teach young men lots of things. 1) Respect for yourself - by not letting any woman walk all over you. Not taking that type of behavior. 2) Mercy - by trying to forgive your wife even if she does not deserve it 3) Self reliance - by not letting someone else dictate your happiness (you wife) 4) Choosing the right thing even when it is hard - divorce after betrayal or mercy after a betrayal depending on how you choose to go.

 

And there are many other things they have already learned from you. But the main thing they need to see is strength. The strength to divorce or the strength to reconcile. Either of these things takes strength.

 

But most of all, teach them to learn and know how to be happy, this to my disgrace is something that I was unable to teach my boys, because I thought it was more important to teach the how to live with the bad stuff like I did for 26 years.

 

I just now figured out how to be happy after all that time.

 

You stay strong and take your time deciding...

[drifter777]

So I should ignore texts like this?

 

I love you so very much. I regret that I've wasted the last couple years thinking I was unhappy. How stupid was I??! You tried so hard and I did nothing. I felt like I couldn't make you happy, but all along I wouldn't let you make me happy. I am an idiot. I am ashamed. Please, James. I will not throw away a second chance with you. You are far to special to risk again. I have admitted my faults and wrongdoings. Please please let me be the person I once was, and want to be again. I know it will take time to heal but I love you.

 

This is common for cheaters is what I gather

 

I don't think it matters much what any of us say anymore. You want your wife back so just forgive her and move on with your life.

[NTV]

I would answer with 'how' questions. Get back to the person she was how is she going to do that?

[Buckeye2]

There is a middle ground for someone like you that is married to a POS and doesn’t want to give up on the marriage for some reason.

 

Divorce her, live with her and see how it goes. If she really feels that bad about what she did to you and the family she should give you excellent divorce terms. Demote her to girlfriend. You don’t trust girlfriends as much as you do wives. Your kids will see that there were consequences to their mother’s actions but you’re giving the marriage your best try.