Trying to understand wife's [past] affair

[BluesPower]

So I should ignore texts like this?

 

I love you so very much. I regret that I've wasted the last couple years thinking I was unhappy. How stupid was I??! You tried so hard and I did nothing. I felt like I couldn't make you happy, but all along I wouldn't let you make me happy. I am an idiot. I am ashamed. Please, James. I will not throw away a second chance with you. You are far to special to risk again. I have admitted my faults and wrongdoings. Please please let me be the person I once was, and want to be again. I know it will take time to heal but I love you.

 

This is common for cheaters is what I gather

 

Yes you ignore them, good grief... And yes it is common.

 

BTW, has the wild monkey sex started with her yet? Or have you let her close enough to even start that. If she giving you a BJ twice a day now. If she hasn't she will. Just understand that they all do this. It is called hysterical bonding, she will try to reconnect with you through sex, better sex than you have had for years. Do not trust it at all. It is a standard trick that cheater use to get their mate back after they have strayed!

 

You act like these texts don't exist, no acknowledgement of any kind, you know way??? Because they are words, words are easy. Actions like having an affair are actually hard and she did that anyway.

 

Of course she does not want you to divorce her, she got her piece of strange and she got caught, but she does not want to lose her house, kids and comfortable hubby.

 

Let her keep sending this stuff to you. You keep ignoring it.

 

WATCH HER ACTIONS, ONLY ACTIONS COUNT. She can say whatever she wants.

 

Has she started researching affairs? Has she started IC? Is she reading about how to help your spouse heal from YOUR affair?

 

If she is not she better start. This is the kind of stuff that you need to see not hear...

[Texashunter]

You are correct about the how questions..this is something that I have been asking her the last 2 days. You say that you want all these things now..but how do you think you can achieve it..how far are you willing to go for that and achieve it..look how easy it was to throw it all away. Now imagine how hard it will be to get anything like it back. She claims she will do what ever it take to which I reply then stop talking about it and show me..actions speak louder..it's not to say I have ruled out divorce..that still can very well happen..had she tried to talk to me before the affair we could have worked together to fix our problems and that would have been easier than what she did which was take the easy way out on her own..I've had a few people reach out to me lately and have said give it at least 8 months to see what she does..then make my mind up..if she doesn't show real change then I will know where her heart is..but this pain and emotional roller coaster has worn me down..I've dropped 45lbs, still can't sleep through the night and have 3 to 5 anxiety attacks a day..mainly because I don't want drugs..but I'm going to the gym and when I do eat it's a lot better then the crap I had been eating..at 41 I know almost have the body I had during college football..so if I find myself single I hope it won't be lonely for long..

[GoldenR]

What BluesPower said. Read it over and over.

 

Again, this would still be going on if they hadn't gotten busted. For your WW, it was worth risking the marriage. Over that 18 month period she made, LITERALLY, thousands of decisions to betray you and to continue betraying you. She never made the decision to stop.

Edited February 27, 2017 by GoldenR

[Texashunter]

Yes you ignore them, good grief... And yes it is common.

 

BTW, has the wild monkey sex started with her yet? Or have you let her close enough to even start that. If she giving you a BJ twice a day now. If she hasn't she will. Just understand that they all do this. It is called hysterical bonding, she will try to reconnect with you through sex, better sex than you have had for years. Do not trust it at all. It is a standard trick that cheater use to get their mate back after they have strayed!

 

You act like these texts don't exist, no acknowledgement of any kind, you know way??? Because they are words, words are easy. Actions like having an affair are actually hard and she did that anyway.

 

Of course she does not want you to divorce her, she got her piece of strange and she got caught, but she does not want to lose her house, kids and comfortable hubby.

 

Let her keep sending this stuff to you. You keep ignoring it.

 

WATCH HER ACTIONS, ONLY ACTIONS COUNT. She can say whatever she wants.

 

Has she started researching affairs? Has she started IC? Is she reading about how to help your spouse heal from YOUR affair?

 

If she is not she better start. This is the kind of stuff that you need to see not hear...

 

Well crap! You looking in my window and over her shoulders...lol...she's been doing all that and more since DDay. She's overly attentive which I can't lie has been kind of nice since it's been good for 18 months..but it's hard to know what's real and what's just her trying to make me believe she is trying. She's been going out of her way now to make me feel like I'm special but to me it feels fake because it's only now she wants to do this..belief in her and her new intents are non existent. How does one believe anyone's actions when they got their hand caught in the cookie jar.

[Marc878]

So to correct a few things or more like better explain.

The deal in the van was him going down on her and that was it. This was confirmed by both of them.

She did say the sex was ok after thinking about it but at the time she though it was good and the excitement leading to it is why she continued to want it even thought they knew it wouldn't happen again due to the distance. It became more talk than anything and what they both enjoyed the emails and photos more than the real thing.

I am in no way trying to defend he arse..she has admitted to everything thing and has taken her share of the blame. She isn't trying to throw everything's big on him. She has admitted she wanted him because he made her feel desired and wanted and that because he was someone other than me it drove her. It seems that with most cheaters once the affair fog is gone and they have to see everythOmg clearly. I believe she is being truly honest now..but am skeptical about some details. This is all very much not characteristic of her at all..everyone who know her even says they same thing.

I may still love her but I am certainly not blind to who she is now and I make sure she knows it. Yes I am holding onto a little of the old her and is why I want to give it a little time to make sure I am making the right decision not only for me but my 3 young boys. She has been putting a bit load of effort in to me and the boys since DDay. I know some guys have gotten so screwed over by there ex wife/ or current wife and are really negative about my situation..I am right there with them. However I have to think about this with a clear mind and not jump ship till I can see the whole picture. I still talk to the AP wife and she confirms a lot of the things that have been told by my wife as well as him.

 

I think had the stories been really off from each other there would be no hope. And neither my wife and this guy are smart enough to have the same stories be the same.

 

They were smart enough to have an 18 month affair without you knowing weren't they. Don't kid yourself.

 

Yes trust and loyalty have been broken beyond repair right now..trust me when I say I do have a set that I can drop her like the trash she is but I have to be able to focus and not make a rush decision..we are only 4 months into this. I do appreciate some of the advice. I don't want to waste anymore time than I have to with her but I don't see where at least 6 to 8 months would hurt to get the details cleared up..the old me would have just made the 2 of them disappear but when I met her I changed my life drastically and have become a better man for it..I wanted to be a good husband and father..to be the best at at least one thing in my life..she just didn't want the same thing anymore...sad part is now she does and it's too late..she took things too far..I know if I stay with her nothing will ever be the same and may end up ending down the road but I would like to give my kids a chance..is that so wrong..I don't really care what happens to me..my past isn't perfect and I had to do somethings no that still haunt me to this day..I have extreme PTSD and have issues controlling my rage..to be honest I am shocked I have leveled some people who deserve to be taken off this planet..I am trying to balance myself for my kids..again I do appreciate the help some have given and the insight as well.

 

It sounds like you are trying vet hard to make the best out of this. You do need to keep your eyes and ears open. Time will tell

[Marc878]

Well crap! You looking in my window and over her shoulders...lol...she's been doing all that and more since DDay. She's overly attentive which I can't lie has been kind of nice since it's been good for 18 months..but it's hard to know what's real and what's just her trying to make me believe she is trying. She's been going out of her way now to make me feel like I'm special but to me it feels fake because it's only now she wants to do this..belief in her and her new intents are non existent. How does one believe anyone's actions when they got their hand caught in the cookie jar.

 

You don't for a long time if you're smart.

[fenix]

Yes you ignore them, good grief... And yes it is common.

 

BTW, has the wild monkey sex started with her yet? Or have you let her close enough to even start that. If she giving you a BJ twice a day now. If she hasn't she will. Just understand that they all do this. It is called hysterical bonding, she will try to reconnect with you through sex, better sex than you have had for years. Do not trust it at all. It is a standard trick that cheater use to get their mate back after they have strayed!

 

You act like these texts don't exist, no acknowledgement of any kind, you know way??? Because they are words, words are easy. Actions like having an affair are actually hard and she did that anyway.

 

Of course she does not want you to divorce her, she got her piece of strange and she got caught, but she does not want to lose her house, kids and comfortable hubby.

 

Let her keep sending this stuff to you. You keep ignoring it.

 

WATCH HER ACTIONS, ONLY ACTIONS COUNT. She can say whatever she wants.

 

Has she started researching affairs? Has she started IC? Is she reading about how to help your spouse heal from YOUR affair?

 

If she is not she better start. This is the kind of stuff that you need to see not hear...

 

I completely agree with the above.

 

As I explain you before she is in damage control mode at the moment, all what she does and says is what she thinks you want to hear and see... But it is not you the one she needs to work on... she needs to work on herself, lots of introspection and counseling to learn her true self. She is not who you believe she is, more over ...she is not who she believed she was... she risked everything for some moments of thrill and that is not the behavior of a normal person, she is someone who can hurt you and her family without any problem or remorse for months to satisfy her selfish needs. She is someone who can compartamentalize that shady behavior with her normal mother/wife behavior (like two different persons in one) ...resuming ... she is broken and if you want to be able to reconcile without having to mategard her the rest of your life she needs to fix whatever is wrong with her.... that is the key of your future happiness and it sucks because is nothing that you can fix... it is all in her hands.

 

My advise is that you ask her to work on herself, to go deep into the person that she has become because only when she sees herself for the monster she has become can she begin to heal.

 

Actually If i was you I would tell your wife: I don't want you to tell me that you love me for you told me that you loved me during the last two years but that love didn't protect me, your love was not strong enough to stop you doing something you knew would deeply hurt me! I don't want you to say you are sorry, you risked our happiness and our children happiness and wellbeing to enjoy some cheap thrills... saying sorry doesn't wash that. You will need to show me that you love me and that you are sorry with your actions day by day, earning my trust back while you work on understanding yourself and fixing whatever is broken that made you feel and think that what you were doing was acceptable

Edited February 27, 2017 by fenix

[Mr. Lucky]

Divorce her, live with her and see how it goes. If she really feels that bad about what she did to you and the family she should give you excellent divorce terms. Demote her to girlfriend. You don’t trust girlfriends as much as you do wives. Your kids will see that there were consequences to their mother’s actions but you’re giving the marriage your best try.

 

This sounds feasible in principle but has anyone ever really done this?

 

Perhaps DKT3 can chime in, I know he divorced his wife (whom he later remarried) but I think it was a normal post-A split.

 

Regardless, such a course of action might bring with it an entirely different set of challenges...

 

Mr. Lucky

[aliveagain]

Whatever idea's you both had of how you would grow old together have been challenged to the point of being terminal. Your issue now is whether or not you want to make room for a new future with her or a new future that does not include her. Some of us can't get over the fact that our spouse never thought we were worth protecting, she allowed a predator into you life for her selfish temporary joy. She allowed some stranger she met at an event contaminate what was your special love paring. The feeling of hopelessness you are feeling is caused by the permanent change to what you envisioned as your future together. Can you live with the imbalance her affair has brought to your marriage(it is permanently part of who she is now)? If you decide to give her a second chance do so only if she agrees to a postnuptial agreement giving you most of the assets of the marriage if you divorce because of a new infidelity. Make her buy new rings, everything your rings now stand for have been voided.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

But there lays the question..for even those who decided to work things out and try to rebuild..I don't believe even those who manage to stay and make a some what happy life truly ever let it go or never talk about it. It has to be a scare that even years after hurt. And that they will remind their partner that it's still there and there are days it still hurts..Even if I just give up and say F it and walk out with my boys..Am I truly happy...in many ways yes..I've stopped the bleeding...but what about the 12 yrs of my life that's now gone..the haunting of my failed marriage that even though it wasn't my fault it still happened..I have a million questions in my head and no answers..it's to say F it..there was never no hope in life..just move on to the next pile of crap..that the one person who made you a better man and father was just a waste of time..she cheated on me, our kids and **** all over our marriage..I see my pain..I see what she is done..I'm not blinded to her lies and what's she's done..how she saw me and our kids..how we were not ever good enough to even try to stop..that's she's a world class POS...that only getting caught opened her eyes, made her feel guilt and made her remorseful..but now since I can believe her..well I should just walk away..it would be easier..I've seen some people in the forums who have had their spouse do thing even worse than mine..not that what she did is any worse..cheating is cheating no matter how it is played out..but is that it? Is it truly once a cheater always a cheater? If so then why ever get married again, date, love or heck what's worth one living for if this is just how people are and will be.

 

.yes, my wife cheated on me for 18 month and I have to accept that because it's true..yes my wife didn't care for me or our 3 boys..her actions proved that for dang sure. Yes my wife had unprotected sex with him twice and let him go down on her after only knowing him 2 1/2 days..there is nothing about her that resembles the woman I married..she looks the same but that's it..just looks..as a person she's become nothing more than a heartless monster who only cared for herself..

 

So the big question for me is..is this who she will always be or is it possible for a person to really F up this bad and then realize it and want to change to be what they really wanted to be all the time but lost themselves? Or am I really just a complete dumbass who wants to believe that someone can F up their life, get their arse kicked and have a life awakening moment where they would give what ever is left of their soul to make things right...people have been telling me hey you need to do what you gotta do to make your self happy..they shot thing is I could care less about me..I gave that up once I had my boys..that's what makes me happy..not my wife, friends or even my family..to raise my boys and make sure they become proper gentlemen with honor and pride is my only goal in life. So that when they find a woman they know exactly how they should treat them..I don't want them scared to give themselves to a woman completely and love the way I had once loved their mother..we all take that chance when we do..now they are scared too..because their mother did something so bad to their daddy why risk it..why risk it when even mom didn't try to fix it and dad left...again a million questions with little answers and when they are answers they are all the same.. I am in pain like I've never felt before..I'd rather be shot again then to feel this..at least a bullets let you know why you hurt and why your in pain..at least you know I'm most case a bullet wound can be fixed and healed over time..but that's about all that can be right..or am I too blind with hate, anger, sorrow and a feeling of death in my life that I can't see any more of some one is finally being honest or just more lies..that no therapy or priest or friend can tell me how to see honesty again..you could drop me in the middle of know where and I can find my way home..but right now I can't even find my boots.

 

^ This is all normal. It would be easier if kids weren't involved. All of this will leave a legacy with your children, for better or for worse. I once told my IC that if divorce would make all of this pain go away, I'd do it in a heartbeat. But then what? I'd still have to interact with her because of the kids. I'd become a part-time dad. Kids are hurt and confused. There are no winners.

 

Can you wife recover from this and become a better person and wife? It is possible with a lot of work and honesty on her part. Regardless, the idealization of your wife and marriage is over. It will take time to make that adjustment and fully accept it.

 

Please please let me be the person I once was, and want to be again.

That person no longer exists. There is no going back.

[Try]

yes, my wife cheated on me for 18 month and I have to accept that because it's true..yes my wife didn't care for me or our 3 boys..her actions proved that for dang sure. Yes my wife had unprotected sex with him twice and let him go down on her after only knowing him 2 1/2 days

Please understand that whatever you think that you know, there is so much more about the affair that you will never know. A major study shows that most affairs take place competently undetected by the cheated on spouse and that even with evidence only 7% will ever admit to cheating. The point is that studies show that it is normal for cheaters to lie and only admit to what they have to. Read long running threads in the infidelity section of this and other sites; specifically read the early posts by the cheated on spouse, and compare them to what the cheated on spouse says near the end of a long term thread. You will see that the cheated on spouse always learn that the cheating was worse than they originally were led to believe, and that in accepting reconciliation they must also recognize that they will probably never know everything.

 

During affairs, cheaters become master (of you) con-artist, that train themselves to lie to you by default in order to maintain the con that nothing is going on. Your spouse lied to you for a very long time. She is now very good at it. somewhere along the line, you became the mark, where lying to you became a part of who she is, and is a part of how she views her relationship with you.

 

So the big question for me is..is this who she will always be or is it possible for a person to really F up this bad and then realize it and want to change to be what they really wanted to be all the time but lost themselves? Or am I really just a complete dumbass who wants to believe that someone can F up their life, get their arse kicked and have a life awakening moment where they would give what ever is left of their soul to make things right.

What your wife did was not a dunking one night stand, or a short term unplanned affair. Her long term cheating took planning, and was not some mistake or short term error in judgment. A famous con man said that you can get anyone to believe anything no matter how impossible, as long as they want to believe. You are not "a complete dumbass", you just want to believe in her, and and after seeing you buying her con for so long during the affair, your cheating wife knows it. Edited February 27, 2017 by Try

[Texashunter]

Whatever idea's you both had of how you would grow old together have been challenged to the point of being terminal. Your issue now is whether or not you want to make room for a new future with her or a new future that does not include her. Some of us can't get over the fact that our spouse never thought we were worth protecting, she allowed a predator into you life for her selfish temporary joy. She allowed some stranger she met at an event contaminate what was your special love paring. The feeling of hopelessness you are feeling is caused by the permanent change to what you envisioned as your future together. Can you live with the imbalance her affair has brought to your marriage(it is permanently part of who she is now)? If you decide to give her a second chance do so only if she agrees to a postnuptial agreement giving you most of the assets of the marriage if you divorce because of a new infidelity. Make her buy new rings, everything your rings now stand for have been voided.

 

We have discussed that, should we stay together that will be a must.

[BluesPower]

Well crap! You looking in my window and over her shoulders...lol...she's been doing all that and more since DDay. She's overly attentive which I can't lie has been kind of nice since it's been good for 18 months..but it's hard to know what's real and what's just her trying to make me believe she is trying. She's been going out of her way now to make me feel like I'm special but to me it feels fake because it's only now she wants to do this..belief in her and her new intents are non existent. How does one believe anyone's actions when they got their hand caught in the cookie jar.

 

This is not a bad thing overall. Just as long as you understand that it is exactly because she got her hand caught in the cookie jar. But the other side is that she wants to feel close to you again.

 

Just let her keep doing it. I mean good sex is good sex, let's be real.

 

Over time you just need to watch her actions and how she can stick too it. That is when you will be able to tell if it is real or not.

 

Just don't forgive her and profess your undying love for her anytime soon.

 

She has to earn that, and a few good BJ's does not earn your love. A few thousand, maybe, but you need to be the judge of that...

[Mr Blunt]

By Texashunter

So the big question for me is.. is this who she will always be or is it possible for a person to really F up this bad and then realize it and want to change to be what they really wanted to be all the time but lost themselves?

 

 

By Blunt

It is possible that the betrayer can change to be an acceptable mate.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

By Texashunter

I don't believe even those who manage to stay and make a some what happy life truly ever let it go or never talk about it.

 

 

By Blunt

I have a somewhat happy life and I never talk about it and I have been in R for over 25 years. Have I let it go? Well here listed below are some facts that may answer some of your questions:

 

 

I divorced my betraying wife within 6 months of her confession. I got everything.

She came crawling back and I let her stay in the house so she could prove her remorse

I made her prove her remorse for 4 years then remarried her. Eight months is not near enough time, waywards can show regret actions for 8 months then back off the hard work that is needed.

I watched her actions for 4 years and her words were only secondary.

During the 25+ years of R we have had more good times than bad. We had good times not great times.

The children eventually gained more than they lost after many years of her proving her remorse with her actions.

There is permanent loss for me. First I do not admire her as much as I once did. I have determined that she is a weak woman and I will never trust her 100% again.

 

 

 

 

After many years she has shown a bit of her selfishness again but not in the areas of betrayal with another man. Her selfishness is mostly because of her weakness. I have been a bit selfish myself.

 

 

Part of the reason that I have a good life is that I became more self-sufficient (you can never become totally 100% self-sufficient) and have a lot of warm relationships with my other family members. I improved myself in body, mind, and spirit.

 

 

My wife has been a good wife 90% of our lives together and she has some very good traits. However, there are consequences to pay and we have some permanent damage.

 

Your R, if you R, will never come close to the hysterical bonding that occurs in the first year or two. You both can achieve a satisfactory relationship. I am sure you realize that every betrayal situation is not the same but somethings are fairly universal and apply to us both.

 

 

You said that your wife wants to prove herself that she wants to make it up to you. Have her sign legal documents so that she can never take away your children from you not even for 50% of the time. In addition, have her sign a post-nup so that she cannot ever take you to the cleaners financially. These two documents will really tell you if she is totally 100% committed to putting you first. These are actions that speak a LOT louder than words.

 

 

 

 

TexasHunter

Make a plan to build yourself up in body, mind, and spirit because you have been brought down very low. Do not be consumed by trying to understand everything about your wife’s actions and you trying to fix her. She is 100% responsible to fix herself and you are very limited as to what you can do for her character faults; it is an inside job for her. You cannot sacrifice you getting yourself stronger by being consumed by her. You and your wife can only really change yourselves and nobody else.

 

 

This is not the end of your world but it will seem like it for a while. “This too shall pass” You have a lot of life left and three boys that need you badly. Get all the right help that you can; do not try and be macho but be diligent on you getting stronger.

[fenix]

Please understand that whatever you think that you know, there is so much more about the affair that you will never know. A major study shows that most affairs take place competently undetected by the cheated on spouse and that even with evidence only 7% will ever admit to cheating. The point is that studies show that it is normal for cheaters to lie and only admit to what they have to. Read long running threads in the infidelity section of this and other sites; specifically read the early posts by the cheated on spouse, and compare them to what the cheated on spouse says near the end of a long term thread. You will see that the cheated on spouse always learn that the cheating was worse than they originally were led to believe, and that in accepting reconciliation they must also recognize that they will probably never know everything.

 

During affairs, cheaters become master (of you) con-artist, that train themselves to lie to you by default in order to maintain the con that nothing is going on. Your spouse lied to you for a very long time. She is now very good at it. somewhere along the line, you became the mark, where lying to you became a part of who she is, and is a part of how she views her relationship with you.

 

What your wife did was not a dunking one night stand, or a short term unplanned affair. Her long term cheating took planning, and was not some mistake or short term error in judgment. A famous con man said that you can get anyone to believe anything no matter how impossible, as long as they want to believe. You are not "a complete dumbass", you just want to believe in her, and and after seeing you buying her con for so long during the affair, your cheating wife knows it.

 

Quote for emphasis!! This ^^^ is the exact truth...

 

You want to believe her, you want it all to be over and to move on and that makes you an easy target. Please go ahead and check on internet what trickle truth is. Just think about this, your wife has been lying to you 24/7 for the last 2 years, why do you think she suddenly has changed that? There are many aspects to the affair as she describe it that do not match with a normal A behavior... If they were emotional involved I could have believed that they kept alive their affair during 2 years in the distance ... but a thrill affair is based on the thrill and if that thrill is not there anymore the affair also dies...

I can't hardly believe that they were 18 months in an affair based on thrills and they only saw each other 3 times. This is something you may want to discuss with her... would be a lies detector test an option?

 

By the way, all the regret that you now see in your wife is because of the aftermath, she regrets you are in pain and she regrets the situation she is in at the moment but remorse is something far deeper than what you see now, remorse comes from understanding of one self, for understanding what she has become and the damage that her actions have created, not because she has been caught but because what she did (either if you found out or not) were hurting, it fact were a direct attack to you. Many cheaters say that their cheating didn't have anything to do with the victim... you just happened to be there when she was driving 190 mph when she knew you were walking on the middle of that same road.... but hey... that was collateral damage that she never intended..

She needs to understand why allowed herself to do that, she needs to understand why she didn't protect you, why that love she is claiming to have for you was not enough to stop her to do something she know will harm you.

 

She also should be honest with you, tell you everything, even when she knows that will hurt you, because only from the lowest, deepest and darkest moment can she become a better person and the wife you deserve. As long as she keeps telling you only half truths she is still in betrayal mode...

Edited February 28, 2017 by fenix

[NTV]

Started a journal yet? That was the single biggest thing that helped me the most when I went through this.

[Texashunter]

Started a journal yet? That was the single biggest thing that helped me the most when I went through this.

 

I wouldn't even know where to start or what to write in the journal

[Overtaxed]

I wouldn't even know where to start or what to write in the journal

 

I'm sorry, but this is, IMHO, a cop out. A journal is just that, your thoughts. Are you saying you're not thinking about what's going on, because, I'm pretty sure you are, probably obsessively.

 

If you'd like some ideas:

 

How I'm feeling today

What hurts the most about what she's told me so far

What "bombs" do I think might be left

Why did she do this

Do I still love her

Where do I see myself in 5 years

What are my positive qualities

What are her positive qualities

 

I mean, it's endless. Pick a topic and write on that for 30 minutes a day. It's for you, no need to proofread and spell check. Put the thoughts down on paper and then come back and look at them a week/month/3 months later, see if things are changing (for better or worse) and see how you feel. Write on the same topic several times if you need/want to.

[Texashunter]

No I get ya, not trying to cop out. I've just never written a journal. I in a way have done a littlemlike that but not on a daily base. I will give it a try, maybe it will help me be less explosive.

[BluesPower]

TH, think about this...

 

We can be your journal if you would rather.

 

But all of those touchy feely things like journaling actually do work. There is something cathartic about writing you thoughts and feelings with a pen.

 

And you get to be as mad and use any type of language that you want so that is always good. I have done it a bunch of times and it really helps.

[aliveagain]

You already have your first 7 pages, just print your posts. It's a great way to measure your progress, just reread your first post and then look at your last posts. Just to be clear, both reconciliation and divorce take years to get over. One requires equal commitment and a lot of hard work, the other a lot less work but the pain won't be much different. Watch her actions, when someone's been lying to you for years you won't know the truth, verify everything she tells you until you feel safe. The goal is to be safe again, wow, hard to write that when your writing about someone's marriage, who would have seen that coming? That's why you can't prepare yourself for infidelity or you would never fully give your heart to someone. The thing about infidelity is there is no mistaking who the intended victim is, she and other man are plotting against you.

 

If she has any hope of surviving this as your partner she has to humble herself, tell you where she is, where she is going even when you don't ask until you get to the point of feeling safe again. A wife or a husband that has a long term affair is a catastrophic failure, they need to isolate the cause so it can never happen again and that takes some serious forensic work with the help of someone trained to deal with FOO issues and infidelity.

Edited February 28, 2017 by aliveagain

[Cephalopod]

Well crap! You looking in my window and over her shoulders...lol...she's been doing all that and more since DDay. She's overly attentive which I can't lie has been kind of nice since it's been good for 18 months..but it's hard to know what's real and what's just her trying to make me believe she is trying. She's been going out of her way now to make me feel like I'm special but to me it feels fake because it's only now she wants to do this..belief in her and her new intents are non existent. How does one believe anyone's actions when they got their hand caught in the cookie jar.

 

Tell her tha the only way to make you feel safe is for her to work on her issues and become a safe partner again. Continue to tell her to show you through her actions that she is working on her whys. She needs to figure out why she has crap for boundaries and no respect for others.

 

As for journaling, it works for some but not all people. If you don't want to journal, don't journal.

 

But if I were you, I would take advantage of the 45 pound weight loss and start working out. Get a gym membership and start hitting the weights. Getting back into a daily health regiment really worked wonders for me after my ex cheated. It made me feel better about myself and gave me the mental fuel to get through the hard times. Getting in shape and becoming attractive to the opposite sex again will be a huge boost for you. It will prove to you that you are attractive to women and that there are other options out there.

 

Right now you may think that only your wife could love you or be attracted to you. This is self defeating thinking, and it keeps you stuck in a state of desperation. Once you prove to yourself that you can be attractive to women, your self esteem will blast off and you will feel much better.

[NTV]

I wouldn't ask about the journal if I didn't think it was important.

[Texashunter]

Controlling the anger one moment and then down to depression the next wears me out..it's like never knowing how your day is going to be and has felt crippling at times. Any tricks to help that?

[aliveagain]

Hobbies, for me it was music. Do something that takes your mind off them and onto some thing you like. Time helps the healing process and the only way through it is to go through it. There is another side, I promise.