Trying to understand wife's [past] affair

[Texashunter]

OMG, man how old are you guys?

 

More importantly, how are you doing with everything. We have all wanted to hear from you.

 

What is the final decision? How is your wife acting. How is it going?

 

Congrats on the new baby. You might as well enjoy it, what else are you going to do???

 

I'm 41 and she is 38.

 

I have my moments with anger issues and some depression. It's gotten a bit better but the images of what they did still hit me from time to time. We have gone from week long anger and yelling to maybe like 2 to 3 times a week..weekends tend to be better then the week days.

 

She has changed a good bit. I believe between us talking a lot more and the therapy pretty much everything has come out. Even with knowing all the details there has been some new light shed on the issue. She's been almost over board with attention and concern for me and our kids. She has to be sleeping almost right on me each night and we try to spend at least a few hrs each day with out thinking or talking about the affair which has helped some..just to give it a break for short periods. We still discuss thing about it. She is trying to reassure me of the guilt and sorrow of what's she's done. She is trying with therapy to figure out who she just went along with it because she doesn't fully understand why. Therapist has discussed this with me and says that this can be common with some affairs and after 4 months of dealing with us he believes this is the case. She has diffently has taken full responsibility for the affair and for her actions. Which to be honest really caught me off guard as I read a lot of times they never do. Was it a one time thing where she lost herself and couldn't figure out how bad it was? Seems likely..not defending her but I do try to read and get as much information about affairs as I can. The last six to 7 months of the affair seems to be done out of habit then wanting the actual affair. From the therapy session it was if she couldn't take herself out of the fairy tail because of how it would make her feel. The sex part was not something she desired to make happen any more it was just the excitement of the emails and reactions from the request pictures.

 

She has showed a lot more interest in me and what I do which I do make difficult for her due to my feeling and she understands. She doesn't pressure me on things and lets me vent without question or becoming defensive. She says she feels the need to let me say and express myself about what she's done to me and our family. She says she truest regrets he choices and wishes she could go back and stop it before it happened. That she was so blinded with the little things she couldn't see the big picture. That she couldn't see how much I did for her and how much I truest cared/loved her. She states that she can never forgive herself for what she has done and all because she just blinded herself to what she says was truly the best thing she's ever had in her life. She claims that she won't give up on me and the boys now because getting caught has opened her eyes for the first time in her life to what she knew she wanted and truly had but allowed herself to fall for the bs of life. She even went so far as to get the same tattoo on her shoulder that I got..grant it the softened it up to be more female like.. but stated she wanted to show me with the tattoo how serious she is about all this now...she is literally now branded with a tatto that was special to me..even if we divorced there is no way of her getting away from it..she will have to see it everyday of her life knowing what it means.

 

Maybe...just maybe she is as serious as she says and does now..time will tell..but I know it will be a long road for me and she knows/has accepted that it won't ever be the same again..that if we stay married there will be a lack in all departments...there won't be the same intensity we once had..I guess time will tell at this point and things could very well chance...I don't have much hope for things but what else do I have to lose at this point...because from what I've seen and heard from other people..even if we divorce..the grass I have may be burnt but the grass on the other side has a good chance at being even worse..for the time being I will watch and keep close attention..I need to work on myself more and let the rest just fall where it may..need to start doing for me and my happiness..one of my biggest problems was I focus everything into her and let myself fall by the waist side. I can now see how that hurt me in more ways than I thought. How can I take care of others if I can't even take care of myself..I lost sight of that just like she lost sight of what she had all this time..don't get me wrong..I'm not letting her get away with what she's done. Just don't have the effort to spend the rest of my time fully focused on her..I have 3 boys who still need their father to set them on the right road for their lives to be better than what I have...I do appreciate some of the advice from people and have used it to try to look at things differently and to try to get my head right..this may not be the right choice...but I hope for my kids sake I'm doing what's right for them in the end..

[harrybrown]

hope she stays NC with the OM.

 

Has she told his family? Has she started protecting you and not the OM?

 

Will she pay to go to affair-recovery.com? to help you heal?

 

What would she do if you had an A?

[Texashunter]

hope she stays NC with the OM.

 

Has she told his family? Has she started protecting you and not the OM?

 

Will she pay to go to affair-recovery.com? to help you heal?

 

What would she do if you had an A?

 

So I have full contact with the OM wife..that is completely over..matter of a fact he knows if he contacts her or if I see him that I will end his life..he know I know where he lives and works...if I wanted to do something I could and he knows it...she doesn't want anything else to do with him...it wasn't for love or anything really..they used each other as a distraction to their issues in their marriage..She wanted the affair to actually be over. Long story...

She has been look at the weekend getaways they offer. She wants us to go to one.

She has said if I had an affair she would have to accept it since she has. If she haddent had one she claims she would try hard if I truly showed regret and guilt for it..but that's what she says and I think her response would be different had I actually did..but who knows..I alway said if it happened I would kick the crap out of them and divorce them...

[BluesPower]

Well, all of that sounds good so far...

 

All of the stuff you feel is totally normal. It sounds like she is doing everything that she can do to help you heal. Is she?

 

Do the therapist help with the infidelity part as well?

 

Stay with the therapy it will help in the long run.

 

So, are you saying that you have not made the full decision to stay with her yet? Or are you just taking a wait and see attitude.

 

You sound like you are doing OK in general. Be aware the anger will ebb and slow, so don't be surprised when it leaves for a bit and comes back strong.

 

Hang in there. And keep posting about how it is going...

[Texashunter]

I find myself asking the same questions about her affair again

 

She said she wanted to save our marriage..ok so why continue the affair first of all..if you wanted to save it why not stop and really fix it?

 

Why does she want the marraige so bad now?

 

Why does she want to love and be faithful so much now?

 

Why do I matter to her so much now after she threw it all away?

 

How can someone throw away their entire marraige for something they save didn't matter to them and it was just about the sex and how he made her feel good..that it was about the newness and just for the feeling one gets when they first meet someone?

 

Why after the affair needed did they do nothing to try to fix the marriage or even try something to show they felt bad about what they had done?

 

Why do they now what all the love, attention and the bs to desire them after they had their fun?

 

And mostly how do they think they can get all this/hope they can get it when they've shown they didn't care for itnin the first place and that the bs can just give it to them because they all of a sudden what it...like the can throw away everything and it will be there just waiting for them once they truest want it?

 

I just don't get it..

[Texashunter]

The more I think about all this..how can someone say they truely

Love you more than anything knowing what they did? I mean do they even really know what it means to love someone??

[Texashunter]

Do they really expect you to remain faithful and keep to your vows since they couldn't?

[harrybrown]

when is the baby due?

 

hope you are still in therapy.

 

Be good to ask those questions with the counselor and her.

 

I do hope you have better days some day.

[Texashunter]

We have doc appointment on the 13th of this month but she believes end of November begging of December

[BuddyX]

Hang in there. Pulling for you.

 

I think I already left this quote before but it's worth repeating; "Remember that your value to her is the security and stability you provide. That’s why she wants you back. You didn’t suddenly become hot to her and she didn’t suddenly discover how much she loves you."

[Texashunter]

That's the last thing I want to be valued for..I feel that's all gone and I don't want her to have that security anymore. As for the other part, I don't think she felt any of those things for real. To me those thing feel fake from her now..or maybe she really does and I just choose to want to see that..it's like up is down and down is up these days. I truely don't know what to believe or even know what's real anymore.

[WilyWill]

"Remember that your value to her is the security and stability you provide. That’s why she wants you back. You didn’t suddenly become hot to her and she didn’t suddenly discover how much she loves you."

 

BuddyX is right, unfortunately. This is the same woman who willingly did sexual things with her affair partner that she had refused to do with you.

[Texashunter]

It's like everything I once knew about a woman has been wrong. Like I don't know how to tell if I'm really what they want or just something they say things to but really just smoking mirrors..I can't tell truth from lies anymore..I don't think anyone wants to be just a security blanket and not be truely desired. I don't feel like she just suddenly see all those things in me now..I don't even know if she even truely felt that way at all..

[Texashunter]

BuddyX is right, unfortunately. This is the same woman who willingly did sexual things with her affair partner that she had refused to do with you.

 

I agree, the worst is when she told me why..that because she felt those thing were something we were not supposed to do as a married couple but it was fine in the affair because she didn't have the same attachment or expectations. Perfectly fine with a stranger but I wasn't worth that kind of treatment..or sure now she does with me and even more..like she has been liberated and can now fully feel free to go crazy with me but the crappy part is she didn't want to try with me..I wasn't the one who could break her free and let herself be this way.

[DKT3]

Texas, there is alot of self manipulation that goes hand and hand in the vast majority the f MW who engage in affairs.

 

What it boils down to is really simple, even though most wont admit it. No MW would have an affair if they didn't feel they had control in the marriage. What I mean by that is a husband who is safe predictable and she has had a history of being able to "handle" him.

 

The reasoning behind the sudden switch is also simple, they've lost control. Your wife no longer has control on what kind of marriage she has, she no longer has control over how it goes. All she has now is she can leave. Stay together is out of her control. So now she is love bombing you, going all in. The only question is, is it manipulation to regain control or genuine because she doesn't want to lose you? Only time will tell.

 

I wouldn't put a ton of stock into her doing things sexually that she hasn't done with you. That has very little to do with her feelings be stronger for him.

 

Many women fear things sexually that may result in her being judged. It could very well just mean she cared less about his opinion of her than she does your opinion of her. No fearing being judged. Many women confuse that with "love" saying stuff like no one has ever known me so well, I've never been able to open up and so on. But mostly it's an indication that his opinion of her doesn't really matter all that much.

[BluesPower]

TH... All the questions you are asking are totally valid. There are some that you have not even thought of yet that will also be valid.

 

You have every reason in the world to doubt her, now and in the future. You stand your ground. As you continue to get your head together you need to decide what you want to do.

 

And the bid thing is you don't have to decide next month, next year or whenever. This is your decision and you can make it whenever you want.

 

Do not trust anything that she does sexually for you, for a super long time. You know if she wanted different things sexually, she could have talked to your about it. She could have done a host of other things, be she choose to disrespect you in the worst way possible. She choose to do that, it was not a "Mistake" it was a choice.

 

And as far as sex goes, if you continue to be with her, there had better not be anything off the table ever again or that should mean immediate divorce ASAP.

 

As a matter of fact, the threat of divorce needs to hand over her head for a long time and if she has an issue with she can leave whenever she wants.

 

Try to keep posting your thought and issues she we know how you are doing.

[Texashunter]

I don't think his opinion really did matter much. The only thing she says she liked was that he made her feel desired and wanted. That someone other than me desired her so much..so much she ignored that I wanted her more than him.

[Texashunter]

But then what do I know..she's a good lier and great actress..I keep hoping someone will see something that I don't because of my emotions and lack of any trust.

[BuddyX]

I don't think his opinion really did matter much. The only thing she says she liked was that he made her feel desired and wanted. That someone other than me desired her so much..so much she ignored that I wanted her more than him.

 

Unfortunately this will eat away at you if you decide to R without proper IC.

 

Been there buddy. If she dropped her panties over a couple compliments than how are you going to trust her from this point on?

 

I decided to R, but quickly realized that there will be always a new shiny toy. There will always be some guy hitting on her. And you can't man guard 24/7. Nor should you, that's not how marriages work.

 

Feel for you. Hang in there.

[road]

Texas hunter, I don't remember did you have a DNA paternity

test done?

[Texashunter]

No, don't need one for the kids I have already. Those kids are mine no doubt about it. The current one I also know is mine as she's had to no time what so ever to be doing anything.

[DKT3]

But then what do I know..she's a good lier and great actress..I keep hoping someone will see something that I don't because of my emotions and lack of any trust.

 

Time....

 

Her mask is off, one that she has spent years constructing. Now she is exposed. If she isn't showing you her genuine self, she won't be able to maintain it under fire.

 

If her efforts are genuine and motivation is real then in time you will know.

 

This chit is hard, it will take a very long time to get to a point where you're​ not mainly protect yourself from being made a fool.

 

For me R was impossible, I tend to be overly analytical. So divorce was in order. However, over time it was clear that my wife was genuinely interested in us. My path isn't one anyone should attempt to follow.

 

Your emotions are high, but they won't always be, you doubt yourself but it will not last long. Give it time. Do the work on yourself with the idea that you will be alone. In time her motivation will reveal itself no matter how well she can lie with words, she can't lie with actions, not for long anyway.

[Texashunter]

I guess my approach to this now is just like I'm single again and I hang out with this girl..nothing serious..just hanging and doing my own thing. Looking out for my happiness and my interests instead of hers..I've done that the other thing for 12 yrs and got paid back like this. So it's all about me for awhile till I decided to settle down again which could be never.

[aliveagain]

But then what do I know..she's a good lier and great actress..I keep hoping someone will see something that I don't because of my emotions and lack of any trust.

 

You have cause to feel the way you do because there is no way to win in your situation. You are the one who is compromising your life long beliefs in order to stay with someone that betrayed you for 18 months. All your reasons for doing so weren't enough to stop her(your wife has all the same reasons)from betraying you. Your logic is in conflict with your emotions. Your emotions are telling you that you love her, she gave you children. Your logic is saying, ya but she had sex with a guy she just met in the very van she drives our precious children in everyday. Emotionally you are hearing that she loved you even when she flew to another state to have bad sex with another woman's husband(including doing things with him she never did with you). Logically you are telling yourself, she's my wife, we are married, she's not supposed to have sex with other men, she gave me her word. Logically you wonder why she would allow a man with a bigger penis do things to her that would cause her more pain then if she did it with you? Took the same or more effort right? Her reasoning that she did those things because it was an affair isn't flying with you because she's not supposed to have an affair, she's your wife.

 

All that is required to fix this is for you to accept that 18 months out of the rest of your life is no big deal. She chose you after all. You weren't party to all the love talk, cuddling, video recording that happened in that hotel room in Arizona. Logic is telling you that things will never be the same, she lies, she has sex with other men and you and your children were not enough to stop her. Your heart is telling you that you love her, your logic is trying to find a way to feel safe. With the right kind of counselling you can learn to live with just about any injustice that occurs in your life. What you need to do is decide if any of this changes who you are, can you live with yourself for your compromises, do you like this new you, is she worth all this trouble? Commit yourself, one way or another and live with your choice. This is all about you my friend.

[QuietDan]

No, don't need one for the kids I have already. Those kids are mine no doubt about it. The current one I also know is mine as she's had to no time what so ever to be doing anything.

Getting the DNA test, makes a statement that you question the extent and time length of her honesty and transparency of who she is and what she was willing to do. If this affair for this length of time? How many other affairs was she able to successfully hide? Perhaps getting pregnate by other men, then turning into the interim good wife and mother untill the next opportunity presented itself. Till she was willing to risk her reliable security for what she truly wanted and desired. You say she wouldn't have had time. That is, as far as you know or assume. However a few of the other threads out there by active waywards indicate, where there is a will there is a way. Waywards can be very creative and manipulative. You are probably right. But then again, information, activities, schedules, can be manipulated. Better to work from facts versus assumptions.