Trying to understand wife's [past] affair

[QuietDan]

I asked her to read my thread so she can understand where I have been coming from and so she can see that I'm not the only one who sees the things the way I do..I don't have a problem with it, I still andnwill always not hide anything. Not what I say or how I feel..she needs to know it and see it..for 17 months she lived her own life and separately for me and our family...

 

The old relationship is dead and gone.

The people you once were, forever changed in some very dramatic ways.

The original oaths are broken and shattered.

Neither one of you is bound by the original marriage vows.

Time for two different people to sit down and figure out if they want to begin a new relationship and figure what if anything they have in common and can it work. Can the two of you live with and work around the differences.

Will this relationship be built on truth or lies?

For... the broken wayward.... may be too soon to even know who they are and what they really want in life. Just because she is scrambling now to try to repair, reclaim, recover the relationship.

Why???? Does she even really know why?

What is she going to try to build a new relationship on?

Who she is now?

I am not too sure she even really knows who she is enough to get into a committed relationship with.

She is anxious now. Fear, embarrassment, shame, the unknown, uncertainty, loss of security, all this can generate a great deal of mixed emotions that feel like regret and remorse. But, really, regret and remorse for what?

A lot of waywards want another chance.

They cling and scramble.

Like a drowning victim in the swimming pool.

In the end, the spouse they latch onto as they go under also ends up drowning as well.

Is this a short term fix to resolve anxiety?

This needs to be done with a long term view.

Building a new relationship from the ground up starting with basic fundamentals.

Not to sure that this wayward is even remotely ready to be able go through that process yet.

End the end, where is this ultimately going to end up?

What is the end goal here?

I think, due to the nature of all of this, substantial lengthy counselling may be required here.

 

Actually, in many ways, this has the feeling of an exit affair.

 

This type of extensive, lengthy, careless, repeated, totally uninhibited behavior, points to wanting to be caught. Like she is trying to do something so bad, the loyal betrayed spouse will terminate the relationship. In a somewhat twisted way, the wayward then, doesn't have to feel guilty about ending the relationship. The betrayed spouse was the one that made the final decision. In effect, the final act of manipulation, is to manipulate the betrayed spouse into being the bad guy and end the relationship

Edited April 11, 2017 by QuietDan
Delayed browser response, double copied, clean up to single response.

[Texashunter]

I'm trying but it's hard when your as worn out as I am.

[whichwayisup]

Love isn't something I have for this new person..I loved my wife but this woman she is now I don't..I care for her because she is the mother of my children. If it wasn't for them yes, I would have left and divorced her. I don't confuse loving someone and caring for someone. I can't ever love someone who could do this and the way she did it. I can care for her and have her to help raise my kids the best way I can. I'm trying hard to control my anger and emotions for my kids sake. I wish I could be in love with someone again but to be honest I feel love is over rated and really has no place in my life anymore..I just want to live my life for myself and my kids..doesn't matter if she is with us or not..she's a grown woman and it's obvious she can make her own choices. I tried to help her make the right choice and I wasn't good enough for her to listen to anything I had to say. So she can do for her and I'll do for me..for now this is how I see things...I may be wrong for it right now but I want to be selfish with myself and kids.. is that wrong? I don't know but then I don't know a lot of things anymore

 

No decision has to be made right now. Time is on your side. You may never recovery from this and maybe divorce will happen. You and your wife can be the best co parents to your children, respect one another as mom and dad and always put them first. Maybe you two aren't meant to be married anymore and being husband/wife isn't going to work.

 

Or maybe things will get better in time, if you both want to make it work and if you feel that marriage can survive this. As I mentioned, no rush to decide right now either way.

 

Is it possible to get time off so you can take a break and go on a holiday with some friends for a long weekend or even a get away by yourself.

[GoldenR]

That is fair, and I have told you before that I am willing to sign a post nup. I messed up, so so badly, and I will do whatever it takes to make you comfortable with me if you are willing to give me the chance.

 

You need to really think about this...

 

If he decides to stay with you, are you prepared for what could quite possibly be for the rest of your life, to have him look at you with disgust in his eyes, in his facial expression? I know you think that time will heal everything, but this memory in his head will literally NEVER go away. 15 years from now, you guys could be having a wonderful day together, you look at him and smile,he returns the smile, then his smile just kinda slowly disappears as a wave of sadness overtakes his facial expression, as he remembers everything, and asks himself for the umpteenth-thousandth time, "Why?".

 

Are you prepared to deal with that look of disappointment forever? Or do to think that you'll get to the point where you feel frustrated and you'll be thinking, "Get over it! It's ancient history!!".

 

Not many people can take a lifetime of shame.

[Mr Blunt]

TexasHunter and Ruined My Love

I am a BS and my wife had a yearlong EA and then when it turned physical I threw her out of the house. Before I threw her out of the house I divorced her after three months of knowing of her EA

 

 

 

Originally Posted by TexasHunter

Looking into the postnuptial thing, I will need to protect my kids and my future from her. Need to make sure we are safe from her and her actions.

Posted by Ruined My Love

That is fair, and I have told you before that I am willing to sign a post nup

 

 

 

 

To TexasHunter by Blunt

Do you have the post nup signed? If not, why not?

[Mr Blunt]

Posted by Texas Hunter

I may be wrong for it right now but I want to be selfish with myself and kids. is that wrong?

 

 

BY BLUNT

 

Not wrong at all. However, make sure that you do things for yourself and your children that are nothing like what your wife did. In other words you do not have to go out and screw another woman to get even and soothe your anger. That would be lowering yourself to the level of your wife that you so resent at this time. Also, what do you think your children would think of you for cheating on their mother? Children will love a good mother even if they make horrible choices like your wife did. Build yourself up in body, mind, emotions and spirit that will show your children that you are a man that can take an enormous hit and still have integrity and self-respect. You will put your children first even if you have to suffer.

 

Also, stop all that thinking and saying that you are going to kill the OM. You kill him and your children will be fatherless because Texas does not mess around; they will put you to death. Texas puts more killers to death that all the ther49 states combined. “Don’t Mess with Texas”

 

 

 

 

 

 

By Texas Hunter

So the big question for me is is this who she will always be or is it possible for a person to really F up this bad and then realize it and want to change to be what they really wanted to be all the time but lost themselves?

 

 

BY BLUNT

I do not know you or your wife but it is true that my wife changed and never betrayed me with any man again in the last 25 years. I am not about to take up for your wife but it seems by the posts that she did not have an EA with the OM, it seems that it was animal or ego sex drive. Having a sexual betrayal is terrible but having a sexual betrayal and an emotional betray is added salt the the wound. TexasHunter, if you are going to R then go in 100% or get out. In R you will have to your part and that will be a lot.

[Mr Blunt]

By Ruined My Love

I am not a monster and I do love my children and want the best for them, despite my mistakes and poor choices.

BY BLUNT

My WW is not a monster and she does love our children and wants the best for then

 

 

By Ruined My Love

time will allow me to prove that he is the man I want to be with, the person I want to partner with to raise our family and the man I am fully invested in re-committing my life to.

BY BLUNT

You may be telling the truth but you owe it to your husband to prove that with your actions for YEARS not just months. In my case I made my wife prove her words with ACTIONS for over 4 years then I remarried her.

Both of you, get all the help that you can from all the right sources and then DO IT!

 

You will need faith and God

[sandylee1]

The more I think about all this..how can someone say they truely

Love you more than anything knowing what they did? I mean do they even really know what it means to love someone??

 

It sounds like she's got a grasp of what she did and is prepared to do whatever you want to try and repair the damage.

 

It's hard to understand 'why' a spouse who claims to love you would do what they did, but very often they do love you and the affair is just like a new toy, which is thrown aside or abandoned after a while.

 

You have 3 very good reasons (now 4), to try and give reconciliation a go. I'm not saying those are the only reasons or that regardless of your feelings, that you should stay because of the kids, but it's worth trying if you can.

 

This is a good opportunity to make very clear to her, what you expect and want in a wife. She should be eternally grateful that you've given her the gift of reconciliation and be prepared to do whatever is required from you.

 

Has she done any reading of books like this 'how to help your spouse heal from your affair' by Linda Macdonald.

[sandylee1]

Much emphasis is being placed on the tapes being posted online and to show his friends.... I've spoken to a few WHs who engaged in this and it was for their personal use, not to show anyone else.

 

I'm not minimising or saying it doesn't matter, but there's no need to add fuel to fire here... It's bad enough without trying to make Texas feel worse taking about the video being online.

[signpost]

I never wanted to post, but reading the OP's story almost boiled my blood to a point now where I had to post now. I have never been cheated on and nor have I had ever cheated, hence I may never understand how it feels to be on either side. I had come to this forum initially after finding out that a friend of mine got divorced because his wife cheated. He just disappeared from our friends circle since then is not in contact with anyone of his friends due to the shame.

 

My observation in such cases from these forums seems to be that when the BH stays with the WW, its firstly because of his kids and/or the love he still has for his WW or maybe because the financial cost of a divorce can be huge. I truly fail to understand this. I have a few questions in the regard, someone may answer them for me.

 

1) Why shouldn't a BH decide immediately on his future course of action? Why wait? If so, how long do they need to wait before deciding?

 

2) Is it possible for a WW to change their behavior so suddenly and so drastically? If so, why couldn't she - especially in this case - exhibit the same level of renewed loyalty towards her BH before having an A? Why couldn't she make these changes before she had an A? It's the same BH before and after her A - so, what changed now? Is it only for her selfish reasons? What stopped her earlier, if shes ready now, to do whatever it takes to save her marriage?

 

3) A poster mentioned about 'Control' and how the WW might be trying to get the situation back into HER control now that she had lost control in the marriage. Would she still had cheated on Texashunter, if she had the strong belief that he'd D her immediately if he had found out? Did she cheat because she felt that he's so in her control that he'd not leave even if he found out about her A? Is she doing what she's doing now only to get that control back?

 

Somehow, I do feel a marriage is forever tarnished/broken due to infidelity - and anyone who stays may not truly get back the peace of mind and trust they had earlier. The person lives his life with the dagger still sticking through his chest even though it may not kill them! Thanks

[BluesPower]

I never wanted to post, but reading the OP's story almost boiled my blood to a point now where I had to post now. I have never been cheated on and nor have I had ever cheated, hence I may never understand how it feels to be on either side. I had come to this forum initially after finding out that a friend of mine got divorced because his wife cheated. He just disappeared from our friends circle since then is not in contact with anyone of his friends due to the shame.

 

My observation in such cases from these forums seems to be that when the BH stays with the WW, its firstly because of his kids and/or the love he still has for his WW or maybe because the financial cost of a divorce can be huge. I truly fail to understand this. I have a few questions in the regard, someone may answer them for me.

 

1) Why shouldn't a BH decide immediately on his future course of action? Why wait? If so, how long do they need to wait before deciding?

 

2) Is it possible for a WW to change their behavior so suddenly and so drastically? If so, why couldn't she - especially in this case - exhibit the same level of renewed loyalty towards her BH before having an A? Why couldn't she make these changes before she had an A? It's the same BH before and after her A - so, what changed now? Is it only for her selfish reasons? What stopped her earlier, if shes ready now, to do whatever it takes to save her marriage?

 

3) A poster mentioned about 'Control' and how the WW might be trying to get the situation back into HER control now that she had lost control in the marriage. Would she still had cheated on Texashunter, if she had the strong belief that he'd D her immediately if he had found out? Did she cheat because she felt that he's so in her control that he'd not leave even if he found out about her A? Is she doing what she's doing now only to get that control back?

 

Somehow, I do feel a marriage is forever tarnished/broken due to infidelity - and anyone who stays may not truly get back the peace of mind and trust they had earlier. The person lives his life with the dagger still sticking through his chest even though it may not kill them! Thanks

 

It really does not work for everyone like that...

 

Some of the reasons that you stated are the reasons that people stay together. There are others.

 

When people have affairs, and this is general, not every case, they get into a mindset and convince themselves that the marriage is done or worse than it actually is. It may not be great but it is not as bad as they feel. The WW is actually in many cases having or has emotional problems that they do not understand.

 

It could be a variety of things, who really knows why you do it. So the next thing you know you are deep in an affair, the sex is great, you both desire each other because you not picking up socks or getting the car fixed because she had another wreak. It is exciting and new. The is an actual affair fog that you cannot see of understand at the time but it obscures reality.

 

Then they get caught or they confess. All hell breaks loose. It is something that anyone that has not gone through it can understand. It is almost as bad as I imagine losing a spouse or child could be.

 

The Betrayed Spouse is destroyed at a level that the Wayward Spouse never imagined. Then, the WS starts to realize that they have destroyed the only person in the world that actually loved them with all their warts. The one person that was there for them everyday for years.

 

Over time the WS starts to understand what they have done. I the couple tries to work it out, the affair is always there. Even if people act like it is not, it is. Reconciliation is truly a gift that the BS gives to the WS. Some people accept and make the best use of that gift be helping the BS heal and some don't. Some BS do not offer that gift and some WS don't want the gift or want to earn it. Some marriages fail from the affair and some don't. Some are great after the A and some limp along and stay intact and everyone is miserable.

 

With what I have written, there are a million variations. Some WS are sociopaths. They actually have no regard for anyone else at all. Some BS's stay because the are weak and scared, some BS's stay because they are strong and know that they can take the blow and keep themselves in tact and make the marriage work. Same goes for the WS's.

 

All of the combinations of circumstances are about infinite. But there are many similarities with a lot of them...

[GoldenR]

I just read the entire thread again...

 

I've noticed a recurring point made in many threads...why is it that in cases where the WS is trying to save the marriage, that their therapist tells the BS that they believe the WS won't do it again? I've never seen it otherwise...

 

TH -

After reading everything, several things stick out to me:

 

- Being that the A was 1.5 years, she had to have been in the mindset that her AP was her primary relationship, not you.

 

- She did things with AP that she had refused to do with you

 

- She'd still be in the A if she hadn't gotten caught.

 

- Only when caught does she love you again. So many waywards only decide that they actually love their spouses after they're either A) busted in the affair or B) their AP breaks up with them

 

All of these will be mental mountains for you to climb, and you'll never get to the top of those mountains

[road]

I asked her to read my thread so she can understand where I have been coming from and so she can see that I'm not the only one who sees the things the way I do..I don't have a problem with it, I still andnwill always not hide anything. Not what I say or how I feel..she needs to know it and see it..for 17 months she lived her own life and separately for me and our family...

 

Nothing to do with hiding.

All to do with both of your emotions are raw at this time.

 

Thus you both need a safe place.

[Clay]

Well you could go out and have a affair in front of her for the next 18 months and let her wonder if your going to stay with her or not. I doubt seriously she would stay a month seeing you sleep with someone else and treating her the same way she treated you. It seriously is a double standard with most cheaters. This is really the rub. So if you stay with her and try to make it work and she cheats again whos fault will it be this time? If you stay with her and she later decides she just isn't that inlove with you and takes you for everything in the divorce how will you feel about that. As if the 18 months of her having sex with another man wouldn't be painful enough you would get to loose everything you built as well.

 

I personally think if you are seriously thinking of making it work with her you divorce her first. You write up a great parenting agreement. She puts her money where her mouth is when it comes to the division of assets. Once your divorces she gets a full time job and starts paying back every dime she spent on showering the other man with affection and her time. She gets to start from square one on building a life with you. I wouldn't even consider her my girlfriend until I dated a few other women and then seen first hand if I wanted to try with her again. If she balked at any part of it I would divorce her like yesterday and walk away. She would never even get a second word in about it. Her choice would be made for her right there and then.

 

Just my two cents.

 

Clay

[Just a Guy]

Hi Texashunter, I am coming back to your thread after quite some while. I have read through some of the posts( not all frankly) but have got a gist of what has been said both by you and the others. There is a saying in the colloquial where I live which roughly translates into something like this. "After sinning knowingly a thousand times over the sinner trudges to a shrine to do penancefor his sins". To me it seems to ring a bell as far as your WW is concerned.

 

I would suggest that you read the account of DKT3 and his wife LovinDKT3 to get a handle on how you should be going about in dealing with the situation at hand. However, if you are convinced within yourself that you want to reconcile with your wife then cut to the chase and go ahead with your decision and to h... with what others have to say. You have received a mountain of advice and opinions and by now should be very clear in your mind what you want. Stop wasting your time in waffling around because no one here is in your unique shoes and no one else on here is going to benefit or suffer from the consequences of what you choose to do. You are the man in the driver's seat and you can either steer the car to safety or crash it and suffer the consequences. My only advice to you at this time is to look deeply within yourself and assess as to whether you can live with yourself if you choose to a) Reconcile with your wife or b) Choose to divorce her and move on. If you can honestly answer this question for yourself then there is nothing to hold you back from making your decision. Warm wishes.

[JustJoe]

OP, a couple of things you should consider. 1. Affair sex is ALWAYS hottest at the beginning of the affair....much hotter than the marriage sex. Why? Because it is new, dangerous, wicked, .etc. As the affair progresses, and the sex becomes more and more routine, it loses a lot of it's luster. Nobody says much about it, but a lot of affairs end because of inertia......when the affair assumes the aspect of a real relationship.....the original attraction becomes less and less. If the affair does not progress to a more emotional level, then it will usually be ended by one or the other partners, as it becomes more tedious.

2.You really need to forget about the AP. He was only the catalyst that your wife used to escape the perceived staleness of your marriage, and has nothing really to do with her choice to cheat.....there are ALWAYS going to be men and women who will be willing to cheat. If not him....then somebody else would have.

[JustJoe]

If the affair sex continues to be better than the marital sex.....then the marriage is over, for all intents and purposes, and you should divorce. The divorce issues should be addressed in the order...... 1. the needs of the children. 2. Your needs. 3. Her needs.

[aliveagain]

I am the WS. TexasHunter asked me to create a profile and post here because he thinks that maybe someone here will see something in what I write that will make things clearer for him. That maybe if I address some of the questions here, things will make sense. I explained that that won't happen...to you all, I am (rightfully so) the woman who betrayed her husband, cheated on him for nearly 18 months and quite clearly broke his heart. I am the enemy here.

I do want to say thank you to many of you reading this, because so many of you have given good insight and advice, both to me and to him. I keep saying to him that no explanation or reason why from me will ever make sense....and time will prove how serious I am about recommitting to our life and our marriage. The thing is, and yes, I have told him this - there is absolutely nothing I can do or say to fix what I've done, to take back the hurt or to make it right. There is no reason for cheating. Ever. And I knew that. So then how could I do what I did?? I wish I had an explanation. I was selfish and felt that I had spent so much of my life taking care of others and making sure everyone else was happy....I made myself believe that just because I felt like by husband ignored me and talked rude to me and was depressed, that I was unhappy. That is absolutely no reason to do what I did!!! And why, if I wanted to fix my marriage, didn't I stop? Again, no good reason! I was caught up in it and I wasn't thinking - not about how much I was breaking myself, my husband, our relationship. And I am typically the planner, the over-analyzer, the one to thinks through all possible scenarios....and in this case I did none of that. That is what makes it so unbelievable, because I don't even recognize myself. But I do take full responsibility and ownership of what I have done and how it has hurt not only my husband and our children, but everyone that I know. And I fully regret what I have done. I know that I will never ever choose to lie and cheat and betray this wonderful man you all know as TexasHunter again. I am so very thankful that he has not kicked me out and that he is willing to give us a chance. I am trying in every way I can think of to show him how much I care about him, how much I want to be with him and how sorry I am. Some days are better than others and I am willing to go through the ups and downs with him, no matter how difficult it is.

 

I believe you mean what you have written, your challenge is proving it to your betrayed husband. I haven't posted as much lately because someone very close to me did exactly what you have done to your husband and I am giving them the best advice that I can. It is hard not to get emotionally involved. She allowed her other man to video record them, her husband busted her and saw the texts and video. I have never seen anyone so angry. He can't get the images of them out of his mind and it has become a major obstacle for reconciliation. My question to her was why would you allow a player to record your infidelity and why would you keep it if there is a chance of discovery? I ask you the same questions.

[Cephalopod]

I agree, the worst is when she told me why..that because she felt those thing were something we were not supposed to do as a married couple but it was fine in the affair because she didn't have the same attachment or expectations. Perfectly fine with a stranger but I wasn't worth that kind of treatment..or sure now she does with me and even more..like she has been liberated and can now fully feel free to go crazy with me but the crappy part is she didn't want to try with me..I wasn't the one who could break her free and let herself be this way.

 

TH, in the end only you can decide whether or not you can live with this.

 

And it is perfectly okay if this issue is your deal-breaker.

 

I would say that your WW, like many women, has a skewed and unrealistic view of what marriage is supposed to be. To many; like her, marriage is a role-playing game where power equanimity is the name of the game. Your wife did not want to lose respect in your eyes, so she refused to do those slutty things for you because she was afraid you would lose respect for her. In her mind, for you to lose respect would also equate her losing that 50% power in the marriage.

 

Her AP meant nothing to her. His good opinion of her meant nothing, because he was there to be used by her and her by him. She didn't care if he respected her or not, so that freed her up to release her inner bimbo and pay him with all the porn star sex in order to keep the ego kibbles coming, while you were relegated to safe respectable sex. Again, she didn't want you to see her as a tramp or slut. Yet the hilarious irony of the situation is that, in having her affair, this is exactly what she has become in your eyes.

 

You need to tell her this and make her aware of how she looks to you now.

 

All the hot sex and hysterical bonding is not going to fix what she did. She can never take this back or make it up to you. It is up to you to decide if you want to continue eating the crap sandwich and live with it. And again, if you decide you cannot live with this, and that divorcing her is the only route out of your pain, there is nothing dishonorable in that.

[Cephalopod]

I believe you mean what you have written, your challenge is proving it to your betrayed husband. I haven't posted as much lately because someone very close to me did exactly what you have done to your husband and I am giving them the best advice that I can. It is hard not to get emotionally involved. She allowed her other man to video record them, her husband busted her and saw the texts and video. I have never seen anyone so angry. He can't get the images of them out of his mind and it has become a major obstacle for reconciliation. My question to her was why would you allow a player to record your infidelity and why would you keep it if there is a chance of discovery? I ask you the same questions.

 

My answer for her behavior would be compartmentalization. She did it well, all through this affair.

 

Many waywards are masters at keeping different aspects of their lives in separate boxes. Which is why many would say that they never stopped loving their spouses on an emotional level during their affairs.

[Texashunter]

It day is a different battle that's for sure..the doing it for now real reason other than her being selfish kills me..not like I didn't want something new and a spark..living with a dead fish for 5 yrs had already gotten me motivated to file for divorce..but I couldn't go through with it because I loved her, was faithful and wanted to keep my vows..now they mean nothing to me and it kills me. I stayed faithful and she bailed on me and our kids..the pain is overwhelming at times..death would be better than this..not that I would do anything like that but damn..it would feel better than knowing how she saw me and how easy it was for her to do it and continue it..never really wanting to stop for ME...

[Texashunter]

My question to her has been...she said she wanted the affair over but did nothing to stop it..and even after the AP broke contact with her she said she was glad he had stopped. But yet he did nothing to fix the marriage..so now she wants everything she threw away but did absolutely nothing to try to fix what she had done.

[BluesPower]

My question to her has been...she said she wanted the affair over but did nothing to stop it..and even after the AP broke contact with her she said she was glad he had stopped. But yet he did nothing to fix the marriage..so now she wants everything she threw away but did absolutely nothing to try to fix what she had done.

 

There are a lot of ways to look at this. She was selfish, without a doubt.

 

Was she lazy, was there no way for her to talk to you? Was there no way to tell you that your sex life was stale. Did she not have the courage to tell you that she was not attracted to you anymore?

 

I am betting that she said nothing. And even when it ended, did she try to rekindle her love and attraction.

 

Oh, but now that she is caught it is all different. THIS IS WHAT I HAVE A HARD TIME WITH.

 

When my xW and I were in MC the last time, after 26 years, I realized something. It was really kind of a shock. For 26 years, I was the only one in the relationship that ever said, "Hey, We need to talk about X." Every single time. This told me that, 1) she really did not care about our relationship, or 2) she was the worst relationship person in the entire world. I am going with 1.

 

I understand that you are hurting. What did your wife think about the things that she read on your thread? How did it affect her?

 

I understand that you hurt so bad right now. Has she started to understand anything about what she has done? Or is she afraid of losing her lifestyle and comfort in you.

 

I have to tell you that if it is the latter, you have to divorce her. You may want to anyway. I mean this affair was really bad and you are unable to get over it.

 

It could be that if she can give you a good deal in the divorce then you could separate for a while and see how you feel about the relationship.

 

If she is really remorseful she will wait for you and not date and try to rebuild your trust. Or you may like being single.

 

But you have to S*** or get off the pot. You cannot continue to live like this and all of your pain is because of her. Does she realize that?

 

Try to be strong and hang in there TH...

[Cephalopod]

So where are you and her at? She has to decide whether she wants top stay with you and wants you as a lover and companion for life, or if she just wants the security you provide. You have to decide whether or not you will extend her grace and work towards possible R.

 

I think you need to take your time and figure out what you want. Have you been to IC? Have you inquired about EDMR therapy? Doing so might clear your head up.

[Texashunter]

So where are you and her at? She has to decide whether she wants top stay with you and wants you as a lover and companion for life, or if she just wants the security you provide. You have to decide whether or not you will extend her grace and work towards possible R.

 

I think you need to take your time and figure out what you want. Have you been to IC? Have you inquired about EDMR therapy? Doing so might clear your head up.

 

She says she wants and will do anything to save our marriage now. That she wants to love the way she should have. You keeps begging to please give her a chance to prove it to me..it's hard because of how, why and how far she went with it and him. She left nothing for me.

 

We have been going to counseling for the last few months..I don't see the need for IC because it more of just the same thing. I get to do everything in MC that I would in IC but she atleast gets to see how bad it has effected me..I have not control of my emotions and the PTSD complicates it at times.