Trying to understand wife's [past] affair

[harrybrown]

does she even realize the cost to you of her affair, your lost pride, your feeling of rejection, your pain, your disgust with her, the trauma for the family.

 

Forgiveness never comes without a very high price that someone pays.

 

She wants you to pay the price?

 

You can't pay it. but when you get hurt like this, it is like she gave you poison every day. How do you get over the poison?

 

Sometimes the only way is to get away from the pain. Then some of the pain will decrease. So one way to get away from the pain is to have her leave.

 

Hope you survive the poison.

[WilyWill]

So she was a "dead fish" in bed with you for the last 5 years? Maybe you mentioned this before--I missed it.

 

And she was screwing enthusiastically like a rabbit with the OM, doing everything to make him happy including those things she wouldn't do with you?

 

But NOW she's ready to put on one big act and fake some passion for you. Ooh, how exciting! You can play act for the rest of your lives. Sorry, this just wouldn't do it for me. Find a woman who will really feel passionate about you, not just about your paycheck.

[aliveagain]

She says she wants and will do anything to save our marriage now. That she wants to love the way she should have. You keeps begging to please give her a chance to prove it to me..it's hard because of how, why and how far she went with it and him. She left nothing for me.

 

We have been going to counseling for the last few months..I don't see the need for IC because it more of just the same thing. I get to do everything in MC that I would in IC but she atleast gets to see how bad it has effected me..I have not control of my emotions and the PTSD complicates it at times.

 

This is your life friend but if it were me I would require a brutal postnuptial agreement(80/20) and the right to have her take a polygraph now and anytime(within reason)in the future until she earns your trust, new rings, new vows.

[QuietDan]

Fighting against my darker more pessimistic nature. Anything is possible for those who want it and are willing and able to work together. Turn to Christ and find hope. He was willing to die for us while we were yet sinners. There seems to be some legitimate regret and remorse with your wife. Perhaps less knowledge, understanding, and empathy, and true understanding. Hopefully that will come with time. Pain fades, new memories are formed. Years from now when you have moved far beyond this dark chapter, you may find yourself trying to help your wife move past the regret and remorse that may linger and hinder the full reconciliation that you someday both will have. This may end up being a ministery that you and your wife share to help and show others that a marraige can come back and thrive better than ever if both are willing and serious about reconciliation. You are resilient. You will be able to recover and thrive. Your own dark thoughts are your worse enemy.

[HereNorThere]

Do you ever see those battered spouses on television and billboards and wonder "Why don't they just leave? If someone was hurting me, I'd leave them." Well, that's how I felt reading your thread.

 

When I got to the posts where your wife made an account, admittedly I was excited to to get insight into her personality and motivations. I read them and man, I don't really know anyone who could stay with a spouse like that. At the very least, she could dig deep and give you answers about what lead up to this. It almost seems like she either can't or won't let herself go there. It's basically just "I cheated, No good reason for it, I know, I know, Im bad. Deal with it because I'm like really sorry and stuff."

 

No man could ever get past that amount of sexual stuff (especially not a Texas hunter. Some of the lady men here would probably hold camera for and AP) Some might stay but they'd be tormented for the rest of their lives. And that's just the sexual stuff. Once you factor in her frigid personality, there's not even a reason to stay even if she had never cheated. Sorry, but she went way past the point of no return.

 

Sometimes in life we have to run towards the pain to get it over with. You have a choice - take your last beatings, sign a lease on a crappy bachelor apartment, and get your life back or just stay in this horrible place for the rest of your life. There's simply no in between in a situation like this. As far as betrayals go, this is as about as bad as it gets. Look around this forum at the men who stayed in these types of relationships. You certainly don't want to end up like them. If she really wants to prove she loves you, she'll agree to an amicable seperation and help you find new housing. If she scorches the earth, you'll know her love was simply a weapon she used to exploit you for more resources.

 

One foot in front of the other, brother. If you actually start taking actions, making moves and show some sort of progress to get away from her, you'll be so surprised at how fast your confidence comes back. There's some beautiful woman on an online dating website right now with the username iluvtexashunters92 that will make you forget so fast. The 92? It's her birth year

Edited April 13, 2017 by HereNorThere

[HereNorThere]

...Pain fades, new memories are formed...

 

Pain fades, videos are forever.

[Cephalopod]

I think the hardest thing is knowing she shared herself with another man for 18 months I ways she never did with me and I had asked for. How I tried so hard to re enforce how much I cared and loved her but it was like she wasn't listening. Only now does she see how much I did care and love her. Only now I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. She felt as long as she never got caught that she wasn't hurting anyone..that it had become too easy.

 

I think this is the post that really says it all.

[Texashunter]

I would like to set the record straight. So most of the affair was cyber and by phone. Sex was limited to 3 occasions:

1st time was in our family van where he preformed oral on her and that was it.

2nd was 2 days later where she met him at his hotel for 3 hrs

3rd time was when she flew to Arizona paid for the flight and hotel and spent 6 hrs with him at the hotel.

Yes the had sex for a good part of the hotel meeting but he was only able to get off once and she was ever able to get off at any of the meetings. They used no protection and he did finish in her the one time he got off..ultimate disrespect to me for that. There were not doing each other like rabbits as I've seen in other posts. The one good thing is that he lived so far away because most likely then the rabbit thing would have been true. I'm not defending her but myself. To say they were doing it like rabbits makes a lot more than there really was and makes it feel worse for me when put that way...because I do know that it's wasn't really like that at all... As much as I hate her and am disgusted with her I have to save at least make sure that the actions are talked about properly..not for her but for me..I've been reading some of the other posts where the WS had sex almost on a regular basis which is horrific..in a sick way I am at least glad that the affair was limited to mainly phone, emails, video and pics..not that it's any better but I a way better that the hell some fellow BS have had to go through. I couldn't imagined me how much more pain that would bring. I've never been a person to cry for any reason and find myself doing it a lot. I went to dentist yesterday and they is gas to help ease me during their work..once the gas hit me I started losing control and cried through almost the whole thing. Which is difficult when someone's hands are in your mouth. I think a lot of people can agree that there are others who's WS affairs were worse than theirs. I know that it's kind of a messed up way to view it but theirs always someone who has it worse then you. It's not like I'm trying to make what she did or the pain she has done to me and our family less. It's just an observation in the brutality of what these people do and how far they are willing to take things. I try to step out of the box and view things from the outside at times to try to grasp everything from a different point of view. To gain control of my emotions and take back some of my ability to look at things..not to make them positive but to see reality of any situation. I know that people don't know me or her but I feel it important to make sure that I present the facts and they are looked at it that way. If anything I do it to defend myself from having to picture the whole thing as a false way. It's bad enough when ones imagination takes control and makes up new parts of the story that are not true but seem to over ride with thoughts with false truths. I see a lot of threads where people have posted what they thought was going to was no where near as bad as the reality. Not that it wasn't bad enough but after having to really sit down and her thebreal thrush if given takes out the imagination part and tells the real actions. And sometimes our imaginations are less then the reality which in itself is just as bad because we done want to believe it was worse then we imagined. She was at one time a good wife and mother. I won't deny that. She turned into a bad wife after having kids and then a bad mother when she started her affair which also make her even worse as a wife. Even she agrees to that fact. She can never be a good wife to me again just maybe a good person. She can always make herself a better mother just like I can always be even a better father to our children. With a new child on the way it is very bitter sweet that she has stolen what joy and excitement I should be having away because of all this. That knowing the feeling and drive for me is only because she was caught. That it wasn't because she on her own wanted it and did anything to make amends for what she did during the affair at any time. It all comes from getting caught and having to face the true reality. I find sometimes questioning which was worse...the actual affair or the fact at no time did she ever feel the need to stop and fix what she had. The affair was bad but the lack of emotion for me I feel was a lot worse. I think that's why emotional affairs are worse because it was the emotions that drove anything. For her it wasn't love for him or caring for him but the charge she got from him desiring her and making her feel lusted for by a new person..yes this kicks me in the teeth that I couldn't be the reason for the new changes in her. That kills me as well that I couldn't break hernoutnof her shell..thatbhe gets all the credit for that. That would have to crush anyone knowing that and I think most would agree to that as well. What was it about us that wasn't good enough to break them out of themselves..I feel we will always ask that question as we will never know the true answer to that. But I rant...but back to the original issue is that I don't want her to be painted in the wrong way. I want her to be seen for the truth of what she did and how she did it so that others can make a true assignment of it all. Again not tying to protect her because she doesn't deserve any of that from me. Just protection myself and the image that has been placed on me by her whorish acts.

Edited April 13, 2017 by Texashunter
Spell check errors

[BluesPower]

TH, that is a great explanation of where that stuff is at...

 

Listen, if you have not already, I think you need to see a doc and get some meds for the depression and anxiety that you are dealing with. If you are on meds, maybe talk to the doc about changing or upping the medication.

 

It is very hard to see clearly when you are in this kind of emotional pain and it has been going on for a while.

 

More importantly I would like to hear more from you or your wife about how she reacted to the things said on this board and how she feels and how and if it made her understand more about how much you are destroyed.

 

If her reaction was, "we only had sex three times", you should file for divorce now. She does not get it at all.

 

Because here is the issue. The fact that they had sex of any kind only three times just does not matter in any way. Sorry but it does not.

 

Is it better than the guys wife that was gangbanging her bowling team every Friday night for 2 years, well yes.

 

But it is absolutely bad enough. If they had been closer and had better access they would have been screwing several times a week, every week for 18 months. That is the point.

 

Further, this thing could have gone on for 3 years, 4 years, 5 years if she had not gotten caught. That is also a big point.

 

And the problem still remains, WHY. How can you believe that she loves you now? Fact is, you cannot. You may never believe her. She could give you a BJ 3 times a day for the rest of her life and it would prove nothing.

 

I am usually all about reconciliation, but this situation at the very least calls for divorce. If you want her to live in the house to take care of the kids, that is your choice. If there was any way that she could prove herself, and I don't think she can, she can do it after she is penniless and has given all the marital assets to you.

 

Then if she wants to work until the end of time or until she has had enough, to prove that she loves you, maybe you allow a relationship with her.

 

You should be allowed to sleep with and date any woman that you want and she should not say a word. Let's see how she handles this type of rejection and pain. I am betting not as well as you have.

 

I know that what I am suggesting is very harsh, but in this case I believe that she deserves every bit of it.

 

And think about this. My oldest boy is getting married in about one month. My xW is going to meet my newest, 39 YO (I'm 52), smoking hot girl friend on the day of the wedding. She is literally going to be horrified. I am not doing this to intentionally hurt her, but this girl may be in my life for a long time.

 

And frankly, I could not care less if my ex is upset about my date. After the way that she treated me for 26 years, she deserves any and all pain that she has coming. Sad but True.

 

For you, you need to get some clarity in some way, new or different meds, take a week off and go somewhere alone. Whatever.

 

Keep posting and take care of YOU...

[aliveagain]

With what you know, PIV say 6 times(best guess, 9 hrs. in a hotel room), oral in family van once, why would she, a wife and mother allow it to be video recorded(that's the sick twisted part)? Three years of I love you to another man is going to take a lot to get over. You getting the video out of your head, never. Is she who you see yourself in matching rocking chairs on the porch? Can she ever do enough to make you feel safe again?

Edited April 13, 2017 by aliveagain

[harrybrown]

She is still giving you trickle truth.

 

What will you do when she does this the next time?

 

If you had spent money and went and had an affair, she would be hauling you to the divorce court, having you pay alimony and child support.

 

She has a lot of time to think about her family on her plane trip.

 

She was not thinking about her family at all.

 

Has she paid back the money she spent? Has she signed the post nup?

 

all of the phone calls etc, she chose to do this. She will do it again.

 

How do you know that she has not had affairs before?

 

Get away from your pain. Have her leave the family.

[HereNorThere]

I really wish I hadn't read your last post before work this morning. Ugh, but if it made me feel that bad, I can't imagine what you are going through. However, I know I have some valuable insight into the other side of this that you may not have and I'll do my best to convey it to you.

 

Dude, she is not some special lock that he had the key to and you didn't. Now, a lot of WS and other posters will always tell the BS "It had nothing to do with you. I was being selfish, blah, blah." Some of that is true but from my experience that's not the whole story.

 

Dating in my late 30s has really opened up my eyes to the true nature of how some of these things work. I see this sort of thing time and time again in "my line of work." These married, van driving, soccer mom's spend all day salivating over social media and comparing their lives to others. They see the single people posting pictures of vacations, new cars, boyfriends, etc and start to resent their own life. They watch lifetime movies about affairs, sexting, all this other vapid BS when they should be taking time to create a better relationship with their spouse or improve their social life. Instead of accepting that they chose a different path, they start looking for someone to blame. Even if they don't outright admit it to themselves, the anger, resentment and rage starts to build inside of them. In their mind, they deserve what these other people have. They feel cheated out of a superficial life of selfies and NSA internet stranger sex and the spouse is usually the easiest person to blame.

 

The anger and resentment builds until they finally exact their revenge on you. They go out and do the most hurtful, humiliating things they can think of because they know your weak spots. If you aren't jealous about physical stuff, they start an emotional relationship. If you aren't particularly bothered by physical stuff, they start an emotional relationship.

 

The ironic or sad part is that while they're jealous of single people, single people are jealous of them. Very few women my age are dating for the fun of it. They're all looking for their Texashunter to settle down with and end up with man-children like me.

Edited April 13, 2017 by HereNorThere

[DKT3]

Good chance you have only seen the tip of that iceberg with that account of a long term affair.

 

Ask for a polygraph, it will speed things up alot

[Clay]

Good chance you have only seen the tip of that iceberg with that account of a long term affair.

 

Ask for a polygraph, it will speed things up alot

 

Its exactly what I was thinking too.

 

I stick to what I said in my last post. Regardless of what you find out protect yourself.

 

C

[GoldenR]

You need to realize, what you are setting the record straight about.....it's not true.

 

"He only finished one time"

 

"I only finished once"

 

Do you know how many times we've heard that? Too many to count.

 

You are getting trickle truthed.

[Texashunter]

With what you know, PIV say 6 times(best guess, 9 hrs. in a hotel room), oral in family van once, why would she, a wife and mother allow it to be video recorded(that's the sick twisted part)? Three years of I love you to another man is going to take a lot to get over. You getting the video out of your head, never. Is she who you see yourself in matching rocking chairs on the porch? Can she ever do enough to make you feel safe again?

 

The sex I don't fully get, even in therapy she claims it wasn't good but that she felt it was just part of it. That the actual sex wasn't as good as the talk ever was and why she couldn't get off. Even with the sex being just ok she still flew there to try again to see if it would be better to which it wasn't. She felt disappointed. She enjoyed the idea of having with him again but didn't really want it to happen again..seems like more thrill of the thought of it.

 

The videos, well the first one she didn't even know he was doing it at the time because he was behind her. But the he did it again and she just went with it because he talked so much about it and he made her feel comfortable. So she says..maybe she could answer that better than me. But with talking with her it did excite her because she saw it more like a porn and viewed it as it wasn't her in it..which is crazy in itself. She is pretty sick when it comes to the videos, face time and the actual sex part.

 

She never told him she loved him or anything like that. It was only a 17 month long affair with only 3 face to face encounters..which doesn't help anything but just the facts.

 

To be honest I don't see myself with anyone in a rocking chair...as far as safe that I don't know either..just trying to take things day by day right now to be honest..she would have to make major efforts for any of that to happen. She has been reading this thread and am sure she will be answering more questions. Right now I'm trying just to focus on the kids and the baby on the way..the postnatal thing I am really looking into and going to go through with that for sure if this goes any further.

[Texashunter]

To be honest, with everything I've read now I think this is over and I just don't want to see it..I hate that she's pregnant now with our 4th child and I'm coming to this but maybe y'all are right..just don't have any fight left in me...today has been a cluster fk...I'm think it may just be time to walk away has much as I hate to..washing 13yrs together is just so hard for me to do..I really had some kind of hope for a sick reason...but just seems cards are stacked against me from what I've been reading..thanks for the help..this has been one the worst things in my life to deal with..but I just can't take it anymore..

[Cephalopod]

My marriage to my exWW was quite good up until we had our daughter. Prior to us meeting each other we both had extensive sexual backgrounds with many partners in our pasts. But when we got together it really clicked and we seemed made for each other.

 

Then as with you, the marriage went downhill after our daughter was born and she began acting distant and bitchy towards me. I twas around this time that she started having affairs with several men (unbeknownst to me).

 

During our divorce, my exWW told me that she THOUGHT she wanted a marriage and kids, and she THOUGHT doing so would make her happy and fulfilled. But after our daughter was born she felt that she was just not able to be a mom and was not cut out for family life. She said it overwhelmed her. So she started acting out and seeking her fun and fulfillmenty elsewhere while I took care of our daughter.

 

Now I'm not comparing your WW to my ex, but you should ask her if married life and having kids really makes her happy and fulfilled. Some women, during their growing years, talk themselves into believing that marriage and children is all they want. But when they actually achieve it, the realize they are not cut out for it. I wonder if that is what happened with your wife, because from the way she threw the test wand in front of you, she doesn't seem too happy about this baby that is coming.

 

She needs to start being honest with you. If she is not happy being a mom and wife, then she needs to step aside and let you find a woman who will.

[DKT3]

To be honest, with everything I've read now I think this is over and I just don't want to see it..I hate that she's pregnant now with our 4th child and I'm coming to this but maybe y'all are right..just don't have any fight left in me...today has been a cluster fk...I'm think it may just be time to walk away has much as I hate to..washing 13yrs together is just so hard for me to do..I really had some kind of hope for a sick reason...but just seems cards are stacked against me from what I've been reading..thanks for the help..this has been one the worst things in my life to deal with..but I just can't take it anymore..

 

I'm not sure the message is divorce, the thing is you have to have the truth in order to know what you're​ working to get over. Very little chance your wife has been honest with you. Hell no way she can honestly remember everything now with everything going on.

 

My wife's affair was similar in length, it ended over a decade ago and recently my wife asked me if I wanted something she had just recalled about her affair.

 

Get a polygraph, maybe she isn't being honest, maybe she is, but you will know for sure afterwards. Than with that information you can make a better decision.

[ruined_my_love]

Yes, today has been a cluster. I have spent the last two days apologizing and begging while you have done nothing but call me horrific names and say hateful and hurtful things to me. I have told you repeatedly how sorry I am and how I regret what I've done to you, to us and to our family. I hate myself for what Ive done and I pray for the chance to make it right - as right as I can. But you won't hear any of it. You only want to call me names. I don't know what else to do. I love you and I am sorry.

[ruined_my_love]

Here's some background, and hopefully this will put some of the more off-base comments to rest. I am not a stay at home mom or a housewife. I have worked out entire marriage, at a real job with good salary and benefits. I worked 2 jobs for the first 2 years of our marriage, while he went to school, right up until the week out first son was born. We lived off of my income primarily for most of our marriage. His income was what allowed us to afford "extras" like daycare and an additional car payment. Now, since about 2013, he has brought in more income than me, but my income has always been the steady one. So yes, the money I spent should have gone to my family and I regret that I took those funds from them to do what I did.

I know that you all think that there just has to be so much more to my affair than what I've told....but there wasn't. It was long distance, 3 physical instances and tons and tons of emails, texts, and pictures. I did not love this other person. I did not envision a life with him. Admittedly, there are details I don't remember. When asked "tell me everything you ever said to a person" that is a pretty difficult request to fulfill. I have been able to address more specific inquiries, yes that happened or no we never talked about that.

I've ruined my life and my husband's life. For nothing. And I can't undo that. I can't go back. I love my husband and yes, getting caught made me realize how badly I was hurting him and how much I did love him. That's one of the things that hurts him the most...that I "didn't care" until I got caught. That it's not about him, only that I got caught. But seeing the pain in his eyes showed me just how much he cared. I realize it may be too late. But I know deep down this man loves me or he wouldn't be struggling so much right now. I am trying my hardest to be strong for both of us and consistent on this roller coaster.

I am sure that this sounds just like all the other cheaters, maybe worse. I have nothing to say in my defense because what I have done is indefensible. All I can say is that I am sorry. Truly truly sorry and I could never put anyone through this kind of pain again. Too late, I know.

[DKT3]

Here's some background, and hopefully this will put some of the more off-base comments to rest. I am not a stay at home mom or a housewife. I have worked out entire marriage, at a real job with good salary and benefits. I worked 2 jobs for the first 2 years of our marriage, while he went to school, right up until the week out first son was born. We lived off of my income primarily for most of our marriage. His income was what allowed us to afford "extras" like daycare and an additional car payment. Now, since about 2013, he has brought in more income than me, but my income has always been the steady one. So yes, the money I spent should have gone to my family and I regret that I took those funds from them to do what I did.

I know that you all think that there just has to be so much more to my affair than what I've told....but there wasn't. It was long distance, 3 physical instances and tons and tons of emails, texts, and pictures. I did not love this other person. I did not envision a life with him. Admittedly, there are details I don't remember. When asked "tell me everything you ever said to a person" that is a pretty difficult request to fulfill. I have been able to address more specific inquiries, yes that happened or no we never talked about that.

I've ruined my life and my husband's life. For nothing. And I can't undo that. I can't go back. I love my husband and yes, getting caught made me realize how badly I was hurting him and how much I did love him. That's one of the things that hurts him the most...that I "didn't care" until I got caught. That it's not about him, only that I got caught. But seeing the pain in his eyes showed me just how much he cared. I realize it may be too late. But I know deep down this man loves me or he wouldn't be struggling so much right now. I am trying my hardest to be strong for both of us and consistent on this roller coaster.

I am sure that this sounds just like all the other cheaters, maybe worse. I have nothing to say in my defense because what I have done is indefensible. All I can say is that I am sorry. Truly truly sorry and I could never put anyone through this kind of pain again. Too late, I know.

 

You can take a polygraph....Knowing that your wayward spouse is being honest goes a long way...Are you willing?

[Imajerk17]

I am not texashunter, but I find myself wondering how you (ruined_my_love) managed to stone-cold lie to him when you went away to see your lover each of *3 times*. Did you tell him it was a "business trip" each time?

 

And then each of those 3 times, when you were arrived and saw your lover again, how did you put your husband down? How did you complain about your marriage? Did you make fun of how gullible your husband was for trusting you and tell your lover that you suckered your husband into thinking it was a business trip?

 

And how did you manage to face TH (and your kids) each time you came back home.

 

These questions HAVE to be running through TH's mind too. Anyway, a few days of crying and begging on your part probably aint gonna cut it, sorry to say.

Edited April 13, 2017 by Imajerk17

[Texashunter]

The first event was when she was volunteering at the Spartan race to which he work for. The second she drove to his hotel and lied to her work to take the day off.. the 3rd she said was a business trip.

 

As far as the back gorund she fails to say every time that she wanted me to focus on school and the second job was her idea..I did take a job for awhile but my grades dropped and quit to go back to focusing on school again. I took on since 2007 3 time demanding jobs to make the funds to make things better. Two of them that have been extremely dangerous not to mention physical..but what does that matter to someone who sits in an office. But she was the one who was always tired..and when I put all my efforts to fix our marraige... nothing nor amount of it would be enough...I gave so many chances and even gave her the biggest chance out of it last March to which she turned around the next day to email and send pics...I opened my heart and even took blame for everythingnwrong with us...but nothing..just a bunch of fake tears and more lies.

[Cephalopod]

Here's some background, and hopefully this will put some of the more off-base comments to rest. I am not a stay at home mom or a housewife. I have worked out entire marriage, at a real job with good salary and benefits. I worked 2 jobs for the first 2 years of our marriage, while he went to school, right up until the week out first son was born. We lived off of my income primarily for most of our marriage. His income was what allowed us to afford "extras" like daycare and an additional car payment. Now, since about 2013, he has brought in more income than me, but my income has always been the steady one. So yes, the money I spent should have gone to my family and I regret that I took those funds from them to do what I did.

I know that you all think that there just has to be so much more to my affair than what I've told....but there wasn't. It was long distance, 3 physical instances and tons and tons of emails, texts, and pictures. I did not love this other person. I did not envision a life with him. Admittedly, there are details I don't remember. When asked "tell me everything you ever said to a person" that is a pretty difficult request to fulfill. I have been able to address more specific inquiries, yes that happened or no we never talked about that.

I've ruined my life and my husband's life. For nothing. And I can't undo that. I can't go back. I love my husband and yes, getting caught made me realize how badly I was hurting him and how much I did love him. That's one of the things that hurts him the most...that I "didn't care" until I got caught. That it's not about him, only that I got caught. But seeing the pain in his eyes showed me just how much he cared. I realize it may be too late. But I know deep down this man loves me or he wouldn't be struggling so much right now. I am trying my hardest to be strong for both of us and consistent on this roller coaster.

I am sure that this sounds just like all the other cheaters, maybe worse. I have nothing to say in my defense because what I have done is indefensible. All I can say is that I am sorry. Truly truly sorry and I could never put anyone through this kind of pain again. Too late, I know.

 

I agree with DKT3, that you should take a polygraph test on your own volition and have your husband determine the questions.

 

As for your husband calling you names and yelling at you? Well, sorry muffin, but that is all part and parcel of the Pandora's box you opened up. He's in pain. He is venting outwards because he wants you to understand fully the torment he is going through. Life doesn't work like it does on TV movies. There is no calm, logical discussion with the husband and wife tearfully making up and rug-sweeping. That is all fantasy...just like your affair was. Real life is ugly and brutal and unfair and hurtful. There is no easy way through this.

 

And I know you have heard this but I will repeat it: the pain you are feeling is nowhere near what your husband is experiencing. Nowhere close. Not in the same ballpark or even the same zip code.

 

Believe me, it is better for him to vent it outwards than keep it in and then let the pressure build until he explodes months down the the road like my late-brother did. My brother kept his anger at his WW bottled up and he eventually killed himself. Some husbands take it further and beat their wives or worse.

 

Now... if TH is abusing you physically, then you need to get out and take the kids with you. If you deem his anger and hurtful words as abuse, then I guess you have to make the decision as to whether or not you are willing to stay there and take it...or not.