The other side of the story (the abuser)

[crowlady]

Thanks for replying. I never tried to justify it. I've always said I was wrong. Two replies ago I said that the issue was me not being able to control my anger in that moment. I only mentioned what he did in the initial post for context, not as justification.

 

I'm not a person in denial so to me that is a step in the right direction.

[alsudduth]

Thanks for replying. I never tried to justify it. I've always said I was wrong. Two replies ago I said that the issue was me not being able to control my anger in that moment. I only mentioned what he did in the initial post for context, not as justification.

 

I'm not a person in denial so to me that is a step in the right direction.

 

I think the better question you should be asking yourself, since you are already aware of how you damaged the relationship, is WHY you would want to still be with someone who cheated on you and who still has zero remorse about it?

 

To answer your earlier question though, you should divorce because this marriage is dead in the water...meaning you need to move on as if you aren't going to work things out, and if you both do the work on yourselves that you both separately need and still find yourselves drawn to each other, well then revisit your relationship then.

[Mr. Lucky]

Thanks for replying. I never tried to justify it. I've always said I was wrong. Two replies ago I said that the issue was me not being able to control my anger in that moment. I only mentioned what he did in the initial post for context, not as justification.

 

I'm not a person in denial so to me that is a step in the right direction.

 

Here's what you posted:

 

Recently: Since my therapist moved, the resentment still lingered. I wanted answers. Apart of me hated myself for begging for a man. Also I wanted him to know how he hurt me in hopes that I could put it behind us. We had another argument 3 weeks ago surrounding me trying to talk with him about the affair and him stonewalling me. He said that I deserved to be cheated on but quickly apologized.

 

After months of therapy hearing that the person who cheated say I deserved it, I snapped. Months of trying to use anger management techniques. I hit him and told him to leave for the night. I hit him in front of my stepson.

 

So your therapist moved, you were still hurt and resentful, you wanted answers and he said something especially cutting - and you hit him. Again. Call it context or whatever you want, but surely you see the danger in tying those things together?

 

I'm sure your husband could post an equally self-serving list of reasons he cheated. So there's little hope for your marriage unless and until you both see your conduct as a product of your standards and values, rather than the result of a chain of events.

 

Hope you get the outcome you want...

 

Mr. Lucky

[crowlady]

Again, Mr. Lucky that was a bit of a reach. If anything I was explaining the reason I kept bringing up the issue even a while after it happen. Everything in life happen after a chain of events so to say that those chain of events led up to me hitting was not my attempt at excusing my behavior or offering reasons for why I hit him, only explaining my story to strangers who do not know me. Hence, the paragraph break. I apologize if that's how it seemed.

 

I'm honestly not sure how you have this misconception when I have done nothing but accept responsibility without excuses. I have expressed that no one deserves to be hit, I've acknowledged then and now that I need therapy, and finally the title of the post says it all about the responsibility I am taking in my part of this.

 

I appreciate your input and well wishes for my outcome.

[crowlady]

Apologized today. Just got a "thanks, it means a lot." He's being cordial by asking if I need anything while he's out and letting me know how long he'll be gone if he leaves home (I didn't ask him to do this). He's still in the guest bedroom.

 

A thanks after an apology does not mean all is okay, you are forgiven but not a let's start over. That's a pretty clear sign right? I'm thinking that means I accept your apology but choose not to move forward with you?

 

I know everyone here is saying to step away but I do not want to if there's a slim chance.

[alsudduth]

Apologized today. Just got a "thanks, it means a lot." He's being cordial by asking if I need anything while he's out and letting me know how long he'll be gone if he leaves home (I didn't ask him to do this). He's still in the guest bedroom.

 

A thanks after an apology does not mean all is okay, you are forgiven but not a let's start over. That's a pretty clear sign right? I'm thinking that means I accept your apology but choose not to move forward with you?

 

I know everyone here is saying to step away but I do not want to if there's a slim chance.

 

yes, he is done. I would bet money that he wants to go through with the divorce.

[crowlady]

Remember I filed already thinking we were for sure over. It's been a while and he hasn't turned in the complaint to end the marriage even though the court date is soon. I do not want any alimony or assets stated in the complaint. I will not push for him act on the complaint but I will not withdraw it either. I am not trying to keep him trapped. I've given him the option to walk freely, we will see what happens.

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm honestly not sure how you have this misconception when I have done nothing but accept responsibility without excuses. I have expressed that no one deserves to be hit, I've acknowledged then and now that I need therapy, and finally the title of the post says it all about the responsibility I am taking in my part of this.

 

Didn't you say those same things after the first time ?

 

Look crowlady, no trying to argue. But there's clearly a broken dynamic in your marriage affecting both of you in different ways. And unaddressed, reconciliation could take you right back to the same place, even if that place is only married to an unfaithful husband. Some work still to be done...

 

Mr. Lucky

[crowlady]

Yes, Mr. Lucky. I did say the exact thing and that's the reason I'm confused with you saying that I'm trying to justify me hitting him. I thought if I explained it again you would not have that misconception.

 

However, I do agree with you that a reconciliation must take place only if the issues (of both parties) are addressed. My intention as stated in the prior post, is to find a new individual and couples therapist since the other practice moved.

[crowlady]

Today I found out that my separated husband has already been talking to someone else on the phone. A week after he left he reached out to an old high school friend. I saw the call records and they talk for about an hour each day.

 

Through more snooping I found out that there is a huge possibility that he already has an apartment and is waiting to until it is ready to move in. He was also calling moving companies. He has not told me any of this.

 

I knew that he was capable of being unfaithful but this REALLY hurts. My chest feels tight. I am so hurt that I can not cry. After I told him over email what I knew, he did not address anything mentioned and gave me an off topic response.

 

I want to tell him how badly hurt I am but I do not know if that is a good idea. How do I cope?

[skywriter]

Cope by acceptance, moving forward, and indifference.

[Mr. Lucky]

I want to tell him how badly hurt I am but I do not know if that is a good idea.

 

I think even you know confronting him wouldn't accomplish much, he's obviously going to do what he wants. Time to focus on you and your future, all you can really do...

 

Mr. Lucky

[springy]

I think even you know confronting him wouldn't accomplish much, he's obviously going to do what he wants. Time to focus on you and your future, all you can really do...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Agree. He was never willing to work on it in the first place. Never wanted to go to counseling, never wanted to discuss his infidelity. None of that has changed. Even if you were to get back together you would need to accept him as is and without answers to your questions, in order to keep the peace. You were never ok with that so right back into the same cycle you'd go.

[crowlady]

I appreciate all of your replies.

 

I am having a really hard time coping. Husband has officially moved out. He was being nice to me before he left (bringing my favorite candy back from the store, etc) so I find comfort in knowing that he is not angry so there may be a chance to reconcile in the future. Could be indifference instead but he did tell me he was having a hard time with us ending. Maybe it shouldn't matter how he feels about me.

 

The house is so lonely now. I sometimes get in the car and drive around for hours so that I do not have to be reminded of the many memories we shared in the home. I stay late for work and go in early. Tried wine once the kids are down nothing is seeming to help but oddly I haven't cried. Shock has not worn off.

 

He still has not signed the divorce papers which I think he is possibly stalling to avoid alimony or child support.

 

What are my best chances of how to act in the present getting him back long long in the future? In the meantime for those of you who have been left, how long did it take you to not constantly be reminded and move on functioning everyday?

[crowlady]

Here is a quick recap of my story:

 

Husband cheated, I threatened numerous times to leave. Arrogant husband started taking me for granted because I appeared needy to try to fix us. I coped by being insecure and suspicious which eventually led to me hitting him and asking him to leave the home in the moment. This was several weeks ago. Husband left that night and moved out the next day. Came back shortly but eventually found a flat. I moved out, filed for a divorce only to protect myself not because I wanted to (protect myself because everything was in his name). He signed the divorce but we haven't had court. I want him back.

 

Our mutual friend had a party and we both went and shared jokes. It was just like old times.

 

Presently, husband sees our kids up to 5 times a week. I agree to him coming to get them whenever he asks to see them so I see him everyday almost exchanging the kids. He sometimes says "I love you all" talking about me too when I pick the kids up. I didn't read too much into it. About a monthsgo he was called me and said he was having a very hard time with the separation. Missed being with me and the kids everyday and that he still loved me. Says he thinks about me all the time. Even brought up a memory we shared and said I'll always love you. He is friendly and tells me about his day when we exchange kids. Basically says get "home safe and I love you guys". I mostly respond by saying I hope you feel better (less heartbroken) later and I love you too.

 

I did not think too much about it because forums will describe this as breadcrumbs. since he is so arrogant and I acted needy I can't come out and ask him directly. And I can't handle the rejection.

 

My question is are these things breadcrumbs or am I ignoring that he is trying to extend an olive branch to possibly get back together? How should I respond to the "I still love you" and "I miss you" if determined to be more than ego boost to him. I'm terrified of getting my hopes up only to have him tell me he loves me but can't be with me.

[MJJean]

It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if he does still love you because you two are clearly oil and water and should not have gotten back together since the very first time you split up.

 

If you want my guess, he's keeping things friendly because he has to see you daily to see his kids. You're divorcing. Why isn't he coming to pick up the kids at a prearranged time, taking them with him for his parenting time, and bringing them home? Seeing each other daily like this isn't healthy for you. You aren't moving forward. And it probably confuses the kids. Not to mention it's unsustainable.

[crowlady]

Thanks for your input.

 

I thought that I was doing a good thing by allowing him to get the kids everyday. It hurts me to see him daily but I thought that him spending time with the kids was best for them despite it being torture on me. Isn't denying him time with the kids for my own emotions manipulative or are you saying set a time for it instead?

 

I pick the kids up from summer camp and daycare because it is closest to my work than where we live so I pick them up most days and drop them off with him. He takes them to his place and brings them back or I go back to get them.

 

I have been moving on and he has no idea that I feel the way I do because I hold it together around him. He would call to pick up the kids but I would try to limit contact to text only. I actually feel that I'm okay without him even though I do wish him back. I haven't been needy or text/call him all the time. I had not been taking anything he says literally but the contact seems to be more frequent and many interjections unrelated to the kids when the kids aren't around. For instance he called me to say that he was sad and missed me and think about me all day. Normally he says I miss you and the kids.

 

It's never sexual and he's been really apologetic about everything that doesn't need an apology. "Sorry I won't be together today" "I apologize that I didn't respond faster when I was at work" "Sorry you ran into traffic on the way here" I could get him to apologize before!

Edited June 29, 2017 by crowlady

[stillafool]

Here is a quick recap of my story:

 

Husband cheated, I threatened numerous times to leave. Arrogant husband started taking me for granted because I appeared needy to try to fix us. I coped by being insecure and suspicious which eventually led to me hitting him and asking him to leave the home in the moment. This was several weeks ago. Husband left that night and moved out the next day. Came back shortly but eventually found a flat. I moved out, filed for a divorce only to protect myself not because I wanted to (protect myself because everything was in his name). He signed the divorce but we haven't had court. I want him back.

 

Our mutual friend had a party and we both went and shared jokes. It was just like old times.

 

Presently, husband sees our kids up to 5 times a week. I agree to him coming to get them whenever he asks to see them so I see him everyday almost exchanging the kids. He sometimes says "I love you all" talking about me too when I pick the kids up. I didn't read too much into it. About a monthsgo he was called me and said he was having a very hard time with the separation. Missed being with me and the kids everyday and that he still loved me. Says he thinks about me all the time. Even brought up a memory we shared and said I'll always love you. He is friendly and tells me about his day when we exchange kids. Basically says get "home safe and I love you guys". I mostly respond by saying I hope you feel better (less heartbroken) later and I love you too.

 

I did not think too much about it because forums will describe this as breadcrumbs. since he is so arrogant and I acted needy I can't come out and ask him directly. And I can't handle the rejection.

 

My question is are these things breadcrumbs or am I ignoring that he is trying to extend an olive branch to possibly get back together? How should I respond to the "I still love you" and "I miss you" if determined to be more than ego boost to him. I'm terrified of getting my hopes up only to have him tell me he loves me but can't be with me.

 

He probably does love you because you have been his partner for a number of years and you two brought kids into this world. There will always be love between you. That does not mean that he is still "in love" with you. I think if he were he wouldn't have moved out and contacted other women to date. I think you would do best to proceed as if he isn't coming back. You are correct that he is more than likely holding up the divorce papers because he knows he is going to have to start paying out once he signs them.

[sandylee1]

I think you need to stop hoping things will turn into reconciliation.

 

I'll be honest, if I was hit (especially in front of my child), I wouldn't be going back to that relationship. That sends the message that it's okay to be violent.

 

I'd be very worried that you could unleash this anger onto your children as they grow older.

 

Whilst you may have good reason to be angry, I wouldn't want my son to be married to a woman who hits him, regardless of whether or not it leaves a bruise on him.

 

Go ahead with the divorce and work on yourself in therapy.

[crowlady]

Update: Husband called last night and said he wanted to work things out. He said he has been really sad and being apart has made him realize how much he loves me. We talked for about three hours and agreed that it would be best to take things extremely slow and start counseling together and individually. He said that I had to promise to get help for my anger and he promised would do individual counseling for his infidelity to get to the root. We will find counseling this week. He has given me all of his passwords and emails even though I have no urge to check. I suggested that we continue to live apart for a few months and we are going together to stop the divorce tomorrow. I am so happy.

 

For those of you in this position, It's not over until it's over. Everyone does not always get a second chance as we have but where there is live there is hope.

 

Thanks for the replies everyone.

Edited July 3, 2017 by crowlady