Divorce! Why is it so hard to make that first step?

[DreamStar]

It's so frustrating to be with someone who has no ambitions. My husband does not work. Unemployment has loomed over his head for 3 years. He fills out an application once every few months.On top of the unemployed status, he freaking drinks everyday until he slurs. He's cheated for 8 out of 10 years of our relationship. Why? You'll have to ask him. I can't fathom being unfaithful. In 10 years, he's the only man I've been with. Why? Well, I can answer that. I follow the golden rule of life. Do until others as you would have them do unto you.

 

I understand he is not holding me hostage. Im my own enemy in this situation. I've convinced myself that I'm in a unhealthy relationship because I want my boys to have their dad around. My parents were married for 33 years. They stayed married until death did them apart. I really believed this man that grew up in a broken home would be the opposite of his "rolling stone" father.

 

I'm writing this furious. Mostly at myself for putting up with this (insert expletive.) Why is it so hard to file for a divorce?

Edited May 18, 2017 by DreamStar

[basil67]

Possibly it's difficult because you have the belief that it's better for the boys to have their dad around? But weigh up the facts:

 

* you stay and their role models consist of a drunken, unemployed father and a mother who apparently finds this acceptable

 

* you leave and they get the message that a drunken, unemployed father is no role model and they see a mother with the strength to do what is right for them.

 

What do your boys say about their father?

[Popsicle]

I've convinced myself that I'm in a unhealthy relationship because I want my boys to have their dad around.

 

Some people take this stance - the stance of staying for the kids. I wouldn't do it but it's a legitimate stance to take.

 

Some people also take the stance of "in sickness and in health", "until death do us part", no matter how bad it is, you stay because you took a vow.

[amaysngrace]

He broke his vow to you to forsake all others so I'd say all bets are off.

 

Filing for divorce is hard because change can be scary, especially as a woman raising children on her own. But when I was weighing it out I remember thinking what I had sucked but maybe doing it all alone wouldn't suck as bad and even if it did my situation already sucked so what was there to lose?

 

I figured it was worth a shot and it turns out that I love my life. I don't know that if I hadn't left 12 years ago I'd be able to make that claim, in fact I highly doubt I would, because being married to him sucked.

 

You only get one life. You should try to live it happily.

[Titanll]

I can't relate through experience. Unfortunately nothing you decide to do will be painless whether you stay together or divorce. There's no financial benefit or fatherly example that your children will be missing out on by staying together. I think that there's a better chance of you finding happiness for you and your children if you divorce but that's a huge step and you will have to see that as the lesser of two evils. No easy answer.

[health]

Take the stand against his legacy, so when history writes itself it'll see that he was left because of his drunkenness and cheating. You on the other hand can live the rest of your life healthy, going for your dreams.

[littleblackheart]

Hi DreamStar

 

I can totally relate. I too stayed married to someone I stopped respecting for much longer than necessary, because of the vows;he, on the other hand, couldn't care less about the vows and was lazy, self-centered,a bad father figure, a liar, and he also cheated. Like you, I stayed out of duty.

 

Then I realised the bad example I was setting for my children. I didn't want my boy to emulate his father or see him as any kind of role-model and I didn't want my daughter to think all men were like her father.

 

When I caught wind of the cheating through a friend who saw him with someone else, that was my 'no going back' ticket out of the marriage. I also saw some incriminating messages (on my computer!!) I left him there and then. It's been years now and despite the financial and emotional toll, I don't regret anything and the kids are flourishing.

 

It's not been plain sailing and we've had to adjust to a different lifestyle (childcare isn't cheap, and my immediate family are scattered across Europe) but it's been worth it for the peace of mind and taking back control of my life.

 

I don't necessarily want to be in another relationship and work part-time so I can raise my kids my way but I'm proud of the fact I am providing a safe, loving and happy environment for my kids, because their welfare means everything to me.

 

Divorce really was a last resort decision for me but I'm glad I've made that choice - it's also a very personal decision that depends on so many different factors and circumstances. Whatever you decide, just know there is light at the end of the tunnel, and you don't need to lead a miserable life out of duty.

Edited May 18, 2017 by littleblackheart

[Miss Peach]

I stayed in a similar situation until he tried to scare, hurt, and control me. I wasn't going to break my vows over the money thing because he had enough but after the divorce it's one of the things I'm really happy I don't have to deal with anymore.

 

In my situation, the kiddo adjusted well to the new normal and seem to be doing well. It's strange not seeing your kid everyday but at the same time I've been able to take care of myself much better than when married.