Depressed, Foreigner Solo Dad

[SoloDad]

I've been lurking on these forums for a few months, recommended by a friend from my hometown. I hadn't been able to find my voice on here to share my story, yet, at some point, I must. So I will.

 

My purpose for writing is partially to have partners in coping with my feelings. I feel I can't be truly honest with people I know, just because, really, I feel none of them want me to be truly honest. Therefore, I need someone, even anonymous posters on a forum, to help me cope.

 

Here's the gist of the story. I had been married six years as of last July. I am American living in Korea for now a decade, my wife Korean. She graduated from one of the top universities in Korea, and she is highly fluent in English, so communication was never our problem. We had a grand dating relationship, and, as far as I knew, a decent marriage. We hardly fought, with never a major battle. Ten months after our marriage, we welcomed our first son (May 2011). Twenty-six months later, we welcomed our second (July 2013).

 

For me, I am a professor in Korea. One of the perks of being a professor is that I don't work as many hours as the typical laborer. I also get quite a lot of vacation time since I am off when the students are off. However, I don't make great money. For my wife, she also works at a university, but since she is administrative staff, she puts in 40+ hours per week, and she makes quite a bit more money than I do. Therefore, for the majority of my kids' lives, I have been their primary caretaker because of having more time.

 

One year after my second son was born, my wife's father had a recurrence of Leukemia that he first suffered from before we dated. Unfortunately, he lost his battle and passed away in October of 2014. During the funeral, I tried to be a dutiful son-in-law by doing what I thought might be best, taking care of my young kids, as well as my wife's three siblings' kids. In all, I took four nephews, one niece, and my two sons away from the funeral home during the nights (in Korea, they mourn at the funeral home day and night for three days) so that the adults could mourn without worrying about the kids. I thought I was doing a good thing because I was not familiar with the Korean traditions of mourning, and I was allowing those in mourning to do it worry-free so to speak.

 

Not long after my father-in-law's funeral, my wife brought up how critical some of her extended family was of me for not being in the mourning room. I shrugged it off because I was doing something I thought was beneficial to those who were involved. However, it was one of those few times where my wife suddenly was very angry at me, asking why I didn't respect Korean traditions. And she asked me what would happen in the States under similar circumstances. I said that the same extended family who complained about my absence would have instead volunteered to watch the kids. She dropped it from there after telling me I should have been "more Korean" for her father's funeral, despite there being the problem of our two young kids being quite needy during those times. Basically, participating in the mourning traditions I didn't understand, while no one could explain to me what to do for the times I was in there, was more important than the care of my children. Point noted.... time passed.

 

Last year, I noticed my wife was suddenly more into exercise than she had ever been. She was waking at 5 AM to get in workouts. She was also changing her style suddenly. When I asked her about it, she mentioned that she just wanted to get in shape and dress better. I also would walk her to work every morning. Our kids' schools and her university were all within a total 45-minute walking time. So, I would walk with her to drop off the kids at their schools, and then I would walk her to her office. After, I would walk back home and get ready for my working day. So, in all, she was getting at least a 90-minute workout every morning. She had just changed to a new department, which was supposedly lowering stress, and she was getting off work hours earlier each day, which gave us more family time in the evenings. I thought things were OK.

 

Although I didn't plan to visit the States last summer, my wife's sister wanted her boy to "study English" in the States through experiencing Summer Camp. Therefore, before I knew it, I was planning a summer trip with my boys, my sister-in-law, and my nephew. My wife couldn't get a vacation until later in the summer, so she was going to meet us about three weeks into our trip.

 

When it came to the night before she would arrive, I received an email from her saying that she was not coming and she would explain to me when I got back to Korea. That was the absolutely first time I suspected something was awry in my marriage. My sister-in-law was confused and she sent off for my wife's other sister to investigate why. None of them were able to tell me anything. In fact, my wife refused to speak to any of them during that time, too.

 

On August 2, my sister-in-law, nephew, two boys, and I returned to Korea. We parted ways at the airport since we live in different cities. Once I arrived at my place with the boys, all three of us exhausted, my wife was there waiting for us. She informed me that she was kicking me out, along with the two boys, whom she "felt like weren't hers." I was shocked, to say the least. I asked for a little time to at least let us recover, in which she complied. I told her also that she needed to tell the boys goodbye before she left. She said to them, "Boys, I'm a bad mommy. Goodbye." That was it. And then she walked out.

 

Two days later, she sent me an email which basically read, "Get out of my house, and take the boys with you, or I will call the police." I didn't question the email or take time to figure out if it was an empty threat. I didn't take any chances but left. That started a period of scrambling to recover while the boys and I were virtually homeless. She also demanded that I not contact her family, and she required the same of them. They listened to her, for whatever f***ed up reasons they felt they needed to.

 

In Korea, you cannot divorce without "fault" unless both parties agree to a lawyer-free uncontested divorce. My wife wanted that type of divorce where she would grant me full custody and offer about $10K for my moving fee. That was all. I was desperate, knowing I had no home, so I asked for $40K, something that could get me back to the States and allow me to at least purchase a car to start on a job search and have a little money for basic needs. It was stupid, but, like I said, I was homeless in a foreign country and desperate. I felt that was a fair asking price without knowing what I could get.

 

My wife responded with a "How dare you be so greedy" response. Thus, while I was waiting on a lawyer, I knew that my best bet was to sue her. I found a lawyer, and filed suit in late August. By September, I had found an apartment. The boys and I were bouncing around to a few friends' apartments during August, so we never had to sleep outside or anything like that. Of course, my wife hid away all the money so that I couldn't access any of it. So, money was a serious issue for me, with all that I had left going into the first month's deposit and rent. I also had to deal with registering the boys in school, as well as a few other issues, many where I could have used a native Korean speaker to help me out.

 

Fast forward nine months later. The boys and I have been on our own all this time. These days, I am not desperate for money, but I am still waiting on the Korean courts to do something. I was informed by my lawyer that my wife is counter suing me for "damages," most of which I don't understand. I suspect she has had some sort of mental breakdown because she was always a sane, intelligent person. I just don't understand. I mostly don't understand that, even if she is pissed off at me, what the boys have to do with it. Why did she throw them away?

 

Last weekend, I threw a 6th birthday party for my older son. I was sad. Deeply sad. There were a number of factors. It being a birthday without his mother or any other family but his brother and me. There being a few last-minute cancellations, all by parents of children. That my family couldn't experience his birthday because we're stuck here until an official custody ruling by the court.

 

There are some deep, dark feelings, not of desperation or violence, but of emotional emptiness. Mostly, I am lonely. I never get a break. I never really get to sit there and express my true feelings to another adult because I feel they either don't want to listen or the boys are near enough by that I just can't talk about particular details without them hearing. I miss companionship. I cannot find joy in anything. My frustration with the boys is starting to reach a boiling point just because I need a night out with the guys. People aren't volunteering to give me a free night, and hiring babysitters is not really a cultural practice here like it is in the States.

 

So, here on LoveShack.org, this is my heavy introduction of myself and circumstances surrounding my impending divorce, as well as why I have used the nickname "SoloDad."

 

Any comments or questions are welcome.

 

Thank you for reading.

[todreaminblue]

Being a single parent is hard even with an more amiable seperation, it is really sad about your boys and honestly a real loss for the mum she will feel one day and for you...solodad,

i think you are pretty awesome....

 

you obviously have a really big heart and are a loving father...so dont doubt you are awesome...

 

even awesome parents have days they want to tie kids to ceiling fans and run away and join a circus..........the awesomeness comes when you stay and dont tie them to ceiling fans...:0)

 

 

...i am a single mum of five.....but i have support i have been blessed with support ...what really helped me was finding a church i love and believe in as well...the peopel in my church are really kind to me and really really helpful.....i know all i woudl have to do is ask fro help...and they come....so many friends...never had so many in all my life....real friends...not fair weather......

 

love shack helps soemtimes i feel its easier to be open with people who arent so close to me.....i read stories on here and feel a real need to help others...when i get a bit world weary ro bogged down with my own issues....i can escape a little and still be me helping others.... i can come here and help in a more detached way......not so affected.....havign support of friends and fam in real life is i believe necessary to cope.....for most if not all single parents....

 

i validate your struggles solodad..what you and your boys have gone through is highly traumatic.......and i feel support is what would really help you...on here and in real life....

 

would you consider attending a church with your boys or joining a single parent group?...somewhere you can feel you can open up and make some friends who are adults in similar situations to yours so you feel comfortable...how are your boys going at school......any changes/...issues....are they makign friends...or withdrawing.......have you made any friends.......with parents at their school..........deb

Edited May 18, 2017 by todreaminblue

[somanymistakes]

Wow, that's really rough. I'm so sorry. It sounds like she's just trying to make you 'disappear', and the kids with you, so she can pretend the whole thing never happened.

 

Have you made any further attempts to talk to your sister-in-law? It seems like she might be sympathetic to the boys at least...

[SoloDad]

 

would you consider attending a church with your boys or joining a single parent group?...somewhere you can feel you can open up and make some friends who are adults in similar situations to yours so you feel comfortable...how are your boys going at school......any changes/...issues....are they makign friends...or withdrawing.......have you made any friends.......with parents at their school..........deb

 

Thanks for the kind words. I do have some other expatriate friends here, but most of them are either single and not very interested in the care of kids or they are family people who just don't want to take care of more kids. There is a couple who helps out sometimes, but a couple of hours in a week is just not enough. As far as churches are concerned, there is the language issue. My Korean is limited, so church would be me listening to something I don't understand at all. For the parents of my kids' school, it's the same situation: language issues between us.

 

The boys are the same as they ever were at school. The oldest never would speak Korean at school, even when my wife was around because he was a bit shy and sensed that his Korean level was lower than his peers. So he just quit talking at school. He never stops talking around other English-speaking kids, though.

[SoloDad]

Wow, that's really rough. I'm so sorry. It sounds like she's just trying to make you 'disappear', and the kids with you, so she can pretend the whole thing never happened.

 

Have you made any further attempts to talk to your sister-in-law? It seems like she might be sympathetic to the boys at least...

 

On advice of my lawyer, I am expected to comply with all of my wife's demands regardless of how ridiculous they are to further help my case. Therefore, I cannot contact my in-laws; they must contact me. The big picture is that it should mean the court rules in my favor, granting me full solo custody (and the ability to move back to the U.S.) and that she owes a chunk of change for the profits she made from selling our place and the savings we had accrued.

[butterfly1958]

You sound very sad and rather stuck with where you are with the loss of your marriage. What are your options other than staying where you are at? How can your family support you? Life has ups and downs and one cannot changed the actual event but how can you change your attitude toward what has happened. Have you been to a counselor or a life coach to help process your thoughts and feelings? A person like this to talk with may help more than you know. My thoughts are with you as you love and care for the boys. Glad to hear the boys seem to be adjusting well. Let us know how it goes.

[reboot]

I raised two boys basically by myself. They're both grown now and neither of them have anything to do with their mother, just like she had nothing to do with them. It's really sad. One day she will regret what she did. So will yours. Small consolation I know, but such is life.

 

I wish I could tell you that someday it won't hurt you or your boys anymore....

[Mr. Lucky]

The big picture is that it should mean the court rules in my favor, granting me full solo custody (and the ability to move back to the U.S.) and that she owes a chunk of change for the profits she made from selling our place and the savings we had accrued.

 

Wow, it's just hard to imagine a parent walking away from their children. How fortunate they've had you to care for them, certainly tough on everyone involved. Hope your return to the States brings brighter days and more opportunities...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Cephalopod]

What a heartbreaking story. I feel so bad for you. That must be an awful thing to go through.

 

I can't imagine being in the position you are. Once the divorce is final and if you are granted sole custody of your boys, will you be moving back to the States?

 

I'm wondering if she is having an affair?

[MJJean]

My uncle was a military man who lived in Korea and married a Korean woman. They were married 8 or 9 years with a son and daughter when she kicked him and​ the kids out. She literally told my uncle she'd give him the kids if he'd pay off the house and sign it over to her, so he did.

 

Turns out, she'd met a Korean man and wanted to " start over" by having a new Korean family. She had 3 more kids with her Korean husband that she was proud of because they were pure Korean and raised with Korean traditions.

 

My uncle met and married a woman from the Philippines who was also a single parent and they happily raised their kids together here in the US.

 

There is life out there. You just gotta get through the suck, but it does get better.

[lovely81]

Your story touched me. You write really well--journalling or blogging (and of course LS) could help with your healing process. I wish you and your children the best--they are lucky to have such a sensitive father.

[SoloDad]

You sound very sad and rather stuck with where you are with the loss of your marriage. What are your options other than staying where you are at? How can your family support you? Life has ups and downs and one cannot changed the actual event but how can you change your attitude toward what has happened. Have you been to a counselor or a life coach to help process your thoughts and feelings? A person like this to talk with may help more than you know. My thoughts are with you as you love and care for the boys. Glad to hear the boys seem to be adjusting well. Let us know how it goes.

 

Thank you for your kind words.

 

My only option right now is to stay in my current job and get as much help as I can with certain life aspects. That's easy during the semester months, but for the vacation months, most of the foreigners leave for an extended vacation.

 

For my family, really there is nothing they can do right now. My parents did help out by lending me money to pay my lawyer's retainer fees. I might also need to take another small loan from them to help me pay for some courses I am taking online.

 

As far as counseling is concerned, there are no English-speaking counselors here that I know of. I was willing to try an online counseling program, which I think would be really helpful for me to deal with my feelings.

 

Unfortunately, for that, too, I would need funds in my U.S. bank account, so I might have to ask my family for a few more bucks. At this time, I cannot send money to the States in case I am audited by the courts here, which I suspect will happen.

[SoloDad]

I raised two boys basically by myself. They're both grown now and neither of them have anything to do with their mother, just like she had nothing to do with them. It's really sad. One day she will regret what she did. So will yours. Small consolation I know, but such is life.

 

I wish I could tell you that someday it won't hurt you or your boys anymore....

 

I feel the same way. At least, I hope so. I thought my wife was a good person. She's been responsible her entire life. For whatever broke in her, I hope one day she realizes what pain she caused many other people through her own greedy choices.

[SoloDad]

Wow, it's just hard to imagine a parent walking away from their children. How fortunate they've had you to care for them, certainly tough on everyone involved. Hope your return to the States brings brighter days and more opportunities...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Thank you for your kind words. I have been working hard for the "more opportunities" part ever since she left us. I have invested a lot of time in expanding my job skills so that the boys won't have to live a life of paycheck to paycheck like we've been doing for the last nearly 10 months.

[SoloDad]

What a heartbreaking story. I feel so bad for you. That must be an awful thing to go through.

 

I can't imagine being in the position you are. Once the divorce is final and if you are granted sole custody of your boys, will you be moving back to the States?

 

I'm wondering if she is having an affair?

 

Thank you for your kind words.

 

Yes, I plan to move back to the U.S. as soon as possible. That largely depends on when the final ruling would occur. If it were to occur once a semester begins, I would leave at the conclusion of the semester so that I would not disrupt the university or my students' time. It would be hard to have to wait that much longer, but fair to my employer and students.

 

As far as an affair is concerned, there was no proof or suspicion of that at the time. It could be possible, but it would have had to have been an emotional affair up until that point. And I'm not sure who it could be. Her office was made up of almost only women, and she usually came home right after work.

[SoloDad]

My uncle was a military man who lived in Korea and married a Korean woman. They were married 8 or 9 years with a son and daughter when she kicked him and​ the kids out. She literally told my uncle she'd give him the kids if he'd pay off the house and sign it over to her, so he did.

 

Turns out, she'd met a Korean man and wanted to " start over" by having a new Korean family. She had 3 more kids with her Korean husband that she was proud of because they were pure Korean and raised with Korean traditions.

 

My uncle met and married a woman from the Philippines who was also a single parent and they happily raised their kids together here in the US.

 

There is life out there. You just gotta get through the suck, but it does get better.

 

Thank you for your uncle's story. In a case of irony, during my visit to the States last year, I met a man in my parents' neighborhood who had the same situation happen. His Korean wife abandoned his boy and him. In her case, she left from America to Korea. I thought at the time, "That would never happen to me because my wife isn't capable of doing that."

 

Well, assuming I spend some time living with my parents until I get my feet under me, there will be, in a town with few Korean-American residents, a small neighborhood of three half-Korean kids who no longer know their mothers. It seems like a pattern. Based on the number of other stories I've heard in recent months, especially among the military, it almost is.

[SoloDad]

Your story touched me. You write really well--journalling or blogging (and of course LS) could help with your healing process. I wish you and your children the best--they are lucky to have such a sensitive father.

 

Thank you for your kind words.

 

I actually did start a blog based on my situation. Unfortunately, the duties of the semester, as well as planning for a career change, has meant that I have neglected my blog since February. However, I do plan to get back started on it at the conclusion of the semester in late June.

[MJJean]

Thank you for your uncle's story. In a case of irony, during my visit to the States last year, I met a man in my parents' neighborhood who had the same situation happen. His Korean wife abandoned his boy and him. In her case, she left from America to Korea. I thought at the time, "That would never happen to me because my wife isn't capable of doing that."

 

Well, assuming I spend some time living with my parents until I get my feet under me, there will be, in a town with few Korean-American residents, a small neighborhood of three half-Korean kids who no longer know their mothers. It seems like a pattern. Based on the number of other stories I've heard in recent months, especially among the military, it almost is.

 

I honestly suspect a cultural issue is at play here. I have heard that certain Asian cultures place a high value on " purity". If that's true, I suspect these women are able to abandon their " mutt" children because they see them as less than and feel a certain shame we just can't understand being raised in melting pot societies.

 

My former aunt was pregnant right away with her Korean babies (twins) and then had a second pregnancy as soon as she healed. She stayed in the US, but lived a traditional Korean lifestyle. She barely spoke to my cousins, but worshipped her Korean kids. She didn't even care when the cousins graduated or when they had her first grandchildren.

 

Just give those babies all the love you can, make sure they have friends and family surrounding them, do what you can to help them stay in touch with their Korean cultural heritage, and watch them grow into wonderful adults. It's your ex's loss.