Married 26 yrs - wanting divorce

[Mrs. Miserable]

My husband and I have been married 26 years. We have a 16 yo son. I hate to admit, but I've been miserable about 20 of the combined 26 years. I feel like I've wasted the best years of my life. We were hs sweethearts and married when I was 18. He's a good person. Honest. Faithful. Provides financially. But, he doesn't provide my other needs. We have nothing in common. In previous years, he rarely touches me unless he wants sex. Every time I ask for a divorce, he starts being the husband I've been wanting all these years. I've been asking for a divorce for 5 years. It's too late to repair my heart. He doesn't understand that. He says now that I'm not trying. I've begged him to act like he's acting now and treat me like he's treating me now. Unfortunately, it's too late. Have I lost my mind? Anyone relate???

[PegNosePete]

If you have decided that the marriage is over then don't ask for a divorce. See a lawyer and file for one.

 

If you want a divorce then you do not need his permission, co-operation or even his signature.

[Mrs. Miserable]

I have been seeing an attorney for almost a year. We have a difficult tax return and assets to consider, so it makes it more complicated. I have all the paperwork from the attorney. I just have to give him to go ahead to serve my husband. I so don't want a fight or a contested divorce. I have been hoping to reach an agreement before actually filing. Is that impossible? Am I too hopeful?

[BaileyB]

I have been seeing an attorney for almost a year. We have a difficult tax return and assets to consider, so it makes it more complicated. I have all the paperwork from the attorney. I just have to give him to go ahead to serve my husband. I so don't want a fight or a contested divorce. I have been hoping to reach an agreement before actually filing. Is that impossible? Am I too hopeful?

 

Only time will tell. Divorce is expensive, assets must be split, your life will change forever... But, if you are really that miserable and you are sure that you want to divorce, what are you waiting for?

 

I'm sure you have thought of this, but I believe that at his age your son can chose the parent with whom he wants to live. Be aware, it may not be you. Just another thing to consider.

Edited May 18, 2017 by BaileyB

[jjgitties]

I am sorry to hear about your situation. You are not alone. I am in a similar situation but roles reversed.

 

It sounds like you have been discussing this with your H for a while and he has always tried to stop you and changes for a bit but then returns to his old ways.

 

Based on that, I think it might be a little hopeful to think it will not be contested. I mean, both parties have to really want to divorce in order for it to go through amicably and easily -- and the H has already said no a few times, yes?

 

As others have stated. You need to decide if you really want to go through with it and then just tell the lawyer to go ahead. Yes, assets and what not will get divided in whatever way they seem fair, but once its over you can move on with your life and your sanity.

 

Will you move on and not find another man who is similar -- there are no guarantees.

Edited May 19, 2017 by jjgitties

[amaysngrace]

Is he a good father and have you ever done marriage counseling?

[Mrs. Miserable]

Thanks for the responses. I appreciate the support and advice. I'm fine with my son living with both of us. I don't want to take my son's dad away from him. He's a good influence on him.

[Mrs. Miserable]

I have done counseling on my own throughout the years, but we've never gone together. He asked if I would go with him. I told him I would if he found the counselor and made the appt. just as I thought, he never made the appointment.

[BaileyB]

Thanks for the responses. I appreciate the support and advice. I'm fine with my son living with both of us. I don't want to take my son's dad away from him. He's a good influence on him.

 

Worst case scenario - what if you son tells you he wants to live with his dad full time? Are you prepared for that possibility?

[amaysngrace]

Maybe your H doesn't want to pick the counselor because he's afraid you'll just complain about whoever he chooses.

 

I don't get it....he's faithful honest and a good father to your son so why would you divorce him during your son's HS years?

 

If I were you I'd set up the marriage counseling myself.

[Mrs. Miserable]

No. Honestly I'm not prepared for my son to live w his dad full time. That would devastate me.

 

I don't want to

Keep

Putting the divorce off because I realize how short life is. My son is very tough. He will get through it. As for choosing a counselor.... I do t mind choosing one, but I wanted to just see how serious he was about going. Obviously he wasn't very serious. Just like everything else, I'm expected to handle it all. He. Ever takes on responsibility at home (besides providing financially).

[amaysngrace]

No. Honestly I'm not prepared for my son to live w his dad full time. That would devastate me.

 

I don't want to

Keep

Putting the divorce off because I realize how short life is. My son is very tough. He will get through it. As for choosing a counselor.... I do t mind choosing one, but I wanted to just see how serious he was about going. Obviously he wasn't very serious. Just like everything else, I'm expected to handle it all. He. Ever takes on responsibility at home (besides providing financially).

 

Why don't you set it up and see if he'll go with you to prove how serious about going he is? And if you don't want to do it as a favor to your marriage then do it as a favor to your son who deserves parents who won't throw in the towel before fighting to save their marriage in every way possible?

 

It seems to me that you're complaining about him and his lack of effort to distract from your own lack of effort. He provides well so the least you can do is schedule the appointments.

 

FYI someone is going to snatch him up in a heartbeat. Good men are hard to find. And all the woman will have to do is appreciate him a little and he'll be all turned on again.

[FBCoach23]

My husband and I have been married 26 years. We have a 16 yo son. I hate to admit, but I've been miserable about 20 of the combined 26 years. I feel like I've wasted the best years of my life. We were hs sweethearts and married when I was 18. He's a good person. Honest. Faithful. Provides financially. But, he doesn't provide my other needs. We have nothing in common. In previous years, he rarely touches me unless he wants sex. Every time I ask for a divorce, he starts being the husband I've been wanting all these years. I've been asking for a divorce for 5 years. It's too late to repair my heart. He doesn't understand that. He says now that I'm not trying. I've begged him to act like he's acting now and treat me like he's treating me now. Unfortunately, it's too late. Have I lost my mind? Anyone relate???

 

You know, i've been married 3 years almost and with my wife for total of 5 years. I've noticed that even though we're with someone for so long we all tend to say "miserable for" I'm in a situation of contemplating leaving my wife. I'm miserable myself. We have a big past. We dated in HS as well when we were 16 and 17. We like you two, have nothing in common really. I don't feel my heart can be repaired. Know this, you're not alone. You haven't lost your mind. I think we're just getting to that point to go and need some validation.

[mightycpa]

What are his reasons for not wanting a divorce? Maybe talking about that is the way to make him see the issue differently, especially if you point out what you won't do for him, even if you stay married.

 

It's one thing for him to hear what you want and you don't think you're getting... as if those are the hoops he must jump through to stay married. But what are the hoops that he'd want you to jump through and are you willing to do them? He may not have looked at it from that perspective.

[stillafool]

No. Honestly I'm not prepared for my son to live w his dad full time. That would devastate me.

 

I don't want to

Keep

Putting the divorce off because I realize how short life is. My son is very tough. He will get through it. As for choosing a counselor.... I do t mind choosing one, but I wanted to just see how serious he was about going. Obviously he wasn't very serious. Just like everything else, I'm expected to handle it all. He. Ever takes on responsibility at home (besides providing financially).

 

Stop leaving the decision to divorce up to your husband. You are the one who wants a divorce so go ahead and file and have him served. What is the hold up since you say your son will be fine and the attorney already has the papers ready for filing. What are you waiting for?

[amaysngrace]

Stop leaving the decision to divorce up to your husband. You are the one who wants a divorce so go ahead and file and have him served. What is the hold up since you say your son will be fine and the attorney already has the papers ready for filing. What are you waiting for?

 

Exactly. All in or all out. Go big or go home. Sh** or get off the pot.

 

No need for mamby pamby bullcrap of a marriage.

[jjgitties]

Just like everything else, I'm expected to handle it all. He. Ever takes on responsibility at home (besides providing financially).

 

Do you (did you!) handle most of the appointments and scheduling in the household? Even when your son was younger and the various activities and doctors and dentists appointments? If so, then why do you think that will (or should) change now?

 

If there is a need to find and schedule a marraige councelor and you have been the one that had usually handled that sort of thing, then just handle it now. Why try to make a point of it. I think it sounds like repairing your marriage is an importnt thing to you -- so you should try it before you decide to make the leap and leave.

 

FWIW, you are better of then me. My wife refuses to go to a councelor. She says if you want to go, go ahead by yourself. She just dismisses it as a big waste of time.

[Snow7]

I just wanted to chime in that I understand why it's important to the OP that her husband did not bother to actually find the marriage counselor and schedule a session. The same thing happened to me.

 

For me, it was a sign that my husband did not think I was worth his time. I planned and scheduled all date nights. I booked the babysitter. For over a decade, I was the only one who would try to initiate talking about the problems in our marriage. I planned all of our vacations. And in the end, I also asked him to find a therapist but of course he didn't. I ended up doing it for him and also finding childcare so we could go.

 

I communicated on numerous occasions that this was important to me. I needed him to do these things to show he was vested in our relationship. His reply was always the same: he works more so he doesn't have time. That's bull****. because he had time to plan things with his friends, Organize a softball team, Boys trip across the country to watch soccer. And as it turns out he had time to hang out with other women behind my back.

 

I am not saying the OP situation is the same as mine. But I am saying that it is telling that he says he wants to save the marriage but is not willing to do this simple thing. For people whose language of love is quality time, this is important.

[stillafool]

I completely understand OP's position and the fact that she said she has been miserable for 20-22 years. Enough is enough and I understand why she wants a divorce.

[Mrs. Miserable]

Why don't you set it up and see if he'll go with you to prove how serious about going he is? And if you don't want to do it as a favor to your marriage then do it as a favor to your son who deserves parents who won't throw in the towel before fighting to save their marriage in every way possible?

 

It seems to me that you're complaining about him and his lack of effort to distract from your own lack of effort. He provides well so the least you can do is schedule the appointments.

 

FYI someone is going to snatch him up in a heartbeat. Good men are hard to find. And all the woman will have to do is appreciate him a little and he'll be all turned on again.

 

My point of asking him to

Set it up was to see how serious he was. I have gone to counseling several times throughout the years. I feel like I've done my part. I treated him like a king with nothing in return. I am empty. I have nothing left to offer him. And, yes, someone will snatch him up in a heartbeat. Some women only want a financial supporter. I desire more than that. I appreciate your reply and I put.

[Mrs. Miserable]

Why don't you set it up and see if he'll go with you to prove how serious about going he is? And if you don't want to do it as a favor to your marriage then do it as a favor to your son who deserves parents who won't throw in the towel before fighting to save their marriage in every way possible?

 

It seems to me that you're complaining about him and his lack of effort to distract from your own lack of effort. He provides well so the least you can do is schedule the appointments.

 

FYI someone is going to snatch him up in a heartbeat. Good men are hard to find. And all the woman will have to do is appreciate him a little and he'll be all turned on again.

 

Only time will tell. Divorce is expensive, assets must be split, your life will change forever... But, if you are really that miserable and you are sure that you want to divorce, what are you waiting for?

 

I'm sure you have thought of this, but I believe that at his age your son can chose the parent with whom he wants to live. Be aware, it may not be you. Just another thing to consider.

 

I call myself waiting for an agreement. Apparently that's not going to happen.

[Mrs. Miserable]

I am sorry to hear about your situation. You are not alone. I am in a similar situation but roles reversed.

 

It sounds like you have been discussing this with your H for a while and he has always tried to stop you and changes for a bit but then returns to his old ways.

 

Based on that, I think it might be a little hopeful to think it will not be contested. I mean, both parties have to really want to divorce in order for it to go through amicably and easily -- and the H has already said no a few times, yes?

 

As others have stated. You need to decide if you really want to go through with it and then just tell the lawyer to go ahead. Yes, assets and what not will get divided in whatever way they seem fair, but once its over you can move on with your life and your sanity.

 

Will you move on and not find another man who is similar -- there are no guarantees.

 

You are all correct. I need to do it or forget it. I don't care about finding another man. I will be content as single for a while!!

[Mrs. Miserable]

What are his reasons for not wanting a divorce? Maybe talking about that is the way to make him see the issue differently, especially if you point out what you won't do for him, even if you stay married.

 

It's one thing for him to hear what you want and you don't think you're getting... as if those are the hoops he must jump through to stay married. But what are the hoops that he'd want you to jump through and are you willing to do them? He may not have looked at it from that perspective.

 

His reason is because he loves me. He doesn't do well with change. Plus, he depends on me for lots of things. He's a very smart man, but he's insecure. He even asks my advice before buying shoes or work boots. Ugh!!

[Mrs. Miserable]

Exactly. All in or all out. Go big or go home. Sh** or get off the pot.

 

No need for mamby pamby bullcrap of a marriage.

 

I like the way you think!!!! I guess I just need to take a s@@t!

[Mrs. Miserable]

I just wanted to chime in that I understand why it's important to the OP that her husband did not bother to actually find the marriage counselor and schedule a session. The same thing happened to me.

 

For me, it was a sign that my husband did not think I was worth his time. I planned and scheduled all date nights. I booked the babysitter. For over a decade, I was the only one who would try to initiate talking about the problems in our marriage. I planned all of our vacations. And in the end, I also asked him to find a therapist but of course he didn't. I ended up doing it for him and also finding childcare so we could go.

 

I communicated on numerous occasions that this was important to me. I needed him to do these things to show he was vested in our relationship. His reply was always the same: he works more so he doesn't have time. That's bull****. because he had time to plan things with his friends, Organize a softball team, Boys trip across the country to watch soccer. And as it turns out he had time to hang out with other women behind my back.

 

I am not saying the OP situation is the same as mine. But I am saying that it is telling that he says he wants to save the marriage but is not willing to do this simple thing. For people whose language of love is quality time, this is important.

 

So are you divorced? Thanks for validating my feelings. My love language is quality time then physical touch. I got neither. In fact, we went 6 years without exchanging a kiss or an I love you. Ridiculous.