Author Mrs. Miserable Posted May 20, 2017 Author Share Posted May 20, 2017 Do you (did you!) handle most of the appointments and scheduling in the household? Even when your son was younger and the various activities and doctors and dentists appointments? If so, then why do you think that will (or should) change now? If there is a need to find and schedule a marraige councelor and you have been the one that had usually handled that sort of thing, then just handle it now. Why try to make a point of it. I think it sounds like repairing your marriage is an importnt thing to you -- so you should try it before you decide to make the leap and leave. FWIW, you are better of then me. My wife refuses to go to a councelor. She says if you want to go, go ahead by yourself. She just dismisses it as a big waste of time. Yes. I have always handled all appointments. If he really wanted to go, he would've done it. It's not rocket science. Lol Link to post Share on other sites
jjgitties Posted May 20, 2017 Share Posted May 20, 2017 His reason is because he loves me. He doesn't do well with change. Plus, he depends on me for lots of things. He's a very smart man, but he's insecure. He even asks my advice before buying shoes or work boots. Ugh!! So are you divorced? Thanks for validating my feelings. My love language is quality time then physical touch. I got neither. In fact, we went 6 years without exchanging a kiss or an I love you. Ridiculous. You know what you sound like? You sound like a couple that has been married a very long time and have been taking each other for granted for a long time. I think this is something that can be repaired. You need to communicate more with each other and express clearly what you need emotionally from each other in the marriage. Maybe try separating for a few months. I don't mean go off and have affairs and sex with other people. Just separate and don't live together for a while. See how much you will miss each other and maybe he will learn to appreciate you more and will stop taking you for granted. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mightycpa Posted May 20, 2017 Share Posted May 20, 2017 His reason is because he loves me. He doesn't do well with change. Plus, he depends on me for lots of things. He's a very smart man, but he's insecure. He even asks my advice before buying shoes or work boots. Ugh!!Well, you don't have to be married to love somebody. People do that all the time. As for the rest, he needs someone to approve his shoe purchases, well, maybe when you make him say something like that out loud, he'll see that it's not very inspiring or convincing. That's what shoe salesmen are for. Imagine a proposal for marriage that included things like that. Would you say yes? You made my point for me. Now go get him to make it for you. Maybe he'll surprise you. Link to post Share on other sites
jjgitties Posted May 20, 2017 Share Posted May 20, 2017 Well, you don't have to be married to love somebody. People do that all the time. As for the rest, he needs someone to approve his shoe purchases, well, maybe when you make him say something like that out loud, he'll see that it's not very inspiring or convincing. That's what shoe salesmen are for. Imagine a proposal for marriage that included things like that. Would you say yes? You made my point for me. Now go get him to make it for you. Maybe he'll surprise you. I think you are being a little cranky on this particular item. I ask my wife for her opinion when buying clothes, when she is available, not because I need approval but because I know she has a much better instinct in taste in clothes than me and her opinion matters to me and I listen to it. Its just something that develops through marraige i think. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 20, 2017 Share Posted May 20, 2017 Seems to me that your husband is very content to do nothing as he wants to maintain the status quo. The "problem" is all yours and unless you step over the line and make it real for him, then he will continue as is. YOU want his agreement to make things easy and amicable before you make your move, but I guess as soon as you in fact make a move he will fight you tooth and nail as this is his marriage, his child and his home that is at stake here. HE doesn't want a divorce, so it suits him to keep the peace and put a lid on everything. He is no doubt scared that if counselling is entered into, his "perfect" world will blow up, so doesn't want to go there. YOU have been crying wolf for so long I guess he now doesn't take you seriously any more. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Snow7 Posted May 20, 2017 Share Posted May 20, 2017 Mrs. Miserable, I'm in the process of getting a divorce. I moved out 2 months ago and have retained an attorney. We also have a son so we're trying to keep it amicable for his sake. I also cried wolf for years so I think he thought that I would never leave. He never showed physical affection. But every time I asked if we should get a divorce, he always said that's not what he wanted and that he loved me. He has since admitted he didn't really love me anymore but kept hoping he would find a way to love me again. I agree with the others. You don't need his permission. I kept waiting for it and then realized I wasn't ever going to get it. And he seems fine with it now. In the end, he wasn't happy either and someone had to put us out of our misery. Wish you the best of luck. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mrs. Miserable Posted May 21, 2017 Author Share Posted May 21, 2017 Mrs. Miserable, I'm in the process of getting a divorce. I moved out 2 months ago and have retained an attorney. We also have a son so we're trying to keep it amicable for his sake. I also cried wolf for years so I think he thought that I would never leave. He never showed physical affection. But every time I asked if we should get a divorce, he always said that's not what he wanted and that he loved me. He has since admitted he didn't really love me anymore but kept hoping he would find a way to love me again. I agree with the others. You don't need his permission. I kept waiting for it and then realized I wasn't ever going to get it. And he seems fine with it now. In the end, he wasn't happy either and someone had to put us out of our misery. Wish you the best of luck. Thanks for your response. What made you finally pull the trigger? I agree- I have cried wolf too many times. I do think he loves me. I really don't doubt that. He's just not good at showing it or appreciating what I've done in the past. I teach school and will be out for the summer on Wednesday. I'm hoping to do it while out for the summer. How much longer until yours is final? Link to post Share on other sites
QuietDan Posted May 29, 2017 Share Posted May 29, 2017 Are you comparing him to someone else? Did you have an emotional affair with someone else at some point during the marraige? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mrs. Miserable Posted May 31, 2017 Author Share Posted May 31, 2017 I am not comparing him to anyone in particular. I just know that our relationship is not normal. I've always wanted a husband who enjoys being with me and sharing common hobbies. An emotional affair? Not particularly. Just always fantasize about what it would be like to truly have a companion. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LargoLagg Posted May 31, 2017 Share Posted May 31, 2017 Maybe it's just that there's an upper limit to how long most people can stand each other, family ties notwithstanding. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Phoenician Posted May 31, 2017 Share Posted May 31, 2017 Dear Mrs Miserable , I am sorry for what you are going through .... I am at same position like yours , my wife has never changed , didn't even try ,will never change . I am not a great person , but in 18 yrs you can see how many times I changed toward the better. This type of People don't change , even when they loose the dearest thing to their soul ; they have some Psychological issue caused by some major issue in their childhood , that made them build walls around them ... I am stuck , suffering , won't leave because my 2 daughters and boy needs me . needs me to just listen to them , to help them emotionally . my 8 years Boy needs me to build the right image about everything , about right and wrong , about life. I tried to leave many times , and I failed ...not because I love her , it is just because I don't have the strength to leave my kids in the hands of an irresponsible person . good luck dear ... if you leave ,don't look back . if you don't , just find ways , hobbies, a new life style. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mrs. Miserable Posted May 31, 2017 Author Share Posted May 31, 2017 Oh I won't look back! I think this summer is it. I have an entirely separate crisis going on right now as well. My dad is in his last days/weeks of battling lung cancer. It makes it more difficult to begin the divorce process with this going on. I am an only child, so my step mom and I are his caregivers other than 8 hours on mon-wed. To say my stress factor is high is quite the understatement. But as advice to you.... you don't have to remain unhappily married in order to be a positive influence on your children. My parents divorced at age 9, and my dad and I have had the perfect relationship my entire life. It can be done. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Phoenician Posted May 31, 2017 Share Posted May 31, 2017 Oh I won't look back! I think this summer is it. I have an entirely separate crisis going on right now as well. My dad is in his last days/weeks of battling lung cancer. It makes it more difficult to begin the divorce process with this going on. I am an only child, so my step mom and I are his caregivers other than 8 hours on mon-wed. To say my stress factor is high is quite the understatement. But as advice to you.... you don't have to remain unhappily married in order to be a positive influence on your children. My parents divorced at age 9, and my dad and I have had the perfect relationship my entire life. It can be done. I am sorry to hear your father sickness; may God bless his soul and help him in this difficult time ; I know what u mean about stress level , I lost my dear father 5 month back ; I was very close also to him . 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts