LedHead21 Posted May 18, 2017 Share Posted May 18, 2017 I've never been an angry person..until recently. D-day was a little over a month ago. He's since started IC, as well as NC with ex. I've felt closer to him in the last few weeks than I've ever felt. I should be moving forward, right? Well I'm not. I love him dearly, and want a future with him more than anything but the anger over everything has me fully engulfed. To add insult to injury, she emailed him last night on his work email proclaiming "she misses him, she doesn't know what she's doing with her life, he used to be her rock" the usual desperate reach. At first I was full of rage, then I was thankful and relieved that he actually came forward with it. This is HUGE for him because in the past even the truth, I had to dig out of him. Most of the time even that was trickle truth, which over time had me mentally drained. 24 hours later and I'm back to angry. The startling thing is I feel pity, almost sorry for her, and angry with him for letting this poison into our lives, for planting seeds of doubt in my mind and hope in hers. When does it calm? When does the roller coaster of emotions stop? We have a 3 month old, and I work full time so I'm very occupied, Yet my mind is constantly in turmoil unless we're together. Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted May 18, 2017 Share Posted May 18, 2017 It takes 2-5 years to begin to heal from infidelity if everything goes well and there are no set backs...like another DDay etc. Infidelity is like a death....and there are 5 stasges of grief...denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Each person has to process at their own speed..... Give yourself time...you are only a month out. Infidelity is the gift that keeps on giving..... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted May 19, 2017 Share Posted May 19, 2017 Anger phase usually starts 6 months from day then lasts for 6 months. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted May 19, 2017 Share Posted May 19, 2017 (edited) forever - just decreases in both frequency and intensity. What I mean is you can be fairly happy - and you hit a rough spot in your marriage - as all marriages do - and bang your angry again over what happened year ago. Its like loosing a body part or major injury. You get used to the loss, but some bad weather or a bump - and you hurt all over again. Like the last couple of years - our sex life has gotten worse. I should be upset over just the loss of sex - but then in links to her cheating and I am angry. The two really are not exactly linked but...it all is once you cheat - it all gets mixed. Edited May 19, 2017 by dichotomy 4 Link to post Share on other sites
waterwoman Posted May 19, 2017 Share Posted May 19, 2017 You have a right to be angry. You have a reason to be angry. Someone you trusted implicitly made a choice to hurt you for no good reason. Of course you are angry. The anger will probably always be there but it will be more manageable - 5 years down the line the anger still bubbles up from time to time but I can look at it objectively, assess it, shrug and then move on. The reasons for my anger are still valid but they are from 5 years ago, I am no longer threatened by the events of that time, we have both changed and moved on so there is no need for it anymore. It is, for me, a pointless and destructive emotion. There did come a point when I was using my post-affair anger as a go to reaction for everything that upset me about my life. That had to stop and it took conscious effort for a while. You are still in the first throes so it will be impossible to look at your feelings objectively but that will come in time. At one point you may have to start assessing your reactions but that time isn't now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
wmacbride Posted May 19, 2017 Share Posted May 19, 2017 In your situation, anger is completely normal. Trying to repress it can actually do more harm than good. The thing with anger is to let it work for you, not against you. If you feel anger bubbling up ( and it can, even at the most inopportune times) talk to your husband. Not to make him feel guilty, but to share how you are feeling.If you are afraid you might yell at him, tell him that first and explain why you feel you need to let it out. This can actually help you both continue to find the best ways to communicating with one another, and can bring you closer together. If you just need to vent, do so, vent on here, to a trust friend or someone else. Go punch a pillow, go sit in your car, roll up the windows and scream, etc. Some people find it helpful to channel their anger into productive means such as working out, cleaning, working on a project, etc. In short, the anger is normal, but the intense phase of it will pass, and in time, it will be come far less acute. It may always be there, kind of like the dull ache an injury can cause when it rains, but it does get better. Link to post Share on other sites
MikeM 1028 Posted May 19, 2017 Share Posted May 19, 2017 (edited) Can't give you definitive answers as everyone processes these emotions at different rates. Mrs JA stated the 5 stages of grief. Very accurate. I find myself going back and forth thru them. I'm just over a year from the initial DDay and I don't believe I was given ALL the information to the A, which makes it worse. I keep remembering things from the past, actions or inactions, words and I end up right back in the heart of DDay all over again. My second DDay happened last October, when the paternity test confirmed the baby wasn't mine. So back and forth I go thru the 5 processes of grief. Point is, allow yourself time to go through them. Accept them for what they are. Your body and mind are sorting the betrayal/ deceit and devastation the A causes. Having outside support from friends and other family is really helpful. Try to preoccupy your mind on hobbies. Exercising helps with anger sometimes for me. Taking it out on weights or whatever exercise you prefer really has helped. It's very easy to get caught up in the anger letting it control your moods. Unfortunately, none of us here are alone. Edited May 19, 2017 by MikeM 1028 Link to post Share on other sites
wmacbride Posted May 19, 2017 Share Posted May 19, 2017 One thing I did want to say... While intense and sustained anger may be complexity normal in the initial stages of reconciliation, in time, it will get better. If it doesn't, you might need to seek some professional help to process all of it. Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted May 19, 2017 Share Posted May 19, 2017 The anger will stay for a while... and it comes and goes. It can stay there for years and years. Like others have said, you can be fine one moment and then totally raging the next. You never know when it is coming and you usually don't know what the trigger is when it happens. You may figure it out later sometimes. This is also something that you should help you WH understand. A lot of waywards get tired of it. But guess what, it is their fault so they get to deal with it. Hang in there... Link to post Share on other sites
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