Catching the feels for a separated friend

[MoreThanThat]

I've known this guy - call him Ted - since elementary school. I've been attracted to him since I was in mid-teens. Our friendship has become much closer over the past couple of years. We're both in late 40's.

 

He got married 5 years ago after 4 years with the same woman. It had been tumultuous throughout. She was a train wreck and I think part of his attraction was he thought he could fix her. The proverbial "hot mess" with multiple marriages, kids from different fathers, and addiction issues. They had no kids together.

 

She left him at the start of the year. Paperwork is done for legal separation. It will be another 9-10 months before they can file and it should be simple.

 

She gave Ted no explanation. Just that she wanted out.

 

At the same time, Ted took an early retirement from a company he'd been at for some time. This was already in motion before she left.

 

He left the country entirely shortly after she left and this seems to be a permanent move. He has zero thought of reconciling but he's in a pretty messed up place. He's doing both one-on-one and group therapy.

 

Even before he left, we'd talked about me going to visit. More about keeping him company than anything since I seem to be the only one outside of therapy he's been letting in.

 

Over the last few weeks things started to change with us. It was clear there was 'more' there. As he let me in one way, he started to stop talking to me about how he was coping.

 

At first I thought I'd be okay with a casual thing with him in spite of me never having done so (other than an ex who was a FWB off/on for a bit). I've had some big emotional availability issues I've been dealing with for a few years myself. But I realize now what I'm feeling is no longer strictly platonic.

 

It feels so f'd up. It's LIKE we're already in a relationship now the way he behaves. He's never done casual and only relationships before.

 

When we talked earlier I asked him point blank if he was okay with things with us. He said yes because he's not at a place where he could handle a relationship now. I know the rule: always believe the bad people tell you about about themselves.

 

I am well aware he needs to deal with things and honestly, I don't know if I'd actually feel better if he was able to just move on like his marriage and the way it ended had never happened. He's genuinely a good guy.

 

I'd appreciate any words of wisdom anyone here has to share.

[MoreThanThat]

Bumping in case anyone reads this and has something to say.

 

Weeks later and really not much has changed. He's still struggling with the fallout from the split but is still awesome with me. I'm supposed to visit him in 2 weeks.

[S2B]

Why would you visit him when he hasn't really offered you any hope of having a true relationship?

 

You've been volunteering to be used by him... he will continue as long as you allow it.

 

Neither one of you is in a good emotional place - you can't save him. He needs to process what happened in his failed marriage and get past his pain. You can't do that for him.

 

He's a rescuer. That's totally unhealthy. Hopefully with a few years of solid individual counseling her can learn that it's unhealthy for him to think he can save women. For now, it's what attracts him to certain women - that need to be needed.

 

So he ran away from reality... that's also unhealthy.

 

And he's not going to be single for nearly a year...? Stay away for at least that amount of time - as he is still technically married.

 

Find an available man to date. This guy has some serious red flags that should send you running... why are you chasing this kind of broken in any man?... much less onewho is still married?

 

You really are in the position of being his other woman... did that have anything to do with why his wife left him?

 

 

Why is the D so long off? Divorce proceedings in southern calif happen in six months.

[aileD]

He got married 5 years ago after 4 years with the same woman. It had been tumultuous throughout. She was a train wreck and I think part of his attraction was he thought he could fix her. The proverbial "hot mess" with multiple marriages, kids from different fathers, and addiction issue

 

I love how it's always the other person that's the train wreck. Listen,for him to be attracted to a train wreck, have a tulmultous relationship then decide it's a good idea to get married......well he's a train wreck too then.

 

Leave him alone and let him get his sh*! together. First. He's not even divorced yet and it may seem like a slam dunk divorce but often these dysfunctional relationships dobthe opposite of what normal is. They could very well get back together.

 

Give him time to get divorced, get over it, get healthy etc. doing all this unhealthy stuff is just messing you both up more and it's a distraction from both of you dealing with your mental health.

[MoreThanThat]

Why would you visit him when he hasn't really offered you any hope of having a true relationship?

 

The visiting came up before he'd left. To be clear, I'm trying to figure out how to get back to platonic friendship mode.

 

So he ran away from reality... that's also unhealthy.</QUOTE>

He didn't run away from reality. The move had been planned for the 2 of them.

 

And he's not going to be single for nearly a year...? Stay away for at least that amount of time - as he is still technically married.

 

Find an available man to date. This guy has some serious red flags that should send you running... why are you chasing this kind of broken in any man?... much less onewho is still married?

 

You really are in the position of being his other woman... did that have anything to do with why his wife left him?</QUOTE>

Our friendship had zero to do with his marriage ending. We've been friends over 30 years.

 

 

Why is the D so long off? Divorce proceedings in southern calif happen in six months.

I never said he was in Southern California. It takes a year for legal separation where they were living to be able to file.

[S2B]

If you want to get back to friendship mode the. Do NOT go visit him.

 

If you visit it implies sex.

 

Cancel the visit and tell him you only wish to be friends.

[MoreThanThat]

If you want to get back to friendship mode the. Do NOT go visit him.

 

If you visit it implies sex.

 

Cancel the visit and tell him you only wish to be friends.

 

Thanks, that's what I've been feeling would have to happen.

[pepsimax]

want to delete this message..not sure how so i edited it.sorry Edited June 4, 2017 by pepsimax
posted in wrong thread