Getting stuck in Fantasy

[laelithia]

Has anyone else felt that a break up they were dealing with was more like mourning a fantasy? I feel like what I want "back" was never real to begin with, so even if I got back together with my ex (I've written about him before), it wouldn't fix anything. It's sort of like I feel like I'm trapped, since there's no positive outcome.

 

I desperately want the "old" him back, but it seems he was just pretending and only showing the best side of himself. Still, I seem to find myself missing him so much, despite knowing the person he truly is isn't who I want to be with. I suppose deep down I'm hoping that he can realize and live up to the potential I fell for. He was so wonderful before, but it was only for a month. I find myself thinking about how he's going to be better for the next, he's currently seeing someone new. But then again, in the month since we've broken up, he's dated/slept with 4 women. Go figure.

Edited May 19, 2017 by laelithia

[Frostedflake]

Oh, for sure.

My ex snapped back into so many nasty habits, so quick- I had to wonder if they weren't still there and I just wasn't wise to it. However..

You gotta think- yeah, he's changing. I'm sure you are too. You think he's getting better and you're not happy about the next woman getting the "better" him but you gotta also think, he's going to lose a lot of the parts you fell in love with too.

And if you love the new him more then your taste is changing too.

And if all we have to talk about here is how subjective our attraction is then why wouldn't you then want another guy? One that would have these attractive characteristics but none of the baggage that getting back with ol' Sleeze would entail.

 

Don't count his lady tally for him.

Count your blessings that you're walking away from all that.

[penelopeanne]

yes i have been stuck in this too.

i know that we weren't the best match, i can see now i am anxious attached and he is avoidant and that really was the core of the issues.

he is pretty immature and has a ton of things to work out.

i work hard on my self care, he is falling deeper into tuning out and numbing.

i can't even fully grasp what it is i yearn for so much as he let me down so much and neglected me while we were together.

i have a hard time with abandonment.

he knew that i was about ready to walk away and then he sent the break up email.

he has intimacy issues and can never get real close.

i need the security and realness.

so, it wouldn't work.

but i sometimes get trapped in a fantasy.

[ItIsNotMe]

It's a normal thing. Our brains have a selective memory and selective amnesia properties. It's a defensive function aiming to protect us from traumatic memories. Your brain makes you think that your current partner/ex is great because all the negative memories and feelings would be traumatic to your psychic. Yeah, you can remember the negative ones too but you're prone to pay much more attention to the positive memories, subconsciously. And when you're still in love with him/her, you are also prone to experience the so called "overvalued ideas" - thinking that your partner is the prettiest, smartest and best human being ever because you're overvaluing his characteristics

[Gillys]

Yes, I sometimes dream about my ex several times a week. Each time in my dream she isn't high and actually listens when I speak. 2 things that were my biggest issues in the relationship. So I wake up with this longing for something that didn't even exists. I forget all the little things that annoyed the hell out of me but I dealt with because I was in love. No one is perfect (including myself) but in my dreams it feels like I create the perfect person by forgetting the little things.