Husband has lied about military experience

[Morganlynn]

I need help. I don’t know what to do. I feel like my entire marriage has been a lie.

Since day 1, my now-husband has maintained that he was not only active military, but that he was also special forces. An Army Ranger to be exact. I’m not the only one made to believe this. All of our friends have been told the same exact thing. This didn’t start when we got together, this lie had been going on for a couple of years before I came into the picture. I just recently found out that not only was he not ever active military, he didn’t even finish basic training. I am hurt. I feel betrayed, confused, lost, and angry.

I love him so very much. We have a 10 month old daughter together, and everyone always looked at us as the couple to be, but now I don’t know what to think. He lied about the military, lied about being given a full scholarship to play baseball in college (which he says he declined to join the military), lied about having all sorts of MMA training.. the list goes on.

When confronted about it, he didn’t deny or lie any more. He immediately apologized and said that he has wanted to tell me for a long time but couldn’t ever figure out how to start the conversation which I think is a total crap excuse.

I am either incredibly stupid or incredibly in love, but I think I may be willing to work this out. I don’t know. I don’t know how to move past this. I don’t know how to not think he’s lying to me every time he opens his mouth. I don’t know anything at this point so any and all input is welcome. Thank you all in advance.. Just hoping someone can give me some clarity.

[d0nnivain]

If he washed out of basic he was probably embarrassed. He told these lies to make himself feel better & eventually he started believing them.

 

 

It's no excuse but you are now married with a child. Have some long talks about honesty. Explain that he has broken your trust because he's not the man you married but do assure him that you love him & you are wiling to give him the chance to earn your trust back. If he works to be honest & the lying is put behind him for good, rebuild your marriage & go on. If he keeps telling these lies, think long & hard about what to do next. Go through that old Ann Landers' analysis: would you be better off with him or without him?

[somanymistakes]

If it was just him claiming to have been in the army when he actually failed out, that could be mostly harmless - a lot of people have trouble admitting their failures at first when they're embarrassing.

 

However, this clearly goes way deeper than that. I'm sorry, Morganlynn, but there are big red flags here that suggest possible serious dangers later in the relationship.

 

Your husband is exhibiting signs of both consistently lying to make himself sound more important than he is, and of worshipping a particular kind of macho image which he himself has failed to live up to. That can lead to a lot of internalised resentment for him, where he feels that his life SHOULD be all of those things, and it's just not FAIR that it isn't true.

 

WORST CASE SCENARIO (it absolutely may not come to this! i am not accusing him of actually doing this! but worst-case) - this is a personality type that can develop into violent outburts of 'demanding respect', or of becoming a family annihilator to hide the shame of his own failure.

 

The important things here are:

 

How did you find out about the lies? Did he finally confess to you? (That would be a good sign) Or were you digging around and accidentally uncovered evidence? (That's not so good.)

 

Is he willing to confess to all of your friends? If he is, that is a GOOD sign. If he tries to convince you to keep up the charade, that is a BAD sign.

[NTV]

I don't think I could let him live that down. I'm strongly suppressig the urge not to make fun of him right now because I know you're hurting.

 

What do you WANT to do?

[Mr. Lucky]

Since day 1, my now-husband has maintained that he was not only active military, but that he was also special forces. An Army Ranger to be exact. I’m not the only one made to believe this. All of our friends have been told the same exact thing. This didn’t start when we got together, this lie had been going on for a couple of years before I came into the picture. I just recently found out that not only was he not ever active military, he didn’t even finish basic training. I am hurt. I feel betrayed, confused, lost, and angry.

 

I've run into this twice myself with male co-workers and friends.

 

A friend of mine who was special forces (and has the medals/scars to prove it) says you can tell this way - those that were there tend not to talk about it. So if someone is vocal about having served in that sector, according to him it's an immediate red flag. Makes sense to me.

 

How did the new special forces/baseball information come to light? How many people know the truth?

 

Mr. Lucky

[frigginlost]

I've run into this twice myself with male co-workers and friends.

 

A friend of mine who was special forces (and has the medals/scars to prove it) says you can tell this way - those that were there tend not to talk about it. So if someone is vocal about having served in that sector, according to him it's an immediate red flag. Makes sense to me.

 

How did the new special forces/baseball information come to light? How many people know the truth?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

So much truth in that. One of my closest friends is an ex Navy Seal and he rarely talks of it...

[lucy_in_disguise]

How often did he talk about his fake experience in the military? Is it something he told you about himself when you first met that you took as given, or something he has elaborated on over the years and brings up in conversation? If the former, I think I could understand how a few lies years ago to cover up something he's embarrassed about could have led to the current situation where everyone believes he's ex- military. But, if it's something he has brought up himself and has embellished about, to me, that's a bigger red flag, as it shows his need to be important and the lengths he will go to deceive.

 

What's your take on it?

[bluefeather]

If you're willing to try to continue a relationship with him, maybe he can see some kind of therapist who specializes in pathological lying. I say that because you mentioned that he lied about several things and not just one. To keep such big lies going with you seems a lot more serious than, "I wanted to tell you but didn't know how to start the conversation." Also, you say that you love him now, but the idea that you don't know who your husband is may start to creep around. If you really want to try, remember how you feel now, because you might later start to become resentful and untrusting towards him.

[mikeylo]

What work does he do then? From where does he provide for you , the baby and himself? What kind of lifestyle do you have? Is it something that a high earning person could afford?

[jjgitties]

You know what. Its a little bit of what a few posters above stated. I am/was like that. I served, but I only served 3 or 4 months and lied that I served the entire 12 months. I lied because I can't be bothered to explain myself. Cut him some slack. Who knows why he has been making it up.

 

I was 18 and I really hated the military. It was the stupidest thing in the world. You were treated like a 3rd class citizen by all these farmer red necks that never read a book in their life. Their only right to treat you like **** was because they served a few moths longer than you and were sargents or corporals. What happened was a guy in my fort committed suicide becuase his girlfriend left him back home. So a few of us, myself included, jumped on the band wagon and went to the doctors and said we were going to kill ourselves over our girlfriends. The army deemed us mentally unfit to serve. We all got discharge letters.

[Globug]

I started a lie when I was 14 to my mom & dad. There was something horrific going on in our family at the time & it was a cry for help. I kept that lie up for 26 years. My dad passed away with not knowing the truth. I just recently told my mom the truth & I still need to tell my siblings and husband. It is a lie that I have carried on to friendships, everything just because my family knew it & it just kept growing. I know why I lied as a child. There was something deeply wrong that needed to be addressed in our family. The lie actually started the fixing of issues, but why did it take me so long to tell the truth after the fact? Fear, shame, embarrassment.

Try not to take the lie as personal against you if it started before you. I am not a liar & have even be told I am to honest & transparent sometimes so cleaning this lie up is hard to face but I don't want it over my head anymore.

 

 

BUT it does not change anything about my marriage, husband, how I feel / am with him. Sorry you have been hurt

[somanymistakes]

You know what. Its a little bit of what a few posters above stated. I am/was like that. I served, but I only served 3 or 4 months and lied that I served the entire 12 months. I lied because I can't be bothered to explain myself. Cut him some slack. Who knows why he has been making it up.

 

A slight exaggeration is very different than "Not only was I in the military, I was a special forces ranger! And I had a basketball scholarship because I am the most awesome player! And I've done MMA so don't mess with me!"

 

It's not a single lie, it's lie after lie after lie.

[jjgitties]

A slight exaggeration is very different than "Not only was I in the military, I was a special forces ranger! And I had a basketball scholarship because I am the most awesome player! And I've done MMA so don't mess with me!"

 

It's not a single lie, it's lie after lie after lie.

 

True. Maybe the guys lies a lot. There are people in this world that lie. You can't believe everything they say.

[Mr. Lucky]

There are people in this world that lie. You can't believe everything they say.

 

Actually, with some people, you can't believe anything they say. Can't imagine being married to someone like that, too many things called into question...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Popsicle]

A lot of men lie about being in the special forces or elite units. There are even websites dedicated to exposing these frauds (and there is no shortage of them). You pretty much have to suspend any belief you may have and verify their service first.

[JohnAdams]

I am a 6 year veteran. I have known several people, friends and relatives, that have lied about their military service. I have a friend that claims to be a veteran because he was in ROTC in college for one semester. Our son in law washed out of basic training and we only found out later in an embarrassing way. I guess they do not think it is macho if they are not a veteran. I would have much more respect for them if they did not try to exaggerate what they did.

 

I had the opportunity to get out earlier due to family hardships but turned it down. Probably now more than ever, I have little tolerance for people, i.e. stars, that try to exploit the military for monetary gain or for people who now try to greatly exaggerate their contributions in the military. For all my fellow veterans I have nothing but respect for you regardless of your role. You are all important.

 

As for your husband's claim, that is sad that he feels he has to pump himself that way and it does make you wonder what other alternative facts he has told you.

[Mrs. John Adams]

My daughter married a man who claimed he was in the army....and is a veteran.

 

She had a baby that lived two hours. i handled all of the arrangements for my daughter since i work for a funeral home. I tried to arrange for my granddaughter to be buried in the national cemetary....however we discovered that my son in law received a general discharge from the army...He flunked out of boot camp...which does not qualify you or any of your dependants for burial in a national cemetery. In other words ..he lied.

 

I was extremely embarressed and ashamed....and could not bring myself to tell my daughter that her husband had lied about his military service.

 

Her father had been in the military for 6 years...he held a top secret clearance and a very prestigious job.

 

So we had our grandduahgter buried in a private cemetary...and did not explain why to our daughter. She was in a state of mind that never questioned why....but i will never forgive my son in law....for his lies and deception.

[aileD]

Sometimes you tell a lie and it snowballs out of control. It becomes too much and seems too overwhelming to tell the truth after so long.

 

Your husband's reaction "I wanted to tell you but I didn't know how" isn't a cop out, it's likely the truth.

 

Is this the only thing wrong in your marriage? It doesn't seem like this is something to divorce over .

 

 

Stolen valor is something not looked nicely on among real military...

[whichwayisup]

I need help. I don’t know what to do. I feel like my entire marriage has been a lie.

Since day 1, my now-husband has maintained that he was not only active military, but that he was also special forces. An Army Ranger to be exact. I’m not the only one made to believe this. All of our friends have been told the same exact thing. This didn’t start when we got together, this lie had been going on for a couple of years before I came into the picture. I just recently found out that not only was he not ever active military, he didn’t even finish basic training. I am hurt. I feel betrayed, confused, lost, and angry.

I love him so very much. We have a 10 month old daughter together, and everyone always looked at us as the couple to be, but now I don’t know what to think. He lied about the military, lied about being given a full scholarship to play baseball in college (which he says he declined to join the military), lied about having all sorts of MMA training.. the list goes on.

When confronted about it, he didn’t deny or lie any more. He immediately apologized and said that he has wanted to tell me for a long time but couldn’t ever figure out how to start the conversation which I think is a total crap excuse.

I am either incredibly stupid or incredibly in love, but I think I may be willing to work this out. I don’t know. I don’t know how to move past this. I don’t know how to not think he’s lying to me every time he opens his mouth. I don’t know anything at this point so any and all input is welcome. Thank you all in advance.. Just hoping someone can give me some clarity.

 

Your husband has issues and needs help. He lies and I'm sure he doesn't mean to but he's pathological liar. He's been doing this all his life and probably believes his own lies until he's called out on it.

 

Is he willing to seek professional help?

[Mr. Lucky]

Sometimes you tell a lie and it snowballs out of control. It becomes too much and seems too overwhelming to tell the truth after so long.

 

Your husband's reaction "I wanted to tell you but I didn't know how" isn't a cop out, it's likely the truth.

 

I'd agree with you if this wasn't just one of several lies - that the OP knows of.

 

Some real self-esteem issues here that need addressing. Tough to love someone else if you have such an obviously low opinion of yourself...

 

Mr. Lucky

[anika99]

If he washed out of basic he was probably embarrassed. He told these lies to make himself feel better & eventually he started believing them.

 

 

It's no excuse but you are now married with a child. Have some long talks about honesty. Explain that he has broken your trust because he's not the man you married but do assure him that you love him & you are wiling to give him the chance to earn your trust back. If he works to be honest & the lying is put behind him for good, rebuild your marriage & go on. If he keeps telling these lies, think long & hard about what to do next. Go through that old Ann Landers' analysis: would you be better off with him or without him?

 

I'm not saying the OP needs to run to the courthouse for a divorce but simply having a serious talk with her husband about how she feels is not going to cut the mustard. There is something wrong with this guy. He didn't just lie about being in the military he's pretty much lied about his whole life, he's a pathological liar and just being given a good talking to by his spouse isn't going to cure that.

 

OP your husband needs to dig and get to the bottom of this. Probably he needs counselling. He is a chronic liar and if he doesn't get professional help his lies will eventually destroy your marriage.

[coolgal]

Oh, I am so sorry that you feel betrayed by your husband because he lied to you about him being in the military! Have you considered talking to him about your feeling hurt because of the fact that he lied to you? I think giving him a second chance is a good idea and also giving your relationship the time to heal and work on building the trust back in the relationship. Perhaps you can also consider marriage counseling? I will be praying for you!