ConfusedB Posted August 2, 2005 Share Posted August 2, 2005 Advice needed First Time poster needs some help. TO give you some background on my situation let me start off by saying that I have been dated my ex for 3 1/2 years. We began dating her Freshamn year in college and recently broke up about 7 weeks ago. Over the 3 1/2 years we broke up once before about arounbd the time I was graduating from college. I think she was worried about me being away stress that a little distance would put on the relationship etc. Any way, we got back together about 5to6 weeks later, still seeing each other during that time. Not to the present. She recently graduated from school in June and is now living with her mom about 20 mins from me, We had talked about us moving in together bc i was planning on buying a new condo. The condo plan fell through and I am still living with 3 other guys in a house. She is going to Grad school and had to take out loans and finacial aid stuff as well as get her own insurance which creates stress for her. This additional stress and me neglecting her some(not paying attention as much, not putting her as my first priority led us to a breakup). When we broke up we talked about how we were still madly in love with each other and we see a future in each others lives but at this point we need time apart to clear heads and work on ourselves. I decided that was prob for the best as well. So basically we agree to be completely honest during this time apart, meaning if we start to see another person, let each other no. We I really backed off this time from her giving her th espace she needed, didnt call or email or anything unless she iniated it. My question and adivce I am looking for is this: She first came to see me on July 10th to drop off our pet and hang out a little bit and everything went smooth, we hugged at the end and it felt good, but nothing else. She instant messages me the next day saying it was great to see me. July 14 she sends an ecard to say HI. The next week we email each other back in forth mulitple times a day, saying this is the most we communicate din a while, it was nice. I was leaving for vacation the nxt week so she came over to my house on thursday night to get the pet. This time we went out to dinner, talked and hung out. I wlaked her out to her car gave her a very quick hug and said I would see her later. As i walked back to my house, I saw her get out of the car and say she need a real hug...we gave each other a strong hug for a few minutes until i felt tears coming down her cheek. She the left. When I got back from vacation I go to her house and tell her that I have been seeing a girl for about three weeks, bc we have to be honest with each other. She is also casually seeing someone too. Which I having gotten ok with bc I think we are looking ata long term futture together. When I told her abou thtis other girl she was devaststaed and began crying. I emailed her Sunday and called last night with no answer from her. My question is what to do now....I wanna talk to her about us but dont want to put pressur eon her bc we still need time. I also want to ask her and make sure that we are moving in the right direction, IE we actually working on things so that we can eveuntauly have a relationship again. I need to sask her if she is trying to progress with the guy she is currently seeing or is it nothing serious. What do I do? I have been very stressed after seeing her upset over the weekend. Everytime I pull away she contacts me. Everytime we see eachh other its always hard for us both to leave. Soory for the length....I appreciate any adice you can off. Thnak you Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConfusedB Posted August 2, 2005 Author Share Posted August 2, 2005 Can anyone offer any help? I need some adivce on what to do next and how to talk about us without puttting a lot of pressure on each other. Link to post Share on other sites
Beachgrl486 Posted August 2, 2005 Share Posted August 2, 2005 You have a long history together. It seems like you two have a really good relationship. Ofcouse the feelings yall have for eachother are still there. I mean you two were together for a while and it hasnt been long at all since you broke up. I personally do not think either one of you is ready to move on. When moving on that quick all it does is actually cause pain. I mean when you are with the girl you are kind of seeing do you compare her to your ex? Do you wish it was your ex instead? If so then I wouldnt even bother dating her. It will just cause more problems down the road. I would definetly get in touch with the ex though...I am sure there is a way...ask her if she plans on pursuing something with this other guy. If she does then you cant just wait around on her either. Either way you said that you were breaking up because you needed time to clear your heads...You two still talk and see eachother pretty often for someone who needs time to clear their heads. I thik right now all your doing is making yourself more unclear. Talk to her...thats what you need to do...she where everything is going. If she is pursuing something else you need to do the same and have NC. Link to post Share on other sites
sanne Posted August 2, 2005 Share Posted August 2, 2005 I must say you guys are handling yourselves very well (you are at least) and quite maturely. I don't understand why she would be mad though, if she's seeing someone too. At any rate you have just bumped yourself up quite a bit, and I'd be willing to say she wants you even more at this point. But if I were you I'd stop calling and let her cool off, I bet she has imagined you this whole time sitting and waiting for her. You just shattered that image for her, and I think it's childish of her to get mad at you for it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConfusedB Posted August 2, 2005 Author Share Posted August 2, 2005 Beachgirk and Sanne, Thank you for your adivce. I think she was more upset that I am seeing someone else than mad. It just hurts me to see her upset too, even though seeing another girl isnt wrong. And yes, I kinda do compare the new girl to my EX, which i know is definitley wrong, but i thought i had to see how things would be without the EX in case we go our separate ways. I have told the new girl about my old releationship and that i wasnt looking for anything too serious, bc I dont want this new girl to be hurt either and its too soon to see if I have actually feelings for the new girl, which I dont really think i do. I also agree with talking to her about the guy we need to get ourselves on the same page. One question though, I called her Monday night and left a message asking her to call back. Usually she would call back pretty quickly, but I havent heard from yet, no email or call. SHould I wait a day or so to try calling her again...Does she possible need time to really take in the situation and make some decisions. I think you were right about her thinking i would just always been there. I just know we love each other alot and I dont want to rush anything, but at the same time i need to know if we are heading in the right direction. Link to post Share on other sites
Beachgrl486 Posted August 2, 2005 Share Posted August 2, 2005 Ok...Monday night? as in lastnight? if so it hasnt been long...wait it out a few days. I am sure she will call. When you do talk to her just be honest and try to get on the same page as to where you two are going. If she does not call by thur or fri I would call again...I would only because I am not into playing games but if she doesnt call you after the 2nd attempt I definetly would not call again...You will have put the ball in her court...No matter what you will need some closure before anything. I know how that is. Just wait it out...everything will work out. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConfusedB Posted August 2, 2005 Author Share Posted August 2, 2005 Thank you again, It was last night that i called and left a message....I think your right about giving it time to set in and let her think about the sitauation. I know we have to be completely honest with each other when we do talk. I just want to figure out my words before, bc I dont want to feel like she is being backed into a corner. These situations are just so hard and being stressed out isnt fun either. Its def good to hear a girls perspective on this. Link to post Share on other sites
Beachgrl486 Posted August 2, 2005 Share Posted August 2, 2005 yea, I would just wait it out. I am a girl and I have been in many relationships and if my ex called me and I still had feelings...I would call, maybe not right away but i would...and most girls I know would call...Dont worry...this is a common story I am sure yall will get back together...but if not then you will go on and find someone who will make you happier than EVER!! =) Right?? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConfusedB Posted August 2, 2005 Author Share Posted August 2, 2005 I hear what you are saying baout waiting...there are def very strong feelings we both have. I think I am prepared for the worst, just bc I have to be. But I am sure that it would take some time to find someone that makes me happier, but you never know. Hopefully this whole process will eventually make our relationship stronger. Also, If the worst case scenario happens, is it ok to tell her that she would lose me as a friend. I mean, I dont think we could be freinds for some time....later in life is a possibility I am just trying to be prepared for every situation, but am hoping that things will eventually work out. Link to post Share on other sites
Beachgrl486 Posted August 2, 2005 Share Posted August 2, 2005 yes hope for the best but always be prepared for the worst. If the worst happens I know I wouldnt be able to friends...i would just let her know you will always be there for her but friends just isnt possible...it is too hard to become friends right after a break up. But everything is probably going to work out just fine. Just give it time Link to post Share on other sites
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