I Feel Like such a Fool

[demitrius009]

My girlfriend and I have been together for over five years. We had broken up a month ago due to her own personal issues. The breakup was not exactly amicable, for it got a little nasty with feelings of anger and hurt. I eventually reached out to her after two weeks of no contact. My intent was to reconcile and establish closure to our relationship. She made it clear she still has personal issues to deal with, so we both agreed to remain friends and if somewhere down the line we decide to get back, then it was her choice or eventually we would move on from each other. Now we continued to maintain our normal contact for about a week, but I can tell she was feeling very uncomfortable. Keep in mind, my girlfriend can be bothered when she begins to think I lost interest in her. So then she brings up why we broke up, and we discuss the issue, reconcile, and agree to get back with each other.

 

 

Then I noticed she was becoming very distant all of a sudden within a week. She is not as affectionate and can barely look me in the eye, but our communication through texts and phone calls appear normal throughout the day. Typically after I leave work, we both talk every day on the phone. I had to leave work early so I told her to call me when she gets out of work. She responds and says she has to work late, and have dinner with coworkers. Now I was a little suspicious because she never works late. So I drive by her house, I notice her car is parked in front of her house, and just by chance i happen to see her walk out her house. While I am doing this, she is still texting me acting as if she is attending her work dinner. She kept on texting me all evening until 8 pm claiming she just drove home from the work dinner, so we ended our conversation with saying good night.

 

 

I kept silent about this because I began wondering why she would lie about something so unnecessary. Then i wondered was she trying to make me jealous making me think she is having dinner with male coworkers? Is she just trying to avoid talking to me? Is she cheating on me? Were all these personal issues she is having just a lie? Did she just get back with me to just end up breaking with me again? I’m so confused, but at the same time I am hoping everything will get better over time, and maybe she is just acting up. So i decide not to confront her about her lie, and take my chances to get hurt later. However, four days go by and her behavior has not changed.

 

 

Then we both meet at a local restaurant, and she finally tells me she no longer wants to be in this relationship due to her ongoing personal issues. I then asked her why she decided weeks ago to rework our relationship problems, and get back together. I made it clear i was originally content to remain friends until she was ready to resolve her personal issues. So in other words, i asked her why she wasted my time to get back together to only break up with me later. Her response is that she is confused.

 

 

Then we both go outside to the parking lot, and I confront her about her lie regarding her supposedly working late. She responds in anger, says were completely done, and drives off leaving me at the restaurant parking lot. Then i call her later crying, and she is still claiming she was telling the truth about working late. So i bluntly tell her she obviously set me up to get hurt, she has destroyed our friendship, and now i cannot believe anything she says regarding the real reason we broke up, and quite possibly she may be cheating on me. As far as I’m concerned, I told her I will never know the real reason why she broke up with me.

 

 

She ends up texting me the next day because she wants to meet up to end our relationship in a cordial manner. I refused and said i already accept our relationship is over. Then she tells me how much she loves me, she does not want me to think she is cheating on her, she is very emotional now, and still wants to hang out. I still would not agree. Then she calls me later in the day still claiming she never lied about the work dinner. Keep in mind, i still have not told her i saw her walk out her house. She even has the audacity to ask me if i enjoy her begging to meet up with me. I was like what the heck, I’m damn hurt and very depressed. Then she condescends me and says, "Yeah right, your sooooo hurt and depressed." She very well knows i was crying the night before!”

 

 

I ended up agreeing to meet her next week to discuss these remaining issues. But to be honest, i am so hurt how she handled this issue and what disturbs me the most is how she responded in anger when caught with a lie, and on top of that she is still denying that she lied. In addition, how can she go from breaking up with me to now wanting me, but not being apologetic whatsoever? Is she now treating our relationship as a sick manipulative game? Or is she just feeling guilty because she got caught in a lie, and now she has to ask me back to find some other way to dump me again?

 

 

I just want people’s advice on how to handle this in a cordial manner? Would i be wasting my time discussing about the lie considering she is already in denial? Should I try to rework our relationship? Should i forgive her and remain as friends? Should i not even waste time seeing her next week? Or should i just completely cut off all ties?

Edited May 19, 2017 by demitrius009
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[dumbass2]

The trust is completely gone and when that happens it's not coming back. I'd suggest cutting all ties and tell her you are moving on and it's best not to remain in contact. You need time away from her completely in order to really evaluate things. Be strong.

[d0nnivain]

Cordial will require distance & time. You have accepted it is over so stop interacting with her. No more calls & texts. Just go you're own way. If you see her out be nice, say hi, talk about the weather for 2 minutes & move on. No need to be angry. Just have it be over.

[mightycpa]

Don't waste your time. Send her a text, tell her you've been thinking about things and goodbye. You don't want or need to explain, you don't need to tell her you know she's lying.

 

Then, to spare yourself the anguish you know is coming, BLOCK her texts and phone calls. BLOCK her emails, or automatically send them to trash. Block her on whatever social media you use.

 

Don't worry about what she thinks of you. You already know she's a liar and you already know that she thinks she can play you for a fool.

 

Do you really think you can't do better than that? I know you can.

 

Who wants a girl with so much personal drama it makes her drop out of her normal life to fix them? Nobody, that's who. Her problem, not yours.

[todreaminblue]

i dont feel its necessary for you to see her i actually feel its really selfish a thing for her to want...its obvious you are hurt.....take the time you need to heal ...block her and move on..honestly sh eshoudl understand your reluctance to meet and be more thoughtful of you.......deb

[springy]

You got some sound advice in your first thread in February. You have broken up with this woman so many times you have lost count, and this thread sounds almost identical to the first one. If you are truly serious about keeping this woman out of your life you would not still be answering those phone calls or texts. You would block her in every capacity. Did you ever take action on any suggestions from that thread?

 

I think you will meet up with her next week. I would just suggest fessing up that you watched her in secret if you are going to keep pressing the issue. She is not going to tell you the truth. You can bet she is lying about a lot of things.

 

I hope you will seriously consider pursuing some personal counseling and finding someone who can help you break free of this dysfunctional cycle. You have allowed her to manipulate you so long are not going be able to do this without support.

[demitrius009]

The trust is completely gone and when that happens it's not coming back. I'd suggest cutting all ties and tell her you are moving on and it's best not to remain in contact. You need time away from her completely in order to really evaluate things. Be strong.

 

I have lied to her before but not in a deceptive manner nor for the purpose of undermining our relationship. But I do man up to my lie, and just admit it. Still she will excoriate me no matter what, and say all our trust is gone. However, in her case she will never admit to a lie becauae I believe she is very self-conscious of herself especially to admit mistakes. I can easily forgive her but the fact that she got caught red handed and still not admit it does disturb me.

[demitrius009]

Cordial will require distance & time. You have accepted it is over so stop interacting with her. No more calls & texts. Just go you're own way. If you see her out be nice, say hi, talk about the weather for 2 minutes & move on. No need to be angry. Just have it be over.

 

I can do this. I have the strength but if she does have some form of abnomal behavior, should i just call it out for what it is and tell her these behaviors are disturbing me. You exhorted me months before. Should i not address this issue to her. I really do care about her, but i dont want to hurt here either.

[demitrius009]

Who wants a girl with so much personal drama it makes her drop out of her normal life to fix them? Nobody, that's who. Her problem, not yours.

 

Well the personal drama was due to her daughter acting up and being rebellious. But that ended up being a lie because she still goes out with friends.

 

In a nutshell, she completely made a fool of me. I guess i am just focused too much on why she does all this, and i know its time to just not care and move on. But i admit, it is hard because i gave her 5 years of my life.

[demitrius009]

i dont feel its necessary for you to see her i actually feel its really selfish a thing for her to want...its obvious you are hurt.....take the time you need to heal ...block her and move on..honestly sh eshoudl understand your reluctance to meet and be more thoughtful of you.......deb

 

I am determined and resolved to do this but i need to just end this peacefully. I am the type of person to wish people well. In fact, thats what i did three weeks ago, we recociled, became friends, and then she sets me up for another breakup. But this dysfuntional cycle has to stop.

[demitrius009]

You got some sound advice in your first thread in February. You have broken up with this woman so many times you have lost count, and this thread sounds almost identical to the first one. If you are truly serious about keeping this woman out of your life you would not still be answering those phone calls or texts. You would block her in every capacity. Did you ever take action on any suggestions from that thread?

 

I think you will meet up with her next week. I would just suggest fessing up that you watched her in secret if you are going to keep pressing the issue. She is not going to tell you the truth. You can bet she is lying about a lot of things.

 

I hope you will seriously consider pursuing some personal counseling and finding someone who can help you break free of this dysfunctional cycle. You have allowed her to manipulate you so long are not going be able to do this without support.

 

I admit i was vacillating between being with her and trying to move on. I just never thought our relationship would get to this point. I did not realize the ramifications of her behaviors which have come to its true light only recently in last 1 year. I just did not have the realization before but i want to find peace once everything is said and done.

[Glhx]

I think she was cheating on you.

"Work late" common man

 

You caught her in lie......a pathological lie at that.

 

Look up devaluation and discard.

 

If it was me......I'd walk. Gonna hurt for a while.

 

Get out......self reflect. Don't contact her. If she will lie about that.....what else is she and has she lied about. Younthink she's going to stop because you feel bad. She doesn't care.

 

The day you don't need her.....maybe she would come back. But then you won't need her.

 

When I see my girl hanging out with other men. Now.....what I know and have experienced

 

I start taking my @&$? U Fund a little more seriously.

A fund where you save up enough cash.....cash

 

That you can say this word and get out and be ok. Ways have this fund and never use it for anything else.

[springy]

I am determined and resolved to do this but i need to just end this peacefully. I am the type of person to wish people well. In fact, thats what i did three weeks ago, we recociled, became friends, and then she sets me up for another breakup. But this dysfuntional cycle has to stop.

 

There is no peace with this woman, and you don't seem strong enough to resist her. I truly think meeting up is a bad idea if you really want to break free of her.

[demitrius009]

Actually she was suppose to meet up with me yesterday, but she never texted me to let me know where she wants to meet like she was supposed to. So I ended up texting her and then we met up. The first thing I asked her is why did she not text me, and thought it was her idea to meet up. She had such a cold attitude toward me and said she has nothing else to say it this point. I was like "what". She then said we need to stay away from each other.

 

 

I could not believe this. In addition, she still does not admit to lying even when I revealed I did see her outside her house. She obviously cares more about her reputation than hurting me or even salvage our relationship. This was a complete turn off to me because just a week before she was professing her love and how she wanted to resolve this issue.

 

 

This girl has screwed me so many times over and her callous responses only gave confirmation that I am done. So we parted ways, and now that's it. I truly can move on from this only because I finally seen her true colors now. I do feel stupid that I allowed myself to be in this situation. I really thought she would be compassionate and repentant for being caught in this lie. On top of that she does not even realize how much she hurt me to take me back just to purposely dump me while in the background she was playing these emotional games. I guess some people have a certain pride that is hard as rock.

 

 

In the end, I told her behavior does disturb me, and I do not want to have anything to do with her. Maybe she is cheating on me. Maybe her daughters issues were all a lie. I will never know, and at this point I do not care anymore.

 

 

Thank you all for all the support.

[springy]

See, she is playing games. Now that you have seen this and had your 'closure' moment I hope you will take this opportunity to block her from all forms of contact. Otherwise you haven't heard the last of her. This is the perfect time for you to take that step.

[Maggie4]

I like the way you told your story, giving the details and facts as much as possible. It seems to me you know her so well that you know all her buttons to push and you know how to illicit the reactions you want. So she comes back, or declares her love, cries. But it doesn't stick, because it didn't come from within her, she was just reacting to your stimulus.

Probably you have a way with her, your charms, her weakness. She may do things to appeal to you then later resent you for it. This pattern leads her to want to break up, just to get out. And then you are both hurt. Of course this also leads to a lot of back and forth, fake reconciliations, appeasements, not uncommon in break ups.

What is the purpose of making her admit that she lied? This seems important to you. Maybe more important is to understand why she had to resort to lying, just to get out of seeing you. And her "personal reasons" for breaking up, that doesn't sound right at all!

From the things you've described, I think you have some controlling and dominant behavior, and in my opinion it's not such a bad trait in a man.... except when it comes to love. In any case, you shouldn't feel like a fool.

[demitrius009]

I like the way you told your story, giving the details and facts as much as possible. It seems to me you know her so well that you know all her buttons to push and you know how to illicit the reactions you want. So she comes back, or declares her love, cries. But it doesn't stick, because it didn't come from within her, she was just reacting to your stimulus.

Probably you have a way with her, your charms, her weakness. She may do things to appeal to you then later resent you for it. This pattern leads her to want to break up, just to get out. And then you are both hurt. Of course this also leads to a lot of back and forth, fake reconciliations, appeasements, not uncommon in break ups.

What is the purpose of making her admit that she lied? This seems important to you. Maybe more important is to understand why she had to resort to lying, just to get out of seeing you. And her "personal reasons" for breaking up, that doesn't sound right at all!

From the things you've described, I think you have some controlling and dominant behavior, and in my opinion it's not such a bad trait in a man.... except when it comes to love. In any case, you shouldn't feel like a fool.

 

I think you are the only one here who has hit the nail on the head regarding my relationship to my now XGF. You are right, she does not want to really be in this relationship but she is hung up on me, especially the stimulus part. Most boyfriends she has had in the past were tumultuous relationships, sometimes even very abusive, both emotional and physical. Although with me she has admitted to finally being with the love of her life.

 

 

But for her it is just too good to be true. She has this fear that I will leave her for another woman, and I have not even cheated on her once. In fact, our intimacy and sex life has only increased over the years. Every good sign I show her, it seems now she reciprocate with negative sign. I cannot deal with this anymore. I am done trying.

 

 

She calls me yesterday night asking, "what did you do!". I am like what are you talking about. Then she accused me of tarnishing her reputation to other people. I know it is a complete lie because I have not done any such thing. Then she says she is planning to have dinner with her friend, and there she will get the real story of what I have done to slander her. This morning she calls and says it had nothing to do with me and she apologizes. I said, "good to hear that, ok bye".

 

 

Anyway, I feel free and more confident now to just move on.

[Maggie4]

Be aware she will probably continue to engage you because she wants your reaction, both positive and negative ones. It's actually not difficult to fall in love with someone you're incompatible with. A rather amazing phenomenon, and I think, the reason for most relationship problems.