OW for almost 2 years, now pregnant and terrified ** Updated **

[whichwayisup]

We are meeting tonight, he will be here for a few days. After he goes back, I feel like my answers will be revealed. If he follows through with telling her and leaving/filing for divorce, maybe I can have some hope. If he comes up with reasons to delay, well it would be devastating to be a single mom to 2 kids. I am telling myself it is early on and I have a little wiggle room as far as timing goes but I also know if I terminate the pregnancy I will be scarred forever. I guess that is what I deserve, and better me than innocent parties.

 

I appreciate your kind words. When you're in the thick of it, and the man you are hopelessly in love with is telling you he IS going to be with you, he has already decided, but the timeline is unknown because he has to figure out how to make it happen, unless you end up pregnant and then that would expedite things, you don't always make rational decisions. I understand it was stupid and it was wrong. But at the time, all I could think of was wanting to do it for him.

 

Does anybody in your family know you're seeing a MM? Any friends?

 

Time now will tell if he's just telling you what you want to hear or if he actually has a plan to come clean with his wife and leave her. It's going to take him A LOT of courage and strength to tell her the truth - That he's going to have a baby with another woman, let alone start over with someone else. Be prepared for it not to go your way. And that's why I'm hoping you have a good support system in place because you're going to need close friends and people you trust to help you.

[Sloppyseconds]

I'm a 32 year old and I have my sh** together,

 

Oh honey. No. No you don't. But now with this tangle, you're gonna get to wear your big girl panties and pull your life together in a hurry. You are about to begin a whole new chapter, based upon infidelity, and live in constant fear the same thing will be done to you (if he even goes through with leaving his wife). If it isn't what you wanted, why wouldn't you take precautions? You seem pretty scared to explain to your parents, but you don't seem to have much conscience screaming at you for your actions. How will you feel looking at your child every day (even if you never actually tell the child), knowing a broken home was left in their wake, sibling they'd probably never know. Just to get your kicks. Yep. Sounds like a perfectly together life to me. I can tell you that my ex is an ex for numerous reasons, the largest being that he cheated and got another girl pregnant. No matter how much time passes, you sort of always feel the little smack that someone could put you through that, so think about the wife here. Think how you'd feel in a few years time if he strays. You say 2 years. BUt you only see each other once a month. My math tells me you've seen each other 24 times. What is his fave way to spend a saturday? How does he take his sunday morning coffee? How did he get that scar on his knee when he was 12? Do you actually know anything about him other than how he is in bed. You have a lot of work to do here before you can consider the arrangement between you a relationship. My 2 cents.

[aileD]

There's nothing you can do about it now, you're pregnant. Unless you are on the fence about abortion or adoption? No judgement

 

Listen. Here's the thing. He's a coward. If he wants out of his marriage and he's too cowardly to go through with it on his own, then you...my dear...you are his "exit affair"

 

You and this baby are his ticket out of the marriage.

 

But. That doesn't mean he's going to stay with you or be with you. Most exit affairs don't survive because they're truly just to force a coward out of his marriage. Once he gets that taste of freedom? He's not going to want to be tied down to you and a baby.

 

And yes. He will do it to you.

 

Do me a favor. Sit and think about this. You and him start s family together. Get married, buy a house. Have a couple more kids.

 

Then 10!years from now, you find out he's gotten another woman pregnant and walks away from you and your family. How would you feel?

 

Because that's the guy you're getting. He's doing the same thing to his wife and he'll do it to you too.

 

I wish you luck in whatever you do, now that a baby is involved it's their life that's most important.

 

It's a huge stigma for a child to know they were the result of an affair. You and him have doomed this child's mental health from the getgo. Very selfish and irresponsible.

[somanymistakes]

'doomed' is really over-speaking it. The amount of stigma attached to being the child of an affair is strongly dependent on the family support structure, and especially on whether the mother was (and remained) married to someone else at the time. There's some terrible stories of kids brought up in families that treated them as an embarrassing mistake their whole lives, not allowed to use the front door of the house, blamed for every fight their home-parents had, and in adulthood tossed aside by the mother's husband (I find it awkward to say 'stepfather' when referring to the man the mother was already married to before the birth, and the only father the child ever knew) as "get out, you were never my child". But even with these terrible stories people do pull through, they're not doomed. And I would certainly hope that OP would never allow anyone to treat her baby like that!

 

And if the mother is single at the time, and possibly goes on to marry someone else later? "Your biological father was a jerk and isn't with us anymore" is sadly so common that it's hardly even noticeable these days.

[elaine567]

I appreciate your kind words. When you're in the thick of it, and the man you are hopelessly in love with is telling you he IS going to be with you, he has already decided, but the timeline is unknown because he has to figure out how to make it happen, unless you end up pregnant and then that would expedite things, you don't always make rational decisions. I understand it was stupid and it was wrong. But at the time, all I could think of was wanting to do it for him.

 

This man is an attorney and no doubt is able to make huge decisions and figure out clever ways to help his clients, yet he cannot see any way of leaving his marriage apart from you getting pregnant...

YOU may put great store on this man solving your current problems, but I would advise you to forget what your heart is telling you and start thinking clearer with your head.

Do not let him soft soap you with gifts, flattery, fancy words and sex tonight, do not drink any alcohol and keep your wits about you.

You need to make a huge decision here, and when he leaves again in a few days you need to be able to figure out exactly what you need to do.

You cannot do that, if all you do with this time together, is fall into his arms...

 

Men who are madly in love with their OW make things happen, they do not dilly dally and they certainly do not get a woman pregnant just so that he has an "excuse" to leave his marriage and his infant child...

That is messed up thinking IMO and lacking in empathy for all concerned.

 

Of course you also have to consider that he wasn't actually being serious when he mentioned "If you do get pregnant, then that will expedite things"

It may all have been part of a future faking fantasy and not meant to be taken literally by you...

I guess you were very vulnerable having come out of a "crazy" relationship and grabbed this seemingly decent and desirable MM with both hands. Hungry for affection and love, and ably abetted by his protestations of his love for you, you were willing to do just about anything to make it happen and make it "real". It is not an uncommon story here and understandable. Had you been your usual strong self you would have told him to stuff his "open relationship" where the sun don't shine, on day one.

 

He didn't exactly sound happy.

I am sure he wasn't.

Yes, he may be putting a brave face on it for your sake, but he may also be secretly thinking "OMG what a terrible mess."

I just cannot see how a MM who admitted he was online looking for "extra" and who for two years has fitted you into his schedule only about once a month, is now going to jettison his wife and small child.

I could be wrong though.

However if he does leave his family in the lurch, then that may in fact raise more questions than it answers...

 

Be careful what you wish for...

[ThatsJustHowIRoll]

We are meeting tonight, he will be here for a few days. After he goes back, I feel like my answers will be revealed. If he follows through with telling her and leaving/filing for divorce, maybe I can have some hope. If he comes up with reasons to delay, well it would be devastating to be a single mom to 2 kids. I am telling myself it is early on and I have a little wiggle room as far as timing goes but I also know if I terminate the pregnancy I will be scarred forever. I guess that is what I deserve, and better me than innocent parties.

 

I appreciate your kind words. When you're in the thick of it, and the man you are hopelessly in love with is telling you he IS going to be with you, he has already decided, but the timeline is unknown because he has to figure out how to make it happen, unless you end up pregnant and then that would expedite things, you don't always make rational decisions. I understand it was stupid and it was wrong. But at the time, all I could think of was wanting to do it for him.

 

I had a termination and wasn't scarred for life. That's overly dramatic. I made the best decision for me, and my existing children.

 

However, if you have a baby with a married man in affair situation, and he's as much a jerk as he seems to be, you'll likely scar your child for life.

 

Think on that.

[sandylee1]

No child should have to be born into this situation. It's rather irresponsible of both parents to do this really.

 

This will be child number 3 for him, with as many different mothers.

 

What happens when he proves he's not a permanent fixture in your life?

 

You may end up like him... 3 children and 3 different fathers.

 

 

I suggest you think very carefully about proceeding with the pregnancy.

 

On the point of you wanting him to be monogamous, why do you think that's something he'll be agreeable to, based on how his marriage has panned out?

 

He was at it with you while his wife had an infant at home... That's your future with him, once you have the baby.

[goodyblue]

'doomed' is really over-speaking it. The amount of stigma attached to being the child of an affair is strongly dependent on the family support structure, and especially on whether the mother was (and remained) married to someone else at the time. There's some terrible stories of kids brought up in families that treated them as an embarrassing mistake their whole lives, not allowed to use the front door of the house, blamed for every fight their home-parents had, and in adulthood tossed aside by the mother's husband (I find it awkward to say 'stepfather' when referring to the man the mother was already married to before the birth, and the only father the child ever knew) as "get out, you were never my child". But even with these terrible stories people do pull through, they're not doomed. And I would certainly hope that OP would never allow anyone to treat her baby like that!

 

And if the mother is single at the time, and possibly goes on to marry someone else later? "Your biological father was a jerk and isn't with us anymore" is sadly so common that it's hardly even noticeable these days.

 

You my want to have a look at how the older Trump kids treat Marla Maples' daughter.

[SoleMate]

I also know if I terminate the pregnancy I will be scarred forever.....

 

This just isn't so. You can't possibly know that. Most of the women who choose abortion (95% in this study:

Decision Rightness and Emotional Responses to Abortion in the United States: A Longitudinal Study) do NOT regret their abortion and are not scarred by it. That line sounds like a slogan, not like a considered assessment based on fact.

 

Keep in mind that no matter WHICH path you choose, there are unknowns (we're talking about the future, after all) and the chance of regret and even "scarring". With greatest respect, you could use some immediate help from a qualified individual therapist to help you with your decision making. You've already made some very poor decisions, chief among them the choice to trust a liar and cheater with control of your future, so please don't double down on that with more poor choices.

 

I do see a high chance of scars in your future - it's from the ill-advised r/s with a determined hypocritical (he's "very pro life") reckless liar and manipulator.

[anika99]

I have had children out of wedlock and I have terminated a pregnancy. Both were very difficult and had consequences. The truth is there is no easy and painless way to deal with an unplanned (although in your case it seems like it was planned)pregnancy. No matter what you decide it will be hard.

 

You have to do what feels right for you. This is a very personal choice and it's not up to anybody else so don't let anyone push in one direction or the other. This is your life and the lives of your children and you are the one responsible for making the best choice for all of you. Other people don't have to live with your decision so they don't get a say in it.

 

As for being scarred for life by an abortion it depends on where you stand morally regarding abortion. The abortion was very hard on me because prior to having one I had moral feelings regarding abortion and I felt I was selfish and evil by making that choice. I don't believe that anymore but at the time I was filled with self loathing and went into a depression for a long time. However I believe that people who don't see abortion as the equivalent to being a child murderer, like i did at the time, do not have that kind of emotional suffering.

[BaileyB]

You have to do what feels right for you. This is a very personal choice and it's not up to anybody else so don't let anyone push in one direction or the other. This is your life and the lives of your children and you are the one responsible for making the best choice for all of you.

 

This is very important. It is your child, it is your life - it is your decision.

 

You have so much to think about related to this man. Will he leave his wife? Will he want to be with you? Will he ever be able to be a faithful partner and will you ever be able to trust him? There is so much uncertainty.

 

As it relates to the child, consider your decision carefully and make the best decision - for you and your children. I would hear what this man has to say and consider it in making my decision... but ultimately, you must make the best decision for you because he can best be described as an unreliable partner at this time.

 

I hope this weekend bring you more clarity, related to this man and your future.

[amomwhoknows]

There seems something almost pathological and predatory about this guy. I am guessing that you have no way of really knowing why his first marriage ended. I wonder if he did the same with his second wife as he is doing now.

 

I can't tell you what you should do about the baby. I will tell you this. A man who behaves this way is likely to repeat the behavior, over and over again. Your child with him will likely have many half-siblings before it is over.

 

To see if he is serious about you and you being "IT" ask him to have a vasectomy. Three children with three mothers should be plenty. I bet he will say no.

 

And his plan for you to live in one place for a week and then another for a week is just silly. If the baby is new, he is unlikely to have 50/50 custody even in states that lean that way.

 

This guy is bizaare. How much of his story have you verified yourself -- the successful lawyer, plenty of money, etc? Is any of it real?

[whichwayisup]

If you want this baby, have it. But, do so with the mindset that you're totally okay raising the baby alone and on your own without MM's help. Don't have the baby in hopes he'll choose you over his wife and other children. Doing that would be a huge mistake and you'll be setting yourself up for heart break.

[aileD]

'doomed' is really over-speaking it. The amount of stigma attached to being the child of an affair is strongly dependent on the family support structure, and especially on whether the mother was (and remained) married to someone else at the time. There's some terrible stories of kids brought up in families that treated them as an embarrassing mistake their whole lives, not allowed to use the front door of the house, blamed for every fight their home-parents had, and in adulthood tossed aside by the mother's husband (I find it awkward to say 'stepfather' when referring to the man the mother was already married to before the birth, and the only father the child ever knew) as "get out, you were never my child". But even with these terrible stories people do pull through, they're not doomed. And I would certainly hope that OP would never allow anyone to treat her baby like that!

 

And if the mother is single at the time, and possibly goes on to marry someone else later? "Your biological father was a jerk and isn't with us anymore" is sadly so common that it's hardly even noticeable these days.

 

I hear you. I just don't see a positive outcome in this case unless the OP is able to cut herself off completely from the MM and the drama.

[sandylee1]

 

 

 

this way is likely to repeat the behavior, over and over again. Your child with him will likely have many half-siblings before it is over.

 

To see if he is serious about you and you being "IT" ask him to have a vasectomy. Three children with three mothers should be plenty. I bet he will say no.

 

Whilst I believe this guy is bad news, she has no right to ask this of him.

 

In what universe, do you ask another woman's husband to have a vasectomy. That's overstepping the mark IMO.

 

As far as 3 children being enough, that's for him to decide, not the OP.

 

He could divorce.. End up with the OP and then that doesn't work out... And he's now had the snip.

 

Some men take pride in sowing their oats and procreating any how. He's got kids who may not even know of each other or have a relationship with each other.

 

It's a small world and you never know how this is going to end.

 

He's not very sensible for an attorney. That's three lots of child support he could be on the hook for.

[Doublegold]

Terminating a pregnancy is a deeply personal choice that only the OP can make. Telling her it is the right thing to do or the wrong thing to do is not for us to say.

 

This is her choice and no matter what she decides we are here to support her. This is a terrible place she is in and she will be the one who lives with her choice.

 

Once she decides then she can take the necessary steps based on her choice.

 

Take Care OP.

[spiderowl]

I'm afraid I can't offer much in terms of advice as this really is down to you and what you think is best for you and your children.

 

What I can say is that I understand how this could have happened. My MM and I weren't always careful with birth control and he always said it didn't matter as he wanted to be with me. I believed him. It was slightly different as he made me believe he had already made his choice, but I now know that words are easy to say. But I get how easy it is to believe them when you're in the affair bubble and they say this stuff. I can honestly understand how you've ended up here.

 

Were you meeting MM today? How did it go? I hope you're doing ok. I would echo what others have said. I think you need to make a decision that you could live with on your own, regardless of what MM does. He may follow through with his words but he may not...be prepared. Also what a previous poster said is spot on- you and him can plan all you want, but you can't possibly guess what his wife's reaction would be and how he will react to that in turn. My MM and I planned for so many scenarios, and not a single one ended up how we expected. His wife's reaction, and determination to stay in the marriage, was the most unexpected. I think that threw him. And suddenly he had an option of making the 'mess' go away and get his old life back (so he thinks). You don't know how your MM's wife will react (especially as she has a child to think about above herself), and what he will then do.

 

Be strong and think about yourself. You've thought about his 'wants' too much already.

 

Terrific post but I just thought it worth mentioning that when 'in the affair bubble' the married man in this case was lying. What we are really talking about is people who are not in control of themselves. He might have thought he was being honest at the time but he wasn't in control of himself. He didn't care enough to be cautious about how things might go. A person cannot excuse raising another's hopes because they are in a new and exciting situation. A mature person would not do that.

[amomwhoknows]

Whilst I believe this guy is bad news, she has no right to ask this of him.

 

In what universe, do you ask another woman's husband to have a vasectomy. That's overstepping the mark IMO.

 

As far as 3 children being enough, that's for him to decide, not the OP.

 

He could divorce.. End up with the OP and then that doesn't work out... And he's now had the snip.

 

Some men take pride in sowing their oats and procreating any how. He's got kids who may not even know of each other or have a relationship with each other.

 

It's a small world and you never know how this is going to end.

 

He's not very sensible for an attorney. That's three lots of child support he could be on the hook for.

 

I meant if he divorces. Cause I think he is a sick predator whose goal it is to sow his oats and move on. The OP said she wasn't even sure she wanted more children before she got pregnant. If they are each other soulmates, he can have the V and be done for her. I think he might divorce, jump in with her, cheat and impregnate another woman, divorce OP, etc. This is one way to at least prevent the pattern.

[Grammie]

This just isn't so. You can't possibly know that. Most of the women who choose abortion (95% in this study:

Decision Rightness and Emotional Responses to Abortion in the United States: A Longitudinal Study) do NOT regret their abortion and are not scarred by it. That line sounds like a slogan, not like a considered assessment based on fact.

 

Keep in mind that no matter WHICH path you choose, there are unknowns (we're talking about the future, after all) and the chance of regret and even "scarring". With greatest respect, you could use some immediate help from a qualified individual therapist to help you with your decision making. You've already made some very poor decisions, chief among them the choice to trust a liar and cheater with control of your future, so please don't double down on that with more poor choices.

 

I do see a high chance of scars in your future - it's from the ill-advised r/s with a determined hypocritical (he's "very pro life") reckless liar and manipulator.

 

100% agree. I had a termination and have never ever regretted it. In fact, i don't even think about it until I hear someone say "abortion scars you for life". That is simply not true at all. I also had a miscarriage (before my only child was born) and I don't think about that nor do I bemoan the fact that I had a miscarriage.

[smalltownwriter]

Just wanted to thank everyone for your input. I am going through with the termination. He wouldn't suggest it but I could tell it was what he wanted so I suggested and he agreed. I don't see how our relationship survives this anyway, so I feel this will take care of both issues as I'm just kind of numb toward him at this point. Thanks again for all your advice and feedback, it was helpful.

[anika99]

Well it's good that you have been able to reach a definite decision in a short time. The emotional angst and confusion just becomes worse the longer the decision is put off. As long as you feel that you are making the best decision for yourself and nobody is pressuring you one way or the other then you are fine.

 

Hopefully you realize that the MM was quick to agree because he doesn't really have any plan to leave his marriage. It's kind of disturbing that you both thought it was a good idea to use a baby to break up a marriage. If you really want out of this mess you need to terminate your relationship with him. He is just bad news who will cause you pain.

[BaileyB]

I'm sorry for the pain you are feeling. I wish you well as you move forward and I hope you have some support in your life.

[somanymistakes]

I hope for a better future for you.

[ThatsJustHowIRoll]

Also, to clarify, we have had sex without a condom basically the entire time we've been together, I am very in tune with my cycle and when I'm ovulating and we didn't do it when it would have been risky, or if we did, I used plan B. So it wouldn't have been a reason to get me to let him go bareback.

 

For what it's worth I think you're making the best decision in a bad situation. You will get past it. You won't be scarred for life by the termination. But if you don't end this dysfunctional relationship you may impact your current child and you most certwinly impact your own life.

 

I wanted to address the above because I have fallen pregnant While taking Plan B. It's emergency contraception and shouldn't be your only birth control plan. You need to take better ownership of this.

[smalltownwriter]

Thanks to all of you. I wish I could say I had a support system. There was only one person who knew and we are no longer friends for reasons that have nothing to do with this, so I am by myself on this. I know there is better out there, people who will put me first, but will I always find myself comparing the way I feel about him to others? It's almost unbearable. I don't think I'll ever find the passion or raw emotion.